


Someone To Stay

by thepoetophelia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Force Choking (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Has No Chill, Kylo Ren Hates Poe Dameron, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo Ren is a Mess, Love Triangles, Maybe Bendemption Maybe Not, Porn With Plot, Reader-Insert, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violent Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:48:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 115
Words: 185,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23941087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepoetophelia/pseuds/thepoetophelia
Summary: You trained with Ben Solo at the Jedi Temple, and he left you alive that fateful night he burned it all down.You've been hiding from him for the past seven years, having cut yourself off from the Force, until one day you must use your gifts to heal Poe Dameron.It's inevitable Kylo Ren will find you.  How much of the man you once knew is left?
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 395
Kudos: 537





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> As with all people, quarantine has me twitchy, and my obsession of choice getting me through this trying time is Kylo Ren. 
> 
> This fic is alternate universe. Kylo Ren killed Rey in the throne room after killing Snoke, so if you're looking for Reylo, this ain't your party. 
> 
> We pick up about two years after the Battle of Crait. I briefly cover the changes I've made. Basically, everything Canon up until the right after Kylo Ren kills Snoke still stands, when I have him also kill Rey. #sorrynotsorry 
> 
> I pull some stuff from Canon and some from EU, cause I do what I want, which is the apparent beauty of the fanfic. There will be eventual smut, and it will definitely be explicit. But we're a slow burn here.
> 
> Also, I do swap from first person to third. Reader is first person, every other POV is third. 
> 
> Feel free to comment. I am just having some fun, but I welcome feedback.

The heat was oppressive. Each breath felt like a struggle, the air laden with moisture and musk from the surrounding jungle.

“It had to be hot.” I mumbled, dragging tubs full of scavenged equipment into the medical tent. “Couldn’t of been somewhere like Hoth, with blissful sub-zero nights.” The heavy containers sank in the damp dirt as I tugged, leaving a trail like a giant slug. “We had to go to the tropics. Bugs. Everything wet all the time.”

Sinking onto the edge of a sparse military cot, I stared bleakly around what was now passing as a medical facility. A large, camo green tarp blocked out the sunlight, rows of battered cots and chairs lining the edges. Basic medical supplies were stuffed in industrial containers. The medical frigate, along with most of its supply had been lost on the way to Crait over two years ago. Barely anyone had made it out. A shudder ran through me despite the sheen of sweat on my skin. 

Had it not been for Luke and Leia, the Resistance would have ended there. Luke had provided enough of a distraction to allow the survivors to flee into the recesses of the caves, and General Organa had managed to move enough of the rocks so everyone could slip out the back and into the Falcon where Chewbacca had been waiting. Even in her weakened state, she had saved us all. Again. 

Rey was dead. Killed by Ben Solo.

My head fell back to rest on a tent pole. I had to stop thinking of him as Ben.

Kylo Ren was the Supreme Leader of the First Order, not Ben Solo. _Kylo Ren_ , I repeated over and over, trying to remind myself it had been seven long years since I had seen him, awash in the bright oranges and reds of the fire. Still a young man. He’d be thirty-one this year. Time seemed to simultaneously crawl and accelerate. 

_He spared you._ A voice crooned sweetly in my mind. 

The memory takes me under. It always does.

_My lungs. Burning. Screaming. I’m trapped._

_Crawling out from scorching debris, my skin searing no matter how fast I move._

_Air. The night sky filled with a terrifying storm. The thrum of lightsabers. I blink the smoke from my eyes and struggle upright, blearily searching my surroundings._

_Billows of smoke block my vision, but I head toward the sounds of sabers clashing. I briefly consider the wisdom of this. My weapon is buried in the rubble, and I’m not a fighter._

_Rounding a corner, I can’t believe what I see. Ben. Ben is fighting our classmates, his face a mask of fury. They fall quickly, no match for his easy command of the Force. I don’t know why I stay silent. Waiting._

_I let him kill them._

_He stands alone, bathed in firelight._

_"Ben.” My voice is a croak. He turns my way, eyes black. I barely recognize him. “Ben.” I repeat again, an entreaty. I start toward him._

_“No.” His hand starts to raise. “No. Not you.”_

_“Not me what, Ben? What happened?” I make myself as small as possible, but I keep approaching._

_Pain and confusion skitter across his face as I close in. I gaze up at him, his large frame towering over me. I should be afraid._

_“Luke. Luke tried to kill me.”_

_Fury blazes in his eyes again and I hold my breath, aware he may strike at me- and then the words penetrate._

_“What?! Master Luke- your- your uncle tried to kill you?” I try to place all the information of the last five minutes into the reality that I knew just before I’d fallen asleep. This doesn’t make sense. Everything is on fire, Ben is razing down classmates, and Master Luke tried to kill him?_

_“You don’t believe me?” His voice is dangerously low._

_“I do believe you!” I find myself shouting, and I try to stay calm. I think I’m in shock. “But, this, how-“_

_“- because he thinks I’m a monster.” He looks around us. “I am a monster.”_

_I shake my head. “No, no, Ben. You aren’t a monster.”_

_He grabs my arm roughly, turning me to face the pile of dead bodies. “DO YOU SEE WHAT I’VE DONE?” He jolts me again so I’m against him, and he stares down at me. “I almost burned you alive.” It’s a horrified whisper._

_“But you didn’t. I’m fine. I’m fine.” I have my hand in his hair, rubbing soothing circles at the base of his skull. I’m ungrounded, without focus, and I’m drowning in his emotions. Despair, shame, fear, anger. Betrayal._

_Then his mouth is on mine. Hard and desperate, he roughly bites my lower lip and I gasp, allowing him entry. His grip on my arm is punishing, his tongue and teeth stroking and nipping at me. I let myself get lost in chaos, the passion dark and unruly. The intensity of it swallows me. Ben has always fascinated me, knocked me off center._

_Just as quickly as it started, I’m shoved away, stumbling. I see him start to stalk away._

_“Take me with you!” I don’t know what part of me calls out, the words tumbling from my lips before I can think._

_He looks back at me over his shoulder, surprised. But his face falls into a cool, flat expression. “You can’t go where I’m going.”_

_Darkness dances around him. I’d always felt it from him, his edges frayed and shadowed._

_I fall to my knees as he turns and leaves me behind._

There were tears streaming down my cheeks. I’d been falling into past remembrances with increasing frequency, the experience more visceral each time. Power was welling inside of me, an ocean of energy and Light crying for release, begging me to reach out. Longing overwhelmed me. 

No. The last words that Luke Skywalker said to me as he left, the second man to abandon me to my own fate that night, rang in my ears.

_Never let him find you._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are woken up to tend to wounded Resistance fighters. Shortly after, there is a fire and you have to make a choice which will expose your existence to Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of disagreement on Force healing, especially when I look at Canon vs EU. So I do what I want.

“They’re coming in hot!!!” A voice cried out, waking me from a light sleep.

Yanking on a pair of pants and a tank top, I hopped out of my tent on one foot, slamming my feet into my boots as I rushed to the medical tent. 

Flipping on the generator, I pulled open the netting around the perimeter of the suspended tarp and began flicking on every light I could find as the commotion outside grew. From what I could pick up, it didn’t sound like the latest mission had gone well. I stared at the lone, beaten up Bacta tank set up in the corner. 

Several of what were now the only “medical staff” poured in as I was hurriedly prepping for possible disaster. Most had only medic training. I was the closest thing that the Resistance had to a doctor since the battle at Crait. With each passing month the Resistance collapsed further, strangled by the First Order. Hope was in short supply. 

Chewbacca roared through the entrance of the tent, an unconscious Finn draped in his arms.

A small door opened inside me as I reached carefully for the Force, wary of discovery if I let go of my hold on myself. Finn had been shot, multiple times. I pretended to examine him visually as I sent tendrils of awareness out to assess his injuries. Severe blood loss. Multiple points of internal bleeding. His spleen was hemoragging. 

This I couldn’t fix manually, not without risking his death. “Prep him for the Bacta tank. Now.” I snapped out, heading to the small unit that held high level sedatives. As the staff worked to strip him down and set him up for suspension, I carefully drew up the medications to keep him blissfully unaware of the drowning sensation most experienced while floating in the slimy substance. 

_You could heal him._ A tiny voice whispered in me. 

But I couldn’t. I only had these small moments of connection to cling to, so sparse. The rest of my life was a dull slog. Cut off from the Force, drifting aimlessly. 

Luckily the few other crew on the mission were relatively unscathed. The next hour was spent setting up IV drips, instructing the medics to clean and dress some minor wounds, and prescribing shots for pain relief and infection prevention. Just as I thought I might be able to catch a few hours of sleep before dawn, shouts broke the silence.

“FIRE! It’s the Falcon!” 

“Shit.” Discarding my gloves, I sprinted for the landing zone. Even if the Falcon hadn’t been an old legend, those of us who escaped Crait together had grown overly attached to the ship, and I wasn’t about to let it burn. Luckily this sentiment was shared by almost everyone, and by the time I got there most of the flames were out. 

“Was anyone inside?” I asked.

A horrified face popped in front of me. “Poe.”

Without much forethought, I ran through the smoldering embers of the fire. Behind me, the crewer yelled for the General. 

Skidding to a stop inside the Falcon, I noted smoke rising from a removed section of decking, a toolbox near the edge. Dread coiling a knot in my stomach, I raced over and peered down. Poe was laying on the bottom, unconscious, covered in burns. I could see he was still breathing. 

“Help!” I screamed, scampering down the hole to get a closer look. “We need help NOW!” I touched the side of his neck. His pulse was thread-y. 

Footfalls pounded the metal above us, and I straddled his body, shielding it from whomever approached. 

“I need the Bacta suit, I need IV fluids and I need Medic Bash here as fast as possible. Do NOT let anyone else in here.” 

I stared down at Poe, my mind racing. This had been my nightmare scenario since we landed on this moon with barely any medical supplies left. One Bacta tank. Two severely injured, highly prized Resistance fighters. I had to choose. But I wasn’t impartial. This was it. I was going to recklessly blow my cover and try to heal Poe Dameron. Possibly bringing the full fury of the First Order down on the last embers of the Resistance.

 _Never let him find you._ Luke’s voice echoed in my mind. 

What were the odds at this point that I would gain any attention from him? The thought was almost preposterous. Ben had plenty of other things keeping him busy. If he had ever thought of me at all, he probably thought I was dead. It had taken me a few months to figure out how I could sever my connection, but I’d done it. Blinked out in less than a second. I’d been effectively hidden from any Force sensitive individual for just under seven years. 

I heard General Organa approach. I gazed up at her worried face. _What would she do without Commander Dameron?_ Her health was failing. She’d rescuing herself from the vacuum of space, but had been unable to mitigate all the impacts of exposure. 

“How bad is it?” Leia asked.

“Not great.” I replied. “I don’t have the equipment to save them both.” 

Medic Bash burst in, Bacta suit draped over his shoulders, IV bag in hand. “The stretcher is on its way. What do you need me to do?” He was out of breath, vibrating with adrenaline. 

“Hand me the supplies. Keep the stretcher on standby outside the Falcon. Try not to let it catch fire again, I’m not going to be able to move him quickly. Don’t let anyone else in here. I’ll call when I need you again.” 

Bash caught a look at Poe as he handed me the supplies.

I glared at him. “Not a word.” 

With a defeated nod, he left. If Poe died here, on the Falcon, from a freak accident? I envisioned that same defeated look on the faces of the rest of the base. 

“Do you need me to make the call?” The General asked, misunderstanding my inaction. 

“No.” I swallowed nervously, looking up at her. “I haven’t been entirely honest with you—with- with anyone. I don’t know if what I’m about to do will work, it’s been so long. But once I do it, that’s it. There will be consequences.“ My throat went dry, and I could see her confusion. If I didn’t act now, I was going to lose my nerve.

I released all the barrier I’d been holding within me. The shock of fully connecting with the Force slammed through my body like a hit of drugs, and I distantly heard myself laugh with joy. I had been asleep for years, and now I was finally again _alive_ , connected to the forest, the people, the animals. How had I lived this two-dimensional life for so long without going mad? 

Poe was a red, searing pain in my vision. So much of his body was deeply damaged, for a moment I feared this would all be for nothing. I placed my hands on him gently, coaxing his heart and lungs to match my body’s rhythem as I channeled the Force through myself and into him. It was a reckless dump of energy, unskilled and without control. I had no safety net, no Master to guide or pull me out as I poured all I could gather into his dying, desperate cells. 

I was in over my head. In so many ways. 

With a shuddering breath, I tried to back out. I was caught inside Poe’s body, unable to differentiate boundaries. Everything seemed to be one. His body, the Falcon, my body, the forest. There was no difference. A memory bubbled up. _You need to learn control. You become enmeshed with your patients, you give too much. It’s reckless. You never stop to ground, you never stop to think about your limits. I have no idea what to do with you._ It was Luke’s voice, disappointed and admonishing.

I concentrated on the beat of my heart, anchoring me back into my physical body, and I could once again grasp an outside view of my patient. His signature was a cool blue, no shades of pain left. I felt trembling and realized it was me. My eyes opened. 

Leia was crouched down next to me in the crowded space, her hand on my forehead. Dark spots danced in my vision. With dawning horror I felt just how much I’d disrupted the natural flow of energy on the moon. Ripples of power crashed out from me like tidal waves. 

I met Leia’s kind, concerned eyes. “He’s going to find me.” I said.

Then I passed out to meet the darkness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren is a mess.

Kylo Ren’s existence had become one long, tormented daze. He strode down the spartan hallways of the _Steadfast_ , headed to yet _another_ meeting. He noted the staff scrambling out of his path, their anxiety thick in the air. Good. He should be feared. 

His mind drifted to the memories that still plagued him. They were always spinning in his mind. The day on Starkiller Base, Snoke’s throne room. No matter how many people he killed, he wasn’t free of them. More often than not he wondered if he’d gone mad. Without Rey, he was adrift in his own despair. 

It was the moment the bond with Rey snapped that he realized Snoke had nothing to do with it. He remembered the feel of her fingertips on his as she told him he wasn’t alone. The last, horrified, betrayed look in her eyes as he used her own saber to murder her.

The shame of the mistake ate at him. If there was a time he’d slept more than two hours it was too long ago to recall. He so desperately wanted- something. He had initially pushed Rey away from him, but the more the connection had built the more he needed her to accept him, be his companion. Rule with him. He shook the thoughts away. Now he was truly alone.

The current torment was his father’s ship. He’d chased it to Crait, driven to finally end the Resistance. To kill anyone else who had known him before, because that must be why he still felt incomplete. Lost. The past wasn’t dead yet. 

But the Resistance had slipped through his fingers once again, with that embarrassing battle on the salt flats, his uncle a mere projection; a distraction so his mother and the motly crew of Resistance survivors could escape his wrath. He felt no satisfaction when Luke’s Force signature faded. It had been a hollow victory. 

Just yesterday there was a report the Falcon had been sighted. But Dameron had somehow managed to evade capture _again_. Ren curled his hand into a fist, clenching so tightly his skin felt like it might snap. 

A cool, wild ripple of Force. He froze mid-step. Impossible. She had winked out of existence years ago, and a younger, kinder version of him had mourned her. 

An unfamiliar feeling flared inside him, filling his chest with warmth. She wasn’t gone. 

A renewed sense of purpose filled him. He could leave the Falcon for now. Sooner or later the Resistance would crop up again, and they would be easily crushed. 

Ren reached out for the fading echoes of the power, so different from his own. It sparked the last memory he had of her.

_“Ben.” Her voice split through the red miasma of his vision, the timbre gritty from the smoke. No. Not her. He wouldn’t harm her. She’s staring at him, pale skin bruised and burned, covered in ash and soot, her eyes full of confusion._

_“Ben.” Clearer now, her voice is a sweet plea. She moves toward him despite the pile of bodies next to him._

_He won’t harm her. “No.” He raises his hand to- to what? He just knows he doesn’t want to lose control around her. “No. Not you.”_

_“Not me what, Ben? What happened?” Her voice is full of desperation. She seems to shrink a little, but won’t stop coming at him. He’s afraid for her. His body is burning up. He’s lost in the fog of power riling inside of him, pushing for release._

_He’s somehow allowed her to come close, her soft face gazing up at him. He hears her thoughts easily- she thinks she should be afraid of him but he can feel she isn’t._

_“Luke. Luke tried to kill me.” The red haze comes back across his vision, and he adjusts his grip on his lightsaber._

_The words she says back to him are too distant as he struggles for control. Snoke’s voice thunders in his head. Betrayed. They’ve all betrayed him, abandoned him. Didn’t believe him- and she won’t either._

_“You don’t believe me?”_

_“I do believe you!” Her reply is an indignant shout, and he knows she’s offended he would even think it. But she’s stunned, still clearly in shock – and badly injured. He did that. She starts to try and make sense of his statement. “But, this, how-“_

_“-because he thinks I’m a monster.” He looks around at what he’s done. The bodies of their classmates, the pink, angry burn marks on her soft skin. Shame fills him. “I am a monster.”_

_Her head shakes. “No, no Ben. You aren’t a monster.” The denial and worry she feels rises up at him._

_He needs to make her understand. Her arm is soft beneath his hard grasp. “DO YOU SEE WHAT I’VE DONE?” She needs to leave. He wants her close. He almost killed her. The conflict is ripping him apart. “I almost burned you alive.” Something tremors inside him._

_She presses closer, so small next to him. “But you didn’t. I’m fine. I’m fine.” She croons at him, her hand buried in his hair, soothing him. He hears her blurred thoughts- all compassion and kindness and concern- for HIM. How is that possible? His emotions are boiling inside him. The feel of her hand tangled in his hair, her breasts pressing into his chest, it all distracts him from probing further. The darkness sings to him. Possession. Desire._

_This time he won’t deny himself. His mouth is on hers, rough and demanding, but it isn’t enough. She should be stripped bare before him, open to him. He sinks his teeth into her lower lip, and a shocked sigh escapes her. He wants to possess her mouth, possess her. She’s slipping into him, submitting to the wild riot of his emotions. He can have her, control her, own her._

_Part of him recoils from his own thoughts. He needs to get away from her. Now. He needs to save her. Save her from who he’s become._

_He pushes her off, stunning her long enough to turn and get away._

_“Take me with you!” She cries out at him._

_He wants to take her._

_Thoughts of what Snoke would do to her swim in his vision. He’s never felt any shadow within her. His resolve to leave hardens. He lets her see how far he’s gone to the Dark. “You can’t go where I’m going”._

_Her eyes fill, and she falls to her knees. No, she cannot follow._

_Part of him whispers that he will be back for her. Soon._

Now. He could have her now. 

Other memories of her were cloudy after so many years, but not this one. He’d gone back to it over and over, until the day her energy signature snapped out. After that it had been easier to forget. More images of her scroll inside his mind now that he knows she’s close. Full, rosy cheeks. Delicate lips. Her funny, spinning thoughts so easy to read. How she would sink into his chaotic emotions, eyes dazed, unaware of her natural inclination to submit. 

This connection was his. No one to claim they manufactured it. Untainted. She would ease his pain. 

He would redirect the entire First Order fleet if that’s what was needed to find her. She had managed to hide herself from him for this long, but she’d finally made a mistake.

Her most recent use of power had been wild and sloppy, resulting in huge ripples of disturbance, something a child might have done. No doubt she had passed out from the effort, perhaps even injured herself in the process.

His mind cleared, a thought crystallizing.

She still needed a teacher.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and General Organa have a discussion.

“I have to leave.” I insisted, bolting from the cot I’d been laid on – last night? I paused. “What day is it? How long have I been out? How much of a head start does he have?” The questions tumble over one another.

Leia was calmly sitting at a make-shift table, drinking hot tea. “Why don’t we try having a discussion about what you did two nights ago?”

Panic settled in my gut. Two nights ago. I clocked my surroundings. I was in Leia’s quarters on the _Tantive IV_. 

Shaking from the adrenaline rush, I perched on the edge of the seat opposite her. “I’m sorry that I hid this from you. I promise it wasn’t out of any malice, and I never would have let anyone suffer or die under my care if I could have fixed it. We had the medical frigate, supplies….” 

“It’s clear from your efforts the other night you would have revealed yourself sooner if needed.” Her tone was crisp, but kind. “Cutting yourself off from the Force; that’s not a decision made lightly.” 

“I may have saved Poe but I’ve just put everyone in grave danger.”

The General snorted. “We’re in grave danger all the time. Nothing new here.”

“No- “She silenced me with a wave of her hand. 

“I thought, when Rey and Luke were lost to us, that it was only me. What I saw the other night….” Her eyes locked on mine, pleading.

“General- “

“Call me Leia.”

I winced. “Leia, I was a student—before.” The words were jamming in my throat. I couldn’t look at her. 

Gently, she set down her tea and took my hand. “Go on.” 

“I was at the Academy. Master Luke brought me there when I was nineteen, but I had a difficult time and Ben helped me. I haven’t seen him since the night the Temple burned.” The fury in his face that night flashed in my mind and I shuddered.

“You saw him that night?” Her hand tightened on mine. “Did he see _you_?”

“Yes.” I said. “We spoke.”

Leia’s eyes shone. “He let you live.” 

I nodded, growing uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was headed. 

“What was your relationship with my son?” The lines at the edges of her eyes were creased with tension. 

I allowed myself a moment to consider whether I wanted to say anything. But I was leaving anyway; perhaps hearing about Ben would provide her some sort of comfort. 

“My relationship with Ben was many things. Initially, Master Luke was interested in me because of my ability to Force heal, however, that was short lived due to my – unique issues. It was only after Master Luke gave up on me that Ben and I became friends.”

Leia frowned. “That doesn’t sound like Luke.”

I shrugged. “He buried me in texts and allowed me to stay, but it was clear he had other priorities. His interest was renewed when he noticed how Ben reacted to me. We were – close.” 

Embarrassed, I removed my hand from Leia’s grasp and stood up, pacing. “Master Luke would take Ben with him, more and more often as the years passed. I think he was trying to stop us from becoming too involved. I’ve always struggled with separating other people’s emotions from my own, and with Ben, his feelings were so _intense._ Things between us became entangled. _”_

Recalling the days that Ben would return from a mission, fraught with resentment at our separation, I sat and propped my elbows on my knees, burying my face in my hands. 

With a soft scrape of fabric, Leia adjusted herself more comfortably in her seat. “He was intense as a child as well.”

I shoved my hands through my hair, still staring at the floor. “Eventually Master Luke stopped trying to separate us. Maybe that was a mistake. I don’t know. That night I asked Ben if I could go with him and he refused. I thought I was the only survivor, but Master Luke had only been buried in the rubble, and he barely acknowledged me by the time he emerged. I felt Master Luke’s anguish, his anger. His guilt.” I turned to look at her. “They both left me on that planet. Luke’s only words to me before he fled were to never let Ben find me.”

A pause stretched tightly in the space. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I’d left my past behind me for a reason, and now here I was, digging it back up again. 

“So, your experience with the Skywalker men hasn’t been altogether positive.” Leia finally said, drily. 

I barked out a laugh. “Yeah, you could say that.” 

“I don’t agree with Luke’s dismissal of your abilities, especially after what I saw you accomplish with Poe. Luke was impatient.” Leia said, a thin smile on her face. “A fault my son shares. I think it was that which led to Luke’s neglect in your training.”

“Ben had more patience with me than Master Luke.” I hesitated before going on, not wanting to speak ill of my former Master. “In reality, Ben was my teacher.” 

Leia moved to me and brushed a lock of hair from my face. “I can imagine Luke’s disinterest in you upsetting him.” 

I fell into the hole of memory.

_Alone in the library, I stare at the piles of books and manuscripts Master Luke has unceremoniously plopped in front of me, with a dismissive wave and some mumbled instructions to increase my medical knowledge._

_I’m such a failure. It’s been months. I can’t even begin to build a lightsaber, I can barely spar with students who are years younger than me, and I’ve passed out almost every time I’ve tried to heal someone—which is, according to Master Luke, my “only natural talent”._

_I groan, flinging myself over the book in front of me, forehead smacking into the title page._

_“Not sure that’s the best way to acquire knowledge.” A baritone rumble comes from my left._

_I jolt up, turning to find Ben Solo lurking in the corner, swathed in shadow. His dark eyes glitter with amusement._

_I feel the embarrassed flush rise over my cheeks. He’s Master Luke’s nephew. I need to be more observant. I don’t want to be kicked out._

_A frown passes over Ben’s face, darkening him further. I feel his indignation and annoyance. “I’m not his lap dog.”_

_Oh no. I try in vain to pull a shield around my thoughts as the redness in my face deepens._

_His annoyance fades as fast as it appears, and he unfolds from his chair, approaching me. “He stuck you down here to read dusty old tomes, huh?”_

_“Master Luke is—” I start._

_“—really frustrated with you.” Ben finishes, reaching over me to close the book. “Come with me.”_

_I bite my lower lip. “I’m supposed to stay here- I don’t want to upset anyone.”_

_Ben crouches down in front of me, his face serious. “You being stuck down here upsets me. The rest of us were younger when we began, we’ve been here for years. Maybe you just need more time.” He considers me, and I feel his crackling presence fold around me, probing. “If he doesn’t want to take the time to figure you out, I will.” He stands, reaching his broad hand out to me._

_I’ve watched Ben over the past several months, and he’s easily the best student here- I’ve even watched him best Master Luke in several duels. But he’s unpredictable, his moods confusing and erratic. I can’t help the combination of wonder and terror that swamps me as I think of Ben’s attention focused on me._

_He continues to stand, hand outstretched. Calm. Waiting for me._

_I put my hand in his._

The same patient and focused expression was on Leia’s face as I reoriented myself to the present.

“You were thinking of him.” Her hands slid down my arms, softly squeezing my fingers. “I could almost feel him in the room with us.” 

I pull away. “I need to leave. Be- Kylo Ren knows my Force signature. There’s not a whisper of a chance he won’t be able to rip my mind open and see everything.”

“We’ll move.” She countered easily. 

“I can’t go with you. You can’t tell me where you’re going. You need to let him come to me, and get the rest of the Resistance safely away before he does.”

Doubt and sadness danced across her features. “I can’t allow that. You have enormous potential, but you’re untrained. You need time. I would be sending a lamb to slaughter if I left you behind now. Let me help you, and then we can figure out what to do together.” 

_I am alone. It’s safer alone._ I shook my head, rejecting her help. 

“It’s too late for training. He’s coming.” I took a deep breath. “It is your leadership, your legacy, that’s keeping this movement together. You, Commander Dameron, Finn, Rose and Chewbacca. You are lynchpins. I’m in the background, careful not to draw too much attention, and I have few attachments. This is the only option, and I knew that when I made my choice. I don’t regret it- I couldn’t let Poe die.” 

“I sense there’s a lot more you aren’t telling me.” Leia said.

“Yes.” I replied. “Trust me that this is the way it needs to be.” I let her feel my resolve. 

Her shrewd eyes considered me, weighing my determination. 

Finally, Leia sighed and exited her quarters, a crewmember snapping to attention the second her foot passed the threshold. “Form scuttle crews. We need to be off Ajan Kloss in twelve hours.” 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short Kylo Ren POV, scene pulled from TROS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a couple scenes or events from Canon movies/novelizations post TLJ that I'll pull in just because I like them. Especially fun little scenes where Kylo Ren is Not A Nice Man.

“You think the procurement of a Force-sensitive asset is a _misuse_ of the First Order’s fleet?” The vocoder thrummed with each word. 

General Quinn’s body flew out against the wall of the conference room, his hands scraping uselessly at his throat.

The stark lighting of the room flashed against the silver inlay of Ren’s re-forged mask, his gloved hand twisting upward with a flick as the General slid up, suspended on the ceiling. The nine other members of the Supreme Council sat stiffly back in their seats, trying not to stare at the strangling man above them.

General Hux nervously cleared his throat. “Supreme Leader, perhaps what the General meant to say was- “

Quinn’s dead body dropped with a deafening thud on the smooth black table.

“Yes, Armitage?” Ren watched a pinched expression cross the General’s face.

Allegiant General Pryde interrupted. “Supreme Leader, I may have a solution to this quandary.” 

“There is no quandary. We will re-allocate our resources.” He hated these meetings. 

Pryde nodded. “Yes. However, if you were to take command of the _Steadfast_ , I feel this would expedite your acquisition of the asset. It would also leave the rest of our considerable fleet to deal with any other unrest we may encounter, and will not interfere with concurrent First Order military operations.” 

Ren considered Pryde, his eye twitching uncontrollably beneath the helmet. He needed sleep. He knew Pryde was attempting to placate him. However, taking command of the _Steadfast_ for this endeavor was tempting. If the Allegiant General wanted to hasten this “side trip”, as he thought of it, that was acceptable. 

Something else caught Ren’s attention. “I sense- unease about my appearance, General Hux.”

“About the mask?” Hux stammered out. “No, sir. Well done.” 

“I like it.” General Parnadee quipped. “We also need to increase recruitments. Harvest more of the galaxies young.” 

Ren nodded at Parnadee as he stood, ready for this insufferable discussion to be over. 

“The rest of you, prepare to crush any worlds that defy us. The Allegiant General and I are going hunting.” 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe Dameron does not want to leave you behind.

The Falcon was the last ship to leave Ajan Kloss. An infuriated Poe Dameron was still trying to talk me out of remaining on the moon to wait for the inevitable. We’d been arguing in circles for a half an hour.

“This is suicide!” 

“I promise it’s not, Poe. You need to leave. The Resistance needs you.” My gaze flicked over to Finn. “It needs both of you.” 

Finn was quiet, leaning against the entrance to the ship. 

Poe’s arms flapped out in exasperation. “You saved my life.” He stalked toward me. “This is partially my fault. If I hadn’t lightspeed skipped the Falcon, the sub-alternators wouldn’t have blown, and the fire never would have started.” 

I whipped my hand out in a cutting motion. “No. We could play this game all night. I made a choice. I’m making one again now.”

“You have no idea what you’re getting into. You don’t know him.” 

I turned away from him, my face lifted to the sky, trying to think of a way to get them to leave. Chewbacca had left with Leia earlier after Poe insisted on staying back to change my mind. Leia had ordered him to go, but that went about as well as the last time they disagreed. 

At least she hadn’t demoted him again.

“Rey thought she could take him.” Finn said quietly.

I cringed. I didn’t know Finn well, but I knew he had cared for Rey. This had to be bringing it all back. But I needed to be firm.

I pivoted to face them both. “Even more reason that the two of you need to go.” I gestured at the Falcon. “This ship, too. There’s something about it. I have a feeling the Resistance isn’t going to win without it. Stick me in there and I’ll be a homing beacon. Kylo Ren will end up with a two for one deal. You think he’s obsessed with the Falcon now? Put a former Jedi classmate on that thing and see what happens.” 

“A former Jedi classmate?!” Poe sputtered. 

_Shit_. Poe and I had become closer over the past few months, but ‘close’ when it came to me was considered standoffish by anyone else. And very few people knew that Kylo Ren was Ben Solo. 

I was so tired. “I- we- it doesn’t matter!” I snapped. 

Finn sighed. “We aren’t going to change her mind. If she wants to kill herself, let her.” 

My chest contracted as he walked up the ramp and disappeared. I knew that comment wasn’t really about me, but it still hurt. 

Poe studied me. “I don’t understand any of this.”

“I’m not going there to fight him. I am no threat to him in that regard.”

“That makes even less sense.” Poe raked a hand through his hair, considering something. “There’s a mole in the First Order.” 

My breath caught in my throat. “You cannot tell me this.”

“We don’t know who it is.”

“Okay.” I said cautiously. 

“My point is, we think the mole is high-ranking.”

I slapped my hands over my ears. “I shouldn’t know this! Assume anything I know he’s going to know.”

Poe’s face twisted into a bitter smile. “I’ve been in that interrogation chair. You can’t say what you don’t know. No details. Listen. If you get in trouble, if you need help— _find the mole_. I will get you out.”

Tears filled in my eyes. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I know.” He looked down at his feet, shaking his head. “I just- I don’t want to leave you behind. I have a bad feeling about this.” 

_He doesn’t want to leave you behind._ Such a simple statement had a devastating effect on my emotions. For once, someone didn’t _want_ to leave me behind. 

Poe and I had occasionally flirted, but I convinced myself that’s just who he was- a charming scoundrel. Impossible not to like, and incredibly handsome. Which he knew. Somehow that made him even more irresistible. Had the last few months meant something to him? And isn’t that why had I risked it all to save him? 

He opened his arms to me, and I walked into him. For one moment, I let myself dream of what it would be like to get close to another person. To be close to _him_. 

When we parted, his hand rose to my face, our eyes locking. Something in his gaze thrilled and terrified me. I felt a little breathless. 

“Remember. I’ll come for you.” 

I watched the Falcon until it was a tiny dot on the horizon.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going with Canon Knights of Ren, so I'll use those names and whatever characterization or backstory goes with them, if any.

Ren stood on the bridge of the _Steadfast_ , frustrated with the lack of adaptability inherent in the First Order. They were bloated with ships and troops, and moving that amount of personnel around took time. He was not a patient man. 

Pryde approached, straightening his uniform. “Supreme Leader.” 

“What is this delay about, Allegiant General?” His head was pounding.

“A simple redeployment, sir. We’ve almost finished.”

He was growing weary of military maneuvering. After Snoke’s death, he’d twisted the First Order into submission under his rule. Any star system exhibiting independence was crushed. He’d enacted military law on several planets and seized assets without warning. He’d launched a manhunt to root out any whisper of the Resistance. The Knights of Ren had terrorized every city, planet, and system that dared defy him. 

“We’re finished now. Set a course for the Outer Rim.”

A navigator popped up from his seat, standing at attention. “Any specific sector, sir?” 

He stared at the man from behind his mask. This level of enthusiasm grated his nerves. Perhaps he could make an example of it, discourage anyone from getting to _peppy_.

The navigator started sweating, visible beads popping out on his forehead. 

Ren decided it wasn’t worth the trouble. Hux got irate when he randomly executed staff, and he didn’t need yet another meeting to attend. 

“No. Inform me when we get close. I will provide further guidance.”

“Yes, sir.” The man collapsed back into the leather chair in front of his console.

That level of fear used to provide a sense of satisfaction for him. Over the last several months it had almost started to be funny. Further proof of his slide into madness, he supposed. 

As he exited the bridge, his Knights fell into step behind him. 

“We’re on a course to the Outer Rim.” 

Vicrul spoke first. “Are we hunting a Jedi?” The Knights were intrigued by the mention of another Force-sensitive individual. Years had been spent fettering out and murdering those with any Force affinity. 

“Does he have an affinity for the shadow?” Ushar asked.

“No.” Ren headed toward his rooms, eager for privacy. “She does not.” Pausing at the entrance, he turned to face his Knights. “We will take her alive. I have- possible uses for her.”

With that statement, Ren walked into his suite, the doors closing the Knights out. He set his helmet on the podium. 

Despite the strength of her initial contact, he had been unable to pinpoint her location with much accuracy. She was in the Outer Rim, of that there was no doubt, but the territory was vast, and continued to resist the rule of the First Order. A large portion of the fleet had been tasked with bringing the area to heel. 

His datapad beeped from his desk. An endless series of alerts waited for him, most if not all marked “urgent”. 

Ren slumped into the chair, scrolling through the messages. The majority were high command missives regarding suspected Resistance movements, a few were requests for the Knights to become involved in quelling rioting in the Outer Rim. Distractions compared to finding her. 

The datapad flew across the room, embedding in the wall with a sputter of sparks. 

Ren buried his face in his hands. The sedatives recommended by the med droids for sleep hadn’t helped. He’d trained with his Knights for hours, trying to push himself to a level of physical exhaustion that would take him under. Nothing helped.

_"I can’t sleep.” The words on the page in front of him barely make sense. He’s read the same page at least seven times now without comprehension._

_The scrape of her chair on the stone floor. She kneels in front of him, her cool hands resting on his knees. “I think I can help.”_

_He uncovers his face, looking down at her. Despite his fatigue, he feels himself react to her closeness, her positioning. He wants those hands to slide up his thighs._

_She rises. “Let’s go to your room.”_

_For a moment, rational thought ceases. He stares at her uncomprehendingly._

_She laughs. “You are tired. If I’m going to help we can’t have you falling asleep in the middle of the library.”_

_He follows her, further tortured by the soft sway of her walk. They enter his room, a small monastic space with a single bed, a desk, and a rickety chair._

_She perches on the chair, eyes closing. “I just need a minute to center myself.” She cracks one eye open at him. “Go ahead and get comfortable. Try and emulate what you would usually do before bed.” Pausing, she seems to realize what she’s just said. “Within reason- for the circumstances.” A blush creeps up her neck as she shuts him out again._

_His body throbs with desire. She’s in his room. They’ve been dancing around each other for years, always managing to back away, to avoid “attachment”. Her breath is slowing, and the room drops several degrees. He pulls off his boots and strips down to his tunic and pants, folding himself onto the bed, feet dangling off the end._

_She moves to the head of the bed, leaning over him. A smile skips across her face. “Well, one thing is you need a longer bed. This can’t be comfortable for you.”_

_He shrugs, trying not to look at her. If he does, he knows he’ll drag her into the bed with him._

_“Relax. Close your eyes.”_

_He does as he’s told, and is rewarded by the soft flutter of her hands in his hair. Slowly, he feels the muscles of his face relax, and his body begins to float. Peace steals over him. As if from a distance, he hears her hum a sweet song, low and slow._

_He sleeps._

Ren jerked awake, neck sore from his awkward position draped over the desk. 

She could help him sleep. If only he could find her. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Knights of Ren find you on Ajan Kloss.

Crouched inside the cave with my few meager supplies, having spent a sleepless night on the jungle moon alone last night, I realized that I hadn’t given full thought to what it would be like to have the Resistance leave me here. Waiting. I was jittery, having barely slept more than short snatches through the night, and was still drained from healing Poe.

Despite my fatigue, I was considering a way to expedite Ben’s discovery of my location. As I brainstormed, a ship landed, it’s outer hull dirty and dull; oily smoke billowing out of the back. Not a First Order ship. My heart froze in my chest. I hadn’t considered the possibility that someone else would find me first.

Six masked figures, armed to the teeth and swathed in black rounded the front of the ship. 

The Knights of Ren. I was as good as dead.

I watched as they flared out in the open area we’d cleared for Resistance ships. One had a huge vibro-axe, sauntering idly around the perimeter, twirling it casually. I glanced around at the small area of the cave I’d tucked myself into- I had enough supplies for a week. I could camouflage my tiny camp and flee into the jungle- it was possible they’d lose interest and leave me alone. 

But what if _he’d_ sent them? I worried at my lower lip nervously, the metallic tang of blood knocking me back to the present. I stood up, wiping at my mouth with my sleeve.

It only took a split second for them to spot me. I stepped out of the entrance of the cave. My heart was hammering in my ears, my movements clumsy as I climbed down toward the clearing. I couldn’t stop myself from shaking. 

“This one isn’t a scrawny girl, like the last one.” He lazily pivoted to keep me in his sights. The others closed in, surrounding me. 

“I can see why he might have ‘possible uses’ for her.” Another said, lunging at me. I tripped backward, trying to move away. 

“He wants her alive.”

The first tilted his head and considered me. “Did he say undamaged?” He stepped closer. “It looks like she might beg.”

Dry laughter from my left. “I highly doubt Ren would appreciate your form of play, and what she’d look like after, Ushar.” 

“Just grab the binders and let’s get her back to the _Steadfast_. We’ll contact Ren on the way.”

Three of the Knights were already headed back to the ship, strides long and lazily. 

Ushar approached me, stun cuffs in hand. “You aren’t going to give us any trouble, are you?” 

He towered over me, roughly grasping my hands and tightening the binders punishingly. 

“What a pity.” His shook his head and shoved me forward. “Let’s go then.” 

I was dumped unceremoniously in a cell unlike any I’d ever seen. I’d been pushed into a dark, deep hole, my cheek cracking against something metal, off-balance from my restraints and unable to catch myself. The door slammed shut above me, taking the light with it. 

Inky blackness surrounded me and my cheek pulsed with discomfort. I managed to wiggle into a seated position, my back coming into contact with what felt like a bench. 

I felt the ground lurch under me, along with the deafening sounds of clanking metal and the hiss of engines. An acrid smell filled my nose. We were en-route to the Steadfast. One step closer to seeing Ben.

Doubt bubbled in my body. The Knights of Ren were terrifying, and I was about to meet their Master. The man I’d known had been hot-blooded, sometimes out of control, but I couldn’t imagine him being the leader of this group. If even half the stories I’d heard about the Knights were true….

And what about the stories I’d heard of Kylo Ren? I needed to admit to myself I’d avoided listening, a small silent part of me clinging to the old memories of him, blaming Snoke for corrupting him. But he’d made plenty of choices. 

Starkiller Base. Where he had killed his father, and watched the Hosnian System burn. Billions of people dead in an instant. Then, he’d struck his own Master down and wrenched control of the First Order. 

Who could I blame for that? Snoke was gone and there was no one pulling his strings.

Mass murder. Patricide. My chest caved in with the weight of it. Who, exactly, was I about to meet? 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren POV.

Ren was piloting his command shuttle on the way back to _Steadfast_ when the communique from Vicrul came through.

“Master.” The silver grenade-like pattern of a mask winked into view. “We have secured the asset.”

“Where?” Ren snapped.

“She was alone on Ajan Kloss. We found evidence of a Resistance Base. She had supplies stashed in a cave. They couldn’t have left that long ago.” 

His hand gripped the controls of the ship with crushing force, the metal whining. She was with the Resistance?

“We believe they left her behind. Shortly after our arrival she revealed her position and approached us. We had no trouble restraining her.” 

Irritation rose in him that his Knights had been the ones to find her. “Where is she now?”

“In the oubliette. Ushar secured her before departure.” 

_Her face, sheepish, frantically looking anywhere but at him. “Well, I’ve always been afraid of the dark.”_

He thought of the _Night Buzzard_ , the cold dungeon ship of the Knights, and its lightless prison holes. 

“No one touches her again until my arrival.” Something sinister lurked in him at the thought of approaching her for the first time in the oubliette. She would be afraid. Helpless.

“Yes, Master.” 

“Inform Pryde of what you discovered on the planet.” Ren smashed at the console, ending the communication.

The discord stretched inside him. She had joined the Resistance. Fury heated his veins. He had always thought of her as his ally, frozen in his memory, staring up at him with compassion that fateful night. 

He could have killed her in his rush to crush the Resistance. Any one of the ships destroyed over the years, she could have been on. Suddenly, Ren felt lightheaded. He could have snuffed her out of existence and not ever have known. 

_“I know what I have to do.”_

_Rey is on her knees before him._

_"_ _Ben.” She shakes, frowning up at him with fear and concern warring in her eyes._

_"You think you can turn him? Pathetic child. I cannot be betrayed. I cannot be beaten, I see his mind, I see his every intent. Yes- I see him turning the lightsaber to strike true. And now, foolish child, he ignites it and kills his true enemy.”_

_Snoke’s disbelief flares as he dies. Rey falls to the ground, released from his hold. He flicks his fingers and brings her lightsaber to him as she looks up at him with confusion and hope._

**_It was I who bridged your minds. I stoked Ren’s conflicted soul._ ** _He ignites her lightsaber, and it pierces Rey’s torso. He feels her surprise and horror as she, too, falls. That’s when the bond snaps and a gaping hole opens inside him, a yawning abyss. It looks like the chasm his father fell into on Starkiller Base._

_The Pretorian guards are advancing on him. He kills them all, fueled by his rage and shame._

This was his last chance. 

_The deed split your spirit to the bone. You’re unbalanced._ Snoke’s voice reverberated in his skull. He’d spent the past year trying to snuff out hope in the galaxy- yet the Resistance remained. Snoke had been convinced it was the last Jedi, Luke Skywalker, and then Rey, that had propped up continued insurrection. But Luke and Rey were both dead. 

It was Poe Dameron and FN-2187. Neither, to his knowledge, had any Force ability. Yet they eluded him, his Knights, and the First Order at every turn. He was curious how much knowledge she would have of them. Would she willingly betray the cause she’d joined?

His thoughts turned to his mot- General Organa. Snoke had never considered her a Jedi, and never specifically addressed her as a threat, but she was no doubt holding the Resistance together as well. 

_He targets the Resistance flagship, his hand on the controls._

_His mother is there. He senses her worry. She should be worried._

_She wants him to come back to her. Even after all the things he’s done._

_He moves his hand from the trigger._

_Another TIE fighter fires. The ship explodes._

_He could have stopped the torpedo with a thought, but he had been distracted by his mother’s concern for him. Her lack of anger._

_He can’t feel her anymore._

The past had been flooding back to him at an ever-increasing pace, swamping him with things he’d rather bury. He pressed a hand to his temple. The migraines were getting worse. All he ever wanted to do anymore was lay down in a cold, dark room in silence. Shut out the noise. 

But each time he tried, the noise within was deafening. So, he continued to train, to hunt, to kill; the screams of others distracting him from the screaming in his own mind.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone comes to meet you in the dark.

I sat in the dark, trying in vain to remain calm. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. My fear filled me. There wasn’t a scrap of light, nothing for my eyes to adjust to so I could make out my surroundings. Ushar had tossed me in with my hands still restrained behind me.

I was close to hyperventilation. I had tried to open myself to the Force, but I was discovering a nasty side effect of my efforts to hide from Ben. All the time I had spent cut off from the Force seemed to be catching up with me. I was so overwhelmed by the information I had to keep slamming the door closed, like trying to ignore an injured appendage in the middle of a fight. I couldn’t focus for very long. 

I needed to use this time effectively. There was no way I could meet him like this.

For the next unmarked amount of time, I forced myself through basic exercises, expanding my awareness out to identify the positions of the Knights within the ship; the caress of space as we hurtled through it. I could just pick up the roiling activity of the giant destroyer. We were getting close. 

I calmly observed the sensation of the _Steadfast_ enveloping the ship as we landed in what I assumed was a large hanger. I expected to be fetched straight away, but the Knights exited and faded away into the mass of bodies around us. The flow was rather soothing, and I found myself drifting off as more time passed. 

Perhaps I could just rest my eyes. 

An unknown amount of time later, I jerked awake. Something was in the cell with me. 

In sleep, I had reverted to my old habits. I couldn’t feel the ship around me, or the busy current of people. Terrified to reach out into the darkness, I hesitated. My jagged breathing echoed in the silence.

Like something from a nightmare, it spoke my name into the void in a deep baritone, the word crisp and clipped.

Whatever it was didn’t sound completely human. 

“Is that any way to greet an old friend?” The timbre of its voice buzzed at the back of my skull. 

My chest constricted. Was this one of the Knights toying with me? 

A low, vibrating chuckle. “You know who I am.” 

My mind was racing, adrenaline pumping through my body with nowhere to go. I couldn’t fight, and I couldn’t flee. I was frozen to the spot. I thought it might be possible to die from terror, my heart beating out of my chest. 

I tossed my awareness out like a net in a rush of courage. The entire cell roiled with the energy of the Dark Side, chaotic and barbed. I was snagged, the sharp edges flaying my spirit. Gasping, I attempted to find a foundation, but there was none. It crooned savagely in my ear. My skin was boiling. There was no Light here. I was drowning. 

What had found me? 

_Ben sits, long legs folded in front of him. I mirror his position, my knees touching the front of his calves. It’s ridiculous how much larger he is than me._

_"Ready?” He asks._

_I nod._

_His eyes close, but mine remain open, watching the rise and fall of his chest so I can match it._

_“First, reach inside.” His hand touches his chest. “Find your center. Like the core of a planet, you revolve around it.”_

_My eyes flutter closed, and I reach down, trying to find an anchor._

_“When you find it, you can widen outward until you can feel your entire body. Notice the ground we’re resting on, supporting our bodies. The room around us. Observe from inside yourself.”_

_We stay this way for a long time, the silence easy between us._

_Our eyes open as one. His are serious, pinning me to the spot. “That’s what you’re losing. Why you pass out and can’t control the energy when you heal. You’re losing your center, engulfed in the other person. You need to stay inside yourself.”_

Slowly, I pulled myself in, thinking of the slow rise and fall of Ben’s chest that day in the temple. The storm raged around me in the cell, but I was no longer captured in it. 

As I observed without involvement, a crushing despair of realization flowed over me. 

“Hello, Ben.” I whispered into the dark. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren POV.

His name from her lips. Beneath the mask and leather, goosebumps rose on his skin. 

He’d waited patiently just outside her awareness until she’d fallen asleep, stealing into the cell after her attention had collapsed. It hadn’t taken her long to rouse, even her dulled senses screaming to her there was danger. 

Initially, he’d been pleased how open she was to him. Ren felt the moment she’d scraped together enough courage to utilize Force sense, observed how she allowed his own tumultuous energy to grip her.

But then something had changed. She had grasped onto control, extricating herself from him and slamming the door to her thoughts. 

“Try again.” He said.

“I’m not calling you by that ridiculous name.” She snapped at him. 

His rage boiled over, and he flung her up against the wall. She cried out as she made contact with the metal. 

“You’ll call me Master.” He thundered.

Confusion and terror emanated from her.

“What?” Ren snarled. “I was good enough to teach you as an inexperienced apprentice but not good enough now?” He dropped her to the floor roughly. 

Another pained sound escaped her. “We were on the same side then.”

Irritation gnawed at him. Everyone was obsessed with turning him. Changing him into the person they thought he was supposed to be. At no point in his life had he ever been good enough for anyone. Always too much. Then too little. 

“That is immaterial. You needed a teacher then, you need one now. There’s no one else left. I suppose I’ll have to be good enough for you.” He tried to reign in his rage. “You’ve already lost years trying to hide from me. Hiding from me with _them_.”

“You’ve been terrorizing the galaxy for the better part of the last three years!” She retorted. “There aren’t a whole lot of places the First Order isn’t. Trust me, I looked.” 

“So, you haven’t been with them the entire seven years.” He mused.

Exasperation poured from her. “Is this how we’re going to do this? In the middle of a cell, in complete darkness?” 

“Is there somewhere else you have to be? You were practically wrapped up like a gift when my Knights found you.” He decided to test her, lacing some sadness into his voice. “Did you miss me at all?”

He sensed her soften. “I don’t know.” A loud swallow. “I don’t know what, or who, I expected to find. I can’t even see you.” 

The darkness second nature, he moved over to her, standing just a hare’s breadth away. She gasped in surprise as he reached behind her and released the cuffs. 

The minutes stretched between them. Finally, a tentative hand landed on his chest. Then another.

He allowed her to run her hands over him, “seeing” him. She was gentle and hesitant, until she reached his neck and bumped up against his mask. Startled, she dropped her hands away. He remained still, patient. Somehow, he’d always been more patient with her.

Straying away from his helmet, her touch returned to skim over his shoulders and creep under the folds of his cape, following the length of his arms and down to his gloved hands. He twined his fingers with hers.

She had released her guard, and he caught snippets of thought. A wish that she could touch his skin, pain throbbing in her cheek and shoulders, musings about the feel of the fabric and leather beneath her fingertips. His old name again, a soft sigh inside her. 

“You’re hurt.” He blurted out, stopping her when she tried to jerk away.

“Well, you did- “

“- before that. Your cheek.” He wouldn’t abide her being hurt. Another insidious whisper inside him. At least not hurt by anyone else but him.

“Oh. Yeah.” She tried again to squirm her hands from him. “I was sort of, ah, tossed in here. My hands were restrained, it was dark, my face hit something.”

“You didn’t stop your fall?” He scolded. 

“Ben-” He felt her flinch.

When he didn’t react, she continued. “- I cut myself off from the Force. Years ago. I mean, I sometimes did use it to help heal people, but it was minimal. Not even really healing, per se, not until Po- “ 

Faint impressions of the Resistance Commander were right at the top of her mind. Ren could see Dameron’s easy grin, a cocky wink, his burned body in the Falcon. 

“You revealed yourself, put your precious Resistance in peril, to save _Commander Dameron_.” 

He imploded. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren was not happy that you blew your cover for Poe Dameron, and is angry. 
> 
> You also find out where you will be staying on the Steadfast, and are distraught by what he's become in the years you've been separated.

I knew I’d made a mistake the second Poe’s name slipped out of my mouth. Here, in the dark, with his hands twined in mine, I’d forgotten that I wasn’t talking to Ben.

My body was slammed up against the wall, his gloved hand at my throat. There was no pressure on my windpipe, his grip more a warning than an immediate threat. His breath rasped through the modulator. 

I wanted to think I was getting tired of being roughed up, but the shameful truth was the past day had been the most alive I’d felt since…

 _It’s the most alive you’ve felt since you were with him._ It was a smug, malicious voice that spoke inside me. 

Truth. Lying to myself wasn’t going to make it any better. I couldn’t fight both myself and the man pressed to me, who was possibly seconds away from crushing my windpipe in a fit of rage. 

Honesty could be a weapon. The person who stood before me was not my Ben, at least not in the way he had been. This man could not know how deeply vulnerable I was to him. If I was careful with my truths, used them to control and manipulate, I could protect myself. Both a shield and a sword. 

A tiny, despairing voice inside me whispered that here be dragons. 

I squeezed my eyes shut, and softly whispered my truth. “This is the most alive I’ve felt since we last touched.” 

The particles of air froze between us, time stuttering. 

“What did you just say?” He asked. Contradicting the question, his hand tightened on my neck, blocking my ability to reply.

I allowed him to feel my lack of deception. Growing lightheaded, I grasped his shoulders. His body was a furnace. Between that, my compromised airway, and the stillness of the air in the room, I didn’t know I long I had until I lost consciousness. 

As if sensing my distress, he eased back, keeping his grip on my neck as I slid down the wall. I didn’t know how much time had passed in the cell at this point, but it was enough that I was adapting to my lack of sight. Ben was clearly at home in the blackness. He hadn’t fumbled at all when he’d shoved me against the wall, seeming to know right where I was. 

My hands tightened on him, the only solid thing in the dark. “Please, I-“ 

Something within him shifted at my confused plea, and he turned his hand so his thumb was caressing along my collarbone. 

“You need medical attention, food, and sleep.” He said. 

A door snicked open opposite us, the unexpected light blinding me. Without thought, I buried my face into his chest to block out the illumination, compressing his grip on my throat slightly as his hand was trapped between my neck and his chest. Almost instantly, his other hand had come up to rest on the back of my head, holding me to him. 

“A little warning next time.” I grumbled into his tunic.

“Next time?” His modulated voice sent a fizz of electricity down my spine. 

I could barely believe it, but I laughed. “There is no doubt I’ll say or do something that will get me thrown back into a dark cell at some point.” I frowned. “Also- there’s a door! How did I end up shoved through the top?”

I felt him shrug. “Ushar.”

Apparently, that was an explanation unto itself. I glanced up at him, my brain somehow expecting Ben’s face, the teasing exchange so familiar. Why was it so hard to remember who he really was now?

A battered mask met my gaze, silver inlay around the black pit where his eyes should have been. Faceless. Inhuman. Deep red lines ran along fractures in the helm, and it had clearly been badly damaged at some point in its history. 

_He destroyed it._ A brief image of his fist inside the helm, driving it into a wall. 

Blinking my sensitized eyes, I examined him further. I’d felt the rough, ridged fabric of his tunic and the heavy cape earlier. Struggling to bring the Ben I knew into focus with the man standing in front of me was overwhelming. The cape accentuated his impossibly broad shoulders and towering height, cutting a menacing figure. The dim light caught on the saber set on his right hip.

I’d heard stories about that lightsaber. 

“Follow me.” He commanded, letting go of me so abruptly I almost fell- his cape swinging out as he exited. 

His strides were long, and I scrambled after him, jogging to catch up. The ship was a maze that he navigated with familiarity, and soon we were walking out into a large hanger area. The floors were black, polished to a high gloss, acting like dark mirrors. I found myself wondering who kept them in such a pristine state.

“Droids.” A rumbled answer from my escort. 

My eyes darted everywhere, noting TIE fighters stacked up the sloping walls, black clad workers trying desperately _not_ to draw Ben’s attention, and small pockets of Stormtroopers patrolling. Glancing behind me, a hexagonal force field hummed softly, the void of space yawning beyond. 

I stopped, admiring the fathomless abyss. I had been on Ajan Kloss for a year and a half, manning the medical tent, and I’d spent lonely nights dreaming about leaving on a mission. Longing filled my chest. I didn’t even know how to fly. As a child, I had wanted to be a pilot- to see the stars. Once, Poe had joked he could teach me. Or, perhaps it hadn’t been a joke, but an offer. 

“I will be your _only_ teacher.” He insisted from my left. 

From the corner of my eye, I watched his hands fist. A series of surprised yelps as something exploded behind us. 

_Provoke him._ A disquieting voice whispered. 

I turned. “I see you’re still having self-control issues. Might want to get that sorted before you offer your boundless expertise, _Master_.” I spat the title out of gritted teeth.

The ship we’d exited minutes before slid into the wall with a deafening crack, metal crunching. Screams rang out as the entire hanger bay went red, sirens wailing and alarms flashing. He took my wrist in a crushing grip and dragged me through the chaos, out into endless turns of black hallways. 

Reaching a lift, he shoved me inside, displeasure radiating from him in waves. 

Why did I do that? Where had that voice come from? It was the same whispering that had urged me to admit that his violence had excited me. 

“I’m sorry.” I said. “That’s- that’s not like me.” 

And now I was _apologizing_ to Kylo Ren? Or was I apologizing to Ben? I felt foggy. 

“You’re hurt, hungry, and exhausted.” Ben replied. 

When the lift doors opened, he gestured for me to step out rather than continuing to manhandle me. I took that as acceptance of my apology.

We entered a small set of quarters. The tones were dark, like the rest of the _Steadfast_ I’d seen so far. There was just enough room for a small bed. A tiny desk was set into the wall with a chair, and I noticed a half closet door and a few drawers for personal items. 

“This will be your room.” He stated tersely, immediately walking over to a narrow door in the corner, punching in a code. “You’ll need to come through to my room for the ‘fresher.”

 _His room._ I watched Ben duck through the small door.

I’d assumed I’d be in some sort of cell. I struggled with the concept of sleeping in a room one wall away from him, sharing a shower. It seemed… intimate. 

Again, I followed him. The fog in my mind was getting worse the longer I was awake. His room was much larger, but sparsely furnished. He was leaning against an open doorway, waiting. 

I stepped in past him, noting a pile of towels and a change of clothes sitting on the edge of the sink. 

“I’ll order food for you.” He hesitated. “Maybe then, we can talk.”

As the door closed, I stood, stunned. His moods were more mercurial than ever. In small moments, he seemed like Ben. Then he flung an entire ship into the side of a hanger in a jealous rage. 

My nerves at stripping naked with Ben only a few meters away dissolved the second the hot water hit my skin. I scrubbed myself almost raw trying to get all the grime from the past two days off my body. 

Stepping out, I paused to take a look at myself in the mirror. 

It was not a pretty sight. My cheekbone was heavily bruised, dark circles slashing angrily under my eyes. My hair was in a tangled mat. I hurriedly dried myself off and dressed.

I rummaged through the drawers, finally finding a comb. I brushed my teeth with my finger, using the toothpaste I’d also pillaged in my search. Clearly stalling, I carefully folded and hung the towels on a nearby drying rack. 

Would he still have that mask on when I walked out? So many years had passed. Part of me argued it might be easier if I never saw his face. A queasy feeling settled in my gut as I thought about what I had felt back in that cell. I hadn’t even known it was him. In fact, the energy had been so insidious I thought it was a _thing_ I had sensed, not a person, and certainly not Ben. 

I peered anxiously around his room as I exited the ‘fresher. Two doors were open- one leading to my quarters. I padded quietly over to the second, the floor icy beneath my bare feet. 

He was sitting at a long table, absorbed in his datapad, face free of the mask. The most shocking thing was the scar that marred the right side of his face- beginning at his forehead and slashing down onto his cheek and neck, disappearing beneath his shirt. 

His hooded eyes had deep bruises of fatigue underneath. He had the same long nose, strong brow and wide, plush mouth that haunted my dreams, but now the planes of his face were harsher. The subtle laugh lines I remembered were gone, replaced by creases of anger and worry. He had changed, matured- and was even more striking for it. The light caught on his inky black hair, a few silver strands winking at his temple, falling into unruly waves around his shoulders. I longed to run my fingers through it. 

As usual, his large frame engulfed the chair he rested on. He always seemed to be just a few inches too tall for everything. It always used to make me feel safe, the way his entire body could curve around mine. 

Seemingly absorbed in his work, I took more time to examine him, carefully propelling a whisper of Force energy toward him- my plan to skip gently over his mind and sate my curiosity. But I was abruptly clasped in a dark undertow and pulled into the terrible dissonance within him. I could sense _my_ Ben in the swirling tides of pain, lost and drowning in the fury and shame, the discordance deafening. How could anyone function this way? I tried to struggle away, wanting to close myself off to the harshness of his reality. 

As I tried to flee back into myself, something inside him grabbed me and tugged me back, and I felt something rip away from me.

I shattered. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren POV.

Ren sensed her tentatively approach, but he had been distracted by the endless march of messages on his datapad. Troop movements, intelligence reports, trade negotiations. She seemed to be examining him, and since it wasn’t disrupting his ability to continue his work he allowed it, nonplussed by the intrusion.

But then it felt as if a sharp drop in altitude occurred in the dining room. He wasn’t entirely sure _what_ had caused it, but his ears had popped, and a painful, strangled gasp had sounded from the doorway.

He was now crouched in front of her. She had sunk to her knees, and was propping herself up on the edge of the doorway, her tired eyes saucer-wide, skin white; a florid bruise marking her cheek. He was about to call a medical droid when she spoke. 

“What- what happened to you?” Her eyes were pinned on his face. 

They both knew she wasn’t referencing the scar. 

Ren wasn’t altogether sure what he should do. She was clearly distraught by the changes she’d seen within him. He was not a gentle man. At least, not anymore, and right now he was not having merciful thoughts. Her mind was wide open- he could take whatever he wanted. A treasure trove of intel on the Resistance was slumped in front of him, helpless.

A pressure in his head pinched at him. He wanted to demolish the Resistance, but he didn’t want to hurt _her_. He tried to think of what he would have done to soothe her, all those years ago, but that caused another searing stab of discomfort. 

Ren set his hand on her undamaged cheek, caressing her softly. 

Her body began shaking violently, and he found himself picking her up from the floor, settling himself back into his chair with her head resting against his shoulder. He wove his hand through her damp hair, cradling her head. Unable to help himself, he breathed in her scent, intoxicated by the mix of her own subtle sweetness and his soap; the combination of smells, hers entwining with his woke something possessive inside him, his hands tightening around her. 

_Mine._ It roared inside him. 

They stayed like that for some time, until a beep sounded from the door, jarring her upright. 

She seemed shocked to find herself on his lap, stiffening in panic. 

“It’s just the food.” He explained, carefully setting her on her feet. He was eager to get some distance from her, confused by the swirl of feelings that were created from such closeness.

Dazed, she took the chair to the left of him. 

He let the server droids in, and they made quick work of setting the table. She watched them as they busily set her a place and organized several hot dishes in the center of the table. Ren picked up her plate and filled it with food. 

“Eat.” He said.

She released a jagged breath and obeyed, her movements slow and shaky. 

When she stopped, her plate was still half full. He frowned, about to insist she finish what was there. Ren dismissed the strange impulse, noting that color had returned to her face. 

Her eyes flicked up at him. He allowed himself to enjoy the beauty of her gaze, getting lost in the many shades. Ren remembered they used change in tone with her surroundings, how as a younger man he wondered if he’d ever be able to identify each subtle hue. 

What ridiculous, weak, romantic drivel. 

_Yes. There it is. You have too much of your father’s heart in you, young Solo._ Snoke’s derisive voice in his mind.

He admonished himself. He should have taken advantage of her earlier episode and extracted the information he needed. She’d had a chance to collect herself now, and though he could pick up traces of thought, he could feel a barrier in her mind. At this point, she wouldn’t give it up without a fight. 

_A fight she will ultimately lose._ He was uncomfortable with the direction of his own thoughts as she continued to stare at him in silence, eyes soft. That softness was dangerous. The only path for him was the dark. He would no longer be the manipulated, but the manipulator. He had the control now. Skywalker was dead, the Resistance- although frustratingly resilient- was in tatters, and he was Supreme Leader. In charge of his own destiny. 

In that throne room two years ago, the bodies of his former Master, the Pretorian guards and Rey scattered around him, he’d promised himself something. It was time to let old things die. Snoke, Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the Resistance. He would rule and bring a new order to the galaxy. Alone. 

“Ben?” 

He shot up out of his seat, the chair clattering into the wall behind him. That- that was an old thing. His name. Her. She was a relic from the past. He should strike her down now. He’d grown stronger in the dark side over the past few years, despite the duality of his nature. But he felt it again. The pull to the Light. 

_Had Lord Vader not succumbed to emotion at that crucial moment..._ Snoke’s teachings sang in his head. 

“Sentiment.” Ren snarled aloud. 

_Yes. Such a simple thing. Such a foolish error in judgement._

“I am immune to the light. I will not be seduced.” But there was just as little truth in that statement now as there had been before. 

_You have compassion for her._ His former Master’s voice was just as flat and disappointed in his memory as it had been that day. 

He reached for his weapon, red light illuminating the room. He slashed at the walls, the chair, the floor. Long lines of bleeding metal filling his vision. He clung to the rage. All the things that he had done. It was too late. He had chosen the dark, again and again. His father’s pleas, Rey’s certainty in her vision of him, so solid and true. Both gone. 

An exasperated sigh from behind him. “They must have a separate line item in the budget labeled ‘Supreme Leader’s Rage Issues’.” 

It was like she _wanted_ to set him off. For a brief moment, a thrill chased down his spine- her purposefully provoking him into violence, the things that he might do to impel her obedience. 

Then he remembered- she used to diffuse his pique with humor. She kept calling him Ben; trapped in the past and reacting to him as the person he had been, no way of knowing how tidy his anger had been then compared to the wrath that blazed inside him now.

There was an advantage here to be exploited. It would require some subtlety on his part, and a fair amount of acting. Ren would need to guard carefully against her. To seduce her toward the Dark without allowing her to tip the already fragile scale inside him. 

He turned the still-thrumming saber off, sheathing it at his side.

“Ren.” He said, sitting down across from her, as if the smoking wall and bisected chair had never happened. 

She followed his lead, never even glancing at the damaged section of room. 

“Ren.” She repeated, testing it. It sounded flat to him, holding none of the tenderness she breathed into his old title, and again the internal battle waged- longing to hear her reverently speak his birth name against the risk of further destabilizing himself if she did. Some days he was hanging by a thread. 

“For when we aren’t alone.” He qualified. “I cannot have you addressing me as ‘Ben’ outside these walls.”

Her attention crept over to the still smoking panels at his words, a question in her eyes.

“I will- work on it.” Ren forced out, his hand raising to the back of his neck self-consciously. 

“I know you were hoping we could speak.” She said, pausing nervously. “Perhaps- that could wait for tomorrow? I’m really tired.”

Disappointment shot through him. Old protocols hammered into him as the child of a Senator overrode it as he rose politely, gesturing to the door. He followed her closely enough to catch her in case she stumbled. Where was this gallantry coming from?

When she turned to close the door between their rooms, he grabbed her wrist. “The door stays open.” He gave a firm squeeze at the pressure-point, causing her fingers to jerk away from the control pad. 

Her lips parted with a quick intake of breath, gaze pinned on his broad hand. She gave a small nod.

Ren slowly released her, letting his fingers trace her palm as he pulled away. 

“Sweet dreams.” He’d said that to her every night- before. He turned away from her, something inside him twisting as he realized it was the first time in seven years he’d said goodnight to anyone. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe shares his misgivings about leaving you behind with Leia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's debate on whether Poe Dameron knows the relationship between Kylo Ren/Leia in TLJ. There are arguments to be made both ways, as far as I can tell. So I just chose that he doesn't know, and made some other decisions regarding what the public had heard regarding her family.

Poe Dameron paced in front of the General restlessly, crews scurrying around them, eager to get their new base up and operational. 

“Leaving her behind was a mistake.” He said. 

“I didn’t like it any more than you did, Commander. But she was right. We didn’t have another option. You and I both know the Resistance is in a delicate state- we need to keep the spark alive.” 

“Rey stayed—” Poe began.

“Rey was only briefly on the base at D’Qar before she left for Ahch-To. She may have chosen to leave on her own without that mission. Luke did the same thing during the war against the Empire. He worried his presence was putting us at risk.” 

“It’s a Jedi thing, then?” Poe replied wryly. 

“You could say that.” 

“It’s just- the thought of her, with….him. She said she was a former Jedi classmate- that makes no sense. The temple…” Poe’s voice trailed off, nervous to mention the site of her son’s death. 

Leia took a cleansing breath. “No more secrets.” She motioned for him to follow her to a quieter corner of the cavern. 

As they walked, memories surfaced of the day the New Republic learned she was the daughter of Darth Vader. The professional fallout had been devastating, but the personal consequences had destroyed her family. She was unsure how Poe would react to what she was about to reveal. But the time had come. 

Poe was confused when they finally stopped, partially hidden by a stack of supplies. “Secrets?”

“From a certain point of view, what you believe about my son is true.” Leia said, turning away from him.

“From a certain point of view?” 

“My son was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force. The day he destroyed the Jedi Temple he ceased to be Ben Solo and became Kylo Ren. When that happened, my son died. In a sense.” 

Disbelief colored Poe’s voice. “Kylo Ren, The Supreme Leader of the First Order, is your _son_?” 

“Yes.” She replied. 

“You let _everyone_ believe your son was dead. That he died when the Temple was destroyed. We all thought the reason Luke was in hiding was his guilt over not being able to save Ben. Save Ben _from_ Kylo Ren.” 

Leia turned back to Poe. “That is true. Luke felt responsible. We all did. I had sent my son to Luke for training- I knew Ben had darkness in him, that he struggled with it.”

Poe’s glance darted around at the bustle of Resistance members. “Who else knows this?” 

“Very few that are still alive.” She said with sadness. “Chewbacca, C-3PO, R2D2. A few other old friends scattered among the galaxy. And Finn.”

“Finn?” Poe asked, quizzical. Leia watched him make the connection. “Starkiller Base.”

She nodded. 

“We just sent her to a man who killed his own father.” Poe’s shoulders tensed, his hands closing into fists. “I’m going to get her. Now.”

“No!” Leia felt a rising panic. She couldn’t lose another son. Couldn’t bear the thought of Ben killing Poe. “I spoke to her before we left. She was confident this was the way. She and Ben were close.”

Poe went completely still. “Close?” 

“She implied it was romantic. He spoke to her the night the Temple burned. Luke told me about how he’d found the other students dead, after Ben left, and from what he shared it’s significant that he was merciful toward her; especially on that night.” 

Poe shook his head violently. “A long time has passed since then, and I’ve been subject to his whims. He’ll take her by force, rip intel from her mind, - she won’t have a choice. There’s no mercy in that creature. Not anymore.” He glanced up at Leia. “The man I met was not your son. He had nothing of you in him.”

“I still have hope.” Leia felt the wish as a fierce burning in her heart. She would not give up on her son. One last chance. _No one’s ever really gone_. 

Poe’s expression relaxed. “As his mother, of course you do. But that doesn’t make it true. I’m not going to count on her being able to pull out whatever mercy might be left inside Kylo Ren. I’m contacting the mole and bringing her back where she belongs- with us.” 

_With me_. Leia caught Poe’s unspoken thought. The longing, and – jealousy. “You care for her.” 

Poe had the grace to look sheepish. “Even before she saved my life- she was so secretive, closed off.” He chuckled. “I’d been trying for months to get to know her better, but every time she just seemed to slide away, like water through my fingertips.”

“Unusual experience for you.” Leia’s voice teased. 

“Yeah.” Poe’s lips curved in a rueful smile. 

Leia sighed. This was a complication- Poe was not going to let this go; and if she weren’t careful her nightmare would come to reality. Dameron would go blazing in and Ben would kill him. 

“Do you have a reliable way of contacting the mole?” She asked.

“Yes.”

“You cannot go rushing in and try to remove her; that could result in both your deaths. I propose we contact the mole and ask if they are willing to keep an eye on her, perhaps even contact her anonymously and give her a way to request our help through them.” Leia held her breath, praying her compromise would work.

Poe’s face twisted in displeasure. “I don’t know that I entirely trust this mole- leaving her well-being in the hands of Kylo Ren and an unknown First Order officer….” His voice trailed off, unconvinced.

“She told me before she left that she didn’t regret saving you, despite the cost, and her distance with others had been purposeful. She believes that you are a core part of what’s keeping the Resistance alive. If you died trying to save her…” 

Poe scraped his fingers through his hair. “Fine. We’ll try the mole first. Please note my reluctance with this plan.”

“Noted, Commander.” Leia strode out into the commotion. “Now let’s get this base operational.” 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have a chance to process your first encounter with Kylo Ren, and something strange happens when you drift off to sleep.

I watched Ren’s retreat, still off-balance from the dizzying combination of behaviors he’d displayed in the handful of hours we’d shared together so far. Motionless, I distantly realized I was stroking the place on my body he’d last touched. 

In vain, I attempted to clear my head, but no matter what I did impressions of him swirled and filled my attention, a hurricane of emotions coming with each. 

Ben, gently pulling my head to his chest to shield me from the unexpected light of the cell door, answering a curious unspoken question about the pristine floors, accepting my apology, unfailingly polite. Cradling me in his arms, filling my plate with food, promising to try to be better with an averted gaze and a tense hand on his neck. Wishing me sweet dreams. 

Ren, chaotic, distant, silent. Jealous, raging…

_Exciting._ His hand a warning at my throat, fingers pressing the nerve in my wrist, controlling my body. 

I raked my fingers down my face. What had happened when I’d brushed against his mind tonight? There was a rawness inside of me that hadn’t been there before. A scrape against my spirit, a tearing and rending where I’d lost something to him, or to a part of him; but I couldn’t identify what had been stolen or altered. 

Trepidation snaked in my throat - what, exactly was I doing here? What did he want from me? Not talking tonight had been the correct choice as I was in no state to negotiate what would no doubt be a tense, emotionally fraught conversation where he was likely to fly off the handle without warning. Clearly from statements in the cell he was under the impression he would once again teach me. 

Moving to the small bed, I ran my hands along the cool sheets, a luxury after the sticky, humid heat of Ajan Kloss. Everything had felt perpetually damp, covered in a thin sheen of moisture, which had been a slow form of torture over the past year and a half. The fabric on the bed was crisp, sliding easily under my touch, fresh and inviting. I sighed with pleasure as I slid my body under the covers, the temperature of the room mild enough to allow for an extra blanket. 

My mind continued to wander as I drifted, attempting to process a level of action I hadn’t seen in a long time. 

I had been bored. Weary of always staying behind patching up those who returned from missions, stuck in the airless sweltering jungle, the only entertainment stories from those who were out risking their lives to keep the Resistance alive. Suffocating my connection to the Force. Hiding, stagnant, restless. Until being jarred from it, I had not realized how exhausted I’d been. Or perhaps I had realized, and pushed it away, allowing day after day to melt into the next. Numb. 

Seeing Ben again, no matter how disorienting and confusing the encounters were, injected a fire into my veins. No longer did I know what the next day would bring. 

_What is wrong with you?_ A piece of my consciousness screeched. _What kind of person would enjoy this experience?_

Muffled sounds from the other room- his room, reached my ears. A strange thrill filled me imagining him getting ready for bed, just there beyond the open threshold. Apparently that had not changed over the years, the pull between us, tension coiling as we carefully danced around one another, careful not to get too close.

_There’s no one stopping you now._ I almost laughed aloud at the thought. Getting involved with Ben was one thing, but a romantic entanglement with Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, Master of the Knights of Ren? That was quite another.

Finally, my fatigue was too much for me to fight and I surrendered, heavy lids closing out the dim light shining from the open doorway. 

_I’m in the Falcon. I see the decking is once again stacked, the service hold open. I shudder, remembering the sight of Poe’s body down in the crevasse._

_Suddenly, Poe’s head pops up over the edge of the decking. “CHEWIE!”_

_A loud roar, and Chewbacca appears from the direction of the cockpit._

_Poe gestures in exasperation at something in the hold. “What did you down here!? I can’t believe Finn and I even made it off Ajan Kloss- the hyperdrive motivator is damaged, the sublight ion engine is – well, it’s doing something it shouldn’t. Half the circuitry is fried.”_

_A loud series of roars emanates from Chewbacca. I’m not good at reading Wookie facial expressions but he seems indignant._

_“Percussive maintenance? What does—“ Poe’s mouth gapes open. “You hit it until it worked? When has that EVER been-“_

_He’s cut off by a long reply of grunts._

_Poe raises his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, okay. I get it, it’s worked in the past.” He glances into the pit. “I think we’re going to need a new droid brain. An R3 astromech, I think. No wonder this ship seems to have a personality disorder. It’s got three different heads.” He shakes his own, seemingly bewildered by the modifications._

_A short growl from Chewbacca as he exits._

_“Thanks, buddy!” Poe calls._

_I_ _watch as Poe rakes a gloved hand through his hair, half out of the hold as he rummages through several boxes of tools and miscellaneous electronics, muttering to himself. His shirt is open at the top, collar popped. Shadows of grime litter his clothing, and there’s a mark of grease on his strong jaw. I admire the corded strength of his neck, the permanent shadow of whiskers on his cheeks and the play of tendons under his exposed forearms, shirt sleeves rolled up casually to his elbows._

_His movements slow, and he looks up._

_Directly into my eyes._

I jerked awake. That had not been a dream- I’d somehow connected to Poe in my sleep, able to observe what he was doing- but the really unnerving part was that it appeared _he_ saw _me_. 

My training had been inconsistent and mostly an afterthought on Master Luke’s part, but my mind spun through the lessons of long ago, trying to explain the phenomena. Poe didn’t have any Force sensitivity- did he? A story tugged at the back of my mind, a rare moment when Master Luke had opened up about his time in the Rebellion, sharing some stories about his old Masters and the Millennium Falcon. Ben had been so agitated by it, he’d left- and I’d shortly followed, concerned. But just before I’d exited, I recalled a bemused reference to Han Solo’s “scoundrel’s luck” - how Han had managed to slip out of trouble and win against incredible odds despite no active connection to the Force. 

Poe seemed to have the same incredible fortune, fate constantly landing on his side. 

_Never tell me the odds._ He’d said, smiling, during so many games of Sabacc in the mess hall area of the _Tantive IV_ ; after which he would go on to win the hand. Half the Resistance thought he was cheating despite there never being evidence of it. 

But an offhand comment years ago by Master Luke and luck at card games were flimsy supports for what I thought had just occurred. Plus, I was disoriented, unsure how long I had been asleep; hopefully not long as I felt everything but well-rested. 

With a sigh, I turned onto my side, tucking the experience away to examine later. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV, checking in with the Resistance gang at the new base.

Poe stared, stunned. He could have sworn that she had been laying right there on the edge of the seats in the main hold, watching him with sleepy eyes. The second he’d blinked, she was gone. 

Several cheery chirps warbled out as BB-8 rolled into the room.

“I think I’m losing my mind, BB-8.”

A sassy retort about that having happened long ago. Poe’s face split into a grin. 

He moved back to the repair work, chatting easily with his droid companion, who seemed to know everything about everyone on base.

“You’re a terrible gossip.” Poe teased from below as he carefully detached the fried droid brain from the Falcon. If Chewie was unable to scavenge another, perhaps he could just wire the two remaining together, but he hoped that didn’t happen. The ship was heavily, illegally modified, and so many slipshod repairs over the years created cascading incompatibilities in systems. He could swear something fell off every time they took her out. 

_This ship. There’s something about it. I have a feeling the Resistance isn’t going to win without it._ Her words to him on Ajan Kloss, insistent that he and Finn leave her there to join the rest. 

But there _was_ something about this ship. It felt like home. 

It also shouldn’t fly even half as well as it did, considering it’s cobbled together nature. It had a hyperdrive twice the size it was rated for- that alone should have blown the ship to space dust. The Falcon’s navcomputer was incredibly fast, but persnickety, just like the rest of the old vessel. 

Maybe he _had_ really seen her there, and it wasn’t a trick of the light or his mind. He stroked a scorched wall. “You’ve got some tricks up your sleeve, yet, don’t you, old girl?” 

A series of perturbed tweets sounded from above him and his thoughtful reverie shattered. 

“The General needs to see me?” Poe pulled himself easily from the compartment, tossing his dirty gloves to the side. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

BB-8 exasperatedly squeaked about human attention spans and focus. 

Poe stepped off of the Falcon, breathing in the temperate, clean air of Lah’Mu, admiring the view of its verdant lowlands. The scent of the loamy, rich soil filled his nose. 

The planet was sparsely populated, located in the Raioballo sector of the Outer Rim, so it was highly unlikely that any First Order spies or ships would compromise their location. However, this was also a downside, as the planet was practically inaccessible, cut off from major hyperspace routes. It was highly defensible, as there was only one known safe hyperspace lane into the sector- currently a team of navigators was working on a new route to utilize in the event of discovery by the First Order.

He walked toward the main part of their slapdash base. Tucked between two mountains, taking advantage of the natural terrain, the new Resistance base was being cobbled back together after their departure from Ajan Kloss with alarming speed. Consoles were being unloaded from the few ships they still had left and moved into a large cavern. The cave had provided enough space to accommodate the X-wings and other smaller ships, but larger transports like the _Tantive IV_ were open to the elements. He entered it and headed toward the General’s makeshift command center.

“Poe.” Leia said warmly. “How are repairs on the Falcon?” 

“Getting there. I’ve got Chewie looking for a part to replace the one that blew, but once we can find that- or I rig a workaround, she should be good to go.”

Rose Tico entered the room, her coveralls layered with dirt, hair secured back from her kind, rounded face. “We need a regulator. Old model. We’ve been limping her along for a while now, but without that part this ship isn’t getting off Lah’mu, for any reason.” 

He nodded, turning to Leia. “I know a guy.” 

“I’d hoped you would.” 

“He’s an Ovissian mine overseer, name of Boolio. If he doesn’t have the part, he might someone who does. He’s the guy that was siphoning off surplus minerals for us when we were based on D’Qar. He doesn’t have access to a secure channel, but we established a code. I’ll send out a message and see if he bites- it’s been a few years.”

“What if he’s moved on? Other options?” Rose asked.

“Corellia.” Poe said. 

“The First Order has a significant presence on Corellia. You wouldn’t be able to take the Falcon.” Leia cautioned.

Poe’s face split into a cocky smile. “Oh, I think we can manage.” Half a dozen hare-brained schemes circled in his head. Flaunting the Falcon right under the First Order’s noses and no doubt causing their Supreme Leader to have an apoplectic fit- that sounded like a great way to spend an afternoon. 

Rose and Leia shared an exasperated glance. 

“Let’s hope the mine overseer comes through.” Leia said. 

“Where’s the fun in that?” Poe laughed. Part of him fervently agreed with her, but a side trip to Boolio’s asteroid mine would be boring compared to a romp in the Inner Rim. 

A look that was a cross between amusement and pain settled on Leia’s face. “Sometimes, Poe, you remind me so much of Han.”

“Charming scoundrel who repeatedly saved the galaxy and swept an Alderaanian Princess off her feet in the middle of a war? I’ll take that compliment, General.”

Rose snickered. “I think that was only half a compliment, Poe. He used to drive the General crazy.”

“Or did he keep things interesting?” Poe countered, winking. 

He finally got a laugh from her; something he’d been conscious to do for the last several months. Leia appeared fatigued, remaining in her ship for increased amounts of time-but when he could make her laugh she seemed to lighten, even if it was only for a short while. 

Still chuckling, Leia shooed him out. “Go. Get the Falcon fixed and find me that part for this damn ship.”

Rose fell into step beside him as they exited. “I’ve noticed you doing that, you know. Trying to lift her spirits with your roguish charm.” 

Poe didn’t deny it, meeting her eyes and nodding. “How is she, really?” 

Tears filled Rose’s eyes. “Her health is failing. After being blown off the bridge of the _Raddus_...well, it’s taken a steep toll. But more than that- something is weighing heavily on her. Something other than all the usual things. I think it must be Jedi stuff. Or maybe it’s too much grief. Han, Rey…”

They stared at one another, testing.

“- her son blazing a path of destruction across the galaxy.” Poe finished. 

“I’m glad she told you.” Rose said quietly, relieved. 

“I didn’t think you knew. When I asked about it, she didn’t say you did.” 

“Some of us figured it out by accident, working so closely with her- she would make little comments, never to the same person. But we gossip.” Rose admitted guiltily. “Maz was the one that caught us, and rather than scolding us she shared some of the story. We haven’t told the General we know- but Maz seemed to think it was important that we did, even if it’s never mentioned.” 

“Silent support.” Poe agreed. 

She took his arm. “Let me know when you’re planning on leaving. I’d like to come.”

Poe winced. “I’m not sure that’s a great idea, Rose. Finn will be with me.”

“I know. We’re not- it’s not- I’m not mad at him about what happened. Losing Rey has been hard for him, harder than it would have been on anyone else, as he’d only just started making connections. It hasn’t even been that long since he rescued you from the First Order. You- and Rey, were the first people he started to count on, and he has such a big heart. He just wasn’t ready for something serious. But I miss him- and you.”

Her dark eyes met his, pleading. Poe caved. “Let me at least talk with him about it. He may be feeling more awkward than he is anything else.” He put an arm around her, giving her a quick squeeze. “I miss you, too.” 

They parted ways, Poe headed back to the Falcon, hopeful that Chewbacca had come up with the part he needed to get the ship operational. When he arrived, he jogged up the ramp and turned to the communications console, sending out the coded message to Boolio regarding the regulator Rose needed. Then he sought out Finn.

Finn was in the crew quarters, ripping through a storage section angrily.

“Hey, buddy, lose something?” Poe asked.

Finn continued pillaging, muttering in irritation. “They were right here- Chewbacca said all her things were here.”

“Rey’s things?”

Finn nodded tersely.

“I-ah- the General had asked for them. Right before we left Ajan Kloss. It seemed important to her, and I didn’t know there was anything in there you wanted.” Poe glanced at Finn apologetically.

Finn’s face relaxed. “Oh. Well, if the General has them, that’s fine. There were just some strange books from Ahch-To. I couldn’t make out half of what they were about, but something about them…” Finn shook his head, changing the subject. “You need help with the repairs?”

“No, just waiting on a part.” Suddenly Poe was uncomfortable. “I wanted to ask you about something.” 

“Sure.”

“Rose asked if she could come with us – I just got back from speaking with her and the General. The _Tantive IV_ needs a regulator. Pretty badly.” 

Finn’s response was flat. “That’s fine.”

“That was unconvincing. It’s up to you.”

Finn let out a long sigh. “She’s your friend, too. And, with all that’s happened, I honestly just haven’t known what to say.” 

“Yeah.” 

“We could really use her. Especially if we’re taking this old rust bucket.” Finn smacked the side of the bunk, a small smile on his face. “We’ll work it out.”

Poe exhaled, relieved. “Great. Chewie and I will keep working, and with any luck we’ll be off world in a few hours.” He got up, heading back to the main hold.

He found himself pausing in front of the seating area, hand on the worn, fraying leather. He hadn’t been seeing things. She’d been right here in the hold with him. He was sure of it. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux POV- pissy with Ren per usual.

Armitage Hux stood in front of Allegiant General Pryde. “He’s gone mad. The girl is in his quarters. It is an unacceptable breach of protocol, sir. We are constantly behind schedule, we re-directed the largest ship in the fleet for his, his- pet project. It’s the scavenger all over again.”

“Careful, General Hux. He might hear you.” Pryde chuckled. “We both know you’re not his favorite. Wouldn’t want you going the way of General Quinn, now would we?” 

He was undeterred, continuing to air his grievances. “Sir, she is a Resistance operative. He hasn’t even interrogated her yet.”

“We don’t know that.” 

A chill chased down Hux’s spine at what Pryde was implying. Certainly, the First Order hadn’t gone so far as to rape someone for information when some simple torture would suffice? So much more orderly that way. Simple, clean and straightforward. Not only that, Ren could simply snatch the needed intel from her mind. Even more efficient. 

Then there was the other incident. “Hanger Bay 15 was damaged this evening. The _Night Buzzard_ mysteriously slid into the wall. There were injuries, as well as significant damage to the TIE fighters docked there. This is most irregular.” Hux felt his shoulders pinch in annoyance. 

Pryde waved his hand indulgently, unconcerned. “Minor injuries, repairs are already underway. There are protocols for such things, and the staff followed them flawlessly- besides, the _Night Buzzard_ is the ship of the Knights of Ren, and they are familiar with their Master’s moods.” 

“We should not need protocols to handle such personal irregularities, sir. This is a military operation. Control. Precision.” Hux valued order and dignity, and Ren was flouting procedure- he always had. 

“Our Supreme Leader is passionate.” Pryde reframed, his cool blue eyes nonplussed. “It is a part of his great strength, that unpredictability and anger- you have seen how he crushes his opponents.”

“Yet the Resistance remains!” Hux raised his voice, indignant. 

“They are on the run. We are pursuing their sympathizers, crushing their ability to communicate and disrupting suspicious supply lines. The Knights of Ren have made effective statements to their allies through petty violence and assassination. Soon they will be no more than a story, and then as the year’s pass, not even that will survive.” 

Hux twisted his face in disgust. “I find them to be frustratingly plucky.” The pilot—Dameron- had called him ‘Hugs’. The nickname had spread through the First Order, continuing to irritate him. 

Pryde turned to Hux, bemused. “Indeed. ‘Plucky’ is the word. Ren will provide us with any information he receives from the girl soon enough. Perhaps that will aid us in rooting out the devils.”

Hux nodded, pretending to defer to his superior. Pryde and Ren underestimated him. Just as well, as it gave him more latitude to carefully lay out his plans to ascend to Supreme Leader. 

“Very well, Allegiant General. We shall hope for new intel from this newest prisoner.” 

“Dismissed.” Pryde said.

Hux walked off of the bridge, frustrated- but eager to check for any new messages from his Resistance “friends”. How shocked their faces would be if they knew his identity.

Entering his quarters, he carefully plied a section of wall apart that was hidden just under and behind his mattress, the ancient datapad flickering to life under his long fingers. 

There was a new message waiting for him.

_Query: Do you have access to prisoner taken from Ajan Kloss? Would you be willing to grant a favor; to please contact prisoner and/or assist with safety. Person is of interest to Supreme Leader- removal of asset at right time could destabilize power structure._

Hux crowed softly, a broad smile stretching his thin, dry lips. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren is angry, but then SMUT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Light restraint, some orgasm denial, no aftercare, male fully clothed/female mostly naked. 
> 
> I'm not super great with TW, so if there's something else I should be adding or something that you think I missed please let me know so I can add it.

I was dragged from my deep sleep forcefully, coming awake to find Ben, mask back on, sitting in a chair next to my bed.

How long had he been there?

“I see we’ve started our new relationship with deception.” He said, voice metallic and cold.

“What?”

Several books landed violently on the bed. “Would you like to explain why these were in your things?”

“My things?” My brain was struggling to follow.

“The Knights collected your supplies from Ajan Kloss. These were buried, concealed in a hidden compartment. I should have known last night was an act.”

An act? Alarm rising in me, I examined them- old and fragile tomes, a few scrolls- I’d never seen them before. Maybe the trunk had belonged to someone else. 

“What are they?” I asked, confused at his ire. 

Ben’s gloved hand shot out, the entire breadth of it clasping my face in a painful grip, as if he wanted to rip the front of my skull off. The bruise from yesterday smarted, beginning to throb anew from the pressure his fingers were exerting. 

“Ben!” I pushed at his arm, trying to struggle away. I may as well have been pushing away a mountain for all the good it did me. 

Then I felt it- him in my mind, angrily trying to slam through my memories. “I’m disappointed.” He said, the pain intensifying.

This had all been a terrible misunderstanding, those books clearly upsetting him in some way- but I didn’t have anything to hide. At least, not about this. Would he just keep digging in my thoughts until he found something?

My head was in a vise. He didn’t have to touch me to do this, but he was, his grip intensifying with the intrusions. 

“Stop! STOP! Please!” I squirmed, thumping against his forearm with my hands. “I don’t understand what is going on!” 

The onslaught didn’t abate, and I didn’t want to fight him. But I also didn’t want all of my secrets laid bare before him. 

“All you have to do is ask and I’ll let you in!” I snapped. 

He paused, seemingly taken aback. “All I have to do – is ask?” Ben repeated, as if trying to form words in a foreign language he didn’t speak.

“Yes.” I tried to stay calm, but my heart beat so quickly it felt like a hummingbird in my chest, adrenaline pumping frantically in my veins. 

His hand fell away from my face to rest on the edge of the bed. “Why did you tell me you’d cut yourself off from the Force?” A gentler probing in my mind.

I stared at him, perplexed. “Because I did.” I purposefully thought of the long, lonely years past, how two-dimensional things had felt to me; how lost I’d felt.

“Then why the Jedi texts hidden in your supplies? Were you planning something? Have you been secretly training with someone?” The last question was hissed out, his displeasure rising while he again started to reassert his power over me. 

I jolted, my attention drawn to the books that had been unceremoniously dumped on my bed, distracting me completely. “Ancient Jedi texts!?” I squeaked excitedly, grabbing for one even as he continued to search my mind. A subtle shift as he noted my surprise at the content of the books, and his presence inside me faded. 

“How is it that you were unaware?” He asked carefully.

“I didn’t pack my own supplies. Your mother had it taken care of for me. “My hand reverently stroked the nearest volume, excited to explore it later. 

"Why would General Organa leave these with you?” He pondered out loud. “She must have known I would find them, destroy them. Seems wasteful for her.” 

Sadness filled me hearing him use her formal title before I registered the rest of his words. 

“Destroy them! No!” I flung my body over them protectively. “At least let me look at them- just once? Did you examine them before you woke me? You never know, something in here may be of interest to you.”

“You really- didn’t know?” His voice sounded almost hopeful, or at least I thought it did, as it was hard to hear emotions from underneath the layers of distortion.

I knew Ben was incredibly sensitive to any perceived betrayal- he had been in the past and it seemed to continue now, so I carefully sat up on my knees, making my eyes level with the slit in the mask. 

“I really didn’t know.” I took his hand from the edge of the bed and placed it against my face again, a gesture of trust. 

It was hard to let him in without instinctively trying to protect myself, but I tried. Seemingly satisfied with what he saw, his touch on my face became gentle, and he traced my eyebrow, hand sliding down over my cheekbone and jaw to rest over my nape.

Neither of us moved, only a short distance between us, his thumb carefully rubbing the tendons on the side of my neck, remaining fingers pressed over my pulse. The minutes stretched on, a feeling of intimacy deepening the longer we remained. I couldn’t see his eyes, only shadow, but I felt his regard. 

The air thickened, and the intensity of the moment began to affect me in unexpected ways. Desire coiled in my low belly, warm and languid, and I trembled, uncertain. I licked my lips nervously, and leaned toward his body.

He advanced on me, pressing me back onto the mattress, bracing himself above me on the bed. His palm glided down from my nape, over my chest to the hem of my tunic. I felt my breasts tighten with arousal. The leather of his glove rasped against my skin as he snaked his arm under my shirt, his fingers pinching my erect nipple. 

My head fell back as I gasped, the sensation arrowing a frisson of electricity to my pelvis. He increased the pressure slowly, discomfort edging into a fiery hurt. I began to pant, the burning intensifying as he compressed harder. A small moan escaped my lips, and my hips canted up off the bed. 

“Interesting.” The vocoder made the word into a dark purr. 

Discomfort and desire mixed within me. I could feel the heat of his large body, blocking the bright lights of the room. He smelled clean, cool, with a hint of metal. The scent was hard and edgy, filling my senses. 

Twisting my nipple savagely, he suddenly released it, causing blood to rush back into the sensitized area, throbbing. The pain slid downward to my core, vibrating inside me like the deep thrum of an engine. 

His hand slid under the waistband of my pants and he swiped two fingers through my folds, bringing his hand back out to examine it. 

I watched through lidded eyes as he rubbed his thumb along the two fingers that had just grazed over me. He brought his gloved hand into my vision, showing me my own moisture glistening on them. I could feel it, slick between my thighs. How had I become so aroused, so quickly?

“You’re drenched.” I saw him take a steadying breath. “What am I going to do with you now?” 

A craving hammered in my blood. One simple touch had ignited a need inside me for him, and the sight of his broad form hovering over me on the bed was captivating, filling me with suspense over what he might do to me next. 

“Ben…” I trailed off- I wasn’t even sure what to ask him for. 

He pushed my arms up above my head and pulled the tunic up, exposing my breasts to the chill air. I thought he was about to take it off but he stopped, leaving the fabric of my shirt covering my face, the rest effectively trapping my arms above me. Next, he completely stripped my bottoms off, leaving me exposed. 

The twin assaults of being restrained and blinded was incredibly arousing, and my breath was coming out in short bursts. I wiggled my hips, dying to be touched. 

The buttery feel of leather returned to the apex of my thighs, two fingers sliding partway into my entrance. It had been a long time since anyone had touched me there and I was tense, my walls squeezing against the invasion. 

“Relax.” He rocked his hand, testing me, and a third finger slid in.

I bucked up into him, eager.

“Did I say you could move?” He snarled at me. 

I froze, muscles quivering. 

He had such big hands, fingers long and nimble. They thrust upward, all the way to the knuckle, hitting a spot inside me that I didn’t know existed. My entire lower half was on fire, and I could feel a slight sheen of sweat on my skin as I tried to obey him, my body begging me to squirm – anything to get more pressure. 

“Good.” A soft brush against my clit, testing my obedience. 

I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood, trying to remain still, shaking with the effort. He paused, waiting for me to settle before he resumed, thumb pressing and swirling over the small center of pleasure. 

“Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.” I didn’t recognize the breathless voice as my own. 

Every muscle in my body tensed as the speed increased, a series of moans and gasps escaping with each of my jagged breaths. I felt pleasure swell inside me, my mind going completely blank. All I cared about was release, but he kept me from it, cycling the intensity of his touch up and down until I lost count how many times he’d denied me. 

I cried out as he backed off again, leaving me suspended in a perpetual state of arousal, straining toward the peak. 

I heard him shift, and his other hand compressed my soft belly, stilling the frantic squirming that had begun again. I was out of my mind, not in control of my own body, passion boiling inside me. 

“Stay still.” 

“I can’t… please. I’ll give you anything you want. Anything.” The fabric over my face was making it harder to breathe, and I was growing lightheaded. “I need- “

“I know what you need. You’ll get it when I choose.” Ben interrupted. 

I felt a kiss of metal on my breasts, my skin catching on the creases in his mask as he nuzzled it into my chest. I’d never thought the texture was sensual before now, but it was cool against my burning skin, soothing and unsettling in equal measure. The shattered edges scraped against my hard nipples.

Helpless, I whimpered. 

"Anything I want?” Ben asked ominously.

“Yes.” Coherent thought had left me as he gently stroked over my clit. His fingers spread inside me, stretching me, filling me. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted him buried deep inside me. 

“So greedy.” He was closer now, the words vibrating near my ear, the fabric of his clothes sliding along my naked, sensitized skin. His hand was still thrusting and rubbing between my thighs, oscillating rhythm and pressure, never allowing me rest or release.

No one had ever done this to me before, this sweet torture. I was stretched on a rack of sensation. Overwhelmed but still reaching. 

“I suppose, since this is the first time, I could be- merciful.” A long pause. “You don’t come until I give you permission.” 

I sobbed, relief a drug in my blood. He could have asked for anything, and I would have given it to him. 

He switched from stroking to flicking, sharp stings agonizing on my sensitive bud. The mix of pleasure and pain was intoxicating. I called his name out, over and over, the crescendo in me building to an almost terrifying level of sensation. 

Suddenly, his body and hands were gone from me. I let out a distressed sob.

Then his mouth was on me, licking my folds, hands grasping my buttocks, angling me roughly to meet his demands. He hummed deep in the back of his throat, and the vibrations spread over my mound, ratcheting me even higher. His hot breath, the long laving of his tongue along my sex- I couldn’t control myself any longer, my feet pressing into the mattress to increase the contact. I needed to move. 

He didn’t stop me, his hands gripping me with punishing force, a growl emanating from his chest. My lungs burned, my skin felt too tight, blood roared in my ears. 

“Let go.” He breathed, and violently sucked on my clit.

I fell off the edge, nerve endings exploding like fireworks, every muscle in my body tense with the release, shaking uncontrollably. His teeth nipped at me and I screamed, a second orgasm drowning me in sensation. Just I started to come down, he blew a gentle gust of air over me and I shuddered for a third time, barely able to drag enough oxygen into my lungs, not enough time between waves to recover. 

When he finally allowed me to settle, my entire body was limp. I pulled my tunic back down over my head, needing to see him.

He had swiftly moved away from me, standing over the bed and wiping his mouth with his sleeve, eyes wild. 

My eyes drifted down his body, and I could see the large, hard outline of his erection under his pants. 

I needed to touch him. 

He watched me warily as I pushed myself off the bed and came toward him slowly, my legs still shaky. My shirt was uncomfortably bunched above my chest, so I whipped it off over my head.

I stopped a breath away from him, peeking up at him through my eyelashes. His face was unyielding, but his eyes blazed at me, seeming to warn me off. I ignored it, and set my hand over the hardness that pressed out from the fabric of his pants, giving a rough rub along its length. His head tipped up toward the ceiling, a hiss sounding through his teeth, his Adam’s apple bobbing with a hard swallow. 

I wanted to take his cock in my mouth, tease him, feel his release. My fingers went to the fastening on his pants. 

He pushed me away. 

Confused, I started to him again, but his hands came up to brace my shoulders. I could taste the desire in the air. 

“Let me-” I started.

“No.” His tone brooked no room for argument. 

Naked in front of him, longing to touch him, bewildered at his refusal and still reeling from the impact of multiple orgasms, I felt my eyes fill with tears. Taking in a shaky breath, I nodded, still unsure what was going on.

Dropping his hands away from me, he picked up his helmet from the floor. He then gestured at the forgotten books strewn on my bed. “I have things to attend to. Take a look at those texts- you may be right, something could be of interest to me.” 

With that, he left me standing naked in the center of the room, closing and securing the door to his room behind him.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I felt several tears drip down my face. That had easily been the most pleasurable experience of my entire life, but I felt brittle and hollow. Lonely. My eyes rested on my discarded clothing scattered around the space, and I grabbed them, walking into the small half bath to put myself back together in more ways than one.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV.

Ren braced his arms on the sink, staring at his own shocked face in the mirror above. He’d been furious when he’d entered her room, sure that she had lied to him and made him out to be a fool.

He’d almost lost his nerve when he’d walked in to find her peacefully curled on her bed, hair tousled, her breathing softly puffing in the silence. But, reminding himself of the dangers of sentiment, he’d pulled her up and out of her dreams roughly, shooting straight into an interrogation before she had a chance to even think about how to twist the truth. However, the encounter did not go the way the he thought, no deception present in her mind, no memory of the texts that had been hidden in her supply trunk. 

When the white-hot rage had begun to ebb, his focus had been pulled to the soft swell of her breasts beneath her shirt and her warm, sleepy smell. He’d felt her pulse racing through the fabric of his gloves, watched her pupils dilate with pleasure- and he’d been unable to help himself. 

It had only taken a simple touch to have her wet and ready for him, her body responding so sweetly to pain; more than he’d ever dreamed of as a younger man. The intensity of desire had been so unexpected he’d needed the mask on to maintain control, to keep some distance between them. But when he heard her calling his name out, over and over, lost in the pleasure, he’d needed his mouth on her, wanted the intimacy of his face buried in her when he finally allowed her release. 

Sex had always been transactional for him in the past, in that he both paid for it and the act itself was without emotional meaning. He preferred to dominate the encounters, carefully modulating the amount of intimacy allowed; and never sharing a bed with the same woman twice in order to avoid and unwanted attachments. It now occurred to him that Snoke had manipulated him in the same way as Luke, discouraging connections that could be “distracting” to their ultimate plans for him. His past encounters had been shadows of the passion he felt for her. 

Rage filled him at what had been taken from him. 

When he’d watched her tentatively step towards him, her body still wrecked from the orgasms he’d given her, offering to ease his own needs, he’d wanted to accept. But he couldn’t. In that moment, all he’d wanted to do was surrender back, give control away. That he could not allow. He would not surrender, would not open himself to the influence of another person; thus, providing them opportunity to hurt him in the future. He needed to be of a single mind, at least as much as that was possible for him. 

Ren adjusted his erection in his pants, more aroused than he’d been since their time together at the Academy. He would ignore it for now. Whatever pleasure he experienced with her needed to be taken from her. She would submit, and he would control their encounters. 

She would derail him if he wasn’t careful. It was in her core nature to be loving, giving, compassionate. Ren knew a large part of him felt starved for that kind of attention, would make exceptions or allowances to maintain it. That, after all, was what aided his slide into the Dark before. 

_Her shoulders slump, defeat in the lines of her posture. “Ben, it’s impossible. I’m simply no good in combat. It just doesn’t seem to click. Master Luke is right- I’m unteachable.”_

_His hand reaches beneath her chin, drawing her eyes up to meet his. “I don’t want to hear that. You’ve made progress over the last several months.”_

_“Barely.” She mutters._

_He laughs. “No- really. You’re able to practice with a lightsaber now instead of a training saber. Your forms are improving. Besides, there’s more to being a Jedi than lightsaber dueling.”_

_“Says the guy who never loses.”_

_He brushes a tendril of hair from her face. He loves how soft her hair is, so smooth it frequently slips from whatever style she has it tucked in, giving her a soft, disheveled appearance that endears her to him even more. Her lips press in a pout, and he is distracted by their plushness, wondering how it would feel to –_

_He interrupts his wandering thoughts. They can’t. Continuing to think about it will only make it worse._

_“Let’s try it again.” He says._

_A groan emanates from her, but she nods, taking her stance and activating the lightsaber he’s built for her. Master Luke had refused to allow her to go and seek out her own kyber crystal, so he’d gone to find one for her._

_The saber she holds emanates a beautiful, soft cyan in front of him. He ignites his own, a shining a deep blue._

_“Remember,” he says, “we’re focusing on defense. All you need to do is block my strikes.”_

_She nods, and they begin. She’s not doing too badly, but he provides feedback._

_“Don’t give up too much ground.” He cautions. “Keep an eye on the terrain, you can use it to your advantage. I’m a bigger, stronger opponent. You’re trying to delay me from harming you until help arrives, or until I tire and make a mistake you can exploit.”_

_They dance around the training ring, and he starts to press a little harder, move slightly faster. She keeps up, darting around him to avoid his much longer reach. There’s a slight flush on her cheeks, and even more of her hair is escaping the pins. She’s really a lot better than she gives herself credit for; she just needs more time to learn._

_Somehow, she’s allowed him to back her into a corner, and she’s unable to continue to defend herself effectively. He strikes from above and her block isn’t strong enough. He breaks through her defense, their sabers locked just under her throat._

_She’s breathing hard, the glow of the blades reflected in her eyes._

_He isn’t sure what overtakes him, but as they disarm, he leans over her- pushing her back against the crease of the walls. His hand is in her hair, the remaining pins scattering. Leaning down, he presses his forehead to hers. He wants her so badly. Her hand comes up to fist in his tunic._

_“Ben….” Her voice is nervous, but she’s not pushing him away._

_Part of him is screaming stop. But another, darker emotion is taking him over, drowning out all the reasons he shouldn’t be touching her. His mouth meets hers in soft, exploring brush. The gentle contact ignites something, and he deepens the kiss, sucking on her lower lip, tracing the seam of her mouth with his tongue. He drops his lightsaber, bringing his other arm around her, pressing her against his body. He hears the twin thud of her own weapon dropping to the ground, her arm coming around him._

_More. He hoists her up, her legs wrapping around his waist. Distantly he realizes he’s crushing her between his large body and the hard wall, devouring her with his mouth. He peppers kisses against the corners of her lips and moves downward, nipping at her neck._

_She gasps. “We- we can’t…”_

_He sucks gently at the delicate skin of her neck and she moans._

_A noise from behind him. He doesn’t even need to look to see who’s caught them. It’s Hennix, and he’s a terrible tattletale. Before he can even think, the command is out of his mouth. “You never saw us here.”_

_“I never saw you here.” A dazed reply._

_“You were just leaving to go to your room.”_

_“I’m just leaving to go to my room.” He hears Hennix turn and exit._

_His face still in her neck, he looks up to find a horrified expression on her face. “You can mind trick **US**?” _

_Shame swamps him. He’s broken the rules, in more ways than one. His head spins- had she wanted the kiss? Her mouth is red, and he sees small spots of bruising on her neck._

_He can’t lose her._

_Surrendering himself to her judgement, he lets her slide down to stand and sinks to his knees before her, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have forced myself on you, and then I was afraid Hennix would say something and we’d be separated- for good.”_

_He feels her surprise. “You didn’t force yourself on me. I- I feel it, too.” He looks up at her face- she’s blushing crimson. “But- desire….” Her throat works in hard swallow. “Passion.”_

_He tightens his arms around her. “I need you. I’ll take you whatever way I can have you.”_

_“Possession.” She finishes. “We’re in murky waters, here. Perhaps- perhaps it would be best if I left. I’m distracting you from your own training, and I don’t want to be responsible for- tempting you.”_

_Panic chokes him. He needs to bind her to him, make sure she won’t leave. Part of him understands her concern. The effect she has on him is mixed, and he knows she feels the conflict within him._

_“I know you’ve sensed it in me. The dark. But you – you make me better. I’m patient with you, calmer when you’re near. You’re my Light.” He knows what he speaks is true, but it’s also meant to manipulate, so the words feel like ash in his mouth._

_He doesn’t care. He needs her. He sees that his words have impact, her eyes sad and worried._

_“But the code says-“ She begins, her own conflict clear. But he knows he has her, can sense her longing to be with him. She’s always been terrible at hiding her thoughts from him, and threads of them- desire for a family, her physical craving to be near him, her wish that they would never be apart._

_Standing, he takes her face in his hands. “Be with me.”_

_Her breath catches, eyes widening. “Always.”_

Ren straightened, settling the helmet back over his head. She had lied. Maybe not today, but on that day, long ago. She had disappeared, made him grieve her loss when she had been there the whole time. 

This new relationship would be a different type of binding. This morning already proved her susceptible to those things she’d once cautioned him against. 

Desire. 

Passion. 

Possession. 

He would use them like a weapon to guide her to the Dark, and she would be his.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV. The gang is headed on a run to fetch a badly needed regulator for Leia's ship.

“Corellia it is.” Poe said, swinging into the pilot’s chair of the Falcon.

Chewie let out a whine from next to him.

“Nah, buddy, it’ll be fun.” Poe replied as he ran a system check on the Falcon. “Besides, we need to take the old rust bucket out for a spin, test out the repairs.”

Chuffing softly, Chewbacca shook his head.

“Rose is coming with us.” He offered. 

His furry co-pilot brightened at the news. Chewbacca and Rose has grown close since the aftermath of Crait; once Rose had healed from her injuries she had headed up a team of engineers and was one of the only reasons the decimated Resistance fleet was still space-worthy. Poe often saw Chewie in the hangar bay with her, arguing about the best way to jury-rig an X-wing repair, using a hilarious combination of pointed gestures and flailing arms as Rose struggled to understand him. 

Even Leia had remarked on it a time or two, sharing a funny story about how Han had wanted the repairs to be “fast, easy, and cheap”, while his co-pilot had wanted to take the time to “do it the right way.” Rose seemed to take over Han’s part of the argument more often than not, as the Resistance ability to procure any parts was strangled by the First Order’s domination of the galaxy. 

Which is why when Rose had said she needed a new regulator for Leia’s ship, he knew she meant business. 

Finn walked in, resting his arm on Poe’s seat. “What are the chances we’ll be able to find what we need?”

“Pretty good. Rose said the _Tantive IV_ was built by the Corellian Engineering Corporation. We’ll need to hit the Pit.”

Chewbacca let out a mournful howl. 

“I know, I know. We’ll come out smelling like garbage, but that’s just the way it’s got to be.”

“The Pit?” Finn asked.

“It’s a junkyard located in the Blue Sector, just outside of Coronet. It also tends to have significant ‘organic drop-offs’, so we aren’t leaving smelling like daisies.”

“Great.” Finn said sarcastically. “Cause there’s not going to be anyone there who would sell us out to the First Order for some cash.”

“Plus, Coronet has one of the most heavily patrolled spaceports.” Rose added, swinging inside and taking a seat behind Chewbacca. 

“And there’s no other way?” Finn asked. 

“No, the regulator is an extremely old part, and none of the newer ones will work. Since Poe’s contact didn’t pan out, we’ll just have to risk it.” Rose said.

Finn sighed. “Is there any good news about this supply run?”

“The sector we’re headed into is mostly for off-worlders, and much less carefully patrolled. It’s basically a smugglers den- cantinas, casinos, fleeces. We’re going to come in at night using the freight lane and a bogus transponder signal.” Poe readied the ship for take-off. “In and out, real smooth.”

“Because that’s been the case with anything we’ve ever done.” Finn said doubtfully. “This sounds like a needle in a very smelly, large haystack.”

“Any of the old blockade runners should have a regulator that will work.” Rose said. 

“If they haven’t already been stripped for parts.” Finn countered. 

Chewbacca spoke up.

“Chewie says the Pit has sectors of a sort - we should be able to find one that has older ship models and go from there.” Poe said. 

“Hey!” Rose leaned excitedly to clasp Chewie’s shoulder. “I understood that!” 

Chewbacca roared happily, placing his large furry hand over Rose’s. 

“Now both of you can understand him?” Finn asked incredulously. 

Rose laughed. “Don’t feel bad, Finn. Shriiwookie is difficult.”

“Last chance to leave the party.” Poe said, glancing at Rose. “The navcomputer is plotting us a route that avoids the primary hyperlanes, so we might be gone awhile.”

Rose grinned, settling into her chair. “All set.” 

Poe guided the Falcon through the atmosphere and out into the expanse of space.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've spent most of the day locked in your quarters, looking at the Jedi texts.

I sat at the cramped desk in my quarters, poring over the texts. My back and neck were stiff, eyes dry. The books were in such a dizzying mix of languages that I hadn’t managed to get as far as I’d hoped. Even worse, I hadn’t been able to find anything that might interest Ben. 

I rested my head on my hands atop the small surface. Before, Ben and I would have done this together, every piece of new information uncovered interesting to him. Was he still curious, or had that also been stripped away like so many other things? 

It was clear from this morning that whatever parts of him remaining were buried deep. There were surface similarities- my Ben had also been passionate, quick to anger, always ready to believe the worst. But the experience this morning, however pleasurable it had been, didn’t carry the same tenderness he’d once had for me. Looking back, I’d never felt farther away from him- despite the fact that had been the most physically intimate we’d ever been. 

My Ben wouldn’t have left me standing naked and crying in the middle of the room as he walked away and locked the door behind him. 

My chest ached with grief. I had underestimated how difficult this was really going to be, as I couldn’t help but expect him to act as his old self; meaning that when he didn’t I was that much more upset. 

To top it all off, he had seemed to forget about me entirely for the day. Both doors were locked, and I had zero access to any communication- unsurprising, but I was helpless to meet my own needs. I was hungry. Agreeing, my stomach growled. 

Sitting back up, I stretched. I could also use access to a protocol droid to help translate the texts. So far, the mysterious notations tucked into them had been the most helpful. I still couldn’t believe that the _Rammahgon_ was sitting in front me. Not that I could read any of it. 

The slightly newer tomes were most helpful, two in particular appearing to be history of the Jedi and Sith, respectively; written in Aurebesh. I had a feeling they were written from memory of other, older books more than likely destroyed after the Great Jedi Purge. 

I read the familiar lines of the Jedi Code:

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

_There is no ignorance, there is knowledge._

_There is no passion, there is serenity._

_There is no chaos, there is harmony._

_There is no death, there is the Force._

Sighing, I closed it. The last day had been a failure by those standards. Plenty of emotion, passion and chaos to go around; very little peace, serenity, or harmony. I eyed the companion book, a history of the Sith. Master Luke had taught us all plenty about Jedi history, but not much about the Sith unless it directly related to a major historical event. Maybe this book would be enough to keep Ben interested. 

Hours later, absorbed in the violent and ruthless philosophy of the Sith, I was even more convinced there was no way Ben could resume teaching me. 

Conflict was the way they measured success, and I had always been pitiful; they wanted the elevation of the strong and the death of the weak. Under this law, I was done. 

I startled as the door to his room slid open. 

The mask was on again. 

“Find anything interesting?” He asked. “Or can we dispense of those relics in the trash compacter?”

“I need a protocol droid to help with the translations of the older texts.” I hedged. 

I felt his hard stare.

“There are two newer books, each quite comprehensive regarding the history of the Jedi and the Sith.” I offered.

“Let the past die.” A flat reply. 

“Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.” 

“Perhaps, but those who know it are often shackled by it.” 

“I need more time.” I pleaded. 

“You had all day. You found nothing of interest to me.”

He really might destroy them- he didn’t care. My anger spiked. “You didn’t even feed me! All day I sat in here, alone, unable to access anything outside this room. I could have done much better with adequate resources!” 

“Excuses.”

_Who is this infuriating person?_ _Where is my Ben?_ I felt hot tears forming at the edges of my eyes. I wanted him to snap out of it. 

“Ben!!!” I yelled, exasperated. “What is wrong with you?”

Realizing the potential reaction I might get, I braced for impact; positive I was about to be angrily flung against a wall.

But nothing happened. 

He’d simply walked out, leaving me locked in my room for the second time in one day. 


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV.

Ren struggled for control. The sight of her flinching away from him in anticipation of a blow had shaken him. That was new. Yesterday she’d tolerated it, then taunted him, then teased him. Those were all acceptable reactions. He didn’t want her to be afraid of him. 

_Why not?_ Her fear was his power. But that wasn’t the kind of power he wanted over her. 

He’d never seen her lose her temper. She’d never yelled at him, never yelled at _anyone_ when they were younger. She had been dedicated and determined, even in the face of Luke’s disinterest- but she’d never been mad. 

She was passionate about the books. When he’d threatened to destroy them, she’d turned that passion into anger. Anger at him. But she’d slipped backward into fear. 

_Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hatred leads to suffering, and suffering leads to wisdom. Fear is intrinsic. Prey on her fears and she will be yours._

His head was pounding, a howling sound. The constant duality of his nature was ripping him apart. The old him, the part that he’d been trying to kill for years, was protesting against his plans for her, unwilling to allow things to move forward without a fight. 

Ren tried to move through the pain, to use it to feed his anger and hate, strengthen his power, but the migraines were becoming debilitating in their intensity. He took his helmet off, pressing his palms to the side of his temples and pushing inward, trying to use the pressure to distract from the stabbing discomfort. 

He could go to her now. She had always helped before. 

Ren tried to resist the impulse. A Master and student both should show unflinching strength. He didn’t yet expect that of her, but he did of himself. To go to her now would reveal weakness, a vulnerability that later she may learn to manipulate. It was the way he had been taught. 

Or, he could let old things die. Let the relationship between them be what it would. Perhaps this was a test, a way to placate his better nature- and tests would make him stronger, provide him more power. He couldn’t continue to move forward with this raging war inside his own mind. At some point, a side would need to win, to finally wrest control. 

He moved back toward the door of her quarters, unlocking them and stepping through. Her back was turned to him, but he could tell she’d been waiting for his return to continue the argument, as she launched right back in.

“Here- in this text regarding the history of the Sith, it says that unfettered curiousity is required, that knowledge is to be craved and seized in order to see a broader view of the Force.” 

He was just cognizant enough to appreciate her use of Sith teachings to argue against his stance and get her way. 

She whirled around, glaring. “So, are you going to go against the teachings of the Dark Side?” 

“Point well made. You have permission to continue.” His reply sounded far away to his ears.

Her face transformed from a scowl into distraught concern. “You still get them. The migraines.” She hurried toward him, dropping the book thoughtlessly on the tiny desk. 

Nausea rolled over him. The lights were too bright, the scrape of his clothes against his skin too rough, his blood pounding loudly in his ears. This was a mistake, he was much too vulnerable to allow her near him right now. Ren started toward the door, ready to lock her out again, but he was having trouble focusing. 

“Oh, no you don’t- not again today.” Her hand darted around to the control pad on his side, blocking him from entering the code, and she slipped through to his quarters, scrambling away from the door. 

She couldn’t be here. He wasn’t in control. He activated his lightsaber and rounded on her.

“Get. Away.” He roared. The sound split his skull ever further. 

“No.” Her footed stomped. “You are in pain and you will let me help you.”

“This isn’t Yavin 4. We aren’t students anymore. I can take care of myself.” The words sounded petulant even to his ears.

“Of course, you can. That’s not the point.” Then, quieter, she said. “I don’t want to fight you. On this, I will. Even though we both know I’ll lose.” 

He didn’t want to fight her, either. Not right now. Ren flicked the saber off and sat on the edge of his bed, elbows braced on his knees, head in his hands. 

“Let’s be our old selves. Just for now. I promise you can go back to snarling at me in the morning.” She had perched on her knees on the floor in front of him, trying to peer up at his face. 

She had no idea what she was asking him for. To give in to that part of him, even for a moment, could very well destroy him at this point. There simply was no going back. Ever. But with her, he felt a deep ache in his chest, a need to at least pretend. Maybe only this one time. 

He lifted his pounding head and nodded slightly, meeting her kind eyes. “There’s some Symoxin in the ‘fresher.” 

“Symoxin?” Her voice was colored with shock. “How bad have they gotten? How often are you taking it?” She scooted forward between his thighs and stood on her knees, taking his face gently in her hands.

“It doesn’t matter.” He was just so tired. Ren quickly removed her hands from his face. “Don’t try to heal me. That would be – unwise.” He couldn’t predict what, precisely, she’d end up healing. The migraines seemed to operate in direct correlation with his own raging internal conflict. He didn’t need her inside his head trying to fix him. 

Sighing, she got up and headed to the refresher. He pulled his tunic and undershirt over his head, tossing them into the corner.

“Ben, this dosage…” She commented as she exited back out, trailing off at the sight of his bare torso. “Oh.” He watched her eyes dilate as she took a shuddering breath in, her lips slightly parted. 

That look. If his brain wasn’t trying to run out his ears, they would be doing something very different right now. 

“It’s fine.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.” She injected his upper arm. “We’re going to talk about this later.” 

“No, we won’t.” He kicked off his boots, moving to prop himself against the headboard so he was still upright, able to watch her.

She shocked him by climbing onto the bed and straddling him, her hands weaving into his hair to massage his scalp. 

He recalled other moments where she used to work the tension from his scalp and jaw, although back then her choice of position wouldn’t have been so bold. Despite the pain, he felt himself grow hard, images of how she would look riding his cock flashing in his mind. Ren allowed the fantasy to play out, closing his eyes. A tightness uncoiled in him as he allowed her to ease his pain. He let his head rest against the wall as she moved to his temples and jaw, gently smoothing the taunt lines of stress in his face. She had such tiny hands, always cold.

Unsure how much time had passed, he was dimly aware of her, standing next to his bed in the dark, coaxing him to move down and slip under the sheet. The drug had taken effect, blunting his awareness and leaving his world foggy. Instinctively, he reached out and pulled her in with him, tucking her into his arms. She squirmed, an unwilling captive. 

Everything felt like a dream. “Stay.” He mumbled, burying his face in the top of her head to inhale her scent. Still, she tried to wiggle away. He peppered kisses down her face, capturing her mouth gently with his, trapping her legs between his own to still her. 

She calmed, and he ended the kiss, lifting his head to look into her face. Her eyes were full of wonder, gazing up at him with adoration, tears glittering in them. Suspended in the haze of the medication, it felt like they were young again, tenderly entwined in one another. 

Tucking her head into his chest, Ren drifted off knowing he would inevitably disappoint her in the morning. 


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe, Finn, Rose, Chewie and BB-8 head out on a mission.

Poe took the Falcon on a high approach over the city of Coronet, setting the ship down in the Blue Sector, hiding among the mess of vessels that were in all sizes and states of disrepair. It was the middle of the night and the area was mostly quiet; the pilots and crew of the other ships no doubt off enjoying the seedier elements of evening entertainment. 

“All right, here’s the plan,” Poe said, darkening the ship. “Chewie will stay here. Finn, Rose- we’ll head for the Pit. BB-8 will lead us to the area most likely to have what we need.” 

Rose tossed a communicator to Chewbacca. “In case we get into trouble, you may have to mount a daring rescue.” She winked.

Chewbacca gave one loud roar in protest. 

“It won’t come to that,” Poe insisted. “But, just in case we run into some rough company…everyone got a blaster?” 

Rose and Finn nodded at him, standing up and exiting. BB-8 rolled around the cockpit door, chirping.

“I’m coming, little buddy.” He knelt down to place a hand on his robotic friend. “Ready for some action?” A series of ambivalent beeps. “You have what you need to guide us into the right area? 

An indignant squeak, and BB-8 rolled after Finn and Rose. 

Poe turned to Chewbacca, grinning and holstering his blaster. “Back soon.”

================================================================

The Blue Sector was teeming with life, people stumbling in and out of cantinas and brothels, drunk and disorderly. Sticking to the shadows, they wound through the masses, headed to the outskirts, the droid leading them down twists of dimly lit alleys, the sounds of revelry fading behind them. 

Rose gagged. “I think we’re getting close.” 

“Chewie wasn’t kidding. The smell alone could knock you out,” Finn said.

BB-8 rolled along swiftly in front of them, turning sharply as a large, dilapidated fence came into view. Running alongside the barrier, BB-8’s systems whirred, straining to scan the morass below as they rushed by. 

“Any luck?” Poe quietly called. 

BB-8 made a low chirp. 

Finn glanced down, frowning. “I don’t know how we’re going to find anything in that.” The blackness yawned beneath them, a few meager lights shining on piles of garbage, chemicals and mechanical refuse. “His scanners can only reach so far, and probably only cover the top layer.” 

“We should be reaching the older sections soon,” Rose said. “It doesn’t even need to be a larger ship. I can take a regulator from a smaller vessel, perhaps even an older fighter- it just needs to be from the right time period. BB-8 knows what I need.”

In what felt like an eternity of running later, BB-8 let out an excited series of beeps and stopped, his tiny light shining down into the hole. 

“Great job!” Poe praised, crouching down and pulling a pair of wire cutters from his tech belt, kicking out an opening in the fence.

Rose brought out a length of rope, tossing it to Finn. 

Securing the rope around his waist, Finn braced his legs and nodded. She slowly crept down, feet braced against the wall. Poe flattened himself on the ground, peering over the edge to watch her descent. 

Rose’s tech light clicked on, and a huge shadow played on the cluttered mess below them, the ass-end of a CR90 corvette sticking out from under the junk. Rose shimmied through a busted heat exhaust port and disappeared.

They waited nervously, now and again hearing an echo of something metallic falling. “I hate this,” Finn commented, frowning. “One of us should have gone down there with her.”

“We would’ve just gotten in the way,” Poe countered. He glanced over at Finn. “You guys seem to be doing okay.”

Finn shrugged, non-committal. “I think for the most part we’re just pretending it never happened.” 

Poe sighed. “What _did_ happen? Things just got- odd between you.”

“She kissed me. Well, saved me, then kissed me.” A dark look crossed his face. “Then she almost died, and Rey….” He broke off sadly. 

“Yeah.”

Finn met his gaze. “How’re you doing, with- well, she’s with _him_. So, I suppose not well.”

“You wanna know something crazy? I saw her. Like, an image of her, on the Falcon. Laying right there in the main hold—it, maybe I’ve finally cracked, but I _knew_ she was there.” Poe pounded his hand on the concrete, frustrated.

BB-8 chirped.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, little buddy. My circuits are fried.”

Finn shook his head. “I don’t think so. Those books Rey left behind, there was something about them. And I- I felt something horrible that day, before I knew she’d died. I think that Han was right when he told Rey it was all real, all the Jedi, the Force. I don’t understand it. But your girl- she’s part of it.”

“She’s not my girl.”

Finn laughed drily. “Not for lack of trying.” 

A flicker of light from below interrupted the conversation, and Poe turned back to see Rose yank herself back out of the old ship. Waving, she picked her way through the uneven terrain of the garbage dump and tugged on the rope, warning Finn she was ready to climb up. 

Poe grabbed her hand when she got close to the edge, helping her the rest of the way.

“Ugh- let’s never do that again. I need a shower.” Rose flailed her hands, face twisting in disgust.

Loud yelling broke the relative silence of the area. 

“Shit,” Poe swore. “We’re splitting up. BB-8, take Rose back to the Falcon- a different route this time. Finn, we’ll head back the way we came.”

Rose tossed the communicator at him. “I have BB-8,” she said in explanation, taking off after the little droid who was already rolling at top speed away from the commotion. 

Poe watched them go. “Time to blend.” Swinging an arm around Finn, they stumbled together as if drunk, heading toward the cantinas. The simple rouse was effective, no one they passed giving them any more than a cursory glance. 

Winding through other revelers, Finn tugged Poe’s arm and hissed. “Listen.” 

“Those First Order _assholes_ have got us working triple shifts to get their precious Destroyers built,” a male Besalisk complained, his thick set body swaying. “It’s only shut down for four hours- when do they expect us to sleep?” His rotund belly vibrated as a loud burp expelled from his mouth. “Or, drink?” Three of his four hands were occupied with booze. 

His friends grumbled and nodded, all of them taking huge swigs of their respective drinks. 

“They had us installing those Tibanna gas canisters on the turbolasers for sixteen straight hours. One wrong move and we’re blasted into particles smaller than the digested foodstuffs of a space slug.” The group grunted and groused, clearly displeased with the job conditions.

Poe’s grip tightened for a moment on Finn and he sped up their progress. Through some miracle, they made back to the Falcon unmolested. 

The hatch shutting behind them, Finn started excitedly speaking. “We can blow them up. If those canisters are loaded into the turbolasers already, a targeted explosion could do a lot of damage. At the very least it will delay construction.”

Rose had walked in midway through. “Targeted explosion of what?” 

“The First Order has a shipyard of Destroyers being built right here. We overheard some disgruntled, drunk workers complaining.” Poe glanced at his two comrades. “We have an opportunity.” He started toward the cockpit. “Chewie! What do we have in terms of explosives?”

A series of loud grunts.

Finn and Rose crowded behind him in the doorway. “We’ve got explosive charges- they used them on Starkiller.” 

“How many?” Finn asked.

Chewie shook his head, letting out a few low pitch roars. 

“Not many. Maybe half a dozen.” Poe paused as Chewie continued. “That is, if they all still work.” 

Rose looked nervous. “I don’t know. Where is the shipyard? How heavily guarded? Can we get in and out in time?” 

“We won’t get another opportunity like this again,” Finn said. “We have some old First Order officer uniforms in the hold. They’re not in great shape, but it could work.” 

“Or we could knock out a couple guards,” Poe offered. “But it’s now or never. We need to move fast.” 

They all exchanged looks. This would be a blow to the First Order, and a potential morale boost to the Resistance. It could also help demonstrate to potential allies they were still capable after the disastrous defeat on Crait.

“We have to do it,” Rose finally said. 

“BB-8-- we need schematics. Think you can plug in outside and get us what we need?” Poe asked. 

An affirmative chirp. 

“Okay. Let’s do this.” 

==================================================================

Inside the shipyard, donned in a stolen grey jumpsuit, an anxious Poe allowed himself a sigh of relief as he viewed the mostly deserted expanse in front of him. No one seemed to be waiting in ambush, their presence on the planet still invisible. 

Motioning for Finn and Rose, they divided the packs explosive contents, understanding that their surroundings would not remain quiet for long. They’d decided to hit three of the Destroyers with their limited payload. It wasn’t much, but for a plan cobbled together in less than a half hour, it was pretty good.

“Remember, right on the canisters if you can,” she whispered. “Try to get one on each side of the ship, that should do the maximum amount of damage, but if you can’t, it’ll still sting.” 

“Twenty minutes,” Poe said.

They split off into opposing directions. 

Poe reached the first turbolaser easily, setting the charges quickly and slipping into the shadow of the huge ship to make his way to the next one. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a squad of Stormtroopers descend from the partially constructed ship, their boots thumping in perfect time.

_Nothing to see here. Boring grey jumpsuit, totally not a Resistance Commander about to blow up your ships, boys._

They continued their formation and pattern of security, paying him no mind. He let a slow breath out through pursed lips, his heart hammering in his chest. One more to go, then he could casually slip away and they could all get the hell off Corellia. 

Finished placing the second set of charges, he had allowed himself to relax as he headed out of the shipyard. It turned out to be a mistake. 

“Hey- you! What are you doing here? Shifts don’t start for another two hours.” The Stormtrooper said, appearing around a bend.

Poe froze. He’d play it confused. “Yeah, I got mixed up, pulling all these long shifts. I’m just headed back to try and catch a nap.”

“I’ll need to see your ID.” 

This was not going to go his way. He had no blaster. “You know, thing is, I was so messed up and tired I forgot most of my stuff.”

The trooper tightened his grip on his weapon, suspicious. “Fine. You’ll need to come with me.”

Poe was about to make a run for it when he saw her, a flicker to his left, standing barefoot, her hair loose around her face. It completely derailed his train of thought. 

“Hey!” The troopers gun was drawn, pointed at her. 

Poe realized the trooper could _see_ her. She looked around, confused, taking in her surroundings. Her attention darted between Poe and the trooper, and he watched as understanding flickered over her face. 

“You will put your weapon down,” she said.

Poe gaped as the trooper set his weapon on the ground.

“You didn’t see anything unusual.” 

“I didn’t see anything unusual,” the man parroted. 

“You will walk away now.”

The trooper turned on his heel and stalked off. 

Poe raced over to her. 

“Go.” She hissed.

“What-” he started.

“No time. I’m not even here, really. Or at least I think I’m not. I don’t know. Just _go_.”

He didn’t want to leave her, or whatever this was- he needed to know she was okay, wanted to understand why this was happening a second time. But he heard more troop movements behind him. 

“Find me again,” Poe whispered to her, and ran.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have an encounter with Hux. Kylo Ren is not a nice man.

My eyes flew open- had it been a dream this time or something else? Anxiously, I waited to see if Ben had picked up on anything, but his chest was rising and falling rhythmically under my cheek. We’d shifted over the course of the night- I remembered him tugging me over him as he rolled onto his back, and that was where I’d woken, sprawled over his broad chest, legs still tangled in his. 

I sighed, allowing myself to enjoy the moment. He was incredibly warm. We’d only slept in the same bed a few times before, and I’d forgotten how much bigger he was than me. Even lying on top of him I felt dwarfed. 

A loud series of pings emanated from the outer door of his quarters and I tensed once again, ready to bolt should someone enter unexpectedly. I did not want anyone catching me cuddling with the Supreme Leader. Ben didn’t move, totally out cold from the medication. 

The insistent chiming sounded again, over and over. I bit my lip nervously. Should I wait and hope they go away? Answer the door? 

A full minute passed, and whoever it was, they weren’t going away. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” I rolled gingerly off of the bed, irritated at the intrusion.

I smacked at the control panel, and to my surprise, the door slid open. _Shit._ I’d only meant to access the comms. 

Making matters even worse, General Hux was standing there, open-mouthed, looking not pleased at all to see I’d answered Ben’s door. I watched as he took in my disheveled appearance, his mouth twisting in displeasure. As he noted Ben’s sleeping form, something else overtook him, his eyes glinting hungrily. 

He was not to be trusted. I tried to close the door again, but he activated the sensors by shoving his foot in the space, and he walked into the darkened room. 

“So, he lets rebel scum roam freely and answer doors?” He mused, circling me. “Well, this is _most_ irregular.” A thin chuckle. “I hope you make it worth his while.”

My stomach rolled at his implication. Ben was practically unconscious, and this man was a snake. I didn’t want Hux to hurt him; sensing the waves of hatred billowing off of the General. 

As if in confirmation, he drew his blaster. “You’ll be coming with me,” he whispered. “You’ve got some information in that pretty little head that I need. If Ren won’t rip it out of you, I will. I’ll prove I was the one who did what was needed to crush the Resistance.” His hand grabbed my upper arm, gesturing with the blaster for me to exit with him. I was afraid to scream. If Ben didn’t wake up, Hux might turn on him instead. 

I tugged away from his grasp, trying to keep my struggle quiet. I didn’t think he wanted to wake Ben, so he might not shoot me. “Get off of me!” I hissed. 

A sickening crack reverberated through the room, Hux’s face filling with agony as he dropped the blaster from his broken hand. The hairs on my neck stood on end.

“General Hux,” Ben said from behind me. “To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure?”

On the floor, he cradled his hand to his chest. “Ren, you undisciplined beast- “

Hux was cut off as his body flew through the room, slamming into the wall, his face red.

“You were saying, General?” 

Hux struggled to speak, words squeaking out. “Attack. Corellia. The shipyards... Falcon escaped.”

I felt the blood drain from my face. Not a dream. I’d seen the Destroyers in the background, the trooper, Poe’s lack of weapon and grey jumpsuit falling into place. I was there. I had been there, just moments ago. 

Relief washed over me. They’d succeeded. Succeeded and escaped. 

“Thank you,” Ben interrupted. Hux was ejected out into the hall, his pained and angry roar cut off as the door slid closed again. 

I turned to him, ready to apologize, but his face froze the blood in my veins. 

Expression devoid of emotion, eyes like black pits, he snarled. “You knew.” He grabbed me around the waist and effortlessly dragged me toward an unused door, throwing me into the adjoining room so hard that I couldn’t catch myself. I landed painfully on my hip. 

He was still shirtless, his hair wild around his face, and I could sense he was still numbed by the effects of the drug I’d administered only hours before. Angry and drugged. I scrambled back, hitting a wall, unable to avoid thinking about my father when he’d been in one of his moods, high and chaotic. 

I registered where he’d taken me and my fear intensified to a scream inside me. I was in an interrogation room. Ben had an interrogation room attached to his quarters. 

_No. Kylo does. We aren’t dealing with Ben anymore. Or Ren. This is something different._

I shook. “Ben— “ 

“No. I’m through listening to your lies. I _felt_ your relief.” 

Devastation burned in my throat. I didn’t want him to hurt me- not this way. The person who I left in that bed before I foolishly answered the door wouldn’t do that to me. But I was not going to have a choice. We were in unfamiliar territory. 

He grabbed me and swung me up to standing, using the momentum to fling me back into the interrogation chair, the wrist and ankle shackles clicking closed ominously. “You will tell me _everything_.” Large hands were braced on the metal to either side of my head, his hair falling to shadow his face, his breath coming in heavy pants. 

Here it was, the monster I’d been truly afraid to meet. I wasn’t giving my secrets up- not to this. I strained up against the shackles, pressing my face close to him, unsure what had taken me over as I spat my reply. “Make me.” 

I could be angry, too. It flowed through my body like molten lava, my cheeks flushed and burning with the adrenaline. I would not betray my friends. 

He crashed into my mind with brutal force and I screamed, the pain slicing. _I’m not any match for this._

“Correct,” he snapped out, his hand hovering near my temple.

A quick series of memories flashed in my mind’s eye as he rifled through them, searching. I could tell when he hit my thoughts of Poe, a jealous snarl emanating from him.

I didn’t want him knowing any of my private feelings for the pilot. “GET **OUT**!!” I yelled. He was coming too close to the present and I didn’t want him to see _how_ I’d known, as I didn’t yet understand the past two events with Poe.

Never had I been so full of rage, white stars flashing in my vision, body vibrating. I _pushed_ , his progress stuttering. I imagined a door- huge, glinting metal, thick and impenetrable. 

I slammed the door on him with a guttural scream, my throat raw. “ ** _STAY OUT OF MY HEAD_**!!”

Dragging in oxygen, my chest burned. I _hated_ him. I’d been forced to hide for years, denying my nature, unable to help anyone, because of him. Without friends, without family, abandoned on Yavin 4 next to the burning wreckage of the only home I’d ever had and likely ever would. Abandoned by him. Wrapping the hate around me, I waited for the next onslaught. Abandoned by everyone. 

But all I heard was a low chuckle. “Excellent.” His hands buried into my hair, tilting me up to meet his eyes, full of satisfaction. 

My vision started to clear and rational thought returned. I’d used my anger. Used it and it had _worked_. The chemicals were still buzzing inside me, the giant door inside my mind still there, none of my thoughts leaking out for him to pluck out of the air unexpectedly. Protection. Keeping my secrets safe inside me. 

_You’ve never been able to best him until now._ A voice cooed. _Look how pleased he is with you._

He _was_ pleased with me, his whole demeanor changed, dark eyes filled with interest. The shackles that had held me were open, and he was smoothing his hands down my arms, taking my hands in his own as I shakily stepped out of the interrogation chair. 

_It is easy to hate and difficult to love. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are easy to get._ Master Luke’s voice echoed in my mind, reciting the words of the old Masters.

I’d loved Ben. I didn’t want to hate him. Not even this version of him. Could I _love_ this version? It certainly seemed like a difficult thing to achieve, hatred an easier path to take. The past two days I’d felt many things: tenderness, irritation, confusion, passion, lust, kindness, relief, sadness, grief. Sometimes all at once, sometimes one at a time, or so tangled I didn’t have the ability to name them. 

He took my chin in his hand. “Your training begins tomorrow.”

_You have no idea what you’re getting into. You don’t know him._ Poe’s warning played in my head. 

I should have listened. 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia POV

Leia sat in the conference room of the _Tantive IV_ , listening to Lieutenant Connix’s report on the status of their meager fleet and the updates regarding the Resistance cells scattered over the galaxy. It was disheartening, as the First Order continued to root out their operatives and crush the small footholds they’d managed to carve out. Once again, the galaxy was losing hope, and recruitment efforts had an abysmal return. 

“General?” Connix gently asked.

Leia realized she’d been silent, lost in her thoughts. “My apologies, Lieutenant. You’ve done admirable work trying to keep our active cells on the move and one step ahead of the First Order. Their extensive resources are difficult to circumvent, but you continue to find the way.”

“Thank you. I am concerned about our recruitment efforts. We need more pilots. There was an opportunity for one of the cells to acquire some older model ships, but we had to hold off. We didn’t have anyone to pilot them.” 

Leia turned to Maz, who had been quietly listening in the seat next to her. “Ideas?”

“Kimiji. I know we’ve been avoiding it due to the strong First Order presence, but I think there’s promise there of more allies. The people are angry, their children taken from them to be brainwashed into First Order soldiers. We may be reaching a tipping point where their anger overrides their fear.”

She considered this. “I think you may be right. But I don’t want to go in just yet.” Leia’s joints ached, her body heavy with fatigue. The weight of responsibility had seemed harder to bear these past months.

Connix shifted subtly, trying to hide her irritation. “What are your orders, General?”

“Stay the course. For now.”

Connix nodded respectfully and left.

“They’re getting restless,” Maz noted.

“I know,” Leia sighed. “I have to admit, I’m running out of ideas. I hesitate to recruit more until we have a better idea of how we might strike next. And I’ve – sensed something. It’s given me pause.”

Maz nodded slowly. “Yes. A shift in the Force.”

"It’s not in our favor,” she pressed her fingers to her temple. “I think it has something to do with Ben.”

“And the young woman,” Maz removed her goggles, her eyes crinkling. “What she did for Commander Dameron was incredible. But I can’t help feeling there was something not quite right in the way it was done.”

Leia sighed. “I should have argued more with her. Tried to keep her with us for a while longer. From the little she shared with me, Luke was indifferent to her. Ben taught her. That scares me.”

“She’d been hiding from him for a long time. It appears she knew to be afraid,” Maz offered.

Leia shook her head. “She wasn’t afraid of him. I sensed nerves, anxiety, but never fear.”

“Some part of her still trusts him.” 

“I’ve seen how that ends. Twice now.” Leia met her friend’s wise and kind eyes. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

“What do you know of her?” 

“Competent. Smart. Distant. Quiet. Kind.” Leia tilted her head, considering. “Commander Dameron was interested in her. He still is.”

Maz chuckled. “That flyboy may be reckless, but he has a good sense of people. It may be that she’s going to have to face a trial. We can hope that she’ll pass it.”

Leia pushed herself up from the table unsteadily. “Yes, we can hope.” 

Maz approached her, taking one of her hands gently in hers. “Rest. We’ve got it.”

Squeezing Maz’s hand in gratitude, Leia slipped into her quarters to rest. 

=========================================================

Leia woke to C-3P0’s excited chatter.

“Oh, General, the most exciting news. The Falcon has returned, and they disrupted the construction of several Destroyers on Corellia. Everyone is rejoicing.” R2D2 rolled in behind him, squeaking and beeping.

Gingerly sitting up at the edge of the bed, she gave a wry grin. “Leave it to Poe to turn a simple errand into a sabotaging operation.” 

“Commander Dameron would so like to speak to you, General. At first I had insisted that you were resting, but when the news of their exploits reached me I didn’t want to wait another second.”

“That’s fine, Threepio. Tell the Commander I’ll be out in a moment.” 

Both droids exited down the hall, happily chatting about the recent excitement. Leia stretched gently, reaching for her shawl on the chair beside her. She was always cold lately. Trying not to think about the pain, she made her way out of her quarters.

“I hear you can’t stay out of trouble,” Leia greeted Poe as she glided into the conference room. 

“It was too good of an opportunity to pass up, General.”

“Indeed. Tell me.”

Poe relayed the serendipitous events that led them to learning of the shipyard and its contents, the good news they’d also obtained the regulator for her ship, and that word had already spread the Resistance had made a significant dent in the roll out of the First Orders new fleet.

“This is all wonderful, Commander. I’m most pleased that you all made it out safely. You took a big risk, but it paid off.”

“Thank you, General,” Poe said.

Leia watched him pace, sensing there was something else on his mind that he was having trouble bringing up.

“You’re going to wear a hole in the floor. It’s an old ship,” she teased.

Poe stopped, his hand raking through his hair. “Something- odd happened. Twice now. I think it’s—Jedi stuff.”

Her ears perked up. 

“She’s appeared to me twice now,” he finally said.

“Appeared to you? How?” Leia had been sure Poe wasn’t Force sensitive.

“She’s like a projection. Not quite there, but – somehow also still there. I’m not explaining this well. I don’t understand these things.”

“You’re doing just fine,” Leia encouraged. 

“The first time it was on the Falcon, and she didn’t speak to me. I thought I was imagining things, but something told me I wasn’t. But the second time was on Corellia. I was in trouble,” he winced. “I didn’t tell anyone else, but I almost ended up detained. That’s when it happened again. She did some mind thing to the trooper and told me to go. I don’t think she knew what was happening, either.”

Leia was dumbstruck. She’d never heard of someone projecting themselves in that way involuntarily across such distance. Luke had projected to save them on Crait, and it had cost him his life. 

“I’ll admit, that is unusual, even for ‘Jedi stuff.’” Perhaps, when she’d healed Poe, something else had happened.

“I asked her to try and find me again,” he admitted.

Leia nodded. “You’ll need to use caution, but this could be a way to keep an eye on her without the involvement of the mole. How did she seem?”

Poe shook his head. “Her feet were bare, she appeared a little rumpled,” he paused, considering. “There was a bruise on her cheek. Other than that, she seemed okay.” 

“Well, that’s good news.” She met Poe’s worried gaze. “Thank you for telling me. Please keep me updated if you should see her again; I’ve been concerned. And I’m sorry I don’t have more answers for you.”

“I don’t deal well with all the mumbo-jumbo.” His hand waved around in the air above him.

“Right. Mumbo-jumbo,” Leia replied seriously. 

Poe had the grace to look embarrassed. “Sorry, General.”

“No, no. I was just teasing,” she smiled at Poe. “I’m glad you are all safely back with us.”

“Me too. I’m going to see if Rose needs a hand with the repairs- unless you had more questions?”

“No, thank you, Commander. Dismissed.”

Leia watched as he departed. _Mumbo-jumbo._ Her chest ached, the memories of Han bittersweet, Poe never failing to remind her of her late husband. 

_Hokey religions and ancient weapons, indeed, you old scoundrel._

As if in response, she heard his voice, clear as the day he’d said it:

_You like me because I’m a scoundrel. There aren’t enough scoundrels in your life._

Leia allowed the hot tears to roll down her cheeks. 


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV.

Ren and his Knights charged down the corridors of the Steadfast, a dark brigade of masks and robes, those in their way flinching as they passed. He ignored all of them, intent on how they might deal with the unfortunate issue on Corellia. 

All of his officers were already seated around the table of the High Command conference room when he entered. They all looked terrified. Good. They should be. His Knights lined the sides of the wall, three on each side, weapons held at the ready in front of them. 

“This is- ah- not customary, Sir,” General Engell choked out, gesturing timidly at the Knights.

“They are my most loyal of servants.” He paused for effect. “And apparently, the rest of you have been- less than. We have a spy in our ranks.” They all looked appalled, eyes darting around at each other. Only Pryde seemed unaffected by the information. As he should, since he was the one who informed Ren of the problem. 

“A- a spy?!” General Engell exclaimed, and Ren felt true shock from the man. “Who in their right mind would seek to go against you, Supreme Leader?”

“Who indeed,” Ren mused. 

“We will root them out, Sir,” Pryde replied confidently. “When we do, I trust you will deal with them in your – customary way.” 

He nodded in agreement, amused that his top General seemed to get a thrill from imagining what horrors may befall the traitor.

“That’s not why I’ve assembled you today,” Ren said. “The attack on Corellia.” He let his attention rest on each one of them, taking his time. “Who do I have to blame for that?” 

General Parnadee took a steadying breath, her face ashen. “That would be my failure, Supreme Leader.” No excuses tumbled from her lips. He rather enjoyed her enthusiasm in the past, and she had been an integral part of the recruitment process after Phasma’s passing. 

“I appreciate your candor, General.” He moved to stand directly behind her chair and she stiffened, but didn’t try to flee. Of all the High Command, he really did like her. “See that it doesn’t happen again.” 

The entire room seemed to sag with relief as he continued circling the table. “Ideas on a response to this inconvenience?” 

“We’re hiring more workers- slightly slower than before, as we’ve increased the vetting process. We should be able to get back on schedule with minimal delays,” Parnadee replied. “We have visual of the Falcon- they came in at night, using a false transponder signal. They entered in the Blue Sector, an area we have not had high presence in due to the high criminal element. We falsely believed that the Resistance would avoid it, as plenty there would be happy to turn a rebel over for a few spare credits.” 

“They were there for less than four hours,” Engell piped up. 

“Too quick for anyone to have recognized them, apparently,” Hux added.

“I think this requires a response of some force,” Pryde offered. “A mighty show of power.”

Parnadee nodded, excited. “A message that even the presence of a rebel is enough to get you killed, even if you aren’t aware of it.”

Ren was pleased with the conversation. The dynamic of the Council had improved since he’d dispatched Quinn. “What’s the status of the axial superlaser?” 

“I can have it operational within two weeks,” Pryde replied. 

“There are four other planets in the Corellian system. Negligible, really. But they are all inhabited,” Engell supplied.

Ren waved a hand dismissively. “Pick whichever one you think will have the most – visceral impact.” 

“Yes, Supreme Leader. I will see to it personally,” Pryde said. “Would you like to be informed before we strike?”

“No. Send a report. Choose your time wisely. This will be just as much about the psychological impact as the destruction of a planet. We need to crush their hope.” 

“Brilliant, Sir.” Parnadee’s expression was bloodthirsty. 

Hux’s face was pinched. “I’d like to bring up a concern. Unrelated to the present agenda item.”

Ren noted that Hux had his broken hand hidden.

“General Hux, we have spoken – “ Pryde began.

“It’s the girl. In your quarters,” Hux rushed out.

Everyone held their breath, eyes pinned to the glossy shine of the black surface of the table. 

“I wasn’t aware my personal life was an agenda item on the High Council’s mind.” An array of responses tumbled over each other.

“No, Sir,” Pryde stated.

“Absolutely not.” Engell was shaking his head, appalled. 

“Everyone needs a private life,” Parnadee quipped. 

“However, perhaps some reassurance is required. I know how much you love order and protocol, Armitage.” Ren braced his hands on the head of the table, training his focus on Hux. “What was it you were so curious about that it warranted mentioning here, against the orders of your superior officers?”

“She’s a Resistance member. Her gallivanting around the ship is a security risk. Now, with this mention of a _spy_ ,” he spat the last word out, disgusted. 

“I can assure you, General, I have her well in hand. In fact, her training begins tomorrow.” 

Everyone in the room straightened, his Knights included, interest piqued. 

“Training, Sir?” Parnadee inquired carefully.

“She has some talent with the Force. After the death of our previous Supreme Leader, I thought it wise to take an apprentice.” They all continued to be under the impression that Rey had murdered Snoke and turned the guards against him before he’d killed her. A convenient lie. 

“The scavenger…” Hux stammered.

“The scavenger had been found first by the Resistance and trained under Luke Skywalker. Our current guest is yet to be molded,” Ren countered. 

“A most wise endeavor,” Pryde said, smiling. “We are at your disposal, as always. My apologies for the intrusion into your private affairs.” 

Slowly, Hux’s body lifted from his chair. He began to gargle and thrash. Ren straightened, suspending him until he was level with the mask. 

“I trust, Armitage, that I answered your question to your satisfaction?” 

A frantic nod. 

Ren purposefully dropped Hux so that his broken hand would take the impact. “Excellent.” He turned back to the rest of the Council. “I trust you will all be performing to your highest ability.” 

Murmurs of affirmation sounded around the table as Ren and his Knights took their leave. 


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training Day One.

The training room was enormous, with high ceilings and an expanse of mock terrain, mostly mimicking uneven rock formations. Ropes hung from the ceilings, random divots in the walls creating opportunities to climb up to the suspended second and third levels, mostly metal gangplanks. Racks of weapons were scattered around the ground floor. I could hear my heartbeat accelerating in my chest, concern swamping me. 

He had said very little to me before now, a droid having woke me to bring me breakfast and the simple black outfit I now wore. I was unsure where he’d been, but he appeared once I was ready, looking every inch the Supreme Leader towering in my doorway. 

Ben tossed a Beskar staff at me, the long weapon thumping at my feet. It had been a long time since I’d used anything like it. I bent to pick it up, the feel of the cool metal and weight of the staff foreign in my hands. I wanted to ask for a training saber, something more familiar to me that utilized less handwork, required less skill- but I stayed silent. 

He shrugged his cape off, igniting his lightsaber. “Begin.” 

That was all the warning I got before he advanced on me. I lost count of the number of times I fell, how many times he knocked my weapon from my hands, how many times he Force pushed me into a wall or an obstacle. His taunts were vicious. 

“Pathetic.” Tripping backward in front of him, I caught myself with my elbow, the red glow of his weapon so close to my neck it was singeing the soft hairs there.

“Inadequete.” I failed to guard myself from his Force attack, the shove blasting me off my feet. 

“Worthless.” He broke through my guard for the umpteenth time, my staff trapped against my own throat, choking me.

“A child could do better.” Purposefully, he allowed his blade to cut through my sleeve, pain bursting as my skin burned. 

I had no center, his attacks so swift and brutal there was no time for conscious thought, and I was clambering weakly around the room like a scared animal, desperate to escape. But he just kept coming, relentlessly, tirelessly. More machine than man. No wonder people cowered in fear when he walked by; I’d known he was powerful, but hearing about it and experiencing it firsthand were two wildly different things. 

I hopped up onto the false rocky incline clumsily- attempting to find some high ground that would mitigate the strength of his blows coming down on me, but I was trying to navigate the area backwards and it only served to slow me down. 

The mask gave him yet another advantage, as I was unable to read his intent through facial cues or eye gaze. I knew I was giving myself away constantly. 

_I just want to die here._ A scared, sad part of me whispered, despairing. I had been lonely for so long, and here he was in front of me, just out of reach. It felt like my lungs were collapsing. I just wanted _him_ , my confidante, my teacher, my best friend. 

_Remember yesterday?_ The other voice was back, coaxing and shadowy. _Impress him. Please him._

To please him I’d need a repeat performance of the interrogation room. Could I utilize some of those darker emotions without completely giving in? Hadn’t I come here for the opposite reason- to show him that there could be a different way? The way he had treated me…

_It’s not his fault. So many people failed him._ The comment felt compassionate, yet-

_Don’t overthink it. Be the person who stays, who doesn’t let him down. The others tried to save him, made him feel like he wasn’t good enough. You know what you have to do to reach him._

I did know. I stoked the frustration buried inside the sadness, the anger at Master Luke for failing me, and then failing Ben- resentment at Han and Leia who had been afraid of their young son and sent him away; too wrapped up in their own issues to even visit. Fury at my own parents, drugged out, leaving me to care for myself; eventually leaving me altogether after a party went sour, shot for the meager stash they had on them. 

Erupting like a volcano, I heard myself scream as I went on the offensive, my muscles shaking from the effort of blocking his crushing blows. He was far stronger than me, but I raged forward, chaotic, pressing the small advantage of the higher ground. My swings were wild, utilizing the longer staff to drive him away, providing coverage from his longer reach.

“Better,” he commented.

The flat comment only stoked my fury onward. I reached out, harnessing the Force to knock him off his feet to the ground level, leaping on top of him and pushing the staff down with all my might against his blade, trying to press it close to his body.

I wasn’t strong enough, and he flipped me easily, straddling my hips and towering over me to collapse my defense, the crossguard of his blade at my throat, blade sizzling near my ear. 

“Bold,” he said, masked face cocked slightly to the side. “Foolish, but bold.”

I snarled, trying to buck him off of me. I knew there was a trick to break his hold, but I was afraid to try it with the crackle of his lightsaber so close. 

“Lesson one. You are unlikely to overpower a larger opponent in close proximity with force. You’re small.” With a whoosh, his saber closed, but he remained on me. “You took me by surprise - that was useful. You can best an opponent through shock and deception.”

Panting, muscles feeling like cooked noodles, I nodded. The short burst of adrenaline and rage was wearing off, and I was starting to shake. He removed the staff from my grasp, a gloved hand smoothing the hair that had come loose from my face, cupping my cheek.

Horrified, I realized I was about to start crying. I tried to turn away from him, but he stopped me.

“You’re crashing,” he said, the metallic voice soft. “It’s normal the first few times. You aren’t used to managing your- darker impulses.”

I dimly thought he’d probably felt like this, long ago. 

“I did.” 

“What- what did you do?” My teeth were chattering. The unspoken, true question lay beneath it- _who took care of you?_

A shrug. “Immaterial. Our relationship will be different.” As if to illustrate the point, he holstered his lightsaber and moved off of me, sliding his arms under my shoulders and legs, easily picking me up as he stood. I grabbed at him, shocked. I’d never been carried before. 

As if it were the most natural thing in the universe, he strode through the twisting halls of the _Steadfast_ , ignoring the crewers and officers diving to huddle against the walls out of his way. I peered over his shoulder, meeting a lot of confused stares. 

My head spun. The level of inconsistency and unpredictability in his behaviors was staggering. I couldn’t tell if he was doing it on purpose to manipulate me, or whether this was simply a manifestation of the division within him. At least for the moment he was more Ben than Kylo Ren. I relaxed in his hold, allowing my head to rest on his shoulder. 

He set me down lightly at the door to his quarters, ushering me through and into the refresher. I stood awkwardly as I watched him take off his helmet and gloves, reaching his long arm into the shower to adjust the water temperature. Satisfied, he turned. “Strip.”

I wrapped my arms around myself, an embarrassed flush creeping through my already unsteady body. I felt shaken and vulnerable. Plus- well, I hadn’t given it much thought the other day, as things happened so quickly-but I was self-conscious. I was relatively sleight in terms of stature, but I’d always had a little extra fluff. I couldn’t believe how smoothly he’d lifted me from the floor. 

His hard stare urged me onward despite my misgivings, and I removed my clothes, stepping into the warm spray of the shower. Ben leaned back against the edge of the sink, arms crossed, watching me. Nervously I rushed through cleaning myself, feeling simultaneously uncomfortable and aroused. Wordlessly, he handed me a large towel before he exited. 

Quickly drying and seeing no sign of clean clothes anywhere in the room, I secured the towel around me and ventured forth. 

“You’ll be staying with me from now on,” he stated.

My heart hammered in my chest. I noted the larger bed, the small desk that sat next to his. The texts I’d been working on were neatly stacked on it. “I- I’m not comfortable with this.” I managed to stammer out.

“It’s my job to push you.” His dark eyes were molten. “In more ways than one.” 

I was too tired to think about the implications of his statement. My limbs felt heavy, as if I were walking through sand. He watched me with amusement as I slipped under the covers, careful to shield my naked form before pulling the towel out. “I need some clothes.” I complained.

“Do you?” Ben’s hand circled my throat. “I say what you need.” A light squeeze. “Sleep.” 

The Force command took me under. 


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe gets an unexpected visitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all- thank you so much for all the comments and kudos! :) I've only ever done academic writing and this is the first time I've ever written anything for fun.

Poe didn’t know what had woken him, but he was suddenly alert. His eyes wandered around the shabby Captain’s cabin of the Falcon, searching for anyone lurking the shadows. 

Nothing. 

Sighing, he rolled over and almost jumped out of his skin. She was _here_ , laying peacefully in his bed, her breath even, a dark sheet pulled up to her chin. Poe carefully and quietly laid on his side, facing her. 

Sometime later, her lashes fluttered and her eyes opened, her dazed eyes meeting his. Poe didn’t move, not wanting to frighten her or cause her to disappear. 

“Poe?” his name was a soft whisper, her voice husky from sleep.

He grinned, “You do show up at the most unexpected times.”

She took in her surroundings, then suddenly yanked the sheet higher on herself. “Oh! You can’t see-“

“I see you and the sheet. Why? What’s under there?” He wiggled his eyebrows.

“Scoundrel,” she teased back.

He laughed. “I’m not the one appearing in people’s bedrooms in the middle of the night with nothing but a sheet on.”

Her answering flush was the cutest thing he’d ever seen. 

Suddenly, he grew concerned, the seriousness of her situation breaking into his consciousness. “Where are they keeping you? Are you hurt? What has he done to you?” 

She shifted uncomfortably. “It’s—complicated. I’m on the _Steadfast_. I’m not hurt.” 

Poe watched her adjust the covering, tucking it up and under her arms and wrapping it securely around her, sitting up. Her hair fell softly around her bare shoulders.

“Complicated?” he asked. Hesitantly, he reached out, but his hand floated right through her.

A hum sounded from her as she watched his hand. “That’s curious.” 

Poe sat up to face her, trying to ignore the strange tingle on his skin from where it had passed through her. “What’s complicated. And what is that burn on your arm.”

She seemed to struggle to find the words, her hand instinctively coming up to cover the mark he’d referenced. 

“Leia told me that you and her son were- close,” he offered, hoping that would ease her into explaining. Poe was still struggling with the concept that Kylo Ren was Ben Solo. He vaguely remembered Ben from when they were both very young, before- everything. 

“We were. More that we should have been,” she sighed. “Jedi- Jedi students, especially, are instructed to avoid attachments. No romantic entanglements. We can have relationships, but romantic relationships are harder- they lead to desire and possession. Those are roads to the Dark Side.” 

Poe tried to suppress a flare of jealousy. “And now?”

“He put me in a room adjoining his- I was never in a cell. At least, after the initial transport.” She didn’t meet his eyes, hands now twisting together uncomfortably. “Now I’m in his room.”

Poe exploded. “WHAT!?” 

“He’s not here NOW,” she intoned exasperatedly. 

“That’s not the point!” Poe yelled. “He’s got you sleeping in his room, surrounded by enemies, no way out. This is crazy. We need to get you out of there.” A sick feeling filled him. “He hasn’t –.“

“No.” She turned her face away completely. “No. Nothing like that.” 

“’Like that?’” 

“Don’t push, Dameron.” She sounded tired. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this.” 

He watched her shoulders tighten inward, the tension in her arms and hands. This wasn’t the first time he’d managed to get her to discuss personal information, but it never lasted long and he knew the signs. She was about to shut down on him. 

“Please look at me,” he said, making sure his voice was soft. 

She turned back, tears glittering in her eyes. “I can’t put you at risk. Now that he has me again, I need to stay here; trying to rescue me will only endanger the Resistance even further.”

Rage burned in his chest. “Do you _want_ to be there?” 

“Yes.” A hot tear blazed a trail down her cheek. “And no.” 

He tried to put his own feelings aside. To him, this was a simple decision- what was happening to her was wrong; she needed to be rescued. But that wasn’t what she wanted. Poe needed her to trust him, to be willing to open up to him- maybe then if she really got into trouble she would ask for help.

“Talk to me. Let me help you.” His voice was low, soothing.

She wiped the tears from her face. “He thought I knew about the attack on Corellia, which led to my first experience with the interrogation room.” 

Poe slowly breathed out, upset that what he had done caused her the same suffering he’d gone through years earlier. Kylo Ren was a monster. He still had nightmares about the crushing pressure in his head, the helplessness of someone else rooting around in his mind, unable to stop them or understand the power they were using to do it. 

“I got angry.” She scrubbed at her face. “I shouldn’t have, but it was the only thing I did that kept him out. It pleased him that I gave in to that emotion, so he dragged me into the training room today and – I had to get angry again just to hold my own for a second against him.” She motioned at the long burn on her arm. “Courtesy of the famous red lightsaber.” 

Poe was furious, his eyes stuck on the ugly red gash marring her pale skin. “I thought you said you didn’t go there to fight him?”

“I didn’t. When we were younger, Ben taught me. Luke had little interest in me. Apparently, he’s excited to take that role over again.”

“He’s – not good, not a Jedi,” Poe struggled to find words that wouldn’t alienate her, fumbling. “I don’t know a lot about all this, but you guys are on opposite sides of this thing.”

“Yes.” Her eyes closed. “I’m trying to find a middle ground. There’s something of the person I knew in there. But- seven years is a long time. He’s very different.”

Poe thought that was the understatement of the millennia. 

“I could ask Leia something, if you want,” he offered. “Hopefully, if you can talk to me again, I’d be able to give you her advice.”

“That’s sweet of you.” Her eyes opened and a smile broke across her face. “I don’t really think there’s much I could have you ask, though. This is something I need to figure out for myself.” She pulled her knees up, resting her head and hands on them, not realizing the sheet had slipped to reveal more of her pale, smooth back. “I was glad when I realized you’d all made it off the planet safely.”

“You saved me- again,” he said begrudgingly. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate it, it’s just that _he_ was supposed to be doing the saving. 

“From what I’ve heard over the years you frequently need bailing out. What was that whole thing- oh yes, ‘there are things you cannot solve by jumping in your X-wing and blowing something up,’” she parroted. 

“Yes, we’re all blessed that Connix seems to remember every criticism lobbed at me,” Poe said wryly. 

“’Get your head out of your cockpit,’” she teased again. 

“The General told me the other day that I remind her of Han.”

Her eyes widened. “That’s a high compliment.”

“I thought so. Rose disagreed.” He paused. “Did you know him?”

“Han? Not really. I think they maybe came to visit Ben once? It- it didn’t go well. Sometimes he told me stories about his parents that gave me just a glimpse of what they were like, in a good way, but-“ she broke off, sadness in her eyes. 

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” Poe was beginning to realize that all roads from her past, and even some from the present, led to Ben Solo. He didn’t like it. 

“It’s okay,” she shrugged, unperturbed. “I didn’t really meet Han or Leia back then.” She rubbed her eyes. 

“Leia is worried about you. She said you didn’t regret saving me, despite what happened.” Poe admired her sleepy eyes, their appearance soft, lids heavy.

“I don’t regret it.” She blinked a few times, fighting the fatigue. “I don’t know if I’m awake here on the _Falcon_ or asleep here and awake on the _Steadfast_. Last time I just appeared, in and out. I seem to be hanging around this time.” 

He laid back on the bed, propping himself up on his elbow. “You look tired. Sleep. I’ll watch over you until you’re gone.” 

“Thank you,” she said, gathering the sheet around herself. She laid on her side, facing him, eyes closing. “I don’t know how it is I’m doing this, or if it is even me. But I’ll try to find you again, if I can.”

It didn’t take long for her breathing to slow, her face relaxing back into sleep. Poe watched her until she disappeared. 


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find out how much the man you once knew has changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought perhaps we could all use some more smut! :)

An unknown amount of time later, I woke, blearily rubbing my eyes. The sleep-induced visits to Poe made me feel like I was living two lives at the same time. I said a prayer to whatever Gods there were listening that I’d be able to continue to hide the connection from Ben. Disoriented, I stumbled out of bed, the sudden chill on my naked body causing goosebumps to rise on my skin. I needed clothes. Noticing a set of drawers inset into the wall, I scurried over and inspected the contents. 

None of my things were in it. Still freezing, I headed to the door that led to my previous quarters. 

Locked.

I bounced up and down, rubbing my arms to try and ward off the chill. I searched the rest of the room, finding none of the smaller tunics and pants that had been left for me before. 

Sighing, I made my way back to the drawers full of his clothes, carefully examining the contents. Did the man own anything that was comfortable? 

Tucked away in the back of the bottom drawer was a worn, black sweater. I grabbed it and shoved it over my head, the hem reaching my mid-thigh. I stepped into a pair of his boxer briefs, the fabric tight around my generous hips. 

It would have to do for now. 

Without much else to occupy me, I headed to the desk and curled myself into the chair, scooting forward to continue work on the Jedi texts. Still without a protocol droid to assist with the older tomes, I continued my exploration of the Sith historical account. 

_Suffering brings strength. Suffering is a crucible of strength; physical and emotional suffering are gateways to power._

_Order is the product of power. Fear, hate and suffering properly wielded will yield perfect order unmarred by freedom or disharmony._

I pondered the second teaching. The First Order absolutely fit. Tyranny and domination over the galaxy but always in pursuit of their perfect system; the belief that the Republic and their freedoms had caused chaos and disorder and the First Order would bring lasting peace through control. 

With a buzz, the door popped open and a short service droid rolled in, a food tray balanced carefully on its head. Scurrying over to me, it expertly slipped the tray onto the desk and exited without so much as a beep. At least this time Ben hadn’t forgotten to feed me. 

I paused in my studies long enough to consume the contents of the tray, eager to continue learning. Hopefully it would give me some increased insight that would help. I flipped the page to the next rule. 

_The rule of two; one Master teaches, one Apprentice serves. The Apprentice may only gain the title of Master through the defeat of their own._

The ultimate goal was to kill your Master? Meaning, as Ben’s student it would be my end goal to murder him? I shuddered. This was unacceptable to me. We needed to talk.

As if I’d summoned him, Ben strode through the door only moments later, cape sailing behind him. He stopped abruptly at the sight of me. “I see you helped yourself to my clothing.” 

I shrugged. “I was cold.” I watched him release the mechanism on his helmet, his dark hair falling in waves to his shoulders, a shadow of stubble on his jaw. I gestured to the book in my hand. “This whole rule of two; you actually believe this?”

“I’m not a Sith.” He said, removing his cape. 

“But-“ The act of watching him slowly take the uniform of Supreme Leader off and transform into private life was shockingly intimate. 

“It’s a false dichotomy, Jedi versus Sith. Few people are ever one thing. We have dual natures.” Ben was on the bed, pulling his boots off, acting like this conversation was normal, like he always came back to me lounging in his quarters, wearing his clothes, discussing Sith belief structures. I supposed, in a way, this had been normal between us at one point. 

“We can choose.” I insisted. 

“Your way would have you denying darker aspects of yourself; I prefer to embrace them.” His forearms were braced on his knees, and he observed me with cool amber eyes. 

“I don’t want to be cruel, or merciless, or ambitious. I don’t enjoy hurting others.” I said. 

“Do you consider yourself a passionate person?” He asked.

My cheeks flushed. “Not really.”

“Why not?”

“I’m quiet. I avoid conflict.” As if physically illustrating my point, I squirmed, curling into myself in the chair. 

“Can passion only be loud?”

He was twisting my meaning. “By definition the word implies something strong or intense, out of control.” 

Ignoring my counter, he changed the direction of the conversation. “Do you ever experience anger?” 

“Sure, everyone does. But, I don’t like it.”

“So, you avoid the emotion. Deny yourself the right to feel something normal and natural.”

I was beginning to feel a little unsure of myself. “Not exactly. I acknowledge it, and then I choose to forgive or to be understanding.”

“You let people walk all over you. If you seek to aid everyone that suffers in the galaxy, you will only weaken yourself, and them,” Ben said, moving from the bed. 

He pulled his tunic over his head as he walked to the refresher, the door closing behind him. I heard the squeak and steam of the shower turning on. It was taking an alarming amount of self-control not to imagine how he looked, water sluicing down his powerful torso- I tried to refocus. 

I didn’t agree with his last point, but he’d always won arguments against me no matter the topic we were debating. In a strange reversal of roles, he managed to stay completely calm, and I would get too riled to think straight. It had been easier to submit, give in to his viewpoint back then. I smiled, remembering. Sometimes I thought he started arguments with me just to watch me disintegrate into a frustrated ball. 

It had been one of those moments that everything had changed between us. 

_I stare at Ben, wanting to scream. How am I losing this argument?_

_“It’s the second Jedi Maxim- ‘to always seek the path of right’.” I say, as if it were the most obvious thing in the galaxy._

_“Sure. But who defines ‘right’?” His arms are folded above his head, hands laced to make a pillow on the cool ground._

_I flap my arms out in exasperation. “The Code, The Creed, The Teachings and The Maxims!”_

_“So, those cover all possibilities of anything we might encounter, ever, and tell us what is right?” He smiles, eyes closed against the sunshine._

_“Well, no, but they guide.” I argue._

_“Who created them? Who’s to say that person was ‘right’ or ‘good’?”_

_“Jedi are unencumbered by bias or personal interest. Opinion is subjective, but we seek peace to find objectivity.” I restlessly fold my legs underneath me. I’m sure he can sense my rising irritation. I never win._

_“You really think anyone can ever be truly objective? That their past experiences don’t bias them?” His eyes open, catching me in the act of admiring his long form lounging on the grass. I blush and turn away._

_I chew on my lip thoughtfully, as I don’t disagree with his point. This is how he gets me. “Well, I think you can be aware of your bias, and being aware of it, you can rise above it.”_

_“But, what if you aren’t aware of it? How would you know if you weren’t?” He counters._

_“I didn’t say Jedi never make mistakes.” I mutter, my shoulders sagging. He always asks so many questions when we have these talks, and I feel like I run around in circles trying to argue my points while he unravels them._

_He laughs, his whole face transforming. “You get so annoyed. It’s adorable.”_

_I love it when he laughs. He doesn’t do it enough. “Well, you’re – you’re impossible!” I exclaim petulantly. “It wouldn’t kill you to let me win one every now again.”_

_“So, I should let you win an argument because you’re a girl?” His tone is teasing._

_“That’s not what I meant!” My mouth falls open in astonishment. “Now you’re putting words in my mouth!” I feel myself vibrate with irritation and I pounce at him, punching his arm._

_“And now you’ve resorted to physical attack.” Ben’s face is full of mischief, and he holds me off, the ease with which he does infuriating me further._

_“Oh! You- you- “ My brain has turned off and I can’t think of what I’m trying to say. “You ass!”_

_He roars with laughter. “Little one, you need to work on your insults.”_

_“I am NOT little!” I squeak. “You are just a very large person!”_

_He has me by my wrists, and I’ve been writhing around trying to free myself so I can swat him again. His gaze goes pointedly to my forearm, which is basically engulfed in his hand, and I huff._

_Unexpectedly, I’m on my back, my arms pinned over my head by one of his, his legs straddling my hips. Broad shoulders block the sun from my face._

_“I like that you’re small,” he says, face close to mine._

_“I’m short. I highly doubt I would be called small.” I say, uncomfortable how the playfulness is beginning to turn into something else. I won’t lie to myself that I haven’t thought of him…doing things to me. But it’s not right._

_His head dips so his mouth is next to my ear, his free hand wandering down to graze my breasts, my stomach, finally squeezing gently on the side of my hip._

_“I like the way you look.” The comment is a deep, baritone purr in my ear, the vibrations causing a flush to rise over my chest and face. He trails kisses from my ear over my cheekbone, ending with a gentle brush of his lips on the tip of my nose. “I probably like it too much.”_

_Our eyes are locked on each other. I’m not sure what to do or say._

_Ben continues. “I’ve felt that way for a long time.” He seems nervous. “Ever since I first saw you.”_

_I nod. “Me, too.” I break eye contact, turning my head away slightly, overwhelmed by the intensity of his gaze, his lips so close to mine._

_“So shy.” Ben teases, his lips still softly roaming my face._

_“We can’t, it isn’t right.” My behavior argues against my words as I nuzzle my face into his._

_Undeterred, he catches my gaze, one side of his mouth quirked up. “Who defines ‘right’?”_

_I know he’ll keep me here, debating the point until he wins. But I’m a little afraid, as I feel that shadow within him shift, come closer to the surface. It’s calling to me, and I give in._

_“I suppose we do.” I say, watching his eyes light with victory._

_His lips are soft on mine at first, just a gentle press. I distantly wonder if he’s kissed anyone before, recalling his sheltered upbringing. As usual, he hears my thoughts._

_“Yes.” A small nip at my bottom lip. “I was a troublemaker.” His hand moves up from my hip and cradles the back of my neck, angling me as he explores my mouth. My wrists are still trapped above me in his grip._

_His lips wander around to my jawline, down my neck, back up to kiss me again. It’s like he’s taking delicate little sips of me, and I shiver under him. Then his tongue is stroking mine, languid and lazy. My bones feel like they could melt. He rolls so that I’m on top of him, releasing my wrists but trapping my legs between his thighs, wrapping me in his long arms, still savoring me with long, slow kisses. My hands are in his dark, thick hair._

_When we finally stop kissing I feel lightheaded. Ben nudges one of his legs between mine, then the other so I’m forced to straddle him, and he sits us up. I can feel his arousal, and I instinctively roll my hips into him, gasping at the frisson of pleasure it causes me. His hands fist at my back, gripping my shirt._

_I’d been with someone, once. It pales in comparison to this, but I’m not ready to go there with him- not ready to break the rules. Desperately, I struggle back from the desire swamping me, my body begging for his, overwhelming me. I feel afraid again, but this time I’m afraid of myself._

_He tucks a stray piece of hair behind my ear, seeing my hesitation. His other hand starts to rub slow, wide circles on my back, meant to soothe rather than arouse._

_“You don’t have to be afraid. I feel it, too.” He rests his forehead against mine. “I don’t want you to think you have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, little one.”_

_This time, instead of irritation at the endearment, I’m filled with a warm glow._

I turned back to the book. What happened back then didn’t matter. It wasn’t going to help me now, and the ache that pressed inside me at the memory of his teasing, his smile- that laugh that used to transform his face, it would only make this harder. 

_An apprentice owes his Master loyalty. A Master owes his apprentice knowledge and must show only strength. Should either fail in their duties, it is the obligation of the other to destroy them._

_Passion and evil. Love and suffering. The Sith recognize the connections, the vulnerability in personal attachments, and the inevitable revenge, anger, resentment and bitterness that comes from them._

My chest hurt. This, I understood. I struggled with the anger and resentment of my parent’s betrayal, and the bitterness toward Ben and Master Luke after they’d both left me on Yavin 4. I’d only known abandonment in my close relationships. If I was being honest, it’s what I pulled on the few times I had given in to the anger, tried to use it against Ben. Those emotions weren’t as distant from me as I’d like them to be. 

Suddenly, I had the urge to flee- anywhere. Away from him. The memory of what used to be, the painful feelings of betrayal and abandonment, the cold room with the distant person who used to make me so happy. I just needed to be elsewhere. Maybe if I got out he’d be forced to put me in a cell. Any place that wasn’t here.

Quietly, I tiptoed to the doors, testing the control panels. Each one was locked, would need to be taken apart to override the codes. I could possibly do that later, but not with him in the other room. Perhaps he forgot to secure the primary door.

I’d just reached it when he caught me.

“Going somewhere?” His tone was cool, sarcastic. 

Not turning around, I spoke. “I needed some distance.” I felt my chest tighten. “I want to hide.”

“Why?”

_Because you aren’t you. Because I want to see you smile. Because this place is frigid._

“I think you’ve hidden from me long enough.” He said in response to my silence. “Perhaps a lesson is in order.” Something in his tone was raising the hairs on the back on my neck. 

I trembled, swallowing nervously. “Lesson?” 

“We have a lot of lost time to make up for. Maybe it’s best you got to know me. Know who I am now.” I felt him approach me, his body pressing against my back, a muscled arm clamping around my chest. “You eat when I say. Sleep when I tell you. Train when I order it. Serve me when I demand it.” Each sentence was punctuated by the tightening of his arm across me, until I was crushed against him.

“You are _mine_.” He whispered in my ear, sending a shock of electricity down my spine. I could feel the hard length of him against my low back. His damp hair brushed my shoulder. He smelled divine- spicy and fresh. Confusion and desire warred within me- he was rough and distant; that shouldn’t be what I wanted. I’d just remembered him so warm, happy. 

But I felt the same bone-melting arousal for this version of him as I had for who he was before. I let my head fall to the side, baring my throat to his mouth. His other arm came to press against my low belly as he rolled his pelvis into me, biting and sucking my exposed column of neck, no doubt leaving marks on my delicate skin. 

“Kneel.” His voice was strained, gravelly. His arms released me.

I shocked myself with how fast I complied, my bare knees hitting the cold hard floor with a painful thud. Something sounded on the control panel as he stepped in front of me, his body between me and the door I’d been hoping to flee through. So, he had forgotten to lock it. 

He was naked, drops of water still clinging to his skin from the shower. I lost my breath, gazing at his flat powerful stomach, the V-shape running down his pelvis to his engorged cock, it’s size causing a moment of panic. I was eager to peruse his body. He had seen me the other day, but this was the first time I’d seen him fully. I itched to run my hands over him, to dot kisses over the freckles and beauty marks on his skin, to catalogue the scars. Ben had been incredibly tall and broad as a young man, and the years had matured him even more. In another difficult admission to myself, I realized I was more attracted to his body than ever. 

I wasn’t give much time to enjoy the view as he grabbed my hair roughly and guided himself into my mouth. The head of his penis was slick with pre-cum, and I took his thick shaft into my mouth, the taut hot skin smooth against my tongue. 

He groaned as he entered my mouth. His size was problematic, my mouth small, but he pressed forward. I breathed slowly through my nose, his length filling me. I experimentally swirled my tongue in circles around him and was rewarded by a hiss of pleasure from above. I slowly raised my hand to meet his and he let me take the base of his cock in my hand, removing his hand to wind more of my hair in his grasp, both hands controlling my movements.

His hips pistoned forward, causing him to roughly hit the back of my throat. I moaned, half in protest, half in need as he held me immobile, sliding himself in and out. I tightened my grip on the base of his shaft, using it as an extension of my mouth, sucking and pumping. He tasted clean and salty. My jaw ached as his thrusts came harder. I let my teeth scrape gently along his engorged length. 

I felt the dampness between my thighs, the tightness in my scalp as he pulled on my hair, his muscles jumping as I increased my suction and pressure around him. I hummed with pleasure at each noise I drew from him, learning what received the most vocal praise from him.

A sound of surprise escaped me as he pulled out of my mouth and hauled me up to standing by my hair. He grabbed me around the waist and dragged me over to the bed in a few long strides, throwing me onto the mattress and pulling his briefs off of me. 

“I love seeing you in my clothes.” He growled, his hands gripping each one of my legs and flipping me onto my stomach. “On your knees. Ass up.”

He shoved the sweater down so it bunched at my shoulders, spread my legs and pressed down on my low back, arching my torso down into the mattress, his other hand sliding between my folds. 

“You’re dripping.” He nudged his cock against my opening. “Is this what you want?”

A strangled sob of agreement came out of me, my low belly tight, a hot pool of desire in my pelvis. He gripped at the softness on the side of my hips and shoved partway into me. I was too tight, my size impeding him.

I moaned, his girth stretching me to the point of pain. “I can’t – you’re- it’s too much.” I’d grabbed one of the pillows, my face buried in it. I felt him shift, his hand coming around and under my front to find my clit, rubbing tiny, slow circles. I squirmed, trying to find a less intense angle. 

A sharp slap sounded as his palm connecting with my right ass cheek and a shocked squeak came out of me at the unexpected sting. 

“You’ll take it all.” He insisted as he eased in further, my walls spasming in pleasure and protest. I whimpered, the pressure overwhelming. He angled my hips to press in deeper and I started to pant, sweat breaking out on my skin. Ben kept his other hand stroking in my folds, teasing the bundle of nerves there as he continued to fill me. 

Finally, I felt the head of his cock click against my cervix as his hips met my ass, his length fully inside me. I clawed at the sheets, his long teasing fingers sending shockwaves from my center, the sense of fullness from him buried in me driving all sense from my mind. 

“Ben!” His name was a keening wail. I didn’t know what I wanted. My body was straining to accommodate him, but I circled my hips, longing for more anyway.

“You belong to me.” He groaned through clenched teeth, and slapped my ass again, harder this time. “Your body is mine to do with as I please.”

“Yes.” I moaned. 

Then he started to move, each thrust long and slow, the loss and gain of his length inside me a tortured rhythm. My body had been taken over completely, and I was out of control, helpless. His movements became rougher, sharper, and I heard his panting breaths.

“Say it.” He commanded.

At first I was confused, so lost in the haze of sensations language was hard to find. All I know is I needed to give him what he wanted. Anything he wanted. 

“I belong to you.” I replied between pleasured gasps. 

He pinched my clit, sending me hurtling into an orgasm, my tight sheath convulsing to milk his cock, sending him over the edge. He roared out, his thrusts frantic as his hot seed released inside me.

I screamed into the pillow, shuddering sobs wracking me as my body came down off the final wave of pleasure. My back ached from the deep stretch he’d forced me into, and my muscles quivered from the intensity of his demands. As he pulled out of me I grimaced, incredibly sore and sensitive.

He covered my body with his, face nuzzling between my shoulder blades. “You will never hide from me again.” The command was like the crack of a whip. “You will not run.” 

I twisted beneath him, desperate to see his face. The amber brown of his eyes was shot through with yellow gold, cold and merciless. The light in the room was being sucked away into a black hole around him, darkness roiling inside his mind. He was beautiful and terrifying. 

“You will be mine in every way that exists,” he finished. 

It was in that moment, flush from pleasure, staring into his possessive gaze, that I knew I’d make a terrible mistake, and it was too late to fix it. 

I had nowhere to run, and he was going to pull me down into the Dark with him. 


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV

Poe had woken earlier than usual, unsettled by what he’d learned from her appearance in his room last night. The morning was gloomy and hushed, most everyone still asleep. But he knew one person who was always awake in the dawn-lit hours. 

“General?” Poe knocked gently on the wall of the hallway that led to her room. 

He heard a small rustling, and Leia’s door opened. “You’re up early,” she said, motioning for him to come in. 

“Tea?” Leia gestured to a small teapot in the center of a table, reaching into a recessed area in the wall for a matching cup. Elegant swirls of blue flowers graced the set, standing out from the plain bone of the porcelain, fine cracks in the aged patina. 

“Sure.” Poe settled in one of the chairs, examining her tidy quarters. She usually spoke to him in the conference room. He noted the neatly made bed, the organized stacks of books and other personal items. Despite the lack of clutter, her room had a cozy, inviting feel to it. 

She took the other chair, deftly pouring him a fragrant green tea. Poe smiled at the dainty cup and saucer in front of him. She was serving him as if they were at a State dinner, not on an Outer Rim planet, fugitives from the First Order. For a brief moment, his chest tightened, missing his mother and all that had been lost over the years. If things had gone differently-

He couldn’t allow himself to consider it. 

“I assume this has something to do with her showing up again last night?” Leia mused, setting the teapot down with soft touch.

Poe startled. How was it she always knew?

“Yeah.” He reached his hand back to scrub self-consciously at his neck. “She, um, sort of appeared.” His face twisted in discomfort. “In my bed last night,” he finished with a quick mumble.

“I see.” Leia’s face was neutral, not a trace of embarrassment at his words. 

Poe relaxed. “She’s on the _Steadfast_. Initially, Ren had her staying in an adjoining room, however-“ He paused, meeting Leia’s eyes.

“Please don’t mince words on my account.” She held his gaze.

“Now she’s in his quarters. With him. She was covered with sheet and I asked if he’d forced her in any way…I didn’t get a straight answer. At the time she appeared, she said he wasn’t in the room with her. He’d been convinced she knew about Corellia, so he interrogated her.” Poe shuddered. “She said she got angry, managed to fend him off. But that led to him dragging her into the training room yesterday- she had a burn on her arm from his weapon.”

Leia sighed. “She got angry again, to try and hold him off.”

Poe nodded, “Yes. Something about trying to find a middle ground, being convinced the person he was is still there. I told her I would talk to you, but she insisted it was something she needed to figure out on her own.” He scraped a hand over his face. “She calls him Ben.”

“It’s hard not to believe that the person you care about is still in there.” Leia admitted. “They have a lot of shared history.”

He frowned. “He- he _can’t_ train her. She’s a Jedi, and he- isn’t. Right?” 

“Anyone can be turned. Ben was a Jedi once. There is only one reason he’s taken her on, which is to turn her, and she’s already demonstrated to him she’ll use her anger against him.”

“For self-defense.” Poe insisted, feeling protective of her.

“In the beginning. She was not well-trained by Luke, so she may think that’s her only option to counteract his power. But meeting power with power – that is not the Jedi way. It’s a path to the Dark Side.” Taking a sip of her cooling tea, Leia’s face took on an expression of concern.

He felt a rising panic. “We need to get her out of there. As soon as possible.” 

Leia shook her head. “She was right about one thing. This is something she needs to figure out for herself. We can go in and try to take her from him, but it could be she would turn right back around.”

“How can you possibly know that?” Frustration rose in him. He didn’t want her there. She needed to be with him- with them, her friends. 

“Did she seem upset by her circumstances? Angry at him for injuring her? You said she didn’t give a straight answer about him forcing himself on her- was that because you didn’t like the answer she gave or because you suspect he did?” Leia’s voice was steady.

Poe considered her questions. “She said yes and no when I asked if she wanted to be there.”

“So, there continues to be a level of ambivalence there. Part of her does want to be there with him.”

“She stated why the injury was there, but wasn’t angry about it. The not straight answer was, I guess, a denial. ‘Nothing like that.’” Poe ground his teeth together, even the thought of Kylo Ren touching her enough to bring murder to the front of his mind. 

“You’re too close to this, Poe. You aren’t able to be objective.” Leia said softly.

“And you can?!” He shot back without thinking, regretting the words instantly. “I’m sorry.”

“No apology necessary. A fair point. I’ve had more time to cope with my emotions. Distance. You haven’t.” Her eyes met his. “Time is a harsh teacher.” 

The kindness in Leia’s eyes broke something inside him. “She was right there. Right there and I couldn’t touch her, or help her. She doesn’t want rescuing. How am I supposed to deal with that? Leave her there with him? Let him turn her into – into whatever it is he’s become? Do nothing?” 

“You can only provide the help that is accepted. She doesn’t want saving, at least not right now.” 

“What do I do?” Poe felt helpless. Here was a problem that he couldn’t jump into an X-wing and solve, and he was lost. 

“You listen.” Leia reached a hand out, pressing it over his. “You listen and you come talk to me about it.” 

“Like you need these problems on top of all the rest.” But he felt relief at her words. She would advise him in this, like she did with all other things. Leia always knew the right thing to do.

“I’m making it an order, Commander,” she said, squeezing his hand gently. 

“Yes, General. Listen and come talk to you about it.” Poe smiled at her. “What would we do without you?”

She patted his hand before releasing it. “You’d all do just fine,” she insisted.

Poe hoped they’d never have to find out. 


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've been training with the Knights for a week. It hasn't been going well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal ideation

Ren watched from the shadows of the high level of the training room, careful the metal scaffolding didn’t creak under his weight and give him away.

She was getting her ass handed to her. Again.

The Knights of Ren had each taken a turn sparring with her, easily besting her despite her stronger connection to the Force. Constantly on the defensive, she scrambled away from them over the mock terrain, unwilling to reach for the anger again. Unwilling to reach for anything, honestly, as she wasn’t engaging any Light side abilities, either. 

He winced as Trudgen landed a particularly punishing blow on her shoulder with the blunt end of his vibroblade. Ren would be shocked if her shoulder weren’t fractured, but she took it with only a small grunt. It had been like this for a whole week, and he was sick of the myriad of bruises covering her milky skin. More often than not he came back to the room to find her curled into a protective ball on their bed, asleep.

She was completely shutting down outside of trying to keep his Knights from grievously injuring her. This couldn’t continue. Ren was too frightened to touch her at night- there wasn’t an uninjured spot on her body, and he knew he wouldn’t use her gently; his desire for her like fire in his veins. But more than that, she was just- absent. Gone in some fundamental way. He’d tried to tease her, but he’d forgotten how. He’d thought she simply needed more time. Despite her sweetness, she was tough, would eventually grow frustrated and turn back his Knights. 

“C’mon, little Jedi, is that all you’ve got?” Cardo jeered, shooting his blaster pistol at her feet, shocking her into making a mistake and getting trapped into a corner with Trudgen bearing down on her like a metal Rancor. She caught the vibroblade with her Beskar staff, but her guard collapsed under his superior strength. 

_I told her she couldn’t win in such close quarters with a large opponent. What is she doing?_

Unlike previous occasions, this time Trudgen didn’t back off, and stood, keeping her trapped. 

“This is a waste of time,” Trudgen growled. “She’s not a fighter. I don’t know what Ren wants us to do with her weak, useless ass.” 

Cardo was circling them, twirling his blaster around a finger. Ren didn’t like the predatory movement. 

Ushar approached from the back of the room, where he’s been sparring with Vicrul. “My original offer still stands. She looks like she’d beg real pretty.” 

Ren waited, discomfort filling him as he watched her surrounded by three of his men, blood dripping from the cut on her throat. Helpless. Yet, she _wasn’t_ helpless; where was her fire? 

Ushar leaned to whisper something in her ear. Ren couldn’t hear, but her eyes widened at whatever was said. 

“Not worth it.” Kuruk said, having watched the exchange silently. “Give her a quick beating and let’s go find something else more interesting to play with- let the troopers spar with her.” 

Trudgen slowly pushed the blade deeper into her skin, more blood flowing from her neck. Ren felt his hands fisting with rage. He could see that the placement was careful, not nicking any major arteries, but he found himself wanting to murder his own Knights. Ren had instructed them to be brutal, but he was sure she’d break well before now. It was torture watching them injure her. 

After Trudgen released her, Ushar disarmed her and used her own weapon against her, connecting with her midsection and taking the air from her lungs. She collapsed, and he tossed her staff back on her, Cardo spitting at her for added humiliation.

He watched his Knights exit the training room, leaving her trembling and gasping on the floor.

All Ren wanted to do was go to her, gather her in his arms and rock her. Soothe her. Keep her safe. But that was sentiment and weakness. That would not serve her or him. 

“That was pathetic,” he said, pitching his voice to carry.

She didn’t move from the floor.

“Anyone would think you _wanted_ to lose.” Ren started his descent. He would figure out how to get under her skin, make her embrace her darker emotions. Perhaps allowing his Knights to train her had been a mistake. One he would rectify now. 

Pushing herself up to sitting, she roughly shoved the unruly hair from her eyes. “Just having some fun with your asshole friends, dear.” Her voice was sickly sweet, false smile pinching her face as she watched him walk toward her. 

He stood over her, noting the multiple bruises and cuts, old and new, covering her arms, neck and face. There was no doubt many more beneath her clothes. The cut on her neck was already starting to clot, the blood drying to a dark stain.

She’d been better at hiding her thoughts from him since the interrogation room, but her fatigue was causing her to slip. His heart stuttered in his chest at what he heard. 

_Getting sucked out of an airlock would be quick_

_I think my shoulder is broken_

_A blaster, one to my temple_

_Who knows where Trudgen’s blade has been, ugh_

_What if I just never woke up tomorrow_

_That Symoxin in his room—that could work_

Previous worries about sentiment flew out of his mind. He knelt down in front of her, cradling her face in his hands. “Little one, you don’t really mean those thoughts…”

Her face shut down and the wall snapped up again, cutting off her stream of consciousness. 

“Just some dark humor. I’ve been beaten on by six angry men for the past week. It’s bound to make a girl wish for the sweet release of death.” Her tone was sarcastic. 

Ren searched her face, feeling desperate. This wasn’t what he wanted. He was sure she’d get angry, surprise his Knights by flinging them across the training room one day and screaming at them to get off of her. But- maybe he should have expected this. She’d said it herself, to him. 

_I don’t want to be cruel, or merciless, or ambitious. I don’t enjoy hurting others._

Did that mean she’d rather die? What a horrible miscalculation on his part. He was letting her down. A cold sweat broke out over him. If he hadn’t been here today, caught those thoughts, would he have walked in to find her dead in their rooms? She’d even thought of an overdose—something he _knew_ from her parents issues she’d never contemplate. But it had been there, clear as day, ringing in her head. 

He needed to fix this. Immediately. Be a better teacher to her, be what she needed. 

Ren gently touched her shoulder. “Is it broken?”

“He pulls his blows with me, so maybe not.” She sighed. “I’m afraid to move it again and find out.” 

“I should have been paying more attention. Taking better care of you.” He slipped a hand under her other arm and helped her up. “Let’s go to the med bay.” 

Ren continued cursing himself for assuming she would respond to the same brute punishments that Snoke had dealt him as they travelled to the medical bay. It seemed that anger was the last thing she would react with; even preferring her own demise to hurting another person. 

Maybe he couldn’t do this. What would happen if she wouldn’t turn? A flash of Rey’s dead body in his mind’s eye had him pushing those thoughts away. She _would_ turn. 

“I can go on my own. They know me.” She shuddered. “They wanted me in the Bacta tank. I said literally over my dead body.”

He’d assigned her two troopers, given her some small freedoms over the past week. She’d been complaint, pleasant even, to the guards. It irritated him she wanted him gone. It was also frustrating that she’d been allowed to refuse medical care; no wonder she’d been healing so slowly. 

“Today’s the day,” he growled as they entered.

“Oh, no.” She tried to wiggle from his grasp but halted with a pained hiss.

It was like herding a pack of wild Loth-cats trying to get her in the Bacta tank. The medical staff was terrified of him, and his rising rage with her repeated refusals wasn’t helping. He’d finally put her under with Force sleep and snarled at the staff to get her in. 

Unwilling to leave her, he’d been sitting silently for hours, no doubt rising the blood pressure of every staff member there. A jumpy First Order physician was now in front of him. “I really would recommend a few more hours, Supreme Leader. Extensive bruising, multiple contusions….”

_I’ve been such a fool. I knew she was hurting, distant. I want our relationship to be different, but instead I did the same thing to her that was done to me._

If she hadn’t considered him a monster that night at the temple, she probably did now. 

"She hates those things. Get her out and send me with whatever else needs to be done for the night,” he snapped. 

The physician practically tripped over himself getting her discharged. 

Ren was carrying her limp form in his arms when Hux intercepted him. 

“Training is going well, Supreme Leader?” Hux sneered, falling into step with him. 

“Now is not a good time, General.” He didn’t stop his pace toward their quarters, now angry with himself for not covering her more, the clean white tank and briefs showcasing every soft, delicious line of her body for Hux to leer at. 

“Of course not. Such a willing captive. I’m sure you’re busy.” Those beady eyes were trained on her breasts. 

Ren tripped Hux, delighted to hear the General’s nose crunch on the floor behind him. 

Back in their quarters, he laid her carefully on the bed, tucking the sheet securely around her. There were still shadows of cuts and bruises on her, but they were better than they had been. She stirred, eyes flickering open, but he sent her back under. She needed sleep. 

Ren was hesitant to leave her alone, but he hadn’t planned on his afternoon being derailed, and there always seemed to be something that demanded his attention. He hid the Symoxin, just in case, and summoned a medical droid.

“Notify me as soon as she wakes,” he ordered the small droid.

“Yes, sir.” The tinny voice replied. 

With one last look at her sleeping form, he left. 


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV. You pay him another unexpected visit.

It had been a little over a week since she’d last appeared, sleepy and clad in a sheet in his bed. 

This time she sat in the co-pilot’s seat of the Falcon as he was fiddling with some shoddy wiring at the primary controls, in a white tank and briefs. She squeaked and crossed her arms over her chest, but not before Poe got a look at the outline of her generous breasts, nipples dusky through the thin fabric. 

“This is getting embarrassing,” she groused. Her crossed arms only served to accentuate the fullness of her chest, and he struggled not to stare. 

Then, he noticed the rest of her. Yellowed bruises and thin, pink lines of cuts covered her entire body, not an area he could see free of some mark. 

“You said he wasn’t hurting you!” Poe hollered at her. 

For a moment, she seemed perplexed, but her gaze fell on her arms and legs. “Oh. Most of those aren’t him. The Knights of Ren.” She said it casually, as if the image of that pack beating on her made it any better at all. To top it off, she’d said most of them weren’t from him. 

Meaning some of them were. Poe’s mouth worked open and closed, unable to find appropriate words for what was filling him. It was more than rage. Poe wasn’t sure the emotion had a name.

Seeming to sense his deep distress, she reached out for him with her hand, always more focused on others than herself. Aiming to comfort him when she was the one who needed tending. 

Her soft skin connected with his calloused hand. 

“Oh!” Her hand snapped back, shock crossing her face. Shock and- something else. Something fragile.

Listen. All I need to do is listen. Poe reminded himself. But now he could touch her. The temptation was too great, his need to soothe her a burning in his chest. 

He stood up from his seat and grabbed her hands, pulling her into his arms, her skin cool to the touch. She didn’t fight him, allowing her head to nuzzle into the crook of his neck, her arms wrapping securely around him. He gently stroked her hair.

“Hey,” he whispered teasingly in her ear.

“Hi,” she murmured quietly, taking a deep breath, her nose in his shirt.

Poe felt the first hitch of her breath, the only indication of her internal emotional unraveling before the tears began. He swayed gently back and forth, taking some of her weight as she sagged into him, hard sobs wracking her body. 

After a while, she calmed, her breathing moving from ragged to even, the hot slide of tears against his neck slowing. He tipped her head up and looked down into her red-rimmed eyes, placing a soft, chaste kiss on her forehead. She leaned back into him and he waited, hoping she would talk.

“I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore,” she admitted finally. “Initially when he pushed me I reacted in anger, thought maybe I could use that, get closer to him again- turn this whole thing around. It was stupid.”

Poe shook his head. “You knew him before. It makes sense you’d be hopeful.”

“This week, though, he left me with his Knights. They’re cruel. Hard. I didn’t want to be like them. I thought I could take the verbal and physical abuse they were doling out to me. Somehow outlast them. Ben would intervene. But he let it go so far. He watched today. Watched and didn’t do anything. I thought he cared about me, still, on some level. My--,” she paused the rush of words, her body tensing with discomfort.

Poe ran long, soft strokes down her back, waiting.

“My shoulder was broken.” He immediately relaxed his hold, worried he’d hurt her. 

“It’s fine now,” she rushed to say, burrowing back into him, continuing. “He caught some of my thoughts. I was feeling hopeless. Ben’s whole demeanor changed, his guard slipped for a moment and I saw that wasn’t what he wanted. He was concerned. Now I’m not sure. Maybe I wasn’t totally wrong. I can get to him.”

Poe considered her words, again struggling with what he wished he could say. He wanted to tell her that thinking there was any goodness left in Kylo Ren was mad, that he’d killed his own father, allowed an entire system to burn, murdered Rey…but he didn’t think she would accept it. 

“He’s done many terrible things,” Poe said instead, “it may be that he’s just gone too far.” 

She nodded into his chest. “I know.” 

“You need an exit strategy. In case this happens again. I know you want to argue, but, hear me out.” Her head lifted again, and he traced the delicate line of her eyebrows with his fingers. “The mole agreed to keep an eye on you. I’m going to ask them to contact you, anonymously, and set an emergency meet point. Either one of you can use it. If you get in trouble, or if they are discovered, you’ll both evacuate.” He waited for her protest. 

“Okay.” 

The fact she hadn’t put up a fight gave him an even better idea how bad things must have gotten for her. His chest tightened with worry. 

“I know you don’t understand how this is possible, and I don’t get it at all, but you can always come to me.” Poe was now tracing the delicate shell of her ear. “Anything you need.” 

“Yes.” A tiny smile crossed her face. “I’ll try.” 

Her small, full lips were so close to his. Poe longed to lean down, kiss her. He watched as she noted his gaze, her own flicking down to his mouth. One of his hands slid up to the back of her neck, gently pressing her face toward his, allowing her plenty of time to stop the movement if she didn’t want it. 

Chewbacca roared loudly from the main hold. She startled in his arms, panicked. 

“I have to go,” she blurted out, and vanished.

The collar of Poe’s shirt was still wet with her tears when he went back to work on the Falcon.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren tries to be a nice man. And some smut. :)

_This is becoming a troubling routine_ , I thought blearily as I scooted off of the bed, trying to reorient to my current surroundings. 

I buried my head in my hands, groaning. _What am I doing?_ I could still smell Poe, a deep, earthy scent laced with the tang of oil and fuel from the engines he often worked on, the warmth of his body against mine, the sharp line of his jaw covered in that ever-present layer of stubble. He’d held me so tenderly as I’d cried. 

Emotions warred within me. Poe had been flirting with me for months, teasing, playful- I’d thought it was his way. He had a reputation. But this was more. I’d chosen to reveal myself rather than let him die; I kept appearing where he was at random intervals. We were connected. I had wanted to kiss him. 

What a mess. 

A medical droid whirred to life in the corner. I needed to clear my head, in more ways than one. I didn’t want Ben to stumble onto these thoughts. Sick of being stuck in his quarters, I grabbed a fresh set of training clothes and quickly dressed, heading for the comms at the door.

“MB-222?” I called through the door.

“Yes, ma’am?” 

“I’d like to go out.” I held my breath, hopeful Ben hadn’t given instruction for them to keep me here. 

The door whooshed open, and MB-222, along with his partner TK-656, stood at the ready. I smiled at them both, curious what they looked like beneath their white helmets. “How has your day been?” 

“Nothing unusual. What is your destination?” 

They were not a chatty bunch. 

I hesitated. “I just want to stretch my legs.” For the past week, I’d mostly travelled between Ben’s quarters, the training room, and the med bay. “Is that allowed?”

“We’ll keep you well away from any restricted areas.” TK-656 responded, stepped aside to let me through the door. “This level is mostly private quarters. We will escort you.” 

The three of us wandered around the halls, occasionally passing a higher ranking uniformed officer. The hallways were disconcertingly invariable and cold, the identical doors lining the halls, all evenly spaced; no trace of individual personality. Despite the odd surroundings, I was happy to be able to take a leisurely stroll. 

My mind wandered back to thoughts of Poe. I couldn’t help it. After a shocking number of years avoiding intimate relationships, I appeared to be making up for lost time, somehow involved with two at once. Shame coursed through me. This wasn’t fair to anyone. 

As we approached the main lift, TK-656 halted me. “The Supreme Leader would like you returned to his quarters.” 

“Oh.” I had a belated feeling of guilt, hoping I hadn’t gotten them in trouble. “Okay.”

They ushered me back with enough speed that I knew Ben had been upset. 

“Sorry.” I whispered to them, my throat tight. “I’ll tell him it was my idea.”

“No need to worry, ma’am.” MB-222 reassured me. “It was our mistake.”

I felt sick by the time we got back, the door opening to reveal Ben still in his mask. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the suite roughly. 

“Dismissed,” he barked at the guards as he shut the door and locked it.

He turned on me, backing me into the wall. “Where were you?” 

“I just asked them if I could go for a walk. It was my fault for asking, please don’t punish them.” The explanation spilled desperately from me. “I felt trapped.”

“Why would you feel trapped? These are our quarters.” 

**_Our_** _quarters?_ I paused, uncertain. “Ours? I-I thought of them as yours. I’m just….” I couldn’t quite find the word. “I’m just a guest.” 

He backed away as if I’d struck him. I stayed against the wall as he paced and took his mask off.

“You think of this as temporary?” Something wounded was in his eyes, carefully watching for my response. 

“Well. Um. I—“ Were we about to have a relationship talk? My mind was spinning. “I don’t know.”

“I thought I made myself clear the other night. You are mine. Mine in all ways.” 

“Yes, but I thought that was conditional. Conditional on me turning. Something you know I can’t do. Besides,” I waved my hand dismissively, “you’d tire of me at some point. Leave.” I met his eyes. “You of all people know relationships are finite. They break.”

Ben stalked toward me like a feral cat. “ _Not this one_.” He laced his gloved fingers with mine. 

I didn’t believe him. The moment I refused to turn, he would kill me. 

“You won’t refuse, and I would never kill you.” 

“Never is a strong word.” I was still tired, my thoughts too open, so I tried not to let myself consider his past actions. “And I will refuse.”

“Is it so terrible, the thought of joining me?” He had moved closer, gently trapping me, our clasped hands up against the wall. 

A series of visions danced in my head, his hope for what we could be. Fighting together, ruling together, never apart again. I sighed with pleasure at the opportunity to stay with him, even as the idea of being part of the First Order twisted a knot in my stomach. “Of course not.” I lowered my eyes, sad. “But I want to be with _my_ Ben,” I whispered. 

“I am your Ben.” He tilted my chin up. “I know I made mistakes over the past week. Let me show you how it can be. How _we_ can be.” 

My heart stuttered in my chest, filling with hope. _Yes. Yes. This is what I want._

A part of me cautioned against it, wary. _He’ll do anything to have you, say anything._

He traced the frown line between my eyes. “Always so sweet, and so worried.” The leather rasped softly on my cheek. “Let me take care of you.”

Wasn’t that always what I wanted? I let my cheek rest in his broad hand, my resolve softening. I’d felt so lonely for him, grieved the loss of him for so long. Now he wanted me to be his, to stay. This wasn’t temporary to him. 

_Sure. All you have to do is give in to the Dark._ A sarcastic part of me countered. 

_But think of what you’d gain._ This voice was sly, tricky. _You’d get Ben. Forever. Really, a small price to pay for someone who would stay._

“Yes.” I swallowed nervously. “Show me how it can be, with us.”

He took our clasped hands off the wall and guided me to the edge of the bed. I let him undress me, mesmerized by how careful he was being. 

“I’d like it if you slept naked. Every night. I want to know that I can take you whenever I want.” 

My sex throbbed. I’d like that, too. I shivered, my nipples tightening in response to the cold room. He kissed them both before settling me in the bed and beginning to undress himself. I let myself enjoy the view, his wide muscled back, torso flowing down into narrow hips and long, strong legs. 

He slipped in next to me, propping himself on his elbow to look down at me. Ben’s free hand started wandering up and down my body in light, smooth strokes. My nerve endings were shimmering in response, the touch just short of a tickle, soothing and arousing. Time slipped by me as he varied his touch just enough to keep the sensation going, covering my arms, face, sides, stomach, thighs. I didn’t fully realize when it turned into a sweet form of torture, my breath coming in short, my hips squirming as a low thrum of need pulsed between them. His focus was intense on me, following the cues of my body, but my own eyes had fallen closed at some point.

I felt like I’d been put under a spell, relaxation and desire a heady mix of sensation. Needing more contact, I rolled toward him, requiring the press of his body against mine. He stopped my movement easily, anticipating it. I opened my eyes to look at him, pleading. Ben rolled onto me carefully, nudging my legs open so he was cradled between them. The hard length of him settled against my folds, and I was more than ready for him, slick with need. 

His cock slid against me, hot and hard. I rolled my hips up against it, a soft sigh from my mouth. 

He reached down and positioned himself, slowly sliding into me, allowing my body to adapt to him. A low moan vibrated in my throat, and my hands came up to grip his biceps, feeling the flex and play of muscles as he eased in and out of me, braced above me. 

The pressure of his pelvis created steady friction on my clit, and a smooth, slow swell of pleasure washed over me, an intense fizzing like champagne bubbles all over my body. The sensation became more acute as his thrusts came faster, and my body tightened, straining for release. My nails dug into the skin of his upper arms as I rocked my hips with his rhythm. He leaned down and roughly kissed me, his hands sliding into my hair, his tongue matching the movements of his cock, spearing into me. 

He had dropped lower, more of his weight pressing me into the mattress, and my over-sensitive nipples were grazing against his chest with each of his movements, building onto the ever-expanding pleasure growing within me. Ben bit down on my lower lip, sucking it into his mouth with a low growl before his lips devoured mine again. 

My hands were clutching wildly at his back, body contracting and tensing, back bowed into his thrusts. He was making me into a wild creature, only coherent thoughts of physical pleasure and desire filling me, a wanton heathen. I scraped my nails down his back and he pounded into me, hitting that sensitive spot deep within my core. 

I screamed into his kiss, my body shuddering as the orgasm raced through me. I felt his body tighten above mine, and the vibration of his groans as he climaxed, our mouths parting so we could both gasp in air, panting. My body was buzzing.

A laugh bubbled up inside me, and I threw my arms around his shoulders, hugging him down to me. I brushed his dark hair and kissed one of his ears as he grumbled. I knew he’d always hated his ears, but I loved them. Happy, I wanted to lavish affection on him, but he started to shy away from me, and I made a sound of protest.

“I’m going to squish you,” he mumbled, and flipped us over so I was on top of him. 

“No,” I argued, “I like it.” I was playing with his hair, twirling the thick strands around my finger. It was longer than it had been before, and it suited him. 

His eyes were guarded and suspicious as I hummed cheerfully, pleased to have time to touch him, placing kisses on his beauty marks and freckles, tracing the outline of his lips with my fingertip, feeling him still inside me, connected. His arms were around me, holding me close, but part of him was pulling away from this type of intimacy. 

I separated our bodies and slid to the side, curling into him, feeling him relax. I knew he was starved for touch, but he resisted most attempts I made to show him physical affection. Perhaps it was something I could work on over time. 

Content, I allowed myself to drift off to sleep.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV. He's a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief smut involving what could be argued to be dubcon.

Ren sat at the edge of the bed, head in his hands, trying to figure out what in the hell he was doing. 

She had been glowing, her face flushed from sex, touching him with care and affection. The adoration had almost hurt, since Ren knew this wasn’t how it would be, that it couldn’t be this all the time. But he had needed to show her that he was still hers, even if most of that tenderness had been burned out of him a long time ago. He had found some of it, for her. It just wasn’t who he was anymore; calling it forth took effort. 

Plus, it came with a high cost, his own inner turmoil stoked as he’d tried to reconnect with that part of himself. The headache split through his skull. 

“Ben?” Her sleepy voice cut through all the noise of his internal chatter. The sheets rustled and her body molded to his back, her mouth setting kisses on his neck, breasts pressing softly against him. “Are you all right?”

He was growing hard again, the slide of her soft skin on his, her hair tickling his shoulders, her smell. Ren didn’t have it in him to be kind again, didn’t want to ruin her happiness.

“I’m fine,” he snapped, shrugging her off. 

He expected that to push her away, get her to return to sleep. But it didn’t. Her hand snaked around his front, found his lengthening erection. 

“I know what you need,” she purred, her hand stroking him. 

Panicking, he slapped her hand away, rounding on her and pinning her to the bed. Ren knew he most likely looked crazed. He’d taken her roughly the last time, dominated the encounter, and she hadn’t willingly come back for more. If he admitted now what he really needed, what he wanted, she would hate him. 

But her eyes weren’t upset, or shocked. She relaxed under him. “Take what you need.”

He shook his head. “No. It upset you last time.” She’d withdrawn for the entire week after, and today- he recalled her thoughts about death. He’d hurt her.

She snapped up toward him so fast he had to dodge so her forehead didn’t smack into his nose. “You think _that’s_ why I was upset?” An angry flush rose high on her cheeks. “You left me with that pack of wild dogs all week and let them beat on me- and _watched_ them do it! They didn’t take any time to teach me, they just reveled in watching me struggle!” 

He felt his anger rise to match, frustrated with himself that he’d allowed her to sense his feelings. “I _thought_ that you would show them what you could actually do! Instead you let them rip you to shreds daily!” He thundered in her face.

“I don’t enjoy hurting people!” 

“So you’d rather let them hurt _you_ , walk all over you, just so you can be seen as a kind and selfless?! Turn the other cheek? Where’s your survival instinct?!”

“Fuck you, Ben! You don’t know anything about me! Get off of me!” She shoved at his shoulders and squirmed up to pull herself off the other side of the bed. “I’m going to my own room.”

He grabbed her by the ankle and pulled her back, restraining her with ease. “Oh no, we are _finishing_ this conversation.” He’d hit a nerve. 

She snapped her mouth closed and turned her head away, closing her eyes. 

Ren tried to calm down. “What don’t I know?” 

“Oh, I don’t know, perhaps the last seven years of my life after you and your uncle abandoned me on Yavin 4 in the middle of a smoldering pile of ashes and dead bodies?” She quivered with rage underneath him.

“I’m here now,” he said, surprised to feel guilt twisting through him. 

“Sure. Great. Fantastic,” she spat.

“Tell me.” Ren wanted to know, needed to know where she’d gone, who she’d been with, how she’d felt. Had she been as miserable without him as he had been without her? 

She gave a short, frustrated huff. “I searched what was left for valuables, and used that to hop on a smuggler’s ship. They dropped me at Nar Shaddaa.”

Ren froze. She’d gone to one of the most dangerous planets in the galaxy, lawless and located in Hutt Space, a haven for smugglers and thieves, where no one would have given a second thought to murdering, raping, or selling her. He could murder her himself right now for knowingly walking into that kind of danger. 

Except for the fact he was part of the reason she’d ended up there. He caught a wisp of a thought from her regarding the choice- those were the easiest places to get lost, the sprawling metropolis moon overcrowded. 

“There’s a hospital located in Wormstew Town. I demonstrated my usefulness and got a job patching up anyone who came in. No questions asked. I always managed to stay on the Hutt’s good side, and I made a few friends.” Her voice was flat. 

He was having trouble imagining her on that planet, her sweet disposition antithetical to dealing with the selfish, cruel people that chose to do business there. Ren had heard that they’d take bets on how long people lasted. Even the First Order had chosen to stay away from Hutt controlled space; and yet, she’d somehow managed. 

But again, he was selfish. Cruel. Sometimes he wondered if her compassion had limits, and fear filled him- turning someone with her level of kindness might be impossible. 

“Eventually, I patched up a Resistance spy – I only knew because he was convinced he was going to die there, and his thoughts were so loud it was hard not to hear them, even when I was trying to dampen my connection to the Force. The Resistance didn’t, and doesn’t, mess with Nar Shaddaa, considering it a suicide run. I’d lasted for years there, but the slave trade was heating up again and I knew I’d end up dead, or wishing I was if I didn’t leave. So, I convinced him to take me along.”

She’d been there for _years_. In that cesspool. 

She turned to look at him dead in the eye. “So you see, I must have some survival instincts, or I wouldn’t have made it two minutes in that gods-forsaken place. And now I would like to go to bed. Alone.”

Ren studied her. Talking about her past had her energy crackling with irritation. She was right on the edge. A careful push and she’d explode. He was realizing that he was the only person she’d fight with, who could provoke her into a temper. Perhaps it was because she knew she couldn’t really harm him. Ren itched for a fight, to see her out of control. 

“No,” he said, shrugging casually.

Ren felt himself fly across the room, hitting the wall. _Perfect_. A sense of deep satisfaction filled him at her outburst. 

For a moment, she paused, sitting on the edge of the bed shocked at her power, but quickly recovered and bolted toward the guest room door. Ren went after her, but the bed slid across the floor at him, and he had to dodge it. She’d reached the door and slammed it shut again before he got there, and he heard her smash the control panel on the other side. 

Ren realized they were still both naked as he called his lightsaber to his hand and slashed the door apart, stepping through the carnage to see her glaring at him from the other side of the tiny room. 

“Get out!” She snapped. 

“Make me.” He tossed his saber aside. _I’m unarmed. Do your worst._

This time, he easily resisted her Force push and deflected anything she tossed at him. She was breathing heavily, still upset but unable to sustain the anger. In another bold move, she rushed him and grabbed for his lightsaber, but he caught her, dumping her onto the smaller bed. 

Fisting one hand in her hair and using the other to restrain her, he entered her with one thrust. She cried out. 

“You said I could take what I need,” he breathed into her ear. 

She thrashed beneath him, a guttural scream of frustration leaving her throat, still trying to dislodge him. But each time she struggled, it pressed him further into her and she moaned with pleasure. 

“I think a part of you likes it when I’m this way,” Ren said, “and it frightens you.” 

He caught her thoughts.

_I shouldn’t like this_

_I want to give in_

_More._

“More?” He asked.

“Yes,” she hissed out through clenched teeth, her resentment hanging heavy in the air.

It was an angry, rough coupling, and he took them both over the edge quickly, thrusts fast and deep. Her hair was tangled in his hand, their bodies both sweat-slicked when he was done, breathing fast and shallow. 

Ren pulled out of her and stood, lifting her from the bed and stepping over the debris from their argument. Their bed was halfway across the room, but he didn’t care, lying them both down and gathering her in his arms, ignoring her stiffness.

After a time, her body softened into his, and she sighed. All of her earlier frustration and wrath drained away, leaving her familiar sweetness. He felt the instant, instinctual forgiveness she extended to both him and herself.

_She’s never going to join you. Doesn’t have it in her. Do you even want to change her that way?_ Ren shook the doubts off. There wasn’t an alternative. He was lost. She _had_ to come to his side. 

“I do like it when you’re that way,” she said. A hesitation, and she twisted around so she could look him in the eye. “But I also liked things before that.” 

He ran his hand down her back, lightly, mimicking the soft, almost tickling sensation from earlier. 

She shivered against him, and he felt her nipples pucker against his chest. “Yes, that,” she said, smiling shyly. He wove his other hand in her hair and tugged roughly, eliciting a gasp. “That, too,” she whispered. 

Ren kissed her upturned mouth, pleased with her reactions. She liked both sides of him, wasn’t asking him to choose or putting conditions on him. He couldn’t think of the last time that had happened, other than with her. Maybe it had never occurred with anyone else in his life. 

With some reluctance, he released her. “I have a gift for you.” Ren moved off the bed, heading to his desk. He unlocked the bottom drawer, reaching back to pull out a bundle of cloth, bringing it back with him to her. 

As she took it, he saw excitement light her eyes, recognition before she even had the item uncovered. “I couldn’t find it. I looked.”

“I took it with me.” _It was something of yours, since I couldn’t take you._

Her smiling eyes were full of tears as she pulled the last of the fabric away, revealing the lightsaber he’d made for her so long ago. 

“For tomorrow,” Ren explained. “With me. I sent the Knights away.” He brushed the hair out of her face. “I’ll teach you just like I did before.” 

Arms suddenly wrapped around his shoulders, the unexpected embrace knocking him back onto the bed, her body falling partway over his chest. 

“Thank you,” she whispered into his ear. “Thank you for keeping it safe for me.”

Ren found himself excited for tomorrow afternoon. Just the two of them, he could train her as before, remind her of what they’d had. 

Maybe that would be enough- enough to convince her to willingly chose the Darker path.

Choose him. 


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short Hux POV

Hux observed his face in the mirror. He’d gone immediately to the medical bay, his uniform covered in blood from his broken nose. An unseemly sight, un-befitting an officer of the First Order, but he hadn’t wanted to wait and risk permanent damage. 

Luckily, it was now as if the damage never occurred. He flexed his previously broken hand, agitated at the number of injuries he’d sustained from Ren’s undisciplined rage. He’d prefer to accelerate his plans, get rid of Ren now, but he could not allow himself to be baited into making a mistake. Things were at a critical juncture, the girl clearly important to him. If this afternoon’s reaction was any indication, Ren was possessive of her, had grown- _attached_. Didn’t even like another man looking at her without a reaction borne of jealousy. 

He hadn’t quite believed the initial message, curious how the sweet-seeming rebel scum could destabilize Ren. But having seen his interest in her- this was a different thing from the scavenger girl. The scavenger’s appearance had increased Ren’s volatility and led to Snoke’s death, not to mention she’d bested him on Starkiller base. But this one; Ren was distracted, spending more time training her and leaving the Council to run the daily operations of the Order without interference. There seemed to be no risk that she would be a match for Ren’s power. 

Now that his Knights were also gone...he’d be more vulnerable. Focused on her. Unaware of the knife that was about to be buried in his back. 

Hux decided now would be the time to make contact with the girl. Leak some sensitive information that she would be forced to share with her Resistance friends, driving a wedge between her and Ren. Hopefully, that wedge would leave her open to accepting his help as the mole and Hux would have what he’d always wanted. 

Absolute control of the First Order. 


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mole makes contact. You warn the Resistance.

Ben had gently woken me before he’d left in the morning, telling me to rest and remain in our quarters for the day; he would return later in the afternoon. I stretched lazily, content. One of the server droids had pulled me from sleep again after he’d left, a tray of food on the desk. Probably cold by now, as I had been dawdling, too comfortable to leave the warmth of the bed, curling around his pillow and breathing in his scent, drifting in and out of a light sleep.

Deep down, I knew I should be more worried. I’d erupted last night, sarcastic, hurt, angry, cruel. Not exactly proud of my actions, I frowned, clutching the pillow tighter to me. He’d baited me again. Unsurprising. What _was_ surprising was how easily I took that bait. 

But then I thought of his gentleness with me, the hurt I’d seen in his eyes when I’d assumed things were temporary between us. Yesterday felt like a wash; one step forward and one step back, in the same place I’d been before. 

Sick of my own thoughts, I ignored the food and headed into the shower, eager for time to pass and Ben to return so we could train. Stepping out into the humid air of the bathroom, I noted some new things resting on the sink. Examining them, I felt pleasure spread through me- he’d left me more gifts. Hand crème, face moisturizer, and some delicious smelling body lotion. A glass pot held hair pins and fastenings. I took my time, enjoying the new luxuries and braiding my hair away from my face. 

After dressing, I examined the cold contents of the tray, spying a note. Thinking it was another surprise from Ben, I quickly opened it. The little buzz of excitement turned to horror. 

It was the mole, making contact with me. 

_Your friends have requested we establish an escape point, but there are more pressing matters. I cannot risk contacting them directly with this information. They are planning an attack on a planet in the Corellian System. I am unaware of the details at this time, but they are readying the weapon and our course is set. I overheard “visceral visual impact”. It is retaliation for the attack on Corellia. Dispose of this note immediately._

Terrified of Ben finding me with the note, I ran over to the trash compacter unit in the wall and shoved it in along with the food on the tray. Nausea rolled over me. This couldn’t be happening. Would he really order the destruction of an entire planet over a few measly Destroyers? 

_Yes. You know he would._

Shocking myself, I paused. _Do I tell them?_ It felt like a betrayal of my relationship with Ben- just like the connection with Poe. If I had a chance to bring him toward the Light, he needed to trust me. My continued contact with the Resistance was in direct conflict to that end. 

I pressed my fingers to my temples. How was I going to warn them? I had no way of getting any transmissions out, and I had no idea where to send them. By design, I was ignorant of their new base, and I knew that any other cells would have been instructed to move by Connix. She was thorough. 

I could tell Poe. But how long would it be until I appeared to him again? Could I even, safely, contact him when I was sharing a bed with Ben? He was going to notice at some point, too powerful to miss something like that occurring so near to him. I’d been lucky the other night, he had been sedated by the medication. 

Could I do it on purpose? When I wasn’t asleep? 

I had to- needed to warn _someone_.

If I could just do it fast, have him go to General Organa- maybe I could even tell her myself if I was able to move around. Could I appear to anyone else but Poe? 

So many questions. I needed privacy, and I had no exact time for his return.

I shut myself in the fresher, half-convinced Ben wouldn’t barge in on me as readily there. I sat crossed legged on the cool floor and began meditating. I let my mind wander to thoughts of Poe, to all the times I’d seen him before. Tried to conjure his scent, his face, the feel of his hands on me. 

Time dragged by, possibly minutes, possibly hours, as I sat there, focusing on my breath, praying to whatever was listening to help me. 

Finally, painfully, I felt something change. 

It was different this time. I popped into existence in the middle of a stunning, verdant green area. Rich soil squished beneath my boots. I frantically looked around me, seeking any indication I was in the right place, and simultaneously trying not to remember much if I was; unwilling to compromise their position. 

There. The _Tantive IV._ I sprinted. I heard a few shocked yells as I ran up the incline to the interior of the ship, toward the main conference area. If I were lucky, Connix or Rose might be there. 

I _was_ lucky, but perhaps overly so. I burst into the meeting room, six pairs confused eyes meeting mine. Rose, Connix, Maz, Poe, Leia, and Finn were all there. 

I gasped in air. “They’re going to blow up another planet. One in the Corellian System- I don’t know the specifics, but it’s not a moon and it’s one they think will have ‘visceral visual impact’. It’s retaliation for the Destroyers. That’s all I know.” 

A cacophony of questions greeted my rushed statement, including a lot of confusion about how exactly I was standing there, with them. I started to shake my head, but Leia barked out a command. 

“Everyone OUT!” Her voice was clear and strong. “Questions later.”

Maz ushered everyone to the door, and I moved away, not wanting anyone to reach out and touch me. If they even could- it had only been that one time with Poe. His eyes met mine as he passed me. 

“Where is the _Steadfast_ now?” Leia asked.

“Headed to the system, I think. I’m so sorry it’s incomplete information. I’m-“ My hands gestured helplessly. “I’m not even sure if you can do anything, but I had to try. Tell someone.”

“You did the right thing.” Her expression was pained. “You’re struggling, though. I’ve felt it.” 

I didn’t want to be having this conversation. The fact she could sense my conflict was concerning. Maybe I’d gone further than I intended down that dark path. Or perhaps that’s not what she’d meant at all. 

“That can’t be helped right now.” I said simply. 

Leia shook her head. “You’re headed into dangerous territory. Come back. Let me teach you. I should have tried harder to convince you then- but I’m asking now.” 

“I can’t leave him.” The statement came out with more desperation than I’d intended to let on.

“This is not going to go the way you think,” she cautioned. 

“I know.” Distantly, I felt Ben coming down another hall, so many light years away, almost to the door. “I have to go. He’s coming.” I reached out to her, entreating. “Save those people. Please.”

 _Save yourself._ I thought I heard her say.

I dropped back into my body, shaking from the effort of doing- whatever it was I did. I sagged with relief against the cool tiles. I heard his voice calling my name, and sprang upright from the floor, turning on the sink to pretend I was washing my hands.

“Be out in a minute!” I called, taking a few more steadying breaths. I couldn’t keep this from him forever. 

But I did it. I warned someone. 

I just hoped it was enough. 


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia POV

Leia stared at the empty space in front of her. When Poe had described her appearances to him, he had made it sound like she was ethereal, not completely present. 

The person in front of her had been solid, grounded. Leia was convinced that she could have reached out and touched her. The distress that had been in her voice when she admitted she couldn’t leave Ben- _that_ was concerning. Such anguish- and the light stubble burns on her pale skin, the love bites marring her smooth neck hadn’t escaped Leia’s notice. The two of them had already rekindled their relationship. She had been clad in all black, hair neatly braided down her back, the style practical. 

Something a Sith apprentice would wear to train with their Master. Her eyes had even darted to an invisible door when she’d whispered he was coming, anxiety tightening the delicate skin around her eyes. 

But she’d still warned them. Begged for them to save the people about to be obliterated by one of the First Orders axial superlasers. Even as she herself needed saving, her plea had been for them, not herself. 

There was only one course of action to be taken.

Leia strode with purpose from the conference room and out of the ship to meet the cluster of curious and nervous stares just outside the entrance. 

“Scramble the fighters.” She took a steadying breath. “We’re going to the Corellian System.”

Rose immediately took off toward the cave to give the order. 

Poe walked up to Leia, his eyes searching. 

“Where is she?” he demanded.

“Gone.” Leia pinned him with a suspicious gaze. “I have a feeling you’ve not told me the whole of it. She was _there_ , in that room.”

He nodded. “I hadn’t had to chance to get you alone-“

She waved a hand, interrupting him. “Later. I need you to lead the Black Squadron. We don’t know if it will be only the _Steadfast_ or a fleet that we’re meeting, and they have a head start. We have to move fast.” 

Rose ran back over to them, slightly out of breath. “Are we taking the _Tantive IV_?”

“What about the Falcon?” Poe asked.

“Chewie, Maz, Connix and I will take the Falcon. We’re going for one reason only- to stop the attack, if we can. I don’t want any extraneous personnel or ships with us that don’t have to be there.” Leia wanted to get closer to the _Steadfast_ ; try to better feel out the dynamic between her son and his student. 

“Understood,” he said.

Leia watched as Poe, Rose and Connix all scrambled off in opposite directions, yelling out quick commands and bringing some semblance of order to the chaos that had started to take over the base.

Finn had remained silent, hanging back. “Where do you want me?”

“I need someone to stay here, at the base with Rose.” She watched as he opened his mouth to argue. “This might not go our way. I need people I can trust here, who can lead what’s left if some of us don’t return. We’re going into this one mostly blind.”

Finn straightened, protests dying off. “Yes, General.” 

Leia put a hand on his shoulder. “It can be the harder job, staying behind.”

With a nod, he headed off to find Rose. Leia watched him go. She needed to find the time to have a heart to heart with Finn; he was sensitive to the Force. He would benefit from training, and it appeared she was all that was left to guide him. 

“That young woman is in trouble- already succumbing to his influence.” Maz stated.

“Yes.” Leia brought her hand up to her head, fatigue settling like a heavy blanket on her. “I felt the weight of it, their shared history. Her loyalty is torn.” 

“Curious she still made the decision to come here, warn us. Curious still how she managed it.” Maz had a speculative look on her face, considering. 

“If he manages to turn her- “ Leia tried not to contemplate what that would look like, how that would provide an even larger obstacle to surmount. 

Maz nodded. “You want to go along today to investigate.” 

Leia thought of the last times she’d felt her son- the _Raddus_ , Crait. There were impressions of power, shifts in the Force, but the proximity helped to narrow things down. Despite the pain, despite the angry slash in the fabric of the universe that her son was, she wanted to feel him again. Even if all she felt was his suffering and anger. 

Part of her scolded herself for missing him. But she was his mother, would love him no matter what he was, no matter who he had become. It would be impossible not to, like choosing to stop breathing. Many, many mistakes had been made. She longed for a time when she could hold him in her arms, apologize for her shortcomings, for how she’d hurt him. Tell him she loved him. 

Would she get that chance?

Taking in a steadying breath, Leia gazed down at Maz. “She’ll pay for warning us. Perhaps not now, but at some point. Let’s not make it in vain.”


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Multiple POVs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos, comments, and bookmarks! :)

Ren was furious. He’d felt it again, that enormous expenditure of power, radiating from where she was in the ship. Too late to catch her in the act of whatever it was she was doing, he lurked at the door of the fresher, frustrated. His hands itched to haul the doors open and rip the secret from her by force. 

She rushed out, taken aback by his proximity. “Oh!” Her skin was grey, and the wisps of hair at the back of her neck were stuck to her neck, lips pale. Whatever she was doing was taking a toll. He felt her fatigue. 

“You’re hiding something from me,” Ren growled.

Whatever blood was left in her face drained away. 

Red lights flashed in the room, alarms blaring. “PROXIMITY ALERT.”

“Stay _here_ ,” he hissed, frustrated they had been interrupted. 

Exiting the room, an officer fell into step beside him. “Resistance fighters have been spotted, Supreme Leader. The Falcon is among them. They have stationed themselves near the planet we’ve been prepping to eliminate. The axial superlaser is currently charging. General Pryde has engaged the fighters. There aren’t many, sir.” 

_The mole._ Ren snarled in his mind. “There weren’t many of them when they set off for Crait, either. And we all know how _that_ ended.” Fury and irritation screamed in his chest. “Destroy them.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.” The officer fell back, speaking into the communicator at his wrist. “General Pryde asked if you would be joining him on the bridge or taking your TIE fighter to engage directly in the battle.”

“Prepare my ship.” Ren entered the lift. 

The officer clicked his heels together and made a swift bow. “Hanger 2, it will be ready for you, sir.”

How had they arrived so quickly? The plans had been made, but the target and time was not agreed upon until barely two hours ago. How was the mole communicating with the Resistance? Ren thought back to her, that flare of power he kept sensing. 

Impossible. The effort had killed Luke. But he couldn’t shake the suspicion. Were they also trying to rescue her? Could this be a distraction? He almost stopped the lift and headed back to her, afraid she’d disappear. He’d post more guards.

Striding into the hanger bay, he barked the order at a random staff member to assign a contingent of troopers to guard the guest in his quarters. Settling into the TIE, he took his helmet off. He was immediately given clearance to take off. 

Rounding the side of the Steadfast, he encountered the heart of the skirmish. There were three squadrons of X-wings, plus the Falcon. The officer had not been mistaken when he’d said there weren’t many ships. Unfortunately, most of the pilots were well-seasoned in battle. He watched as one X-wing took out four TIEs with a flourish. 

The skill and style was unmistakable. Poe Dameron was here with his Black Squadron. Jealousy iced in his veins. _She_ had feelings for the pilot- he would take care of that problem today. 

___________________________________________________________

“Target the superlasers!” Poe shouted. He couldn’t shake this TIE fighter. 

_Damn this guy is good._

“Dameron, he’s still on your tail!”

“I know! I know! I’ve got it—just destroy the lasers so we can leave!” They’d only lost one fighter so far, but that wasn’t going to last. 

“Chewie! A little help here, buddy, I’ve got a live one!” A roar of acknowledgment sounded into his ears. From his peripheral vision, he saw the Falcon headed for him. Poe was barely dodging the shots from the fighter, desperately trying to keep the other pilot from getting a lock on him. 

The arrival of the Falcon seemed to spook it, and the TIE pulled up and away from him. Poe watched Chewie give chase. 

_That was close. Too close._

Poe glanced at the _Steadfast._ She was there, somewhere on that giant ship. Leia had pulled him aside right before he’d jumped in his X-wing to order him in no uncertain terms _not_ to do anything reckless or stupid, including a daring rescue attempt. 

The Red Squadron was pummeling the shield generators, Blue Squadron fighting to keep TIE fighters off them long enough to do some critical damage. He heard Jessika and Kare in their customary competition, shouting out First Order body counts to one another as they plowed through the swarm of tiny black ships coming from the hanger bays. 

He’d taken out two more when Maz’s voice crackled through the radios from the Falcon. “The shields are down!”

_________________________________________________________

Ren _felt_ the Falcon approach. 

His mother. She was reaching out to him again, a gentle probe, her sadness and love for him impossible to ignore. He pulled up from his pursuit of Dameron. If she was here, perhaps there was a bigger agenda. Anxiety filled him at the thought of his quarters being empty again, of her gone, rescued by her Resistance friends. She belonged with _him_.

The X-wings were somehow gaining ground, hammering at the shield generators. If they managed to break through, the resulting explosion would be enormous, and it would be the perfect amount of chaos for her to slip away, even without help.

He _shouldn’t_ leave the fight. This was part of his responsibility, and he was a far more skilled pilot. Ren could take out more of the enemies ships than any other fighter out here. 

But he couldn’t afford to lose her. They would deal with damage to the _Steadfast_. The hanger bay appeared before him. 

Exiting the fighter, mask back on, Ren grabbed the nearest officer, taking his communicator and striding to the lift. “General Pryde, this is your Supreme Leader. Would you like to advise me on exactly _how_ three X-wing squadrons and an old Correllian freighter are about to disarm this Destroyer?”

Pryde voice crackled through. “Supreme Leader Ren, they have split up. They are both too far and too close to our weapons for us to do optimal damage. We have released another wave of TIE fighters and should overwhelm their forces quickly.”

An explosion rocked the ship. “Not quickly enough, General. I’ll expect a full report on your failures. You have once again underestimated them.” Ren crushed the wrist communicator in his hand, tossing the pieces away as he exited onto his floor. 

The contingent was posted at the door to their quarters as he’d ordered, and he lost a breath to see her standing at the opening, peering out anxiously. The second she saw him, she rushed out to him, her feet bare on the cold floors. 

“Ben!” He saw her wince, realizing how she’d addressed him.

He didn’t care. Scooping her up into his arms, relief easing his tense muscles, he took her back through into their bedroom. 

“Dismissed,” he snapped as he passed the troopers. 

“What’s going on? They wouldn’t tell me anything.” Her cool hands reached up into the mask, clicking the buttons to release it from his face and holding it in her lap while he sat on the edge of the bed. Ren didn’t want to let her go, cradling her into his chest.

“The Resistance decided to pay us a little visit,” he ground out, trying to focus. 

Her eyes widened, something he couldn’t quite name flaring inside her. Anxiety? Hope? Relief? It was difficult to pick up on through the whirl of his own emotions. Yet another shudder rocked the ship, and she tensed. 

Outrage spiked his temper. Of all the ridiculous, stupid, nonsense- his Generals couldn’t even deal with some X-wings? His head pounded as the wrath inside him swirled. He set her down on the bed, eating the distance to the control panel by the door. “Get me a visual. NOW.” 

Ren felt his control slipping, something misaligning within his spirit. She had to stay with him. The fear swamped him. She would abandon him, of course. Like everyone else. 

On the screen, the side of the Destroyer appeared, the fighters all looking tiny as they zipped around in space. Insignificant. They would take her away from him. His hand fisted.

Two X-wings crumpled in mid-flight. Anger coursed through him, singing to him of the ways he could eliminate these threats to him. 

He felt her behind him, tugging at him, calling his old name. She sounded far away. Once more, he opened and shut his fist. There was a punishing pressure in his body, his ears about to pop. No one would get in the way, he would destroy them before they could destroy him by taking the last person he had left. 

“Stop. STOP!!” Her distress was acute. Ren could see his reflection in the screen, eyes glowing yellow. He’d never been able to wield this much power before. It was exhilarating, addicting. With this much control, he would never be afraid again. 

He heard the thrum of her saber just before the screen in front of him was smashed through, melted completely from her strike. Stopping him from eliminating his enemy, because she was one of them. _She was his enemy_. 

There was no thought- he was on her, his own weapon in his hand. She stumbled back, the force of his initial blow too powerful for her to block. 

“Ben!” Her eyes searched the room wildly, though he didn’t know for what. There was no help for her here. Ren advanced again, his focus narrowing. An easy kill. She barely managed to avoid his next few swings, fleeing more than fighting. Her panic filled the room. 

“That isn’t my name anymore,” he snarled. His voice was a ragged growl. 

Prowling toward her, he lunged to administer another punishing blow, but she re-directed its power by allowing it to slide down her own blade. He dragged his lightsaber along the polished black floor where she’d guided it, letting it sizzle a deep line next to him as he stalked her. 

Her hand came up, pushing him backward, but only by a scant few inches. Ren watched her pretty, pale face twist with effort. His weapon flew from his hand into hers, beams of cyan and orange-red splitting her face. It should have been impossible. The lightsaber shouldn’t have answered to her. 

Suddenly, both weapons were off, her body on the floor before him, on her knees, torso flat on the ground, arms stretched out toward him. Complete submission. Thrown of balance by such a foolish decision, his mind stuttered for just a second. Enough for him to realize what was happening. What he was about to do. To her. 

Horrified, he knelt, pulling her up and trying to draw her to him, but she thrashed away.

Ren couldn’t think of anything to say. She faced him from a few feet away, having scrambled away from his touch. 

“Where did you go? What was that?” Great, heaving sobs were shaking her entire body. “ _Who_ was that? You- you can’t ever do that again!” 

_Was that how he killed his father, killed Rey? Did he not even see them? Is this how he’ll kill me one day? The X-wings, --- Poe._ He heard her wildly circling thoughts and felt helpless.

Ren moved toward her and she flinched, still crying. Something inside him crumbled- he didn’t want to hurt her. He needed her.

“I’m- I don’t know what happened. I-“ He reached for her again, ashamed of how he’d frightened her. It felt like he’d lost the ability for conscious thought, intent only on brutal destruction of what stood in the way of eliminating a threat to his power. In the moment it had seemed so simple, so black and white- she had stopped him from crushing the enemy, so she must also be the enemy. 

Her gaze was accusatory. “You said things would be different.”

“I know. Please.” Always, always he was messing things up. A failure. He could never do anything right, there wasn’t a relationship he hadn’t ruined; but that couldn’t happen this time, she was his last hope. There was no one else left. 

The imbalance within him swung wildly again, the anger fading into sadness, loneliness, remorse. Ren gasped against the emotional pain, his hand coming up to his chest, unfamiliar with the burn of those emotions. 

She started towards him, as if she sensed the internal scales tipping. 

“You can’t go that way, that far. I won’t be able to follow,” she whispered. “Promise me you won’t.” Closing the space between them, she allowed him to pull her into his arms. 

“I promise.” Ren buried his face in her, breathing in her scent. The lotion he’d left for her made her smell of almonds and vanilla. The sweetness suited her. He rocked gently, not sure if it was to soothe her or himself. Maybe both. “I was afraid they were coming to take you away. That you would leave with them.”

Beautiful, teary eyes met his. “I don’t want to leave you.” 

He nodded, and gripped her tighter to him. Ren didn’t share that he’d also terrified himself in those moments. Hadn’t recognized his own eyes in the reflection of the glass before she destroyed it. 

Even in those moments with his father and Rey, he’d been aware. Made a choice. Today had been different, as if another person had taken over his body.

Perhaps he’d been wrong in believing once he’d chosen a side he would find peace.

___________________________________________________________

Poe was stunned. The X-wings had simply _crushed_. Crushed right in front of his eyes. The radio went wild. 

Leia’s voice came through. “Abort. Abort the mission. Everyone rendezvous back at the base immediately.” 

He did not have to be told twice. “You heard her!” Poe yelled into the noise. “Retreat!” 

__________________________________________________________

Leia leaned back into the chair in the Falcon’s cockpit, Maz and Chewie in front of her at the controls. She had felt the moment Ben had slipped, like a deafening roar of sound in her mind. If she thought he’d had Darkness within him before- those brief moments had been horrifying. 

Thank the Force that the girl had been there, near him on the _Steadfast_. Leia had felt the brief struggle ripple through the area, her fear and his rage, but then Ben had pulled out of it, his signature returning to its usual state of chaos, that mix of Light and Dark. 

The Falcon jumped into hyperspace. Maz turned to look at her. 

“It’s worse than I thought.” Leia admitted. “He’s been isolated for so long. Lonely. It’s eaten away at him.” 

Maz nodded soberly. 

“Did we manage to do enough damage?” Leia asked.

Chewie chuffed an affirmative. 

“The retreat was the correct choice,” Maz said, “that level of control, of destructive range….” 

Connix burst into the room, breathless. “What in the hell _was_ that?”

Leia closed her eyes, pained. “That was Kylo Ren.” 

“He crushed the X-wings? From where?” Connix’s face was bewildered. “With what?”

“From the _Steadfast_.” Maz replied. “With the Dark side of the Force.” 

“Who did we lose?” She whispered.

Leia shook her head. “We won’t know until we get back to base.” 

No one spoke again for the rest of the journey. 


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren trains you, in more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More smut. I have not forgotten I must earn the explicit rating. ;)

I stared at the long gash in the floor, shocked and numb from the events of the past few hours. Ben had left to get report from the Council, and, I assumed, to enact some kind of punishment for the mission failure. From what little I’d gathered, the _Steadfast_ had taken an alarming amount of damage. 

My mind couldn’t stop replaying the scene. He had looked like a vengeful god, prowling at me, dragging his weapon beside him, eyes glowing yellow-gold. It had been a close thing- for both of us. Ben had practically pitched headlong into the Dark, almost no trace of Light left, ready to murder me in the process of his fall. 

I shuddered. What kind of person did it make me that I was still able to approach him, allow him to hold me, that I felt _bad_ for him? My own sanity was surely in question at this juncture. I had thrown myself at his feet in surrender; fully expecting him to kill me.

But he hadn’t. 

Unable to stand being in the room any longer, staring at that damn gash in the floor, I grabbed my lightsaber and opened the door to the hall. It was empty. No sign of MB-222 or TK-656. 

_You could escape. Right now._ I laughed at the thought. I didn’t know how to fly, so I’d never get far. I considered my limited options and decided on the training room. Ben had said the Knights were gone, so I should be alone there. Plenty of open space. 

Nervously, I headed for the lift. The halls were deserted. 

Exiting onto another floor, I was shocked when still no one stopped me, passing by the usual mix of officers and crewers, all scurrying by, no doubt assigned to fixing whatever damage had been incurred by the attack. I paused at the door to the training room.

I didn’t want to panic him again- that was what started all of this. His fear that I would leave. Maybe I should just go back to our rooms. Or… I could try something we used to do. 

Hesitantly, I reached out with my senses, looking for him. It was much harder here than it had been at the temple, too many people to try and sort through. Things were better than they had been when I’d arrived, but I still had a crushing sense of overwhelm when I opened myself up fully to the Force. 

_There you are._ A dark, crackling ball of energy, jagged around the edges. Burning. I brushed against him carefully, a gentle poke to get his attention. My physical body took a step back as he arrowed in on me immediately, the intensity jarring. Anxiety spiked on his end. Clumsily, I tried to do what we’d done in the past, essentially winking my Force signature at him, pinning my location. 

I was woefully out of practice, and it seemed to take him some time to recognize what I was attempting to do. But, when he did understand, I was rewarded by a soft acknowledgement back, and his own energy winked in and out in answer.

The old habit between us was comforting. We had both remembered it, and like in the past, he would come find me when he was done. 

Satisfied, I entered the training room. Touching the weapon at my hip, I considered the other options, unsure if I was ready to use it again. But, if I was going to try and go over lightsaber forms, I may as well _use_ my lightsaber, and take it slowly. 

Turning it on, I stared at the cyan glow. The quality of the blade was said to reflect the builder, and indeed this one, built by Ben, was unstable, crackling at the edges. It never quite fit me, the volatility of the blade, but I’d always admired the color, the song of the kyber crystal he’d picked out for me. I situated myself in front of a large mirror so I could see my movements. 

Stiffly, I started with Shii-Cho, reviewing the body target zones in my head and trying to focus on moving the blade in perfect horizontal and vertical angles, a hallmark of the form. I felt clumsy, years upon years since I’d practiced, but I kept at it, focusing on my breath, in and out through my nose, exhale and inhale even in length. 

Muscles warming, I started to get into a flow, my movements less ragged. All I could hear was the sound of my own even breath, the hiss of the weapon, the soft scrape of my boots on the floor. Only me inside the yawning expanse of the room. For the first time in a while, I found myself relaxing. 

Unsure of how much time had passed, I sensed him before he entered the space, but I didn’t stop, expectantly waiting for him to comment or change my movements. He didn’t disappoint, coming straight over and starting in on me.

“You’re always holding on too tight.” I watched our reflection as he adjusted my grip on the hilt, tapping on my fingers when they white knuckled. “You’re stiff.” He poked at my neck, back and shoulders, illustrating how I needed to roll them out, ease the tension there. “You’re limiting your own range of motion,” he scolded.

This I hadn’t really missed. Ben was a perfectionist, and I never did anything correctly. Starting again, he kept a running commentary on my faults, stepping in repeatedly to correct my form.

“Your swings are bent. Straight up, straight across. Don’t curve- not in Shii-Cho.” He rapped my arm every time I failed. Which was often. 

“We can’t all be tall, dark, and menacing, waving our lightsabers around like clubs,” I muttered. 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing,” I grumbled, continuing, arms and shoulders screaming with fatigue. 

“No endurance,” he clucked. 

The scathing reviews devolved into one-word barks, him seated in a chair directly behind me:

“Posture!”

“Stiff!”

“Tight!”

“Straight!”

I dropped out of the forms and glared at his reflection. “Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I did this?”

“Two thousand, seven hundred and seventy-four days.” Not even a whiff of hesitation before he’d rattled off the number. Like he’d been keeping count. 

“Oh.” I had planned on yelling seven years. It had been longer than that- almost eight, really. I did some painfully slow mental math in my head. He was exact. The day before he’d burned it all down, he’d been working on advanced forms with me, trying to acertain which would suit me best. At that point, I was still outmatched by almost all the other students, but he’d never let that bother him, judging my progress against no one. Reminding me that I was improving. 

His expression was unreadable. I moved to resume. 

“Stop. Face the mirror.” I obeyed, thinking he was going to instruct me further. “Disarm.”

Confused, I powered the saber off and secured it at my waist. 

He spread his legs out, still seated. “Walk backwards. Slowly. To me.” 

When I was between his legs, still facing away, I again tried to turn to him, nervous.

“No,” he commanded again. 

I watched in the mirror as he bent over, unlacing my boots, tapping the sides of each calf to indicate I should step out of them. Next, he reached around and unfastened my pants, pulling them down and off of me. I stood, naked from the waist down, facing away from him between his legs. He still sat in the chair behind me, his face blank. 

His eyes met mine in the reflection. “Should I take the rest off?” 

I couldn’t help it when my lips parted, a small intake of breath loud in the silence of the vast room. 

“I think yes,” he purred. 

When I was fully nude, he eased me down to sit on his lap, my back against his front, and opened my legs, leaning me against his chest. The angle had me completely exposed, draped over him. The visual impact of me, naked, pale skin glowing against his black clothes, legs spread to reveal my swollen, pink folds caused a punch of desire in me. I felt myself getting wet, the cool air of the room teasing my exposed sex. 

“Gloves on or off?” His voice sent a tickle of electricity over my skin. 

I remembered the feel of those gloved fingers inside me and shivered. 

“On then. Interesting.” 

I really needed to be mindful of guarding my thoughts. 

The soft, textured leather wandered down my front, grazing over my nipples, my breasts, dancing along my ribcage, smoothing over my soft belly. His hands wandered over my hips, traced along the outside of my legs, and then made a slow, torturous crawl along my inner thighs, casually tracing circles upward. 

My entire focus narrowed to the throb of my sex. I kept flicking my eyes to and from the mirror, both aroused and disturbed to be on display.

One of his arms banded around my middle, while a hand finally stroked my outer folds. A short, relieved sigh escaped me. I hadn’t realized how tense I had become, waiting for him to touch me there. 

As if drawing a picture, he traced every bit of skin, followed every line. I quivered against him, feeling how his fingers started sliding more easily with my growing arousal, slickening. My legs trembled, wanting to clench together. 

“Watch. Watch while I take you apart,” he growled at me. 

The sensation of watching him slip his long middle finger inside me, feeling the cool fabric of the leather was overwhelming. I bit my lip to try and maintain my attention, having trouble seeing and feeling it simultaneously. It was almost as if I were watching someone else in the mirror, and I felt another rush of moisture, my body readying itself for him. 

“So sweet. Pink and swollen for me. Drenched,” he crooned. 

He slid another finger in, running both along my front inner wall. I moaned. As he worked in and out I started to move, riding his hand, wantonly writhing, too overwhelmed to be self-conscious. My hands were clutching at the forearm banded around my chest, using it as leverage to buck up into him. His arousal was thick against my back, my ass rubbing up and down his length. A slow hiss of pleasure came from him, and he bit the soft lobe of my ear.

“Don’t look away,” he murmured. 

A third finger slid in, a burning stretch. My movements were growing more ragged, lustful. He moved my grip to the outside of his thighs, allowing his other hand free. I struggled to hold myself upright, muscles like jelly, the position he had me in allowing for little control. 

He started to slowly circle my clit with his freed hand. I rolled my hips into it, gasping. An impossible pressure was building inside me, the erotic nature of watching him pleasure me dialing the sensations to a terrifying level. My nails were digging into his thighs as I gripped him harder, my chest and cheeks flushed with heat, belly quivering. 

“Look at what I can do to you,” he growled into my ear. “You’re desperate. Helpless.” A brush of his lips in my hair. “Beautiful.” The baritone of his voice was sliding down my spine, tingling. “I can draw this out as long as I want.”

“No, Ben, _please_.” Nothing else existed outside of him, his body against mine, his touch. 

He’d increased the speed and pressure, and I was lost, sobbing and mewling, begging him for release. Any higher order thinking, any logic, had long left me, and I was consumed by my baser needs. 

“Patience,” he soothed. 

The friction slowed, robbing me of release, but still teasing. It was slow and steady, keeping me on the verge, then drawing me back. He did it again and again and again; winding the sensations up tighter each time, never allowing me to release any of the tension. I was sweating, panting, struggling, plastered against his huge body; my muscles so tight I wouldn’t have been shocked if they snapped under the strain. 

I couldn’t draw enough air into my lungs, my vision starting to dim at the corners. Barely recognizing my own body in the mirror, as I thrashed against him, nipples drawn into tight points, breasts heavy, engulfed in sensation. 

“I- I’m begging you- please- I –“ Forming words was difficult.

“Such sweet, breathy moans, little one.” His own breath was labored, hips rubbing up against me, erection throbbing at my back. “Pay attention.” 

I watched as my body bowed, his dark glittering gaze feasting on me as I came. The orgasm was long and intense, whipping me with waves of white hot electricity, my body shuddering and clenching repeatedly for each time he’d denied me. My body went limp as the pleasure faded, my muscles weak and shaking. 

He lifted me onto a higher surface, roughly dragging my hips to the edge. I heard a rustle of clothing, and then his cock was inside me. I was again on display for him, spread out as he frantically thrust into me, his hands at my hips. Jagged edges poked into my back, the plane beneath me hard and bruising. 

“Touch yourself,” he demanded. 

I rested my hand on my clit, hissing at the painfully sensitive bud. “I- I can’t –“ It was swollen and hot, engorged.

“You _can_ ,” he said between clenched teeth, driving in and out of me, his face almost pained. 

I imitated how he had touched me only moments before, circular swirls and varying pressure, shocked at how quickly my body was racing toward another orgasm. He snarled out commands at me, coaching me toward the peak again. My clit was too receptive, the pressure against it almost hurtful, raw. But I found myself responding to the discomfort and the fullness of him inside me. We came at the same time, my inner walls convulsing around his pulsing cock, our groans echoing in the large space. 

Drugged with pleasure, I was in a haze of confusion, skin hypersensitive. The air itself seemed to be tormenting me, my nerve endings enflamed. I didn’t know what to do with my own body, uncomfortable with stillness but somehow still desperate for touch. 

“Don’t move,” he snapped out at me as I tried to sit up. Soft scrapes met my ears as he righted his clothing, steps fading as he moved away from me, returning before I had the chance to become anxious. 

He gently lifted me, setting me on my feet in front of him. Kneeling, he carefully cleaned me with a towel. I cried out at the soft friction, gripping his shoulders, trembling. A soothing noise came from deep in his chest, and he steadied me, reaching for my clothes and dressing me with such unusual care I almost started to cry. 

Standing, he pulled my hair out of what was left of a braid, letting it fall loose around my shoulders. His arms came around me, cradling me to his chest. I was wrung out from what he’d done to me, from all the events of the day. 

“I don’t ever want you to be afraid of me.” It was whispered so quietly I almost thought I’d imagined it. 

I tightened my arms around him, nuzzling my face into his tunic. “I know.” His hand was stroking down my hair, a light, pleasant touch. 

We stood like that, silently, for a long time.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short Leia POV

Leia stood on a small, lush green hill, leaning heavily into her cane, staring out at the young, expectant faces before her.

“Our mission was successful,” she began, “but it was not without cost.” Meeting each and every pair of eyes, she continued. “Ours is not a victory of might, but of right. Both peace and freedom. That cost is always high. We can never choose the path of submission or surrender, or even of silence. For to be silent is to be complicit in the agenda of the oppressor. The hopes and prayers of so many rest with us, and it can be a heavy load to bear. But we must bear it. Let us take this day to mourn and remember the many that we have lost, both today and in the days past. Tomorrow, we resolve to fight again.” 

Soft murmurs of agreement and thanks met her ears as people embraced each other and milled softly around the piles of stones that had been hastily erected, representing the seven lives lost in the recent battle. Leia heard Poe break out the alcohol, calling for a toast of his fallen comrades. She couldn’t help but smile. There would be a fair amount of hangovers in the morning, but the healing would begin as they shared memories of their fallen friends. 

Chewbacca was at the edge of the crowd, his furry arms around a sobbing Rose, whining softly as he stroked her hair. Maz was speaking to Connix, who was still reeling from the knowledge that Kylo Ren- Leia’s _son_ \- had crushed the X-wings out of the sky with a mere thought. Maz had revealed after their arrival that many of them now knew the connection between her and the Supreme Leader- and had for some time. Leia rarely saw Connix shaken. She made a mental note to check in with her in the morning. 

Finn was standing far off, near the cave, his thoughtful eyes trained on her. Leia made her way toward him carefully, placing a comforting hand on several shoulders as she passed through the small crowd. 

“I think it’s time we spoke,” she said, “about the Force.”

Finn nodded, face serious. “I’ve been- feeling certain things. At first it was confusing, but lately-,” he shook his head, “it’s beginning to make more sense. What Han said to Rey and I that first day we met. He told us it was all true, the magical power holding together good and evil, the dark side and the light.” His eyes lowered. 

“It surrounds us, penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. An energy field that is created by all living things.”

“So, everyone has it? Can sense it?” Finn frowned, confused. 

Leia smiled. “It is part of all of us. Ever-present. I believe each person experiences it in their own way. But there are people who are more sensitive to it, who are attuned and able to wield it. Like Rey.”

“You, and your son.” 

“Yes.” Leia sensed Finn’s struggle to keep the malice from his heart where it concerned Kylo Ren. 

“The only other person aside from you and me, now _he_ has her. I was unconscious when she healed Poe, but when I came out; I felt her in the same way I used to feel Rey; and then she left, too. To go to _him_.” Finn spat out the final word, bitterness dripping from it. 

“It is only the four of us, now, that I know of.” Leia said simply. 

“What does that mean?” 

“There is always a tension. Light and Dark. When we talk of balance- the better word would be harmony. The Jedi sought to defeat the Sith, and any Dark side users, to bring harmony to the Force, as it is connected to all living things. They saw the Dark side as a misuse of the Force, something that went against nature.” Leia gestured at the sky, still filled with the sun’s rays. “However, without the dark, we are unable to see the stars. Without death, feeding new life, that harmony would also be disrupted.” 

“So, it’s just never-ending. This fight. To keep harmony.” His voice was dejected, defeated.

“It can feel that way. Luke tried to remove himself from the equation, all those years ago. But it ultimately changed nothing. It’s not the Dark and the Light that cause these conflicts. It’s the larger systems. The galaxy is a vast place, and not everyone will agree.” She smiled, thinking of her time in the Senate, all the competing needs, values, beliefs. 

Finn seemed to consider her words. “But I could help. Help the Resistance, if I knew how.”

Leia nodded.

“Will you teach me?” Finn took a step towards her, hope in his eyes.

“Yes.”

“When do we start?” Finn’s excitement was palpable.

Leia grinned. “We already have.”


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More smut. Just because.

Ren observed her through the doorway from his seat at the dining table. She had taken another shower, was now padding around the bedroom, humming and combing out her wet hair, dressed in soft, loose pants and his old sweater. She had commandeered the item of clothing, preferring to lounge in that rather than the other garments he’d procured for her. Ren found he didn’t mind, liking her comfortable in their space. 

He considered what occurred in the training room only an hour ago. She was inclined toward submission. It was too tempting. He hadn’t meant to edge her quite that intensely, but it fed some deep need inside him, taking over her body, watching what he could do to her. Making her watch herself as he did whatever he pleased. He’d argued with himself that giving her physical pleasure would help make up for his – less than ideal behavior. What else did he have to give her but that?

Internally, he was a disaster. The arrival of the Resistance, his mother, that damn pilot - he’d lost it. He had never felt the power of the Dark that strongly. Perhaps that was what Snoke had been pushing him toward, what he’d seen. 

_Raw, untamed power._

Ren dismissed the voice of his old master. He was his own master now. There were many things that needed to be figured out and he couldn’t allow himself to go that far again, not until she was fully with him. Perhaps they would explore that darker terrain together. 

For now, he needed to find a port in the storm. A place to rest where he was still able to access those older parts of himself, to soothe her and reassure her, keep her with him; seduce her into caring for him again. But he knew the darkness within him needed to be fed. 

He needed the cave at Mustafar; so he might meditate on his next steps. 

“I’ll be gone for a day or so.” His voice cut through her quiet humming, and she stopped, walking through into the dining area. 

“Where are you going?” Those eyes were curious.

Waving his hand dismissively, he replied, “Nowhere important.” A lie. 

She chewed her lip nervously, still smoothing through her hair with the comb. 

“I’ll task a protocol droid for you- to help with the texts. You can use the training room; with an escort, of course. Today was an unfortunate oversight.” Luckily, she had chosen not to take advantage of being able to roam the ship freely, having headed right to the training room, even contacting him as she used to before; letting him know where she was so he wouldn’t worry.

Always so thoughtful. 

“You – you won’t be gone long?” A slight frown marred her smooth forehead.

“Just over a day,” he reassured her. Could it be she might miss him? “I’m leaving tonight.” He held out his hand and motioned for her to approach him. 

She obeyed instantly. Easily. He stood up, towered over her small form, leaning down to take her mouth with his, looping his arm around her mid-back. What was meant to be brief turned into something- tender. She was on her tiptoes, balancing against him, chasing his lips each time he tried to pull away, giving him yet another small kiss of affection; drawing him out. Ren felt the sweet tug of her, his chest filling with warmth. Utterly captivated, he couldn’t seem to make himself stop, her very nature somehow lifting the fog from his mind. 

He needed to taste her again. Wanted to hear those breathy, eager cries from her throat while he pleasured her. Roughly, he bent, clumsily lifting her up against him with one hand while his other arm swiped the contents of the dining table onto the floor with a loud clatter. Pushing her back on the table, he shoved the chair away and knelt in front of her, yanking her bottoms off with one fierce tug and spreading her thighs. 

Shocked, she had propped herself up on her elbows, looking down at him with shock. “Ben- what-“

“Dessert,” he said, and clamped his mouth on her already wet pussy. She was aroused just from the mere kisses they’d shared. He growled as he lapped his tongue through her folds. 

“Oh, gods…” Ren heard her head hit the table, saw out of the corner of his eyes her hands gripping its edges. 

Her center was soft, blushing in sunset shades of pink. He enjoyed it with long, slow licks; her scent a mingle of almond and musk, causing his cock to harden even more. Shifting, he unclasped his trousers and freed his long length from the confines of the fabric, gripping himself with his hand to start a slow friction. 

“Such a pretty, petite cunt, little one.” Ren nipped at her carefully with his teeth, eliciting a gasp, peeking up at her to see her chest flush, rising and falling with her rapid breaths. The sight stiffened him even more, and he felt some liquid spill from the tip of his dick. He needed to be inside her.

Struggling to focus, Ren moved his mouth to suction over her hood, seeking the small, sensitive bud hiding beneath. She cried out, bucking into his face as he sucked and tongued her, while continuing to pleasure himself, his own hand moving more desperately as the volume of her moans intensified. _He_ did this to her, took her to a place where she lost her shyness, lost all sense of modesty, a creature awash in physical sensation.

He felt her orgasm as her thighs clenching, the tiny muscles contracting her folds, another hot wash of slick warm against his mouth, his name a litany on her lips. 

Standing, he harshly yanked her to sit on the edge of the table and lifted her up. “Grab my shoulders,” he barked, his own voice a stranger to his ears. When she did, he cupped his hands under her ass and lifted, slamming her down on his engorged member, holding up her weight.

A painful cry escaped her as she scrambled to find purchase on his body, the position forcing him into her, gravity helping to root him into her tightness.

“Ben- Ben- it’s too much. You’re too big,” she whimpered, her nails digging into his shoulders, unable to help the series of sounds emanating from her, the noises indicating both discomfort and pleasure. 

Ren adjusted his grip on her, alleviating some of the pressure. It felt so good to be this deep in her, the sensitive head of his penis clicking against her cervix, her walls spasming as she tried to accommodate his length inside her. 

“You can take it.” His hands squeezed into the softness of her ass. “Ride me.”

She met his eyes as her thighs clamped more securely around him, her hands digging into his shoulders to leverage her as she started to move, her pupils blown out, mouth slightly open as she panted. He helped her, letting her set the tempo at first, but he found he couldn’t be patient. 

She clung to him as he hammered into her, rushing to his own release. He heard her desperate mewls as she came, going limp in his hold, her tiny body trembling against his. 

Ren lifted her, slipping out of her and letting her slide down his tall form to the floor. He was still mostly clothed, so he quickly tucked himself into his pants and zipped up.

Lifting his head, he met her clouded gaze. She swayed slightly, one hand braced on the surface behind her, cheeks red, her still-damp hair plastered to her neck. He adored the look of her after sex, so vulnerable and amazed, like she wasn’t quite sure what had hit her. Ren watched her clumsily pull her bottoms back on.

“You won’t cause any trouble while I’m gone?” His voice was huskier, deeper than usual. Almost – affectionate. 

He was rewarded with a blush. “No.” She leaned into his chest, lightly nudging him with her nose, beginning to come back to herself. 

Regrettably, he couldn’t remember how to tease her like he used to. Couldn’t recall what it felt like to be that playful, light. Unencumbered. 

His chest hurt with emotions he could no longer name, but he knew they were dangerous. She had such power over him already. How had he allowed that to happen?

“Good.” Ren moved away quickly, overcome. “I’ll see you in a day or so.”

He fled from her like the coward he knew he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the comments, kudos, and bookmarks! :) 
> 
> I am slowing down a little in terms of writing speed. I've tried to stay about 10,000 words ahead of myself so I can update several chapters at a time, have time to re-read and try to edit, and also make sure the story isn't going off the rails (too much). 
> 
> However, work has been really burning me out lately, and this week is going to be really busy for me, so if you haven't commented but are enjoying what I'm writing, consider leaving one- it really does help motivate me!


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV.

Poe was propped up against a supply trunk in the caves, surrounded by the passed-out bodies of his fellow pilots. He took another swig of whiskey, the cheap liquor burning his throat. Closing his eyes, he struck his head against the heavy plasteel of the container behind him, over and over. For some reason, he could never get quite drunk enough to forget. 

After each new battle, the insomnia got worse, a highlight reel of all his failings, the pilots he’d lost while in command. His capture by the First Order, Ren’s dark talons sliding into his mind, him helpless to avoid betraying his friends. 

He just wanted quiet.

Exiting the cave, he stared out at Lah’mu. The sea glittered, the moonlight dancing on the water, inviting, soothing. He made his way down the rocky slope, headed to the vast expanse of the black sand beach. It used to be that he never wanted to be alone, loved the chaos of the Resistance, the forced close quarters. Now, he found himself isolating more and more. 

Lowering himself onto the cool sand, he listened to the water lap at the land, crashing gently, the tide consistent. 

“It’s beautiful.” 

Poe startled, looking up. Some of the heaviness in his chest eased at the sight of her. She was standing next to him, her hair damp and loose around her face, gaze soft as she took in the water.

Then his mood soured, noting the large black sweater draped over her body. Ren’s, no doubt. Something dark twisted in him. “How’s your Supreme Leader? Tired after his performance today?”

Her head shook. “He had to leave. Didn’t tell me where he was going; just that he’d be away for a day or so.” 

“How polite of him to keep you informed of his whereabouts.” He could taste the bile in his mouth. 

“Don’t do bitter, Poe. It doesn’t become you.” Her shoulders had stiffened, but she remained facing the water. 

“Don’t lecture me. He killed-“

“I’m aware of what he did. I stopped him. He almost killed me for my trouble.”

Poe blinked up at her. “ _You_ stopped him?” 

She finally turned to meet his gaze, her eyes hard. “Why do you think you didn’t all end up like that? Ben could have easily kept going. Planned on it, in fact.” 

“Why do you insist on calling him that?” 

Something ticked in her jaw. “I have to believe he’s not completely gone. Not yet.”

“Somehow today didn’t prove that he’s insane?”

“I pulled him back!” She snapped, yelling. 

“Not before he crushed four X-wings like they were tin toys!” Poe knew he was being unreasonable, his frustration and anger displaced, but he couldn’t stop the venom spewing from his mouth. “Perhaps you should try harder next time! Move a little _faster,_ maybe?!”

“You’re a complete dick when you’re drunk, anyone else ever told you that, Dameron?” Tears shone on her cheeks, more pooling in her eyes, spilling over despite her obvious attempts to stop them. 

“Shit.” Poe pulled himself up, moving to her. She eyed him warily through her tears. He couldn’t blame her. He _was_ being a dick. To someone who didn’t deserve it. 

“It’s fine.” Her face turned away from him, arms crossing her chest protectively. “Bad day.”

“I’m sorry, babe.” Poe closed the short distance between them, his chest bumping into her shoulder, hand stroking her hair. 

Eyes downcast, she swung her face back to him. The tears glimmered on her lashes, and before he even knew what he was doing, he kissed the salty water from her face. When he delicately licked another tear falling down her cheek, he heard her breath catch, and she raised her lids to meet his eyes. Carefully, concerned she might bolt, he pressed his lips to hers softly. 

She shocked him by leaning into his kiss. He chuckled. “I probably taste like a distillery.”

Unconcerned, she licked at the seam of his mouth and caressed his tongue with hers, deepening the contact. Poe grasped her elbows and turned her into him, pulling her arms around him. Hooking her thumbs in the loops of his belt, she pulled their hips flush, a slow sigh leaving her mouth as he pressed her into his chest. 

Poe marveled at how real she felt. He knew, logically, that she was light years away, somewhere on the _Steadfast_ , but his senses were telling him that she was in front of him, their bodies hot against each other. Her skin was soft, scented with vanilla, damp and fresh like she’d recently showered. Little noises were coming from her as he gripped her tighter to him, breaking the kiss to nuzzle into her throat.

“Oh.” A tiny gasp as his beard rasped against the delicate flesh of her neck. 

Poe smiled. “You like the beard?”

“Yes.” He felt her shiver as he ran the scruff against her again.

“You know, there are- other places on your body I’d love to bury my face in; see if I can make you gasp and shiver,” he whispered in her ear.

Her hands contracted, still resting on his belt, her hips canting into his. 

“That’s one,” he hummed.

“I- we can’t. I can’t.” Small hands shoved him, and he watched her retreat an additional few steps, one hand still held out at him, warding him off. 

Poe tried to control his frustration, all too aware of why she was denying the attraction between them. “Because of _him_?”

“This isn’t who I am, a person who-” she struggled for words, “I’m loyal. It isn’t right, and it’s not fair to anyone. I don’t like to keep secrets.”

“‘I don’t like to keep secrets’- says the most secretive, closed-off person I’ve ever met,” he replied, eyes rolling. 

“Not these kinds of secrets, going behind someone’s back, betraying their trust,” she argued.

“Ben’s trust.” Poe couldn’t help the bitterness dripping from his words each time he mentioned Kylo Ren, Ben, _whoever_ the hell the man was. 

“He doesn’t deserve that.” Her voice was caring, face smoothing into sadness. 

“The Supreme Leader of the First Order doesn’t deserve to have his trust violated? How is that even a consideration?” Poe couldn’t decide if she was the kindest person he’d ever met, or if Ren was starting to really get to her, manipulating her past affections for him into some sort of twisted loyalty. 

“It just is. I’m aware that doesn’t make any sense to you.” Her tone was exasperated, hands flung out to her sides.

Poe didn’t want to be arguing with her. He was just so damn exhausted. 

She seemed to share that sentiment, voice soft as she spoke again. “I’m glad you’re okay.” 

He shot her a wry smile. “Yeah.”

As suddenly as she appeared, she was gone again. Poe let himself collapse back down onto the dark sand, grabbing blindly for the whiskey bottle he’d dropped earlier. He examined the remaining contents. Substantial. 

Raising it to the sky, a bitter snicker sounded from him. “To not betraying the Supreme Leader’s trust.”

Then he chugged the bottle. 


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren POV/Reader POV (alternating)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A reminder that Kylo Ren is not a nice man, and I love angst.

I’d felt the _Steadfast_ jump to hyperspace shortly after Ben left. I could sense him still on the ship, although I didn’t bother to pinpoint his exact whereabouts. He’d made it pretty clear that he wanted to be away from me with the speed in which he’d left, and I was smarting from the rejection. 

Despite the risk, I had been too concerned about the Resistance to wait any longer. I had needed to check in. 

I had needed to know it wasn’t Poe’s X-wing that Ben had crushed.

The interaction had gone poorly. Poe was drunk and bitter, and although I couldn’t begrudge him those feelings, it was a side of him I hadn’t seen before. He always teased, had a cocky, light nature that drew people to him. I was beginning to wonder what that covered up. 

Additionally, my body couldn’t seem to make up its mind what it wanted. The second I’d seen him, sitting on the black sand beach, the planes of his face illuminated with the glow of the moon, I’d felt my body tighten. He’d grown out his scruff into a thick beard, and the scrape of it against my neck had been electric, almost making me forget what had occurred with Ben in the dining room. 

Almost being the operative word. I was horrified with myself, moving so easily against another man in such short a time. Which had led to another angry exchange. Again- who could blame him? I was sending mixed messages, acting out of character, out of control. 

I could feel what was happening. Spending so much time near Ben’s split nature was rending me apart as well. Mirroring his emotions was like breathing to me, and whether I was consciously aware of it or not, he was having a profound impact on me. Half of me wanted to submit fully, to lie prostrate before him and do whatever it took to please him, no matter the cost. The other half was putting up a fight, arguing that would result in a complete loss of autonomy, and a vast betrayal to myself. 

Poe might be angry, confused, upset with me- but he wouldn’t want me to ever betray myself. That much I knew. Ben, on the other hand, just wanted what he wanted. 

My mind was beginning to feel like a prison, and over the past few days sometimes I wondered if I was just a tenant inside my body, paying rent. The dissociative sensations weren’t something I typically struggled with- but Ben did. 

Maybe some time apart would benefit both of us. In the chaos of the past day, he’d appeared to forget to question me about what I’d been hiding, but I’d again used whatever skill it was today, despite his proximity. No doubt he would question me, and win. 

_You could tell him the truth._ It was a coaxing sing-song of a statement. Despite how my skin crawled a little at the tone, I _could_ tell him. At least I could tell him part of what I was doing. He would be angry with me for warning the Resistance, but if I didn’t specify to whom I had been appearing to…by heading this off I would have more control over the outcome. It would also ease my conscience. 

Surprisingly, a feeling of lightness came over me. No more lies. A few half-truths, but that I would live with. 

I’d tell him when he returned. For now, I’d sleep.

_________________________________________________________________________

I’d forgotten how much I hated working with protocol droids. After an exhausting morning, I’d sent the damn thing away, desiring some peace and quiet.

We had started with the _Rammahgon_ , which was in an ancient Coremaic. The texts were dense, and from what I’d managed to understand so far, there were several competing fables about the origins of the Force. I was especially drawn to the second of the four. 

_There was nothing. And then everything. What was once whole was rent asunder, and there was Sol and Luna, who lived in balance and harmony, but ever apart. Sol, bright and light, proud and righteous, fire in the sky, and Luna, cool and dark, soft and gentle, a sparkle. In their loneliness, each created children. After many millennia, Sol and Luna faded away, Sol burning out, Luna unable to glow without him. Their respective progeny left to populate the skies without them._

_But the children of Sol and Luna were without wisdom. A great conflict brewed. The youngest of them all, a child of Luna, with compassion in her heart, urged peace. Her siblings, unwilling to hear of balance, exiled her._

_So, the children of Sol battled the children of Luna, laying waste to the beauty of creation in their combat. The children of Sol defeated the children of Luna,_ _inheriting the vast openness, hearts hollow from the emptiness their victory had wrought, and the children of Sol were corrupted by the suffering they inflicted. For when they had slain the children of Luna they had also slain themselves, as all are One._

_And so then there was Light and Dark, Time and Oblivion, Life and Death. The children of Sol forgot who they had been, and spread out amongst the stars, only half of themselves, blind to the threads that bind. Cursed to battle forever._

_Only the lone child of Luna, lost in the Between remembers, the victors forever deaf to her cries of grief and rage. She waits at the Edges, destruction in her heart._

Softly, I traced the page, the drawings faded, lost in thought. This interpretation felt different, unlike the stories Master Luke had told us. In this, the moon, the darkness, was gentle and kind, neither Light or Dark inherently wrong, but different- each flawed in their own way. One blind in victory, one embittered in loss. 

A deep sadness swelled in me at the thought of the lone child of Luna, exiled. Abandoned. Her compassion turned to rage and bitterness. The more I thought on it, the colder I grew, a shiver inside me. 

_It’s only a story._ I reassured myself, trying to shake off the weird sense of dread that was encasing me. 

Still, hours later, there was a pit of nausea in my stomach that refused to ease. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Ren felt her anxiety. The _Steadfast_ was orbiting Mustafar; he had initially planned to take a smaller vessel, but he couldn’t bear the thought of being too far from her. Pryde hadn’t balked at the sudden change of course, still too focused on the repairs which could ultimately be done anywhere. 

Landing the TIE smoothly on the small tarmac, he strode into the bleak, crumbling tower. Cords of neon-orange lightening snaked in all directions, the entire planet hissing and groaning with the intense subterranean heat. The air crackled, dry as dust, all humidity scorched from the atmosphere. The planet itself was unstable, bucking with the eruptions. Ren had commissioned the fortress restored, beginning with the gravity supports under the building. The façade remained broken, but the aesthetic suited the location.

The planet itself was young and volatile, constantly being ripped apart by the gravitational forces of two gas giants, each wanting to pull Mustafar to them. It was a planetary model of the constant battle that he felt waging inside himself, stripped raw by two opposing forces, never allowed to remain still.

Ren had slain the Alazmec of Winsit in order to reclaim the sanctum shortly after Snoke’s death. The lightning storms that raged above made it an ideal refuge, larger ships unable to land as there were few ways to navigate safely down. 

Hux had referred to it as a “desolate hellscape”, but that couldn’t be further from the truth, as the planet teemed with life around him, a locus for the Dark side. The cave beneath the giant structure steadied him, whispering to him of passion and power and pain. 

Ren headed to that cave now, striding through the opulent halls, richly furnished and at odds with his usual spartan living quarters. Perhaps he hadn’t known it at the time, but he’d remodeled the inside for _her_ , part of him aware that she wasn’t gone. A dark palace, a shrine, perhaps even a home if she would only turn to him, embrace the shadowy part of herself and rule with him. His steps stuttered, wanting to show her this place he’d designed. 

The cave would wait.

__________________________________________________________________________________

MB-222 had interrupted my second attempt with the protocol droid. 

“The Supreme Leader requests your presence on the planet. Immediately.” 

Shocked, I’d complied, following him to a hanger bay, anxiety twisting my insides. Maybe he’d remembered that he’d been cut short by the attack and wanted to question me? 

I guess I’d be telling him slightly sooner than anticipated. 

Exiting the small transport, I couldn’t deny the savage beauty before me, distracting me from my worries. A structure towered over me, a font of lava flowing from its depths like a waterfall of flame. At the halfway point of the long bridge leading to the tower was Ben. 

His hair and cape were ruffled by the hot wind, the orange-red glow illuminating half of his face, the other in deep shadow, his energy blending perfectly with the eruptive nature of his surroundings. Like he belonged. 

I sensed the pull of the Dark, deep within the planet. The energy of this place clashed with mine, and I felt a trickle of sweat on the back of my neck. 

Hesitating at the door of the transport, I struggled with fear. There was so much volcanic activity, lakes of fire bubbling in the distance. Nightmares had plagued me when I was a child. It had seemed a silly thing to be distressed by- being chased by volcanoes. But standing here now, perhaps there had been wisdom in my young fears. 

A small noise of dismay escaped me. My body was frozen in place. I watched a frown dance across Ben’s face, and he strode forward. 

“You’re afraid.” His gloved hand smoothed over my face. 

Embarrassed, I shook my head. “No, it’s only- it’s _ridiculous_.” I looked down and twisted my hands together. “I had nightmares about volcanoes as a child.” 

He didn’t mask the surprise that arrowed through him, with an odd edge of panic. “You never told me.”

I shrugged. “It was an unfounded fear. This is the first time I’ve been near an actual volcano.” I gazed across the barren landscape. “It’s beautiful. Beautiful and terrifying.” _Like you,_ I almost added.

If he’d caught that thought, he didn’t indicate, and simply offered me his arm. I took it, and allowed him to escort me down the long bridge and through the colossal doors. 

From the look of the outside, I had expected a wreck indoors, just a hollow husk of an aged building. What I encountered was breathtaking, and I gasped. 

“I had it refashioned. For- us. I may not have been aware in the moment that’s what I was doing, but being back here, after finding you. It’s all clear.” He sighed. “I had no idea that you would be so upset by it.”

Something in his tone touched me, and I was moved to reassure him. “It was an old childhood fear. It’s time I got over it, anyway.”

The floors were a rough-hewn stone, the deep grey tones somehow softening the ragged edges. Tall, long windows offered stunning views of the unforgiving terrain outside, so the interior was luminescent with the light of the lava. Heavy brocade fabric hung between the clear glass, threads of gold winking from the textured black patterning. I moved away from him to run my hands over the lush cloth, wanting to take in the space with all of my senses. 

The interior was cool despite the roiling inferno outside, and I was glad of it. 

Clusters of seating were assembled in the grand space, and I half expected courtiers to pop out of the walls to stand and gossip in groups, whispering and plotting. All of the furniture was gold, grey and black, covered in luscious fabrics in all types of patterns. Chandeliers hung from the high ceilings, onyx crystals glittering. I experimentally draped myself on a long chaise, smiling. I’d always loved these older pieces; they reminded me of stories where women would dramatically faint on them, scandalized and overwhelmed by some plot device. Ben’s mouth quirked slightly at the edge as I popped up from the seat and continued to explore. 

“Testing its efficiency for dramatic fainting spells?” He intoned. 

“Well, it wouldn’t be proper or safe to faint on an untested chaise,” I countered. No matter how many times I tried to remind myself, my guard was permanently down around him, and he plucked my thoughts out of the air as if they were written before his eyes. 

Through a large opening to my right was a dining room fit for royalty, with the longest table I had ever seen gracing its center. Peering curiously around, I noted a set of large swinging doors, most likely attached to a kitchen. Yet another scene from a book; I could see the long table with a full spread, servants bustling, everyone dressed in finery. 

Continuing farther into the palatial space, there was a stunning, wrought iron spiral staircase, and I spied arched doorways on the second floor. 

“Private quarters.” Ben said, noting the direction of my gaze. 

This was the palace of a dark prince. I couldn’t picture myself here. It was no doubt magnificent, but also impersonal, almost forbidding in its majesty. Then again, Ben _was_ a prince, of Alderaan. I didn’t think it mattered that the planet had been destroyed. 

Now, he was Supreme Leader. 

He watched me carefully, and I was glad to be shielding my thoughts again, unwilling to hurt his feelings. Clearly some time and care had been put into the design. Even if I couldn’t imagine living here, he appeared comfortable. 

I wandered up the spiraling steps, and he followed close behind me, only a few breaths from touching me. 

Several bedrooms, two positively mammoth refreshers, and a sitting room were all connected to one another. The spaces were smaller but no less appointed. As I reached the end of the hall, I found myself disappointed, as each had the rigid, unwelcoming feel of the first floor. At the very least, I’d hoped whatever room he stayed in would have been different. 

The castle was gorgeous, but hopelessly remote. I supposed I shouldn’t have been surprised, as the man before me was both those things and more. Towering, intimidating, savage, removed. It was all a reflection of him- this was Kylo Ren’s house; none of Ben Solo was here. 

“It’s stunning.” Which it was, undoubtedly. 

“Do you like it?” His dark eyes pierced into me. 

“I would be afraid to touch anything. It’s so new.” Not a lie, but a half-truth.

Ben seemed to accept that with a small shrug. “I haven’t had much time or reason to be here. You don’t like the recycled air of the _Steadfast_ , the false chrono-cycles. I wanted you to know there’s somewhere else for us to go.”

I couldn’t help but soften at that, as I’d never once said anything about my dislike of the giant destroyer. Yet he’d noticed. This wasn’t exactly the planet I’d choose to visit, but I sensed the ease he felt here- perhaps I could make it work, in small doses. The level of alignment this place had with the Dark side would be more challenging for me than him. I took his hand in mine, threading my fingers with his. “Thank you for showing me.” 

“You could stay down here with me, for tonight.”

I observed him cautiously. “When you left before you seemed eager for space.”

“It didn’t last long. I don’t like being very far from you.”

Ben’s tone was matter-of-fact, but there was a thread of vulnerability buried under the admission, the usual tone of possessiveness gone. How odd, especially in this place, the oily black power of the Dark so close, that he would make such a statement of feeling. 

Guilt ate at me. It was time. “I have something I’d like to confess.”

He stilled, our hands still clasped. 

“I warned the Resistance.”

I was cruelly pressed against the wide window of the sitting room before I’d even finished the sentence. Terror swamped me, as beneath this set of windows a wide, lazy flow of lava ran. What if he cracked the glass? Tears welled in my eyes. Maybe all those nightmares had been premonitions of my death. Ben’s brown eyes reflected the glow, his hand on my throat. More afraid of the death river below, I clutched at him, trying to get closer despite the rage in his glare.

“How?” He snapped at me.

My reply was breathy, a combination of the pressure at my throat and my rising panic about the window cracking. “I’m not entirely sure how to explain it. I just- I _appear_. It was happening when I was asleep, but yesterday I did it on purpose.”

“To warn them. That’s what you were doing just before the attack.” His chest was heaving.

“Yes.” 

“Where did you get the information?”

“A mole. They left a note with my breakfast- I don’t know who it is, that was the first time they made contact with me.” I didn’t have enough information to put the mole in danger, so there was no harm in telling Ben whatever details he wanted. 

His hand relaxed a fraction of an inch, and he eased us back toward the center of the room. Maybe he wasn’t that upset? I could tell him what I knew, it would clear the air between us and be over with.

“Oh, that’s a naïve thought, little one,” he crooned. He swapped his grip to one of my wrists and dragged me out to the hall and down the metal stairs, headed to a door I hadn’t previously seen. More stairs, older, made of stone, twisted down. It became hotter the farther down we went and I began to panic anew. 

The room below came into view, and I screamed. 

“No!” I managed to get out of his grasp and scramble upward, but his hand shot out, grabbing my ankle, tripping me. My cheekbone hit a corner of the stairs and I cried out in pain, but continued to struggle. 

The heat was from lava. The cave beneath had two parallel rivers flowing, with a very low platform running between them. I couldn’t, wouldn’t be that close to the flow. The heat alone would kill me. “Ben, please, please. I told you. I hated lying to you. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Just, don’t make me go down there.” The Dark was even more intense here, writhing with power, smothering me. This place was evil.

“Perhaps you should have thought of the consequences before you betrayed me,” he said, his tone flat. “It won’t kill you. It’s partially shielded. I’ve been down here many times.” 

He swept me into his arms, and I stilled, too afraid to struggle the closer we came to the platform. I buried my face in his shoulder, squeezing my eyes shut. My heart pounded in my chest, my stomach roiled. The heat was immense, dry air stinging my already dry throat, burning my lungs. I couldn’t breathe. I was going to pass out. This was worse than my nightmares, because _he_ was doing it to me. Was it possible to be so afraid you couldn’t cry?

On top of my own distress, I could feel his rage as well. The acute sting of betrayal, a desire to punish me- no, not just punish, _break_ me. He had the perfect landscape with which to do so. 

I was set on a hard surface of some sort, but I kept my eyes shut, barely hanging on _without_ seeing what was all around me. But he moved away from me and I was forced to open them. 

I was sitting on a stone alter like a pagan lamb ready for slaughter. It was on a round dais, the lava on all sides. I shuddered. Ben was stepping across a bridge to the wider platform we’d walked down just seconds ago. Frantically, I realized what was about it happen, just as the bridge moved, leaving me on top of the alter, trapped on all sides by the volcanic flow. 

“Please don’t leave me here.” My voice was a desperate whisper.

“Take some time to think about the choice you made. Whose side you’re on.” 

“Let me explain.” I begged. 

“Excuses.” He turned his back to me and walked away. 

A part of me couldn’t believe it. Ben would never leave me this way. Ever. But I thought back to the night on Yavin 4. He’d abandoned me then; fires raging all around me. Not so different. 

Shaking, crying, rigid with fear, I started to scream for him anyway. He needed to come back, come get me. My vision was flooded with the red glow of the lava, sizzling all around me. No escape. 

Just like a nightmare. What if there was an eruption? What if the river went higher, spilled onto the dais? What If the shielding he mentioned failed and I was burned alive? The what-ifs spun in my head, drowning out logic or calm. 

I screamed and screamed and screamed. 

But he didn’t come back. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

She needed to be taught a lesson. That’s what he continued to tell himself as her screaming intensified. He couldn’t go down there now. A Master was not to show weakness. He would be failing both of them to cut this short. She had to understand that her loyalty to him must be absolute, that he wouldn’t tolerate anything else. 

_This isn’t right. Go get her._ Ren couldn’t believe how strong that voice still was, even here. Weakness, sentiment. It had all poured into him after he’d killed Han Solo, splitting him in half. Somehow, he’d never fully recovered from it, and the Light continued to call to him. 

_Mercy. Have mercy on her. Listen to her. If she didn’t hate you before, you’re certainly pushing her there now._

He couldn’t. There was no going back now, not after all these years, all the things he’d done. No forked path for him. No forgiveness or mercy for him. He gripped his head, her anguished cries splitting his skull open. 

She would accept him for who he was now or nothing at all. 

But he still made himself sit on the bottom step, made himself suffer with her, wouldn’t allow himself to go too far from her.

Just in case. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update- I usually try to have it out by Mondays, but I got behind.
> 
> Also, this fic is waaaaaaay longer than I planned on. So thank you for sticking with me on this journey! 
> 
> I am still not sure how many words/chapters this will end up being, I do have an idea for the ending, but I also have an idea for two other alternate endings, so I may write the first, and then make notes for which chapter you can split off from this original piece to go to another work for a different ending.
> 
> Is that nuts? I might not be able to pull it off, but I like the idea of an almost "choose your own adventure" vibe once it's all done.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia POV

Leia gripped her chest, overwhelmed by sudden waves of fear, anxiety, rage, and betrayal. Normally, she would pick up on something from Ben now and again, but the intensity of him had ratcheted up since he’d taken his old flame from Ajan Kloss. But these energies belonged to both of them. She couldn’t sort out what emotion belonged to which person. 

Finn stopped his forms, setting the wooden saber down and hurrying to her. “General-, “he took her arm gently, helping her to lower to the grass.

“I’m okay,” she reassured him. “I sensed something- someone. They were in a great deal of pain.” They were still in pain. 

Finn frowned. “I don’t feel anything- should I go back to base? Is something wrong there?”

Leia smiled. “No, no. All is well here.” She didn’t mention how rare it was to be picking up on things from such a great distance. 

“Maybe you should rest. You’ve been out here with me every day.” His concern washed over her, a cool balm. 

He was such a kind man, their Finn. “Nonsense. It only took me by surprise.” The sensations were already fading, echoes, each one less intense like ripples over water. 

As Leia knew she would, Maz appeared, cresting the hill, her steps short but quick. 

“Maz will sit with me. Go back to practicing.” Shooing him away, Leia made herself more comfortable on the damp ground. 

“You felt it, too,” she said to Maz as the small woman plopped down with ease next to her.

“Yes.” The tone was grave. 

They both observed Finn as he resumed his forms. 

“He’s doing well,” Maz commented. 

Leia nodded. “He’s a quick learner. Impatient, though.”

“He’s young.”

“All of us are young compared to you,” Leia teased. 

“Ah, but this one. He’s a new soul.” Maz took her goggles off, and squinted at Finn. Leia wondered what those old eyes saw when they looked at people. “Shiny.” 

Leia laughed. “You know, I never quite thought of him that way, but he is that.” A sad expression crossed her face. “I think this lifetime might tarnish him a little.”

“We all have our lessons to learn.” Maz shifted, slipping the goggles back on. “Has Poe heard from our girl?”

“A few days ago. She came late the other night, briefly. He was more circumspect about the details- and he was hungover. I don’t think it went well.” Leia sighed. 

“It’s not my usual way, but I’m tempted to intervene. Her connection to us – to Poe, it needs to continue. Your son is too powerful a force to stand against alone.” Maz sighed. “She needs to know we’re still here.”

“They’re all terrified of him. Of Ben. Seeing those X-wings…they’re spooked. I can hardly blame them.” It had terrified her. Thankfully, it was only Maz who had been sensitive enough to truly feel what had happened in those short moments, the sheer weight of the darkness.

“They don’t blame you,” Maz reassured her. 

“Perhaps they should. I failed my son.” Before Maz could reply, Leia raised her voice to carry, calling to Finn. “Watch your alignment- shoulders over hips over feet!”

Finn made the correction, continuing. 

“Your son made his own choices. Has his own path to walk.” As usual, Maz’s voice carried a gentle truth. 

Leia felt a small pressure in her eyes, the threat of tears. “Why did it have to be that path?”

“We each have a reason for being. A purpose. Some of us get lost along the way.”

“Is he, lost? Perhaps there is some other purpose he’s not fulfilling?” Maybe this was simply a detour, a horrible mistake. 

“Only he can answer that.” 

Leia knew she may never get the chance to see her son again, let alone ask him. She was so tired. Too many people lost in such a short time. Han, Rey, Luke…

Maz bounced upright beside her, calling out to Finn. “Hey, kiddo! Use some of those muscles and help the General back to base.”

Leia didn’t argue as the two assisted her upright and walked her to her room. 


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

My throat was raw. I was unaware of how much time I’d spent yelling, sobbing, panicking; drowning in my fear. Still on the alter, I was curled up in fetal position on my side, face buried, wishing I could disappear. Something strange had occurred in the last few seconds, though, and an eerie calm had overtaken me, like I was floating. I couldn’t feel the heat of the room, or the hard stone beneath me. My skin was tingling. 

This had happened before, rarely, but never with this intensity. I tried to move, experimenting. I felt like a marionette, not so much moving my body but the strings attached to my limbs. 

_You have somewhere to escape to- go to them._ But I couldn’t. Not now. If Ben suspected I had gone back to them; well, this punishment was bad enough. I didn’t want to contemplate what he’d do again. My faith in him had been misplaced. I had mistakenly thought we could have a discussion, that he would be able to understand why I had done what I’d done, maybe even help me figure out what was happening or how I did it. 

I could _never_ tell him about Poe. Never. He needed to assume that I was talking to “the Resistance”, just a faceless group, or even his mother. I knew even she would get a better reaction than Poe. 

But I also knew if I was going to survive being with him, I needed to see them. I’d be anchorless without it. I would sort out a way to hide it from him. 

Somewhat soothed by the idea of an action plan, I decided to test the theory. Muscles aching and stiff, I sat up and crossed my legs, resting my hands gently on my knees, hearing the crackle of my spine while I focused on sitting straight. This wasn’t going to be easy in a place like this, but I was so detached from myself I might not even be able to get to meditating, much less anything else.

Just breathing would be a start. 

With agonizing slowness, my senses started to recover. I felt the heat of the room again, felt myself ground back into my body, no longer an observer but an active participant. Sweat trickled down my back and neck, between my breasts. I took my tunic off, leaving myself in a simple black tank top. 

The energy of the cave was turbulent, writhing with shadow and flame, the Dark side so close it was an acrid taste in my mouth. Despite the unforgiving heat, and the explosive power of volcanic activity, it was animated. This planet was full of ghosts. Wisps of memory, pain, grief, suffering. 

I was curious. Maybe some of these phantom emotions were from Ben? Desperate to understand what made him into the person he was now, I reached out to chase the feelings that echoed in the air. 

_A man in black robes runs to a slight, heavily pregnant woman, long chestnut hair dusting his shoulders, a scar running along his face._

_“I saw your ship. What are you doing here?”_

_“I was so worried about you. Obi-Wan told me- terrible things.” I feel her distress._

_“What things?”_

_“He said you’ve turned to the dark side. That you- killed younglings.” She’s searching his face, but he’s lowered his eyes, looking away from her._

_“Obi-Wan is trying to turn you against me.” His voice is soft, coaxing, soothing._

_“He cares about us,” she argues._

_“Us?” It’s a hiss from between his teeth._

_“He knows. He wants to help you,” she says, and his mouth twists in a wry smile. “Anakin- all I want is your love.” Her hands are clutching at his arms._

_“Love won’t save you, Padme, only my new powers can do that,” he replies._

_“At what cost? You’re a good person, don’t do this.”_

_“I won’t lose you the way I lost my mother. I am becoming more powerful than any Jedi has ever dreamed of. And I’m doing it for you. To protect you.” His emotions are volatile, grief, then pride, and fear._

_“Come away with me. Help me raise our child. Leave everything else behind while we still can.” Her small hands are running down his hair, at the nape of his neck._

_“Don’t you see? We don’t have to run away anymore. I have brought peace to the Republic. I am more powerful than the Chancellor- I can overthrow him. And together you and I can rule the galaxy, make things the way we want them to be.” His face lights up, excited at this opportunity, smiling at her, not seeming to notice how her face is transforming with horror._

_She backs away from him, distress clear, shaking her head. “I don’t believe what I’m hearing. Obi-Wan was right, you’ve changed.”_

_His voice deepens. “I don’t want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against me. Don’t you turn against me.” His words are clipped, frustration evident._

_She starts to cry. “I don’t know you anymore. You’re breaking my heart. You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”_

_“Because of Obi-Wan?” I can feel the jealousy in him._

_“Because of what you’ve done. What you plan to do. Stop. Stop now. Come back.” Her breath is coming faster, chest heaving, desperation in her voice._

_A man stands at the exit of the ship, hands on his hips, ivory and brown robes flowing, watching. It snaps something in Anakin._

_“I love you!” Padme cries._

_His face is transforming, rage-filled. “Liar!” He advances on her._

_She backs away. “No!”_

_“You’re with him. You brought him here to kill me!” He’s pacing._

_“No!“ Her cry is cut short and she grabs for her neck._

_“Let her go, Anakin!” The other man is heading toward them, down the gangplank._

_She scrapes at her neck, shaking her head, trying to speak._

_“Let. Her. Go.” The other man insists._

_The woman falls to the ground, unconscious. The other man stares down at her, concern in his expression._

_“You turned her against me!” I recognize this building wrath, I’ve seen it so many times in Ben._

_“You have done that yourself,” he replies sadly._

I’m released, the vision fading, and I put my head in my hands, feeling tears on my cheeks.

“Oh, Ben.” He was much like his grandfather. When the news had gone public, that Leia was the daughter of Darth Vader… I knew that was one of the few times she’d come to see him at the academy. Even Luke had tried to explain to him, how at the end Darth Vader had been redeemed, came back to himself. 

What a shock to _see_ Anakin, and the resemblance. The black robes, the long hair, even a scar on the same side of his face. The roiling emotions, the quick temper, _convinced_ he was right. Over-sensitive to loss and abandonment and striking out against those who loved him. 

Obi-Wan and Padme had tried to convince Anakin to come back, to stop. Clearly it had all ended in tragedy, not only for the family but for the galaxy. Master Luke may have worked with the Rebellion to overthrow the Empire, but here we were again, caught in the same loop. 

Perhaps this was another chance. A way to do it differently. 

“What was that? Off to talk to your friends again?” I startled, not realizing he was back. Despite the fact he’d caused my suffering, I felt relief wash through me at the sight of him, standing only a few yards away. 

“No.” My voice came out as a whispered croak, my earlier screaming having taken away my voice. 

Ben scowled at me, distrustful. 

I swallowed past the inflammation in my throat. “This place, it’s full of ghosts. Memories.” I tilted my head at him. “Can’t you feel them?” It burned when I spoke, raspy. 

He shook his head. “What did you see?”

“Your grandfather, Anakin. He was arguing with Padme; with Obi-Wan.” I rubbed the heel of my palm against my sternum, all the emotions still somehow inside me. “It was incredibly sad.” 

Suddenly, his hands were on the sides of my face, eyes searching mine. “You _saw_ him?” There was an unfamiliar edge to his voice, and I tried to jerk away.

“Yes. Faded around the edges, but here.” I was careful to shield my mind from him. Part of me was still numb, but I knew I wouldn’t stay that way. The second I lost that false distance, I was going to collapse. He’d taken another piece of me today, like he had that first day in the dining room. 

He considered me, but it was cold, like he was perplexed over a thing and not a person. “How are you doing these things? You aren’t that powerful.” 

I didn’t bother to take the comment as hurtful. It was the truth. I’d never really amounted to much of as a Jedi apprentice. 

My emotional anesthetic was beginning to wear thin, fear and anxiety creeping back into my mind, my body. Physically I was completely wrung out. I felt the hyperventilation start, my body beginning to shake. I was so torn. I felt betrayed by him, by his cruel behavior, but I longed for his forgiveness. It wasn’t in me to be cruel back to him. 

I clutched at his arms, shifting to kneel on the alter, letting my head rest on his chest. The tears were really flowing now, and I couldn’t stop them. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” Those three sentences poured from my mouth, over and over again, the next repetition more desperate and jagged than the last. I had always hated the few times Ben was angry with me when we were younger. It carved a pit in my stomach that never did ease until he closed it. 

He raised my chin with one hand so he could see my face. “Think of this the next time you consider crossing me.”

I nodded, now mute. He stepped away and held out his hand, so I stepped down, eager to leave. But my legs collapsed out from under me, and he barely caught me. 

It seemed to upset him. “I’m sorry.” I apologized again.

Something crossed his face- regret? “No. I- I may have been overly…harsh.” 

Once again, he scooped me into his arms and headed out, the effortlessness of carrying me still a shock. He didn’t tire at all, even after the second staircase, bringing me into one of the bedrooms on the second level. He set me on the edge of the mattress, and I braced myself against the corner of the four-poster bed. My breathing was still too shallow. 

I had reached the edge of my ability to cope. It felt like I was falling apart. My stomach rolled and I hurtled to the refresher, my legs watery underneath me. I hit the floor just in time and vomited into the toilet. Panting, I braced myself, waiting for the next wave. I felt the cold sweat on my body, my stomach heaving. I was crying again, feeling so sick and frail I thought I might break into pieces. 

I heard him come into the room behind me, and I squeezed my eyes shut, humiliated. He knelt behind me. 

His bare hand was smoothing the hair from my face, and his arm was helping to support me over the bowl, my muscles quivering. It was mostly just dry heaves now, my body too strung out to stop them. 

“I’m fine, I’m fine, it’s fine, it’s all going to be fine.” I repeated between heaves, hot tears on my face. “I’m sorry.” Why couldn’t I stop apologizing?

Ben ignored my babbling, caring for me as if I were a small child, undressing me, stepping into the shower with me and cleaning the sweat from my body, my hair, my face. He dried me with the fluffiest, largest towel I’d seen in my life, and dressed me in his clean clothes, rolling up the hems. I shivered as he combed my wet hair, his eyes inscrutable in the mirror, never meeting mine. He handed me a toothbrush, and a whisper of a kiss landed on the back of my head. “I’ll be right back.” 

When I left the refresher, there was food and water on the table near a window. 

“I- I don’t think I can eat.” I stuttered out, pushing a fisted hand against my stomach.

His expression was pained. “That’s okay.” His voice was so, so soft. Walking over to the bed, he pulled back the heavy covers and motioned for me. I slid in, allowing him to arrange me on the bed, fussing over the blankets. 

He was leaned over me as he spoke. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why I did that to you.” His eyes squeezed shut. “I’m a monster. You should be running from me. But if you did -I’d be afraid of what I’d do.” 

I ran my hands through the hair on the back of his neck, in the same movement I’d seen Padme make with Anakin. But I wouldn’t tell Ben I didn’t know him anymore. I wouldn’t reject him. 

“I won’t go. Even if I did, I’d come back. I promise you.” He resisted, but I drew him down to me. “Believe me.” 

His large hand rested on my chest, over my heart, his face close to mine. “I believe you.” 

I wasn’t convinced he did. For some reason, I knew it would need to be me, again and again, proving that I could handle it, that we could figure it out. Ben didn’t have enough faith in anyone anymore. 

As I kissed the tip of his nose, he seemed shocked. I patted the side of the enormous bed. “Come here.”

My heart broke a little at the uncertainty revealed in his expression, and he even bit his lip a little, worrying. 

“It will help me fall asleep,” I cajoled. 

He relented, coming around to the opposite side of the bed and slipping in. 

He was overly tentative, pulling my back toward him, but I flipped, and nestled into his chest, my leg worming between his to bring us flush against each other. I curled one arm under my head and draped the other over the rise of his side. He slowly relaxed into me, cuddling me closer.

I breathed in the scent of him. 

Surprisingly, despite the events of the day, my sleep was deep and undisturbed that night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is strapped in for a really long fic, because I think we are definitely going to clear 100,000 words. Which is batty. I've never even written anything resembling a fiction story before this!
> 
> Again, thank you so much for all the kudos and comments! If you feel so moved, please continue to comment! It is lovely to see them pop up after an update. :)


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Ren observed her, a curvy body splayed out over the bed, tangled in the blankets, her face somehow even softer at rest. 

He’d barely slept, and he deserved the exhaustion. It had been disaster after disaster with her. Mistakes at every turn. If he was going to convince her to stay, to turn, to rule with him, the last several days surely were moving her in the opposite direction. There was much to make up for. 

She squirmed, eyes blinking open at him, trying to untangle from the layers of covers she had rolled herself into. 

He immediately felt unsure of his decisions. She made him second guess everything now. 

“Good morning,” he said.

A small smile crossed her face. He absolutely didn’t deserve it. “Hi.” 

Her voice was still rough. His fault. “There’s breakfast. I asked for some tea, for your throat.” He looked away as he spoke.

“Thank you.” A small hum followed the statement, and he watched as she sank under the covers again, almost fully immersed in them, her hair the only thing sticking from the opening. “This bed is the most comfortable thing I have ever slept on,” came a muffled explanation. 

Ren wanted nothing more than to slide back into bed with her. She was adorable, looking rumpled, soft and warm. But if he joined her now, that would undoubtedly lead to other things. He was sure that would be an unwelcome advance at this point, and he could afford no more mistakes.

“I had our things brought down, along with some other necessities.” 

“We’re staying?” Her face popped back up from her burrow. 

Perhaps he should have asked her what she’d wanted to do. 

“The _Steadfast_ has many repairs it needs to make. There is also a scheduled dinner to contend with. It unfortunately cannot be canceled. There are trade agreements to be made, insurrections to quell- powerful members of the Core and Outer Rim must be courted.” Disdain rose in him. He’d hated politics as a young boy, and he hated them even more now. But this was what was necessary. 

Her eyebrows rose. 

Ren shrugged. “We were scheduled to meet on the _Steadfast_ , but that won’t be possible now. So, I decided it could be held here. It’s actually preferable from a security standpoint, as the planet doesn’t allow for more than a mid-sized transport to land.” 

“Here?” Her eyes fluttered, as if trying to wrap her head around his decision.

“You thought of grand dinners and court politics when you walked in yesterday. I considered you may enjoy watching it play out for real. There will certainly be scheming groups of people reclining on the furniture a few days from now, champagne in hand.” Ren’s jaw twitched. Undoubtedly, they would all be jostling for his favor, or plotting to overthrow him. 

A buzz of nerves from her caught his attention.

“If it makes you uncomfortable, you can stay up here. The first floor will be the only one open to guests.” He had secretly hoped she would want to be with him, on his arm- but that was foolish, especially after the last several days.

She pressed her lips together, lost in thought. “It’s just- you were the son of a senator, Ben. You have experience with these things. I truly wouldn’t know what to do with myself.” A deep intake of breath. “Plus, what would I wear?” 

It was the most girlish thing he’d ever heard her say, and it warmed something in him, just a little. “If that’s the concern, it’s easily remedied.”

She met his gaze, curious. 

“I already tasked personnel for that. She should be down with a few choices for you today, and they can be quickly altered. Anything you need, all you have to do is ask.”

Ren knew he’d been negligent. A few small gifts here and there, but compared to the wealth he had, the First Order’s resources? A mere drop in the bucket. He wanted to spoil her, show her what he could give her. 

A pretty blush spread across her face, and she threw the covers off, moving to roll the hem of his pants she’d worn to bed. Once she was in no danger of tripping, she moved to the small table where he’d indicated her breakfast was, curling into the seat, bare feet tucked under her. 

A droid whirred into the room and began stripping the bed with quick, efficient movements. She watched it, saying nothing, carefully drinking the tea and nibbling on food. 

Finally, when he thought his nerves might snap from the silence, she broke it. 

“What am I to do while I’m here?” She asked the question with her eyes lowered.

“What would you like to do?” 

She seemed startled. “Well--,” she stalled, taking a bite of food and chewing it carefully before continuing, “I guess I could train more, if there’s a place. Or, if someone could bring those texts here, the sitting room looked nice; but I need a protocol droid… I don’t want to be any trouble.”

“You aren’t. Trouble.” He rolled the tension from his shoulders. It occurred to him this was one of the longer conversations they’d tried to have, most of the time they’d spent together since reuniting had been arguing or having sex. Part of him wanted to drag her back into the bed. The physical was easier for him.

“What are you going to do?”

“I have things that can keep me busy.” He swallowed. “Or- if you want company, we can do something together.” Ren sat across from her. “I did have some questions about what you saw yesterday.”

She pushed the plate away. “Of course.”

He hesitated. “I just want to know what it was.”

As she summarized the short scene she’d viewed in the cave, a sinking déjà vu weighted in his chest. The exchange felt familiar in a way, to the one he’d had with Rey in the lift just before they’d faced Snoke. He’d also felt betrayed, lashed out. Only he’d killed her. Ren had never looked into what happened to his grandmother. 

“Ben?” A soft inquiry. He hadn’t noticed that she’d stopped speaking, and he’d been lost in thought. She was in front of him, and before he could stop himself he’d pulled her into his lap. 

She didn’t seem to mind, and gently stroked the side of his face. “You look so much like him. You’re taller, I think. He had brown hair, not as thick as yours, but long and wavy. His scar- it was almost in the same place, but his wasn’t as deep.” She traced the line of his own scar with light fingertips. “He loved your grandmother. I felt it. But he was so angry. So afraid.” Her lips met his, a brush of contact. 

He rested his forehead against hers. Those errors needed to be avoided; his grandfather had lost the person he’d loved. Ren couldn’t allow that cycle to continue. 

“Would you help me understand how I sensed it- saw it? How I suddenly appear somewhere else? I want your help,” she whispered. 

How could he say no to such a sweet, soft entreaty? Not only that, but she still _wanted_ his help. Additionally, he was curious how she was accessing these powers. 

“Yes.” Ren’s mind whirred, a trace of a memory. “I think I might have an idea. Do you remember when Luke would teach us about the aspects of the Force? He always leaned heavily on the physical. But he mentioned other aspects- more esoteric. I don’t think he understood them. But maybe you do.” 

She pulled back slightly, eyes widening. “Other aspects?” A small frown. “The books- the history of the Jedi. I think there’s something in there about it. Maybe more information than Master Luke ever taught us.”

It grated something in Ren that she still referred to Luke as “Master”. “You should take a look. The transport with the rest of our things should be here soon.”

Her hands tangled together at the nape of his neck, playing with his hair. “ _We_ could take a look?” 

A feeling of calm stole over him for a bare second before it was swept away with his usual inner turmoil. “Of course.” 

He couldn’t believe that he hadn’t reached the end of her grace. By all accounts she should be furious with him, or afraid of him. Both. But somehow, she continued to forgive him, approach him, touch him. 

_She deserves your kindness. Find it, for her._ Ren despaired at his own thoughts. He was not a good man. 

Even if it was only for the next few days, he would try.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are going to get a little "timey-wimey" as Doctor Who would say. 
> 
> In my mind, as a writer, I take a Terry Pratchett view of messing with time- the universe is big enough to take care of itself and sort out the issues. ;)

“Here it is.” Ben slid the tome over to me. “It wasn’t the aspects I was thinking of- it was the White Current. Also, the Aing-Tii. There are many interpretations of the Force. We were taught primarily about the Physical Force, or the Living Force, so that’s what I focused on with you. It’s all I knew at the time.”

I was curious about what Ben had learned over the years. “You studied under another Master.” I took in a breath. “What did he teach you?” 

Ben’s eyes darkened. “I didn’t think you’d be interested in knowing any of that.”

Tapping my finger on the Sith historical text I’d been reading over the past week or so, I shrugged. “Curiousity. Know thy enemy. I’m not interested in becoming evil.”

He scoffed. “Evil is a word used by the ignorant and the weak. The dark side is about survival. About unleashing your inner power. It glorifies the strength of the individual.”

“Easy then, when you’re a brute.” I snapped. I hated that I’d never reached anything approaching proficiency; I’d never admitted it to myself before, but Ben’s seemingly effortless command of the Force grated on me. It highlighted my own insecurities. 

He ignored the insult. “So you’d prefer a life of sterile servitude?”

“Are those the only choices? You made me question in the past who defines what’s right or wrong, and you’ve said in recent memory that you want these old ideas to die. But you remain trapped in them, insistent you have to choose a side, that I have to choose it to be with you!” 

“My Master once told me my spirit was split to the bone. You’ve felt it. Would you like to live, day in and day out, struggling to balance two warring natures?” Ben’s voice was dangerously quiet. “And we’ve seen how it goes when you and I don’t inhabit the same side. It won’t work that way.”

“So, it’s an ultimatum. What would you do if I did the same? Turn to the Light or else? How does that feel?”

He flinched. “It’s an old tune. Better Jedi than you have tried.”

My throat burned. “Master Luke?”

Ben gave a cool laugh. “No. That was never going to happen.”

“Rey, then.” I watched his demeanor change, the defeated slope of his shoulder, his eye twitching. His eye only twitched when he was trying not to cry. I felt jealousy rise inside me. 

“What was she to you?” I forced the question out of my lips, not sure I wanted to hear the answer.

“We were a dyad in the Force. Two sides of the same coin.” I felt a wave of his anger- directed at me. “If she couldn’t turn me, you certainly have no chance. The Force itself connected us, a bond. She was my equal in the Light.”

It felt like someone was hollowing out my chest. _You’re always just second best. A consolation prize. Not good enough._ I recalled Rey’s lithe form, her youthfulness. Of course he would have preferred her over me- and the very fabric of the universe connecting them? No contest. Plus, as demonstrated over and over, I was not his equal. 

_So prove you’re better. Embrace the darkness._ That disturbing voice was back, but this time I easily swatted it down. I was done trying to prove my worth to others. My parents didn’t care. Master Luke had all but discarded me. Now to hear about Rey- well, it was clear Ben had found someone else, a “better Jedi”. My earlier anger faded away, leaving me empty.

“I see.” I didn’t have any other response. I slid the Jedi historical text toward me to read what he’d indicated before we’d begun arguing. Part of me scolded myself; I had started the fight, been the first to get upset. Served me right to get a solid punch in the gut. 

He cursed, running his hand through his dark hair. “I – I didn’t mean it that way.” 

There was no space inside me for Ben’s feelings. My own were choking me. So, I ignored the statement. 

“The White Current is an interesting idea. But I’m not an illusion when I appear, I’m doing something different.” I paused at the description of some of the abilities of the Aing-Tii. “This. The flow-walking- I think that’s what I did yesterday.” I frowned. “I didn’t get the sense I could have changed the outcome, but maybe I’m wrong. That’s the first time it’s happened.”

I closed the book, feeling the need to be anywhere that he wasn’t. “It’s all pretty abstract, anyway. Not very useful.”

Ben’s eye had a predatory glint. “You just theorized that you could change past events, walk through time. You’ve somehow pulled off what appears to be similfuturus, an ability that killed your former Master when he tried it once, and you’ve done it multiple times. And you think none of this is useful?” He tilted his head curiously. “I can think of many ways to use those abilities.”

“I’m not that powerful.” I said, echoing his words to me in the cave yesterday. I pushed the chair away from the table, standing.

“Wait.” His hand encircled my forearm, stopping me. 

Before he could speak further, a droid rambled into the room. “Your guest has arrived.”

I turned a questioning glance his way and watched as he gritted his teeth, clearly irritated by the timing. 

“I told you I’d take care of everything you needed for the dinner, if you wanted to attend,” he said in explanation.

I really wasn’t in the mood to try on dresses, but I wouldn’t be rude. So, I simply nodded, heading for the bedroom. I heard Ben instruct the droid to take the guest and her things to the master suite.

By the time I’d crossed the short distance from the sitting room to the bedroom at the far end of the hall, several trunks were being placed in the space, fabric spilling out of them. A woman entered, tall and elegant, her white hair styled in an intricate design atop her head. Her broad face split into a grin. She circled me like a bird of prey.

Ben leaned in the doorway, an almost amused expression on his face. “Marta.”

“Oh, don’t you ‘Marta” me, my boy.” She floated over to him, extending her face toward him, and he laid an obedient kiss on each of her cheeks. 

“I used to outfit him for those balls he hated when he was just a gangly youth,” she said to me, stage whispering. 

I looked over at Ben, shocked that he would have employed someone who knew him before. He was clearly comfortable around her, and she appeared nonplussed by him. 

“Here I am, thinking he’d died all those years ago, and then I get a terrifying call to come serve at the pleasure of the Supreme Leader!” She clutches her chest. “And who do I see but this darling boy!”

_Darling boy?_ I waited for him to explode on her, but he remained at the doorway, calmly watching as she pulled gowns from the trunks. 

“Now.” She whirled back at me. “Let’s get you sorted.” Turning to Ben, she made a shooing motion. “Out with you.” 

I almost choked with surprise as he again obeyed her, bowing his head to her before closing the door behind him. 

Opening my mouth and holding my hand out to introduce myself, she shut me down. “Oh, darling, I know who you are. And you are just the sweetest little thing. Not at all what I expected. Not what they’ll expect, either.” She gently patted me on the cheek. “I’m Marta, the official couturier of our Supreme Leader.”

Thinking of the rows of uniforms hanging in his closet on the Steadfast, I puzzled. “Why does he need one?” I quickly clarified, not wanting to offend her. “He’s always in the same thing. Do these dinners happen often?”

A trill of laughter floated from her slender throat. “He does insist on the most spartan of clothing. But I make sure it fits him perfectly. And, _of course_ there are grander events to prepare him for! Especially now that Coruscant is the home of the First Order. It will only get worse from here, I’m afraid. More politics.” 

I thought back over the last year and a half. Coruscant had been in open rebellion against the First Order, but surrendered shortly after the events on Crait. 

“Then there’s his eventual coronation,” Marta mused. 

“Coronation?” 

“As Emperor. The Council has been bothering him about it for months now.” She spoke of it so casually, like it was an inevitable thing. Something pre-ordained. 

My blood felt sluggish in my veins, and I felt mildly nauseous. Ben? Emperor? It sounded like a final nail in the coffin of the Resistance. 

The next fifteen minutes was a whirlwind of fabric and commands from her. She had me stripped down, taking multiple measurements of my entire body, barking out orders to me to move this way or that, clearly adept at her job. 

She held out the bra she’d made me strip out of, dangling it at the end of her finger. “How utilitarian.” The comment was laced with derision. “For now, put it back on. It’s our placeholder until I can send you something more suitable.”

“I thought this was just for the dinner.”

“Oh. My dear. When the Supreme Leader contacts you on short notice and whisks you away from Coruscant with a missive to ‘provide whatever his lady needs at any cost’ you bring your _entire_ arsenal.” I watched the pile of day dresses grow on the bed. “He mentioned you’d been stuck on the _Steadfast_ and he hadn’t been able to get many things for you.”

“He did?” My mind spun. Ben had managed to get some clothes for me, and he’d found me a few luxuries, but I didn’t think he’d given it any more thought. What he had done already had felt significant. I didn’t need much. 

“Mmm.” She popped a boatneck, long-sleeved tunic in a burnt umber over my head, handing me harem pants of the same color. The sleeves came to a rounded point at my knuckles, with copper trim. Marta tightened a belt around my waist, cinching me in. A sleeveless, off-white cloak with a standing collar and padded trim on the shoulder completed the outfit, the bulk of the cloak in a sheer, floating fabric with a fish-scale design. 

She began pinning areas of the fabric that were loose, and chalked a line on the pants, as they were long on me. Then she helped me out of it, careful not to dislodge her markings. Two more “daytime” outfits got the same treatment.

“Now for the fun part.” Opening another trunk, red and black fabric peeked out at me. First Order colors. 

After a half an hour, I was exhausted from being tied into racy evening wear, each option feeling less like me than the last. Marta looked equally unimpressed. “Let’s try something different.” Yet another trunk was popped open, revealing softer, soothing colors. 

A sage gown met with her approval first, tiny floral patterns embroidered all across the bodice, with sheer, billowy sleeves and a gentle fall of light tulle. Then a blue lace dress, more fitted, with draping off the shoulder sleeves. Finally, an ivory gown with a sheer cape. They all had a softness about them, the tones reminiscent of spring, the fabrics airy. Each one looked particularly out of place with the violent, sharp backdrop of Mustafar. 

Marta nodded. “The ivory for the dinner. He always wears black- it will be a lovely contrast.” She paused, smiling at me. “You’ll soften his image. Make him a little easier to like.” She turned to tidy the room, continuing. “Strategically, people will begin to underestimate him, seeing your kind nature, his doting behavior towards you. They’ll let their guard down.”

I’d never considered this side of ruling, how even clothing, the way a person was presented, could influence the way someone treated them. My family had been poor, my parent’s minds drug-addled. Slums and alleyways were where I’d grown up. If you had clothing you were lucky, and it would have been unthinkable to be picky about it. 

She left me laden with things, kissing my cheek with promises to bring more when she returned with the dress and to help me get ready for the dinner. I looked helplessly around me at the piles of make-up, fragrance, lovely silk pajama sets, and jeweIry. I tried not to imagine the cost. 

There was a vanity in the corner that had appeared yesterday, it’s lines clearly feminine, so I set to organizing everything into it.

Ben’s arms encircled me from behind, startling me. I had been absorbed in the task of tidying. 

“How did it go?” He leaned down, his breath tickling my ear. 

“Fine.” I kept at my work, still hurt from his earlier words. “Although she may be on a mission to bankrupt you.”

“Impossible.” 

I gestured at the vanity drawers, now almost full. “This is un-nessescary. I don’t need all of this.”

“I want you to have it.” He stilled my busy hands. “Let the droids take care of all this.”

I turned inside his arms, staring at his broad chest. “She mentioned something about a coronation.”

Ben grumbled something under his breath that I didn’t quite catch before he spoke up. “That isn’t something that you need to concern yourself with.”

“Is that the plan? You’ll crown yourself Emperor Ren?” _You want me there for that? Condoning it?_

As usual, he heard my thoughts. “In time you’ll come to accept it. As I’ve made abundantly clear- you belong with me.”

“I assume this is what you wanted with Rey?” The question slipped out before I could stop it. 

His hand came around my chin gently, tipping my face upwards to his. My eyes filled at the tender expression on his face. “Little one, I thought you were dead. I won’t lie- yes, I thought of her at my side. But she didn’t know me like you do. If I would have known sooner you were alive, it would have been a non-issue, as you would have already been beside me.”

A few hot tears spilled down my cheeks. _I shouldn’t be comforted by this._

“Why not?”

“You know why.” My voice was thick with sadness. “I don’t agree with what you’re doing, I can’t be the person you want me to be.”

I felt his frustration rise. “You were always on my side before.”

Struggling to explain, I continued. “I am on your side. _Ben’s side_. Not Kylo Ren, not Emperor Ren, not Supreme Leader. _Ben_.”

“Those are all the same man. You are either with me or you are against me.” His face had hardened.

The room softened around me at the edges, and I heard someone else’s voice, full of anger echo in the space. _If you’re not with me, you’re my enemy._

It was all black and white to him, no nuance. Right now, he wouldn’t respond to anything else but absolutes. _Only a Sith Lord deals in absolutes._ Yet another voice, floating and insubstantial. Ben doesn’t seem to hear them. 

“If those are the only choices-“ he stiffened, gripping me tightly, tension radiating from him, “- then of course I’m with you.” It tasted sour on my tongue. I knew where this was all leading, the only place it would ever lead; a slow but steady betrayal of my friends, of what I believed. For him.

He relaxed, either unaware of the pain it caused me or ignoring it. “Good.” He smoothed a few tendrils of hair from my face. “I was thinking, while you were with Marta. I’d like us to go to the cave, see if you can do what you did yesterday, with me there.”

Fear slid inside me at the thought of returning there. But I couldn’t deny I was also curious. Nodding, I allowed him to lead me down. There was no trace of anger toward me, this descent nothing like the previous one, but my muscles tightened anyway, priming me to flee. 

Ben climbed into the alter, extending his hand to help me up. We both easily slid into the position we used to take when we would meditate together, facing one another, legs crossed, my knees touching the front of his calves, our hands clasped. It was soothing, and the tension inside me unspooled a little. 

Settling in, I allowed myself to observe the wisps of emotion, of faded memories that lived in this place. It was a different experience this time, as I was calmer, and Ben was close, steady and quiet. Right now I was safe, despite the foreboding surroundings. Other tendrils became visible to me, disappearing and reappearing, ephemorous. Perhaps much older shadows? One caught my eye, something familiar about it. I grasped at it before it could shift away.

_I’m still in the cave. But it’s all wrong. I feel myself still sitting with Ben on the alter, his hands in mine, but I’m also- not there. A hooded figure in black is meditating in the middle of the primary path. Curious, I approach, feeling dizzy._

_“So this is what you saw. You never did tell me.”_

_Ben’s voice, and also not. It’s slightly deeper. His large hands push the hood back from his face, and eyes shot through with yellow-gold, rimmed in red, stare at me._

_I recoil. He’s older, perhaps forty, maybe more from the thicker streaks of white in his dark hair. The creases at the edges of his eyes have deepened._

_The true difference, though, is the feel of him. If I thought Ben was terrifying in his rage now, this person is on another level, a coldness in the middle of a sweltering planet. The black of his pupils are like a void in space. Unfolding smoothly from the floor, he prowls at me._

_Panicking, I run for the stairs to the upper levels. Halfway up, I hear a screech, and a small boy careens down past me._

_“Anakin!” My own voice echoes down at me._

No. Nononono _. I don’t want to see it._

_But it’s far too late for that. I see myself, breathless, paused on the stairwell. Pregnant. I watch my future self as she sits down on a stair, clutching her chest. She doesn’t acknowledge me, doesn’t seem to see me._

_Ben walks up to her, the small boy in his arms. “I’ve told you not to run after him like that.” The statement is flat. “Do you have such negligence as a mother as to harm my daughter through such carelessness?”_

_She shakes her head. “I was-“_

_“Excuses.” Ben strides past both of us, heading to the first floor. “Wait until you catch your breath. Don’t do it again.” There’s no affection at all in his tone._

_The silence in the stairwell stretches while I watch myself. She didn’t seem upset by Ben’s tone, or his dismissal, calmly waiting on the stair as her rate of breath slows. Just when I decide to follow Ben up the stairs, she speaks aloud to me._

_“Change it. Change it all.” Her hair blocks my view of her face, but I hear tears in her voice, see the protective hand she has set on her belly. “It’s not worth it.”_

_How horrible must things be for her- for me- if she’s willing to supplicate for this to change?_

_I freeze. “Did you tell him what you saw here?”_

_“No.” So she’d lied, or refused to tell him._

_“Do you think it would change anything if I did?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“Did you have this same conversation, with yourself?”_

_“Yes.” My head hurt, trying to piece together how time moved, what that meant._

_I eye the stairwell. “Did you follow them?”_

_“Yes.”_

_An uncomfortable buzz is ringing in my ears, and I know I have to distance from her. “Take your time,” I order her, and I walk upwards._

_In what may be the wrong choice, I look for Anakin. When I find him, I stare, sadness weighing at me. He has my eyes, and thick, beautiful dark hair. If I change anything…_

_“You wouldn’t want to do that.” A silky baritone thrums from behind me. “Undo your own children.”_

_“There could be others.” I watch Ben approach me from my peripheral vision._

_“True. But not them.” He is in front of me now, his hand not touching, but floating just above my abdomen, as if it is me and not the woman in the stairwell who is with child. But then, I suppose, it is me._

_Ben leans in further, his lips hovering near my ear. “How would you know what to change? I know what I would have done if you’d told me. I would have pressed for this outcome. You could make it worse.”_

_"_ _How could it possibly be worse. You’re a Sith.”_

_“You’re not.” The statement hangs in the air, and I’m breathless. I didn’t fall. I never gave in. I’m still here, with him. Was this the best outcome I could hope for? I recall the conversation that I just had with my Ben, before we came to the cave. That we can’t be on opposite sides._

_Clearly, we can. But it’s misery for everyone._

_I’m afraid. If I change anything, anything at all, it could mean we both end up in the darkness. I think of the way he addressed my future self. Would I want to be with him, this way?_

_Ben straightens, those strange, foreign eyes gazing down at me. He’s still beautiful, even though most of the kindness is gone from him. I can see why I decided to stay. Unable to help myself, I take a step toward him. He looks surprised at this, but doesn’t back away._

_I need to know something. My hand cups the back of his neck, drawing him down toward me. Now he’s really shocked, and so am I- I wasn’t expecting to actually be able to touch him. His lips brush mine, arms wrapping around me._

_There’s nothing coming from him. No tenderness. The kiss lacks any affection. He’s just a void, the things around him sucked into his orbit. The rest of us don’t stand a chance near this. Does he even have the capacity to love our children, or are they just objects he possesses? My heart tears open, bleeding for what this version of him has lost._

_I_ _admit to myself there probably isn’t a timeline in which I don’t care for him. It doesn’t matter what he does, I can’t stop._

_Breaking away, I see Anakin staring at me, an odd look on his face. Ben follows my gaze, and it’s then I see it. He doesn’t have the capacity to love. This poor child will be a means to an end._

_“Goodbye, sweetheart,” I whisper to my little boy._

_I see the moment that this Ben senses my intentions, and he grabs for me._

_I reach for my Ben, and pull myself back._


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Ren watched with fascination as something unidentifiable changed in the air, and despite the fact she was sitting in front of him, her small hands in his, a fundamental piece of her was absent. A bolt of anxiety stabbed him in the chest. He was just as clueless as she was about this; it was a risk to have asked her to try it again. 

He felt something shift again, feelings of panic and horror from her. What was she seeing? It was only a wash of emotions to him- confusion, sadness, resignation, grief. 

Her breath quickened, her skin growing paler; whatever was happening was taking a swift toll on her. Still oddly absent from herself, her body grew limp, falling out of its meditative pose. Ren caught her before she slid off the alter to the stone below, drawing her to him and lying her across his lap. Initially he’d been curious about her strange talents, but he found that fading into concern, wanting her to return from wherever it was she’d gone. 

A jolt of electricity passed through him as she jerked back, gasping, “I have to change it.” 

Waves of terror and despair washed out from her, flooding him. He’d never felt this from her before, and it was bone-chilling how distraught she was, sobbing into him, shaking. 

“Change what? What did you see?” He tried to get her to look at him, but she wouldn’t, clinging to his tunic, her face firmly buried.

Suddenly, she pushed away from him, her face close to his. “You. I saw you.” She pointed to the floor. “Right there. Years from now. Your eyes…” She trailed off. 

Ren felt a pressure in his chest, the memory of the brief reflection of his own eyes right before he’d attacked her on the _Steadfast_. 

“You’re not you,” she continued. “You don’t have any kindness, affection. Like a black hole, you’re cold, all encompassing.” He watched as she took a hard swallow. “We have a child—you don’t have the ability to love him. He’s a possession to you.” 

Something twisted inside him. She wanted to change this? Change their family? 

Seeing his face, she shook her head, voice rising. “You aren’t hearing me. It can’t happen that way. There has to be another way.”

“One where _I_ turn?” Ren asked. 

“Or you stay just as you are! Just don’t go any further!” 

“I’ll be ripped in two! Is that what you want?!” They were screaming at one another, her from desperation, him from anger. 

“Of course not!” Her hands were in her hair, ripping at it, beside herself with a turmoil of emotions that he was having trouble reading. “I’ll leave! I’ll leave or die before I let what I just saw happen to you!” Ren felt her resolve as she trembled in front of him, eyes wild. 

He roared at her. “You will not be going _anywhere_!”

“You don’t own me!” She fired back at him, quivering. 

Ren had her forearms in his grip. “Oh, yes I do.” She was bucking against his hold. 

They weren’t getting anywhere. Again. Ren had the odd feeling they could have this argument over and over without resolution. 

Ren forced himself to pause, to think. “You didn’t mention yourself. Where were you? Had you turned?”

Her face was anguished. “No.”

“There it is.” Ren leaned forward to whisper in her ear. “ _You_ can change it.” He yanked her close to him, his voice dropping low. “You know we cannot inhabit opposite sides.” A small sound of protest moaned from her, but she didn’t struggle away. “And you certainly won’t be leaving. Or dying. I won’t allow it.” 

The sinuous twist of the darkness that resided here in the cave knit into him, and he pressed her even tighter to him. She was never leaving. Now that he’d found her again, she would be bound to his side. 

Her body relaxed a little against his, yielding.

“I’ll give you time,” he promised, stroking a hand soothingly down her back. “I’ll show you what I can give you. Show you what giving into your emotions can do. I know you’ve always been frustrated by your lack of power. Let me give that to you.” Ren felt a tiny twinge of guilt at using her insecurities against her.

“Let’s- let’s just drop it.” Her voice was flat and tired, but he could feel that she was tempted by the offer.

Ren helped her deflect, wanting to let her think on it. “Shall we go back upstairs? Perhaps you’d like to have dinner?”

“Is it already that late?” 

He nodded.

She pulled back from him, forcing a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Okay.”

Ren stood and pulled her to standing next to him, lacing his fingers in hers. They’d called yet another truce. It wouldn’t last. Sooner or later, the stalemate would have to end. 

Someone would have to lose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're continuing to enjoy. As usual, feedback/comments are appreciated!
> 
> :)


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the lack of update last week! To make up for it, I am making this a big update. :) 
> 
> Please forgive any editing errors-- I am my own editor, and I usually read through each chapter multiple times to check mistakes, but I did want to make up for the delay and post as much as I could this time. 
> 
> I hope you continue to enjoy!

The past few days had gone without incident or further arguments. We’d silently agreed to drop any exploration of my other abilities, and focused on lightsaber combat. Ben continued to train me to his usual unforgiving standard, but we both found it was coming back to me. Surprising, with all the years that had elapsed. 

In the time left, I continued to pour over the texts- alone. I had been secretly practicing short bursts of visits near the Resistance camp, trying to control and shield my efforts from Ben. It seemed to be working, and I was hopeful that I’d be able to make contact with them again without him knowing. I’d hated how I’d left things with Poe. 

I had woken to find that Marta was arriving soon to ready me for the dinner. Nerves twisted inside me for most of the day. She’d brought a team, and they spent hours prepping me. Last minute alterations were made to the ivory gown as I was primped and prodded. I allowed Marta and her assistants to take over fully, feeling like a child’s doll being cleaned and dressed to someone else’s preferences. 

She had declared it all a success after it was done, leaving me with some of the other clothes she’d fitted me for the last time I’d seen her, and swept out of the room to find Ben, leaving me pacing, waiting. I’d wanted to talk to her more about Ben, but with so many other staff present, it had been impossible. 

I felt his approach and turned to the door. 

Ben’s amber eyes assessed me, something primitive flashing in their depths. “You look exquisite.” 

I felt the blush creep over my face, my skin growing warmer the longer his gaze hungrily perused my body. “Thank you.” 

The approval from him made me giddy, and no matter how foolish it seemed, I twirled around softly, letting the gauzy fabric float out around me, the airy cape lifting in the breeze I created. Beneath it, the neckline plunged in a v-shape in front, the fabric in gathered panels over my breasts. I had initially been worried, the dress built for someone less endowed, but Marta had added an ornate matching bustier underneath that looked as if it were part of the gown. There was a small, gold belt around my waist. 

He took my hand, mouth pressing a kiss to my palm. Inhaling, he asked, “What is that?” 

“Marta brought it for me.” 

Pulling me closer, he buried his face in my neck, taking in more of the deep, alluring scent. It wasn’t something I would have chosen for myself, but the smoky oud, crisp bergamot and hint of citrus were so beautifully combined I had given in at the last moment and dotted it at my wrists and neck. 

“Ben,” I scolded, the warmth of his breath on my throat sending tingles down my spine, “we’re going to be late.” 

A familiar huff, an old sound of frustration that he’d often made when we were young, came from him. I couldn’t help the smile that crossed my face. 

Straightening, my hand still captured in his, he nipped at the delicate skin of my wrist, causing a frisson of pleasure to course down my arm. “Later.” It sounded like half a promise, half a threat. Careful with me after the events in the cave, he’d refrained from making any advances, and I’d been surprised how my disappointment had built with each day. 

“Later.” I agreed. 

As he started to guide me to the door, a bolt of anxiety lanced through me. I stopped at the doorway, uncertain. “What _is_ my role tonight?” I swallowed, questions filling me. “How should I address you?”

He frowned. “You’re with me. If you feel the need to directly address me, Ren is fine.” 

I pulled my hand away. “But, if you show me any favor, doesn’t that open up a vulnerability? I can’t protect myself very well yet- “

“-do you not think I can protect you?” A silky, dangerous tone, slicing through my objections. 

“No, it’s just- I don’t want to distract you, or become a liability, or – say something I’m not supposed to…” I began wringing my hands. Also, shouldn’t I want that? To be a liability, a weakness? To move him _away_ from the power?

My increased worry seemed to calm him. “Little one, you don’t need to fret. You’ll never be out of my sight.” He approached me, fingers under my chin, raising my eyes to his. “I want everyone to be aware who it is you belong to.”

“Oh.” The response was a thready puff of air. I couldn’t help but be affected when he took that proprietary tone. I knew that I should argue, say that I didn’t belong to anyone, that I was my own person; but when he claimed me I felt protected. No one would hurt me.

 _No one but him, you mean._ A small voice chided within. I shook it away. 

Once again, my hand was in his, and he was leading me to the staircase, expertly escorting me down it’s winding curves to the first floor. A low hum of conversation drifted toward us as we headed into the common areas, several dozen First Order officers mingling with the myriad of other guests. Some were in uniforms, others were in varying types of finery, and they all paused when we entered, conversations dying off completely or lowering to a bare whisper of sound. I tightened my grip on his arm, holding my breath, unsure of what to expect. 

I needn’t have worried. Other than curious stares, most of the attendees ignored me while they jostled for favor and increased power, bargaining for trade routes, monopolies on First Order contracts, offering a dizzying bevy of incentives in order to be chosen. 

Through it all, Ben carefully listened, never making any promises, firm and polite to each individual. I’d never seen this side of him, the side that I assumed came from his mother, from being forced into attending large galas as a small boy. It seemed he had paid attention. Several Resistance members had questioned Kylo Ren’s ability to rule, citing the rumored bouts of anger, his volatility. Now I knew why Leia had remained silent. Seeing it all first hand, I was more shocked that the First Order didn’t have a better stranglehold on hyperspace lanes, fuel and other amenities. 

His awareness of me was also surprising. He was openly attentive and affectionate while we moved around the space, his hand always touching me at the small of my back, or resting on my hip. Several times he dusted a kiss on my hair or my temple. I felt the interest in me pique the longer we mingled in the crowd. My muscles continued to tense in small increments, and I didn’t notice my own anxiety level until it was almost out of control.

Ben noticed. “Excuse us.” His tone was polite but sharp as he addressed the woman before us, her hair a gorgeous riot of curls, and I felt her green eyes shrewdly on us as we moved into a shadowed alcove at the side of the room. 

“I’m- I’m sorry.” My chest was on fire. I gripped at his arms, feeling the hard flex of his biceps under my fingers as he gathered me close, one hand cradling the base of my skull.

“Breathe.” His ribs expanded slowly, and I followed his inhale. Ben slowly blew out on his exhale, and I again mimicked him, matching the slow, steady rhythm he set. After a few rounds, he spoke again. “Did the conversation upset you?” 

I was about to shake my head, but I stopped, remembering. They had been discussing spice running. The stunning woman was a representative for Kijimi. A flash in my mind, my parent’s bodies, cold and lifeless. I shuddered. “I- I don’t know.” I blushed, embarrassed. “It wasn’t just that. These people, they’re all- vultures. Predators.”

“And I’m not?” The question hung between us. We both knew the answer; he was the largest predator here, and I had willingly walked in on his arm. 

In the alcove, it was dim. Ben almost faded into the lack of light, his black clothing, inky hair, and dark eyes part of the very walls. I wondered if this was what the spektor of Death looked like, before it took you. Inscrutable, hypnotic, terrifying. But also, soothing. 

“Little one, you think I’m Death?” He leaned down, his lips a scant inch from mine. “Here to drag you down to Chaos?” The Force crackled around him, electrifying the air.

Helpless in the face of such power, I whimpered. “I don’t know. Sometimes, sometimes I think- I don’t know what I think.” My mind drifted to the vision of him, his cruel eyes.

That man would drag me down to Chaos. This one, I wasn’t sure. 

Ben didn’t press the conversation further. Instead, he closed the small distance between our lips, his kiss soft. When we parted, he stroked my cheek with his fingers. “You don’t have to stay if you’re upset.”

Immediately, I shook my head. “I want to stay with you.” 

Nodding, he tucked me to his side, and led us toward the dining room. I realized that during our discussion, guests had been slowly milling there, taking their assigned seats. When we entered, he took me to a chair to the left of the head of the table, pulling it out for me and settling me in before taking his own seat.

Ben introduced me to those near us, his polite, cool façade firmly back in place. Most were members of his Council, faces I dimly recognized. 

General Parnadee turned to me. “Your gown is lovely.”

She seemed genuine enough, so I smiled. “Thank you.” 

“I’ve heard a rumor that you knew our Supreme Leader many years ago.” The statement was curious, not really a question, inviting me to expand on it. 

“Yes.” I didn’t want to be rude, but I was hesitant to reveal much of anything to her. Ben didn’t share the inner workings of his Council with me, and I had no way of knowing which of his advisors were trustworthy- if any. 

“What was he like as a young man?” Her eyes glanced over to Ben for a second as she asked, but he appeared absorbed in conversation. I knew better. He was aware of everything she was saying to me. 

“Intense,” I offered.

She laughed. “That’s not hard to believe.”

I caught just a thread of her thoughts. Pity. Concern. This woman was under the impression I was terrified of Ben, that I was nothing more than a prisoner. She thought he forced himself on me. I chafed at her assumptions, defensive on his behalf. But she made pleasant conversation with me, and it was nice to have a distraction throughout the long meal, so I tried to ignore her inner narrative. 

But then, as I’d feared, my presence finally caused an issue. 

“It’s deplorable,” General Hux sniffed, “allowing that Rebel scum to sit at his side, enjoy the benefits of the First Order’s hard work.”

Somehow, the reedy man’s voice was pitched so the entire room heard him. The silence rolled down the table, oppressive. My eyes flicked to Ben, my breath stuck in my chest, and I instinctively reached for him. He simply took my hand, placed a kiss on it and gently set it back on the table, his movement relaxed. 

“I will not tolerate disrespect, Armitage.” I noted the color of Hux’s face; blush, then pink, moving into a ruddy red. No response came from his mouth, and I realized Ben was slowly, painstakingly choking off his air flow. “Perhaps it might be best if you no longer attend these functions, since you are unable to practice good manners.”

Released, Hux gasped for air, clutching at the edge of the table. No other guest had dared to move an inch. 

“You are dismissed,” Ben stated.

Glaring daggers at me, Hux pushed back angrily and left. The silence stretched painfully. 

It was General Pryde who broke it. “What does one expect, really? The bastard son of a kitchen woman. Spineless. Classless.” 

Nervous titters of laughter echoed in the large room, and the conversation slowly ground forward. Within a few moments, it was as if the incident had never occurred. 

Parnadee wrinkled her nose distastefully. “Hux never does know when to shut up. Don’t take it personally- I’m pretty sure he hates everyone for one reason or another.”

I nodded gratefully at her, but focused on the meal in front of me, quietly listening to the flow of dialogue around me. Finally, unable to bear the formality of it all, I excused myself, smiling reassuringly at Ben. I needed yet another moment to collect myself. 

Stepping into the small refresher on the ground floor and locking the door, I stared at myself in the ornate mirror. A stranger looked back at me. Hair beautifully curled and artfully secured on my head, a soft glitter of color on my eyelids, dark burgundy lips. Pearls dripped from my earlobes, and the soft ivory of the sheer cape made my skin underneath glow. I hadn’t seen the two of us together in front of a mirror, but I had seen hints of our reflection in the windows. Ben, tall and broad, clothed entirely in black, and me, diminutive next to his stature, swathed in softness. I supposed I could understand Parnadee’s assumptions. Sometimes, I did feel like a fragile flower that Ben could squish under his heel at any moment. 

A knock came at the door. Taking in a steadying breath, I prepared myself to return to the dining hall.

I startled at the stormtrooper standing there. “MB-222!”

“Pardon the disturbance. I’ve been sent to check on you.” 

Of course. Ben had said I wouldn’t be out of his sight, and I’d left in a way that hadn’t allowed him to follow me without being rude. I immediately felt guilty.

“I’m fine, thank you. You can return to your other assignment, I’m sorry to cause an issue.”

“No issue. I’ve been directed to stay with you until you are ready to be escorted back.”

If I was being honest, I wasn’t ready to return. General Hux’s comment had unnerved me. The optics of Ben, with me- and why was I so worried about how this would impact his position? 

Because I cared. Too much. It was clearly important to him, so therefore it had become important to me. The same slippery slope as when we were young- I just fell into his orbit, not realizing how I was changing until it was already happening. _This_ was how that future outcome would happen. I’d keep giving him whatever he wanted. 

Stepping out into the hall, a clatter caught my attention, a small door propped open. The kitchens. I wandered over, leaning against a pillar, and watched through the small opening the bustle of the cooks and servers. It was a soothing kind of business to see, each person seeming to know their role, so absorbed in the task they didn’t even notice me. 

I missed that- not being noticed. Ever since I had come onto the _Steadfast_ , I could sense the curious glances, the speculation, and today, even though barely anyone directly addressed me, I was on Ben’s arm, so I was an extension of him. No more hiding. I had grown so used to hiding, to being unseen. If I stayed…if I stayed I would never be invisible again. 

Was I thinking about staying? He’d made it clear he had no intention of changing what I’d seen; he wanted _me_ to change it, by fulfilling his needs and turning to his side. If I did decide to remain, I either accepted the outcome I’d already viewed or I rolled the dice and gave in to his desires. Would that be better or worse?

I didn’t know. What I did know is I wanted to stay with him. 

Returning for the dessert course, I was relieved when some of the guests started to depart shortly after the meal was complete. A few lingered, milling with drinks in hand, but most were in discussion with members of the Council. I stared out one of the large windows, watching the lava flow. I’d finally grown used to it, ever present, the constant red-orange glow that never really let it feel like night on the planet.

I downed the contents of the delicate flute in my hand. Too nervous to eat much, the alcohol was hitting me harder than it should, and I felt fuzzy around the edges, a false relaxation spreading through my body. Ben came up behind me, his grip firm on the back of my neck. 

Shivering, I turned to glance up at him. “You really are so handsome,” I heard myself say, reaching up to brush his midnight hair from his brow. 

His gaze fell to the empty glass in my hand. “How many of those have you had?” 

I shrugged. “Probably too many.” I moved in closer to him, getting up on tiptoe to whisper. “Is it later yet?”

The grip on my neck tightened to a punishing level. “Impatient?”

Tongue loose with drink, I replied, “It’s been _days_.” I couldn’t keep the desperate tone out of my voice. 

I thought I saw a flicker of surprise, but it was gone too fast to be sure. 


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> REN POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut alert.

She was going to be the end of him. Her eyes were slightly drowsy from too much champagne, the faint smell of the perfume she’d put on lingered at her pulse point, and she was leaning into him, her thoughts unguarded. 

He wanted to give her what she wanted. The desires were seemingly so simple. She wanted to touch him, kiss him, take control. Ren wanted to be everything she needed. Pressing a hard, brief kiss on her mouth, he took the empty champagne flute from her and pivoted her toward the stairwell. “Wait for me upstairs.”

It took all of the little restraint he had left not to bellow at the remaining guests to get out. Somehow, thankfully, no one lingered too long, and the last of the transports left for the _Steadfast_ less than an hour later. 

When he was finally able to make his way to the bedroom, she was standing in the middle of the space, the gauzy cape draped over a chair next to her, fighting with the back of her dress.

Turning around as she heard him enter, she grinned. “My savior. These buttons are devilish.” 

His mind stuttered at that. Had anyone ever looked at him that way, except for her? 

Ren slowly popped each satin button out of its delicate loop, all the way down to her low back. When he finished, he traced the line of her spine with one finger, admiring its graceful slope. She stepped out of the frothy fabric, carefully hanging it in the wardrobe. He was transfixed by the lacy ivory bustier and briefs, his cock growing painfully hard at the sight of her. 

She had lost the slimness of youth, her curves ripening over the years. The first time he had seen her naked, Ren had thought for an instant he’d hallucinated her return. For how could she have become more beautiful? He wanted to devour every inch of her. 

Ren grabbed her and tossed her on the bed, covering her body with his, desperate to be inside her. He felt her body arch into his, small arms wrapping around his neck, running along his clothed back and arms. He restrained her searching movements, clasping her wrists together and forcing them up and over her head. 

A distressed sound got his attention, and he stopped.

“Please.” Her hands wriggled in his grip. “I want to touch you.”

Again, he sensed her desire to peruse his body with her mouth, her hands. Ren struggled with himself. That was too vulnerable. 

Things had been continually rocky the past few days. She’d been distracted after what she’d seen of their future. It couldn’t go on forever this way, not when with each passing hour her hold on him tightened, calling him to be better, stoking the stubborn flame of Light within him.

It was too late for that, for him. But she tempted him with it. 

Ren knew he was treading on thin ice, as he’d become obsessed with her happiness, the only thoughts in his head of her well-being. Despite that, he continued to do the wrong things, say the wrong things, react with anger. He could at least allow her this. 

He released her, moving off of her to kneel on the bed. She scrambled up, mirroring his position in front of him, taking off his shirt and vest, sighing as her touch ran over the skin of his chest. Tiny hands tangled into his hair, tilting his head back slightly, her mouth on his neck. She scraped her teeth along a line of tendon in his throat and he gasped, his hands coming around her, bringing her body closer.

Playfully, she pushed him, and he fell onto his back on the bed. He unhooked her bodice, taking her breasts in his hands, kneading and pinching her dusky nipples. Her mouth and tongue had moved to his torso, biting and sucking down the length of his body. 

Ren wanted to pin her to the wall, restrain her, take her over. But her exploration of his body was what she wanted, so he shoved those impulses down. She pulled his pants off, and then her mouth was around his cock, her nails running the length of his thighs while she licked and sucked. He groaned, a hand moving down to fist into her hair. She hummed, touch now moving to his chest, his sides. 

He wasn’t used to someone touching him this much. It was overwhelming his senses, and he felt himself slipping, helpless under her ministrations. Her mouth was clever and hot around him, and Ren writhed, pressing her face harder against him, urging her to take more of him. Groans escaped his lips, and he heard himself sigh out what could have been a “please.” 

Ren ripped her off of him with a yank of her hair. Surrendering to her was unacceptable. Dangerous. She could be allowed some control, but only what he gave her. He’d practically just begged. Pathetic. 

“Undress,” he growled at her. She obeyed, quickly pulling the last garment off of her body. He tried to roll her under him, but she resisted, straddling him. 

“Please.” She gazed down at him, waiting for permission.

He needed her. He didn’t care how. Ren nodded at her. 

She grasped his throbbing dick and guided it into herself, a small intake of breath as she pressed down onto his length, slowly, moving inch by inch. Ren felt her body stretch and clench, always resistant to his size despite her readiness. 

Ren gazed up at her. Head back, hands laced with his for leverage, her body trembled as she worked to lower onto him, soft moans and sighs emanating from her as she moved. He was close to being completely inside her when she stopped, struggling to push that last bit, her inner walls too tight around him. 

“Ben.” Her thighs quivered. He rolled his hips upward, and a small moan of pleasure sounded from her as he locked inside of her fully. 

Letting go of one of her hands, he pressed his thumb to her clit, gently circling. She began to move, hesitant at first, eyes still closed, breath coming in tiny gasps. Her full breasts swayed, nipples puckered with arousal. Matching her speed, he pushed his pelvis into her, feeling his body tighten. She circled her hips experimentally, not used to the freedom of controlling their encounters, testing what she liked. Ren increased the pressure of his hand on her center, driving her toward her peak as she undulated above him. 

Her motions became jagged, quicker, and she yelled out as she orgasmed. Grasping her hips with both his hands he drove into her, his spine tingling as he released inside her.

She slumped forward onto his chest, their bodies still connected, curling into him. Tracing random patterns on his skin with her finger, Ren heard her sigh happily as she burrowed closer. He felt something cool and small fall down the side of his torso and onto the bed. Grabbing at the object, he brought it to his eyeline.

A bobby pin.

“There are a million of those stuck in my hair,” she grumbled. 

Gently easing her off of him, he set her on the edge of the bed and slid behind her, his legs coming around to bracket hers. Ren started fishing the offending pins out of her hair.

He started to feel foolish, but it eased as she relaxed into him. When he was little, he’d taken the pins out of his mother’s hair on many occasions. Leia had been gone often, more attention given to the Republic than her own son, but he’d still waited up for her. Helping her undo the elaborate styles had become a ritual of sorts between them, and she’d talk to him about her day. 

The memory hurt. 

Finding the last of them, he dug his hand into her hair and massaged gently, easing the tension in her scalp. “I think I found them all.”

“Thank you.” Her hand squeezed his thigh as she hopped down from the mattress, taking the giant pile of pins from his hand and depositing them on the vanity. She headed to the refresher, and he watched her through the doorway as she washed the make-up from her face. Right now, everything seemed simple. They could be like this, just the two of them. No one needed to change. 

Ben had resisted the idea of a coronation, the complication of politics. But now- now he could see it. All those endless parties and galas, she would be with him, and after he could help her take down her hair, watch her undress, pull her into bed with him at the end of a long day. He could do it if she was with him.

His stomach ached with the desire to keep it this way, how it was in this moment. But he couldn’t. He could never go back. Ben Solo needed to stay dead. And the outcome if neither of them could change… Ren recalled her desperation, sadness and grief at whatever she’d experienced of them in the future. It had horrified her. She wouldn’t be happy that way. They needed to be on the same side. His side. 

When she walked back in, he was pulling on clothes; ready to create distance between them, the tender, easy moments too much for him.

“Don’t.” He heard the rest of the thoughts. _Don’t go. Stay with this. Be with me this way._

"I only have so much to give.” 

"That’s not true, and you know it. You’re making a choice.” Her tone was soft and sad. 

Anger rose in him, and he snapped. “Yes. Yes I am. And you’re holding me to an old standard. An unfair one. We’re different. I’m different. Stop expecting anything else.”

Her eyebrows twitched down for a moment at his words, the corners of her mouth tightening. She was disappointed. 

“I can’t be that person.” Ren wished he could make her understand. How even now, the small moments of tenderness he had shown her downstairs, allowing her to take control in the bedroom just now, all tore at him, two sides constantly fighting for dominance. He couldn’t be both Kylo and Ben. Not even for her. He’d never survive it. 

She nodded. “All right. I hear you.” Avoiding him, she walked to the bed and tucked herself in, rolling to face away, closing off.

He hesitated. Her acceptance and subsequent dismissal should have made it easier to walk out. She’d only argued for a moment. They both needed to learn this was not going to be what it was before. 

As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t give in. 

Grabbing his datapad, he strode out of the room, leaving the silence hanging between them. 

He couldn’t shake the feeling it was the wrong decision. 


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia POV

Leia watched as Connix dimmed the lights in the conference room of the _Tantive IV_ , projecting a series of images and video in the center of the room. “One of our cells received a datapak from the mole. Per the protocols I’ve set in place, they’ve relocated again, and they did not look at the contents of what was given to them except to scan it for any trace of sabotage. I glanced at it when it came through, and thought it best that you and I look at it first.”

Waves of nervousness flowed from Connix. No one else would have thought she was so rattled. Her dark blonde hair was neatly pinned into twin braided buns, not a lock out of place. Her uniform was clean and worn, posture straight and confident. She had the bearing of a person who was methodical, reliable and detail-oriented. But ever since the Corellian System, she had been uneasy.

Leia braced herself for whatever information she was about to see, and was shocked when images of her son appeared. Unmasked. 

“It appears there was a formal First Order event earlier tonight. Kylo Ren was in attendance. The rest of the members of the Supreme Leader’s Council were there, along with multiple leaders from some of the richest systems. We’d known about several of their allegiances already, but a few were a surprise. This is valuable intel for us.” 

The images stopped, and a video appeared without sound. Leia’s heart contracted seeing Ben, no mask, no weapon. His demeanor was restrained, the clips jumping, all brief- but enough to reveal his skill as guests approached him. 

And there she was. Looking stunning next to him in a frothy ivory gown, her hair and make-up artfully done, never more than an arms-length away from him in any image or video clip. The affection he had for her was on full display. 

A last, grainy holovid played, longer than all the rest. The pair of them were in shadow, his arms around her, her cheek resting on his chest. She moved to look up at him and he bent down to her, their eyes locked. Leia couldn’t read their lips, but watching it she felt almost voyeuristic, the moments captured intimate and intense. They kissed, and he brushed her face tenderly. 

Leia’s heart contracted. Her son loved the woman in his arms. Despite himself, despite what he’d become, he had fallen in love with a kind and sweet soul. Ben needed love, but Leia feared the outcome of this relationship, feared a repeat of the past. He was so much like his grandfather. 

Connix sighed. “General, I wouldn’t be effectively doing my job if I weren’t, at this point, actively questioning her loyalty. But, I know you spoke with her before we left Ajan Kloss, and she warned us about the attack.”

“Her loyalty, for now, remains with us.” Leia said.

“Are you sure.” Connix shifted uncomfortably. 

“Yes. You’ll be the first to know if that changes, Lieutenant.” She watched the continued doubt on Connix’s face. “I’ll say this to you; she disclosed this aspect of their relationship to me before she left. I knew this was possible.”

Seemingly appeased, Connix nodded. “Thank you. It was with my initial reaction in mind that I wanted to show these to you first. Should we call the others in, or do you want this to remain between us?” 

“No secrets. We need eyes to comb over each one of the images, see if we can’t identify most of the guests. The mole only managed to capture a portion of the interactions. This is the best intelligence we’ve received in some time. We won’t waste it.” Leia felt her spirits lift. They had been several steps behind the First Order for so long- this represented a way to disrupt plans that were still in motion. 

A few hours later, Leia watched the same images with Maz, Finn, Rose, and Poe. After the last video clip had ended, she observed everyone actively trying not to look in Commander Dameron’s direction. His hand was clenching and unclenching on the table.

Connix reviewed the guests that had already been identified, and gave a summary of their known ties to the First Order, or lack thereof. She brought up two of the images. “These we haven’t been able to place yet. We also have some people in the background of several seconds of video that we are unfamiliar with- it’s critical that we figure this out. Once we have a better idea of the guest list, we can extrapolate what the First Order was trying to achieve through this event, and possibly undermine those plans.”

Poe spoke up. “The second unidentified guest is Zorii Bliss. She’s the leader of the Spice Runners of Kijimi.”

Connix frowned. “The First Order already has significant presence there. Our understanding is that most of the Thieves Quarter isn’t a fan of the occupation.”

“They’re neutral,” Poe replied. “The blockades have most likely interfered with their bottom line. I wouldn’t be shocked if she were there to negotiate a way through. Anyone who runs spice isn’t exactly worried about right or wrong. It’s all about the money.”

“How do you know this?” Connix was frantically typing into a datapad.

“I ran spice on Kijimi with her.” 

Leia watched the shock cross over everyone’s faces. She never questioned Poe’s commitment; more often, she wondered what it would cost him. It seemed he was willing to lay even his most shameful secrets bare if it furthered the cause.

“That’s how Han got in trouble with Jabba the Hutt,” Leia mused aloud, “he dumped a shipment of spice to avoid issues with the Empire. He ended up with a sizable debt.”

Poe gave her a brief, grateful glance; looking uncomfortable with the reactions of the group to his disclosure. 

“The third image- in the back. I’m almost positive that’s Cabac. He’s been the emissary for the Hutt Cartel for decades.” Maz’s face twisted into a snarl.

“They may be looking to gain back the influence they lost after the fall of the Empire,” Leia said. 

Dread filled her at the thought of the Hutt Cartel consolidating power again, and a possible formal alliance with the First Order. Until now, there had been little documented interaction between the two groups, the First Order content to allow the Cartel to operate as it normally did. There was business between the two, but it hadn’t been anything of note.

Finn looked disgusted. “So, now they’re bringing in the rest of the trash. Spice runners, the Hutt Cartel…”

“Who were the other attendees?” Maz’s voice held a note of trepidation.

“Tomit Grunseit, an unidentified humanoid female with facial tattoos, two representatives from the Corellian Engineering Corporation and Carise Sindian, along with who we’ve identified here,” Connix replied.

“Tomit Grunseit is the son of Xomit, who used to lead the Black Sun.” Maz explained. 

“The Hutt Cartel, a son of the leader of the Black Sons, spice runners.” Leia’s stomach clenched. “Are they trying to absorb what’s left of the Shadow Collective?”

Maz nodded. “I suspect that’s the plan.” 

The rest of the group looked at the two of them, puzzled. 

“The what?” Rose asked.

Maz explained. “The Shadow Collective was founded during the Clone Wars, affiliated with the Nightsisters. They worked actively against the Galactic Republic and the Separatists. It was comprised of a number of powerful criminal organizations.”

“Strongly affiliated with the Sith.” Leia added. 

“Palpatine?” Poe asked.

“No, it was a rival Sith faction,” she clarified. 

“Why would they do that?” Finn asked. “Wouldn’t that be a threat to their power, bringing them together again?”

“Not if they are allies.” Connix said. “They’ve been allowing the Hutt Cartel to operate without much interference, but they did get in the way of some of the spice trading. If they were instead to actively support those groups, there’s no reason for either to ever question the First Order. In fact, it would be ideal. Everyone gets what they want.” 

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” Poe sighed.

Finn shook his head. “The First Order _wants_ order. Criminal activities didn’t always sit well with them, as they actively undermined laws and regulations.”

“They’re under Supreme Leader Kylo Ren now.” Rose said. “It seems like he has another agenda.” 

“So, what’s the plan?” Finn asked.

Connix looked toward Poe. “How did you leave things with the Spice Runners of Kijimi?”

Poe winced, his hand coming up to cover his eyes and scraping down to his jaw.

“Okay, so that’s out.” Rose laughed. 

“Not necessarily.” Maz squinted at Poe.

“I sort of, ah, left Zorrii in a bit of a hole when I left to join the Resistance.” Poe had the grace to look ashamed.

“Time to kiss and make up.” Maz chuckled.

Leia smiled to herself. Poe could talk himself out of a tough spot with an old flame- she was sure of it. “Maz, you mentioned a tipping point there, when anger may override fear. I think it’s time we found out for sure if we have allies on Kijimi.”

Leia turned to Connix. “We need another ship. One that has no affiliation with the Resistance. There’s no way Poe can take the Falcon there.”

Connix nodded. “I can have him rendezvous with another cell.”

“Commander?” Leia’s eyes rested on his. “Seems it’s time to pull out all the stops on that roguish charm of yours.”

Poe gave her a winning grin. “It’s never turned off, General.” 

Leia chuckled. “Dismissed.” Her hand came out to rest on Poe’s. “Stay for a moment.”

When everyone else had milled out of the room, she sighed. “This has been particularly difficult on you.”

“It’s been hard on everyone.” Poe deflected.

Leia’s eyes sharpened. “You know what I’m getting at, Commander.”

“With all due respect, General, it’s also difficult to talk about this with you when it’s your son’s arm she’s on. I don’t have many kind things to say.” Poe shrugged his shoulders, as if shifting a heavy weight on them. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know what my son is and what he isn’t, Commander. I’m not as breakable as you seem to think.” Leia was secretly touched by his concern.

“Seeing that holovid- it made me doubt her.”

Leia nodded. “Connix had the same reaction.” 

Poe flicked his eyes up. “You didn’t have to show it to us.”

“I’ve found in my life that secrets aren’t worth the hurt they cause when they eventually come out, as they all do. Some need to be kept, but if they don’t need to be I’d rather not.” Leia looked at him. “What will you say to her if she comes back?”

“I don’t know.” A pained, confused expression was on his face. 

Leia gave his hand a pat, deciding it was best not to push him. “I don’t want to put you behind.”

Relief crossed his face. “Yeah. I’ll go talk to Connix and get set up for Kijimi.” With a few long, determined strides, he was out of view. 

Leia sat back in the chair, staring at the long, empty table, thinking of the friends that used to sit there with her. All of them gone save for the few that had just left. And she was again sending some into dangerous territory, on the off chance of creating a shaky alliance with those who before actively shunned the Republic. 

“May the Force be with you,” she whispered.


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

Half out of spite at Ben for walking out, I shut and locked the door to the master suite. It would no doubt piss him off, but it would also serve as a warning in case I’d been wrong and he sensed what I was about to do. 

I slid back into the bed after slipping my training clothes on, and propped myself to sitting against the headboard, reaching for the lush green planet I’d been to over and over the past few days, carefully staying just at the edges of the Rebel camp. 

It got easier each time. I focused on Poe for only a second, and I was there. 

He was clearly preparing to leave, yanking out supplies from boxes scattered near the Falcon, a toolbox at the base of the entrance of the ship. The lines of his shoulders were tense, and he seemed distracted, his gaze sweeping over me without registering my presence. 

“Poe,” I called out softly.

He looked up, but no smile spread across his face. Instead, his expression was flat and angry. 

“How was the party?” My face must have revealed my surprise, as he continued. “Thought I didn’t know about that?”

“Well, no- I-” Flustered from his cool reception, I wasn’t sure what I was trying to say in reply. I was also thrown off balance by his knowledge of where I’d been only a few hours earlier. 

Poe stalked toward me. “What are you _doing_ with him?” Hurt and anger warred in his tone, and I wondered exactly how much he knew, what the intel had been. 

“I don’t know!” I cried. This was the question I asked myself over and over again, and if I had no response for myself, I certainly had no answers for him. 

Some of his anger deflated at my reply, as if he had been expecting something more from me, and he went cold again. 

“Well, figure it out.” He moved back toward his work, effectively dismissing me. It hurt. 

“He knows I warned you. I told him.” I didn’t know why I was telling him this. 

“Why would you do that? Whose side are you on?” He wouldn’t even look at me as he spoke. 

Shame filled me. I was failing everyone now. Everyone was doubting my loyalty. Ben had punished me for warning the Resistance, and now the Resistance – or at least Poe, seemed confused about my allegiance. How had they known about the gathering on Mustafar so fast? Had one of the many guests been an ally? 

“I didn’t have a choice! Every time I come to see you, he senses it. At least, he used to. I figured out a way to mask it. But he would have pulled it out of me if I hadn’t volunteered the information- I controlled what he knew, not the other way around.” I ran to Poe, my hands coming to his face, gripping him as he tried to pull away. “I had to protect you! He doesn’t know it’s you I’m coming to. He can _never_ find that out. He’d be furious, hurt you.” I felt hot tears running down my face.

“Would you even care?” The question dripped with derision. 

I jerked my hands away, feeling as if they’d been burned. “Of course I would care- I do care! Why would you even say that?”

“Because you keep choosing him over us.” His eyes darkened. “From what I saw in those images, the holovids...” Poe trailed off, suspicion hanging in the air.

So, they’d actually _seen_ the party.

“I told you. I’ve been telling you.” I let my eyes close, feeling my shoulders slump. “I never lied.”

“I know.” His voice was less defensive. “But hearing it and seeing it are two different things.”

Of course it would be hurtful to see me with another man; I wouldn’t dispute or invalidate those feelings. Not only was I failing those I cared about, I was also hurting all of them.

Feeling despair creep into my chest, I didn’t see Maz approach until she was practically on top of us.

“There you are!” She greeted me like I was an old friend, even though we’d barely spoken before. “I thought I’d felt you pop in.”

I gave her a watery smile. Despite not knowing her well, there was something about Maz I always liked. She was trustworthy. Safe. 

“Come here now,” she motioned me down to her, and I complied, kneeling on the soft soil.

She grasped my hands in hers and gazed into my eyes. My tears were rivers, flowing along the curves of my cheeks, down my neck. I found I couldn’t say a word, staring at her wide, wrinkled face. 

“There now.” Maz’s small arms wrapped around me, and she ran a hand down the length of my hair. “We didn’t know what happened, but it seems we only got the edge of it.”

I lifted my head, meeting her eyes again, confused. “What?” 

“The pain. The despair. Fear, betrayal, anguish.” She tucked some of my hair behind my ear. “It was a few days ago now.”

I sucked a breath in. “You felt it?”

“We both did.” I knew who she meant. Leia had felt it, too, then. Had it been my pain she’d felt- or Ben’s? 

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” I whispered. “He’s in there, but he’s not.”

Maz’s soft, wise eyes seemed to nod in understanding. “What happened, kiddo?”

The story tumbled out of me. My lack of understanding with how I was managing to see them, Ben’s angry questions, the attack, my choice to be honest with him on Mustafar and the horrifying consequences. I left out the visions of the past and future, unsure what the reaction would be to that strange ability.

“He- he left you there? For how long?” Poe’s voice shook.

I had forgotten Poe was standing there. Maz patted my hand and wandered away. She’d done it on purpose, so that he would overhear.

I shook my head, still kneeling on the ground. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m not worth that much. Saving me, it wasn’t worth all that he’s doing to you. It’s my fault you’re there in the first place.” Poe’s voice was thick with emotion.

“No, it was my choice.” I whispered quietly. “It was all worth it to me.”

He knelt in front of me. “I’ve been an ass.” 

I started to argue. “No- “

“I’m an ass. Don’t try to be nice about it.” He said it in that tone only he could pull off. Blunt, a little self-deprecating, acknowledging the truth of the thing.

“Well- “

“And don’t try to come up with mistakes you’ve made to try and make me feel better about being an ass.” Now he was just teasing me, but I was surprised he’d read me so well. 

Laughter bubbled out of me. “That’s exactly what I was about to do.”

“I know.” His mouth was quirked up in a half-smile. 

I wasn’t able to keep the levity for long. “What are we going to do?” A mess of feelings was swirling inside me. 

“I know what I’m going to do.” His lips came down on mine, soft but demanding. 

I clasped his biceps, pulling myself into him and returning the kiss briefly. “Things haven’t changed- “

“- I didn’t ask you to change them,” he interrupted. “When you’re here, it’s you and me. I’m going to stop judging what happens outside of that. You’re undercover in the middle of the First Order; you’re going to have to do things I don’t like.” He nipped at my ear playfully. 

I considered. Could I divide the two into separate worlds? The person that I was with Ben, with the First Order, and the person who I was with Poe, and the Resistance? Was that not the same person? I also knew that I badly needed the time with him; any and all that I could manage to sneak in. Without it I would be lost. But I didn’t feel like an undercover spy. I wasn’t making my decisions based on being part of the Resistance. 

Poe gave me a wide, mischievous grin, not able to sense my unease. “Want to go make out with the best pilot in the Resistance behind those supplies?” He tilted his head at a large pile of plasteel containers.

I bit my lip, wanting so badly just to forget all of it. “Yeah.”

He hauled me up to my feet and dragged me behind the boxes like we were teenagers running from nosy parents. At least it’s what I imagined that would feel like, had my parents cared what I did. Poe sat and pulled me down to straddle his lap. His hands clasped my ass and brought my hips flush up against his.

I brought my hands up to his face, stroking his full beard. We started with soft, chaste presses of lips. The roughness of his facial hair scraped against my upper lip and chin. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth, nibbling at it carefully. 

Sighing, I moved even closer to him, my breasts pressed firmly into his chest, the kiss deepening. His tongue stroked the seam of my mouth, and I granted him entrance, my cheeks flushing as heat stole through my body. He rocked me against his pelvis, and I moaned at the friction. 

He broke away, rubbing his warm lips on my throat, the rasp of his beard sending shivers along my skin. I rolled my head back, exposing more of my neckline. 

“I love the beard,” I sighed. “Don’t ever shave it off.”

He laughed into my neck. “I wouldn’t dare.” 

Before I could refuse, he’d tugged my shirt off. I gasped, grabbed for it. “Anyone could see us!”

He tossed the top out of my reach. “I find a little exhibitionism can be fun.” 

“What do you like?” Poe asked.

“What?” I gazed down at him, taken aback. I didn’t think anyone had ever asked me that before.

He laughed. “How do you like to be touched?”

“I- I don’t know.” I stuttered, self-conscious.

Poe hummed. “Do you like this?” He scattered kisses along my collarbone and shoulder. 

I nodded. “That’s nice.”

“Nice. I think I’m going for something more than nice.” Poe removed my bra, and his hot mouth was around my left nipple, sucking. He let my breast pop free of his lips and blew a cool stream of air over the damp area he’d left, the skin puckering. I shuddered. His hands ran down my spine, causing more cool sensations to slide along my nerves, eliciting another shiver from me, and a sigh of pleasure. 

“Getting warmer.” He took the point of my nipple between his thumb and forefinger and squeezed. 

“Oh.” I wanted it harder, but I wasn’t used to talking, to having someone ask for my feedback. It felt strange. Ben just- took. Did what he wanted to my body. 

“Oh?” He paused.

“More.” I blushed, feeling awkward.

His pinch on my nipple increased, tightening. My hands gripped his shoulders.

“Harder.” I said, my voice coming out more confident, my fingers sinking deeper into his shoulders, nails pricking at him through his shirt. As he kept adding force, a breathy squeak escaped my throat. 

“Baby, I think you like it rough.” His voice had pitched deeper, an edge to the statement. 

I nodded, my attention focused on the point of pain at my breast. I wiggled my hips into him. He lowered his mouth and bit the side of my other breast, hard.

I jerked, moaning. 

Releasing my nipple, Poe’s fingertips danced down my spine again, a soft flutter, and I sighed. 

He met my eyes. “So, you like gentle.” Poe moved his hand to the curve of my hip, tickling. “And painful.” His grip squeezed my hipbone, hard enough to leave a bruise. 

It took me a minute to consider his statement, my body thrumming. “I do.” I hadn’t even realized what I liked until he’d bothered to test how I reacted. “I’ve never had anyone ask. Definitely no one ever asked while they were touching me.”

Poe grinned. “How else am I supposed to figure out how to drive you wild?”

_You could read my mind._ But that wasn’t fair. I acknowledged that the other partners I had who weren’t like Ben never bothered asking. Those encounters had been- lacking. I was starting to realize that it wasn’t only Ben who could please me. My mind wandered to what it would be like to have Poe teasing me, exploring my body, asking questions to see what I wanted. The thought was tempting. I had to ask Ben for the control, and here Poe was, handing it to me; I didn’t have to fight for it. 

The breeze picked up and I remembered I was half naked. I crossed my arms. 

“Not so much into the exhibitionism, then?” He teased. 

“You made me forget for a minute, but I’d be mortified if anyone saw us.” I admitted. 

Poe leaned over and grabbed my shirt and bra, handing them back to me. “We’ll go somewhere private next time.”

_Next time._ I grinned at him. “Okay.” It was clear he didn’t mind being out in the open- he had commented that he found it fun. Yet he asked, and immediately reacted to allow me to cover back up when he figured out I was uncomfortable. A warmth spread inside me at his care toward me. 

After I’d pulled my clothes back on, he brought our lips back together. I weaved my hands into his hair. Unexpectedly, he bit down on my lip and I moaned, tugging hard on his hair in return. 

Stopping, I looked down at him, belatedly wondering what he liked. I hadn’t asked. Maybe he didn’t appreciate how rough I’d just been. “I’m sorry.”

He leaned his head back into my hands, a sneaky look on his face. “If you’ve had a change of heart about someone finding us here, you can do that again.”

I shook my head. “No.” I traced the line of his brow, moving to stroke the coarse hair of his beard, my fingertips skittering across his lips. Sighing, I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close to me. He affectionately nuzzled into the curve where my shoulder and neck met, taking a deep breath. Still straddling him on the cool ground, our hips were locked together. I was about to give in to temptation and ask if there was somewhere private we could go _now_ when he spoke. 

“Finn and I have to leave on a mission. It’ll probably take a few days at least.” His face grew thoughtful. 

I felt sad at the thought of not being able to see him, and I tightened my embrace. In response, he ran kissed along the side of my neck. 

“Can you find me if you need me- even if I’m not here? Like on Corellia?” Poe seemed to struggle with something, clearly concerned for me. 

“I’ll be okay.” Pulling back, I kissed his forehead.

His face was dubious. “I’m not so sure.”

Tiring, I smiled reassuringly. “I have to go.” I felt an unidentifiable tug, something urging me to return, not to stay too long. I moved off of Poe, bringing myself to standing. He hopped up and hauled me into his arms, the hug fierce.

“I’ll miss you,” he said.

Before I could reply, I woke up back on Mustafar, still upright on the bed. Even though connecting had gotten easier, I found I was exhausted from the longer visit, my breath ragged, like I’d been running. I rolled off of the bed gingerly, taking a moment to brace myself as a wave of dizziness passed over me. I shucked off my clothes and folded them in the wardrobe, crawling into bed, a headache pulsing at my temples. 

A small part of me that I tried to ignore was disappointed that Ben hadn’t noticed where I’d gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who asked for some Poe action, do not fear, I will not leave you unsatisfied! I know I keep teasing. But I have not forgotten! :)


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV (short)

She’d locked him out. 

It was hours later, and he’d finally given in to the aching need to be near her, hold her. He hadn’t expected to find a locked door. Ren could feel her in the room. She was in a deep, exhausted sleep; most likely from a combination of too much champagne and the high level of anxiety she’d felt during the dinner. 

He considered what to do. The first impulse had been to bang on the door, yell, and angrily cut through it with his saber. But he was trying to be better. He scraped his bare hand down his face, frustrated. The locked door felt like a rejection. 

A rejection he deserved. No matter how he promised himself he would be kinder, all the fierce, driving emotions burned inside him, tangling and knotting, snapping out at her. Ren was choking on the weight of them, ever-growing and all-consuming, insatiable. 

The emotions needed to be let out, but he didn’t want to, kept trying not to, hating himself every time they did. Because it hurt her. When he tried to keep them locked inside, it felt as if they were eating him from within. 

Each day, each passing week, he tried to pretend that he wasn’t unraveling, coming unstitched at the seams, pretended that he had control over the emotions, the desires. 

He didn’t. 

There were moments, though brief, when she was with him, that he calmed. Those impulses faded, softened. For her. 

Something was still screaming inside him to break open the closed door in front of him, to rage, to yell, to hurt her for closing him out. But he didn’t, struggling to think through it. 

_The master key._ This voice was calm, even, cool. Ren sighed in relief. 

After a lengthy search, he found it. Turning the key, the soft snick of the lock eased him, and he closed the door behind him, glancing over at the bed. The lamps were still on, and her body was partially covered, sheets at her waist, the smooth, soft lines of her breasts glowing in the light, her nipples puckered from the cool air of the room. 

_Wake her. Take what you want._ He shook the thoughts off. They were dark, selfish; she needed to sleep. Silently, he tore off his clothes and threw them onto the floor, careless in a way he normally wasn’t, and turned off the lights. He slid into bed beside her, careful not to disturb her.

Closing his eyes, he tried to sleep. 


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More smut.

_He’s back._

_I sprint out of the library, headed toward the ship. I see Master Luke first, standing on the ramp, looking – upset._

_“Ben!” Luke calls out._

_Swinging myself around to follow Master Luke’s gaze, Ben is stomping toward his small stone hut, shoulders tensed, anger radiating off of him._

_It’s getting worse. Every time they return from searching for more Jedi artifacts, Ben is angrier, colder, increasingly insubordinate. Something tingles at the nape of my neck, and I turn my head to see Master Luke staring at me, an expectant expression on his face. As if to say, go deal with this. Bristling, I frown at him, but still go after Ben. I hate this._

_Coming to the door of Ben’s room, I knock hesitantly._

_“Did **he** send you?” The accusation floats through the thin door._

_I don’t even bother to answer, aware that no matter my response, he will be irritated. “Let me in.”_

_“No.”_

_“Please. What happened?” The change in him, that shadow that was always there, has been growing. I see Masters Luke’s suspicious looks when Ben isn’t paying attention. My intuition has been screaming inside me for weeks, trying to warn me about- something._

_“I don’t want to talk about it.” His voice is flat, uncompromising._

_“So, we won’t talk. I missed you.”_

_The door is flung open, and I’m met with a furious, half clothed Ben Solo. “Is that really true? Or are you **handling** me? Making sure I behave? I’m so sick of you babysitting me.”_

_Shocked, I take a step back. “I- I’m not your babysitter, Ben! You’ve been gone for almost two weeks! I only wanted to see you.” I feel a spike of hurt, like a pinching in my chest. “I’m sorry you don’t feel the same way.” Despite our argument, I feel my eyes roving over the broad expanse of his chest, drinking in his smooth, pale skin, the freckles…I had wondered if those continued elsewhere._

_I want to touch him. But I can’t. We’ve only ever breached protocol a few times. After the disaster of the training room when we were caught, it has been unspoken between us. We can be together, just not- in that way. A few stolen kisses here and there, touches that linger longer than they should, other innocuous affections are all we’ve done since then. It’s a slow torture, gathering up those small moments to try and resist what I really wish for._

_Now, an ache hums deep in my core. Desire. I press a closed fist to my low belly, as if to hold it in. Ben is already on a razor’s edge, angrier and darker, and if I give in to this he’ll surely follow, and I don’t want to be the thing that tips the scale within him._

_Breathe, I tell myself._

_But this time it does no good, I’m unable to escape the longing. How much time has passed since the training room, when he held me up against the wall, devoured me? A year and a half? More? I’m starved for him. If it weren’t for the fact he’s often gone with Master Luke and the other students, I’m aware things would be harder to resist._

_I realize I’ve been silent, clutching at the fabric of my tunic over my stomach, staring at him the entire time. Embarrassed, I step further away from the door. “I’ll leave you alone, then. You must be tired.” I need to get away from him. This is dangerous._

_Before I can take off back to the silence of the library, Ben lunges at me, grabbing my arms and hauling me through the door, shutting it quickly behind us. His hands are behind my neck, at my low back, dragging me into his bare chest, his mouth rough on mine._

_It’s like a dam has broken, knocking me off my feet with the force of the water, taking my breath away, carrying me off. Drowning in want, I clutch at him, running my hands along his bare skin, reveling in the flex of muscles underneath as he crushes me to him._

_“Please-“ I gasp between kisses. Not even I know if I’m about to protest what’s happening or beg for more. Both war inside me._

_He breaks off, his tall frame bent over mine, our foreheads resting together. “You- you don’t deserve this. I’m a terrible person.”_

_Confused, I reach a hand up to his face. “Why would you say that?” I feel an overwhelming wash of shame from him. “What did you do that upset Master Luke so much this time?”_

_“You’ll hate me.” Ben released me, backing off. “I shouldn’t even be touching you.”_

_A sinking suspicion settles inside me. He’s been pressing more often for physical intimacy lately, open about how he’s struggled to keep our relationship chaste. I don’t want to hear what he’s about to confess to me. I already know what it is._

_“You-paid someone-“_

_“- I couldn’t go through with it. She wasn’t you.” His pained eyes meet mine. “I’m weak. I was tempted and I almost ruined everything. I’ve hurt you.”_

_Jealously briefly burns in me, anxiety that I might lose him, but I push it under. “You should have talked to me.” I remind myself he didn’t go through with anything._

_He lets out a cold laugh. “And what? Ask you to violate your values for me? Admit I can barely control myself when I’m near you? Guilt you into something you don’t want?”_

_“I do want it.” I tilt my head, some pieces beginning to fall into place. “You must know. Feel it from me.”_

_Ben is acting like this is new information, his face stunned._

_I realize that he has probably mistaken my desire for his, or that he’d been so distracted trying to control his own emotions he’s been unable to sense mine. Ben has thought it’s been easy for me this whole time, that I don’t feel the same level of need for him that he does for me._

_This is yet another forked path. I swallow hard, nervous. I can move this forward right now, change the dynamic of the relationship, break more rules, possibly destabilize him more. Or, perhaps my concerns are unfounded. The shame inside him is overwhelming, and would be un-necessary if we were simply to be together in the way we both need._

_Fear snakes in my veins. This feels vulnerable. “I’ve been – struggling. When you touch me- we’re training, you don’t even mean anything by it, but- it still affects me. If you stand a little too close, your smell-“ I break off, squirming a little. “I swear you’ve gotten taller, bigger- just looking at you sometimes, it’s enough to-“_

_“-enough to what?” He’d prowled closer to me during my stilted explanation, and his voice is pitched deeper, a slight growl at the end of his question._

_I can’t answer. His head is lowering, his mouth at my ear, the heat from his body radiating through my clothes. I’m already spinning._

_“Say it.”_

_He’s not touching me, but only a few millimeters are separating us. “I want you.” My voice is only a bare thread of sound, husky. “You don’t even have to be around. If I just think about you, it’s enough.” I draw in a steadying breath, and his smell fills my nose, saturates into my lungs._

_“And now?”_

_“I’m afraid.” What I feel for him is barely leashed now. If I were to let it take me, it would be uncontrollable. Wild._

_“You never have any reason to be afraid of me. Ever.” His lips brush along my ear, stopping to rest on that sensitive space just behind my earlobe. I sway into him, my hands resting on his bare chest. “I’ve got you.” His hand brushes my hair aside. “I’ll take care of you.” His teeth nip gently. My heart is pounding out of my chest._

_He straightens to look down at me, and backs me into the edge of his bed, my knees buckling when they hit the rough bedframe, his arms catching and lowering me beneath him, his legs straddling me on the too-small mattress._

_My hands flutter around his ribcage, unsure what to do. I’m unnerved by the gentleness of him, expecting an explosion, something rougher. Ben kisses my eyebrows, the corners of my mouth, my nose, nuzzles into my neck and carefully bites a trail down to my collarbone._

_“So lovely.” He mumbles into my chest. “Too many clothes.”_

_He’s never seen me before. I feel self-conscious. The other female students here are lithe, athletic. I’m – not. I have a softness to me the others don’t, despite all the training. What if he doesn’t like it?_

_Ben smoothly rids me of my tunic and the long sleeve shirt layered under it. I feel the cool air on my belly. His hand comes behind my back and with more ease than I’d like, as it belies practice, my bra is gone._

_An appreciative noise comes from the back of his throat, and his mouth is wandering down to my breasts. He hasn’t shaved recently, and the rough scrape of stubble sends a shiver down my spine, my nipples tightening with arousal._

_My lust is like a caged animal, and he’s unlocked the gate. I tremble, half in fear and half in excitement._

_His hand massages my left breast as his mouth comes around my nipple, tongue tracing the areola and flicking on the hardening tip. My back arches off the bed, moans emitting from my lips as he continues sucking, biting, licking, massaging, moving from one side to the other until both my breasts feel bruised, achingly oversensitive._

_Fingers slide down the sides of my torso, and he’s shifting, moving away so he can pull my pants off. It’s un-nerving, being naked in front of him. My skin heats. He’s impatiently shucking his own trousers off, but he’s on me so quickly I don’t get the chance to see much._

_“Shy?” He asks playfully, pulling me up closer to the head of the bed, spreading my legs to rest his pelvis between them. I feel the hot, hard length of him against my lower belly. More heat blooms over my skin. “Such a pretty blush,” he murmurs, rocking his hips against mine._

_I love the shape of his shoulders hovering over me, the line of his collarbone. I tilt my chin up to look into his face. He lifts himself slightly, and his cock slides down through my folds, my breath catching. He eases slightly into me, his eyes intently scanning my face as he moves. My breath is a gasp, his size too much for me. Halting, he smooths my hair away from my face._

_“Don’t stop.” I run my hands down his back and rest them on his hips, giving an encouraging nudge._

_“You’re so tight.” Easing out a little, he slides back in, further inside me._

_I can’t seem to help myself despite the discomfort, and I roll my hips into him, taking even more of his considerable length. There’s a drumming noise in my head, insistent that I need him fully inside me, that I’m empty without him. “I need all of you. Please.”_

_My sharp cry cuts through the air as he buries himself completely, and I feel painfully full. His hand covers my mouth as another loud noise leaves me when he pulls out and thrusts back in again. The wood of the old bedframe creaks ominously. Swearing, he lifts off the bed, still fully inside me, my legs wrapping around his waist. He has me with one arm, and I feel a cool breeze as he tosses a blanket on the floor, taking us down onto it._

_The movements serve to slot him even deeper into me, and the friction against my clit has a shudder running through my entire body. I can see he’s holding back, a fine sheen of sweat on his brow, focus still intent on my face as he slowly plunges in and out of me, trying to allow some of the initial tightness to ebb away._

_But I’m impatient, the slow rub of his pelvis against my mound a tease. I find his rhythm and push for something faster. Harder. I bite my own wrist to muffle the breathy moans that won’t stop coming from me as something builds deep inside, an overwhelming tension. Every muscle I have starts to clench, my breath coming in hard. I feel a scream build in my chest, and I crush my mouth against his, our kisses frantic and sloppy. My body detonates, and his mouth captures the loud sounds I make. Then he’s bruising my mouth, biting my lips as he shudders and groans, pulsing inside me._

_On the floor of his hut, panting, staring at his flushed face, I’m stunned. I know I have limited experience, but nothing I have done before comes close to this. My body is trembling. I already want more._

_A huge, cocky grin splits his face. “So that other guy – no match for me, huh?”_

_I swat at him. “Rude.” I’ve been attempting to explain to him the etiquette of snooping in my thoughts. “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”_

_“I know.” His eyebrows wiggle. “It was worth it for that piece of information, though.”_

_He’s happy, lighter than I’ve seen him awhile. The lines of his face are relaxed, all signs of strain gone. I frown. Had it been that hard on him, holding back from me?_

_“Hey.” His finger rubs the lines furrowed at my brow. “Did I hurt you?”_

_“No.” I lift my chin slightly, and he kisses me softly. “I just wish you would have said something. Shared with me. You were so desperate- “ I couldn’t finish the sentence, jealously contracting my heart._

_Some of the tension returns to his face, and I’m immediately regretting what I’ve said._

_“My fault. Never yours.” His dark eyes stare down at me. “That will never happen again.”_

_Another worry swamps me. “We’ve broken the rules. Completely.” I’ll be sent away, surely. Expelled. Master Luke won’t tolerate this._

_“No one is sending you anywhere. You belong with me.” He shifts off of me, pulling me into his side, his arm pillowing my head. “Trust me.”_

_I curl into his warm body, gently skimming my hands over his chest. “I do.”_

_But I can’t shake the cold, terrible knowing that’s settled in my gut._

________________________

My eyes fluttered open. There is a thick dark canopy above me rather than the rickety roof of Ben’s hut, disorienting me. Overly warm, I shifted, but found myself trapped partially under his heavy body. He was wound around me, face buried in my chest, arms and legs twisted into mine like long, thick vines. I ran my hands over his head gently, closing my eyes, feeling protective and tender toward him, the memory that had come to me in sleep still fresh. His grip tightened around my waist, and a soft huff of breath escaped his mouth.

I drifted in and out of a sleepy haze, my hands absently stroking him, unsure how much time was passing. This was a gift. Ben would never willingly cuddle into me this way now, his head pillowed on my breasts. It was as if he’d sought comfort from me in the middle of the night. I realized that was another thing I was missing- I wanted him to seek me out, to be vulnerable with me. 

Eventually he stirred in my arms, and I lifted my head to meet his confused, sleepy eyes. The lines of his face were soft, and he looked younger than his years, mussed and imperfect. 

“Good morning.” I combed my fingers through his thick, dark hair, smiling at him. It was nice to wake before him; usually he was gone from bed before I got up for the day. 

As the fog cleared from his gaze, Ben noticed his position, stiffening. “Good morning.” A frown skittered across his face. “You locked me out last night.”

I felt myself wince. “I was upset after you left. I meant to unlock it, but I must have fallen asleep.” The half-truth burned on my tongue. I looked toward the door, expecting to find it destroyed, but it was in one piece. “How did you get in?”

Yawning, he shifted, pushing himself up to sitting against the headboard, dragging me to lay across his bare chest. “Master key.” 

Ben seemed more relaxed, and I was intrigued. Instead of bursting into the room in a fit of rage last night, which is what I’d come to expect, he’d used a key and slid in to bed so quietly I hadn’t even woken. 

_He’s trying._ The thought was a sigh, with an undercurrent of fondness and appreciation. 

“What did you dream about?” His voice was a thunderous rumble under my ear. We used to ask this question of one another before, and the re-emergence of another old ritual brightened me. 

I smiled. “You.” Thinking back on the memory, my body grew warm and heavy. I slithered up his chest, straddling him, his arousal hot against me, our naked bodies pressed close.

“Is that so?” His tone remained casual, but I watched as his breath quickened, felt his hips shifting beneath mine. “What was dream me doing?”

I ran my hands down his arms. “It was a memory.” Lifting myself, I rubbed along the length of his erection, expecting him to stop me or take control from me. But he surprised me again, remaining passive, watching. I blushed. “I remembered our first time together, dreamed I was there again. I had forgotten how upset you were, how you’d misunderstood, didn’t think that I’d wanted you as much as you wanted me.” 

“You were remarkably restrained.” His tone was detached, but I saw something predatory staring at me from behind his eyes, saw the small facial twitch that gave away his concentration. It was taking effort for him to remain still, to let me rub along his body. 

I wondered how far I could push his restraint. “It was eating me alive, not having you.” Slowly, I reached down, guiding his cock to my entrance and lowering onto him, watching as his ab muscles clenched, his hands fisting in the sheets.

“I never did figure out how you hid it from me.” Ben’s pupils were blown out, his eyes black, and a flush had crept up from his chest to his cheeks. The tendons in his neck stood out, and I watched the pulse at his throat. 

“I didn’t.” I moved up and down, felt a thin sheen of sweat on the nape of my neck as I struggled to continue the conversation, moans sitting at the base of my throat, longing to come out. I wanted to touch him, but didn’t, playing along with whatever game this was, leaving my hands resting on my thighs. I felt my own muscles clenching and relaxing with each stroke I made, his cock long and thick inside me. “You just didn’t pick up on it.”

“I always know how you feel.” His voice was deeper, grittier, the statement strained out. “What you’re thinking. You can’t hide from me.”

My breath was coming in shorter as I rocked and pumped my hips over his. “My guess is-” the air caught in my chest, “- that your own need masked mine. You were distracted.”

“You were incredibly distracting.” Somehow, I knew he was thinking back on those days, imagining how we’d danced around our desire for one another, how the tension had hummed between us.

We stared at one another in silence as I rode him, our joined bodies the only point of contact between us. Whether it was due to his concentration breaking, or something else, I could hear his thoughts. It was so shockingly intimate, such a reversal, that I stopped for a few seconds, stunned. 

Ben wanted so many contradictory things at once. It shouldn’t have been a revelation, as his nature was split, but catching the desires as they spun in his head was intoxicating. He wanted to worship me and defile me. Treasure and punish. Surrender to me and dominate me. A low, helpless whimper came from me, my mind building all manner of fantasies.

The noise broke Ben’s resolve, and his hands flew to my hips, urging me into a more desperate pace. I allowed my head to fall back, baring my throat and grinding into him, my body flushed and wanton. Pleasure flooded me, and I cried out his name. 

He buried his face in my neck, biting me as a shuddering groan was pulled from his throat, his body jerking as he released inside me. Ben kissed the spot he’d just sunk his teeth into. “You’re still distracting.”

Our faces collided, his lifting as mine turned, and I kissed his cheek. “So are you.”

A ghost of a smile tugged at his lips. 

Lack of desire had never been our problem. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right- I hope my bigger update made up for my absence. I told myself I would update every week, but life got in the way. I know I always appreciate when an ongoing fic writer updates regularly, so I strive to do so as much as I can. 
> 
> As usual, comments and kudos are always appreciated, and thank you so much for reading! :)


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV

Poe stared at the disaster of a ship he was supposed to fly.It seemed Connix had a sick sense of humor, expecting anyone to be able to get this thing off the ground.The entirety of the ship, inside and out, was covered in sand. 

He hated desert planets.Connix had sent them to Pasaana to meet a Resistance cell.It was a planet the First Order paid little attention to, primarily farm land, with little strategic importance in terms of location.She’d argued it would be the best place to leave the Falcon while they took an alternate ship to Kijimi. 

Running his hand down his beard in frustration, he closed his eyes and tilted his face up to the unforgivingly hot sun and sighed.He’d make do.That was what they all did. 

Finn came up beside him.“We set to go?” 

Poe gestured toward the ship.“Our chariot awaits.”

Finn made a sound that could only be described as reluctant.“Can that thing even fly?What even is it?”

“We’re about to find out, and it’s a WTK-85 interstellar transport ship.Apparently, it was abandoned here a long time ago.The locals didn’t have much use for it, so they left it alone.” 

“I’m surprised the desert didn’t eat it.” 

“Me, too.”Poe strode up the gangplank, BB-8 whirring next to him, beeping skeptically.“I know, little buddy, I know.But they say it still works- so…”Nestling himself in the pilot’s seat, he started flipping the power on.“I need you to stay here, BB-8.”A series of angry chirps came from behind him. 

Finn knelt down.“We need someone to guard the Falcon until we get back.” 

The droid rolled in a serpentine pattern, complaining. 

“We’ll be back before you know it.”Poe examined the dust-covered controls, listening as BB-8 grumpily rolled away. 

Too many creaks, snaps and hisses for his comfort echoed in the ship, but it powered up.Part of him wished it hadn’t.He wasn’t looking forward to this reunion; wasn’t even sure it was the best plan in the first place.If Zorii had already met with Ren, already aligned with the First Order, he may end up in custody faster than he could draw his blaster. 

Finn settled in the co-pilots seat next to him.“What’s the plan?” 

Poe laughed.“Buddy, there is no plan when it comes to Zorii.If she doesn’t shoot me on sight, we’ll be doing great.”

He piloted the ship out of atmo and headed for Kijimi, a place he’d vowed never to return.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

It was somehow worse than he’d remembered, but that could have been from the addition of the stormtroopers at every corner.They’d arrived at night, the temperature frigid, their breaths puffing out clouds of steam from under their hoods.Poe had known that Kijmi was under First Order rule, but he hadn’t realized just how tight the noose had become.For a place like this, used to anarchy, that had to sting.

The major hyperspace lanes were blockaded, and getting onto the planet had been tricky.Martial law had been imposed, with curfews and patrols, and children continued to be taken from their homes to boost the First Order’s trooper numbers.From what he’d seen, there didn’t appear to be any peace at all for the city’s inhabitants. 

It felt like a powder keg about to explode. 

“They’re everywhere.” Poe said to Finn, indicating yet another group of patrolling stormtroopers.

They’d only just started toward a darkened alley when he felt the barrel of a blaster at his temple, softened by the fabric of his hood. 

“Heard you were spotted at Monk’s Gate.Thought- he’s not stupid enough to come back here.”The voice was unique, throaty, buzzing at the edges from the vocoder.

“Oh, you’d be surprised.”Truthfully, if things weren’t as desperate as they were, Poe would have considered arguing against returning here.

Finn had stepped out from behind him, staring across at the woman holding the weapon to Poe’s head.“What’s going on?”

“Ah, Finn, this is Zorii.Zorii, this is Finn- “

“- I can pull this trigger right now,” she interrupted.

“I’ve seen you do worse.”Poe _had_ seen her do a lot worse; they’d done a lot worse, together.He didn’t think she would actually kill him, but he wasn’t sure. 

“For a lot less.”

“Can we just- talk about this?”Poe slowly pushed the hood of his jacket back, turning to finally look at her.She still had the damn helmet on.He wanted to see her face. 

“I want to see your brains in the snow.”Zorii circled them, still holding the blaster to his head.

“So, you’re still mad?”Poe grinned a little, his tone cheeky. 

“You know I’m still digging out of the hole you put me in when you left to join the Resistance.You left us, abandoned the crew, and I was here to pick up the pieces, deal with the First Order’s occupation.”Her hand was shaking around the blaster as she spoke.

“Zorii- we could really use your help- “

“Like you helped us?I’ve had to deal with all this on my own.”Resentment dripped from her tone. 

“How long has it been like this?”He softened his voice.What she said was true; he had abandoned her, the crew, run off to join the Resistance. 

“The First Order took most of the kids a long time ago.We can’t get off the planet.But your bounty should just about cover us.” 

Panic started to rise in him, and he played the only card he had.“That’s a lie.You left the planet to meet with the First Order, with their Supreme Leader.You’ve decided to fall into bed with the oppressor?”

Shocked, her arm dropped, and he lunged, disarming her.She shoved angrily at him, furious.“How do you know about that?How dare you come back here, judging me?Where have you been all this time?Frolicking with your Resistance friends?Losing the war?”

“We sent out a call for help at the Battle of Crait.Nobody came.Everyone’s so afraid- they’ve given up.We can’t win this war without help.So, whose side are you on?”He waited, holding his breath.

Zorii paced, movements stiff and angry.“If I help you, that doesn’t mean I forgive you.”

“Of course not.”After what he’d done, he expected she never would. 

“What do you want?Why did you come back here?”

"We need allies.”Poe took in a steadying breath.“Kijimi has been crushed by the First Order for longer than other places.We want to know if everyone here is still afraid, or if they’re angry enough to fight.”

“You want us to join the Resistance?”She laughed. 

He didn’t laugh with her.“Yes, I do.” 

She touched the side of her helmet, the panel over her eyes sliding open, revealing their hazel green depths.“You’re serious.”

Finn finally spoke.“Do you want all those children back?”

“What?”Her tone was short, irritated. 

“The children.The ones that they took.”

Zorii scoffed.“That’s impossible.They’re conditioned, turned into mindless soldiers.They can never come back.”

“I did.”Finn’s tone was solemn. 

Zorii blinked, her head jerking back in surprise and disbelief. 

Poe nodded.“Finn was a Stormtrooper.He helped me escape a First Order ship, helped bring intel to the Resistance, and now he fights with us.”

“If I did it, that means it’s not impossible.”Finn said, voice strong, hopeful.“Would you do it for them?”

“Yes.”Her answer was quick, no hesitation.“I know a lot of people who would.”

As if noticing their open position for the first time, her posture changed.“Follow me.” 

She led them through twisting alleys in the Thieves’ Quarter, avoiding the pockets of patrols, finally winding them through a busy bar to a large back room.They settled at a dirty table with mismatching chairs and she slipped the helmet off of her head, setting it next to her. 

“What happened when you spoke to the First Order?”Poe asked. 

Zorii shook her head.“Not much.I didn’t expect to meet the Supreme Leader; they didn’t give us many details about the gathering.The opulence-” she broke off, snarling, “it was disgusting.Flaunting all that when people here are starving.I wanted to kill him myself.But he’s terrifying.Choked one of his own Council members at the dinner table when he insulted the woman he’d brought.”She frowned. 

Poe tried to modulate the eagerness of his voice.“The woman.How did she seem?”

“Quiet.Sweet.It didn’t make any sense, the two of them together.”Zorii paused, considering something.“Part of the reason nothing much happened was, I think, due to her.When I spoke with him, he was open to allowing the spice trade to resume, however, he looked down at her and something changed.”She shook her head.“I could have been reading more into it than there was.He guided her away, cut our discussion short.”

“You weren’t.”Poe said.“Her parents were addicts, both died of an overdose.”

“You _know_ her?!”Zorii exclaimed. 

“More than know.” Finn muttered under his breath.

Poe shot his friend a warning glance.

“Oh.”Her face took on a knowing look.“Well then.There’s a story.”Folding her arms on the table, she leaned forward expectantly.

“I- can’t really go into it.”Poe shifted uncomfortably. 

She sighed.“Fine.”Changing the subject, she continued.“If you want allies, you’ll need to meet with the heads of the crews.Which won’t be easy.You are not their favorite person.”Poe felt the judgement in Zorii’s gaze, but her attention quickly shifted to Finn.“However, many of them will be eager to hear from you; if anything will get them to cooperate it will be the possibility that their children can come home.The primary issue is someone may give you up to the First Order anyway.” 

Poe shrugged.“We’ll take the risk.”

“It’s your funeral.You can stay here.I’ll do my best to get as many to meet with you tomorrow as I can, but then you need to leave.It’s too dangerous here for both of you.”Her eyes glanced around furtively, as if someone could be listening to them even now. 

Poe caught her hand as she rose to leave.“Thank you.”

Zorii shook her head.“If what your friend says is possible, that’s enough.And don’t thank me yet.This could all go terribly wrong.”Securing her helmet back over her head, she left. 

Finn leaned back in his chair, his hands braced behind his head.“So, we wait.”

Poe nodded.“We wait.”

____________________________________________________________________________________________

A gruff older man sat in front of Poe, his thick hair streaked with silver, a long, neatly trimmed beard covering half of his face.Several blasters were holstered on his tech belt, and his arms bulged under the simple wool sweater he wore.Poe didn’t know him, which was both a blessing and a curse in the current situation- no bad blood, but also no way to assess how he’d react. 

Despite the fact this was their fifth meeting, and arguably it should have gone easier for them after four other runs of the same questions and conversation, something was different.The previous representatives had been younger, speaking for their crew members who had lost children.This man had lost a child of his own.He also exuded an air of authority and wisdom the others had not.

He was going to make the decision for everyone whether they would ally with the Resistance or not.Poe was sure of it. 

The man, Vrad, had been grilling Finn for twenty minutes, trying to find a flaw in the story. 

“They took my Kira when she was ten.It’s been five years.Why did they change from taking newborns to taking older children?What use could they have for her?”Vrad’s eyes glinted in the dim light, sharp and skeptical. 

Finn shook his head.“I’ve been out of the First Order for several years.My best guess is they’re getting desperate for more troops, and want to expand quickly.They may have found a way to re-condition older children.Without seeing it, I have no way to know what it is they’re doing.All I know is that the conditioning _can_ be broken.”

“So, you don’t know anything for certain.”The tone was almost triumphant, like he’d caught them out.Poe bristled, shifting in his chair. 

Finn let out a frustrated sigh.“I’m telling you what I do know.I won’t make things up or overpromise.”

“Does the Resistance have a plan for how to handle this?The conflict will be a bloody one.How can we be sure our children won’t die by our hands?”Vrad looked down at his own hands as he said this, seeming to imagine the blood that could be on them should he decide to move forward. 

“You can’t be sure.”Poe cut in, bluntly.“But the alternative is to leave them there.It’s as simple as that.”

Zorii hissed from the corner, displeased with his answer.Poe didn’t care.It was the truth.Like Finn had said, they weren’t going to overpromise.The First Order was vast, with tens of thousands of troops, maybe more, and they weren’t going to be able to save everyone. 

He gruffly nodded at Poe.“Honesty.I can appreciate that.”Vrad paused, thinking.“But, after, how are we to know you won’t hold them hostage from us?Our ways of life don’t exactly- mesh.”Another issue seemed to occur to him then.“Would they be tried for war crimes?”

“We’re not asking you to marry us.” Poe replied drily.“We need help overthrowing the First Order.As for the war crimes, Finn wasn’t held accountable for those actions; he’s been treated according to the decisions he’s made moving forward.As for the officers- that I can’t answer.”

“Do you think any of the children would have become officers?”The question was full of surprise and concern.

“Doubtful.”Finn said.“But anything is possible, so it’s best not to rule it out.”

Vrad’s large hand stroked at his beard, examining them both.“What do you need from us?”

Poe tensed.What would the General do?He’d never expected to get this far, hadn’t thought ahead.Leia was always the mastermind behind the Resistance plans, not him. 

He’d just have to make it up.“Right now, we need to know we have your loyalty.We’ve been operating with cells of Resistance fighters strewn across the galaxy.No cell can identify another.You would be your own cell, here in the Thieves’ Quarter.Designate a point person with me, and designate a meet point, with a password.After Finn and I leave, someone will come to make contact and set up your method of communication with us.”Poe glanced over at Zorii.“Eventually, we’re going to ask you to overthrow the occupation of this planet.”

“There’s more of us.”Zorii said from the corner, her attention turning to the older man.“We’re not alone anymore.There’s hope.”

Poe watched as a large, weathered hand extended out to him.“I speak for the Thieves’ Quarter.We agree to join you in the fight.”Poe clasped the hand in a firm shake. 

They spent the next half hour ironing out the passwords and meeting spots, while Zorii provided information on how best to enter and exit from the planet without detection despite the hyperlane blockades.The First Order’s grip was too tight for spice running, but smaller transports could get in and out with minimal attention. 

Just before they left, Vrad stopped them.“Is it true- that Luke Skywalker was on Crait?That he fought Kylo Ren?”

"Yes.I saw it myself.”Poe replied.“He gave us the time we needed to escape, so the Resistance could live on.”

Vrad nodded.“You hear stories…” 

“- it’s hard to know if they’re true or not.”Zorii finished.

“Well, that one is, for what it’s worth.”Finn said. 

Vrad was silent for a moment, his expression solemn.“May the Force be with you.”

“And also with you.”Poe replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew!! Sorry for another longer absence. 
> 
> Again, I tried to make up for it with many chapters!
> 
> Comments/feedback/kudos all appreciated!! :)


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

“You don’t have enough power or reach for Shii-Cho.”Ben said.“We’ll move on.”

Sweat dripped down my spine.Practicing against Ben was like taking a final exam in a language I’d never learned.I was going to fail.He and I had been through this all before, but we’d both been younger, and he’d been easier on me, still a student himself. 

“I have a stunning sense of déjà vu.” I retorted.“We could have saved a lot of time if we’d skipped it altogether.”

He leveled a cool stare at me.“It’s the most basic form.It establishes foundational movements and target zones.You cannot run before you walk.”

“Why are we even bothering?”I slumped onto the floor, staring around the huge open space he used as a training area on Mustafar. 

It never mattered how hard I tried, lightsaber combat had never come easily to me; I scraped and clawed for every small inch of progress.Any other apprentice would have been much further along than me after the Temple had burned, so I was already at a disadvantage.Add almost eight years of no training on top of that and I felt hopelessly behind. 

“Do you want to quit?”His tone mocked me. 

“Of course not!”I snapped.

“Then get up.Your impatience and complaints are pathetic.”The statements were like whips along my spine.I continued to forget this Ben was a cruel teacher, and had no room for my emotions.“Makashi opening stance. _Now_.”

I flipped my saber into my dominant hand, turning so my side faced Ben, the blade pointed at the floor toward him.I adjusted my grip, my thumb pointed down the length of the blade, fingers wrapped around the rest of the hilt tightly.Baring my teeth at Ben, I brought the blade up vertically, directly in front of my face, and swung it at him in an X-pattern, ending in my previous position. 

“You are fully aware that you just challenged me to a duel.”Red light danced across his face as he armed his own weapon.

In vain, I tried to quell my hurt and irritation, reaching for some semblance of control.Shocking myself, I snarled at him as a reply.

“This is a foolish endeavor.”Ben hadn’t moved, waiting. 

I attacked him, dancing forward, slashing upward to force his horizontal parry away from me so I could quickly retreat and change my one handed grip to two in order to meet his powerful, but predictable, downward blow.I nimbly stepped sideways, sliding my blade from under his to avoid a battle of physical strength, which I would lose. 

Giving ground on purpose to allow myself time to recover, my arms and shoulders singing with pain from just one of his powerful hits, I took a deep breath.I had to be faster than him.The training space on Mustafar was one large, open area, previously a hangar bay.There was no terrain or levels to use to my advantage. 

Swapping my grip again, I moved us in sweeping circles and figure eights, never allowing him close enough to me to get a solid hit.But even his glancing blows were punishing, and though the one-handed grip used in Makashi gave me increased range of movement and blade control, the form itself was prone to weakness when it came to an opponent with brute physical strength.Ben was going to catch me at some point and bash through my defense.His long strides almost erased any advantage I had in terms of quickness. 

Somehow, I did manage to stay ahead of him, but the distance was hard-earned, my lungs burning as breath sawed in and out of me.The room was stiflingly hot.Ben kept testing me, varying the direction and speed of his blows, continually advancing, never giving me any rest.Doggedly, I kept at it, determined to last against him.I deflected a few hits with a push of Force, which seemed to surprise him.My dominant side was aching with fatigue. 

I saw the moment he became impatient with my game of avoidance, his jaw clicking over to the side and back again, mouth twisting with the movement.He lunged, the hit harder than the last, almost disarming me.I stumbled back, but grabbed my weapon with both hands, aware he was about to rain fury down on me. 

I impressed myself by lasting through four blows, the pain singing all the way to my hips each time our blades met, the final one bringing me to my knees before him, my arms shaking with the effort of preventing him from slicing into me.I tried to get up twice, but he held me down with ease, increasing the pressure, his leverage giving him an even greater advantage.I growled in frustration, but I felt my muscles lock and collapse, my guard breaking until both cyan and red glowed near my eyes, crackling. 

“I yield.” I spat at him through the blades.

“You should have yielded two minutes ago.I had you.”Ben wouldn’t move.

“Call me an optimist.”I shot back, irritated. 

“Again, I call it foolish.”His tone was disaffected. 

Abruptly, the pressure from his weapon was gone, and I almost pitched forward.Catching myself, I turned my own weapon off and came to standing, a sharp intake of breath leaving me as I felt the aching tension in my back from trying to fend him off. 

“You’d think that blade weighed a ton- you wield it like it’s a war hammer.”I rubbed at my shoulder, wincing. 

“We can move on to Form III tomorrow,” he said casually. 

I blinked, shocked.“What?”

His left eyebrow made a bare twitch.“You demonstrated proficiency with Form II today, and effectively combined it with Form I.If we decide it’s the form we should proceed further with, we’ll return to it.It certainly came back to you with ease.Well remembered.”

I filed the moment away as the closest thing he would ever give me to a compliment when it came to training.I had been rubbish with the other forms before, so I suspected there would be open derision and disgust in the coming weeks.It also concerned me that my best form was inherently weak against forceful opponents. 

“Makeshi isn’t the best against you.”I blurted.

“True.”Ben stalked toward me, cupping my jaw in one of his hands.“Do you expect to be facing me in deadly combat, little one?”

I sucked in a breath.“No- it’s just-“

“Yes?” 

My mind scrambled desperately, trying to shield him from the thoughts that maybe I did need to defend against him, if I didn’t turn.“Well, it’s not great against the Knights, either.You- and them- that’s who I have to train with.So…”I trailed off.

“I see.You want victory over your opponents.”The corner of his mouth quirked up.“’Through power I gain victory.’”

I wrinkled my nose at his quote from the Sith Code.“No, I need to be proficient enough to survive an encounter.”

He bent, his mouth next to my ear.“You would be more powerful, if you just gave in.I could give you that if you trusted me.Let me show you.”Ben’s voice was low, one of hands sliding to cradle the back of my neck.I felt the same crackle around us as I had yesterday when he looked like Death himself gazing at me in the alcove’s shadows; and in the cell the day we’d reunited.

The planet was saturated with cataclysmic, dynamic power, humming all around me, vibrating under my feet.I thought I heard something calling my name, deep in the planet.

“Each of us has darkness.”His other hand wrapped around my lower back, drawing me in.“You’ve seen so much of mine.”Ben’s teeth grazed my ear delicately.“Let me see yours.”

Objectively I knew he was right, I had those dark places within me.I’d felt them before, when I was alone.It was what had gotten me through most of the time on Nar Shadda, whispering secrets in my ear, warning me against those who wanted to hurt me.I’d survived because of it.But once I’d found the Resistance, I hadn’t needed it, and it faded into the background, quiet and small. 

“It would talk to me.”I whispered to Ben.“When I was alone.That’s how I made it- something in me knew when a person was wrong- dark.Because I felt my own darkness vibrate with it, and that protected me.”I swallowed.“With you, it’s different.It doesn’t repel me from you, and never has.I felt you that first time, and it sang to me.It wanted you. _I_ wanted you.”

“What is it singing to you now?” 

I’d been trying so hard to tune it out.Especially here, where everything called to it.

**_Submit._**

I trembled.It wasn’t a song, but a chant, loud and insistent, thrumming through my blood.Was that my darkness?Ben’s?Something else?I couldn’t tell. 

**_SUBMIT._ **

“It says-“ I shuddered as he tightened his hold around me.“Submit.”

His fingers dug into my hair, pulling my head back, exposing my throat.“And what do you get, if you do this?”

_You can have everything you ever wanted.You’ll never be alone again.He will be yours._

“I get you.I’ll never be alone again.”I felt the tears sliding down from the outer corners of my eyes, across my temples and into my hairline.I didn’t want to be alone anymore.I wanted Ben. 

“All you have to do is submit?”He made it sound simple, like it wouldn’t cost me anything at all.

**_Yesssssssssss._** A hiss like a snake inside my head.Maybe it was simple.I couldn’t think straight with Ben’s hands on me, his mouth so close to my ear, my neck bared to him.If I allowed it, I could be powerful, like him.No more frustration, no need for patience.I recalled the few times I had channeled anger, how easy it had been, how I’d been able to force him back, even if it was only for a bare second.Now, the best I could hope for was evasion.For some reason, my thoughts drifted to the long scar that ran along Ben’s face. 

_Rey gave him that scar._ I frowned slightly.I’d never asked where it had come from- so how did I know that?Was that true? _Imagine how powerful she was, to do that to him.You’re not that good as a Jedi, but what about as something else?_

He rained a slow line of kisses down my throat.“This _was_ her handiwork.”Ben met my eyes, a curious glint in his. “Is that what you want?To best me in combat?How surprisingly bloodthirsty of you.” 

I was lost, staring into his dark eyes.There was a roaring in my head.His lips brushed mine. 

“Let it in,” he whispered against my mouth. 

There it was, so close.I started to reach out, to take the power, but a panicked voice inside me pulled me back. _What about Poe?The General?Finn?What are you doing?!_

I struggled against him.“I can’t.I can’t.” 

Shockingly unperturbed by my resistance, he held me still.“You don’t have to decide now.”He was soothing me with long, slow strokes of his hand along my back.“We have plenty of time.”

Relieved by the absence of his anger, I went limp in his hold.My body hurt, and my eyelids were heavy, drifting shut despite my attempts to blink them open again.Ben swept me into his arms.I had a funny little thought that I should really be keeping track of how many times he’d done this, carrying me around like I weighed nothing. 

I thought I’d only closed my eyes for a second, but then we were upstairs, and he was stripping me out of my training clothes, already naked himself. 

The cool water of the shower perked me up, and he lathered my hair with shampoo.His face looked almost serene as he helped me.I tentatively reached out with a small tendril of Force, trying to pick up on what he was thinking. 

This process was apparently meditative for him, and I got the edges of a few thoughts about the smell of the shampoo, the feel of my hair in his hands, the glide of the soap on my skin.Something about- eyelashes?

“You could ask, you know.”I startled at his voice, so intent on probing carefully. 

“I can never tell with you, like you can with me.That’s always been difficult.”I admitted.

He tipped my head back, rinsing my hair.“I wouldn’t want to subject you to what my mind is like.” 

I frowned as he smoothed conditioner down the length of my hair. 

“You’ve felt it.Before.” 

Chaotic.Barbed.Sharp.Dissonant.The memory, of something snagging at me, ripping a part away from me.I shivered. 

If he felt my shudder, he didn’t say, handing me a bar of soap and moving under the spray to wash his own hair.I quickly lathered and rinsed, stepping around him and wrapping myself in a large towel, my bare feet padding softly as I went back into the bedroom.Tired again, I sat on the edge of the bed, combing through my wet hair. 

“You need a nap.”There was a slightly teasing tone to the statement, and he dried and dressed himself with efficiency as he spoke.“I have to go back to the _Steadfast_ to attend to some- matters.”I watched him become Kylo Ren as he pulled on the black uniform, attached his cape, laced up the dark boots.His hair was still wet, so he tucked the helmet beneath his arm. 

I did want to sleep.Standing up, I pulled on one of the soft silk pajama sets Marta had left for me, sighing at the cool feel of the material on my skin.Ben watched me crawl into bed.I smiled at him. 

We stared at each other in silence.There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but I remained quiet.

After a few beats, Ben broke our shared gaze.“I’ll be back later.”

I watched him stride out of the bedroom.Whatever “matters” had come up must have been important, as he’d been managing most of his responsibilities from his datapad up until today.Perhaps I could ask about it when he returned. 

Exhausted, I snuggled under the covers and dropped into a dreamless sleep.


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

“Our intelligence indicates the Resistance is on Kijimi.”General Parnadee stated, her eyes sliding over to look at him.

Ren sensed her curiosity; she was wondering how he was going to handle this, especially after meeting his consort the other night at dinner.He frowned to himself.Consort?What an odd choice of word- she wasn’t his consort- she was just… _his_.Shaking himself out of the strange thoughts, he focused on his Council.

“What is it they think they are going to accomplish?”Pryde asked, derision dripping from his voice.“We have a stranglehold on the planet.”

“We picked up visuals of these two men.”Parnadee continued, a few blurry stills projected above the center of the long conference table.“We believe one of them is the traitor FN-2187, and we strongly suspect the other is Commander Poe Dameron, but we cannot be sure.”

Ren stiffened. _The pilot._ “You aren’t sure?”

“There isn’t a clear visual, but we’ve recently learned that he ran spice before he joined the Resistance- in fact, he was the head of the Spice Runners of Kijimi, along with Zorii Bliss, who was in attendance at the dinner with us the other night.”Parnadee turned to him.“You spoke briefly with her, but we didn’t make any specific agreements to allow them through the blockade.”

He was distracted by the information that Dameron had previously run spice- did _she_ know?Ren couldn’t imagine that she’d be involved with anyone who had a past that involved drug running, not with her parent’s history.Jealousy burned in his veins.Again, he pulled himself back to the present conversation.This needed to stop- he was losing focus more and more often lately. 

Pryde was the only one who seemed to notice he was preoccupied.“This is an opportunity.We should take them into custody.” 

Ren’s mind raced.How would she react to that?Were they ready for a test like this again, so soon?He recalled the altercation in their quarters, how she’d slashed through the wall, distracted him, threw herself at his mercy in an effort to save her friends.What would she do if he took them prisoner, tortured them?He itched to get the pilot out of the way, eliminate him as a threat.Ren could sense she had _feelings_ for the man.Unacceptable. 

“Yes.”The word came out louder and more clipped than he’d intended.“Bring them both here.I will complete the interrogation myself.”

“I’ll give the order immediately, Sir.”Parnadee popped up from her seat, and Ren nodded at her.She left the room with long, efficient strides. 

“Is that really the best use of your time, Sir?They pose little threat.”Hux said, speaking up for the first time.

“Dameron escaped my grasp once.”Ren felt his jaw twitch under the helmet.“It won’t happen again.”His head was pounding, and he was sick of Hux always questioning him. 

Pryde diverted the meetingto more mundane topics, troop movements, ship deployments, supply issues; and he forced himself to listen carefully, giving feedback when needed.Pryde was an effective Alliegient General, but Ren needed to maintain control if he was going to avoid a coup.One mistake could be the end of everything. 

“Is that all?”Ren asked when there was a lull in the discussion. 

Pryde glanced down at his datapad.“Yes, Sir.” 

“I’m returning to Mustafar.Inform me immediately when the prisoners arrive.”He didn’t wait for an answer, striding away and out of the conference room, headed back to his transport. 

Should he tell her?If he did, and she somehow warned the pilot and the traitor, what would that mean?Her loyalty needed to be with him and only him, and he wouldn’t be able to forgive yet another lapse.His anger could get the best of him, he might make another mistake that drove her further away from him.Ren felt the familiar splitting of his skull intensify as his thoughts whirled in his head. 

_This will tell you if she truly cares for you.Should she turn from you again, warn them, you will eliminate her._

_She’s a caring person.It is in her nature.If she helps them escape, or warns them, you’ll simply need to try harder._

Stepping into the ship, he slipped the helmet off and pressed his palms to the sides of his face, trying to quell the push and pull of the debate raging inside him.Neither side was winning, and he felt confused, out of control. 

Helpless. 

Ren felt the panic rise, forced himself to breathe through it, and shoved his emotions under.This issue would have to wait.They needed to return to the _Steadfast_ soon, their time on Mustafar coming to a close, for now.He had ordered a more expansive set of rooms prepared for them - he’d packed everything himself, not wanting others touching her things, or his.Ren paused to put in a note for the droids to leave the containers packed.Perhaps settling into a new set of quarters would keep her distracted upon their return to the ship. 

He knew he was stalling.It was inevitable she would pick up on the presence of her friends; and that was partially his own fault- her training was going well. 

Ren settled himself at the controls.It was a problem for later.


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV

“Why can’t things ever go smoothly?”Finn yelled as they ran through the winding alleyways of the Thieves’ Quarter, beset upon by a legion of Stormtroopers.

“Aw- c’mon, what fun would that be?”Poe shot back cheekily, firing his blaster blindly behind him in the hope he’d hit something.In truth, he was actually worried. 

He didn’t think they were getting out of this one. 

Everything had gone sideways after the last meeting.When they’d tried to make their way back to the ship, it was clear they’d either been betrayed or they had failed to avoid the First Order’s surveillance of the planet.From Vlad’s shocked reaction, it was most likely the latter. 

Poe had been surprised when Vlad and Zorii both immediately went for their blasters, ready to help them successfully escape the planet, but Poe had managed to convince them to abandon the idea.He’d sent a coded message ahead to Connix.Whatever the outcome of this firefight, the mission itself had been completed and was a success.They would prime Kijimi to overthrow the First Order occupation.Poe and Finn were just two people.Small in the grand scheme of things.

Finn broke through a door, leading them through a living area, several shocked pairs of eyes on them as they scrambled through to the other end of the domicile, exiting out into yet another alley.Fifteen minutes later, they’d passed through countless homes, angry and frightened yells echoing behind them as they crashed through- and each time, troopers blocked off their escape.

They were trapped.Poe met Finn’s eyes, both of them crammed into a small alcove in the side of a building.“We don’t both have to be captured.” 

Finn shook his head before the statement was even out.“No.I’m not leaving you to be taken prisoner again.”

Poe pressed the issue.“Finn- I’m not an idiot.Leia is training you to become a Jedi.If Ren gets his hands on you..” he trailed off.

He watched as Finn realized what that would mean.The First Order would have the only two remaining Jedi left, other than the General. _Ren_ would have them both.Poe wasn’t going to allow it.Not if he could help it. 

Poe indicated a door one street down.“We’re going to head in there.I know a guy in the back, Babu Frik.He’s got a smuggling compartment, and it’s big enough for you.I’m going to get you in there, and draw them away.Babu will get you to Zorii when all this blows over, and you can head back when the Resistance finally makes contact with them.” 

“We can figure this out.There has to be another way.”Finn argued.

“Not that I can see, buddy.I know these streets.We’re pinned.They might give up if they get one of us, but they’ll tear this place apart if we both disappear.” 

Poe grabbed Finn’s arm and they ran across the street into a crowded, dimly lit bar, through an arched doorway and down two flights of stairs.

“Babu Frik!”Poe yelled.

The workshop was cramped, walls obscured by shelves full of tools and old parts.A small, wizened creature lifted its head from the mess of wires and metal, its long brows sticking out stiffly from a tiny face. 

“What the-?”Poe heard Finn mutter. 

“Babu, I need you to hide my friend Finn in your smuggling compartment.”

A steady stream of irritated Anzellan popped out, high pitched. 

“Yes, yes, I know, I know.I left, it was a whole thing, everyone’s angry, but they’re all over it now.Everyone is friends again.”

A dubious grunt came from Babu.

“Contact Zorii once all the excitement blows over.She’ll know what to do with him.”Poe knelt down and stared into the wide, intelligent eyes.“Please.We won’t both make it out.Help me.” 

“Finefine.Hide.”Babu said, gesturing to the corner of the workspace.Poe shoved a large workbench away from the walls, parts clanging onto the floor.Babu clicked and screeched in annoyance of his carelessness.

Yanking the compartment open, Poe motioned Finn over.“Get in.”

Finn paused at the opening.“I can’t do this.”

“It’s an order.Get in.”He glanced over at Babu Frik.“Before we all get caught.”

That statement seemed to spur Finn forward, folding himself into the compartment, and Poe didn’t give him a chance to change his mind, closing it off and shoving the workbench back in front of it.Poe closed his eyes briefly.No goodbyes.It was bad luck. 

He turned to the tiny figure standing over a droid head.“I was never here.”

Babu waved a tiny arm, which was covered in armor, and flipped his goggles down over his eyes, lighting a small torch.“Yeahyeah.” 

Poe darted out of the cantina back into the alleyway.Laser flashes glowed briefly between buildings, and he heard shouts, and a loud thumping.The UA-TT walkers, headed his way.This was it.All he could do was lead them away from Babu’s shop and hope that Finn would make it out later.He darted through the streets, avoiding the net of First Order troops slowly closing in on him.

Finally, he had nowhere else to run.Leaning against a freezing cold wall, he grabbed a flask out of his pocket and took a huge pull of skordu.It burned all the way down to his belly.He had missed it, the bitter taste. 

Poe couldn’t help his mind drifting to the last time he’d been captured.The holding cell had no bars, not that it needed them when he was shackled so tightly to the chair.They’d beaten him, intermittently, varying the times of day and the intensity.Softening him up for the principal interrogator.Kylo Ren. 

Bravado had done nothing for Poe in the face of that monster.Resistance had been futile.Holding out against that probing creature, for an ordinary person, was impossible. 

Should he just shoot himself now?This time, there would be no Finn to save him, and he’d give away all the plans they’d just painstakingly made within minutes. 

But- perhaps they wouldn’t even take him to Ren this time.Or…Poe shook a ridiculous thought away.He wasn’t special, not like Finn or Rey, or the General.He couldn’t reach out to her like she could to him, wasn’t able to appear light years away. 

It was worth a try.Poe closed his eyes, and thought of her.Clenched every muscle, straining to wherever she was in the galaxy. 

Nothing happened. 

He chuckled at himself.A bright light blinded him, and shouts rang out.Troopers surrounded him, ripping the flask from his hand and disarming him, shoving his wrists into binders. 

“Take him to the ship.Orders directly from the General.He’s to go to the _Steadfast_.The Supreme Leader wants a word with this one.” 

Poe hung his head, defeated.So much for the chance of avoiding his earlier fate; Ren was going to rip into him once again, and he’d be unable to stop it. 

His only hope was that Finn made it out in time, before he was forced to give up every secret in his mind.


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

I woke up, gasping.“POE!” 

I grasped at the feeling, but it quickly slipped away from me.What had gone wrong and where, I didn’t know, but I’d felt Poe, like _he’d_ tried to find _me_.Reaching out, I couldn’t sense Ben.Hopefully, he was still on the _Steadfast_.I bit my lip, uncertain about what to do.Other people could see me the last several times I’d appeared, and I didn’t know where Poe was, who he was with, or what he was doing. 

It was too risky to blindly go to him.But what was my other option?I could be quick, maybe.Blink in and out, just like a ghost, or a trick of the light. 

Settling on the floor, hidden from sight behind the bed, I thought of Poe; but each time I thought I had him, he slipped away from me.I tried again, harder this time, pouring more focus into it. 

A screeching, tearing sensation ripped through my body, like I was being dragged across a frozen landscape, ice catching on bare skin.A cell.Dark.I wanted to vomit, my insides twisting and burning, but I forced myself to concentrate.Poe was staring at me, mouth gaping open, worry creasing his features.

“Hi.” I croaked out.“You called?”

“It worked,” he breathed. 

Trying to nod, I realized I couldn’t move.Words were hard to form.“You have to tell me what’s happening.Fast.”For some reason, I couldn’t hold myself to him for long. 

“I was captured on Kijimi.I’m on a First Order transport ship, headed to the _Steadfast_.The officer in charge of my capture said Ren wanted to talk with me.”Poe started to scoot himself across the floor.“What’s wrong.Something is different.You look fuzzy.” 

It was like I was being rearranged, atom by atom.This wasn’t a fixed point.This ship was in light speed.I had to stop.Now.“Don’t do anything stupid.”I swallowed, bile coating my mouth.“I’ll get you out.”

He started to shake his head, say something, when I lost my grip, followed by a sickening sensation of crashing back into my body on Mustafar.I found myself clinging to the floor like I was about to slide off of it.The room spun, my body flashing hot and cold.I dragged in one breath, then another, then another.

A panicked face appeared in my sightline, ethereal, disconnected.It was contorted in a pained expression, yelling at me. 

**_He’s coming!!!You can’t let him know!!!Tell him it was me!_ **

I reeled from the desperation in her voice, deafening inside my head.What was happening?I was coming unhinged from reality.Someone was screaming. 

Wait. _Ben._ Ben was back, headed my way, and I was in no shape to explain myself.I felt shattered, no time to recover, no time to explain.

The face was still there, hair floating around her face like she was underwater, eyes frightened- for me?Was she afraid for me?Who was this? 

**_Tell him it was me._ **

She faded right before he burst into the room, tossing his helmet down on the floor, his hands on me, roaming over my body, kneeling over me on the floor. 

“Little one, sweetheart, _look at me_.”Ben’s fingers were on my jaw, and I realized my neck was limp, my head lolling around.I blinked several times, trying to clear my vision. 

_Sweetheart?_ When was the last time he’d called me that?Why was everyone so damn frantic?Where was that screaming coming from?Suddenly, I felt a lurch, as if something finally caught up with me, and everything came back into view. _I_ was screaming.Ben had me cradled in his lap, yelling at a service droid.

I stopped the noises coming from my throat, and his attention whipped back to my face, expression so distraught I lifted my hand and set it on his cheek to soothe him.“It’s okay.”My arm felt leaden. 

Something in his face collapsed, and his hand came up to cover mine, lips turning into my palm to set a kiss there.A shudder went through him, into me.“What happened?”

“I- I don’t know.I woke up, something was wrong, I went- somewhere.A face was in front of me.She was afraid, yelling.There was screaming, then you were here, and then I knew I was the one screaming.So I stopped.”Half-truths.More lies. 

He stood, lifting me with him.“We’re going back to the _Steadfast_.”

“We don’t- “

“If you were just about to insist we don’t have to leave after I found you on the floor, screaming, with blood running from your nose after a phantom woman terrorized you out of your sleep..”I watched him take a deep breath.“Don’t.” 

I lifted my hand to my own face, wiping at my nose and staring at the bright red blood coating my fingers.Ben set me on the counter of the fresher, grabbing a towel from the cabinet.“Tilt your head back.”

I followed his commands, letting him pinch my nose and clean the blood, his expression shuttered.A medical droid came tottering through the door.

“I’m fine.”I insisted, my voice muffled from the pressure Ben was holding on my nose.He arched a single brow at me, his frustration with me coming off of him like giant waves. 

Ben moved aside to allow the droid to assess me.It poked and prodded at me, and I squirmed away from its cold, mechanical hands. 

“Subjects pulse is rapid and elevated, pulse oximetry below optimal levels, epidermis is cold and clammy, blood sugar is low.”The voice was tinny and monotone.“Diagnosis….working..”

“Shock.”I interrupted acerbically. 

“…subject is in shock.Cause unknown.Recommend laying subject on back, elevating legs 12 inches from ground, keep warm, monitor vitals.Further testing is needed to assess for bone fractures, organ ruptures, neurological damage.”The droid turned to Ben.“Should I call for medical transport?”

“No.Leave us.” 

I rolled my eyes.“I could have told you all of that, and I don’t need to be lying down, or to be prodded with more tests.I’m fine.”My teeth started to chatter.

“Clearly.”His tone was cutting. 

I felt tears well in my eyes.“Why are you mad at _me_?”

“You lied.”

My body started trembling along with my teeth, and it felt like I was rattling all the way down to my bones.“You’ll hurt me.”I felt the hot tears sliding down my cheeks. 

I heard the rasp of leather, and his large, warm fingers brushed the tears from my cheeks.He helped me slide off the counter and led me over to the bed, propping my legs up with pillows and covering me with blankets.Ben nestled his body close to me, and I couldn’t help turning into the warmth. 

“Tell me the truth.”His tone was soft, and I thought I caught a hint of sadness. 

I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head, burying my face into his chest.“I can’t handle what happened before- I- I can’t manage that right now.” 

His touch tangled in my hair.“I’m your Ben right now.Trust me.”

_Right now?_ What did that mean?I peeked up at him, curious, and I felt a sigh wash through me.His eyes were warm, kind.It made me realize just how cool and distant he’d been since we’d reunited. 

I took a deep breath.“I woke up because there was something wrong with Poe.”Ben’s body immediately stiffened, and I reached out, grabbing his arm.“Listen to me.”I insisted, waiting until some of the tension left him.“I don’t know how I knew, but I did.So, I reached out to find him.And it- it was more difficult.When I finally found him, it hurt, and it took me too long to figure out it was because he wasn’t at a fixed point.He told me he was in a transport, that you wanted to see him.Then I fell out of it, and I was on the floor.There _was_ a woman, she warned me you were coming, told me I couldn’t let you know, and to blame it on her.”I squeezed his arm.“So, that’s what I did.” 

Ben’s entire form vibrated against mine, every muscle pulled taught.“Does this happen- often?”The question was grated out between clenched teeth.

“Me sensing him in trouble?”I asked, confused as to what part he was referring to.

A curt nod.

“No.This was the first time it felt like someone- called out.”Letting go of him arm, I wiggled upward on the bed, putting myself face level with him, letting our foreheads touch.I snaked my limbs around him, just like he’d done in his sleep with me, wrapping like a vine.It was impossible not to feel his internal battle, the jealousy, rage and frustration.But I felt the other side this time, fighting to push those darker emotions away. 

“What are you going to do?”His voice was a harsh whisper.

“I’m not going to leave, Ben.”I pressed my mouth to his softly.“But I am going to try and free Poe.”

A growl came from deep in his chest.“You would undermine me, again?”

“No- at least, that’s not how I think of it.I would be saving someone who didn’t deserve to be punished or tortured.That’s all.”

“That’s parsing things a little thin, don’t you think?”His eyes snapped open, glinting at me.

I sighed.“Probably.But I’m trying.”

“So am I,” he argued defensively.“You aren’t making it easy.” 

“Neither are you.” I countered. 

“I’m not going to let him go.” 

“I’m not going to let you hurt him.”

Silence stretched between us, only the soft rasp of our breathing filling the bedroom.We stared into one another’s eyes, both resolute; yet our bodies twined ever closer, our hands caressing each other tenderly.Slowly, I let the lids of my eyes fall closed, bumping the tip of my nose into his brow and tracing it down along the long, straight length of his nose.I tilted my head to the side and moistened my lips before kissing him.I’d always loved his lips, so soft and full, his mouth wide and generous. 

He returned my affection gently, but broke away, adjusting me so I was tucked beneath his chin.“We are,” he broke off, seeming to struggle for the language, “going to have a disagreement.”

I burst out laughing into his shoulder at the understatement, but my mirth faded quickly.

“I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you.”The admission was pained, as if ripped from somewhere deep within him.

“I am, too.”I whispered back. 

His grip tightened on me.“I could just keep you down here.”

“You could.”I traced the lines on his tunic with my finger.“But it would only delay the conflict.It might even make the situation worse.”

“I moved our quarters.”

The shift in subject jarred me for a moment.“Why?”

Ben shrugged his shoulders.“I thought you might like to have windows.It’s easy to get disoriented on a ship like that for long stretches of time.You aren’t used to it.”

“Thank you.”It was thoughtful.He seemed to like giving me things.I wondered if it had anything to do with what happened in our quarters before we’d left for Mustafar- maybe he was trying to wipe the memory away for both of us. 

“Would you like to go see them now?” 

I knew what the question really meant- was I ready to head back to the _Steadfast_.He wasn’t going to try and keep me here- but he was also asking if I wanted to go back, knowing that Poe was currently hurtling toward us on a transport, bringing with him an inevitable flashpoint between us. 

“Yes.I’m ready.”The words came out strong, but inside I felt anything but confident. 

“I’ll have the droids pack your things from here, bring them up.”Ben’s tone was distant, already pulling back, separate.An island. 

Despite our words, we didn’t move from the bed for a long time.


	60. Chapter 60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia POV

Leia stared with horror at the coded message from Finn.“How long ago?”

“Six hours, approximately.Poe stuck Finn in a smugglers compartment, it took several hours for the First Order to finally stop patrolling long enough for them to get to him and then get a message to us.”Connix explained.

“Do they know where he was taken?”Leia set a hand on her chest, her heart pounding.

Connix winced.“He’s headed to the _Steadfast_.”

“Options.”Her tone came out sharper than she’d intended.

“An all-out rescue is completely out of the question.The _Steadfast_ is positioned too far from us.We have two cells closer, but they are not equipped for an assault.”Connix blew out a long breath.“I don’t like it, but our only option is the mole.”

Leia nodded.“Get a message out.And get Finn off of Kijimi.”

“Yes, General.” 

Leia’s eyes fixed on the datapad, reading the line over and over. _Poe has been captured by the First Order._ She knew it had been a possibility when she sent them, it was always a possibility.Poe had beaten the odds once, managed to make his way back to them.Perhaps he could do it again, with a little help. 

But this could also be the time his luck ran out.

Leia pushed the thoughts away.They were doing all they could.Connix would contact the mole, and hopefully get Poe off of the _Steadfast_ , preferably before Ben could get his hands on him again.She knew Poe’s short time under interrogation had deeply impacted him, as much as he tried to hide it.He wouldn’t make it through a second time, especially once Ben found out the feelings Poe harbored for the woman he loved. 

The rage she’d felt when Ben had crushed those X-wings…she didn’t want to imagine that directed at one single person.Especially not one that she had come to think of as another son.Leia wondered if she’d be able to bear it, should Ben destroy Poe.So much loss.She couldn’t take it anymore.

_Sure you can.You taught me how._ Holdo’s voice in her mind, a gentle chastisement. 

“General?”Leia startled as a timid voice called out from behind her. 

Turning, she found the object of Ben’s affections hiding in the corner of the conference room, looking quite different from the last time Leia had seen her.Instead of the usual training attire and single braid, she wore a long, flowing dress in a delicate floral print, her hair soft around her face.The change was clearly Ben’s doing, as the fabric looked to be of high quality, and the fit tailored.A thick belt was secured at her waist, her lightsaber hanging from it.Leia felt a pang of sadness as she recalled how her son, when he was very young, had admired her Senate attire, his dark eyes soft as he told her she was beautiful. 

What had happened to that sweet boy?

Pulling herself from the past, Leia smiled and reached out a hand.“Come sit with me.”

“I- I can’t stay for long.I’m afraid I came with bad news.” 

“Poe.We just heard.We are attempting to contact the mole.”Leia said, watching as her guest carefully sat, perched on the edge of the chair as if to take flight at any moment.

“I’m going to try to get him out.”There was a slight tremble in her voice, but the undercurrent was resolute.

Leia carefully considered her.“Do you think you can do it?”

“I need a diversion, and I need to know where in the ship Poe will be taken.If I have both of those things, yes, I think I can.”Her hands twisted anxiously in her lap. 

“Hopefully our mole will be willing to help.The _Steadfast_ is too far away for us here to be of any help, and the cells that are closest don’t have the capacity for an assault of any kind.”Leia sighed. 

“Then it’s up to me.” 

“Maz shared with me what occurred the last time you assisted us.Come back with Poe.You don’t need to endure that again.”Leia swallowed, unsure of her next words, but a flood of protective feelings forced them out.“It may be that my son is far past the point of saving.”

“He isn’t.”Angry eyes met hers.“I promised I wouldn’t leave.I will keep my promise.” 

Leia pressed on.“Sometimes, when we love someone, we see something that isn’t there, something that we want to be true, but isn’t.”

She watched as the young woman stood, the fabric of her skirt billowing out behind her as she turned her back.“As his mother, is that what you think?He is beyond saving?”

“No.”Leia acknowledged she would never be able to truly believe that, no matter what Ben did.He was her child.“But what I am sure of is I don’t want one more person to die trying.Ben needs to save himself.No one can do it for him.”Leia eased herself from her chair, and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.“And you are losing your own battle.Each time you come here I feel it.”

“I haven’t lost it just yet.”She eased her shoulder from beneath Leia’s hand, returning to the corner of the room.“Help me by telling the mole what I need.” 

Leia didn’t quite see the moment she vanished, as it appeared to happen between one blink and the next, but she was once again alone in the room.Grabbing for her cane, she headed out to find Lieutenant Connix. 

They had a plan, of a sort, to rescue Commander Dameron.


	61. Chapter 61

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

I sat on the floor in the middle of a circle of several trunks, rubbing my temples.Exhaustion tugged at me, but it wasn’t the kind that would be solved by any amount of sleep. 

Gathering the generous fabric of my dress in my hand, I stood, surveying the new quarters that Ben had moved us into.To my dismay, there was still an interrogation room set off to one side, near the refresher.There was no guest suite, instead, a work room seemed to have taken its place.I’d found a large trunk of tools, kyber crystals, a few defunct Sith artifacts, and some old lightsaber parts that I’d shoved into the space.Ben could sort that out the way he wanted it. 

My eyes flicked back to the black box within the trunk.I’d set it there with the other tools, but something about it tugged at me.It was locked.No other trunk had anything secured away in that fashion.I would have to remember to ask him about it later. 

The biggest difference in accommodations was the size of the main room, and the stunning panel of windows.The common space easily held a dining area, our desks and the bedroom with ease.I’d been pulling out clothes to hang in the closet before I had decided to seek out the Resistance.Part of me had felt silly appearing there not in training attire, but Ben had probed me about my satisfaction with the clothes Marta had given me, commenting how I didn’t ever wear them.General Organa had taken note of the difference in my appearance. 

_Where is Ben?_ We’d never been far from one another on Mustafar, and I found myself growing restless, even though it had only been a few hours.I cast my awareness out into the ship.No indication of Poe’s arrival.My shoulders sagged in relief.Ben was near the back half of the vessel- with the Knights.They weren’t in the training room.

Curiosity got the best of me, so I headed to the door. Pleasantly surprised to find no guard posted, I exited and headed for the lift. 

As I made my way toward the back of the ship, it was difficult to ignore the thoughts and stares of the ship’s staff.Most were baffled by my presence, but plenty of them were unkind, and I found myself flinching at few particularly scathing judgements.It was strangely vulnerable, walking alone through the hallways.No wonder Ben wore a mask. 

As if by magic, just as I had rounded the last corner toward him, Ben was in front of me, mask in place.For a second, I didn’t register that it was him, and I jolted back, almost tripping.He smoothly caught my arm, swinging me so that my back was to the wall.

“Why are you outside of our quarters?”The question was sharp, made even harsher by the edge the vocoder gave to his voice. 

I stiffened in indignation.“I wasn’t aware I was confined to our quarters.I came looking for you.”

“Why?”

Suddenly, my reasons felt absurd, and the words backed up in my throat.I looked away from the dark shine of the mask and shrugged.I immediately felt him in my mind, searching, and in my embarrassment I tried to push him out. 

“You—missed me?”The last part of the sentence came out as if his mouth was unable to form the words, they were so foreign.

I nodded.I was an idiot, and this had been an ill-considered decision.“I’m sorry, I probably interrupted something important, I can go straight back –“

His finger on my mouth silenced me.I saw the officers passing by giving us surruptitous glances as Ben’s hand moved from my mouth to run over my hair and down the line of the front of my dress.“You look lovely.” 

“Thank you.”I felt exposed, out in the open with Ben touching me.He stepped in closer, and a chill of excitement danced from my scalp all the way down to the base of my spine.I peered back up into the slit of the mask, struggling to make out his eyes.I didn’t like not being able to see his face.“You were with the Knights.”

“Yes.Would you like to meet them?”

I gave a confused expression.“I already have.”

“You have a strange definition of meeting someone, then.”I could swear I heard a smile in his voice, but it was impossible.He didn’t smile anymore.“They’ve either thrown you in a cell or beaten you up.Would you like to see them without their masks?” 

“Oh.”After my last encounter with them, I’d vowed to avoid the rabid pack, but the idea of seeing their faces was too tempting.“Yes.”

He held his arm out to me, and I took it, allowing him to escort me down the hallway and into an expansive meeting room, shaped like a T, with one long, dark table near the entrance, the room lined with windows.Furniture and weapons were scattered haphazardly in the space, along with pieces of what looked to be armor. 

“Ren, you brought us a present.”My head whipped to the side where a man leaned insolently against the wall, knife in hand.His hazel eyes pinned me, baiting. 

This one was easy.“Ushar.” I said with false sweetness.“You’re shorter than I thought you’d be.” 

He barked out a laugh, flashing his un-naturally sharp canines at me.“You’re brave when Ren’s around to protect you.” 

“Really, it’s like you’re asking to be flushed out an airlock at this point.”A feminine voice floated from the corner, and I was shocked to see a woman step into view, blond hair piled atop her head, the hair at the sides of her scalp shaved down short.She waved a hand at me, a half smile tugging at her lips.“I’m Ap’luk.” 

Ap’luk gestured to me to move further into the room, and I stepped away from Ben, skirting around Ushar.A red-headed man lounged on a couch, tipping his head back to view me upside-down.“That’s Cardo.” 

“I’m Trudgen.”I turned to find an impossibly muscled person with dark skin and eyes emerging from a shadowed corner. 

I nodded.“Nice to meet you.” 

His eyebrow quirked up.“Not the greeting I typically get.”

“He’s used to everyone running in terror from him, of course,” a smoky-eyed woman said, entering from a door hidden in the wall.“I’m Vicrul.”

_Two women?_ I searched my memory of the few times I’d met the Knights.I hadn’t been close enough to all of them to gauge their size or height.I’d wrongly assumed they were all men, as menacing as they were with their armor and weapons.Ap’lek and Vicrul were both much larger than me, but standing next to Trudgen, Vicrul looked almost delicate. 

“Where’s- “ I was cut off as a blond man entered through the same door as Vicrul. 

“Kuruk.”His blue eyes were frosty and hard on mine.“Rifleman.Pilot.”He continued his cool assessment of me.“Of the mind that you’re unfit to serve at Ren’s side.” 

I stiffened, my body heating in anger.I held the stare, unwilling to shy away from the challenge in his eyes. 

“Oh, but we all know why our fearless leader allows it, don’t we?”Ushar chuckled.“Take a look at her.I told you this one wasn’t scrawny like the last one.A man has his needs.”

“Silence.”Ben’s voice cut through the room like a whip.“You will show her respect.”

“That’s not how it works here.You know that as well as anyone.”Ap’luk’s words were soft but firm, reminding Ben of – I wasn’t sure what. 

“So, how does it work?”I asked.Kuruk and I remained where we were, gazes still locked. 

I heard a rustling behind me.“Well, luv, you’ll need ta best us for that.Somethin’ I sadly think will ne’er happen.”Cardo’s voice.He had a hypnotizing lilt to his words. 

“All at once, or one by one?”I felt something uncoil inside me, surrounded by these people, all loyal to the Dark.The shadow in me crooned with excitement. 

“Enough.”Ben’s hand was around my upper arm.

Kuruk spoke.“One at a time is permissible.”

A vicious smile spread across my face.“All right, rifleman.”I injected derision into the last word.“I’d love to start with you, since apparently you pilot the ship and hang back using a ranged weapon while the rest of your crew does the real work.”

The room went deadly silent.Ben’s hand tightened again on my arm.“No.You are not doing this.”

“Why not, Ren?Afraid we might break your special toy?”Ushar taunted. 

I heard Ben growl, followed by a loud crack and a thump.No doubt Ushar was currently in a puddle on the floor.I took some sick satisfaction from it, although I found myself wishing I would have done it, rather than letting Ben do it for me. 

“He’s been asking for that for _months_.”Ap’lek muttered.No one seemed to be upset or surprised by Ben’s reaction. 

“Tell you what, Ren, since you’re so fond of this one, we won’t fight to the death.Just until she yields.Unless _you’d_ like to teach her a lesson for disrespecting one of your Knights?”Kuruk finally broke our staring match to look at Ben. 

Trudgen stepped forward, surprising me when he spoke.“Kuruk, there’s no joy in this fight.You saw what happened last time.Leave it be.Let the poor girl alone.”

“Aye, the wee lass dinna know any better.”Cardo added. 

Something inside me truly snapped. _Poor girl?Wee lass?_ Stars, I was sick of feeling weak, second best, less than.“Gentleman, your chivalry is appreciated, but I know precisely what I’m doing.”I cracked my neck.“Besides, you heard the man.It’s only until someone yields.”

“Until _you_ yield, is what I said.”Kuruk shot at me. 

I was on fire, the blood hot in my veins.“Do you need to find a perch so you can shoot at me from a distance, or are we to fight like men?” 

Kuruk’s entire body twitched in response.“Little girl, you best be careful how far you press me.”

“Are we doing this _here_?”Vicrul whispered excitedly to Trudgen.“And is she going to try and beat him in a _dress_?”The last question was almost a squeal. 

I looked around the rest of the room.It was expansive.“Here works for me.”

Ben was vibrating next to me.I turned my head to look up at his face.“I don’t think your friends like me very much.”He had taken off his own mask at some point since we’d walked in, and I could see that his jaw was clenched so tight I was shocked he hadn’t snapped a tooth. 

What had gotten into me?Picking fights I was bound to lose, taunting his Knights, teasing him in front of them this way?I barely recognized myself.

I liked it.

“Let’s go then.”Kuruk said.“Unless—“ 

I felt all of them look at Ben.Waiting to see whether he would let my taunts go unpunished and whisk me away, or allow it to play out by their rules.He was backed into a corner. 

Ben shoved me away angrily.“You dug your own grave this time.Don’t expect me to save you.”

“Of course not.”I pivoted back to Kuruk, knotting my hair at the base of my neck.“That would hardly be any fun.”My gaze went around the room to each of the Knights.“No interference from anyone, right?”

They all nodded. 

“Ushar is going to be pissed he missed this.”Ap’lek said, backing everyone into the area near the entrance Ben and I had come through.Ushar was still unconscious on the floor.

“Then he shouldn’t have been so mouthy.”I retorted, smiling, watching Kuruk select a beskar sword from a pile of weapons at the far end of the room.I ignited my saber, thrilling at the low thrum that ran up my arm.“Rules?”I called out to anyone.

Trudgen replied.“Rules are there are no rules.You’re welcome to use any type of attack, including Force attacks, if you have them.This fight is only until a combatant yields—or loses consciousness, whichever comes first.” 

**_Kill him anyway._** I startled at the thought- it wasn’t mine.I searched Ben’s face, but found it indifferent.Shaking it off, I nodded.“Simple enough.”

“Stop stalling, little girl.”Kuruk called out to me.

I tilted my head.“You know, I really hate it when you call me that.” 

“Good.”Kuruk replied, and came straight at me. 

I whirled away, feeling the skirt of my dress spin out around me, a waft of cool air on my legs.As Kuruk hit nothing but air, I brought the base of my lightsaber down onto his spine with a loud thump.He yelped, stumbling forward, pivoting around and launching at me once again. 

I took the blow, and sent a pulse of Force out, unbalancing him again, giving him no choice but to retreat from me.Kuruk charged back faster than I’d anticipated, but I caught his swing and deflected it, leaping back.I reached my hand out behind me, easily pulling a chair from the meeting table through the air, smacking him in the head.He grunted, and I surged forward, but Kuruk easily parried my attack. 

Despite his quick recovery, I felt power sizzling through me.I’d never grabbed an object that way, that easily, and shoved it at my opponent. 

_This is dangerous._ Something small and scared whispered in my mind, but I beat the tiny warning back, too excited to truly question why I was suddenly so much better.Maybe if I didn’t admit it to myself…

_Ben said it would make you powerful, if you just let it in._ I bit the inside of my cheek.Maybe, just this one time…

Opening wide to allow the power to flow through me, I attacked, faster and faster, stronger and stronger, laughing.I heard Kuruk growl in anger, his irritation with me causing him to grow clumsy.I danced away each time he grew close, running him in circles around the furniture.

I was having fun.I toyed with Kuruk, allowing him to land a few blows, pain vibrating down my arms as I took the full brunt of his power.My breath was coming in fast, my heart pounding in my ears, but all I felt was exhilaration.Combat, for me, always meant struggle or failure.Whatever this was, it was joyful. 

A truly delightful idea occurred to me, and I didn’t even question if I could do it.I simply made it happen. 

Kuruk’s eyes bulged out of his head as a mirror image of me appeared, like a mirage to the side of him.Distracted, he lunged at the decoy as I attacked, lashing out at his legs.He didn’t have time to cry out before he hit the floor, and I landed on his chest, using the Force to grab the beskar sword from his loosened grip, crossing my lightsaber with it at his throat.

“Yield.”I snarled. 

My entire body sang with adrenaline.So this is what it felt like to be powerful, to be victorious, never struggling for every inch of space and dreading every answering blow from your opponent. 

I heard a low, appreciative whistle from behind us.“The lady has been holding out on us.Ren, you dog.That was hot.” 

Clearly, Ushar was conscious again. 

Kuruk tried to dislodge me a few times, but I held fast, careful not to let him buck me off. With each of his attempts, I let the weapons get closer to his neck. 

“Don’t think I won’t.”I hissed. 

A winter storm raged in his blue eyes.“Then do it.” 

“Kuruk.”Ben’s voice cut through the red swimming in my vision, and I stopped the forward motion of the blades barely a centimeter from his throat. 

“I yield.”The statement was ground out between gritted teeth.

I leapt off of him, leaning the sword against the wall and disarming, settling my lightsaber back at my belt.I shook my hair out, allowing it to float down my back again. 

“Gentleman.”I inclined my head at Cardo and Trudgen.“Ushar.”He roared with laughter.“Ladies.”I grinned at Ap’lek and Vicrul.“This has been a delightful diversion, but I have matters to attend to elsewhere.” 

Headed for the door, I glanced at Ben, who sat stone-faced at the table.I ran a hand over his shoulder.“Ren.”The name came out deeper and throatier than I meant it. 

He grasped my hand, stopping me.We remained facing opposite directions as he brought my hand to his lips, placing a kiss on my knuckles.When he released me, I floated away through the door.

I took in a deep, steadying breath as I made my way down the hall.I felt like dancing.Which I shouldn’t.What happened in there was nothing to be celebrating.The scales were tipping. 

Leia had been right.I was losing my battle.


	62. Chapter 62

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Ren sat, stunned.The Knights were taking great pleasure in torturing Kuruk over his recent defeat at the hands of a “little girl”.His Knights assumed she’d hidden herself from them at his behest, a twisted lesson on questioning his choices and authority, but he was just as surprised, if not more, than they were. 

What had he just seen?He’d sparred with her barely a day ago.A different person had emerged in front of him.She’d slipped so easily into that shadowed place, he’d barely felt the shift.There had been a manic sort of joy in her combat, like a devilish sprite, teasing and toying with Kuruk. 

Ren had never seen the trick she’d used, making herself into a twin for just a bare moment.His mind whirled, desperate to understand how she was mastering these abilities he’d never even heard of. 

Had she made this sacrifice for the pilot?His blood froze in his veins.It would make sense; she had revealed herself to him after years in order to save Dameron.The reasoning was sound. 

Ren had only just tempted her again with the power, and she had pulled herself back, insisting she didn’t want it.The only thing that had changed from then to now was the knowledge of their upcoming conflict, and her resolve to rescue Dameron.He recalled her words- _Makeshi isn’t the best against you._

But when she’d allowed the power to flow through her, it had transformed her skills.She hadn’t used any form consistently.It had been wholly her own.It wouldn’t hold up against him for long, but the difference between the last sparring session and today was substantial. 

Something inside him constricted painfully.He didn’t want her to choose the Dark to protect someone else.Ren needed her to choose it for him, because she wanted to be with him. 

Flashes of the recent encounter played in his mind’s eye.She had been stunning, wielding her lightsaber in that dress, swirling gracefully to avoid the hits, sparkling with power.His Knights were feared.True, what she’d said- Kuruk was a ranged weapons fighter, but he was vicious in hand to hand combat.It may have given her an edge that he’d so greatly underestimated her, but that only lasted a minute into the fight.Kuruk had thrown everything he had at her and she’d had the audacity to _laugh_. 

Triumph settled in his chest.This is what he wanted, the reasons wouldn’t matter in the end. 

They would be unstoppable together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this was a monster of an update. We are so close to 100,000 words and I'm still going strong, so again I say I hope everyone's strapped in for a long one. 
> 
> It seems I do better with longer breaks (two-ish weeks) and then really big updates (6-8 chapters) so I might try that schedule again. 
> 
> Forgive the editing mistakes. I try to read through my own work at least three to four times, and I run the spell check, but I know I'm basically posting a zero draft, so there are bound to be errors and some awkward wording. 
> 
> I hope I continue to bring a little joy into your 2020, and I hope you are all safe and healthy!


	63. Chapter 63

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux POV (short)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I am back with another update. Comments are appreciated, and thank you for continuing to read. :)

Hux watched as Ren’s whore strode down the hallway, her steps light and quick.He thought of the message he’d just received from the Resistance.There would be no way around it this time, he would have to help her.Hux tried to remind himself of the greater plot at hand- getting rid of Ren.Every step, no matter how distasteful, was in service of that goal. 

Even so, something within him shuddered.Rebel consorts wandering the halls unguarded.With lightsabers.In expensive dresses.Hux wasn’t sure precisely what he found most offensive about it.All of it was equally out of order. 

He tore his eyes away from the offending sight of her and headed toward the lift.The droid re-programming room should have what he needed, and it was the best option in a time pinch.No personnel worked on that end of the floor, and the droids who repaired and reactivated their other brethren would pay him no mind. 

But there was still the question of how to distract Ren.Hux needed time to get the droid to meet up with her, give her the instructions, and dispose of itself. 

Despite himself, Hux sympathized with how Ren felt about the pilot. _General Hugs._ His nose twitched.It was unfortunate he’d need to assist with the rescue of that cheeky man.He would so enjoy seeing Ren make Commander Dameron squirm in the interrogation chair. 

Exiting the lift, he strode to the droid reprocessing site.An old protocol droid would do- Ren had requested one of those for her before, so she wouldn’t immediately question it.He set to ordering the modifications, and shot out the central processer of the droid that assisted him.He mustn’t leave a single trace. 

Setting the protocol droid on its way, he set off to sabotage his own ship.


	64. Chapter 64

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

I’d barely been back in our rooms for ten minutes when there was a buzz at the door, and a protocol droid stepped inside.An old model, by the look of it.

“Hello.”I greeted it, slightly confused.

“I have an urgent message for you.”The droid’s voice was stilted and broken.“Pilot’s arrival imminent.Less than fifteen standard minutes.Detention cell GH56, access code 4997.If asked for authorization, state DTC338.Hangar Bay 4 will be empty.A TIE waits on the platform, tracking devices are disabled.”Something mechanical scraped loudly in it’s metal frame.“The distraction you asked for may or may not come.I will self destruct.Follow in precisely four minutes.”

Shocked, I watched it leave.This was it.I wasn’t ready.I needed that distraction, otherwise Ben would be on top of me in a matter of minutes.I wouldn’t be able to get Poe safely away in time.Or, perhaps I’d been my own distraction.I knew Ben had been shocked by my performance against Kuruk. 

In the end, it didn’t really matter- I was going to try anyway.I scrambled over to the primary console and brought up a simple schematic of the ship.The detention cells were in the lower levels.Would I get that far without anyone questioning me? 

_Confidence._ I reminded myself. _Act as if you belong._

Unable to afford to wait any longer, I exited and rode the lift downward.I strode down the hall with purpose, my strides eating up the distance to the next lift I needed to take.The number of personnel thinned the further I descended into the base of the ship. 

I approached several troopers, all posted at a circular console.“I am here to take possession of the Rebel prisoner in cell GH56.”I felt their uncertainty.

“Access code?”One finally said. 

“4997.” _Please let this work._ My palms were sweating. 

“That seems to be in order.”I heard the skepticism in his tone.“Authorization?”

“Delta Tango Charlie 338.” 

He shrugged at the other two troopers.“Checks out.”

“Who are you?”The trooper to my left asked, ignoring the first. 

“Is that relevant?”The question snapped out, harsh.“I was sent here to collect the prisoner for interrogation.”

“The codes check out.Let her back.”So many people made the mistake of assuming every trooper was the same; a holdover from the days of the Empire. 

“The General said to be on the lookout for anything out of the ordinary.”The trooper to the left of me insisted. 

Time to play my only card.“My Master will be displeased.”

“Your- Master?”They all exchanged quizzical looks.

“The Supreme Leader.I am his apprentice.He specifically requested that this prisoner be brought to him for interrogation.”I saw one of them clock the lightsaber on my belt, and he nudged the one next to him, indicating it with a tilt of his head. 

“I- I apologize ma’am, but we’ve never -“They were all scrambling now, eager to get me whatever I needed.No one wanted to be on Ben’s bad side, it seemed.I leveled a cool stare at the stuttering man.“- it’s the fifth door back on the left.”

“Thank you.”My heart was pounding out of my chest.I had technically seen Poe several times since leaving Ajan Kloss, but for some reason, the idea of being near him in reality, not in some projected form, had my nerves jangling. 

The door slid open.Poe was lying on a hard bench, his eyes closed, hands laced under his head like a pillow.Somehow he made even that pose look insolent. 

“Prisoner.”His eyes flew open at my voice, and he sat up in a rush.I silenced him with a small shake of my head.“I’m here to take you to be interrogated by the Supreme Leader.I am his apprentice.”I gestured at the binders in my hand.“Resistance will be met with harsh punishment.” 

His face split into a huge grin, and he held out his wrists for me.I shoved him out of the cell, keeping him in front of me, guiding him down the hall and toward the exit.

“Do you need any assistance with the prisoner?”The trooper who had initially questioned me asked hesitantly. 

“No.The Supreme Leader will be pleased.”I nodded at them as I kept walking, my hand on Poe’s shoulder, headed to the lift. 

Once inside, I allowed my shoulders to sag in relief.“We have to make it to Hangar 4, which is all the way across the damn-“ 

Poe’s mouth was on mine.A shock of feeling coursed through my limbs at the touch of his lips, and his breath caught sharply, as if he too felt it.I swayed into him, and he broke the kiss just long enough to loop his bound hands over my head, pulling me in.The warm, wet glide of his tongue over mine caught me like a hook, tugging sharp and sweet in my chest.I felt the tickle of his lashes against my skin, and I breathed in the scent of him, earthy and safe. 

It was difficult to break away, but I did, ducking away from his arms, holding him off with a raised hand.“We can’t- there are cameras everywhere..”I swallowed.If Ben… I couldn’t think about that.“The mole was supposed to provide a distraction, but it might not happen, and if Ben catches up with us- “

“You’re coming back with me.”Not a question.This was Commander Dameron, and I had just been given a direct order. 

Immediately, I started to shake my head.“No, I can’t-“

“- this is the best shot you have at getting away from him.”He moved toward me, backing me into the corner of the space, insistent. 

“You don’t understand.In all likelihood, I’ll have to hold him off just so _you_ can get away.”This was exasperating.I’d never been on the receiving end of him when he was in this mood.I imagined this was how was with his pilots. 

“I’m not leaving without you,” he said.I winced.He meant it.I would not have an easy time getting him off the ship without me. 

The lift slowed, and I shot him a warning glance.“Behave.We have half the damn ship to traverse.Act like a prisoner.”My tone was harsher than intended, but Poe didn’t seem to understand the danger he was in- his focus was on me. 

He lowered his head and allowed me to press him forward, the picture of a docile captive.Thankfully, I’d been through some of these halls earlier, and the initial curious glances were minimal now, even if their thoughts were still too loud. 

_How can she stand to be with that creature?_

_Does she hold the same power?_

_Ren’s whore._

I smarted at that last title.Who knew First Order ships were such gossip hubs?At least it meant, hopefully, no one would challenge me.As we approached an empty stretch, Poe mumbled at me. 

“There are only two or three hangar bays on a Destroyer like this one.They’ll be crawling with activity.”His shoulders were tense.

“Lateral flight deck.”I hissed back as quietly as I could.“Used as a staging area for full-scale invasions.They don’t use it as often.” 

“How much farther?”He asked. 

“It’s at the bow of the ship.”The corridors had been narrowing steadily the longer we’d been walking.“There.” 

Two troopers stood at the entrance.Poe swore under his breath.I walked us over, and addressed them.“You will allow us into this room.After we have entered, you will forget that you saw us, and go to the mess for a meal.” 

They both parroted my words, and the door slid open.I heard them leave as the door closed behind us.It was also the moment I felt Ben.He was coming. 

Thankfully, the hangar was blissfully empty, as promised.One less problem to deal with.I freed Poe from his restraints and activated my lightsaber, thrusting it into the door control panel.It wouldn’t hold forever, but it would buy some time. 

Remembering the times Ben’s wicked red lightsaber had slashed through walls, doors, and floors, I knew the delay would be measured in seconds.

A lone TIE fighter sat waiting.“I hope you can fly that thing.”I commented.“Check for tracking devices.The message I got indicated they would be disabled, but-“

“Already on it.”Poe jogged over to the wall, grabbing a ladder and climbed to the top, disappearing inside.“Hope you’re ready to be my rear gunner.” 

I didn’t reply.Tricking Poe was the only option.I hated what I was about to do.Hopefully he would forgive me. 

“We’re good!”His head popped out of the top of the fighter.“Let’s go.” 

I headed toward the ladder, climbing upward until my face was even with his.“You will close yourself in the fighter, permanently disabling the primary exit hatch.You will- “I was distracted by the scream of a lightsaber through steel, and he only repeated the first two parts of my command.

Poe slammed the top hatch, and after a short pause I heard him swearing, his anger at me hot and bright.I hadn’t had any time to order him away, but at least he was safe inside the ship. 

I just had to keep Ben from crushing him to death. 

I fell more than climbed down the ladder, tossing it away, and disconnected the wire that trapped the TIE to the wall.He could fly away at any point now. 

Ben crashed through a smoldering hole in the door, and I stood trembling behind the wing, frozen. 

“Ben- “ 

“- don’t even start with me.”He snarled, ripping his mask off. 

His hand lifted.I panicked, throwing myself in front of the ship, shoving back against the pressure he was trying to exert.The TIE moved across the hangar floor, metal groaning.I pressed back harder, gritting my teeth, sliding backward along with the ship toward the buzzing forcefield. 

“Stop!”My body screamed with the strain. 

**_He’ll kill you both.Unless…_ **

I required no convincing this time, and reached for the shadow inside, it’s power slamming into me.Red hazed my vision.It was entirely different from the feelings I’d had when fighting Kuruk.There was no joy this time.Only a void, full of my desperation to save Poe. 

“So you’ll give in.For _him_.”Ben was feral, derision and jealousy dripping from his words, his hair falling around his face, eyes piercing through me. 

Although the situation was not humorous, I lifted my chin and bared my teeth, spitting his own words at him.“We’re going to have a disagreement.”

Without giving him time to prepare, I yanked several projectiles from the wall, sending them sailing at his position.He deflected them easily, and they crashed behind him, harmless.I ignited my lightsaber.We stared at one another, chests heaving, both angry, adrenaline blazing. 

Ben came at me, the red light of his weapon gleaming in his eyes.It was his usual opening salvo, a crushing blow from above, vibrating my bones as it hit.But right now I was faster, stronger than before, and the pain barely registered as I met him blow for blow.I dodged the hits I couldn’t match, a fluidity to my body I’d never felt before taking over. 

But his stamina was endless.Ultimately, my increased capacity was still no match for Ben’s radiant power.He was larger and stronger, and the Force crackled around him, almost as if drawn to him against it’s own will.My ferocity kept me going, and I was encouraged by the few times I drove him backward, but he regained the advantage, and I felt myself weaken.The longer the contest of wills went on, the stronger he seemed to become, and I realized too late I was pushing him further toward the Dark, his eyes glowing with golden fire. 

I was pulling too hard on rage and fear simply to match him, and I was approaching a point of no return.There was no guarantee I could best him even if I did give in all the way. 

Inevitably, I went down, blocking another blow from his weapon against the haft of my own, and it flew from my grasp.I rolled away, deflecting another hit with the Force.Before I was able to rise, his knee was on my back, and I felt a set of binders clasp around my wrists.I thrashed, the rage still wild inside me, screaming. 

“Shall we show the Commander what he’s missing?”Ben’s voice echoed in the almost empty hangar.He jerked me up by the binders, shoving me forward. 

I was pinned, face pressed against the wall, the freezing cold emptiness of space only a few metres of steel away.Ben’s body was a fiery, vibrating cage of anger around me, his cape cascading from his shoulders to surround me, shielding me from view. 

“Ben-“ I barely recognized my voice, a bare thread of a rasp, quivering.

Again, addressing him only served to make him wilder, and a muffled, surprised cry escaped my mouth as he shoved one of his gloves past my lips, gagging me. 

“None of your pretty lies.”Despite the deep silkiness of his tone, the words were laced with threat.

I couldn’t stop the shaking that overcame my body.I knew what I would see if I were able to turn.His eyes, shot with yellow, rimmed in red.Ben wasn’t here.What we’d both feared would happen if I chose to help Poe was coming to pass.He’d lost himself in the rage and jealousy.I was sure that had been what tipped him over.It was partially my fault.I needed to make up my mind.But my sense of self was only splitting more the longer I spent with Ben.Instead of my presence stabilizing him, he was ripping me in two.

Ben gathered the full fabric of my dress, tucking it up around my bound hands, exposing me, the cool air causing goose bumps to rise along my thighs.I felt another gust of air and the cape fell from my view.I was on display. 

I could feel Poe watching from inside the TIE fighter.My eyes pricked with humiliated tears as I felt heat pool deep in my core.There was something wrong with me.There had to be.No normal person would become aroused in this situation.Less than a minute ago we’d been trying to kill one another. 

Ben’s large, bare hand slid into my underwear, calloused fingers grazing over my folds.The glove blocked my mouth completely, my jaw aching, but my breath came quicker through my nose, anticipation flushing through my body.The lacy fabric dug into my hips as Ben gave a fierce tug, ripping them off.I whimpered, but stayed still.

 ** _You want this._** I tried to shake away the dark, wanton thoughts, but they stayed, whispering softly in my mind as I felt the wetness grow between my thighs.Ben was silent, but his presence saturated me, burning and dominating. 

I would let him do anything he wanted.

“You want me to punish you.”There was an air of reverent surprise in the statement.

I shook my head, squirming, but there was nowhere to go.Trapped.

“You want this.”Ben’s chest pressed against my back, pinning me to the wall more securely, his hand trapped between our bodies, cupping my sex.His lips brushed my neck, a soft kiss, his breath a hot caress against my skin.“You could push me away.You have access to that power.Do it now.”

The heat between my legs was throbbing, his middle finger brushing against my clit.Our bodies seemed to tense together, waiting.I _could_ push him away, fight harder.I knew it, and so did he.One action, and I could end this game. 

I licked my lips.My breasts were heavy and aching, my nipples hard, chafing painfully against the fabric of my bra with each breath.Embarrassment burned hot within me, making it hard to think.I still needed to get Poe out of here, and he wouldn’t leave- not with me pinned to the wall, Ben towering over me.The situation, from the outside, looked much different from the reality of what I was feeling.But there was no way to explain. 

Ben seemed to sense the busyness of my mind, and the glove was pulled from my mouth.

“I want this,” I whispered, “but not -.”

“Trying to spare his feelings?”He spat out. 

“No.”I moved my hips back, rocking them into his touch.A strangled cry broke from my lips, a fresh burst of sensation blooming over my skin.“Let him go.”

“He can leave anytime.”Despite our vicious fight, his tone was dismissive.He really didn’t care if Poe escaped.What had it been about, then? 

“You know he won’t.And I can’t- I don’t want –“I was having trouble forming words.

“You’re lying.”Two long fingers slid inside me, and my belly tightened, insides clenching around the intrusion.“But your body doesn’t lie.Some part of you wants this.Wants him watching us, watching me take whatever I want.” 

I pressed my hot forehead against the cold wall, concentration breaking, pulled to a place within me that just _wanted_.Lust was a cruel vice.Another finger nestled in me, and I moaned, forgetting everything but him.My vision clouded over and I closed my eyes. 

“Please.”I breathed at him, mortified at what I was asking for. 

Ben’s body grew tighter, his heartbeat a tangible rhythm against my back.I pressed my aching breasts harder into the wall, desperate for relief, my arms growing numb from their restraints.His fingers pulled out of me, brushing light as a kiss over my curls, over the hidden, throbbing bud of pleasure.A feathered caress followed, taunting, and I gasped.

His free arm came around my waist, supporting me, and I realized my legs were shaking.Ben’s chest was heaving, as if he’d run miles, and I felt the hard weight of his cock against me.My head went light as he worked me, faster, harder.I bucked into his hand, desperate. 

My body tightened like a bow, and I broke, small pained cries echoing in the emptiness of the hangar.His teeth sank into my neck, bruising.The world around me seemed to fall to pieces and then reordered itself.Sparks danced behind my eyelids. 

We were silent for a moment, both trembling, and I felt our chests lift and fall in unison.But then the realization swept over me, of what I’d just allowed.

Ben drew in a sharp breath and stepped back, and I felt a yank, the fabric of my dress falling into place once more.I sagged against the wall, unable to face either of them, the ghost of my cries still hanging in the air.My body hummed with pleasure.I should have stopped him.Why didn’t I? 

My hands tingled with pins and needles as he released my wrists from the binders, and I turned around.I was careful not to allow my gaze to flick over to the TIE, to where Poe was watching- I felt his wild mix of emotions, impossible to untangle; but there was a shimmer of relief now, seeing me unbound. 

That relief was going to turn into something else in a moment.A part of me regretted it. 

The eyes that looked down at me were like a storm, revealing the power that lay beneath.My lightsaber was on the floor nearby, nothing stopping me from pulling it to me, re-engaging in a fight.Except - I didn’t want to.I held his intense gaze, and lifted my hands in front of me slowly.Ben took them in his own, gently massaging my sore wrists with his thumbs.I watched as his eyes changed back, fading into deep amber. 

I pitched my voice to carry.“I’m not leaving.But you should.”

It was an effort not to close my eyes against the onslaught from the direction of the TIE.Relief faded into confusion, then anger, and not a small amount of disappointment.The whisper of disgust underlying it felt like acid on my skin, but I couldn’t disagree with the reaction.This was a sick game that Ben and I were playing with one another, and I couldn’t deny it was detestable. 

“She belongs to me.”Ben drew me in closer, and the words felt like a chain, binding me to him. 

Our gaze didn’t break as Poe piloted the TIE from the hangar, and I felt it the moment the craft jumped away, severing my connection to him.As usual, a part of me despaired at his absence, wished I would have left with him.But that person wouldn’t survive here.I had to be someone else.Kind, compassionate, and passive would get me killed.I tried to find some other emotion, and lust answered my call. 

“You should probably throw me in a detention cell.” I said, teasing. 

Ben pressed me back into the wall.“Do you want me to?” 

My lips twitched into a small smile.“I want you to finish what you started.”Desire was an insistent thrum in my body.I felt his arousal against my belly, and I wanted to satisfy him. 

“Oh, that I could.”His thigh nestled between mine, pressing upward, and I rocked against it.“But, sadly, Armitage is headed this way with an entire contingent of troopers.” 

It was this simple, as if the fight never happened.Poe was gone, and Ben was back in control. 

I groaned, lightly smacking my head back into the wall in frustration as he moved away from me, taking his mask from the floor and slipping it over his head.My eyes fell to the scrap of black lace on the floor.Ben took the torn undergarment in his hand and slipped it into his pocket.

I took my lightsaber from the ground, securing it at my waist.Just as I did, Hux burst into the hangar through the smoldering hole in the door Ben had created earlier. 

“Ren!What is this I hear about the prisoner _escaping_?”His face was red with rage.“And this rebel scum assisted him?Why is she not secured?She’s a clear and present threat.”Hux turned around to examine the damage.“And what is _this_ mess?!”

“Lover’s quarrel.”I replied drily.Ben twitched beside me. 

“Lover’s--?”Hux was vibrating before us, veins popping out in his forehead.

“General, you are going to give yourself a stroke if you don’t calm down.”I said.“Deep breaths.”It remained a puzzle to me how Hux continued to get away with speaking to Ben in such a high-handed fashion.Not to mention, he called him _Ren_.Oddly informal. 

For a moment, I genuinely thought that he was about to explode, his mouth flapping open and closed like a fish out of water, hands in fists at his side. 

“Arrest her!”Hux finally snapped out to the guards that had followed him through the door, others forcing the damaged door open behind them. 

“Belay that order.”Ben countered. 

“Ren, this is – “ Armitage started.

“- an internal issue.The Knights and I will deal with it.With her.”Ben wasn’t asking. 

A thrill ran down my spine.I floated over to Ben, presenting my wrists.“I surrender myself to your judgement, Supreme Leader.”I’d never used his official title.It felt awkward on my tongue. 

Once again, I was bound, but Ben was kinder this time, the restraint loose.I turned, canting my hip upward, indicating the weapon at my belt.Ben took it and secured it next to his own.“As you can see, Armitage, everything is well in hand.All that’s left for you is clean-up duty.”

“Sorry about the mess, General.”My voice dripped with sarcasm. 

We both watched, disaffected, as the General’s face turned a truly concerning shade of violet.“As you command, Ren.”The words were choked out of his throat.His resentment crashed into both of us as we turned to exit. 

I followed Ben out into the hallway, dancing playfully next to him to keep up with his long strides.“So, off to the Knights again?”My tone was casual. 

“No.”We entered the lift.“You will be confined to quarters.A guard will be posted at the door, and you will go nowhere without my express permission.”

I deserved it.The first day of full freedom back on the ship, and I had taunted his Knights, picked a fight with Kuruk, and helped a prisoner escape.Entirely uncharacteristic of me.I felt strangely ebullient. 

“What could you possibly have to feel pleased about?”Ben asked. 

I shrugged. 

_You feel powerful.Untouchable.Unstoppable._

The lift doors opened, but I remained frozen, afraid.Uncertain that I could find a balance between who I needed to be to survive and the battle raging inside me- the darkness and the light. 

“Balance is an illusion.”Ben was holding the door to the lift open, his masked face observing me.“I’ve tried.” 

I shook my head.“I don’t believe that.”Something tugged at my memory.“Master Luke used to tell us ‘balance is not something you find, it is something you create.’” 

“You feel confident taking the teachings of the man who tried to kill his own nephew?”The question was colored with disgust.

“It wasn’t his teaching,” I countered, finally stepping from the lift, “I believe it was Master Yoda’s.”

He didn’t argue with me further, but the brief exchange about balance had me eager to continue my translations of the old texts.“Will I be allowed a protocol droid?I would like to continue with the texts.”

“Sure.”The informal answer, more reminiscent of Ben than Ren, was out of place coming from behind his mask.

“Thank you.”As we approached the door to our new quarters, I spied a familiar trooper.“MB-222!”I ran ahead, a broad smile on my face. 

I felt a spike of surprise and shyness from him.“No one has ever been so happy to see me as you, ma’am.Although, my presence here seems to indicate you’ve gotten into a spot of trouble.” 

It was the most he’d ever spoken to me, and my chest warmed.“I did.”

“I hope everything is all right.”He stiffened as Ben drew closer. 

I patted him on the shoulder reassuringly.“It’s fine now.Even better now that I know you’re the one here.” 

Ben’s voice was sharp as he addressed the trooper.“She’s not to leave the room.At all.Not even with an escort.Only under my direct order should she be anywhere else on the ship but here.” 

MB-222 snapped to attention.“Yes, Supreme Leader.As you command.” 

“There is a protocol droid on the way, under my orders.It is allowed into the suite.No other visitors.Should she have any needs, she will inform you, and you will report the request directly to me.Violation of these protocols will result in- discipline.”The last word was leaden with the promise of violence. 

“Yes, Sir.Understood.” 

Ben practically shoved me into our quarters, bristling with irritation.

“What did I do now?”I asked, exasperated.

He slipped his mask off, his face thunderous, and I realized it was the first time since this morning that we were completely alone.“What haven’t you done?!”His mask sailed across the room, bouncing on the bed. 

I chewed on my lip.On one hand, I felt he had the right to be upset with me, but on the other, I detested being treated like some sort of recalcitrant child.But I paused, noting the shift in him.Face pale, he was running his hands through his hair, and I picked up on no small amount of confusion and anxiety.Immediately, I softened.

“Ben.”I moved toward him.

He sank to the floor, hand clutching at his chest. 


	65. Chapter 65

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

His chest was on fire. 

All the usual anger seemed to leech from him, and Ren couldn’t stop himself from collapsing to the floor.

 ** _Weak._** Something inside him snarled, but he couldn’t find a way out of what was happening.He couldn’t breathe.Logically, he knew he was breathing too quickly, and he felt lightheaded, disjointed.This wasn’t the usual tug of war within him; he was spiraling, in a dive he couldn’t pull up from. 

Small, cool hands brushed the sides of his face, and a pair of kind, worried eyes came into view.She was on the floor with him, her long skirt tangled in his legs as she straddled him, the scent of vanilla and almonds wafting from her hair.She moved his hand from his own chest to rest on hers.

“Breathe with me.”Ren felt her chest rise and fall, slow and deep.Her touch was hypnotic, gently tracing his eyebrows, down the line of his nose, fluttering over his lips.Something uncoiled inside him when she moved to his hair, smoothing and combing through it with long, slow strokes. 

As his breath came back under control, it was as if time displaced, and they were back on Yavin 4.No abandonment, no lies, no Resistance, no First Order.Just them.He wanted to stay like this with her forever.He wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her neck.Something like peace settled over him, or at least as close to it as he would ever get. 

They needed to talk.Maybe now, like this, he could stay calm. 

“What is he to you?”The question shattered the silence. 

Her body stiffened against him, hands spasming in his hair.She didn’t respond, but emotions spun from her.Panic, regret, confusion, sadness, guilt.

“I saw the vid from the lift,” he said.Pain twisted inside him.She hadn’t pushed Dameron away; it was easy to see that wasn’t the first time they’d kissed. 

“Oh.”Ren felt her hard swallow against his face.“I- it’s- this-“ 

He waited, patient for the first time in years. 

“I’m confused.”Her voice quavered. 

Ren pulled back to look at her, finding her eyes full of tears.“About?”

“Everything.”Several drops escaped, running down her cheeks.“You’re different, and so am I.This situation.It’s all impossible.There’s no solution.We’re trapped.I’m trapped.” 

He frowned.“I don’t want you to feel trapped.”

She gave him a tiny smile.“I know.”But the smile faded quickly, and she closed her eyes.“At least, part of you doesn’t want me to.I don’t know what the other part is after.”

At her words, an ember sparked, and he felt the anger catch, blazing back up.He tamped it down.“You.I’m after you.”His grip tightened around her. 

“And you want me to betray my friends.People I care about, who care about me.You’re asking me to betray myself, as well.You can’t expect that not to cause problems, Ben.”She was growing upset as well.

Could they ever have just one conversation that didn’t end in a fight?

“If you’ll recall, we fought a lot before.”Her face was bemused.Ren startled.His thoughts usually weren’t this open.He was the one who read her, not the other way around. 

She spoke again, still hearing him.“An unfair advantage you’ve had for long enough, I think.”Her lips brushed softly on his.“You have no idea how frustrating it is when someone knows your every thought and feeling, but you don’t know theirs.”Nipping at his jaw, she moved to whisper in his ear.“There is something else we could do- rather than fight.”

His body responded immediately, and he groaned.It wouldn’t solve anything. 

“Perhaps not.But it won’t hurt anything, either.”Her tongue darted out, licking the shell of his ear.A shiver went down his spine.She was so close, soft and warm against him. 

Ren found the zipper at the side of her dress and slid it down, untangling the fabric from his legs and pushing her away to pull it over her head.She was naked beneath save for a lace bra, which he quickly unclasped and threw across the room.Ren gathered the weight of her breasts in his hands, flicking her nipples with his thumbs, watching as they hardened into dark pink points. 

She arched back with a moan, presenting them to his mouth.He took each one in turn, sucking and biting until they were red and swollen and her hips were bucking against him, the wet heat of her bleeding through the fabric of his pants.His cock was painfully hard, the hammering of his heartbeat causing it to throb.

He flipped her to the floor on her back, and ripped at his pants, shoving them down just far enough to free himself.The brush of his own hand against his cock had him shuddering. 

“This is going to be quick and hard.”For some reason he warned her, afraid of hurting her.But her eyes were glazed over, and she writhed on the cool floor, hands pulling him to her. 

Ren entered her swollen flesh slowly, the whole of his senses focused on the hot clench of her around him.He loved how tight she was, part of him feeling like an invader as she stretched open for him, her legs parting on a gasp as her body tried to adjust to the fullness. 

He hovered over her, his arms shaking, watching her face twist with pleasure, her lips open, panting and soft.Pumping into her with hard, deep strokes, he bent and took her mouth with his, eating the desperate moans keening from her.Desire gripped him, hot and strong, and her body strained against his.Ren pushed even deeper, grinding himself against that spot within her, and she fractured.He came with her, white-hot pleasure racing through his veins. 

Ren draped himself over her body carefully, not wanting to crush her under his weight.A contented hum vibrated in her chest and into his.Her limbs wrapped around him, and she squeezed, hugging him into her. 

If only he could spend the entire day here with her.But there were things to attend to.He dropped a kiss on her forehead and pulled away, grabbing a new set of clothes from his closet and heading to the fresher. 

When he exited, he found her in his sweater and boxers, hair piled messily on top of her head, hanging the rest of the clothes Marta had bought for her in the closet.Her mood was sunny, and she was singing a song to herself as she worked.A protocol droid was shut off in the corner. 

“I thought I’d get all of this-“ her arm swung out to the trunks yet unpacked, “sorted before I took another try at the texts.” 

Ren nodded, unsure of himself.“I have- responsibilities to attend to.”Straightening, he reached for that part of himself.Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, Master of the Knights of Ren.Jedi Killer.He wasn’t sure who he had been over the last hour, but it wasn’t that.Slowly, his confidence returned, and a heaviness settled in him.“You aren’t to leave these rooms.” 

Her face fell slightly.“I know.I won’t.” 

Ren left without a backward glance. 


	66. Chapter 66

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Multiple POVs

Poe sat in the TIE, his head leaning into his hand, eyes closed.He’d escaped.Again.His mind spun with questions, a riot of feelings stuck in his chest.She was still back there.

He didn’t know what to think.The more he went over it, the more he realized they wouldn’t have made it out together.Yes, she’d done- whatever it is Jedi did, to him; so he’d stay inside the fighter.But he’d forgotten about the wire.Poe laughed, cursing himself.You would think after escaping the Finalizer with Finn he wouldn’t have overlook it. 

Even if the hatch had been open, Ren had been there.Without her, he’d be dead inside a mess of metal.He’d been able to witness the entire exchange.Even the parts he’d prefer to forget now.In Ren’s initial rage, she had held out against him, but they’d slid toward the force field. 

Poe couldn’t put his finger on it, but- she’d shifted.The fight had been vicious.He didn’t know if he’d taken a breath through the entire thing, the sheer size and power of Ren crashing his blade down at her again and again terrifying to behold. 

What had occurred once Ren had the upper hand…something dark burned in Poe’s chest.He had debased her.Taken her in front of him just to prove he could.If any part of Poe had thought Ren was redeemable, it died right there in that hangar. 

She’d saved him again, to her own detriment.He held some of the responsibility for it, and he would spend however long it took making it up to her. 

A loud beep broke his reverie.Once he’d been sure there were no tracking devices on the fighter, he’d set down on an abandoned moon and sent a transmission.He decoded the short missive.Connix wanted him back on Pasaana, to pick up the Falcon and examine the TIE further.It was a wise idea.The cell there was small, and if the mole had lied, Pasaana was not of much strategic importance.They could abandon that base along with the craft if needed. 

He sent his acknowledgement back and fired up the fighter. 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Leia sagged with relief at the news.Poe had escaped.It appeared, somehow, that their girl had come through with the help of the mole, and Ben had not been able to stop them.At least, he’d been unable to stop Poe.There was no indication that anyone else had escaped with him, but they would know for sure once he reached Pasaana. 

Despite her joy at hearing of his safety, Leia was filled with another worry.If it was only Poe, that meant she had stayed behind with Ben.Whether it was out of necessity or choice, that remained unclear.From what Maz had shared, Ben would make her pay dearly for assisting with Poe’s escape. 

Her mind drifted to another, who had been so young.Rey had darkness inside her, just like Ben.Arguably, Rey had more than the woman who was with him now.But Ben had been unable to turn Rey.Leia worried that wasn’t the case now.The darkness was rising, and the connection the two of them had, their shared past, was a thick web, holding her to Ben. 

Leia questioned the decision to leave her on Ajan Kloss all those weeks ago.Every person that had chosen to leave had met their end. 

Luke had disappeared, and returned only to buy them time, fading once his task was complete.Han tried to reach their son, and died for it.Rey, convinced there was Light left within Ben, paid the same price.Was she blinded by a mother’s love?How many people would she allow to die in pursuit of saving him?

Her body was failing.Finn needed training.Poe wasn’t ready to take over, especially not when he was so distracted.She wasn’t a Jedi Master.Leia had heard the voices of Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi over the years, but it had been rare.If Obi-Wan had failed her father, and Luke failed Ben, who did she think she was to train anyone? 

Leia took a steadying breath.She couldn’t allow herself to fall into despair.Sinking deeper into her consciousness, she focused on her breath, the rise and fall of her chest, how the air was cooler as she inhaled, warmer as she exhaled.In the space she created, the sounds of the camp filtered through the old corridors of the _Tantive IV_.Those, too, she focused on, letting the thrum of engines, the friendly yells flow past her like leaves on a stream.All of these were completely untethered to any worry, and the calm stole over her, bringing her back to center. 

The Rebellion had lasted decades.Leia knew there was no way to predict how long they would have to resist.And, most likely sooner than she’d like, Leia knew she would become luminous.But the fight would continue, with or without her. 

All she could do was impart the lessons she had learned along the way. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

BB-8 whirred around the sands of Pasaana anxiously.Poe was in danger.He hadn’t liked the sound of the plan for Kijimi when it was discussed, and he hated even more being left alone on this planet.Finn had returned, and since then BB-8 had glued himself to his side.Finn wouldn’t let anything happen to Poe; he would fix it. 

Impatient for news, he beeped loudly, growing irritated.The sand was _everywhere_.It would take weeks to clean out his mechanisms.He needed to see his friend, to know that he was okay.Poe was always taking un-necessary risks.BB-8 hated it. 

“I know, little guy.”Finn patted his dome gently.“We’re waiting to hear.The Lieutenant will update us as soon as she knows.”

BB-8 wanted to know _now._ He rocked back and forth, electrical circuits buzzing with worry.He’d met the human woman Poe liked several times, and she had been nice.Finn explained that she was on board the _Steadfast_ , and was going to try and help with the escape.Maybe she could come back, too.Then Poe would be happier. 

Finn yelled with excitement.“He’s on his way, BB-8!It worked!”Finn gathered him in for a one-handed hug. 

He felt his processer cool with relief. 

Everything was always better when Poe was around. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Poe piloted the TIE through the thin upper atmosphere of Pasaana, the horizon appearing almost endless, shades of tan blending together.He took a wide approach, enjoying the maneuverability of the fighter.He’d managed to patch the controls for the top hatch that he’d destroyed in the hangar.Otherwise, the small craft was brand new.Once they were certain there were no trackers, it would be a valuable asset. 

Touching down just outside the makeshift base, Poe popped his head out into the blazing hot sun, coughing slightly as the arid heat hit his dry throat.He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had any food or water.Two days?He blinked against the brightness. 

Excited whoops and beeps sounded from the ground.Poe smiled.Finn and BB-8, both looking relieved and happy to see him.The little droid was circling Finn, chattering away.Poe didn’t wait for a ladder, dropping down onto the sand beneath the ship.Finn crushed him in a hug and BB-8 bumped against his leg insistently. 

“I’m happy to see you, too.”He kept one arm around Finn as he twanged BB-8’s antenna affectionately. 

“Are you okay?”Finn asked. 

“Yeah.I just really need some water.And food.”Now that he was back, he was beginning to feel dizzy. 

“You got it.”Finn glanced behind at the craft.“So, you came alone?”

Poe nodded.“Yeah.She stayed behind.”He sighed.“The more I went over it, I wouldn’t have made it out if she hadn’t, and there was no way he was letting her escape.Ren could’ve stopped me, but he had what he wanted.”He felt his mood plummet. 

Finn frowned.“You did the best you could.”

“You can’t know that.”Poe hated platitudes.

“I do.Because you always do the best you can.It’s who you are.”Finn’s hand squeezed his shoulder.“We’ll get her back.” 

He didn’t want to argue with Finn.“Yeah.” 

“Connix wants the fighter left here.Let’s get you some food and then we can get the hell off this planet.”Finn said. 

“Sounds like a plan to me.”BB-8 chirped in agreement. 

The Falcon came into view as they trudged up a dune.Some of the tension in him eased at the sight of that ship.Soon they’d be back at the main base. 

The General would know what to do next. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I wrote a tiny POV for BB-8. Because I just love that droid so much.


	67. Chapter 67

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

The words of the text in front of me blurred, my eyes burning.It had been a week of being confined to quarters, and I was going mad.I’d made progress on some translations, and Ben had continued to train me, but other than the protocol droid and MB-222, that was the only contact I was allowed. 

I had even been desperate enough to suggest training with the Knights again, but Ben didn’t relent.He pointed out that I had refused to reach for the Dark in any of our training sessions, and my lack of willingness to do so indicated I wasn’t prepared to face any of them.Ben continued to remind me that the only reason I had beaten Kuruk, and held against him in the hangar bay, was the use of my anger.I had rolled my eyes at him. 

Pinching at the bridge of my nose, I kept reading.I had chosen a section of the _Rammahgon_ , my attention pulled to it by the multiple notes in the margins, all in different script.How many people had tried to decipher this before me?The section continually referenced a place called Ixigul.It had once been a fertile land, laid to waste by the Sith over a thousand years ago.The writer had notes indicating that the lands of Korriban, Ziost, and Asog had met similar fates. 

I shivered.What could they have been doing, to lay waste to previously fertile lands?Apparently, the other planets could be found on a star chart, but Ixigul remained hidden, only known to those who were loyal to the Sith.Whoever had written this, they were obsessed with finding it.I thought of Mustafar.Something pricked at the back of my consciousness, but I shook it away.

Restless, I got up and paced through the rooms of the suite.Embarrassment had kept me from checking on Poe.Shame bloomed in my gut.He was probably worried, along with the rest of them, and I was avoiding them because of my stupid pride.I glanced at the clock.Ben wouldn’t be back anytime soon. 

Looking down at my attire, I considered changing.I was in simple black pants, a tank, and Ben’s sweater.My feet were bare, and my hair was in a riot around my face.Too tired to care, I climbed onto the bed.I wasn’t winning any beauty contests on my best day.My embarrassment had already delayed my visit to them, I wasn’t about to give into vanity and delay it even further. 

The planet was hushed, a thick fog muting the night sounds.I had no idea what time it was here.The soil squished under my feet, and I paused, enjoying the feel of it.Between the _Steadfast_ and Mustafar, it was easy to forget nature even existed.All I’d been surrounded with was the freezing, dry air of the ship or the acrid sting of the heat blazing off of volcanic eruptions.Steel and rock.The damp air and soft earth soothed me. 

I walked forward, unsure of where I was headed in the dark and the fog.Slowly, lights came into view, fuzzy.I was near the main camp. 

“I was worried when we didn’t see you again.”The General’s voice was quiet.I turned, making out her shape perched on the edge of a crate near the cave. 

Heat filled my cheeks.“I’m sorry.I - I wasn’t sure what to say.”

“To Commander Dameron.”

“Yes.”I wondered how much he’d told her, mortified for her to know what had transpired; but I walked over to her anyway, sitting next to her. 

“Thank you.”Her hand rested on my knee.“For what you did.” 

I covered it with my own, meeting her gaze.“You’re welcome.”I sighed.“I don’t have much of note to report, I’m afraid.I’ve been confined to quarters for the last week, except for training.”

“How is Ben?”She asked.It was so odd to have someone else call him that.Uncomfortable, I pulled my hand away, tucking it beneath my leg and staring at the ground. 

“He won’t talk to me.He leaves before I wake up and comes back after I’ve gone to bed.When I try to talk to him, he just snaps at me.We had a moment, just after Poe escaped, when I thought-“I paused.“I thought maybe he was coming back to me, just a little.But there isn’t any trace of that now.”

“And training?”Leia didn’t seem upset at all by the information. 

“He’s angry there, too.I keep refusing to do it his way.”I smiled.“I’m improving anyway, and that just pisses him off even more.But he hasn’t stopped training me yet, so…”I trailed off, unsure what else to say.

“The way Commander Dameron described what happened in the hangar bay, it appears you’ve picked up a fair amount of skill to hold him off in combat.”It was a casual statement, but even if Poe hadn’t understood how I had done it, she did.

I winced.“I did it his way that time.I can’t hold out against him when I don’t - when I don’t use the anger.”

“A dangerous shortcut.”Leia sighed.“‘Anger, fear, aggression, the Dark side of the Force, are they.Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight.’” 

“Master Yoda.”Of all the Masters that Luke had referenced, he had most often spoke of Yoda.Not to mention his wisdoms were the easiest to identify due to his unique pattern of speech. 

“Yes.‘To answer power with power, the Jedi way this is not.’”She shifted carefully beside me.

“I know.”I was frustrated with myself.“But that was the only way I could guarantee that Poe would make it out.” 

“Somewhere in your mind you have convinced yourself that Ben is unbeatable.Or, that in order to beat him, his opponent has to match him in power.”

I balked.“That _is_ true.”

“Many of the truths we cling to depend on our point of view.”Leia stabbed her cane into the soil, her tone sharper.“You need to change your point of view.” 

“He’s been my teacher for as long as I’ve known him!”I snapped out, the words surprising even myself.

“There it is.”Her voice was soft once more.“You have him on a pedestal, you assume he knows more than you.Ben may know the Dark, but you know the Light.Don’t let him twist you into thinking his way is the only way.You don’t have to follow the path of your teacher.”

“I failed both of you.”Alarm shot through me at the voice.Luke shimmered into view before us, and I scrambled backwards off of the crate, shocked.Leia remained sitting, completely calm, as if dead people appeared to her everyday. 

He laughed.“You can transport yourself across the galaxy, interact with a possible future, and view the shadows of events long past, but I’m the limit of your tolerance?”

My mouth hung open.

Luke’s voice became stern.“Close your mouth.You’re going to catch flies.And listen.You’re going to burn yourself out with these extended visits.” 

I nodded and took a seat once more.I had always been a little terrified of Master Luke.Now I felt my hackles rise.What he’d done to Ben, to me, leaving me there to fend for myself…

“Ben’s hypothesis was correct.You have different natural gifts.I was just too arrogant and myopic to see it at the time.It was my fault, my short-sightedness, and my fear that Ben was sinking.I saw that you centered him, and I allowed what I never should have.I let him train you.”Luke paced in front of us, his brown robes swinging.“Ben was already lost in the darkness, and I handed him a student.” 

“You know they were in his head.”I said quietly, wanting to defend Ben.“He withstood it for as long as he could.”I remembered him telling me about the voices, always whispering to him, as far back as he could remember. 

“I know that now.”Luke’s concerned eyes fell on Leia.

“Voices?”She turned to me.“What are you talking about?”

I swallowed.“It’s really not my place to say.”

“Luke?”She asked pointedly, waiting. 

“Snoke.”He spit the word out bitterly. 

“For how long?”Leia’s voice was distraught.

Seeing her pain, I caved.“For as long as he could remember.”The ground seemed to drop out from under me, and I was somewhere else.

_Ben’s head rests on my chest, both of us squished onto his small bed.He’s been even more withdrawn the past few months, and I’m worried.Worried it’s me.That he’s finally done with me, but doesn’t want to hurt my feelings._

_He shifts, the bed creaking ominously beneath us.I’m sure one of these evenings it’s going to break.“You’re upset.”_

_I hesitate.“If you’re- if you don’t feel the same anymore, about me, you can say.”_

_Ben immediately props himself up, meeting my eyes.“What?Why would you think that?”_

_“Well, you’ve been so - I don’t know, absent?Something is off.”I’m having trouble explaining what it is I feel from him._

_His face darkens with a frown.“It’s not you.”_

_“Then what is it?”I don’t believe him.I think he senses this._

_It’s his turn to hesitate.“I hear- things.Voices.”His gaze falls to the bed, and he’s picking at the threadbare blanket.“For as long as I can remember.But, it’s worse- now.”He shoots off of the bed, holding the side of his head, as if the act of talking about it makes it more painful._

_“Ben-“_

_“- I don’t want your pity.”His anger feels like a dagger in my chest, but I move toward him, wrapping my arms around him from behind, my face buried in his broad back._

_“It’s not pity.I wish I could fix it for you.”I move back, my hands creeping up toward his head.“Maybe I can.”_

_He whirls, grabbing my wrists before I can touch him, his face a mask of horror.“NO!”_

_Tears fill my eyes.Why is he yelling at me?Why won’t he let me help him?_

_“I don’t want them to touch you.”He drops my wrists and cups my face in his hands.“You’re so sweet, so caring.Good.”He’s peppering my face with light kisses.“They would hurt you.”He rests his forehead against mine.“And it’s better, when you’re around.”_

_Something inside me blossoms at his words.He wants to protect me.And I’m helpful, useful.I kiss his mouth softly.“Just promise to tell me if it gets too bad?”_

_He takes my mouth again, and I’m swept away with the intensity of his need._

“Why didn’t he tell me?”Leia’s question broke through the memory, and I blinked, disoriented.My temples were throbbing.I saw Luke give me a curious, concerned glance. 

I licked my lips nervously, gathering my thoughts.Ideally, Ben would tell her this himself, but there was a distinct possibility they might never speak again.Her health was failing.“You were already afraid of him.You, and Han.The arguing, and then- you sent him away.”I said it all as gently as I could.I wasn’t a parent.I had no right to judge her.Or Han.

“I wasn’t afraid of him!”Leia exclaimed.“I was afraid _for_ him.” 

“He couldn’t tell the difference.”Luke replied. 

“He’s sensitive.”I said.“He tried to hide it, still tries.I think he must have taken responsibility for how your marriage broke.” 

Leia leaned her cane against the crate, and her head fell into her hands.“Then this is my fault, as well.”

“No.”My voice was clear, insistent.“Ben made his own choices.No one should take responsibility for them except for him.”Hearing my own words out loud, I realized what I’d been doing.“Oh.”

Luke nodded, a half smile on his face.“Yes.Oh.” 

I was growing fatigued.“I’m not leaving him until I get him back.” 

A bark of a laugh came from Luke.“What did you just say?Ben has to _choose_.You can’t do it for him.”He threw his hands up.“Stubborn!”His clear gaze pinned me to my seat.“This is not going to go the way you think.Leia is right- you see him as a teacher, and that’s a problem.You need more training- from someone _other_ than Ben.”

I shook my head.“I have to get back.”Leia grabbed for me, but I was too quick.“Tell Poe I was here, and I’m okay.I’ll come back as soon as I can.” 

In the space of a blink, the dark rooms of the _Steadfast_ surrounded me once more.I felt slightly nauseous.Seeing Master Luke, after all this time, my feelings were jumbled.The memory of Ben, his head on my chest, his kind words… I missed him. 

I sunk into the bed, burying my face in the pillows and cried. 


	68. Chapter 68

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia POV

She was gone.Leia looked helplessly at Luke.“Can you go after her?”

“No.”His reply was filled with sadness.“She’s too close to Ben.I’ve tried.For some reason, the Force itself doesn’t want me there.”He tucked his hands into his robes.“And she has mixed feelings about me.I’m not sure I’m the one to help in this situation.” 

“Did we truly do that badly?”Leia felt the despair, heavy in her bones. 

“We did the best we could.” 

Leia laughed a little at that.Luke had never been much for reassurances.She had missed that- she’d missed everything about her twin.She grinned at him.“So, are you here to offer sage advice?”

“I’m here because you have need of it.You tell me.”A typical, cryptic Jedi Master response. 

She considered.Luke had appeared while Leia was doing her best to advise and support.She had many doubts about her ability to train another Jedi.She had walked away from her training, called to a different kind of service. 

“You said Ben’s hypothesis about her was correct, that she has different natural gifts.What you said - interacting with the future?Viewing events long past?”

“She’s like a water in a stream.”Luke said.“Her nature is gentle, and the Force is the current- she flows with it.The gifts she has come from that, but it’s an unconscious talent.She overthinks the things she struggles with.” 

“Lightsaber combat.”Leia thought back to her own training, the careful attention she’d put on learning her forms. 

“If she let it flow, got out of her own way, it would come easier to her.” 

Leia frowned.“That doesn’t explain why she appears to excel in combat when she reaches for the Dark.”

“Doesn’t it?”Luke smiled.“Think about how that changes the experience.” 

She shook her head.“I don’t understand.”

Luke sighed.“She flows with the emotions instead.What you said to her earlier- ‘easily they flow, quick they join you in a fight.’”

“She seems susceptible to other’s emotions.”Leia commented.“Especially Ben’s.”

“It’s the same concept.She gets carried away with them.I was short with her when she tried to practice her healing skills- she would faint.I was so blind; it was right in front of me.Ben was the one who helped her figure it out, that she lost herself in the other person.”His eyes were wistful.“He may not have been ready for an apprentice, but with her, I saw glimpses.Ben would have been an amazing Jedi Master.If not for my hubris.” 

“I never blamed you.”She’d been angry, despondent, in denial, but never had she truly blamed her brother. 

Tears shone in his eyes.“You gave me your heart, your child, the most precious person to you, and I lost him.I couldn’t face you.” 

“We all lost him.”Leia said to her brother.“Ben lost himself.”She wanted to take this burden from Luke.It wasn’t his fault.

“No one’s ever really gone.”Luke said.His last words to her before he’d gone to face Ben on Crait, a choice which had saved what little of the Resistance was left. 

A choice that had also saved the quiet medic who had cut herself off from the Force, hidden from Ben for so many years.If Luke hadn’t intervened then - Ben would have killed her.Most likely by accident.The last ties he had to his former life would have been gone, along with any hope of stopping the First Order. 

“Did you know?”Leia asked.“That she was with us?With the Resistance?”

Luke laughed.“I wish I could say I did.Master Yoda came to me, told me we couldn’t lose Rey.He never mentioned another.”He hung his head.“I thought I had really failed, lost Rey.But Yoda said something else to me, that rings ever truer now.‘We are what they grow beyond.That is the true burden of all Masters.’” 

“She was well beyond you from the beginning.” 

“Yes.”He paced in front of her.“I do still feel she needs training from someone else.But, thinking back on those words…”Luke tugged on his beard thoughtfully.“Perhaps that’s Ben’s burden to bear.That she grows beyond him.”He shook his head. 

Leia felt a stab of fear.“Grows beyond him in darkness?” 

“Perhaps.Or perhaps not.” 

Another cryptic response.Leia knew he couldn’t stay with her, but she longed for it anyway.To have her twin beside her, now, at the end of her life.“I don’t believe I have much time to impart whatever wisdoms I hold.”

“It’s not yet your time.” 

“But it grows closer.”She sagged, tired deep in her bones.

“Every day of our life, from the moment we are born, we edge closer.”Luke argued philosophically. 

“It seems there’s more behind me than in front.”So many people lost to her.

Luke narrowed his eyes.“Is that so?And how do you know that?” 

True.She didn’t know.And she had allowed herself to fall into an ennui, more despondent with each passing day that she would never again see her son, touch his face, hear his voice.Leia herself had lost hope.It was high time she pulled herself together. 

“I don’t know.”A sense of buoyancy filled her at that, just the admission that she didn’t know.She, who had more proof than most that there was something after the physical body broke down, had allowed complacency.Hardly an Organa characteristic.The Skywalkers were prone to that sort of thing; the men at least.She was different. 

Leia stomped her cane into the dirt, about to say something sassy, when she realized Luke had gone.An arrow of sadness pierced her breast, but he had indeed provided what she’d needed.

A swift kick in the ass. 


	69. Chapter 69

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Ren entered their quarters quietly.Instead of the dim light he was accustomed to walking into at this late hour, the rooms were still fairly bright.He glanced at the bed.She was there, curled on top of the covers, fully dressed.He moved closer.Even with her eyes closed, he could see the puffiness around them. 

He swallowed nervously.From the look of it, she had cried herself to sleep.Alone.He rubbed at his own eyes.Ren knew he probably didn’t look much better.Ever since the almost normal exchange they had after Dameron’s escape, he’d avoided her.It had been far too vulnerable, the things they’d said.It had been easier to snap and snarl at her, keep her at arms length.Avoid her lovely, kind eyes that seemed to stare into the very heart of him. 

The Council had been persistent in their recommendation that he allow a coronation ceremony on Coruscant as soon as possible, to solidify the First Orders dominion over the galaxy and secure his position in the eyes of the Core worlds.They responded to titles, politics, pageantry.Everything he detested. 

Ren needed her at his side, in whatever capacity she’d allow at this point.Apprentice.Consort.Empress.Just as long as she stayed.But while her loyalties were split, that was impossible.He needed his Knights to accept her.They all had doubts, save for Cardo, who seemed to genuinely want him to be- happy?That wasn’t their way, but Cardo had always been different from the rest.He was the oldest of the Knights, probably in his late forties.He acted more like a big brother than a Knight, and Ren suspected Cardo’s loyalties to him were stronger than the others.Right now, when things seemed so tenuous, that was more valuable than ever.

His thoughts shifted back to the issue at hand.Would talking to her help change her mind?What if he asked her, and she said no?Where would that leave them?Tiredly, he shrugged his clothes off, pulling on a pair of soft lounge pants.Climbing into the bed, he pulled her to him, resting her head on his chest.She stirred, nuzzling into his bare skin, taking a deep breath of his scent. 

Her eyes fluttered open on a sigh.“Ben?”Her eyes were red.

Gods, he was tired, all the fight sapping from his body when he allowed himself to acknowledge how truly fatigued he was.“I just wanted to hold you.”He squeezed her closer.“I’ve made you upset.”

Ren felt her wariness.“Is this one of those ‘my Ben’ times, or…?”There was tension in the lines of her body while she waited for his response.

His head thunked against the wall.“I want it to be.”Ren ached to be what she needed.“So you can be honest with me.”The heavy shield that had slammed down in her mind that night in the interrogation room so many weeks ago was still there, and something was lurking behind it.It was a mystery as to what she was keeping from him, but he always knew _when_ she was doing it.The rest of her thoughts and emotions remained mostly available to him.“I’ll start,” he said, stroking her hair.

Everything tumbled out of him.The Council meetings, the Knights, why he’d pushed her away for the past week, what he needed from her but was afraid to ask for.Why he needed it.The reason he needed her to turn, to be loyal only to him, that there would be no question of her allegiance that way. 

She listened patiently, curled into his side, waiting for him to finish.When he finally did, she nodded against him.“I understand.”A hand rubbed soothing circles on his stomach.“I just don’t know if I can do that.”

Right as he began to feel the sting of rejection, she straddled him, her hands on his face.“I can compromise.”

Ren frowned.“Compromise?”

“In the texts- they often speak of Grey Jedi, or Dark Jedi.They called upon the Dark Side, but they didn’t embrace it.There was an entire order during the Clone Wars.The Jensaarai.”

Hadn’t they had this conversation before?“Balance is an illusion.If you read further, you would know that ultimately the Jensaari were led back toward the Light.One side always dominates.”Why she persisted with this idea eluded him. 

“Is that what you really think, or is it because you can’t do it?”One eyebrow arched at him accusingly. 

“That’s beside the point.It won’t be enough.The Knights won’t accept -“The fact was, he’d tried.It was impossible. 

She interrupted, insistent.“You are their Master, are you not?” 

“It’s more complicated than that,” he grumbled.She was so frustratingly _optimistic_.What made her think she could find balance, when he could not?That the Knights would blindly follow his every command?Respect was earned.

She slipped her fingers into his hair, massaging the tension out of his skull.He groaned. She was trying to distract him.Soften him. 

It was working. 

“Just let me _try_.”She’d leaned into him, her mouth at his ear, breath teasing his neck.“There’s no harm in it.” 

“A week.”

She laughed, and the vibration tickled.“A week?To figure out something you’ve been attempting for years?”Sitting back, she looked at him incredulously. 

“We’re on a timeline.”He couldn’t delay the Council much longer.The excuses were running thin. 

“What did you want to be?”She asked, clarifying when he gave her a confused look.“When you were little?”Her hands wandered to his ears, rubbing lines down the bony ridge just behind them.Ren almost stopped her, self-conscious despite the contentment settling in his chest.He hated his ears. 

The swift shift in conversation caught him off-guard, and he deflected.“What does that matter?”

A mischievous smile crossed her lips.“Did you always have dreams of galactic domination?” 

“Of course not.”In truth, the more the Council pressed for him to crown himself Emperor Ren, the more he wanted to flee.But the time for that had long passed.This was his destiny, whether he wanted it or not.“You continue to ask questions you know the answers to.”

“You never talked much about your life before you came to Yavin 4.”

“Neither did you.”Ren knew very little about her past.Perhaps less than she knew about his.

She shrugged.“Fair.I still want you to answer the question.”

A headache was starting to settle over his left eye.It was what always happened when he tried to think about his family, or any of his time as a young boy.It hurt- in more ways than one.But her eyes were still red-rimmed, face puffy from earlier tears, and he found he couldn’t deny her.“A pilot, I guess.Or a Jedi.”

“Those are what the other men in your family did.What did _you_ want?”She pressed. 

No one had ever really bothered asking him.He had been the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo, nephew of Luke Skywalker, heroes of the Rebellion.The pressure had been astronomical.Then he’d been sent away, the decision made for him.“I did want to be a pilot.Then-“Ren paused, anger rising at the very thought of his uncle, “a teacher.” 

She smiled.“A teacher.Like a flight instructor?”

“Maybe.”He swallowed.“Or-“The words wouldn’t come out.The possibility had died long ago. 

“A Jedi Master.”A soft touch glided over his left eyebrow, and warmth spread over his forehead and eye, soothing. 

Ren jolted, seizing her hand.“STOP.”So, this had been what she’d been after.“I don’t need to be _fixed_.” 

Genuine confusion radiated from her, and struggled in his grip.“Stop what?”

“You were trying to heal me.”He snapped out.“Don’t play dumb.”

“I did?”She puzzled at her hand, as if it weren’t attached to her.“I’m not.”

He arrowed into her mind.She let him.There was no deception; she really had no idea what she’d been doing.Ren loosened his grip on her arm and studied her. 

“Did you find what you were looking for?”She asked, rubbing the redness his grasp had left on her skin, lips pursed in disapproval. 

“Yes.”An apology was on the tip of his tongue, but he held back.“Don’t do that again.Ever.” 

Her eyes rolled.“So, if you’re laying half-dead on the floor at some point you just want me to leave you there?Honestly, Ben.”

He remained silent, staring at her. 

Spreading her hands in exasperation, she shook her head.“I didn’t realize what I was doing.It’s never happened like that before.At least - not since I was young.”Setting her hands on his shoulders, she took a deep breath.“I’ll be more careful from now on.I’m sorry.”

Ren was discomfited by her apology.She hadn’t meant any harm, and his headache was gone.His reaction had been out of proportion.“No, it’s- fine.You don’t need to apologize.”

“Why don’t you ever want me to help you?”She asked.Ren thought back at how he’d raged at her when he’d had a migraine.Wasn’t that why he’d wanted her here?Nothing was making sense anymore.Everything was out of control.He pinched at the bridge of his nose.

“You’re tired,” she soothed, moving off of him.“We should both get some sleep.” 

Seeing her head toward the closet, he remembered something else that had been bothering him over the past few nights.“You’ve been wearing an abundance of clothing in bed, little one.I thought we had an agreement.”

“Oh?”She turned.“And what agreement was that?”

“You come to this bed naked.”He said it even as she’d started stripping her clothes off, revealing her softness.Wiggling out of her pants, she wandered over and slipped under the covers. 

“We didn’t agree,” she said, fluffing her pillow, “you ordered.” 

Dimming the lights from the bedside controls, he gathered her into his arms, dropping a kiss on her head.“Right.We agreed.”

He felt her answering smile against his chest, and found his own mouth slip into one as well, the action strange and unfamiliar. 

“Sweet dreams,” he whispered to her, and fell into a deep sleep. 


	70. Chapter 70

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV

“We wait?”Poe paced across the main hold of the Falcon, the General observing him with amusement.How was she so calm all the time?“We’ve been doing a lot of that lately.”He hated waiting.

“So we have.The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”She was always dispensing little wisdoms like that.He often wondered how she remembered all of them. 

Poe groaned. _Patience._ It always came back to patience. 

“You will find life easier once you find restraint.Not every problem- “Leia was about to launch into a familiar lesson. 

“- can be solved by jumping into an X-wing.I know.You keep reminding me.”Although, just because he knew she was right, it didn’t mean it wasn’t still his first move. 

“And I will continue to until you listen.She was fine when she came to see me.Part of her delay was not being sure what to say to _you_.”Leia adjusted herself on the old cushions near the holochess table.“I think you left some things out.”

He winced.There was honesty, but then there was this.Poe would have to dance carefully around the truth.“Ren made his- ah - ownership,” he cleared his throat, “of her…incredibly clear.”He risked a glance at her.The General’s face remained restful.“It was awkward.” 

“Did her actions, or reaction, help you in leaving?”Leia removed an invisible speck of lint from her dress. 

It had.He smacked his forehead.“Yeah.Yeah it did.I was pissed off, confused, irritated.At her, at him, at all of it.”The entire situation was exasperating. 

“Would you had left otherwise?”She asked. 

“No.” 

She snapped her cane down at the floor for emphasis.“There you have it.Sometimes the strongest response is to yield instead of fight.”

“But-“How much did he really want to say?

“I think, Commander, you hate it when someone else has to save your ass.”Leia chuckled.“And she’s done it - what, twice now?”

“Three times, actually,” he said begrudgingly.He did dislike it; he was the one who was supposed to be saving everyone else.

“You’ll need to get over that before this fight is through.”Changing the subject, she continued.“And we are not doing nothing.We are collecting intelligence, keeping our connections to allies open but covert.Our cells are well hidden, and Connix has done an admirable job of keeping them moving.You know the First Order adopted a zero-tolerance policy after Crait.Fondor was placed under martial law simply because we passed through their system.” 

“I can’t believe I’ve started to think of Snoke as being _lenient_.”He plopped onto the floor, crossing his legs.“Comparatively, though, it seems that way.”

“This is an old song.”Leia said.“The Empire did the same thing.There is always increased force after a defeat.”

“What was the defeat?”Poe asked.They had barely been holding on. 

“We got away.The story of the “great Jedi” that beat Kylo Ren.Those stories are hard to combat, and the spread is invisible.It’s why opposition increased, but it’s only embers.We have to continue to stoke the flame.” 

“You’re the expert.”Poe considered her.“You probably wish that you weren’t.”

Her eyes took on an unfocused quality.“There’s no use wishing.But, yes.Sometimes I let myself think of what could have been.If I had made different choices.”Leia smiled at him.“We all have those moments, in hindsight, when we think about the paths not walked.”Her hand traced a fluid line in the air.“Those paths are forever a mystery to us.” 

He pondered her words.She always said things that made him think.Sometimes he didn’t want to, preferring to operate on instinct, stay busy.He would turn thirty-five soon.Older than his mother had been when she’d died.His parents had a home, a marriage, a child.Those things had been on his mind more often now.Would that ever be something he could have?Poe had wanted adventure, but until recently he hadn’t considered what he may have given up to have it.

A soft breeze blew into the room, dry and cold, tinged with disinfectant.The smell of a First Order ship.Poe’s head snapped up. 

She stood at the entrance to the main hold, leaning against the wall of the ship.Her hand came up shyly, fingers folding in a tiny wave.“Hi.” 

Poe’s eyes ran the entire length of her.No injuries.Her braided hair was mussed from sleep, simple black tunic and pants rumpled but clean.Bare toes curled into the cool metal of the floor, fidgeting nervously. 

He heard Leia moving, watched as she approached the hesitant figure in the doorway, taking a hand gently in her own.“Remember what Luke said.Don’t stay too long.”With a smile, the General made her way out of the Falcon, leaving them alone.

“I’m sorry I didn’t -“She started.

“I’m sorry I left-“Their words collided, both stopping to allow the other to speak.Silence hung heavy in the stillness.Poe watched as her hands twisted together in front of her, the gaze on him uncertain.

Then the General’s words caught up with him.“What Luke said?”

“Oh.Yes.”She laughed.“When a Jedi becomes one with the Force, they can appear to others, like ghosts.Master Luke told us about how Master Yoda would appear to him, although I don’t know if I ever really believed it.”Her hands spread apart, shoulders shrugging.“It’s strange.” 

Poe tried to absorb the information.“He- spoke to you?”

She nodded.“Like he was really there, not dead at all.” 

He stood, slowly approaching her.She was skittish.Poe took her hands in his, entwining their fingers, fusing their palms together.Her nervousness seemed to fade, and she smiled up at him.Poe found he didn’t want to talk about any of what had transpired.He just wanted some time with her.“I don’t know very much about you.”Walking backwards, he guided her toward his room. 

A small blush colored her cheeks.“I’m not a big sharer,” she teased.

“An understatement.”Poe squeezed one of her hands gently and let go, opening the door to his quarters, pulling her inside.Her eyes flicked around the room, wary.“Tell me how you ended up with Master Luke.” 

“He found me on Chandrilla.”She allowed him to pull her down on the bed, and she curled onto her side, facing him.“I was working at a medical facility as a tech.I had no formal training, but the patients around me kept mysteriously healing.”A mischievous look crossed her face.“One of them happened to be a relative of Mon Mothma.She knew Master Luke was creating a new Jedi Temple.”Her face sank into sadness.“He wasn’t overly interested in me, really.I was way too old to be trained, but he found the healing ability curious enough, so I went with him.” 

“How old were you?”Poe pulled her closer to him, their faces only inches apart.

“Seventeen.I was at the Temple for three years.” 

“After that?”

“So many questions.”But she continued, explaining how she’d made it to Nar Shaada, how she’d used her medical skills, why she’d left with the Resistance member when she did. 

He frowned.“Why that damn moon in the first place?”

“It’s incredibly hard to find a single person in all that noise.Ben hated that place.He hates most places that are crowded.”She paused, hesitating, but pushed forward anyway.“Ben has a powerful connection to the Force, and he is particularly skilled at reading minds, manipulating thought.But it comes with a price.” 

Poe nodded.“All those people. Too many.” 

She stroked his temple.“I know he interrogated you.”Her hand rested on his forehead, cool and soothing.“I could help.”

Bright, hopeful eyes rested on his.Poe found himself nodding.“Okay.”

Warmth pooled in his skull, seeping down through the rest of his body.He closed his eyes, a deep sense of safety enveloping him, mind feeling fuzzy, as if wrapped in cotton.Instinctively, he pulled her even closer to him, lining up their bodies, her nose brushing the tip of his own.She was pliant, allowing him to guide her into the embrace. 

An unknown amount of time later, he opened his eyes to find a frown marring her face.“You’re too good at hiding things,” she said.Poe didn’t deny it.For the first time in awhile, he felt a sense of lightness.“Physical wounds aren’t the only kind of injuries,” she continued, scolding. 

“They’re the only kind people can see.”He countered.“And they’re fixable.I don’t think anyone knows what to do with the rest of it.”Poe brushed his lips on hers.“Except you.”

She drew away from him.“I have to go.”Sliding off the bed, she stood.Poe sat up, disappointment a sharp ache inside him. 

He felt guilty, too.Wasn’t he supposed to be helping her?How was it always the other way around?“What can I do for you?”He blurted out, unwilling to let her leave without, something. 

“You already did it.You talked to me, you let me help you.It might not seem like much, but it’s more than you know.I don’t have to be on guard when I’m here.I can just - exist.”Her image began to fade out, slowly this time.“I’ll come back soon,” she whispered, just before snapping out of sight. 

Poe took in a cleansing breath, hand moving to touch the place hers had rested by his temple.His fingertips tingled, but when he went to look at them, nothing was there. 

He shook his head in wonder.He really didn’t understand any of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, dear readers, that is all for this update. Hopefully it was entertaining and satisfying. :)
> 
> I hope you all are staying safe and taking care of yourselves.


	71. Chapter 71

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!! I hope that your September has been going well, I am back with another update.
> 
> As always, comments/kudos are appreciated. :)

Ren watched her furiously typing notes into her data pad.She’d been like this for three whole days, ravenously searching for clues to help her find “balance.”After the second day, he’d caved and thumped a pile of his old journals down on the desk near her, the calligraphy faded but still readable.All of his own research, some from Yavin 4, some after.He acknowledged he shouldn’t be helping her, that giving her the journals was in direct opposition to his plans, but he’d been unable to keep them from her any longer.

It had been worth the look of exhausted gratitude on her face, the small squeak of excitement - since she’d thought all his journals had burned that night.Apparently she’d even gone looking for them in the rubble of his hut.Ren had grown somber at that, the image of her, injured and alone, digging in the massive pile, searching for his things. 

He never should have left her there.Maybe- if he’d just taken her with him…

Shaking the regrets away, Ren focused once again on his own work.The Outer Rim continued to be a thorn in his side, difficult to control.Most of what was left of the Resistance had to be out there, but they were well hidden- as were any hints she might have picked up about their newest base.He’d been secretly fishing for clues inside her mind when she wasn’t paying attention, but that information was concealed, even from him.It would damage her if he tried to take it from her forcefully. 

Ren heard a small, muffled yawn.“Are you going to sleep at some point?”He asked.

“I’m on a deadline,” she snapped at him, scowling as her concentration broke.“If _someone_ gave me more time, I could take a break.” 

“Time is irrelevant when what you search for doesn’t exist.”He knew she’d continue anyway, stubborn as she was. 

She tossed the datapad down.“And you’re always right about everything?”

“Yes.”She was far too idealistic for her own good.Inevitably she would learn and it would crush her.Better he lead her to it, let her down gently. 

She rolled her eyes.“Don’t give me that ‘older, wiser, teacher’ nonsense.”

“We grow up.We outgrow our ideals, which were only dust and fragments.We build a life from those fragments, let go of childish things and live in reality.” 

“I had enough of reality when I was a child.It’s terrible.” 

Ren shrugged.“Life often is.Just because you desperately want something to be true doesn’t mean that it is.”

“What happened to you?That’s not what you used to think.”The lines between her eyebrows deepened, her eyes full of concern.For him. 

“I got older.”He knew only a few years separated them, but he felt ancient comparatively.She was sunlight, still golden despite her rough childhood, naively seeking only the good in people. 

“Where did you go, after you left?”The question was quiet. 

“I went to Snoke.He encouraged me to seek out the Knights of Ren, but -“ he paused.Should he tell her this?It would make no difference.He’d killed them all, whether it was on Yavin 4 or somewhere else.“- Hennix, Tai, and Voe followed me.We fought.Hennix died.I left Tai and Voe and went to meet the Knights.They didn’t listen, and they followed me- tried to bring me back to the Light.Ren killed Tai.I killed Ren, and Voe.I bled my kyber crystal and became Snoke’s apprentice and the Master of the Knights.”Ren was aware he said all of this with no emotion, as if it were some past to-do list.He was a monster, after all-and that had only been the beginning.The bodies of those he’d slain since then- there could be towers made of the skeletons. 

She was in front of him.He hadn’t noticed her move.“It must have been lonely.Without your family or friends.” 

Ren blinked.This was exactly what he needed to break her of - he’d just admitted to killing three of her friends, and the previous leader of the Knights to acquire power; and she was concerned that he had been _lonely_? 

Never mind that he had.It wasn’t the point.Instead of a scornful response, however, he found truth falling from his lips.“I hated my Master.I had no one I trusted.But I left the past behind me.” 

She knelt beside his chair, resting her head on his thigh.“I should have come with you.”

“No.”He ran his hand over her hair.“Snoke would have used you against me, or killed you.Or made me kill you.”His hand twitched as he said the last line, thinking of Rey.No one had made him do that.

“You could come with me now.You hate it here.You’re miserable.”She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. 

Ren stroked the side of her face.“It’s far too late for me.”He wouldn’t deny her statements.Part of him was miserable, had always been miserable the second he’d pulled the roof of the hut down on his uncle.But that couldn’t be changed. 

She shook her head.“I don’t agree.” 

Pushing the chair back, he settled onto the floor and pulled her into his arms.“I know.”Wiping the tears from her cheeks, he sighed. “Don’t waste these on me.I don’t deserve them.”A few more spilled over the rims of her eyes, making glittering trails on her skin. 

Ren slanted his mouth over hers, kissing tenderly, wanting to soothe rather than incite.Her body sighed into his, hands weaving into his hair to pull him closer.Ren smoothed his hands down her back.For whatever reason, she seemed more fragile than usual, her emotions riding closer to the surface. 

She pulled away, seeming to sense his worry.“What?”

Relieved to see her eyes were clearer, he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and shook his head.“Nothing.”Glancing at the clock, he frowned.“When was the last time you ate?”

“This morning, I guess.”She glanced back toward the disaster of her desk.“I’ve been distracted.” 

Ren chastised himself.He needed to take more care with her, needed to stop hurting her with his behavior, his inattentiveness.Until she was able to protect herself with more predictability, it was his job to shield her from harm.There were bruises of fatigue under her eyes.Raising himself to standing, he pulled her up with him.“I think we both need a break.” 

Ren moved to the control panel to order them both dinner.When he finished, she was still standing where he’d left her, looking slightly lost, her eyes unfocused.

“Sometimes, I see them without trying now.”Her voice was a soft whisper.

Ren stiffened.“See what?” 

“The threads.Like on Mustafar.”Slowly, her hand floated out, reaching for something he couldn’t see.“Is that bad?”Her eyes darted to meet his, questioning. 

Cold settled in his chest, thinking back to the way she’d gone limp in his arms, her body with him but another part of her strangely absent.“I don’t know.”He captured her hand in his.“I don’t want you to follow them.Not without me.”Something prickled at the back of his neck, a warning, and his tone hardened.”Promise.”

The answering smile she gave him was tired, and she pulled his hand to her mouth, kissing his knuckles.“I promise.” 

Briefly, for barely a millisecond, Ren wished he could ask Luke, but the anger blossomed shortly after, and he pushed the thought away. 


	72. Chapter 72

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

I felt Ben’s anger all the way across the ship in the training room, a flashpoint of raw energy in the Force.Pausing in the middle of practicing my lightsaber forms, I waited for another explosion, but there was none, the ripples fading out.Uncertain of what I should do, if anything, I chewed nervously at my lip.He’d allowed me to be escorted by MB-222 to the training room without him, stating he’d “been detained.” 

Closing my eyes, I reached out, brushing against his Force signature gently.He was like a tsunami of leashed fury, striding through the halls; so distracted he didn’t notice my timid touch.I tracked him, trying to figure out if he was headed toward me. 

He wasn’t.It seemed he was going to the Knights instead.I wanted to go to him, but I wasn’t allowed to roam freely any longer.Settling my lightsaber on my belt, I walked to the door.Better to ask forgiveness than permission.Ben was prone to fits of anger, but this had felt different- in the past I’d sensed irritation, but presently there was a flavor of anxiety under the rage. 

MB-222 turned as I exited.“Is there something you needed?”Guilt twisted inside of me.He wouldn’t let me leave unless I tricked him, and I recalled Poe’s emotional reaction when I had done the same to him.I liked MB-222. 

Swallowing my discomfort, I spoke.“You did not see me.I am still inside the training room.”

I watched his body stiffen, his voice going flat.“I did not see you.You are still inside the training room.” 

Scurrying out of his eyesight, I headed toward Ben, unsure what I planned on doing once I arrived.Part of me started to doubt the action, but I needed reassurance he was okay.

Coming upon the door to the Knights quarters, I stopped, continuing to question my decision.I could turn around now, go back to the training room, and no one would be the wiser. 

Before I could make my escape, the doors slid open in front of me.Kuruk stood there, grinning down at me.Fantastic.My least favorite of all the Knights had busted me.

“Hey there, little girl,” he cooed.He bent his neck back, calling into the room, “someone slipped her leash!”

My back stiffened indignantly.I was not a _pet_.“Out of my way,” I snarled, pushing him back and entering the room, zeroing in on Ben’s tall form in the far corner.Something in me settled the moment I saw him, despite the banked fury in his eyes at my appearance. 

I knelt in front of him, feeling his surprise.“Forgive me.I felt your anger and - and I was worried.”

“How sweet.”Kuruk mocked.“But he doesn’t need you, girlie.He needed us.Hence why he’s here and not where you were.”

The words stung.Was that what had motivated me?Jealousy?The kneeling hadn’t only surprised Ben- it surprised me.Why had I done that?The roles he inhabited in my life were all crashing into one another.Friend, lover, captor, teacher; nothing was simple between us. 

“You can best serve me by doing as you’re told.”Ben’s voice was ice cold.“Cardo, please escort her back to my quarters.”

I felt Cardo’s hesitation, but a strong hand grasped my arm, lifting me to standing.“All right, lassie, let’s go.Dinna fret.”

“Ren, you’ve been playing keep away ever since she kicked Kuruk’s ass.Let her stay.”Ushar pouted.“Things have been pretty boring around here lately.”I dared a glance out of the corner of my eye, seeing him lounging on a chair, tossing a knife into the air lazily. 

Feeling cheeky, I froze Ushar’s knife in mid-air and winked at him playfully.Something about being around the Knights made me bolder, and I was starting to like them.

Ushar clapped a hand over his heart dramatically, laughing.“You say the word, leave this stick in the mud, and we’re off, baby.” 

“Enough.”Ben’s voice cracked like a whip through the air.His finger came under my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his.“You will go to my quarters with Cardo, where you will stay until I return.Is that clear?”

“Yes.”My shoulders sagged in disappointment.Cardo propelled me out of the room by my elbow, grabbing his helmet from the entryway before we stepped into the corridor.We walked in silence the entire way, but he spoke just before I disappeared back inside. 

“He canna be hisself there.”

“What?”My eyes went to the mask, frustrated I couldn’t read his face. 

“The Knights follow the strongest.Be mindful o’that, wee lass.Any weakness can be exploited.”He tapped me on the shoulder, indicating what he meant.“Some ‘o us are loyal no matter wha’.But no’ all.” 

I nodded cautiously.“Thank you.” 

He bowed.“Mistress Ren.”For a moment, I paused, puzzling at him as he took his post.Unsure of what I was looking for, I closed the door. 

From my brief interactions, Cardo was the most approachable and kindest of the Knights, despite his actions in the training room weeks ago.But those actions seemed to be an anomaly compared to what I felt from him the last two times.And what was the significance of the title he’d used- Mistress Ren?Had I somehow won his respect?

I had to also consider it was a trick.The Knights had a vicious reputation.I sighed. It was exhausting second guessing people’s intentions, and Ben had been doing it for years; having no one he could trust. 

**_He could trust you, if you were loyal only to him._** I shook the thought away, as it had farther reaching consequences than I wanted to consider.What I _should_ be doing was using this time to continue my studies, to find a way to achieve balance in the Force; because if I could do it..I was getting too far ahead of myself. 

**_Maybe he doesn’t want to be helped.Perhaps he didn’t figure it out because it’s not what he truly wants- for who would give that power up willingly?Don’t you remember how it flowed through you, made you strong?_ **

Closing my eyes, I tried to push the voice away again.It seemed to be closer to the surface now, questioning me, taunting me. 

Tempting me. 

I shivered.The room seemed colder than usual.My body hummed with anxiety, and I paced restlessly, waiting for Ben to return.Like a tornado, my mind spun, that dark voice whispering inside my head, worries about the cause of his earlier spike of anger; panic that I would never figure out how to ride the line between Light and Dark.That I _would_ have to choose.

By the time the door opened, I had whipped myself into a frenzy, breath shallow and ragged from the dizzying spiral inside me, so distracted I barely registered that he wasn’t alone, almost failing to pull myself up short before blurting out his birth name. 

Cardo was with him.Inside our quarters.I backed away, thrown off by the intrusion- Ben never let anyone in our private space.Only droids. 

The Knight took his helmet off at the same time Ben did, revealing their long hair- one a shining russet red laced with silver, the other a deep brown.My eyes darted to Ben’s face, searching, trying to take a cue on how to act.

“Relax, lass.I’m on yer side.”He said, smiling.I had the strangest desire to jump between Ben and his Knight, just in case.Cardo laughed.“She’s a fierce one.” 

“That she is.”Ben said, setting his mask down and leading him to the dining table.He looked back at me expectantly, so I followed, taking a seat beside him. 

“Wha’ have they done now, lad?”Cardo asked.Ben didn’t object to the moniker. 

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair.“I need to go to Coruscant, for a summit.Each planet that has accepted First Order authority appointed a representative.The Council wants to establish a formal power structure.There may also be representatives from worlds that were less… compliant.” 

I frowned.“Don’t you just- tell them what to do?”My education was lacking, but I was pretty sure the First Order was an empire, not a democracy.

“It’s more complicated than that.”Ben said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.“The First Order itself is a military operation.But we’ve approached the stage where we need to move into governance.That means we need structure.I can’t be responsible for every little decision.”

“You hav’ ta choose who to trust.”Cardo commented. 

“Yes.” 

“But you don’t trust any of them.”I said quietly.

“Correct.”Ben replied, looking exhausted.“And the Knights don’t want anything to do with politics or responsibilities, so I can’t use them.”

I studied Cardo.“So they’ve refused you.Arguably when you need them most.”My voice was pitched low. 

“It’s jus’ not our way.”Cardo explained. 

I crossed my arms, unconvinced.“Right.Not your way.” 

Ben touched my shoulder.“Can you imagine me putting Ushar in charge of a planetary system?That’s not the solution.Espionage, murder, I could order any of those, and they would obey.” 

“What about the Council?”I asked- Pryde seemed effective, and I didn’t mind Parnadee.Hux on the other hand…

“I need Pryde here, running the military.So far he’s been content with the title of Allegiant General, and he hasn’t actively tried to murder me or undermine my authority.”Ben said.

“Glowing praise.”I quipped sarcastically.“Parnadee?”

“Maybe.”He steepled his fingers, deep in thought. 

“Was that what made you angry?”I asked.

“No.Yes.”His gaze was so intense I expected a hole to starting boreing into the wall in front of him.“I hate all of it.The thought of having to sit on that planet.”His jaw ticked.“It will be like the dinner on Mustafar, only ten times worse.Everyone will have an angle, a need, plans for their own ambitions and political maneuverings.They’ll all want a piece of it, of me.” 

“No use cryin’ now. Ya knew this day would come.”Cardo stretched his hands behind his head, lacing his fingers at the back of his neck.“There’s a price fer e’rythin’.” 

“When is the summit?”I asked.

“In two days.”Ben sounded miserable.“Cardo will look in on you while I’m gone, and he can train you.”He met Cardo’s eyes sternly.“Just you.No one else.”

“Yes, Master Ren.”Cardo nodded respectfully, his grey eyes somber. 

“You don’t want me with you?”Ben hated crowded planets; and he wouldn’t be safe there, alone, surrounded by potential enemies.My chest tightened.What if someone tried to assassinate him?It would be the perfect time.

“You think I’d risk taking you into that den of raptors?”He looked incredulously at me.

“You need me there,” I protested. 

Cardo rose from his chair.“I’ll jus’ be gettin’ on now.”Ben waved dismissively at him, his eyes never leaving mine, and Cardo bowed - to each of us, I noted, before leaving the suite. 

I pressed my point forward.“You need someone there you can trust.”

“ _Can_ I trust you?”The question flayed me open.“Or is this just so you can mine information to take back to your Resistance friends?”

Hurt, I grabbed for his hands, shaking my head.“No.No.You’ll be alone.Someone could hurt you.I _need_ to be there.”How could I explain this feeling- this knowing?“What can I do?” 

“You know what I need from you.”His hands were cold in mine, and a flicker of yellow fire danced in his eyes. 

He needed me to turn.Frustrated, I pushed away, finding myself pacing again.“What else?There has to be another way.” 

“You know there isn’t.Stop this childish search for a compromise.”Ben was behind me, his arm looping around my waist, tucking me close to his body.I bucked away, but he held fast, his lips whispering over my ear.“It’s time.Time to accept me as your Master.Become my Apprentice and prove your loyalty.Rule by my side.”

I felt drugged, dark vines of power twisting around my body, pulling me into him.Smoothly, he spun me around in his hold, capturing my gaze in his.It wasn’t Ben that looked down at me now.This was a Dark Lord.And he was quickly losing patience.Goosebumps rose on my skin, the room going arctic again.“Ben?”My voice trembled.

His hand slid under my shirt, gripping the softness of my hip, angling me even closer to him.I was teetering on the edge of an abyss.“ _Ben_.”I said again, more insistent.Fear was crawling up my spine.Whoever this person was, I didn’t trust him.Even as some part of me screamed to jump into the shadows, into the ravine that seemed to have no bottom, I couldn’t.Not without knowing he would catch me. 

Out of the corner of my eye, threads of time vibrated, overlapping.Calling out to me.I needed to escape whatever was happening right now.It wouldn’t violate the promise I’d made- he was right here in front of me.Wildly, I grasped the nearest one. 

And plummeted.


	73. Chapter 73

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

_Cardo bursts into the room.“We hav’ ta leave. Now.”_

_“What’s happened?”The panic on his voice jolts me from my studies._

_“Somethin’s gone wrong on the planet.He made me promise ta get you out should anythin’ go amiss.”He’s coming at me in long strides._

_“Amiss?”I knew I should have gone with him.Why didn’t I just go with him?_

_“No time.”Cardo grabs my arm and hauls me up, dragging me behind him, but I dug my heels in, resistant.“Lass, I promised.Please.”I stop, reluctantly letting him lead me forward.I know all about promises._

_“Where are we going?”_

_“The hangar bay.”He answers._

_“After that?”I press._

_“I dinna know, love.Tha’ depends.”His voice is softer, even with the distortion from the mask._

_“On?”Fear is seizing me.I can’t find Ben, the planet below is too chaotic; I’d lost his Force signature the moment he’d broken the atmosphere._

_The hanger bay is buzzing.Alarms are blaring, but no one gives Cardo or me a second glance, all too frantic to bother with a Knight.He shoves me into a small ship, punching the controls to close the door behind us, and wrestles me into the co-pilots seat, strapping me in.“Hopefully this is all an overreaction.No worries.”_

_He’s trying to placate me.“Where.Is.Ben.”Cardo doesn’t bother to strap himself in, too busy with flipping on the ship and smoothly piloting us to the vacuum of space beyond.He doesn’t answer me._

_“Cardo!”I yell, going for the straps at my chest, unsure of what I’m planning to do._

_“Lass, calm yourself.”His huge arm shoots out, pressing me into the seat._

_We jump into hyperspace._

Dizzy, I grabbed for another thread.

_I’m in our quarters again, lying on the bed.I’ve just come back from speaking with Leia about the summit, and about Ben._

_The doors open, and Ben stalks in, fury painted on every line of his face.“You thought you could hide it from me forever?What did you tell her?”_

_I scramble off the bed, away from him.“Ben, wait.I can explain.”_

_“You asked me to trust you, and I did.I took you down to the summit yesterday.You told me - you told me -“He clutches at his head._

_I move back toward him, worried, but I panic when I see his eyes.“Ben- don’t.”I have no weapon.My lightsaber is in the other room.I watch him ignite his own, his eyes a burning yellow rimmed with red._

_“You betrayed me.”_

_Tears well in my eyes.This can’t be happening again.I’m frozen to the floor, fear paralyzing me- or is it him?“Ben, listen.Please.”It is him.I can’t move._

_He’s practically on top of me now._

_The blade comes down on me._

Stars swirled in my eyes.I could hear Ben, frantic, calling for me.But I didn’t know where he was, unable to see.Something sucked me under again.

_I ignite a short, red, lightsaber, the blade savagely crackling.I swing and spin it in the confines of the work room, Kylo watching me from behind his mask.“Thank you, Master.”_

_I feel him flinch at the title.Good.I don’t care if this makes him uncomfortable.Not anymore._

_“Why don’t you call me Ben anymore?”He asks, the question bereft of emotion through the filter of the vococdor._

_“Because you aren’t Ben.I was fooling myself in the beginning, trying to lie and justify my own reasons for being here.You made it very clear who you were the moment you stepped into the cell.”I turn the blade off.“Ben Solo died when the Temple burned.”Grief cuts me open, but I’m dry.There’s nothing left.I let my eyes unfocus.“Just like I died in the interrogation room.”I made my choice.For him._

_He stares down at me, unmoving._

_I continue.“I don’t require a new name.To me, that’s unimportant.Your name had a storied past, weight.It made sense to shed it like a snake skin.”I wave my hand dismissively.“I am no one.Nothing.Unimportant.”Yes.I am nothing.No one.Everything will be easier this way._

Screaming in pain, I looked around me.They were everywhere, shining threads of time, clanging together like chimes - calling to me, constantly moving, changing.I was in the room, but I wasn’t. 

I didn’t want to see more.There were no happy endings for us, it appeared.It didn’t matter what I chose in the end.Nothing would be okay- one of us would die, or we would fall together.What I truly wanted, longed for, needed, it wasn’t an option for us. 

A voice was in the mist.“Difficult to see.Always in motion is the future.” 

_No.There is nothing else.No other path._

“You will find only what you bring in.”

_I had no hope left to bring with me._

“The dark side.Always it speaks to us, from our pain.Our grief.It connects our pain to all pain, our hurt to all hurt.” 

_There is too much pain, too much hurt in Ben._

_I can’t save him._

“To a dark place this line of thought will carry you.Great care you must take.”

I felt the tears streaming down my face. 

I was already in the dark place.


	74. Chapter 74

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Ren stared down at her limp form in his arms. This was different from before, faster. It had taken her no time at all to slip away. Anger filled him. 

Swearing, he took them both down to the floor. Technically, she had kept the promise, as he was here. Shifting, he brought her across his lap, letting her heavy head rest on his chest, pulling her body close to him. The warmth was leaving her, skin clammy to his touch, eyes flickering too quickly behind delicate closed eyelids. 

Her body twitched against his. At first her words were whispers, unintelligible, but she began to struggle in his arms, frantic. “Where. Is. Ben.” Anger colored her tone.

“I’m here.” Ren held her firmly, worried she may hurt herself.

What was she seeing? He didn’t know how to bring her back out.

The words continued to pour out of her, panic increasing. “Ben, wait. I can explain. Ben- don’t. Ben, listen. Please.” He felt it, her rising terror, heart hammering beneath her chest. 

Ren shook her. “Wake up.” What was he doing to her, in this vision? “Little one, come back. I’m here. I won’t harm you- you’re safe.” His own chest constricted with panic. She was lost, her body convulsing, words becoming less clear. All of them about him. Suddenly, she stilled. 

“You aren’t Ben. Ben Solo died when the Temple burned.” No emotion in her statement, still somewhere else.

It wounded him. I am Ben. He didn’t die when the Temple burned, he simply - evolved, and he was stronger now. Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, Master of the Knights of Ren. Jedi Killer. Unstoppable. 

But she was cracking something open inside of him. Something dangerous. 

Tenderness.

He kissed away the tears running down her face, rocking her back and forth. Ren had thought by bringing her here it would end the raging conflict within him, but her presence had only made it worse. Doubts that he thought he had pushed away and dealt with long ago were re-emerging. 

He knew what Snoke would say. She makes you weak. Rid yourself of her. Of this sentimentality. Remember Vader. Do not allow history to repeat itself, my young Apprentice. 

Even though her face was now twisted in sadness, she radiated sweetness. Ren nuzzled his nose into her hair, breathing in her scent. Despite the self-doubts that were now plaguing him, she was also a balm to his soul. It was as if simply to come into contact with her was enough to comfort and soothe injury. How long had it been since someone made him feel that way- other than her?

Never. There was no one else like her. Not for him. Ren could never let her go. 

The pattern of her breathing changed, and he felt her return to herself. Lifting his head, her tired eyes blinked up at him, confusion and fear in their depths. He stared down at her, continuing the rocking motions, brushing tears from her face with his gloved hand. 

“There’s no other way.” The delicate lines of her face wrinkled in despair, a new wash of tears filling her eyes. Her lower lip trembled. “I can’t see another way. I can’t fix it.” Ren felt her distress growing with every statement.

“Fix what?” He kept his voice low and soft. 

Her eyes closed and she shook her head. “Nevermind.” 

“What did you see, little one? Tell me.” 

She flinched away from him, fear spiking. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Irritation burned inside him. How could he keep her safe, help her with what was upsetting her, if she refused to talk to him? A sudden urge to push her away overtook him, but he fought it, waiting. Trying to be patient.

“Choices,” she murmured. “There are so many choices. But none of them lead to the right place.” 

Ren didn’t understand. “What is the right place?”

A small, cool hand traced his frown. “The place where you smile. I can’t find it.”

There was such concern in her gaze. His heart hurt. Ren hadn’t been sure he still had one, but it appeared he did. Of course she was looking for a happy ending. He turned his face to kiss her hand. “What about the place where we’re together? Isn’t that the right place?” 

“No- and yes.” Her gaze darted around the room, and he tensed, afraid she would leave again, to look more. 

“Don’t.” With more force than he meant, he grabbed her jaw, focusing her back onto him. “No more.” With a shaking breath, he admitted, “you scared me.” 

“Oh.” Her expression eased, and he felt her touch on his hand, loosening his grip on her face. She considered him quietly. “You scared me, too. Before. Your eyes-“ she broke off, uncertain.

It was happening more often, that slide into the Dark. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her. But- she’d almost given in, she’d been so close, and it had ignited a hunger inside of him. 

“You seemed willing enough.” His tone was silky, slightly teasing. 

She hummed low in her throat, not arguing, relaxing into him. Ren considered his options. He could take her back into the training room; she was vulnerable. It was the perfect opportunity to further guide her down the darker path. But again, he found himself working against his own interests. She was tired. 

Memories of Snoke’s training haunted him. His Master kept him awake for days at a time, until he felt like he could die from exhaustion and the distinction between reality and delusion was all but destroyed. He recalled the pain of the Force lightning along his nerve endings, his punishment for any type of “insolence”. 

Ren would not do that to her. His arms squeezed her gently. “Do you have more research to do?” 

Her attention snapped to him. “I thought we still needed to train today.”

He shrugged. “You’re tired. It can wait until tomorrow morning.” A smile crossed her features, a gift just for him. Ren helped her to stand, quickly moving to stabilize her should she feel dizzy, and stared down at her, marveling at how small she seemed. 

“Everyone is small compared to you,” she teased, catching his thought. Ren tensed. It always made him uncomfortable when she managed to read him. But, the thought had been harmless enough. Noticing his discomfort, she continued. “It doesn’t happen very often, that I sense your thoughts.” Her body brushed closer to him. “I don’t snoop- much.” 

“Speaking of snooping, are you going to tell me what it is that you saw?”

A shadow crossed over her face, erasing the easy expression. “No.”

“You were talking this time. To me.” Ren crowded her into the wall, staring down at her. “What did I do?” 

“It’s not important,” she argued, trying to slip away from him, but it was easy to stop her. 

“I insist.” He knew his tone was harsh, his face implacable, but he needed to know. 

“You lost control.” The statement was low, her voice quavering. “I think- “ Ren watched her struggle, unable to finish.

I think you killed me. 

Ren recoiled from her thoughts. “No. No. I wouldn’t do that.” Of course you would. Remember Rey. Pressing a hand to his aching head, he tried to stop the image of Rey’s face, the shocked look of betrayal, but he couldn’t make it go away. 

Remaining pressed against the wall, she watched him in silence, eyes sad and distant. “Always in motion is the future. Difficult to see.” 

His attention sharpened. “Where did you hear that?”

“In the mist.” Pushing off the wall, she took a few hesitant steps toward him. “Do you know who it was that spoke to me?” 

Ren growled. In the mist- riddles. She was speaking in riddles, and he didn’t understand why, couldn’t figure out how it was that she could see the things she did. And he didn’t appreciate another Master interfering with his training. But he didn’t lie. “Those are Master Yoda’s words.”

“Of course.” Chuckling, she shook her head. “I should have known that- his way of speaking is so distinctive.”

“What else did that voice say to you?” Suspicion rose inside him. If she was seeing the old Masters, was she truly that close to the edge, or was it all a trick?

“Not much. To take great care, that the dark side takes our pain, our grief, and our hurt, and magnifies them, connects them to all pain, grief and hurt.”

“Ridiculous.” Ren snarled. 

“Is it?” Slowly, she circled him. “You have too much pain and hurt in you.” 

“Don’t.” He didn’t want her pity, or her judgement. You have too much of your fathers heart in you, young Solo. These weren’t her words. “You sound like Luke.” Or Snoke. Any of his useless Masters. 

“I’m merely speaking the truth.” An eerie calm seemed to settle over her. It only served to stoke his rage. 

“Don’t pretend to know me.” No one knew him, not anymore. She may have understood him in the past, but there were years separating them now. 

She blinked, seeming to come out of a trance. “But I do.” A wistful smile passed over her face. “Or, I did. I’m trying to understand you, Ben, but you aren’t making it easy.” 

“You don’t need to understand me.” She already saw too much of him. It made him vulnerable to her. A luxury he could not afford; not until he was sure of her loyalty. 

“I want to.” Taking the edge of his cloak into her hands, she toyed with the fabric, running her fingers along the edge restlessly. 

“That is a privilege that is earned.” Ren ripped the fabric from her hands. “You know what you have to do.”

“I know what I have to do.” His words, parroted back softly from her, resigned. 

He had things that needed his attention, and he needed to get away from her. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, in the training room.” Ren grabbed his mask, settling it over his head. “I won’t be back tonight.”

The weight of her eyes on him seemed to stay with him all the way down the hall.


	75. Chapter 75

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

_You know what you have to do._

I stared at the door, my shoulders slumped in defeat.Whenever I got too close, tried to touch that wounded part of him, he ran.Ben was unable to discern the difference between compassion and pity in those moments.In order to reach him, he needed to trust me. 

There was only one way to earn that trust, it seemed.I knew what the General and Master Luke would think about the direction of my thoughts; I could hear Leia’s voice, telling me it was too high a cost- to come home.Master Luke would call me a fool. 

Ben’s journals sat on the corner of the desk.There was only one teacher that I could draw from for this decision.I’d put aside the older journals that he’d kept on Yavin 4, assuming they wouldn’t be as helpful.Perhaps I had made an error.Ben had more of a scholarly temperament than Master Luke.Our Master had been fascinated with old artifacts, but Ben was the one that researched them, his curiosity driving him to look at aspects of the Jedi Order that had been all but lost.Sometimes, late at night, he’d shared what he learned with me. 

_The library is silent this late at night, dozens of candles lit around us, piles of old texts and books.He is absorbed in his writing, but I am driven to distraction by him.The play of candlelight across his strong features, his expression intense, large hand deftly scratching across the parchment of his journal._

_We have broken every rule.Master Luke continues to turn a blind eye, but our fellow students disapprove.It’s harder and harder not to touch him when others are present.I know I give myself away every day._

_A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.“Do I have something on my face?”_

_Flushing, I shake my head. How long have I been staring at him?Pain tightens my chest.This cannot continue.Ben is set to become a Jedi Knight.Master Luke has been spending his time re-working the Trials.I know that isn’t my path.I don’t have the skills._

_But Ben does.Our attachment cannot be ignored once he becomes a Jedi Knight.Master Luke has made comments over the past month regarding my place here; not unkindly.But I know he wants me to choose to leave, to make things easier on Ben._

_My throat clenches with unshed tears._

_“You think I’m not aware of what he’s asking you to do?You aren’t going anywhere without me.”Ben is still focused on his work, not looking at me._

_I snap my teeth in frustration.Sometimes it’s too much, never having a private thought.“There are rules.We’ve flouted them long enough.”_

_“Is that what you really think?”He asks, his dark eyes pinning me._

_“It doesn’t matter what I think.The rules are there for a reason.Your family knows that better than anyone.”_

_Disgust twists his face.“Don’t.”_

_Aware it’s a sore spot for Ben, I still persist.“Think about what you’ve learned.Your grandfather didn’t listen to the rules, thought he was above them.Look what chaos followed in his wake.The entire galaxy suffered for it.”_

_Ben stalks over to me, his pen clattering onto the floor.“Do you want to leave?”_

_I swallow nervously.“Of course not.”_

_“There are other Jedi who had romantic attachments.It’s difficult to find information, but it happened.”He kneels in front of me, hands resting on my knees, slowly gliding up my thighs._

_Something like hope sparks in my chest.“Oh?”I try to make my voice casual.“Who?”_

_“Revan.”Ben says the name like a prayer, like I should know who that is, but I don’t.“He married another Jedi, Bastilla Shan.They had a child.”_

_Children.Marriage.With Ben.I can’t ask the question I really want, I’m too afraid, so I deflect.“I can’t imagine they were very popular with the Council.”_

_He shrugged.“A little disapproval never killed anyone.”He grips my hips, pulling me toward him._

_“You’ve never mentioned him before.”A shadow crosses over his face.“I think there’s more to this story than you’re willing to say.”I’m too suspicious to hope this is the answer._

_“It’s difficult to piece together the narrative.I only have pieces of it now.”He dots kissing along my jaw.“I’ll figure it out.”_

_I should stop him.Despite the late hour, anyone could walk into the library, see this intimacy.It’s one thing for everyone to pretend it’s not happening, another to have them walk in on it._

_“They’re all asleep.”Ben murmurs to me, his deep baritone sending a shiver of pleasure down the side of my neck.His fingers are dancing along the hem of my sweater, creeping the fabric upward._

_I let him take whatever he wants._

“Revan.”The name pulsed in the air around me.I pulled the journal to me from across the room, toppling the others on the floor.How much more research into this mysterious Jedi had he been able to do?The night in the library had only been a few days before the fire. 

My eyes skimmed through his elegant handwriting, finding what he had hidden from me all those years ago. 

Darth Revan. 

A Sith, not a Jedi.But I was confused as I continued to read, dates with question marks scribbled in the margins of the pages.Ben hadn’t lied about the challenges of piecing together the information.Revan was a Jedi in the Mandalorian Wars, apparently arguing against the Council and creating his own following of Jedi.Somehow, after the conflict, he fell to the Dark Side. 

And came back to the Light.He married Bastilla Shan _after_ his return to the Light.He had argued that his bond with Shan had been what brought him back, that positive emotions strengthened the connection to the Force, and that a romantic bond should not be denied.I could almost hear the argument Ben would have made to Master Luke. 

Ben’s notes became more harried, his writing harder to read, but the last part was underlined:

_Revan knew you could not fight the Dark Side without first understanding it._

Searching the other journals, I found no further information.I returned to Ben’s final line, reading it over and over until it became a litany in my mind. 

I knew what I had to do. 


	76. Chapter 76

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short Hux POV

Hux stared intently at the message he’d sent two days ago as the ancient data pad beeped, indicating a reply.

_Opportunity at Summit on Coruscant.Assistance needed.Can provide distraction for attack that will undermine First Order authority.Details enclosed.Advise.Note: the prisoner will be on Steadfast._

A vicious smile crossed his face at the response.

_Agreed.Minimize collateral damages.Two will rendezvous at appointed time.Code:RAVEN15._

Little did the precious General’s Resistance know they would be furthering his own plans.With luck, Ren’s pet Jedi _would_ be in attendance, and he would kill two birds with one stone, frame the Resistance and crush them all. 

Ren had been far too lax, no doubt fueled by sentiment.He may have killed his father, but it seemed his mother was a different issue.Hux had been shocked that Ren allowed Commander Dameron to escape, and after the review of the vids from the hangar, it only solidified what he’d suspected. 

That little witch had Ren wrapped around her finger.He’d had plenty of opportunities to crush her, and the Commander.Yet he hadn’t.Some of the vid had been corrupted, but whatever had occurred off the feed had caused the loss of the prisoner.Despite the fact Hux purposefully botched the distraction, refusing to let the man who was responsible for “General Hugs” experience any mercy, Ren had been a disappointment.Ren was only good for one thing, and now that was cast in doubt. 

If he couldn’t be trusted to kill indiscriminately, then there really was no more use for him. 

Anticipation of what was to come tingled under his skin.Two more days. 

Two more days and he would be rid of Ren. 


	77. Chapter 77

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is a long one. I've actually had this chapter written for months, so I hope that you like it!!

We danced around the training room of the _Steadfast_ the next morning, lightsabers buzzing and crashing together, my movements more fluid, faster as I carefully kept my distance from him, avoiding his attempts to trap me into corners or against other terrain that would lock us into a closer battle.

I didn’t need to reach for the anger.I could hold my own without it, barely.But he tried to coax me that way, impatience and irritation rising when I refused.True to his word, he hadn’t returned last night, and his anger had only grown in the time between. 

He flicked his saber off mid-fight, and I stopped. 

“Let’s try something new,” he said.My lightsaber flew out of my hand and into his.He set them both in the corner of the room, grabbing two long staffs.I caught one as he tossed it to me. 

From the glint in his eye, I had a bad feeling about this. 

The room went black.I gasped, panic seizing me.A sharp crack and my legs went out from under me, and I hit the floor hard.His gloved hand was around my neck, his mouth near my ear.“Use the fear.What’s beyond it?” 

He let go and moved away from me, and I lost him, unable to focus.I stood up, hyperventilating. 

He played with me, a tap against my shoulder, a sharp hit on my hip, a tug at my hair. 

“Ben, stop,” I pleaded.

“What is beyond the fear?” He asked again, his voice seeming to come from every side at once.

I lashed out, hitting thin air.Anger.It _was_ easier than the fear, focusing my attention.Pausing, I listened. 

To the left.My staff connected with his.

“Good.Again.”

He led me on a chase for what seemed like hours, baiting me and hitting me to keep me agitated.After a while, my frustration was honed into a blade, and I was able to track him, sparring in the darkness.

His energy was chaotic.The seductive crackle of his power pulled me to him, enveloping me as I crept closer.I realized I wasn’t breathing hard due to exertion.I felt my body flare to life, my anger fading into desire.The calm I’d had when I walked into the training room had evaporated, and I was a tangle of raw emotions. 

The touch in my mind was so subtle, I didn’t realize he was there until his Force signature exploded into a raw, jealous flame around me. 

“So, _that’s_ how you’ve held out,” he snarled.“More _visits_.”The last word was a curse on his lips.He froze me in place, the vibrant intensity of his wrath scorching an invisible path as he circled me.“You’ve been telling lies.” 

I answered honestly, aware I’d not get away with anything less.“Yes.” 

“Am I not enough for you?”He questioned.“Or perhaps I’ve been too easy on you?” 

I trembled.He was alive with rage, and my body was quivering with longing to be lost inside the storm of his emotions, to submit to his intensity.He’d broken some fundamental part of me when he’d left me on that alter, surrounded by lava, screaming for him.And before that, the first day on the _Steadfast_ , when I had tried to look into his mind and something had looked back, ripping a piece of me away.

_When you look at the Dark side, careful you must be.For the Dark side looks back._

A warning. 

I was suddenly on my knees, the back of my head braced against his thigh, neck exposed, the smell of ozone from his lightsaber thick in my nose; it’s red light illuminating the man towering over me, his eyes black. 

The fury swirling inside him was like a cyclone, the violence of it singing to me.My hands clenched on my thighs, and I tried to quell the ache inside me, but the sensations only climbed higher, tempting me.His jealousy made me feel wanted. 

_Jealously is the shadow of greed._ Another warning in my mind.But I _wanted_ him to be greedy for me, like I was for him.I was losing an internal battle, floating on the edge of the Dark, not wanting to stop, curious about what could be behind the next door.It was like quicksand, the more I struggled against, the more it pulled at me.The more _he_ pulled at me. 

“What is it you do, during these clandestine meetings?”The heat from his lightsaber intensified as it came closer to burning my neck.“Planning your escape?I thought we’d settled that.”

It was hard to separate what was his and what was mine.Anger, desire, jealousy, confusion, it was all around me and inside me.Everything felt muddled. 

Lust was a searing pain under my skin.Longing tugged deep in my belly.

I was so sick of fighting this.Of feeling ashamed for what I felt for Ben- this version of him.Somehow it was “wrong”.Why?Why couldn’t I just accept it?Take what I wanted? 

This day had been coming.I’d known it, deep down.All the need, the desire, the lust, it had been slowly towing me toward this, tempting me.The connection to my old life was the very thin string I was holding onto to avoid a quick slide into the ravine.I’d been reading the texts, meditating, trying to find the elusive middle ground I _knew_ existed, but I had only a few days left. 

Not enough time.And he _needed_ me. Needed to trust me. 

**_You cannot fight the Dark without first understanding it._ **

I was tired of fighting the gravity of him.Maybe he’d been right.Balance was an illusion.Even if it wasn’t, I couldn’t find it.

He hauled me up to standing.“I will kill you myself before I allow someone else to have you.”His voice was gritty and low, a hiss in my ear.“And this isn’t proving to me that you can be trusted.”

“I don’t want to escape.”I whispered.His body was a tall, broad column of heat against my back.“You can trust me.Let me prove it to you.” ** _You know what you have to do._**

He stilled.

“A part of me wants this.”I pressed back into him.“Craves it, even though I know it’s wrong.” 

I was so tired of _trying_.How many people had tried to get him to come home, and failed?How was I any different?Poe had been right, this was a suicide mission.Unless I chose to give in.Then I could stay, and avoid the outcome where I suffered loving someone who didn’t have the capacity to love me back.Avoided those other futures- his death or mine. 

“It’s not wrong.”Ben growled.He deactivated the saber, moved his hand to my throat. 

Delicious sensations, hot and heavy, settled in me.I pressed my hand over his, an encouragement.There was no need to be embarrassed; I could ask for what I needed and he would give it me.He would never judge me; not when it came to what lay between us. 

The pressure on my neck increased, and I felt my face flush, my lungs burning.

**_Yes.This.MORE._** A wanton, dark voice was keening in my head. ** _Submit._**

Imagining the mark of his hand bruised onto my flesh was making me wet, and I pressed my thighs together, squirming.

He groaned, his own breathing short and labored.He shoved his hand down the front of my pants, finding me slick and ready.Roughly working at my clit, he rocked his pelvis against my low back, rubbing his erection on me.He shoved three fingers inside me, using his palm to keep pressure on my mound.The silent, pitch-black room seemed to enfold us, lack of sight increasing the intensity of his touch, the sounds of our clothes sliding as we both sought friction with our frantic movements. 

I could only take in short little sips, the air squeaking through the pressure at my throat.Lightheaded, the combination of his sharp grasp and the feeling of weightlessness was intoxicating.Pleasure was blooming at the apex of my thighs as his grip tightened again.I began to struggle involuntarily, my body taking over, but the movements only served to increase the dark delight I felt for his control over me. 

“You’re so close.”His teeth nipped at my ear as he squeezed his hand one last time, completely cutting my ability to breathe for a fraction of a second.The orgasm crashed through me as he released his grip and I sucked in air, gasping and shaking, a hoarse cry coming from my ravaged throat.His fingers pulled out of me, leaving an aching emptiness, and I suddenly _needed_ him to be inside me.Clumsy, my limbs heavy, I turned to face him, my hands coming up to take his hair in my hands as I crushed my mouth against his.He broke the kiss off immediately, pushing me back from him. 

The side of my cheek exploded with pain as he hit me. 

I sobbed, the violent action only serving to stoke my need.“Please.”

He shoved me down to my knees. 

I heard the rustle of fabric as he worked himself free of his pants, and then his cock was cruelly slammed into my mouth, assaulting my already bruising throat.I gagged for a moment, his actions too fast for me to adapt, but I managed to relax the muscles, accommodating his huge girth.My cheek throbbed from his hit.

I sucked and licked at him greedily, running my tongue along the underside of his length, swirling around his tip when he pulled out to thrust back in.I took more of him this time, but he was too large for my mouth, so I used my hand at his base.He was trying to moderate the depth of his penetration, but I could feel his control slipping away from him, his movements becoming more desperate, ruled by his desire to find release.Increasing the force of my suction, I delicately allowed my teeth to graze him.

“Fuck yes.”He hissed.

Experimenting with his pain tolerance, I tightened my jaw, compressing his hard length more.A shudder went through his entire body as he jerked, so close to completion.Bringing my other hand up, I squeezed his tight balls.His cock pulsed in my mouth, my name groaning out of his lips.I swallowed the spurts of his hot seed, my tongue cleaning him as he pulled out.I wiped my mouth with my sleeve, feeling how swollen my lips had become. 

All that could be heard in the cavernous room was our ragged breathing.Several realizations came crashing into me at once.I could feel, inside myself, how the shadow had grown- a deep well of passion and desire, my strange joy at Ben’s dominating treatment.That piece of me wanted to be ruled, possessed.Owned.The shadow had been blooming ever since we’d met again in the darkness of the cell.It was a sick sort of poetry that I would give in now, again in the absence of any light. 

He had played at tenderness, for my sake, part of that still in him; but he was different.Forever altered.I was not going to get my Ben back, and I found I didn’t even want to- I was too far gone, lost to the present version of him.

I’d never really stood a chance. 

Kylo Ren was who I now longed for and wanted praise and affection from – not Ben.Ben had never really been here- it had been a lie I told myself in the beginning to justify my needs.The truth was I’d been equally as attracted to Ren, fascinated the second he’d revealed his roiling Darkness to me in that cell.Before then, even, it was the shadowed pieces of Ben that drew me toward him.

**_If you want him, you must follow him.You must be the one to change._ **

I licked my lips, nerves buzzing in my face from previous pain and the anxiety of what I was about to say.“Kylo.”I called out softly.

I heard his slow approach, his hand coming down to grasp the back of my neck and haul me upright before him.“I thought you said you’d never use that ‘ridiculous name’.”

“There’s another name I said I’d never use.”I responded.“Things have- changed.”I quivered with anticipation, knowing how much this would please him.

“Go on.”His voice was a low rumble. 

I cautiously lifted my hand to rest on his chest.His hand on the back of my skull gentled, his other arm wrapping around to draw me in closer.I felt a strange calm come over me.

“Master.”I breathed, hesitant. 

Kylo’s mouth crashed down onto mine, a ferocious claiming of teeth and tongue as his strong arms held me up against his hard body.It was brief and wild; a searing brand.The lights began to flicker back on.

His eyes blazed down at me, victorious as he lifted his head, breaking the kiss. 

I could do this.I _wanted_ to do this.He would catch me when I fell. 

“Show me the power of the Dark side.”I whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one panic, lol. If this isn't the direction you were hoping for, we still have a ways to go. This ended up being much longer than anticipated. 
> 
> And, for those who remember the notes from earlier, I am actually planning on a "choose your own adventure" ending. I will write my planned ending first, and then I will add at least one more, if not two, that break off at a certain chapter in the story to head in a different direction (once I have it up, I will add notes in that chapter that link to a separate AO3 work, as well as noting it in the notes of the last chapter). I am not quite organized enough to write all the endings at once, so if the ending I go for does not satisfy you, never fear! You will have at least one alternate ending, possibly two coming up after.


	78. Chapter 78

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!!! Another long update.
> 
> Ah- and if I could be so bold, please (if you feel comfortable) drop a comment if you are still around and reading. A few lovely folks commented last time but it felt a little like crickets chirping around here and I could use some external validation. 
> 
> As I've said, this thing just keeps getting longer the further I get into it, perhaps because it's one of my only sources of serotonin in this ridiculous year, and with ye olde election coming up soon here in the States, I need all the distraction I can get!!!

Vicrul stood in front of me, scythe in hand.“You’re not going to have as easy of a time with me, sweetie.”She bared her teeth and winked. 

Kylo spoke from behind me.“This is an exercise, not a duel.”

She stomped her foot.“Ren….”A pout overtook her face.“That’s no fun.” 

“When I stay stop you stop.Or,” his voice deepened, “I stop you.” 

“Fine,” Vicrul sighed.“But I don’t get it.She did fine against Kuruk.Let us ladies have some fun together.”

I turned to look back at him, curious as well. 

“Our way is not her natural inclination.She needs practice.”The statement was flat, without an indication of emotion.My eyes snapped to meet his, startled. 

“Ooooh.”As I’d come to expect despite her intimidating stature, Vicrul almost squealed with excitement.“We’re going to corrupt a natural Lightsider?Usually we just kill them.This is new.I like it.”

Kylo heaved a large sigh.“I’m so glad I have your interest and approval.”He pinched the bridge of his nose.“Attack.” 

Vicrul came screaming at me, and I startled, but met the first blow of her scythe.We circled him, testing each other.As usual, I was at a disadvantage in height and strength. 

“Stop.”We both obeyed immediately.He walked over to me.“You aren’t using your emotions.” 

I blinked, confused.The few times I had been able to access them, I had already been angry, or desperate.I felt neither.

“You need to be able to reach for them, call them to you.They should always be there, simmering under the surface, waiting.” 

“In his case, boiling.The man doesn’t simmer.”Vicrul was examining her nails. 

I heard his teeth grind together.“True,” he said sharply.His attention came back to me, and his fingers gently tipped my jaw upward, his face serious.“Close your eyes.Find the time when you felt the most angry.Betrayed.Bring it here, now.”

My lids fluttered closed. 

_“Take me with you!”I don’t know what part of me calls out, the words tumbling from my lips before I can think._

_Ben looks back at me over his shoulder, surprised.But his face falls into a cool, flat expression.“You can’t go where I’m going.”_

_Darkness dances around him.I’d always felt it from him, his edges frayed and shadowed._

_I fall to my knees as he turns and leaves me behind._

_Everything is on fire.My body aches from the impact of the hut collapsing onto me, my lungs are smoke-ravaged, my skin is raw and bruised._

**He left you.Pathetic.Everyone leaves you.** _I crush my ears with my hands, trying to block out this strange new voice.Tears are streaming down my face._ **He never said it, you know.Not really.Not out loud.He never loved you.**

_I think I may burst into flames from the intensity of my emotion, but something catches my eye.Movement.Robes.R2-D2!I sprint through the smoke.“Master Luke!”_

_He turns to me, his face pained.“I thought everyone was dead.”The little droid chirps at me happily, and I feel a wobbly smile start to cross my face._

_“What-“I swallow.“What do we do now?”I ask.“Ben, he- “_

_“I’m leaving.”_

_“What?”I frown._

_“I’m of no use to anyone.”He starts to walk away, and for a moment I freeze, but race after him._

_“What about me?”My voice is quiet, small.I know he doesn’t value me very much, but he wouldn’t leave me here._

_“Never let him find you.”Master Luke doesn’t even answer my question, never turns to look at me._

_I stand and watch him go.R2-D2 lags behind him, arguing on my behalf with insistent chirps and whistles, but he doesn’t stop.Finally the droid makes a sad noise, an apology, and speeds away._

_This is a nightmare.If I just wait long enough, I will wake up, and I can tell Ben all about this silly dream I had.I don’t know how long I stand, waiting for it to happen.I see the edge of dawn.The fires are smoldering._

**No one cares about you.No one wants you.** _I scream, my entire body vibrating with rage, and the fire is inside me now, charring my insides, stripping me of anything that was lush and green and calm._

_I am nothing._

I opened my eyes to a shocked face, my jaw still in his hand.I felt cold, dead, and raw just like I had that night.I wanted to hurt someone.How convenient my target was so close, looking so upset.“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.” 

Kylo flinched, and I turned my head away from his touch.

“Ready?”I asked Vicrul, not waiting for permission. 

A huge smile spread across her face.“You are _so_ much more interesting like this.” 

It was easier this time.I didn’t care.We sparred, and Kylo watched, silent in the corner, arms crossed.Vicrul took over my training, seeming to sense something had gone awry.She stopped me each time she broke my guard, drilling me with questions until I figured out what I’d done wrong. 

Finally, I started to make sloppy mistakes. 

“You’re done for the day,” she said, plopping her scythe over her shoulder.Her face was red, and we were both out of breath.“Not bad for someone so small and cute looking.” 

I laughed, but the sound was unfamiliar, dry and brittle.“Thanks - I guess?” 

She made her way to the exit, throwing a cheeky salute at Kylo.The doors closed behind her, and we were alone.I stretched, my muscles already screaming at me.“What’s next?”I asked into the air, keeping my tone light.

“You’re not nothing.Not to me.”He was right behind me.My anger had faded, but I found myself reaching for it again, pulling it around me like a cloak. 

“You had a funny way of showing it.”Resentment, like a bitter fruit, sat uncomfortably in my mouth. 

“You couldn’t follow me then.”Kylo’s voice was agitated, pushy. 

“And I can now?What changed?Suddenly I’m good enough?Rey didn’t pan out like you thought, so let’s go for the runner-up?”I mocked.On a roll, I continued.“Or, hold on, that’s not it, is it?You don’t want who I am, you want me to change.You want me for who I could be to you.You want me to let you mould me into what you need.”

“Stop.”He growled, grabbing my arm and trying to pull me toward him.I resisted.It was of little use, and I was crushed into him, his embrace tight around me.I went stiff as a board. 

Tears burned behind my eyes.I hated him, or I hated what he’d done, I couldn’t tell anymore.The emotions were out of control.I grabbed at them, their power, and _shoved_.His hold on me broke, and he stumbled onto the floor, looking up at me with confusion. 

“Figure out which one of me it is that you want, Kylo.I’m sick to death of playing your fucking mind games.”Twirling on my heels, I strode out of the training room and into the corridors of the _Steadfast_. 

Whatever it was that they saw on my face, people leapt away from me in fear all the way to our quarters. 


	79. Chapter 79

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short Ren POV

Ren lay on the floor, too stunned to react.How had he lost control of the situation that quickly?He couldn’t identify exactly how he felt about it.On one hand, part of him was crowing with pride.She had shimmered with rage, argued with him like a tiny spitfire.But the accusations she’d hurled at him, the memory that she had called forth when he’d asked her to find the time in her life when she had felt the most betrayed, had shocked him. 

Ren hadn’t expected it to be about him.When he’d realized what memory she had sank into, he’d been- so many things.Hurt.Guilty.Ashamed.Horrified. 

Mostly, he’d been stunned.She had this anger inside her, but it was so rarely expressed.Despite all the mistakes he had made, she continued to treat him with kindness.But beneath it all she was deeply hurt. 

He’d done that.So caught up in his own emotions, he never fully realized the impact of that night on her; the few times he allowed it to rise to consciousness Ren reasoned with himself that he had done it to protect her.A partial truth. 

Regardless, he couldn’t allow her to speak to him that way, for conversations to spiral like they just had.Reasserting control was the only option. 

He stood, pulling his mask to him from across the room, donning it before he headed down the halls. 

Entering their quarters, he saw her training clothes littered in a line toward the fresher.Ren found himself laughing, picturing her in a huff, ripping her clothes off- probably cursing at him while she did it.He bent down and picked them up, tossing them over to the soiled linens basket in the closet. 

Stripping off his clothes, he grabbed a pair of binders and headed into the fresher.It was time to tame the snarling woman from the training room into something more pliant. 


	80. Chapter 80

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut. :) Bondage.

I heard him enter, the door to the shower sliding open and closed, but I stubbornly ignored him.I was still angry.Nothing he could say would stop it. 

But my body was a traitorous harlot.I felt him behind me, so close we were just touching, and heat pooled in my belly.I pinched my eyes shut, trying to will my reaction away.His hands ran down my arms gently, teasing with his fingertips.I had rinsed the last of the soap from my body, but I didn’t turn.He pulled me from under the spray, reaching an arm around me to shut off the shower. 

My only warning was a soft snick, and then he had my arms behind me, binders pinching my wrists.His breath was on my throat.“Is that how an Apprentice should treat her Master?”Kylo crooned into my ear. 

_Oh no._ I thought, but unbidden came another reaction. ** _Oh yes._**

He guided me out of the shower, stopping me in the middle of the room.He took a towel and began to dry my body with quick, efficient motions, placing me in front of the sink when he was done, facing the mirror.I watched in fascination as he carefully absorbed the water from my hair and combed it out.His face was serious as he braided it down my back, securing it with an elastic.Kylo’s hands rested on my shoulders when he was done, and our eyes met in the mirror.My already aching arms were smarting with pain, clasped behind my back. 

Despite the discomfort, I found that I liked it. 

“I know you do.”He traced the line of my spine with his fingertip.Something was different about him.I was used to the last several times he’d taken control, barely leashed, angry.This wasn’t the same.Kylo was thoughtful and steady. 

Would I ever know all the facets of him?It seemed like a new one appeared every few days.He propelled me into the main room near the bed and vanished into the closet, coming out with a black strip of silk.He paused in front of me, eyes intent on mine, and I felt my breath quicken.My toes gripped the cool floor. 

He brought the fabric up to my eyes, and I backed away slightly.I expected anger, but his lips slid over mine, warm and soft.The blindfold slipped over my eyes as we kissed, secured tightly with a knot at the back of my head.His tongue stroked insistently into my mouth, each kiss more drugging, wetter, deeper.He took my mouth, ravaging it until heat flushed over my skin.

Kylo’s arms wrapped around me, bringing me against his hot, naked body.Blind, arms still bound behind me, I pressed onto my tiptoes to push my mouth harder on his.My fingers wiggled, longing to touch.It seemed to go on forever, a dance of lips, teeth and tongues.Eyes closed under the blindfold, the room seemed to spin around me, the small sips of air between kisses not enough.I’d never been kissed breathless before.

His lips curved against mine.A smile.I wanted to rip the blindfold off.He kept doing that, hiding the smiles and laughter from me.I thought I’d managed to make him do it a few times, but it was always concealed from me so I was never completely sure.Breaking the kiss, he steadied me before moving away. 

Immediately, I felt adrift.Alone.Some of the desire drained away.The anger from before had left, but there was a gaping hole inside me.My stomach clenched. 

“Ask the question.”My head snapped around to follow the direction of his voice, and I almost lost my balance.

“Are you that angry- all the time?” 

“I think you already know the answer to that.”It was a quiet scold. 

“I can’t be like that all the time.”I’d felt nauseous the second I’d made it back to our rooms, shaky.The shower had helped.But the sensation lingered. 

“Let me be the judge of what you can and cannot do.”His hand was on my breast, drawing delicate, tickling patterns over the sensitive skin.I felt my nipples harden, goosebumps rising on my skin.“I know you.”His other hand moved from my arm to cradle my neck, easing my weight backward, taking me just off balance.The brush of his lips sent little drops of sizzles, like water hitting a hot pan, along my spine.Thick hair brushed my jaw.

I wanted to argue, but he did know me.Sometimes I wondered if he knew me better than I knew myself.I felt a whisper of him in my mind.

“Always so busy with thoughts,” he commented.“Let’s see if we can’t turn those off.”Without warning, he deftly released the binders, pulling my hands over my head and allowing my body to fall to the bed behind me.Before I had a chance to enjoy the freedom, the restraints were again clasped, this time a notch tighter.I cried out, the pressure on the bones of my wrist a sharp ache.

My thoughts had scattered, but they coalesced once the binders became a dull pain, my nerves adjusting to the pressure. 

“Yesterday,” his hand came around my throat, a reminder, “indicated to me there were desires you had I was unaware of.”The blindfold slipped upward under his touch, and I met his eyes, dark and intense.“Desires I am more than willing to fulfill.” 

Goosebumps rose on my skin.I couldn’t discern if I was hot or cold.He held the stare, and I found myself relaxing into the softness of the bed, my breath slowing. 

“You will tell me if I do something you don’t want.”The ferocity of the command bordered on Force persuasion, and I saw a whisper of concern in his eyes.How odd, since he could read my mind, had been careless in his demands over the months I’d been here- until now. 

“I trust you.”He flinched as I said the words.“But, yes, I will tell you.”Kylo nodded curtly, and pulled the blindfold back down, sinking me once again into darkness.I closed my eyes and felt a gentle brush over each of them through the silk before he moved off the bed.

I heard a noise from the direction of the workroom, and he was back, shifting my body toward the head of the bed.Something slipped around the binders, clinking, and then snapped.Tugging curiously, I discovered I was now secured to the bed.His flesh was hot against my chilled skin as he straddled me, mouth skittering over my collarbone, arms wrapping under my upper back to arch me up toward him. 

Face buried in the hollow between my breasts, his lips and tongue licked and sucked at the tender flesh roughly.Teeth grazed the sensitive underside.My nipples were tingling in the cool air of the room, tightened into hard points, but he danced around them.I tried to wiggle, to silently beg for him to touch them, but the combination of restraints, his arms tight around my middle, and his long legs caging my own made it impossible. 

My mind went blissfully blank as he journeyed down my body, short nails scraping hard into my back, punishing bites sinking into the pillowy skin of my stomach, thumbs moving to press harshly into my hip bones.My wrists stung from the binders as I continued to try and move into him, each attempt causing the metal to grind in further. 

Kylo’s broad hand slapped into the side of my thigh, the hit hard and stinging.“Be still.”I quivered, body on fire.He slid back up, lips crashing into mine, devouring me.His thigh nudged mine, and his weight settled between them, the hard length of him resting on my mons.The feel of him rocking against me, the friction nudging the lips of my sex apart, slick with desire had me whimpering. 

“Kylo,” I breathed out, having gasped in oxygen between his forceful kisses, “please.”

The blindfold was ripped from my eyes, and his glowed with yellow fire.“Please what?”A hint of a sardonic smile played at the edges of his mouth. 

For a moment, I froze, but I felt no anger from him, only a raging craving and fierce possession.He waited, allowing me to realize I was still safe, could still trust him.The only indication of his impatience was the minute tightening of his hand, gripped at the base of my skull. 

A blush flared across my cheeks as I spoke.“Fuck me.” 

Abruptly, he shifted off of me and flipped me onto my stomach, the chain that bound me to the bed twisting and pulling the cuffs even tighter.I gasped in pain.Kylo stopped, leaning close to my ear, his touch running up to brush my sore wrists.“Okay?”It was such a gentle question, at odds with the hunger I’d seen in his eyes seconds before. 

“Don’t stop,” I begged. 

He grabbed the braided length of my hair, wrapping it once around his hand, pulling my head back and nudging my knees under me, smacking my ass.Tears filled my eyes from the sting of it, and I whimpered, excitement and anxiety tightening my chest.I was prone, hands bound, my head pulled back, his erect length pressing behind me.Kylo bent over me and nipped the skin at the top of my spine with his teeth. 

“I trust you won’t be speaking to me like that ever again?”There was a quiet violence in his tone.

“No.Never.”Truthfully, trapped in this moment, I couldn’t even remember why I’d been so angry. 

He tugged on my hair again.“You belong to me.”

I tried to nod, but couldn’t, so I repeated the words back, desperate for him.“I belong to you.”I felt my body heat at the admission. 

“See that you remember it.”

He drove into me.It was both too much and not enough.I screamed his name, my body burning and aching, a flood of pleasure and pain racing through my nerves.His teeth sunk into the crook of my neck, wringing another cry from me as his hips pumped savagely.Too many sensations were warring for dominance inside me, the sweet hurt of the restraints digging into my wrists, the aching burn of the muscles in my neck and back, and the overwhelming fullness of his cock slamming into me.The edges of my vision blurred as the orgasm hit.

The last thing I remembered before falling into a dreamless sleep was the tingle in my arms as the binders were released. 


	81. Chapter 81

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV

“I don’t like it.”Poe paced between the two X-wings. 

Rose stuck her head around the side, grease smeared on her overalls.“It was a close vote.I hear your objections, but we’re running out of options, ways to attack them.”Her arm swung out, indicating their tiny, run down fleet.“We certainly can’t win a head on confrontation.This is what’s left for us.” 

“This feels like terrorism.” 

“Connix trained her people well.They’ll try to avoid collateral damage.” 

“It won’t make us any new friends,” he grumbled.

“Maybe not.But most of the attendees are from planets who voluntarily bowed to the First Order.”

“‘Voluntarily’ can mean a lot of things.”He rubbed his hand across his beard, frustrated. 

Rose frowned.“I was surprised you weren’t in favor of this.It’s a bold move- low risk, high reward.”

“I just- this feels wrong.I can’t explain why.I have a bad feeling.”Poe _did_ have a bad feeling- one that wouldn’t go away.A knot had sat in his stomach ever since they’d agreed to the mole’s plan.

“Now you sound like C-3PO.”She swore, something clattering loudly on the cave floor.Poe slid under the craft, grabbing the tool and handing it back to her.“He’s always going on about bad feelings.”

Poe winced.It wasn’t a kind comparison.That protocol droid was more high strung than most of the organics.Maybe he did need to loosen up.But it tugged at him how the General and Finn and also voted against the move.Although Maz had voted to move forward with it, and she’d seen more conflicts than all of them combined. 

“I know you’re worried about her.”Rose said it casually, but there was an undercurrent of gentle probing.“But, she won’t be there.With any luck, this will even bring her back to us.”

Poe cracked his neck.“I know.”After what Ren had done, that’s all Poe wanted; for that monster to die, choking on his own blood, and for her to be free of whatever guilt or past loyalty bound her to him. 

“I see you continue to try and wear holes in the ground.”The General’s voice floated over to them as she approached, slowly and steadily, leaning heavily on her cane. 

Poe stopped his restless movement, grinning sheepishly.“Yeah.”

“I came to tell you both that Connix received confirmation that the two Resistance members she assigned have successfully landed on Coruscant.”Her eyes flicked from Rose to Poe.“The mission is a go, whether we like it or not.” 

“You could have overridden the vote-“ Poe started angrily.

“-Commander Dameron, we are not a dictatorship.”She poked at him with the end of her cane.“When you’re General, you do things the way you want.Until then,” she sighed, settling on a chair, “I’m in charge.”

“I didn’t mean-“

“-yes you did, Commander.I understand you’re angry, that you don’t agree.But that’s how things are sometimes.We can’t always get what we want.If we’re going to rebuild a Republic once we’ve defeated the First Order, we have to remember that.”

Poe closed his eyes against the piercing look she gave him.She was right.Of course she was right- she was the General; and Poe had no desire to take her place.

“I won’t live forever, you know.”It was a soft statement, meant only for his ears. 

“Sure you will.”Poe teased, unable to truly think about the reality of her failing health.She had to continue on, that was the only option. 

He was being selfish.What must she be going through?Although the plan was only disruption, Ren would be there.He could end up a casualty.Poe tried to hold separate the two identities in his mind; the General’s son and Ren.No matter what, should he die, it would be a blow to the General.Possibly a blow she would never recover from. 

“How are you doing with - this?”Poe clumsily asked.

Leia sighed.“That’s unimportant.”

“It’s important to me.”His mother had died when he was young.It was hard not to think of the General that way- as a parent. 

“I can only hope it has the intended impact, and that collateral damage is minimal.It’s not what I would have chosen, but I respect the decision.”Her eyebrows raised slightly.“As should you.”

“But-“ Poe hesitated, “what about Ren?”

“He’s made his choices, too.In the same way, they aren’t what I would have chosen.But I recently learned some painful truths.Not that it excuses what he’s done, but it shed light on shadowed corners.” 

“She said Luke showed up.”

Leia let out a cackle, and several mechanics whipped their heads toward her, smiling.“So, that didn’t slip by you the other day.She told you?”

“Not anything specific.”Poe shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other.“I don’t really get any of that stuff.”

“Oh, I think you understand more of ‘that stuff’ than you think, Commander.”Leia winked.“We’re all part of the Force.Each and every person.It’s an energy created by all living things, binding the galaxy together, binding us to one another.”She considered him in silence before rising from her seat.“Let’s take a walk.”

Poe offered his arm to her, and they exited the cavern at a sedate pace, her cane clinking on the stone.He led her in a wide circle around the base, a walk he’d seen her take many times.

“Ben was a sweet boy.Always helpful.But he struggled.I could tell from the very beginning, before he was even born, that there was a darkness in him.But Luke reassured me that all beings have some darkness within.”She looked up at him, examining his face before continuing.“What I didn’t know- what I’ve only just learned, is that Snoke was in his mind even when he was a child.Whispering to him, alienating him from us, although we made enough mistakes on our own.”She shook her head.“It can’t ever undo what he’s done, what he continues to do.”

“But it helps.”Poe offered, finding a surprising amount of compassion filling him.“He didn’t get there on his own.”He tried to imagine what it would have been like, Snoke’s voice in his head, and shuddered.

Leia squeezed his arm gratefully.“Exactly.”

Poe stopped, turning to face her.“Is that why she stays?”

“Perhaps.”She was again the General, sphinx-like in her response.Poe knew she had shared this with him for a reason, but he wasn’t sure what that reason was.

Finn rounded the corner, breathless.“Were we training today?”

“Of course.”She tucked her arm around his again.“The Commander will be joining us.”

“I will?”Why would she want him there?

“He will?”Finn blurted at the same time.

She didn’t elaborate her reason.“Escort an old woman up this hill, would you?”Finn took her other arm, taking the cane from her. 

Poe shared a befuddled look with Finn as they guided her gently away from the base.


	82. Chapter 82

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

The next morning, Ren gazed down at her sleeping form, sheets tangled around her soft body.He traced the bruises blooming on her wrists, the fading marks on her neck and the many smaller bruises left by his teeth along her skin.How delightful that she enjoyed seeing them as much as he liked making them- and her skin was so easily marked. 

She had immediately fallen asleep yesterday, her body and mind overwhelmed.Not once had she flinched from him when he’d tended to her.She trusted him, although he couldn’t fathom why. 

Lids fluttering open, the side of her mouth quirked up.“Now who’s thinking too much?”Ren enjoyed the early morning huskiness of her voice. 

“You’ll come with me to the summit today.”The words were out of his mouth before he’d even been able to consider them.It wasn’t a question, but she nodded, acknowledging his command. 

“As your Apprentice?”Wincing, she rolled her shoulders, stretching them.No doubt sore from the restraints. 

“And my Consort.”He felt her nerves flared at the word, and he observed the tension in her face.“Is that a problem?” 

“No.I-“The objection seemed to die in her throat, and she shrugged helplessly.“I’m sure there’s protocol.Mustafar was overwhelming, and I barely had to do anything.”

“You’ll be by my side the entire time.”Pride bloomed in his chest at the thought of her once again on his arm, beside him through the misery of politics. 

“It’s on Coruscant?” she clarified.

“In the old Senate building.” 

Moaning in distress, she rolled out of the bed, hands on her face.“I have to get ready.What am I supposed to wear?”

Ren rolled his eyes.“You’ve barely worn anything Marta gave you.I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”But he stopped, noting her nervously biting at her lip, hands wringing together.

Looking down at her hands, a squeak of distress sounded from her throat.“The bruises!”He watched her run to the fresher, heard another exclamation before she exited again, standing in the middle of the room.“I can’t hide them all.” 

He frowned.“I thought you-“ 

She cut him off anxiously.“- what will they think of you?”Distress lined her face.“I’m supposed to be helping your image, not hurting it!”

Striding over to her, Ren backed her into the wall, confusion and anger warring inside him.“I don’t care what they think, and who told you that?”

“Marta,” she whispered.

Immediately relaxing, he tucked her hair behind her ear.“Ah.”Marta always had opinions about how he should be going about things.“I wouldn’t worry about that.”An idea occurred to him, an impulse from long ago.“I”ll help you get ready.”

A dubious look crossed her features.“You?” 

Ren brushed a kiss over her furrowed brow.“I watched my - my mother - do it often enough.I even helped sometimes.”The words were like stones in his mouth, but he pressed forward.“One of her attendants taught me how to braid.” 

_The honeysuckle smell of her shampoo washes over him as he diligently twists his mother’s long, dark hair into the elaborate style, pinning it into place.She smiles at him in the mirror.Her hair is long and thick in his small hands, and he isn’t as good at it as Amelia, but he’ll keep practicing.He gently pats her shoulder.“All done, Mama.”_

_His mother gracefully swivels in the chair, picking up a gilded mirror to examine the back of her head in the larger mirror of her vanity.“It looks lovely.”She sets the hand mirror down and draws him into her embrace.“Thank you.”A kiss lands on his head, and she pulls back, sweeping his own unruly dark hair from his face.“You’re such a help to me, my sweet boy.”_

_He glows inside from her praise, but blurts, “Dad thinks it’s weird.”_

_His mother’s face changes, and for a moment he’s afraid she’s about to say something mean, but she pauses, and then grins.“It’s just not his way.And,” she leans in conspiratorially, “you know he’s had to help Chewbacca a few times.”Her eyebrows wiggle and she winks at him._

_He giggles, trying to imagine Uncle Chewie’s face while his dad brushed out his fur.“I won’t tell,” he whispers back to her._

Ren gritted his teeth against the lance of pressure in his skull, taking a sharp breath in.It was unwise to think back on those days.The past was dead.But the reward for the torture of that memory was a dazzling smile, beaming up at him with such amusement and joy it felt as if he might crack open from the answering emotion it called forth in his chest.“Your mother’s hair, even now-“ she paused and looked at him hesitantly, “it always looks so beautiful.”

“Braids were an important part of Alderaan’s culture.Especially the monarchy.The Queen always wore her hair in braids- or so I’ve been told.”He toyed with her hair, still caging her against the wall.

“Alderaan- that was her home world?”Her voice was quiet, the question gentle. 

He swallowed, chest tightening.“Adoptive home world, technically.Naboo and Tatooine were my grandparents home worlds.” 

“So- does that mean you’re a prince?”A mischievous smile lifted the right side of her face.“You’d make quite a handsome one.”

“Would I?”Ren felt a smile tug at his own mouth, so he leaned forward, his lips hovering above her own, hiding the expression.“What about an Emperor?”He captured her mouth before she could answer him, breaking it off quickly.“I think,” he heard the ragged edge to his own voice, “that if you don’t get into the shower now we’re going to be late.”All he could think of was dragging her back onto the bed, ever since the moment she’d rolled out of it.Her plush, naked body was pressed against the wall in front of him, her breasts- “ _Now_.”Ren ground out before the line of thinking could go anywhere else.

She slipped out from under his arms, grinning.“As you command,” she taunted, backing toward the fresher, “- Master.”The last word was blurted out with a squeak of laughter as the door closed and locked behind her. 

Ren bit his lip to keep from laughing or groaning, he couldn’t tell which.The closer she slid toward the Dark, the more she teased and taunted.He liked it.She seemed more confident. 

Maybe everything would work out in the end. 


	83. Chapter 83

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

“Sweet thing,” Ushar cooed at me in the transport, “what has he been _doing_ to you?You just say the word.I’ll treat you right.” 

I rolled my eyes, but smiled.“Who says I don’t want to be treated this way?”I patted at my hair, flashing the ring of bruises around my wrist.I was still nervous about the dress Kylo had chosen, most of the marks from last night easily visible through the sheer, light blue fabric that covered my arms, my hair upswept to reveal my neck.He’d clasped a stunning sapphire necklace around my throat, drawing attention to the marks there. 

It was like he wanted everyone to see them.I couldn’t fathom why. 

“Watch it, laddie.His grace only goes so far.”I noted how Cardo tried to hide his thick accent, the words crisper and cleaner than usual.Vicrul and Ap’luk’s vocoders deepened their voices, and I no longer felt foolish for assuming they were men.It was purposeful. 

“He’s only teasing.”I reassured. 

“Is he now?”Although the mask hid it, I felt suspicion from Cardo.I dared a glance toward Ushar again.I didn’t sense any malice behind his words.But I didn’t know them very well, and Kylo had made it clear Cardo was the Knight to be trusted, if any. 

I hadn’t been allowed my lightsaber, which had resulted in a short spat between Kylo and I before we’d departed.With the unease I had about this summit, I felt naked without it.He’d argued I didn’t need it, that I would be with him the entire time, or with his Knights. 

It hadn’t made me feel any better.I’d thought we’d made progress, that he was trusting me more, but it seemed I still had a ways to go.A flare of indignation heated my insides.Hadn’t I agreed to his demand? 

Kylo came up behind me, his arm a warm, solid band around my chest.“Do you have complaints about your treatment, little one?”He squeezed gently.The affection surprised me. 

I relaxed back into him, closing my eyes.“No.” 

Ushar snorted.“Like a contented kitten.”It wasn’t meant as a compliment, and I scowled.

Kylo dropped his head down to my ear.“That would be his mistake, underestimating you.”His other hand pressed against my stomach, bringing me closer still. 

I shivered, turning my head toward him.The transport bucked as we broke the atmosphere, and I felt Kylo’s entire body go rigid, his hand flexing into the fabric of my gown.

It was the only warning I had before dark claws gripped my mind as he frantically tried to use me as an anchor, his own straining to filter out the billions of minds below us in the city.I swallowed my gasp, desperately trying to cover up any weakness in front of the Knights.Fighting the initial impulse to protect myself, I dropped my guard, letting him in.He’d always read my thoughts, but this was different, his consciousness slamming into mine sloppily.I took his hand and led him toward the back of the ship and into the small med bay, ignoring Ushar’s snarky sexual comments.

The second the door closed behind us, he whirled me around to look at him, the fine lines around his eyes deeper, the only sign of his pain.“I’m sorry.”

I heard the statement ring in my head just before it came out of his mouth, a dizzying stereo sound.“I didn’t know it was that bad.Didn’t Master Luke- Snoke-“I didn’t even have to finish the sentence before he was answering me.

“- they couldn’t help.Snoke -“ 

“- taught you to tolerate high levels of pain-“I finished.

Suddenly, I felt him pull away.“This is too much.I could hurt you.”His skin went white with strain, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed his nausea.“I’m fine.”

“Clearly,” I snapped, irritated with the blatant lie.“We have to be down here all day.You can’t hide this level of discomfort for long.”I stopped for a moment, stunned, catching half of his thoughts.“You’re worried I can’t handle your anger.Did I not _ask_ you to show me - “

His mouth crushed mine as he gripped my mind again.Frustation, anger, self-loathing, confusion, desire all slammed into me, his emotions like a stormy sea, capsizing me.My body reacted to the rush of feelings, adrenaline shooting into my veins, and I clung to him, vertigo sending the room spinning.Jerking his lips away, he scowled down at me.“Can _you_ handle _this_ for an entire day?” 

I sensed the true subtext, though he’d managed to block his thoughts from me even as he burrowed into my head. _Can you handle me?_

My heart was pounding out of my chest.Power that didn’t belong to me wasbuzzing along my nerves.I briefly considered if this was what my parents had felt when they took a hit of glitterstim- and if it was, this may be the first time I’d ever really understood.I took several deep breaths, trying to find equilibrium.The intimacy of the connection was terrifying, my knuckles white from the hard grip I had on his forearms. 

“I- “ Words died on my tongue.I wasn’t sure there was language to describe the experience.Slowly, I brought my hand up to his face, cupping his cheek, guiding his mouth back to my own.We settled into a rhythm of soft kisses, and I nuzzled my face against his, feeling the calm drape over us. 

A knock sounded on the door, but I didn’t startle, having access to Kylo’s expanded awareness.It was Cardo.Smiling, I drew away.“We’ve got this.”Ripples of discomfort and skepticism were my only response, and I laughed.“Always so pessimistic.”

“I prefer realistic.”His gaze was sharp on me.“You’re uneasy about this, worried something will happen to me.”

“It’s just- a feeling.”The image of Master Luke popped into my mind. _Trust your feelings._ Something he always used to say to us.Kylo bristled at my thought, whether from the message or the messenger was unclear.He released me, unlocking the door and striding out into the main compartment. 

I stood for a moment, alone, concern warring for my attention.As if connected by a string, I felt Kylo tug at me, and my reverie broke.He was speaking with Cardo, and I drifted to the front of the ship.

The pilot was expertly weaving in and out of the densely packed skylanes.The view was a clear blue, sunlight glittering off of the endless structures that littered the ground.I couldn’t see a single patch of green, only a roiling cityscape.My eyes darted quickly, catching as much as a could through the window as we sped by.

“It looks better.”The pilot commented casually, noting my interest.

“Better?”I asked.

“The First Order has devoted vast resources to Coruscant.When the New Republic chose Chandrilla, well, this place was a mess, gangs fighting for control of the distracts; you needed personal security to be safe.Tourism dried up, those that could afford it moved away.”He seemed unconcerned to be mentioning the former Republic within Kylo’s earshot.“Since the First Order chose this as the First Planet, those that fled began to return, construction and repairs have been ongoing.It’s almost back to it’s former glory.”

“You’re from Coruscant.”The pilot nodded.He was older, possibly old enough to have lived here when it was the Imperial City.I assumed that was what he meant by “former glory”.I shifted uncomfortably, acknowledging how the First Order had been good for this planet in some ways.My galactic history was lacking, but even I knew how it had fallen from grace after the defeat of the Empire.

“I’m sure the people who live here are grateful.”I commented.

“Over one trillion.”He said it with pride. 

**_Perhaps the First Order isn’t all bad._ **

The thought was discomfiting.A huge, gleaming silver building grew closer, popping up from the ground like a metal mushroom.The pilot gestured.“That’s the old Imperial Senate Building.Don’t know if they’ve renamed it yet.”

“Where’s the old Jedi Temple?”The pilot flinched, and I hurried to correct my mistake.“I’m sorry, - I wasn’t sure what else it had been called.”My apology seemed to soothe him, and he chuckled.“The former Imperial Palace.That’s in a different district, not too far from here.” 

“It seems your education was lacking.”Kuruk said, coming to lean against the empty co-pilot’s seat.“So you really are good for only one thing.” 

The pilot stiffened next to me.I glared at Kuruk.“We were simply making polite conversation.Something it’s clear you have no experience with.” 

Trudgen came up behind me.I was glad of the strange connection with Kylo- they couldn’t take me by surprise today.“Leave the girl alone.” 

“He’s just a sore loser.”I commented, but my nerves jangled, the bare space at my hip where my lightsaber should have been dialing up my anxiety.The past few weeks, it had always been with me, and until this moment I hadn’t noticed just how much I relied on it. 

Trudgen made some sort of gesture at Kuruk behind my back, and we all watched in silence as the pilot smoothly docked us near the top of the dome, several First Order officers and a contingent of Stormtroopers waiting on the landing pad, the First Order insignia flag a blazing red in the sea of silver, charcoal and white.Glancing down at my gown of light blue, I wondered at Kylo’s choice.I stood out, looked completely out of place. 

Did I _want_ to belong? 

I touched the pilot’s shoulder and smiled at him when he glanced up at me, surprised.“Thank you.”

For a second he was stunned.Hadn’t anyone ever thanked him before?His face split into a friendly grin.“You’re welcome.”

Blessedly, Kuruk and Trudgen had disappeared toward the rear of the ship by the time I turned around to look for Kylo.He was waiting for me, but I hadn’t felt it.We were so entwined with one another it was as if he was an extension of me, the connection settling to only a low buzz in my veins.

He offered his arm to me and we walked off of the ship and onto the platform below. 


	84. Chapter 84

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

If there was a hell, this was it. 

Ren listened to his Senior Enlisted Advisor, Anya, ramble on about the next meeting.She had changed the arrangement last minute at his behest, moving them from the Senate floor to the old Chancellor’s offices.He glanced over at the cause of the disrupted plans- he’d listened to her concern about the summit.She was standing quietly with Cardo only a few feet away, pretending she was bored, but he knew differently.They were practically in each other’s heads ever since the transport had broken atmosphere on Coruscant.Ren didn’t know what had possessed him to reach for her the way he had, but it worked.There was still discomfort, but he was able to focus.Right now, she was listening attentively to everything Anya was saying to him.

Which is what he _should_ have been doing. 

“Run that by me again, officer.”Ren felt the flare of frustration from Anya, although it didn’t read on her face.He liked his SEAC, she was intelligent and organized, hard to rattle.It had been difficult to find an officer that didn’t immediately panic in his presence. 

Before Anya could launch into her detailed explanation for the second time, Ren heard her move toward him, the fabric of her gown rustling quietly.“I’ve got it, Anya.Give us a few moments, please.” 

Anya looked at her with suspicion, glancing up at him for confirmation, and he nodded. 

Cool hands linked with his as she stood in front of him.“The Zygerrians are next.The planet has an authoritarian empire.Their High Queen is the head of state, but you’ll be meeting with the Prime Minister, who is the head of the government.They have a long history of slave trade, which historically the Jedi opposed and the New Republic shut down after the fall of the Empire.They are focused on rebuilding this, and aligned with the First Order early in the Cold War.In terms of loyalty, they are focused on profit and highly exploitative, as they believe it is the natural order of things that the strong should dominate the weak.” 

“That is the natural order of things,” Ren commented.Although her voice had remained neutral- was that how she felt about him, deep down?He was exploitative?

“Then you should get along swimmingly,” she teased.“Additionally,” her hands moved away from his, and she moved her sleeves up, displaying the deep bruising on her wrists, “I would be useful in this meeting.”

Something twisted in his gut.“How so?”Now it wasn’t only her who was asking questions already knowing the answer. 

“The way you display me, treat me, can endear you to them.”There wasn’t a shred of emotion in the statement, only practicality. 

“Why are you being this way?”Ren snapped.

“What way?”Again, her tone was cool, and her mind was quiet. 

“You can’t mean to help me.”She hated the First Order, hated the slave trade.This was a trick. 

“It’s not a trick,” she sighed, reading him despite his difficulty reading her.“You told me what you needed from me, in order to trust me.I’m doing it.What more can you possibly want?”Color rose high on her cheeks, and she turned away, heading back toward Cardo.“You’re impossible to please!”

It was in that last moment that the Zygerrian Prime Minister entered, his eyebrow arched in interest at the drama he’d walked into. 

“Did I give you permission to walk away?”Ren called out.Now he didn’t have a choice.At the very least, he couldn’t allow anyone to speak to him that way publicly. 

She froze, noting the Prime Minister’s presence.Ren waited.She could help him or hurt him in this moment, her anger still high.Turning, eyes downcast, her body language relaxed.“My apologies, Master.”The connection between them flashed with electricity. 

Ren held out his hand to her, simultaneously greeting the Prime Minister and offering him a seat.“You’ll forgive her.She’s new.” 

“Of course.”Interest gleamed in the Prime Minister’s eyes.“The more spirited ones can take time to break, ” noting the bruising, he continued, “but I see you have her well in hand.”

Ren took his seat, and she knelt next to his chair.The wild mix of emotions between them was impossible to define.He rested his hand on the back of her neck.“Would you like some refreshment?” 

“Please.”

“Serve our guest.”Ren commanded, trying to ignore her spinning thoughts, the way she’d clasped a hand around her wrist, pressing against the tender bruises. 

“It would be my pleasure.”Truth rang in the statement. 

She moved to stand, but he stopped her.“It would be my pleasure…” 

“…Master.”The title was quiet, a mere exhale of breath.Unexpectedly sensual. 

Ren watched as she took the tray from the attendant, who was clearly confused and slightly terrified by the abrupt change in dynamic. 

“It’s so lovely to see,” the Prime Minister began, taking a sip of the cool beverage offered to him, “when they can’t help but enjoy it - especially when they don’t want to.”

Ren felt how close the comment hit, heard her sharp intake of breath.Even more distracting was the intense feeling of interest from Ushar, who was carefully watching the exchange along with the other Knights.“Indeed.”It was all he could think to say in response. 

The meeting was an undeniable success, less fraught than the previous three.When the door closed behind the Zygerrian, a heavy silence shrouded the office.Anya seemed frozen in place, when she would have normally scurried over to him with the next briefing.It was foolish to believe that anyone in the room hadn’t felt the sexual tension pulling between them. 

Breaking the silence, she lifted from her kneeled position next to his chair, shaking invisible wrinkles from her gown.“Well, perhaps now you’ll take my recommendations more seriously.I would argue that was a victory.”Ren felt her embarrassment, but she was covering well.“Anya, do we have anyone else who might enjoy that little floor show?”As if her submission had been merely the result of acting.

Spluttering for only a moment, Anya recovered, flipping through her ever-present data pad.“Definitely the Huttese ambassador.” 

“Undoubtedly.”The comment dripped with derision.“I know most are delegates from planetary systems, but I assume there will be meetings with bounty hunters, spice runners?”

Something in him snapped, hearing her casually name the dregs of the galaxy she might voluntarily debase herself in front of for his benefit.“Everyone out,” he thundered, grabbing her arm to indicate she was not part of the command. 

No one needed to be told twice.


	85. Chapter 85

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Resistance fighter Yasmine POV

Yasmine was frozen in place in the air duct, her muscles stiffened with horror, the small bomb delicately balanced in one hand. 

_She_ wasn’t supposed to be here.The mole had assured them.And what Yasmine was witnessing… Kylo Ren was a monster.The bruises, her kneeling beside him, those vile comments from the other man he was meeting with…

 _I can’t place the bomb now._ Her mind raced.There was no way to contact the Resistance, to let them know.She also couldn’t fail in her mission.Her partner had reassured her - sometimes there would be collateral damage.Think about all the people the First Order had killed, entire planets of them.Sacrifices would have to be made. 

_She was in the Resistance.She’d understand._ Yasmine argued with herself, glancing at the bomb. _Who knows what he’s done to her, what he might do.Maybe it will be a mercy._ The cold metal of the duct dug into her flesh, her hand shaking. 

Yasmine wiggled forward cautiously.Kylo Ren would most likely remain near the front and center of the room.For this to work, the bomb needed to be as close as possible, but the duct system wouldn’t allow for optimal placement.They’d had to change plans.The larger bomb they planned on using for the Senate hall had been scrapped and reworked into the device she now held.It was possible it wouldn’t kill him, but the instructions had been clear. 

Place the device as near to his location as possible. 

She settled it at the halfway point in the room.The Lieutenant had also warned her that unless Ren was distracted, he may be able to sense her.This was close enough, and the meeting sounded like it was coming to an end soon.Double checking the settings, she scooted backwards.The pick-up wasn’t scheduled until later in the evening. 

It was time to rendezvous with her partner and hide.


	86. Chapter 86

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

Kylo paced the length of the room as the heavy doors slammed shut behind the Knights.It looked as if he wanted to jump out of his own skin.I sensed the pounding headache, the fatigue of being on the planets surface even with my help, the crazed mix of disgust and desire he’d felt during the meeting with the Zygerrian Prime Minister.All of it I could feel like it was my own.I calmly watched him, my eyes following his movement.

 _Figure out which one of me it is that you want, Kylo.I’m sick to death of playing your fucking mind games._ My angry statement from the night before hung between us.I’d left before he could answer me then, but he didn’t seem to have an answer for me now, either.

The truth was, he didn’t know what he wanted.Maybe he was incapable of trusting anyone.When I’d resisted his attempts to turn me, he’d wanted surrender.Now I was actively supporting his efforts; which should have pleased him, but - Kylo didn’t understand why he was restless, either.Why he continued to be suspicious. 

I blinked, overwhelmed at the access I had to his thoughts.He’d blocked me for awhile, but the longer we were here, the more I was privy to; and I didn’t think he knew it. 

A gold thread caught my attention, flashing and vibrating.I turned away, not having the time or energy to deal with it, but it moved back into my line of sight, insistent.Hairs raised on the back of my neck. I saw them everywhere I looked now, snippets of time calling out to me, vying for my attention; but this one was different.

“Something isn’t right,” I said, moving closer to the line of gold winking at me.I dared a quick glance at him.“Don’t be angry.” 

Grabbing the thread, a familiar sense of gravity overtook me, like falling. 

_The room is thick with dust, shouts coming from the hallway.The door isn’t there, only a pile of metal.I feel a breeze on my face, the windows are shattered.My head is pounding.Despite the pain, I frantically search the rubble around me._

_Where is Kylo?He was pacing, we were fighting…_

_I see his body.I don’t need to go near to know he’s dead._

I ripped myself from the vision, jerking awake in his arms, the face looking down at me full of rage.Yanking myself from his arms, I pulled him up with me to standing, pushing him toward the opposite side of the room.He was resisting me, but I wasn’t able to explain, half in the near future and half in the present- all I knew was the insistent drum of panic in my bones.

I yanked the heavy desk from the other side of the room with the Force, sending it flying into the wall, punching a hole for us.Kylo looked at me with confusion as I sent him sailing through the opening, trying not to injure him, knowing I was running out of time to react.He was talking to me, but I could not hear him. 

Seconds.There were seconds left.

Flinging myself over him, I managed to get enough control back to explain, pulling his head into my chest.“Bomb,” I whispered into his ear.

The world exploded.The air punched out of my chest, bones vibrating with invisible force.My head smacked into something hard, ears popping.I gasped air in and coughed, lungs burning, grit filling my mouth and throat.Dimly, I knew I’d been ripped away from him, my shoulder screaming with pain, gown tangled around my legs.Quivering, I tensed for another hit, but nothing came.It had been so fast, nothing like I’d imagined. 

Easing my eyes open, I stood shakily, adrenaline pounding.Searching wildly,scrambling over pieces of ceiling and wall, I found him. 

He wasn’t moving.Had I interpreted what I saw incorrectly?Should I have tried to get us out the door into the hallway?Unable to stop coughing, I knelt next to him, checking for a pulse, time itself stopping as I waited.

The shallow thumping beneath my fingertips was the best thing I’d ever felt, but the blood coming from beneath his head worried me.I needed to figure out if it was simply a deep laceration or something more serious.Darkness danced at the edges of my vision, so I shattered the glass of the window with a casual push of Force, trying to get fresh air flowing into the room. 

Stunned, I stared at my hand.It had never been that easy before. 

_No time to think about that now._ Closing my eyes, I scanned Kylo’s body.It was a strain; I still wasn’t used to using my healing skills.Feeling nothing serious and no indication of spinal damage, I turned him, peering at the back of his head.Most likely a mild concussion.A gash ran under his hair, the source of the blood.Deep, but the skull appeared undamaged. 

I heard loud male voices calling out. 

“We’re in here!”I yelled. 

Cardo was the first one through the opening, stumbling toward us.“Is he-“ 

“- he’s fine.A mild concussion, a deep cut on his head, maybe some bruising.I scanned him-”I met Cardo’s confused face, his mask gone.“He never told you I could Force heal?”

“No, lass.”He glanced backward, worry etching the lines of his face deeper.“And I dinna think you should tell anyone else.”Stormtroopers and Knights were pouring through the hole in the wall, as well as the actual door that led to the room we were in.Panic flared in my chest.

“We don’t know who set the bomb.I don’t want anyone touching him.”My voice had gone cold, and I felt power sizzle under my skin.I placed my body between Kylo and the people filling the room. 

“Everyone OUT.”I didn’t recognize the tone I’d used, and I felt my eye twitch. 

“So, you think _you_ can give us orders now?”Kuruk spat, his eyes meeting mine insolently.They were all covered in a fine layer of dust, unmasked.Even some of the troopers faces were visible. 

My hand rising, I slammed Kuruk into the interior wall with invisible power.His hands flew to his throat, but I shoved his arms against the wall.He could choke and die for all I cared.“Yes, I do. ** _EVERYONE OUT_**.”I tried to mimic the way Kylo said it, but it came out like more of a scream than a command. 

“Lass- “Cardo started.The Stormtroopers filed out into the hall, but the Knights remained. 

Color was desaturating, everything fading to shades of grey, white and black.No one was touching Kylo unless I allowed it.They were either with me or against me. 

Understanding flickered across his face, and he bowed respectfully.“Mistress Ren.” 

“Yes, Cardo?”Kuruk was still flailing against the wall.Faintly, I felt blood trickling from my ear, but the swirl of fear and rage inside me didn’t abate.The Knights valued strength, and their Master was currently incapacitated on the floor.I had to keep control. 

“Please allow us to assist you.”My eyes snapped to focus behind him, on the other Knights, all standing at the collapsed wall, their attention flicking between Kuruk and Cardo.“What are your orders?” 

“Contact the _Steadfast._ I want this building locked down.No one gets or out without my knowledge.Keep the contingent of Stormtroopers in the hall, and call for a doctor.I want the Supreme Leader moved to another room on this floor, and treated here.”I allowed Kuruk to fall to the floor, and addressed him directly.“Do you have a problem with me?” 

He chuckled through fits of coughing, rubbing at his neck.“No, ma’am.” 

Ushar had already moved to the doorway, snapping out orders to the trooper nearest to him.

“Where is Anya?”I asked.

“Here.”She squeaked from behind Trudgen. 

“This doesn’t get out.Any other meetings we have today, postpone them.Tell them it’s a gas leak, anything but what it actually was.Do _not_ tell them he was injured.”Her head was bobbing up and down frantically, eyes wide. 

I reached behind me and took Kylo’s lightsaber from his belt.“Vicrul.”Her face broke out into a grin, already knowing what I was about to say.“You and I are going hunting.Floor by floor.I want to know who was responsible for this.” 

Trudgen stepped forward.“If I may, I’d like to take a look at the bomb.My skill set may be most useful there.” 

My eyes flicked to Cardo, and he nodded.“Fine,” I said, reluctantly moving away from Kylo’s still form.I didn’t want to leave him, but I had no feeling I shouldn’t.What I did want was to find who did this.

When I did, I wanted to make them suffer. 

I ignited Kylo’s saber, twirling it a few times.The hilt was unwieldy in my small hand, and the length of the beam was problematic for my stature, but it would have to do.This would be the last time I ever allowed myself to be separated from my own weapon. 

“Let’s go.” I called out, stepping over the debris and heading into the hallway. 

I didn’t need to look to know that Vicrul followed me. 

They would obey me, or die. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, that's all I've got for you this time, lovelies!
> 
> Hope you've enjoyed. :)


	87. Chapter 87

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate character POV (Yasmine)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Another update- a little shorter this time, but a lovely reader comment poked at me to update and I didn't want to make them wait! :)

Yasmine cowered in a conference room with Tijn, both of them huddled behind a long, low sofa that was so new it still had the plastic covering over it. 

This had not been the plan.The detonator must have been faulty, had gone off well before it was set to, leaving them no time to flee the Senate building before the entirely of the First Order bore down on their location. 

They were trapped. 

“What do we do?”Yasmine hissed at her partner.This was only her second mission, but Tijn was far more seasoned.Surely he would have ideas?But his face had gone a pasty white, like all the blood had drained from his face.There was a thin sheen of sweat on his brow.

“I don’t know.I’ve never had a mission go sideways.”His voice shook, just a bare whisper of a response, like he thought someone may overhear them.Not possible, as the floor they were on was still deserted.There was no noise coming from the other side of the door. 

Yasmine searched the parts of the room she could see.There were air duct vents, but Tijn would never fit, and she refused to leave him behind.If only she had thought to bring her climbing gear- but who could have predicted they would be desperate enough to try and scale the outside of the building?A seasoned climber would not be foolish enough to try it without gear; the shiny metal had few- if any- footholds, and the wind shear alone…no.

No air ducts.No climbing out.There had to be another way.Someplace they could hide that the troopers would never think to look. 

Yasmine eyed the sofa.This was the answer.If they flipped it over, pulled the innards out and hid them in the ducts…the plastic wouldn’t even be disrupted.Stormtroopers weren’t smart enough to think someone would hide inside. 

Poking Tijn, she whispered the plan in his ear.Pulling back, his expression was incredulous, and a wide, crazed grin spread across his face.“You’re a genius, a genius!”He grabbed the sides of her face without warning, and planted a sloppy kiss of gratitude on her mouth.Yasmine pulled away, batting his hands off of her. 

“You can thank me- if it works.”It _would_ work.It _had_ to work. 

Bolstered by a plan, they tipped the sofa over quietly, cutting two slits in the bottom, yanking out fistfuls of fluff and springs.Yasmine carefully unscrewed the grate nearest to them and began to shove it in, way back and out of sight.It seemed to take hours, her heart pounding in her ears, blood racing in her veins.Finally, there was a spot big enough, and they crawled inside.

“One, two, three!”They rocked together, tilting the sofa until it crashed down onto the floor.Wincing, they waited with bated breath, but no one came running. 

“All that’s left to do is wait,” Tijn said quietly.“We might miss the pick-up, but I can figure it out.We just have to avoid capture.”

Yasmine relaxed a litte, and wiggled into a tolerable position.It was stuffy and warm, little airflow making it into the space, but they would be okay. 

They both watched the quality of light in the room change through the fabric, bright yellow sun turning to the softer orange hues of an upcoming sunset.It had been quiet for so long, Yasmine had been tempted to make a run for it, but Tijn had shaken his head, cautious.He’d insisted they needed to wait until the room they were in had been cleared and the search had moved on. 

Finally, they heard movement.Tijn grabbed her hand and squeezed, his finger coming up to his mouth- as if she needed a reminder to be quiet.Despite her annoyance she squeezed his hand back, and focused on breathing as little as possible. 

The door whooshed open.“They are going to kill you when they see what you’ve done to the place.”A deep voice, female, sarcastic.“Especially if we don’t actually _find_ anyone.”

“I’m simply being thorough.”Another woman.Yasmine frowned.This was unusual.They didn’t sound like troopers. 

“What makes you think they’re even still here?An operation like that, I would have been in and out.”Another whoosh of a door.“Hello?”Soft chuckling.“Well, no bombers in the ‘fresher.”

“Your commentary is hilarious.”The second woman’s voice dripped with annoyance. 

“We’ve been at this for hours.I’m bored.You had such murderous intent in your eyes when we left, and I’ve not been able to kill one single person.It’s disappointing.”Yasmine met Tijn’s eyes, lifting her brow.He shook his head subtly, as if to say _I have no idea either._ This exchange was puzzling. 

“Has he woken up yet?”The lilt of the question was hopeful. 

“Ugh.For the fiftieth time, I’ll let you know when I know.He’s probably fine- he’s taken worse beatings than this before.Hell, that little Jedi practically-“Tijn’s eyes widened at the word Jedi.

“- I don’t want to hear about Rey.”Yasmine’s mind was racing.So, they were talking about Kylo Ren, whether he had woken up or not.It had to be.She’d heard stories about how Rey had injured him on Starkiller Base.The scar he bore. 

The bomb hadn’t killed him.Yasmine’s chest tightened in disappointment.She’d failed. 

“Ohhh.Is that jealousy I hear?He was pretty single-minded when it came to her, I will admit.But, I don’t think he harbored any romantic feelings- he did kill her.”Tijn squeezed her hand insistently again, mouthing something at her slowly, over and over. _Knights of Ren._

“You’d be shocked what Kylo considers an expression of caring.”Yasmine didn’t think Kylo Ren had a caring bone in his body.Also, Tijn must be wrong.The Knights were men. 

“Please.I don’t need to hear about your bedroom habits.Ushar never shuts up with his speculating.Those bruises are only going to fuel his curiosity.The man needs to get laid.”Whoever she was, this woman spoke with teasing familiarity.

Yamine saw Tijn’s eyes spark in recognition at the name, and he mouthed insistently again, _Knights of Ren._ They both flinched as something crashed loudly on the floor. 

“There’s no one in here.Let’s move on.”One set of steps was loud, pounding toward the door, but the other was harder to hear.The door opened and shut, and silence fell over the room once again. 

_Wait._ Tijn mouthed at her.Yasmine nodded, muscles screaming.If she was this uncomfortable, Tijn had to be in agony, his large body crammed even more awkwardly in the tiny space, but he made no movement at all, so she followed suit, just in case. 

Finally, when it was almost completely dark, he nodded, twisting his body with a groan.“Okay, let’s flip this thing back over.” 

Luckily, it was far less noisy getting out than it had been getting in.Yasmine stood, stretching, unpleasant pops and cracks sounding from her back.“What now?”

Suddenly, there was movement from the front corner of the room. 

“What a truly inspired hiding spot.”Yasmine’s heart leapt into her throat, but she sagged in relaxation when she spotted the light blue gown, now torn and dirty.She hadn’t been killed, either.Some of the guilt that had been heavy on her shoulders dissipated. 

Tijn was less pleased, whipping the blaster from his holster.“Hold it right there.”His eyes frantically scanned the room.“Where’s the other one?”

“Downstairs.We split up, and I doubled back.”She lifted her hands in the air, spinning around.“I’m unarmed.” 

Tijn squinted, his face skeptical.“We didn’t hear the door open again.How could you have gotten back in?” 

“Ah, well-“Tijn’s blaster flew from his hand, cracking against the wall and falling to the floor.“-it was worth a try.” 

Yasmine didn’t even have time to scream.


	88. Chapter 88

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

Vicrul stared at the two figures on the floor.“These two?”Her face was twisted in doubt.“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.”Betrayal ate at my insides.The girl had recognized me, I was sure of it.Knocking them out had been just as much for me as it was for them.When I’d realized they were Resistance something truly terrifying had whispered inside my mind.I hadn’t trusted myself to get the information I needed out of them. 

Now, with Vicrul standing next to me and a few moments to calm my rage, it was time.I had to know for sure.With a snap of my fingers, the girl woke up, and I noted Vicrul’s look of interest.It was probably because Kylo hadn’t severed our connection- I had access to power I shouldn’t. 

**_Or is that simply what you’re telling yourself?_ **

The young girl scrambled away from us, hitting her back on the long set of windows behind her.Huge, terrified brown eyes gazed up at me.A flicker of sympathy echoed within me, but I crushed it under. _They could have killed you._ I’d been so sure that it was a bounty hunter, or a gun for hire that was responsible for the bombing, perhaps even Hux.Not the Resistance.Terrorism wasn’t their style- or so I’d thought. 

I arrowed into her mind, distantly hearing the screams she made as I took the information I needed.They hadn’t expected me to be there, or they hadn’t been told.She- Yasmine, had even hesitated, considered aborting her mission.It should have made me happier - they had no intent to harm me, but it was a cold comfort when Kylo remained unconscious on the upper floor.Perhaps he did deserve it, after all he’d done.I didn’t care.No one would hurt him again if I could prevent it.

My hand found the lightsaber hanging at my side, the cold metal biting against my skin.Something about it reassured me.Yasmine was curled into a ball on the floor, holding her head.Interestingly, she didn’t know much.Not even the true location of the primary Resistance base, and part of me was relieved.Despite the fury bubbling in my veins I wasn’t ready to reveal them, couldn’t really wish them all dead. 

The man was next, and he offered up more opposition than his compatriot, causing me to use more energy to be satisfied I’d found everything he knew.“Minimize collateral damage” didn’t sound like the General.In fact, the whole plan was off. 

“I found what I needed,” I said flatly to Vicrul.When I’d strode out of the bombed room with Kylo’s lightsaber, I’d had one thing in mind.To find and eliminate the threat.Now that “the threat” was in front of me, I was losing my nerve.Something I couldn’t afford, not until Kylo was awake again.I didn’t trust the Knights. 

My stomach turned, a wave of nausea breaking over me. _The Knights follow and value strength.You have no alternative options._ I ignited his lightsaber, the chaotic blade so volatile I swore my teeth were chattering from the vibrations.From the corner of my eye, it seemed to drip with blood. _How many people died on this blade?_

Meeting my own eyes in the reflection of the window, I brought the saber down and across their bodies.Such minimal effort.Vicrul whistled low from the corner she was leaning against, a smile playing at her lips. 

I clipped the lightsaber back on my belt.“Let’s go.”Pausing, I made myself look at the two people I’d just killed, face carefully blank.“Have them disposed of- we can’t have them stinking up the place.” 

“Sure thing, boss,” Vicrul replied.The response could have been mocking, but it wasn’t.She was already moving to bark an order into her communicator, following me through the opulent, twisting halls of the Senate building. 

Unsurprisingly, General Hux had been a thorn in my side the entire afternoon and evening, but the Allegiant General had stepped in to override every temper tantrum the simpering ginger had pitched.I didn’t know what Kylo had said to him about me, if anything, as Pryde allowed me to take control of the operation with no more than an insistence I report my progress each hour.I was sure the Council had met on the _Steadfast_ at some point, but nothing significant seemed to have come of it.Not yet, at least.

My next move was to get time with Kylo unobserved.I had hoped he’d wake on his own, but luck was not on my side.Healing him was the only option now, as the longer he remained unconscious the higher the chance of a coup.He’d made it clear the entire First Order was full of snakes. 

Ap’luk and Ushar were lounging outside the door to the suite he’d been moved to, casually chatting with some of the Stormtroopers.I’d never seen them so integrated into the First Order military structure.Either this was normal, or my orders had pushed them into an awkward position.It would all be put right soon enough.

Anya accosted me the second I stepped through the door.“I brought you some clothes.There’s a shower in this suite, I know you haven’t had a chance to clean off.”Blinking, I noted that everyone other than Vicrul and I had changed, free of the gritty film of the explosion.Glancing behind me, I watched Ap’luk hand Vicrul a stack of garments. 

I’d been too single minded to care.“Thank you,” I stammered out to Anya.Now that I had achieved my objective, I noted how dry my hands were, the itch of plaster, dirt, and chemicals on my skin.My mouth was tight, my lips chapped. 

I felt miserable.For so many reasons.The bodies of Yasmine and Tijn flashed in my mind.If only a shower could cleanse me of those sins, too.Frozen, I stood in the middle of the room.Who was I becoming?My eyes fell on Kylo, laying in the bed.At some point, he too had been cleaned up, his typical simple black tunic and pants replacing the finer outfit he’d worn for the summit. 

Cardo’s quiet voice snapped me out of my daze, a low whisper in my ear.“Dinna ye worry.I’ve go’ things well in hand.”I let out a breath, closing my eyes for a moment. 

“I won’t be long,” I said in reply, and headed for the shower.For a government building, the refresher was shocking opulent.Cobalt blue tiles lined the floor and the shower enclosure, the walls painted a cool grey.The sink was a solid slab of granite, threads of silver and gold glinting at me, reflecting the relaxing lighting from the tracks installed in the ceiling.I set the pile of clothes on the corner of the counter, and stared in the circular mirror at myself. 

Plaster dust winked in my hair, making it look as if I were older, greying streaks in the braids.I thought back; had it only been this morning that Kylo had patiently combed through my long strands, deftly twisting them into a deceptively simple coiffure?A dry laugh escaped me, thinking how well it had held up through the long day.I would have to tell him when he woke up.I watched tears fill my eyes, dripping down my cheeks, leaving clean trails down my dirty skin.The bruises were lost, blending in with the patches of grime.Dried blood had trickled down my neck from my left ear. 

Closing my eyes, I pressed my nails into my palm beds.There was still work to do.I shucked off my ruined gown and undergarments, ruthlessly tore at my hair, pulling out pins and elastics, listening to the pins ting on the tiled floor, scattering everywhere.Someone else would have to clean them up.Kylo’s lightsaber sat on the sink.I re-checked the lock at the door, paranoid. 

Stepping into the blazing hot stream of water, I scrubbed furiously, having to take several passes with shampoo and soap to get the water running clean off of my body.For the first time, I noticed the nicks and cuts from debris, more dried blood dotting my extremities.I toweled off quickly, squeezing as much excess water from my hair as I could before braiding it down my back and rinsing off one of the elastics to secure it.Anya had brought a day dress, a simple navy, the fabric flowing to my ankles, the boatneck modest.Normally the color would have complemented me, but fatigue had left my undereyes dark, and my bruises stood out ever more against the deep color. 

At least it was clean, the fabric cool and comfortable.Blessedly, she had thrown in a belt, and I secured it at my waist, placing the lightsaber back at my hip. 

A loud commotion from outside had me rushing back into the room, my bare feet damp on the carpet of the main room, and I felt the connection, which had been silent for most of the day and evening, snap into place as Kylo’s confusion and panic screamed in my head. 

Cardo was with him, trying to explain the lost time, why he was in a different room.The other Knights had entered, nervous, twitching at the entryway.A physician was clutching at his throat in the corner, eyes bulging. 

For the second time, I rose my voice.“OUT!”I brought my hand up imperiously, indicating the exit.Slipping into Kylo’s mind, I managed to release his grip on the physician long enough for the man to scamper away.No doubt I would pay for doing that later. 

Unlike the first time, the Knights didn’t question my authority, grabbing Anya’s arm and fleeing through the door I’d indicated. 

Kylo’s eyes were wild on mine, his body tense, eye twitching with rage.In contrast, his tone was cold, the words clipped and precise.“Would you care to tell me, _apprentice_ , why suddenly everyone is taking orders from _you_?” 


	89. Chapter 89

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Ren hated feeling out of control.The blood was rushing in his ears, and he felt shaky, disoriented.The room was tilting, nausea rising in his stomach.He had no context for why his Knights had just obeyed _her_ , why his lightsaber was resting on the belt secured around her waist.How she had managed to get him to release the physicians throat. 

“You were unconscious.”The reply was simple, her voice even and calm.She didn’t move toward him, her eyes wary on his. 

He blinked, snippets of memory coming back to him, her fainting, him catching her - then, then what?

“It was a bomb,” she answered.“Short term memory loss is a common side effect of concussions.It may come back to you later.”Her head tilted slightly, examining him, waiting.Ren noticed her damp hair, could smell unfamiliar soap, and the dress she was wearing wasn’t the one he’d seen in her in last.The lines of her face were drawn, skin pale.There was a tug in his mind.“See for yourself,” she offered.

A flood of images and feelings poured in, her desperately pushing them through an opening in the wall, the sudden pressure in her chest.Panic as she realized he was unconscious, her immediate instinct to protect him.A wave of rage, Kuruk against the wall, choking.The Senate building hallways, Vicrul beside her. 

The Resistance, their plans, ripped from someone else’s mind.The flash of his lightsaber in her hand.Two bodies. 

Ren heard his own quick intake of breath, surprise widening his eyes.She’d killed them.Driven by anger, fear, possessiveness, she’d hunted down the people who had tried to hurt him and mercilessly slain them.He cursed himself for ever doubting her.Blamed himself for being weak, putting her in the position to make choices that weren’t - they weren’t her.Ren could feel the shame inside her memories. 

He waited for the rage to come, spurred forward by the knowledge she’d given him.They’d tried to kill him.Acceptable.Ren could understand it.But not her.She hadn’t done anything to deserve it.Oddly, all he felt was gratitude, a strange emotion he didn’t know how to process.She was here, in front of him.They were both alive.Those responsible had been dealt with. 

_She_ had saved _him_. 

Pushing away from the bed, he tried to move to her, but she was already colliding against him, tumbling onto his lap.Ren gripped her, pulling her into his embrace, and she buried her face in his neck, words cascading from her lips. 

“I would do anything for you,” she said.The truth of the words rang down their connection, like the vibration of a tuning fork.Her small hands clenched, and she wiggled, trying to press into him even harder.“I’m afraid.Afraid of how far I’ll go.”

“Don’t be afraid,” he soothed, running hands down her back, “I feel it, too.” 

“I-“ she stopped, gasping, “I-“They both knew the words she wanted to say but couldn’t, the words they never said, made even more powerful because they were unspoken. 

“I know.”He wondered if he hadn’t always felt it, right from the moment he’d watched her walk off the ship behind his uncle, like a missing piece of himself coming home.Ren was slightly amused to hear the phrase pour from his lips- his parents had responded to each other the same way. 

“What if I can’t - do what it is you need me to?”Her voice trembled.“We’ll destroy one another.”Ren felt her tears on his neck.“I hated who I was today.I _hated_ it.” 

He shifted her, bringing her face up to his.“You did what you had to do.” 

Her head shook, “It was more than that- I was so _angry_.They’d hurt you, I didn’t know who to trust…”Red-rimmed eyes met his.“I did awful things before- back on Nar Shadaa.I promised myself I would never do those things again.” 

“Surviving isn’t a sin, little one.”Ren stroked her face, watched some of the tension fall away at his words.He fought another wave of dizziness, and she frowned. 

“Let me heal you.”She’d brought her hands up to his face, but paused, waiting. 

Something in him recoiled, but he fought it, wanting to allow her this and understanding the necessity of presenting himself as invulnerable once again.Ren nodded at her, and a cool, tingling sensation spread from her fingertips, dancing delicately under his skull.Her lips brushed his gently, her warm breath sighing out against him.The cloudiness in his mind subsided, the sense of unbalance receding, the room coming back into alignment around him.Her eyes were dazed and heavy-lidded when she finished, and a small sound of distress vibrated in her throat. 

“That’s all I can do,” she said, melting into him as if she were boneless. 

He stood, picking her up easily, all fatigue gone.Gently, he set her in front of him, taking his lightsaber and dusting a kiss on her brow.A strange sense of lightness filled him, the connection he’d made to her earlier in the day soothing him; and the planet was quieter, people headed into their homes for the night, some of their minds already a mild drone, sleeping. 

Now that she’d found the perpetrators, there was no reason to stay on the planet.He searched the room, finding his boots resting near the door, a cape thrown against a chair with his helmet atop it.Ren settled even more once the mask was in place.Glancing back, he noted her glassy eyes.She was fading fast, the events of the day catching up to her.Her pale, bare feet clenched into the soft carpet and she swayed gently, like a willow in the wind. 

Ren swept her up into his arms, and she leaned her head against his shoulder without protest.Striding out into the hallway, only Anya’s face gave away the shock of the switched roles.If anyone else was surprised they wisely hid it. 

“I want a debriefing from General Pryde upon our arrival to the _Steadfast_.”After a beat of silence, everyone sprang into action, his Knights falling in behind him.He heard Anya’s voice fade as they walked toward the landing pad.Ren never had to worry about the details, about how things got done.He simply ordered them and they occurred. 

The flight back was uneventful, Ren breaking the connection with her once they left Coruscant, an uncomfortable bite of loss in his chest when it dissipated.Despite the muscle fatigue, he carried her with him to the debriefing, something in him not wanting her out of his sight again.Rather than stand, he settled into a chair at the head of the table.The fact she hadn’t stirred since they’d left Coruscant was a testament to her level of weariness. 

Pryde raised a single eyebrow at him, a silent question as his eyes flicked to the woman in his arms, but Ren ignored it.“Status,” he barked.The Knights had taken posts around the perimeter of the conference room. 

“The bombers were Resistance.We have no further intel, seeing as your Knights took it upon themselves to rob us of the chance to interrogate them further,” Pryde began, displeasure coloring the statement.“They provided me updates on the progress of their search.”

So, his Knights had hidden her involvement in the dispatching of the two Resistance members.Interesting. 

“There were no signs of any other attack.We are sweeping the building, so far there are no other explosive devices of any kind.The _Steadfast_ has been fully swept as well, per protocol.”Pryde steepled his fingers, thoughtful.“This was, with what we know so far, a direct attempt on _your_ life.I am pleased to see you have recovered, and your-“ Pryde seemed to struggle for a word, “- _companion_ was not damaged.” 

“Indeed.”Ren replied.“Does the Council have a recommendation?”

“Yes.We would like the summit to continue as planned, with a few security changes.We will be repairing the former Chancellor’s chambers, of course, but that will take time.The meetings that were postponed can occur here, if that is acceptable to you.”

“Fine.”Relief filled him at the thought of avoiding the planets busy surface. 

Pryde hesitated, taking in a deep breath.“I would like to dedicate more of our resources to rooting out the remaining Resistance cells.However, I understand that may be a delicate issue for you.”

Ushar snorted.Ren almost laughed.“‘Delicate issue’, General?”

“Well, yes.Your mother.”Pryde shifted, discomposed. 

“It is of no concern to me.She has made her choices.With this recent attack, it is time to crush the final dregs of the Resistance.”A lance of pain before he spoke his next thought aloud..“After all, General, she did just order the assassination attempt of her own son.”Ren had thought it was beyond her to do such a thing, but he’d underestimated her.A dangerous mistake, and one he should not have made.Always his mother chose duty over family. 

It also had not escaped his notice his mother’s willingness to sacrifice the sleeping figure that trustingly curled into him now.Ren could almost forgive the General for the attempt on his life; a tactical decision.But, to ignore how that decision had almost killed her- that was unforgivable. 

Pryde tilted his head, giving in to the point.“True.Is there anything else you wish from me, Supreme Leader?”

“No.”

Pryde stood, clasping his hands behind his back as he exited at a sedate pace.Ren appreciated that about him.Most of the First Order couldn’t stand to turn their back on him, and if they did their steps were swift and nervous.The Allegiant General respected him, but had enough of a backbone to not scurry from him like a frightened rodent.Notable as well that Pryde had not seized power; it would have been an easy thing. 

The Knights stood in silence around him, waiting.They had much to speak of, but now wasn’t the time.Gently adjusting his hold on her, Ren pressed back from the table and moved to the door.“Tomorrow.0800 hours.” 

He needed time to think. 


	90. Chapter 90

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia POV

Leia stared at the message on her data pad.

_Attack unsuccessful.Resistance fighters did not make rendezvous.Intel from inside the First Order has confirmed their deaths._

Despair and relief warred for dominance inside her.Her son was still alive.But the two brave Resistance members that entered the old Senate building were not.For her to feel any joy was disloyal to the cause they fought for, but to feel none was treachery against her heart as a mother. 

Connix burst into the room.“I have a message from the mole.”She flashed her datapad’s screen to Leia. 

_I cannot continue to put myself at risk if you are not able to deliver.Beware your own members- they betray you._

“What does that mean?”Connix’s brow was tense with worry.“Who betrayed us?It couldn’t have been Yasmine or Tijn.Did they break under questioning?The intelligence I received didn’t indicate the Supreme Leader was involved with their deaths.”

“Pain is a powerful motivator,” Leia replied.“I know how hard you’ve worked to train our recruits against torture, but I cannot hold it against them if they broke.”She laid a hand on Connix’s shoulder.“You have our members set up as cells for a reason.Even if they revealed what they knew, it was minimal.We’ve seen no indication that their cells location is compromised at all.”

“Then what did the mole mean?” 

Leia shrugged.“They could be angry we failed, afraid.Difficult to know.” 

“Maybe this was a mistake.We made the wrong call.”Connix flipped to another report.“The First Order is mobilizing more resources to track us down.”

“It is done.We continue to move forward.”There was no use looking back, for so many reasons. 

“We should have listened to you.To Poe, and Finn.”Connix’s shoulders slumped.“This is a disaster.”Her eyes were downcast.

Leia lifted Connix’s chin.“We persevere.This was a failed mission, but we’ve had many of those.Don’t lose faith.”Leia’s face was thoughtful.“We lay low.There is still one asset in play.”

“After what we did- will they blame her?”Connix’s voice was distressed.“Will she pay for this mistake as well?” 

“Perhaps.We’ll know soon enough.”Leia sighed.“Until then, minimal communication between cells.I know it’s not a popular order, but -“ Leia paused, laughing quietly, “tell everyone to find a hobby.We wait for them to tire of looking for us, which they will.Eventually.” 

Connix nodded.“I’ll spread the word.” 

R2D2 beeped quietly from the hallway.Leia smiled.“There you are.You’ve been elusive the past few weeks.”The little droid rolled over, chirping and grumping about Rose and ship repairs and C-3PO.She patted his dented dome affectionately.“Would you mind finding Finn and Poe for me?”R2D2 chittered happily.“Let them know I’d like a word, when they get a chance.No rush.”Leia watched as he sped away.Everyone was always underestimating droids, but the sassy astromech and his high-strung protocol counterpart had been with her from the very beginning. 

It hadn’t shocked her to learn that C3PO had been built by her grandfather, and that R2 had served her grandmother.Something about it made sense, how the two were woven into the history of her family.Indeed, it was R2 that helped fill in much of the family history she had been ignorant of, the tiny droid having never experienced a full memory wipe. 

Poe came rushing into the room, out of breath.“You called?R2 said to haul my — uh, butt over right away.”

Of course he had.“Sit down, Commander.Finn should be here any moment.”Unless, of course, R2 was having fun; he may tell Finn to take his time. 

A few moments later, Finn appeared, just as out of breath as Poe.Perhaps she needed to work on their cardio more in training.He crashed into a seat gracelessly, and Leia winced at the groan from the old chair. 

“The mission was unsuccessful,” she started, immediately holding her hand up to stop Poe from yelling something akin to “we tried to tell them”.“I’ve instructed Lieutenant Connix our next step is to stay under the radar.The First Order is bringing more resources to bear to root us out.It is unknown what, if anything, our Resistance members Yasmine and Tijn told them before their deaths.The mole has warned us against betrayal.”

“We’ve already been under the radar, General,” Poe argued.“If we continue to play it safe, there won’t be anything left to save.”

“I have another plan,” she countered, “one that I need both of you focusing on.”Leia stood with some difficulty, pacing the length of the room.“How much do you know about force sensitivity?”

Finn and Poe looked at one another with confusion.Finn answered for both of them.“Almost nothing.”

“Back before the Clone Wars, and during them, the Jedi would seek out children with force sensitivity, taking them from their homes and training them in the Jedi Temple.It was easier to train them from a young age, and it helped avoid attachments.”She brushed at an errant leaf on the floor with her cane.“After the Republic fell, there were Inquisitors- loyal to the Empire, that sought out force-sensitives.Luke tried to re-invigorate the Jedi order, but there wasn’t enough time before the First Order began to take control, and his students were mostly lost in the fire on Yavin 4.”Her dark brown eyes settled on them.“Kylo Ren and his Knights continued the Inquisitors legacy for many years, hunting down Jedi and killing them.However, that directive has fallen to the wayside over the last two years.That is where we come in.”

Finn frowned. “You want us to recruit force sensitives?How?Where?I never would have known if it hadn’t been for Rey- and you.”

Leia nodded in acknowledgment.“You were also raised in the First Order.The reconditioning you received most likely blocked those gifts from you.But it can show up in many ways.Heightened agility or stamina.Inexplicable intuition.”She smiled at Poe.“Higher than average reflexes, charm, and seemingly inexhaustible luck.” 

Poe blinked, stunned.“What?”He shook his head.“No.I don’t-“ waving his hand in the air wildly, Poe continued, “- I’m not involved with any of this- stuff.”

“Mumbo-jumbo?”Leia asked, teasingly.

“Yes!”Poe exclaimed exasperatedly.“Mumbo-jumbo.”Sinking into his chair and crossing his arms, he scowled.

“Han thought so, too.It didn’t stop him from using it, even if he wasn’t aware.”Her face turned pensive.“Easy to assume that my son is powerful due to the Skywalker bloodline.But that wasn’t all.His father was force-sensitive.Perhaps not to the extent that Jedi are, but not insignificantly.”Sharp-eyed, she turned once again to Poe.“How many times have you beaten the odds?Out gunned and out manned with your Black Squadron- I’ve heard your stories.”

“I exaggerate,” Poe argued.

“You don’t.I know, because your Squadron sees it.You tap into something, and it’s closest for you in the middle of a fire-fight, when you are behind the controls of a ship.”She pushed further.“Those feelings, that happen in a split-second right before trouble hits, giving you the edge.”

“It’s luck.Just luck.” 

Leia threw her hands up.“It’s the Force, Poe.” 

She closed her eyes, thinking of Han.On Tatooine, he’d shot the Sarlacc’s tentacle from around Lando’s leg, hanging upside-down and still blind from carbonite sickness.The asteroid field, the Kessel Run.He had never admitted to it.Perhaps he hadn’t wanted it to be true.Leia could understand why, especially after their son, but even before- it was always “luck”. 

Finn’s eyes darted between the two.“Okay.Luck, the Force, whatever it is everyone feels comfortable with- you’re asking us to track down kids, or whoever, with this ability?” 

“I have someone already working on it, someone who has more access,” Leia replied.“I’ve been focusing on children, those whose parents may have died, or were unable to care for them.Taking children from their parents…” she trailed off, “- I don’t feel comfortable with it.”If only _she_ hadn’t sent her own son away, would things be different? 

“I get Finn,” Poe said, “but me?I don’t even believe in that stuff.”

Leia gave him a tired look.“Even though my brother may have disagreed with me, not every child will want to train, some may exhibit gifts in different ways, like you do.I don’t think everyone was meant to wield a lightsaber.”She sat again, across from them both.“The Jedi had a very strict protocol, tests, ways of training.At it’s core, it was still a religious order.I believe we need something different.”

Finn nodded in agreement, and glanced at Poe nervously.“The General won’t be here long enough to build it, Poe.We will.”

Poe stood up abruptly, heading to the door.“I don’t want to even think about that.”

“You can’t keep denying it, Commander.I need the two of you.”Poe paused with his back to her, hand braced on the threshold.“You will take over the Resistance, hopefully create a new type of Jedi Order, if you even want to use that word.I can’t live forever, no matter how much you want me to.” 

The silence stretched between the three of them, Poe’s back rigid.Leia felt the internal battle, as did Finn, and they let him work through it.

Finally, he turned.“What do you need me to do?”


	91. Chapter 91

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

I awoke gasping, the image of the red lightsaber in my hand, the arc of it’s journey downward toward the floor in front of me seared into my eyelids, the shocking lack of resistance as the blade cut through two bodies.Shivering, I looked around, confused. 

The _Steadfast_.Reaching out, I found only an expanse of cool sheets.Either Kylo hadn’t slept at all, or he had woken before me.The connection was gone, and I felt a crushing sense of loneliness.I was still in the dark blue gown Anya had given me on Coruscant. 

A soft whoosh caught my attention, and I turned to see Kylo walk out of his workroom.“It’s still early,” he said softly.Something was different in the way he looked at me. 

“How long have I been asleep?”I glanced out the window, could see we were still orbiting Coruscant.The dark side of the planet loomed in the windows of our cabin, the lights clearly defining the cityscape in a series of geometric patterns. 

“About six hours,” he replied, sitting on the bed next to me, his eyes glimmering in the dim lights of the room.The events of the day were tumbling back at me, a whirlwind of emotions along with them.We hadn’t had a chance to talk, I’d been so depleted after healing him.But now that I was awake there was another issue, and I needed an answer immediately. 

“I need to know-“ I swallowed nervously, “- if they knew I was going to be there.” 

Kylo needed no clarification of who “they” were, and he didn’t react.I picked at the blanket, tense, wanting to ask but fearful of the response.Strangely, I didn’t want to lie, or hide anything from him.Not anymore.

“Then I think you should go ask them,” he said mildly.My eyes shot to his, surprised and relieved.He took my hand.“Do you want me to leave?” 

Was this a trap of some kind?If I said yes, would he be angry?I shivered, unsure of what to do, a ship floating in the vast expanse of space with no navcomputer.Everything was different.I was different.Those few moments, just after he’d woken, we’d all but said the words avoided for so long.I’d told him my fears. 

I was still afraid now.

“No.I don’t want you to leave.”Squeezing his hand, I let go to adjust on the bed, resting my back against the headboard and closing my eyes.He wouldn’t be able to see anything, the place I retreated into shielded, even from him. 

Focus was harder to come by with him so close, his signature strong in the Force, distracting me- the crackle of his power seductive.Pausing, I allowed myself to enjoy it.To anyone else, it would not have been comforting, his energy jagged, chaotic- but it was familiar to me now.Finally, I ripped my attention away from him and attended to the task at hand. 

Opening my eyes, I was on the black sand beach, the particles so fine they were silk under my feet.The crash of the water on the shore was rhythmic, making it’s own melody.Some of the tension left my body as I watched the pre-dawn light paint the landscape in muted hues.Finally, I started forward, feeling the back of my dress dragging behind me.There was only one person I wanted to see.

Feet light on the metal floors, I entered the Falcon and slipped into Poe’s room.Upon seeing him, I hesitated.It was a strange experience; knowing Kylo was right next to me back on the _Steadfast,_ yet still feeling my heart catch at the sight of another man.Poe was tangled in a sheet, sprawled on the bed, his chest bare, soft pants pulled low on his hips.The exposed skin glowed with warmth, and his hair was tousled from sleep, the curls falling onto his forehead.I fought my reaction to him, reminding myself of the reason I was there. 

“Poe,” I called out, more gently than intended.It was difficult to ignore my feelings for him.

Startling, he sat up, grabbing for the blaster next to his bed.I smoothly slunk to the side, out of the potential path of a hit.“It’s me.I came to ask you a question.”

“Sure,” he responded automatically, still struggling to shake off the grogginess of slumber.He dropped the blaster back down on the table. 

“Did you know I would be there?”My voice shook.Now I finally felt the agitation build, as his eyes lighted on me, awareness in their depths.

“Know that you were where?”He was getting up, moving toward me, but I took a step away and he paused, hurt and confusion clear on his features.

“That I would be at the summit.The one you bombed.”Accusation was thick in my words- just because Yasmine hadn’t thought I was supposed to be there didn’t mean anything. They may not have told her. 

“ _What?!_ ”The reaction was completely genuine.It should have made me feel better, but anger was a poison in my veins. 

“You almost _killed_ me,” I spat.“If I hadn’t figured it out, barely in time, and thrown us out of the way-“

“ _US_?!You _saved_ him?”Poe asked incredulously. 

“I made a choice. You forced my hand.Did you expect me to only save myself?Is that who you think I am?”My cheeks were hot, and I was shaking. 

The door to his quarters slid open, revealing Finn.“What is going on in- oh.”He took it all in, Poe’s agitation, my balled fists, the expanse of space between us. 

“Finn, she was _there_.At the summit.Tell her I didn’t vote for th-“Poe’s words were coming so fast they tripped over each other. 

“You voted!”Shouting, I didn’t care who heard me.Let them all listen in.“The General let it go to a vote!?And allowed it to pass?A vote to assassinate her own _SON_?!”The room was closing in on me, my breath was sawing in and out of my lungs.These people were not who I thought they were.They were not my friends.Good people didn’t do things like that.

**_Good people don’t murder in cold blood, either._ **

My vision was tunneling.A sound, like the crackling of a fire was in my ears.The light in the room was purple. 

“Back away, Commander.NOW.”The General’s voice, piercing through my confusion, telling Poe to get away from me.Why was I the enemy?What had I done?Where had she come from?

**_You killed Yasmine and Tijn.You are their enemy._ **

“Commander Dameron, that is an _order_.”An edge of panic laced her tone.But Poe wasn’t listening, he was still right in front of me.He was afraid. 

“Baby,” his voice was so gentle, “listen to me.Calm down.I didn’t know you were there, I swear it.I would have flown there myself and stopped it if I’d known. _Please_.”

I dropped my head, trying to avoid his gaze- only to find my hands crackling with electricity.Gasping, I moved myself away from him, terrified.Angry words were one thing, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone, not like this.

“Breathe.”The General spoke from the doorway.She had pressed past Finn and was standing calmly, the only one nonplussed by the scene.“You need to breathe.Let the anger go.” 

“I can’t,” I said, hyperventilating.This wasn’t where I needed to be.

Breaking away, I slammed back into my body on the _Steadfast_ , a burning smell thick in my nostrils.A sob burst from me as I opened my eyes, trepidation at what I would see consuming me with fright. 

But I didn’t need to be worried.Kylo had my hands in his, the blanket singed beneath our joined grasp.He wasn’t horrified or afraid of me, and I threw myself into his arms. 

“I’ve got you,” he whispered in to my hair.“You didn’t hurt me.”

I clung to the only solid thing left in my universe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That is it for this update, I hope that you all enjoyed it!! 
> 
> I appreciated so much all of the wonderful comments that you all left me last time! They really helped and you guys are so supportive and amazing. 
> 
> Also, I made myself a reminder to post another update on the 3rd of November, which is two weeks out. It keeps me accountable and also the timing may be helpful for those of us in the States- distractions will be welcome on that day for sure! 
> 
> As usual, comments/kudos are welcome, and I will be back in two weeks with another update. :)


	92. Chapter 92

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, a large update for election night!! 
> 
> So, this is a crazy huge update- please forgive typos/editing errors. Most of the chapters I have had a chance to go over multiple times, but a few are a little rougher. Hopefully it won't be too distracting!
> 
> To everyone, hang in there this week, and be safe!

Ren strode toward the Knight’s quarters. 

He was late.Not an occurrence that happened often. 

Half of his attention was still back in his quarters.It had taken hours to get her to calm down, vicious cycles of sadness, fear and anger spiraling inside her.Ren had never seen her so out of control, and nothing he tried had pacified her.Most of her rage had been centered on his mother, how she’d allowed the decision to go to a vote, the impossibility that the General would want to hurt him. 

Once or twice the Force lightening had sparked again in her hands and her shame almost drowned them both, the moment she’d killed the two Resistance fighters playing in her mind over and over again. 

Finally he’d given in and called a med droid with a sedative when she’d called herself a monster.It couldn’t be allowed- she was the opposite of a monster.Nothing like him.Doubts crept into his mind.He could see her changing, feel the growing shadow within her- it seemed to bring her nothing but shame and distress now, not like the altercation with Kuruk when she’d almost seemed joyful.

Come to think of it, she hadn’t seemed very happy at all lately.Confident, yes.More powerful, no doubt.But not happy. 

_We’ll destroy one another._

_I hated who I was today.I hated it._

No matter.There was no other way.She was simply adjusting. 

His meeting with the Knights was more eventful than usual.Ushar reveled in re-telling the story of Kuruk “being strangled by a girl” with intense detail.Oddly, Kuruk was almost amused by it, some of his initial hatred towards her dimming.Vicrul seemed pleased with how the search had gone, only briefly whining that she’d been bored for most of it, due to a “ridiculous attention to detail.”Ren had been quick to point out it had been warranted when it was revealed the Resistance members had been hiding inside a couch.

He couldn’t help but admire the creativity.Had anyone else been searching, they would have escaped.

Trudgen had an extensive report on the remnants of bomb he had studied.Nothing specific enough to lead them to a sector to search for rebel cells, but thorough work nonetheless.Ap’luk had little to add, only commenting she was impressed he had walked away with such minor injuries due to the size of the blast. 

Ren was curious about that as well. 

Cardo was silent for the entire meeting.Clearly, there were many things he had to say on yesterdays events, but not in front of the others.Ren dismissed the rest of the Knights and motioned for Cardo to follow him out. 

“Did you have anything you wanted to add?”Ren asked as they walked down the hall.

“Aye, a fair few.”Their strides were matched, cloaks flying out behind them.“In private.”

Ren deviated from his course, taking them to the training room rather than back to his quarters where she was no doubt still under the influence of a heavy sedative. 

They both slipped their masks off as the doors closed behind them.The vast space echoed around them. 

“Speak.”Ren was already impatient to return to her. 

“She tol’ me abou’ her healing abilities,” Cardo began.“But, wha’ I dinna know is how she managed to ge’ both of you outta the path of the bomb.”

Ren hesitated.Cardo was one of the only people he’d grown to trust, but it remained fragile.“She has- visions.Of the past.Sometimes the future.”

Cardo nodded, seeming to take the revelation in stride. 

“Is that all?”Ren asked.

“No.”Cardo shifted uncomfortably.“She, ah, became a bit ‘o a wee beastie, when you were injured.Somethin’ was no’ right about her.”A frown creased his brow.“Her power- it felt like you.An’ her _eyes_ -“ a shudder ran down the large man’s spine, “- I’d only eve’r seen yours do that.”

“Do what?”A vice seemed to be gripped around his chest, and Ren struggled to breathe.

“They shone.Jus’ for a moment, mind ye.Golden.Red.It was enough to scare the wits outta me.”Cardo’s eyes met his.“She woulda killed us all, Ren, if she though’ we were to harm ye.And I’ve no doubt she’d of won.”His head shook.“It’s no’ like her.It’s against her nature.”His hand came to rest on Ren’s shoulder.“I implore you, laddie, change course.”

 _Leave here with me.Come home._ Han Solo’s voice. 

_Will you help me?_

_Yes.Anything._

The sound of his blade igniting, punching a hole through his father.The body falling into the chasm. 

Ren ripped his shoulder from under Cardo’s firm grip.He _would not_ change course.Not then, and not now.“I see things differently.An Apprentice loyal to her Master.Willing to do anything.She grows more powerful every day.” 

Cardo’s eyes were sad.Just like his father’s had been.“One day, laddie, she’ll hate you fer it.” 

Ren’s stare was hard.“Perhaps.”She would never hate him.Cardo had no idea what he was talking about.He would forgive the old man his concerns, though.His most loyal Knight.Ren knew it had been Cardo who helped her, he who continued to address her now as ‘Mistress Ren’, gave her the respect that she deserved.Ren could feel Cardo cared about her, too, because he cared about what his Master valued. 

“Is the wee lass alright?”Cardo asked. 

Ren nodded curtly.“She’s resting.I need to get back.” 

“Of course.”Cardo inclined his head down, a gesture of fealty, his fist rising over his heart. 

He fled the training room, eager to get away from Cardo’s warnings, to forget the anxiety that tightened his shoulders at the thought of her beautiful eyes going gold and red with anger. 

_It’s against her nature._

_One day, laddie, she’ll hate you fer it._

The words rang in his ears, worming their way into that small patch of doubt sitting in his chest. 


	93. Chapter 93

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV

Poe scrubbed at his face, fighting with the fatigue that had settled behind his eyes.It was never far off- every night he tossed and turned, sleep eluding him.The only thing behind his eyelids was the image of her standing in his room, anger and betrayal etched into her face- and then the crackling power, her rising panic.He hadn’t needed to be a Jedi to know the scales had tipped for her, and he’d been helpless to stop it. 

Again- even now during his waking hours, the memory played again.

_Someone is in his room.Body tensed to fight, he grabs his blaster, swings it toward the voice, the almost indiscernable sounds of movement.He’s sitting upright, but he can’t make anything out in the darkness of his room._

_“It’s me.I came to ask you a question.”Her voice.He drops the blaster, tries to shake the fog of sleep away._

_She can ask him anything.“Sure,” he mumbles, his eyes finally adjusting, drinking her in.She’s in a dark gown, the dim light hitting her face, dancing along her curves._

_“Did you know I would be there?”She is upset._

_“Know that you were where?”He moves toward her.He wants to pull her into the bed with him, breathe her in.He misses her.But she’s moving away from him.Why?_

_“That I would be at the summit.The one you bombed.”_

_Suddenly, he is awake.Painfully awake.The blood is roaring in his ears, he isn’t even sure what he’s just said in response.This isn’t possible- she wasn’t supposed to be there.Her tone is accusatory, she won’t let him approach her.Something she says cuts through his shock, and he responds, “US?! You saved him?”_

_Stupid.He can feel the anger in the room, taste it’s metallic tang rising.Then Finn is there, and he is stumbling, inarticulate, trying to make her understand, desperate for her to let him touch her, apologize.She should know he would never hurt her.But she is full of rage._

_Her hands are on fire.No, it’s not fire.Electricity.That metal in the air.His arm hair is standing on end, the static charge dancing across his skin._

_“Back away, Commander- now.”The General.There is not a chance he’s backing off now.He steps forward, feels the power rippling from her.“Commander Dameron, that is an ORDER.”_

_This is wrong, and he is afraid for her.Afraid of what Ren has done to her.His mind scrambles- he has to say the right thing.“Baby,” he soothes, “listen to me.Calm down.I didn’t know you were there, I swear it.I would have flown there myself and stopped it if I’d known.Please.”_

_His words don’t work, and she drops her head, startled to see her own hands, panic in her eyes as she backs away from him like a scared animal.He again moves to her.He doesn’t care if it hurts him, he’ll take her into his arms anyway.But she continues to evade him, her chest rising and falling rapidly, frightened.The General is trying to calm her._

_He darts toward her, and only air greets him._

_She’s gone._

He’d lost her.Weeks passed, and the longer he went without seeing her, the more he feared she would never return.Resentment at Rose, Connix, Maz, and everyone else who had voted for that insane plan built inside him.If they’d only _listened_.The Resistance had all but shoved her into the arms of the enemy, and Poe was burning with frustration, for personal reasons and more. 

The General continued to train Finn, but Poe had refused to join any longer.He helped his friend rescue the children the General had spoken of, but he didn’t want anything to do with the Force, even if it had saved his life.It took her away from him, lured Ren to her.Maz tried to convince him hope wasn’t lost, neither she nor Leia had felt a true fall, but he’d seen enough that night to know it wasn’t far off.They had alienated her.

A small girl bounced up to him, breaking him from his depressing thoughts.“Poe,” she asked slyly, gazing up at him with vibrant green eyes, “you said you would take us flying soon.”She thrust her thin arms out to her sides, zooming around him like a fighter.“Can we go _now_?”

He tried for a smile, although even he knew he was falling short.“Not today, squirt.Finn and I are leaving to bring you more friends.”Fear clenched in his gut.He hated the idea of bringing more children to the base.It wasn’t safe. 

Lilah’s pigtails were askew, her cheeks flushed as she ran circles around him.Her tiny face squished at him in disappointment, shoulders slumping dramatically.“But you promised!” 

“Commander.”The General called. 

Poe froze, turning carefully to meet her gaze.Their relationship had suffered greatly since that night.It had been rare for her to take things personally, but his rejection of her training had broken something fundamental between them.“Yes, General?”He was never anything but unfailingly polite to her now. 

“You’re on your way soon?”She knew they were.He’d noticed how she was finding excuses to talk to him.It felt strained.Poe didn’t know how to fix it.

“Master Leia!”His tiny tormentor pretended to fly over to the General, engine noises emanating from her mouth.“Tell Poe to take us flying!”Gently, Lilah’s arms wrapped around the General’s legs.“He promised.” 

Leia peered down, eyebrows arching.“Did he promised it would be _today_?” 

“Well, no, but-“Poe could practically see the gears turning in her head, trying to figure out how to manipulate the situation to her advantage.Lilah was clever. 

“Then, he has not broken his promise,” Leia responded kindly, “and he has a mission to fly, which I ordered, so really you can blame me for the delay.”

“Oh, no, Master Leia, I don’t want to blame _you_.”A smile beamed upward.Hero worship.All the children thought the General was the wisest, kindest, best person in the universe.Poe couldn’t find fault with their logic, despite the tension between them now. 

“Well, then, let’s wish the Commander good luck on his mission, and perhaps when he gets back he can take you all flying, with some new friends.”Gently extracting herself, Leia shooed her away. 

“Good luck!”Lilah’s high voice chirped. 

Poe started to walk away, eager to avoid the pressure of conversation, but the General wasn’t going to let him. 

“Poe.”His name was an entreaty.“I fear we may have been blown off course by the events of the last several weeks.” 

That was one way to put it.Poe turned his head, could just catch a glimpse of her from the very corner of his eye.But something else flickered into focus.

The General whirled around at the same time Poe did.

“You’re back,” he said, relief and terror mixing in him.

“Who are you?”Everyone jerked with surprise at the tiny voice.Poe had sworn Lilah had skipped away just a few moments ago, but she was apparently too curious to go far.

He watched Leia grab for the girl, but she wasn’t fast enough.Lilah circled around the new visitor, eyes squinting suspiciously.“You aren’t really here, are you?You’re somewhere else.”A startled laugh came from the mouth he’d been longing to kiss for weeks, and she knelt to Lilah’s level, just as charmed as everyone else was by the girl.

“No.I’m not really here.You’re very clever.”Something in that voice was different, a little deeper, slightly more coaxing.Poe’s gut clenched.He didn’t like the change.Her hair was free, floating around a face that seemed sharper than before.She introduced herself to Lilah, held a hand out.Leia started forward, her movements swifter than they should have been.

“Lilah, it’s time to go.”The General snapped. 

“But we were just beginning to get to know one another,” she answered for the girl, hand still clasping Lilah’s.“I didn’t know there were children on the base now.”

“Finn and Poe brought me, and I have other friends.They’re going to get more today.We get to train with Master Leia.”Lilah’s eyes shone with excitement. 

“Well, then you’re very lucky.It can be lonely without friends.”Poe felt the statement like a gut punch.Was that how she felt after the bombing?Lonely?Did she think she had no friends here?“Did your family come with you?”

Lilah’s face fell.“I don’t have parents.” 

“I don’t either.They died when I was young.”The cadence of her voice was changing back to one that was familiar to him, her compassion genuine. 

The tiny face brightened at her.“Then you should come here!None of us have family.You could teach us, too!And play with us!” 

She brushed the loose pieces of Lilah’s hair behind her ear.“I would like that, very much.Maybe if my mission is successful, I can come back.”She gave a wistful smile.“Now, I think the General and Commander Dameron need to talk to me.Perhaps your friends would be interested in hearing about how you met a strange new visitor?” 

“Ohh!Yes!”Lilah broke away immediately, excitement in every line of her body.As she ran away, she called back, “Come visit again soon!” 

Poe walked to her, holding out his hand.She took it, rising from her kneeled position on the ground.“She’s trouble, then?”A knowing smile crossed her face.

“You have no idea.”He felt an answering grin.

The General’s voice snapped out from behind them.“Are you planning on telling my son about her?And her friends?” 

She scowled, not looking at the General.“And why would I do such a thing?”An edge of ice.

“You are much changed.”Leia’s eyes were wary.

“Almost getting killed by the people you thought cared for you does that to a person,” she bit back with sarcasm. 

“A shadow is growing within you.”Leia countered. 

“Yes.”No denial, not even an attempt at excuse.Her eyes met Poe’s, and she stepped closer to him, setting her other hand on his chest.“I’m sorry if I frightened you.Before.”Head lowering, she moved to take his hand in both of hers, her fingers gently tracing the bones, flipping it over to press his callouses.“I came to say you need to move on.”Eyes closed, he saw the tension line her shoulders, as if she were bracing for a blow. 

Poe clasped her restless hands in both of his, leaning to rest his forehead on the top of her bent head.His heart hurt.Poe distantly realized he hadn’t felt this type of ache for some time.He kissed her hair.“I promise you can always come back.To me.No matter what.” 

“No- don’t make a promise you can’t-“She underestimated him.Poe knew how she felt about promises. 

“- I mean it,” he said.He might wait forever. 

“Where is your allegiance?”The General’s question sliced through the tender moment, and Poe felt his anger toward her growing. 

“My allegiance is to myself, General.As it should have been before.” 

Poe brought his arm around her, tucking her into him protectively.

“She doesn’t need your protection, Commander.It’s a trick-this feigned vulnerability.”Poe hated the contempt that ran through Leia’s voice. 

“Of course you would think that.You live in a world of absolutes.Dark versus Light, the Resistance versus the First Order, Jedi versus Sith.”She moved away from Poe as she spoke to the General.“I’m sure you cannot imagine that your son has the ability to feel empathy, or love, or that he could be vulnerable, because he’s a fallen Jedi.Evil.Someone to be destroyed rather than redeemed.” 

“Don’t you dare.You know how many we lost in my quest as a mother to save him.He doesn’t want to be saved.”

“There it is again!Saved versus condemned.You don’t allow anyone to be more complicated.”She stalked in a circle around Leia.“But I understand you want to protect your own, and you no longer consider me one of them.”Poe winced.Even if Leia didn’t hear the hurt, he did.“So, no, General.I have not and will not tell him anything about the Resistance.I will not tell him about Lilah, or the other Force sensitive children you’ve brought here to train.Although, stars save them, they’d better agree with you, or you’ll cast them out, too.” 

The General appeared frail all of a sudden, her skin growing paler.“I didn’t know- you know I didn’t, about Snoke-“

“No, because you were too busy ‘saving’ everyone else to bother paying attention to your own child!”The air around them seemed to echo with her words.

“You love him.”Poe felt the air leave his lungs at Leia’s quiet reply. 

“I will not speak to you any longer about my relationship with Kylo.You lost that right a long time ago.”She had turned away from both of them. 

“Kylo?”Leia questioned, unable to help herself. 

She sighed, face tilting to the sky.“Everyone was always wanting him to go back to someone he used to be.Even if he were to decide to take his old name, he would not be the same.”Her eyes closed as she continued.“I’ve chosen to respect who he is now.”

“Does he know you’re here?”Poe said.The way she spoke about Ren- was it respect or was it fear?

“Yes.However, I’m sure it will please the General to no end to know that the only secrets I keep from him now are for your benefit, and for the benefit of everyone here.”Her arm waved in an arc, indicating the base on the horizon. 

“I thought your allegiance was to yourself.”Leia said.

“It is.For I would not be able to forgive myself if I were the reason something happened here, to all of you.However angry I may be.”Hands fisted at her sides. 

Poe approached, needing to touch her.Not wanting to startle, he cupped his hands on her shoulders, sliding them around to press her back into his chest.He buried his face in her hair. 

They stood like that, all three of them, for some time.Poe’s body wrapped around hers, their backs to the General who for once seemed at a loss for words. 

Finally, she spun in his arms, hands settling at his collarbone.“If I hear anything, suspect something - I’ll come to warn you.” 

“I want to see you.Even if it’s - not what it was.”He couldn’t help how his hands contracted into the fabric of her tunic possessively. 

“I wish things could be different.”Her fingers had slid to the back of his neck, her eyes on his, soft and vulnerable.“But it’s too late now.I can never come back.” 

Then she dissolved, as if the weight of her had only been mist.

“Commander- “ Leia’s voice from behind him.

“We have nothing left to say to one another, General.I have a mission to run.”Poe strode away.

Things were never going to be the same. 


	94. Chapter 94

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux POV

Hux paced in his quarters, agitation high.The bombing had been a disaster.He hadn’t expected the little witch to be with Ren, and somehow, _somehow_ she’d managed to save him.At first he suspected the Resistance had warned her, but there had been no opportunity.Whether through blind luck, or some power of that obsolete religion she and Ren subscribed, it didn’t matter.It was an utter failure. 

The only positive thing was the culprits had been captured, and gave nothing away in regard to him.Hux had been careful to keep his identity a secret, but the longer the game continued the more paranoid he grew. 

Now, the worst was happening.The Council had pushed for a lavish coronation ceremony, the only saving grace being that it would occur some time from now, due to security issues and other concerns.The Resistance was useless to him, having stuck their heads back into the sand; Pryde’s level of commitment to rooting them out nothing short of obsessive.It would be some time before he could count on their help.Not to mention the entire First Order was now on high alert for any suspicious activity that may indicate a double agent. 

A new plan began to form in his mind.Ren’s pet would want to protect her Resistance friends.It could be no secret to her Ren’s hatred of the Resistance and the steps that Pryde was now taking to root them out.

Perhaps, if he promised her he would no longer pursue the fractured Resistance, that he would be a more tolerant Supreme Leader, she would assist him.Help him to overthrow Ren.Of course, Hux would have no intention of keeping those promises, but she wouldn’t know that.If needed, he could even say Ren would be exiled, with her, in case the twisted relationship between the two was genuine. 

The Knights had helped her on Coruscant.Other than that, there was no reason to believe she had much power.Surely not even close to that of Ren or she would have fled weeks ago.A simple mind trick she’d used on some troopers, probably some skill with the lightsaber.

Nothing that couldn’t be handled, or later overpowered by sheer numbers of troops.By then they would all be under his command.

Yes, this was it.This was the way.He would twist her into his own service, away from Ren, using her friends as leverage. 

Kylo Ren would lose everything. 


	95. Chapter 95

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Ren had thought things were going well, that his previous doubts were only blips.Her training continued, skills increasing at a rapid pace.He’d even felt comfortable enough to allow her to freely roam the _Steadfast_ again.

But then last night happened. 

Ren had found her pale and shaking, vomiting into the toilet.Tears had streamed down her face.

_“I can’t do this anymore.Stay in this darkness with you.”_

He’d panicked.She would leave him, too.Like everyone else.He had hissed at her, told her she’d promised.Promises were important to her.Her eyes had been anguished on his, skin clammy and cold when she responded.

_“Yes.Yes, I did promise.”_

There were so many ways he could have reacted, but he’d answered with cruelty, told her she was weak.She’d pleaded with him, even called him Ben.It had set him off even more, and he’d told her Ben wasn’t there.Small, icy hands had gripped his forearms, and he’d watched her struggle, swallow the nausea down, calm the emotions inside her. 

He should have taken care of her, but he’d felt numb.Her spine had straightened and clear eyes had looked at him.

_“I’m sorry, Master.It won’t happen again.”_

The words had been hollow.She’d grabbed at the sink, the doorway, the wall, as if she needed those things to keep her upright.He’d returned to his workroom.

This morning, she’d pretended the entire thing had been a fever dream, and when he’d reached for her and tried to apologize, she pulled away.Told him he must have imagined it all. 

How was it possible to feel as if he were losing her, even as she continued to come closer to the Dark? 

There were so many things for Ren to attend to, and the list of his responsibilities seemed to only grow with each passing week.Cardo was training her today.The other Knights seemed to think it an odd preference.

Although, after walking into the training room, he _was_ questioning why he let Cardo train her.She hung from the highest scaffolding above the large room, and Ren had to stop himself from moving to catch her when she backflipped off of it and onto the floor. 

“Aye, tha’ was better, lassie,”Cardo called from the corner of the room, where he was taking great care to polish and tend to the Knight’s weapons. 

Not noticing him yet, she smiled brilliantly at Cardo.“You know, Master Luke used to bounce around like this all the time, and I never did understand the appeal.Ren never adopted that style, so I never tried.” 

When was the last time she’d smiled at _him_ like that?Jealousy ate at him, along with the way she casually continued to call Luke ‘Master’.And she referred to him as Ren?When had that started? 

“Well, ye are a wee thing.Our Master dinna exactly need ta, er, _bounce_.”Cardo had noticed him, and winced slightly.

Ren frowned.“Are we practicing for the circus or training?” 

“Both!”Her reply was cheeky.“If my career as a heartless killer doesn’t pan out, instant back up plan.”She moved to a stack of randomly piled training obstacles, and vaulted over the shortest one.Pausing and eyeing him, she pivoted to face Cardo.“Think I could clear him?”

Cardo looked at the stack of objects and back over to Ren.“No’ yet.”

Her face fell momentarily.“Are the blasters ready?”

“Blasters?”Ren asked.

“Cardo thought it may be useful to train me on ranged weapons, and add a blaster to my belt,” she answered for his Knight, eagerly peering at the side of the worktable that held them. 

Cardo hadn’t asked _him_ about it.Then again, Ren had been so busy that Cardo was doing most of the training.Irritation pinched at the top of his spine, and he lashed out.“You don’t even know how to use a blaster?Pathetic.”

His insult pinged right off of her.“Oh, I know how to use one.I’m just a terrible shot- basically a Stomtrooper.Turns out medics don’t have much use for weapons.Too busy patching everyone else up.” 

“It makes you reliant on others.”The ultimate sin.She needed to be independent, had to learn to fend for herself. 

“Yes,” she replied, “but when you’re the only one who can fix them, it motivates people to protect you.”Poking at Cardo’s arm cannon, she held her own up to it.“Perhaps one of these?” Cardo chuckled and glanced affectionately at her. 

They had become comfortable with one another.It should have pleased him. 

It didn’t.

“I dinna think so.That’d tip ye over.”Cardo’s tone was indulgent.

“Leave us,” Ren snapped out.Cardo looked up, shocked at the sharp tone, but immediately set down the weapon he’d been working on, heading past him to the door.

“Bad day?”She asked casually as the doors closed. 

“No.Disappointed to see how your training has been going in my absence.Parlor tricks and blasters,” he scoffed. 

“He’s doing his best.Cardo isn’t a strong Force user.You knew that when you chose him.I run my forms, we spar, he teaches me what he knows.He’s useful in helping me avoid other forms of attack, and deflecting blaster bolts.He’s fast and has a wicked aim.”

“I don’t need a lecture from you on the abilities of my Knight.”His skin was crawling. 

“Apparently you needed the reminder,” she countered.

“Form III.”Ren said, pacing restlessly. 

“Soresu.A defensive technique.Useful against blasters.The focus is to outlast your opponent, draw out the fight.Survival rather than victory.”Her eyes slid to meet his.“Not a very Dark side technique.”

Ren shook his head.“Not on the surface.But you lack the physical strength for some of the other, more complex forms.This approach values quickness, cunning, and patience.”

“As I recall, this was _your_ worst form,” she had drawn closer.“Patience not being one of your virtues.”

Energy sizzled between them as they both ignited their lightsabers.They circled one another, steps languid and evenly matched. 

“You seem to be getting along with my Knights,” he mused aloud.

She shrugged dismissively.“We came to an understanding.” 

Ren pulled one of the blasters from the table to him, the gun sailing in a smooth arc into his waiting hand.He eyed the setting, flicking his eyes to her in a challenge.“Just how well has Cardo taught you to deflect ranged attack?”

Without warning, he shot at her, surprised when she neatly deflected it with economy of movement, casually, as if she were swatting an errant fly.Ren lunged at her, striking downward, but she anticipated his attack and avoided with ease, twirling to the side and preparing for his next advance. 

She wove an intricate pattern of blocks and parries, subtly interfering with Ren’s continued onslaught, her dodges and shifts in stance never quite allowing him to bring the full pressure of his strength behind his strikes.Allowing him to continue to drive her backward, she lead their duel into the pattern that benefitted her most. 

When had she mastered Soresu?There was a slight flush to her cheeks, but Ren could tell he was working harder.She was utilizing the form for what it was meant- to wear him down until she found an error. 

Nevermind that it would never work on _him_.Snoke had pushed him to his limits and beyond, and it would take a long while before he tired enough to waver in his attack.Suddenly, she dropped to the ground, blade swinging upward to take his hit while her foot swept out.Ren stumbled, caught off guard.This time, unlike weeks before, she didn’t try to overpower him from above, but simply danced away, taking the break it gave her. 

Irritation flooded him, and he came at her with renewed vigor.Ren didn’t like the calm radiating from her.Technically, the form called for a drop into a moving meditation, but he wanted it to come from a place of emotion.She still refused to fully embrace the Dark.It was even more frustrating how much better she was becoming without fully drawing on the shadow inside her.

He pressed her harder, forcing her into even quicker blocks.A few times she flipped up and away from him, finding higher ground, but he drove her off of it, at one point pulling the cube she was on out from under her. 

“Pull from your emotions,” he heard himself say, his tone impatient.The delicate hairs around her face were sticking to her skin, and he could see her breathing growing more erratic.She’d lost her center. 

Her head shook, and she continued to doggedly block his hits despite her exhaustion. 

“DO IT,” he roared, a particularly punishing blow sending her reeling backwards.Ren hit out at her again before she could quite recover, and she stumbled again.“NOW.”There had to be a way to press her into it, so he could see what the Knights had seen.In the aftermath of the bombing, something had changed.

They found themselves in a familiar posture.Again she had fatigued quicker than him, and she was on the ground, her blade up, the blue and red crackling against one another as he pressed down, slowing breaking her guard.The glow of their weapons inched closer to her body as her arms shook, his strength and skill far superior.If she would only reach for the anger, he knew she could break free, even from this compromised position. 

He let the crossguard of his lightsaber creep closer to her arm, the skin growing pink from the crackling heat.“Are you just going to lie here and let me hurt you?”He crooned.“Or are you going to do something about it?”The last part of the sentence was a snarl.Before he could jerk away, she disarmed, allowing his blade to sear into her skin.Ren broke away, horrified and furious.“ _Why would you do that_?”

She hadn’t even screamed in pain.He knew how much it hurt, his long scar smarting with remembered agony. 

“To prove to you that you will not force me into striking out in anger again,” she said, her voice low and clipped.“You can hurt and threaten all you want.” 

“You told me, you _asked_ to be shown-“Frustration burned in his words. 

“- and I’ve changed my mind.”Her reply hung in the air between them.“I’ve had a taste.It’s nothing I want.”Tears filled her eyes.“Why do you want to do this to me?”The question was anguished. 

**_Coax.Soothe.Change tactics.You’re losing her._ **

Ren felt his rage drain away, replaced by something cold and calculating.He dropped his weapon, moving back toward her slowly, palms up.“I want us to be together.”A few tears dripped down her cheeks, but she remained still, allowing him to come to her.“This is the only way.”Kneeling next to her, he smoothed a hand down her face, wiping away the salty tracks.“I want to give you power.”

She let him help her to standing, and he lead her to the far wall where he opened a small first aid kit, taking out a bacta gel to smooth over the burn on her arm left by his weapon. 

“You know,” he started,”anger isn’t the only emotion.Perhaps that was my error.”Her eyes were wary on him, but Ren sensed her curiosity.“What did you feel, after the bombing?”

A delicate frown marred her features as she thought back.“I was afraid, and angry.”She worried at her lip with her teeth.“But- also protective.Possessive.”Ren noted the small squirm of discomfort at the last admission.

“Possession.Certainly a strong motivator,” he said, leaning down to kiss her.“What about- passion?”Ren nipped at her lower lip.“Desire?”He slipped his hand underneath her tunic, brushing the edge of her bra with his thumb.“Lust?”He yanked the fabric down, exposing her breast to his teasing fingers. 

Her hands came up to cling on his arms.“Well,” she huffed out a breath, swaying into him, “I can hardly hope to be attracted to all my opponents.” 

“I would certainly hope not.”He kissed her again, deeper, his tongue running along the seam of her lips.“But, I think you take my point.All emotions have power.”

“Yes,” she replied, edging closer to him. 

Ren pulled back, adjusting her tunic down as he freed his hand.“Shall we test the theory?”

Amused and slightly dazed eyes met his.“What?”

He spun her, resting her back against his broad chest.Ren pressed her into him until he was sure she could feel the hard length of his arousal.His hands dug into her hips, applying firm pressure, and he allowed himself to enjoy the softness of her flesh under his palms.Re-igniting the connection he’d made on Coruscant, he let her feel his own emotions.

Ren didn’t experience things by halves.They burned within him.Sometimes he thought the inferno would simply consume him, flames so hot there wouldn’t even be ashes left.He observed her reaction, her breath catching in her throat, the stiffening of her muscles as his desire roared into her. 

She ripped away from him, turning to grasp at his shoulders, desperate.“Let me give you what you need.”It was such a sweet plea, Ren almost forgot why he had started this.How easy it would be to slip into their usual dynamic. 

But that wasn’t the point of the exercise.

“Don’t ask, apprentice. _Take_ what you want.” 

She hesitated, thrown off.Ren knew why.This was odd for both of them.She was never the aggressor.For this to work, to teach her to use passion as her well of power, she would need to learn.He poured more of his emotion into the connection, flooding her. 

He called his weapon back to him, the lightsaber igniting the second it hit his palm.Startled, she stared.“What is it you want?”he asked again, goading her.

With a quickness that shocked him, she sprang at him, and he didn’t register how her lightsaber made it into her hand. 

She was a whirling dervish, her strikes like that of a poisonous snake, lighting fast and precise, almost managing to slice into his guard twice before he compensated for her speed.Her eyes were sharp and focused, intent on studying him for weaknesses.Ren knew she wouldn’t find any, but she remained relentless. 

After twenty minutes, she was growling in frustration and fatigue, yelling every time she struck at him, as if that would help put more strength into her blows.Suddenly, she gasped, her lightsaber dropping, and Ren startled, pulling back mid-strike. 

Only to hear her weapon re-ignite in her other hand, inside his guard, an inch away from his torso, a feral grin splitting her face. 

Irritation flashed through him.“That wasn’t-“

“-fair?” She laughed and holstered her lightsaber.“You didn’t make any mistakes, there was no error in your form to exploit.So, I used myself.”She shrugged.“I knew you would stop if you thought I was injured.” 

Her hand reached up to take his own weapon, settling it back on his hip.Ren allowed her to pull him to the floor, straddle him.His arms were guided above his head.

“Don’t move them,” she whispered, tapping his palms.Her hands fisted in his hair, yanking his head back to expose his throat.“I get to take what I want now.” 

Ren felt a sizzle of pleasure run down his spine at her words.

Teeth slid down the thick tendons of his throat.She was humming, those hands in his hair gripping roughly, mouth nibbling along his jawline, whispering a kiss softly over the ridge of his Adam’s apple.“I’ve always wanted to leave a mark here,” she said softly, pressing her lips on the side of his neck. 

Ren started to object, but she was already sucking the skin into her mouth, and he groaned.Her attention wandered downward, and he heard a small sniff of irritation when she hit the top of his tunic.Wiggling down his body, she forced it up his torso and over his head, leaving it tangled around his arms.The contrast of the cool air in the room on his overheated flesh was jarring. 

Lips feathered over his collarbone and stopped at the hollow.A sigh and a nuzzle.“I love how you smell,” she whispered.Fingers grazed over the sides of his ribs, back up over his stomach.Ren felt her thighs clench around his hips as she shifted, touch wandering. 

He tried not to move, to not give anything away, but her clever hands continued their perusal of his body, their path leaving goosebumps rising on his skin.Her hot tongue darted over one of his nipples and he swore, shocked by the sensitivity.A satisfied noise vibrated from her throat, and she repeated the caress. 

Her hips rolled against his as she explored his torso, layers of cloth separating them.She’d found the hard length of him, was sliding herself up and down, and Ren heard her breath become ragged, felt the pressure of her against him increase.With a complete lack of shyness uncharacteristic of her, she braced her hands on either side of him and rocked herself into an orgasm, breathy cries lost in the high ceiling.

Ren untangled his arms, his blood pounding in his ears.He needed to be inside her _now_.

“No,” she said breathlessly, pinning his hands back to the floor.The eyes gazing down on him were wild, flashing yellow-gold.Her mouth slammed down on his, and the kiss was a fury of teeth and tongues.“You’re _mine_ ,” she insisted between kisses, holding him with more strength than he thought possible.There was a whisper of worry in his mind, but it faded quickly.

She released him, moving to strip her pants off, and he again tried to move toward her.The flash of a lightsaber ignited at his throat, stopping him short.This was what he’d been waiting for - she’d slipped her leash, was letting herself work on instinct alone. 

“Are you going to behave?”Her head tilted questioningly to the side, her eyebrow quirked upward.She straddled him again, naked from the waist down, her weapon slowly inching toward him.The cyan blade reflected in her eyes. 

Ren’s cock throbbed, painfully hard.He found himself willingly acquiescing, even knowing he could overpower her.It was intoxicating how much she wanted him. 

The weapon hissed as she disarmed it, smiling.“Good.”Moving his arms again over his head, she kissed the tip of his nose.“Don’t move.”His eyes followed her movements as she slipped down his body, working at the clasp of his pants.“Hips up,” she instructed, her voice husky as she pushed the fabric down to his thighs.There was a pause, and then she came back into view, hovering over him, pulling her shirt over her head. 

Red flushed her cheeks and chest, her nipples hard in the cold air.She grasped his dick, guiding it into her, and he hissed at the initial hot slide of her around him.It was torture as she paused, easing upward and pushing down again, deliberately slow.Ren’s head spun, need clouding his thoughts, only able to focus on that point of contact.But then she spoke.

“I thought of this, all those years,” her voice was ragged as she slid down again incrementally, “when I was alone at night,” a moan escaped as her body trembled around his, “how you filled me, how overwhelming it felt.”They both moaned as he finally slid fully inside her, and a small cry of discomfort sounded from her as he moved, his length brushing her cervix.“I missed you.” 

He clenched his hands together to keep from reaching for her as she writhed above him, her eyes shut, experimenting with different movements and angles, fluttering gasps and cries coming from parted lips.Ren felt like his muscles were being stretched out on a device, the building tension in his body dialing up to a fever pitch with each new sound and wiggle from her body. 

She took his hands, drawing them up so she could use them for leverage, her hips now circling against him, seeking out her own pleasure, a slight frown marring her brow.

“Lean forward,” he said, pulling her gently to him.Angling toward him, she released his hands, settling hers beside his body on the floor.Ren put them on her hips, and her eyes flew open to meet his.Ren waited for her reaction, but she smiled and nodded, something more playful behind her gaze. 

She rocked against him again, and he rolled his hips upward, meeting her rhythm.A soft mewl rewarded him and Ren gripped her tighter, increasing the pace, encouraged by her vocalizations.He felt her body contract around him, his name tumbling from her lips as she orgasmed again and he rolled over onto her, desperate for his own release, driving into her still quaking body.She clung to him, a litany of “please” and “don’t stop” in his ear.Ren slipped his hand between them, finding her swollen, sensitized clit and rubbed.

“I can’t-,” she gasped.

Ren barely recognized himself as he nuzzled gently into her neck.“Come on, sweetheart,” he said into her ear, “one more.I love watching you.” 

With a moan, she nodded, her breathing unsteady as he drove her back to the edge.He felt the pleasure roll through her again, taking him with her, the release lighting up the nerve endings in his spine, sensations rushing into the rest of his body.He gathered her close as he released inside her. 

As he started to come back to himself a heavy, languid feeling settled in him, a pleasant haze of satisfaction.Her body was limp and trembling beneath him. 

“You don’t follow direction very well,” she scolded with a half hearted poke at his side. 

Ren laughed out loud, moving to gaze down at her.“Really?” 

A shocked expression met his, her eyes wide and - hopeful.Immediately, he started to pull away.The laughter didn’t mean anything.Ren didn’t want her thinking anything had changed.

“Wait-“ she grabbed for him, but he pulled away, standing to dress himself.Clothes were strewn all over the training room floor.Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her get up and begin collecting her own clothing, surreptitiously glancing over at him. 

Finding himself wanting to end things on a positive note, he waited until she had righted herself and drew her into an embrace, tilting her chin up.“I trust this was an effective lesson?”Ren asked, letting a hint of teasing break through his tone.

The edge of her mouth quirked up.“Yes, Master. _Very_ effective.”

“Perhaps I’ll incorporate this into future teaching.”Ren dragged his thumb across her swollen mouth.

“Whatever you think is best, of course,” she responded. 

Ren kissed her lightly.“I’ll see you tonight.”

Despite the rest of his day being full of military briefings and diplomatic endeavors, he felt a sense of calm.Last night had simply been a blip.There was nothing to worry about. 

Cardo had been wrong.She was fine.

 _They_ would be fine. 

This time, he almost believed it. 


	96. Chapter 96

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia POV

“Were we wrong?” Leia asked her twin, unsurprised to find him waiting for her in her quarters on the _Tantive IV_. 

“Probably,” he replied, “about a great many things, I imagine.”

She rolled her eyes.“I meant it in a more general sense.”Leia settled herself on the bed carefully, easing down to lie on her back.The aches in her body faded to a low hum. 

Luke’s hazy form sat on the floor, waiting for her to elaborate.

“The Jedi Order,” Leia said, turning her head to fully look at him, “it was rigid, from what I’ve learned.Hypocritical in many ways.Deeply flawed.Yet I know no other way to teach.”

“What brings these doubts to your mind?”Luke asked.

Leia huffed.“You know.”

“I do?”He smiled.“So I’m always floating around, listening in on you?I have nothing better to do with my time?”

She swatted at the air, batting away his teasing.“She spoke of absolutes, accused me of seeing the galaxy in black and white, said I’m unwilling or unable to allow anything to be more complicated.”

“Is it true?” 

“Perhaps.In my old age, maybe I’ve lost flexibility.”She sighed, shifting her tired body.“In more ways than one, I’m afraid.”Tears welled in her eyes.“I managed to alienate another son, so what do I know?”

“Commander Dameron?” 

Leia nodded, a tear falling down the side of her face onto the pillow beneath.“After the incident on the Falcon, the Force lightening, I was afraid for him.In that fear, I cast her as the villain.Tried to convince him she was becoming untrustworthy.But he had faith in her- he still has faith in her.”She recalled Poe’s passionate arguments, his staunch defense of her actions.“Now he considers the Force the enemy.I can’t blame him.It’s caused him nothing but pain.”

“It isn’t the Force that causes pain.”Luke countered gently.

“He doesn’t seem to understand the distinction.” 

An easy silence fell, and she closed her eyes, her thoughts turning to Ben.It had been so long since she’d seen her son’s face.What did he look like now?If he were ever to return, would she see Han in his face- would she see herself?He’d been barely a teenager when she’d sent him away. 

His thirty-second birthday was this year.It was unfathomable to think she hadn’t seen him in over a decade.The visits on Yavin 4 hardly counted-he’d been awkward and resentful.She should have known then something was wrong.Ben was a kind boy, and so much more sensitive then his father.A shell had been hardening around his heart, and she’d been too busy to notice. 

“You’re blaming yourself again,” Luke said quietly.

“There’s plenty of blame to pass around,” Leia replied. 

“Seems it’s high time I paid my nephew and his guest a visit,” Luke mused aloud.“Rattle their chains.The two of them have been left to their own devices for far too long now.” 

Leia glanced over, shocked.“I thought you couldn’t.” 

“I sense something is changing, although I can’t explain what.”Luke’s eyes took on a far-away quality.“It is hard to explain why or how I know things.I am both one with the Force and separate from it at the same time.The lack of physical form is - disconcerting.” 

“Perhaps you could find some time to help me teach all the eager young faces Finn and Poe are bringing,” Leia said.“That is, if it can be fit into your busy schedule.”She teased, but there was a secret hope he would agree.

Luke shook his head.“The time for me to take on new students has long passed.I’ve yet to deal with the two I have left.”He smiled.“I think they’ll keep me busy enough.” 

Leia sat up gingerly, reaching for her cane.“Leaving me to do the dirty work, as usual, while you run off an an adventure.”Her twin winked at her as he faded.“I suppose it’s time I go see if C-3PO has survived babysitting,” she said to herself.

Slowly making her way to the cave, she smiled and greeted the many familiar faces calling out to her.As usual, she marveled at their small encampment.They had become experts at making a home out of very little.Supply trunks were neatly stacked and labeled, organized to separate the “mess” from the “flight deck”.Small alcoves in the stone housed tents, cheerily lit with lanterns and salvaged lights from old ships.Several other areas had been set aside for recreation, and it appeared their more artistic crew members had struck again, bright splashes of paint indicating the start of some murals. 

The deck chief had done a wonderful job of setting an area for the children, which is where she found C-3PO, wailing loudly about “health and safety”.Leia chucked as she drew closer, finding the beleaguered droid floating several feet in the air. 

“I demand you put me down _at once_!This is disrespectful- Princess!I mean - General,-“C-3PO said, now upside-down. 

“- it’s all right,” Leia soothed.Turning her attention to the mischievous faces giggling on the floor, she smiled.“Please lower him gently.”

Slowly, the gold droid was set on the ground.“Well, I never!”He said, waving his arms.“General, I implore you, I am a protocol droid- I do not have the requisite training for childcare.This is simply not a service I am able to provide.” 

“Where’s R2?”Leia asked. 

“He _abandoned_ me!” he wailed. 

A series of indignant beeps sounded from behind her, and R2 rolled into view, pushing a box in front of him.Leia peered inside.A few small to medium balls, two make-shift toy fighters and some art supplies were neatly tucked in it’s depths.“I’d hardly say he abandoned you, it appears he’s been on a mission of his own.” She patted the small astromech’s head affectionately.“This was very thoughtful of you, R2.I’m sure the children will love these.”A pleased warble sounded as he rocked back and forth.

“Oh, well that just figures.I’m here suffering and he gets all the credit.” 

“Thank you, C-3PO,” Leia said.Her grandfather had certainly built a droid with the fussiest personality, though his loyalty and commitment to service was commendable.“I appreciate your willingness to help with the children, despite your lack of programming on the subject.” 

“I just hate the idea I’m not able to perform at peak levels, General.Now, if you’d like me to teach them proper protocol for -“

“- that won’t be necessary.”Leia replied, dismissing the droids.Turning to her small students, she settled on one of the beds.Without prompting, they all scurried over to form a semi-circle at her feet, eager faces turned upward. 

“Now,” she began, raising the balls and toy ships from the box to set in the middle of the group, “since you’d already started with C-3PO, we will practice our concentration today by levitating objects.However, until I say, we are never to practice using people or other life forms that could be frightened or injured if we make a mistake.Is that clear?”

“Yes, Master Leia,” they replied in unison, some more disappointed at the rule than others.She carefully noted those students; that over-eagerness could result in a heightened susceptibility to taking shortcuts.They would need to work hard on patience. 

Leia also noted the curious glances and smiles from the adults.The presence of the children had lightened the somber mood of the camp, and so far most of the rebels had accepted the powers they exhibited with minimal fuss.She had been purposeful in training the children in full view.No secrets.Finn had joined in a few times, and she encouraged him to practice his forms with his training saber nearby. 

It was vital the Resistance become comfortable with those who were force-sensitive.Many had only tales of the Jedi, and most heard terrifying stories of her father- and her son.It would take time to undo the damage. 

“We’ll begin with a meditation,” she said.“Close your eyes…”


	97. Chapter 97

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

I sensed him the second he appeared in our quarters, but I refused to acknowledge him, buried deeply in my continued efforts to discern the texts on the desk in front of me.It was a way of distracting myself from Ren’s continued absence.The ghost in front of me was perhaps the last person I actually wanted to see. 

“The General asked me to send you her apologies for her recent behavior,” Master Luke’s voice cut through my concentration, and I stiffened.I didn’t want to be having this conversation. 

“Ferrying messages for the living now?”I said, continuing to flip through the texts.“You could make yourself useful and fill me in on all this ancient knowledge you collected.”

“Those texts are Jedi.”

I looked up, meeting his stare.“And?” 

“Simply stating a fact,” Luke said, tucking his arms into his robes and wandering around the room, casually examining random objects.I found myself wondering if he could actually touch anything.How far did his power extend? 

“Someone should have given the Jedi lessons in creative writing,” I said, slamming the book shut, “as they are hardly page-turners.”

“True,” he replied, circling back toward me.I sighed loudly.He looked just as he had the last time I’d seen him on Yavin 4, and the time on Crait.I wished he looked different, as the state of deja vu I was feeling was unpleasant. 

“You’ve delivered your message.”I said, standing to pace the length of the room.Anger simmered under my skin. 

“I recall you used to have manners.”His tone was sharp, scolding.But he’d lost the right to speak to me in that tone many years ago.I no longer required his approval. 

“You don’t know anything about me.You never bothered to learn.”His presence in the space unnerved me; always watching, judging, but never confronting.My training with Kylo had been both confusing and enjoyable, and I didn’t need any other complications.My mind was crowded enough as it was. 

“As I said before, I was wrong.”His eyes followed my restless movements.

“Get out,” I snapped, rolling my shoulders, the emotions wild inside me and longing for release.There was no way to strike out at him, or force him to leave. 

“I’m waiting for my nephew.”

I sighed again, closing my eyes.If Kylo found me in our quarters, talking to the Force ghost of Master Luke, my life was going to get even harder.We’d left things on a positive note.He’d been teasing.Even laughed.This would _ruin_ it.Master Luke always had a way of getting in the middle. 

“He doesn’t want to see you,” I said. 

“He can tell me that himself.”

“Fine.”I wouldn’t be here to witness the carnage.Walking toward the door, I grabbed my lightsaber, planning on hunting down the Knights.They were always ready for a good fight, and I needed one.Distracted by Master Luke’s presence, I failed to pick up on another Force signature, and slammed into Kylo’s broad chest as I exited. 

He caught me before I could fall, pulling me back into the room, gloved hand sinking into my hair.“Where are you headed in such a hurry?”The thrum of his distorted voice sent shivers down my spine despite the panic setting in, and I felt his other arm loop around my back, bringing me closer to him. 

“We have an unwelcome guest,” I replied, my voice shakier than I’d intended.

“Hello, Ben.”Master Luke said from behind.

A gasp left my lips as Kylo’s hand contracted fiercely on my skull, sending darts of pain through my head.His energy flared violently, and he whirled around, taking me with him.I felt like a rag doll in his grasp.

Delicately, I settled my hands on his biceps.“I told him to leave.”

“She did.Rather rudely, in fact,” Luke said. 

Kylo’s grip on me tightened even further, and I swallowed nervously, unable to see Master Luke’s face or his under the mask.It was a stingingly familiar place, caught between the two of them.Instinctively, I opened my mouth to try and calm him, diffuse the conflict, keep the peace.

But I wasn’t on Yavin 4.This wasn’t the Jedi Temple.I was on the _Steadfast_ with Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader of the First Order.I didn’t need to calm him down.Master Luke was dead, even if he was choosing to haunt us in this moment. 

I relaxed my body, uncoiling the muscles that had gone tense at the fierce and painful hold I was in, and I melted into Kylo’s body.The pressure of his hands eased, and I was cradled gently into his chest. 

The Master behind me had betrayed us both.The one who held me now would not harm me or betray me.He had taught me after Luke discarded me.Kylo had his demons, but we would work through them.The future was constantly shifting, changing, and I had made different choices than the version of me I had seen on Mustafar.That path was forever closed.

“Let the past die,” I whispered into his tunic, repeating the words he’d said to me once.

“Interesting words from someone with your gifts,” Luke responded. 

“She is no longer your concern,” Kylo said, finally engaging with the specter in the room.

“You don’t have the skill required to teach her.” 

I felt the insult hit home, Kylo’s muscles shifting and tensing against my body.Despite all of it, I knew part of him continued to long for the approval of his uncle. 

But he brushed the comment off, his shoulder twitching upward.“I didn’t see you expending much effort.And I think we could both agree Rey was an unequivocal disaster.The only student of yours to survive was the one _I_ taught.”The temperature in the room had dipped, the distortion of his voice through the mask unable to hide the flat, cold tone of his response. 

“I’m sure that has nothing to do with the fact you’ve been obsessed with her since the moment she stepped off the ship behind me,” Luke replied, ignoring Kylo’s comments about his other students.“Did you learn nothing from the failures of your grandfather?Possession is destruction.Is that what you want for her?”

I spun around in Kylo’s arms, chest burning with irritation.“I’m right here.I don’t appreciate you talking around me as if I have no agency.I’ve made my decision.”

“Have you?Is that why I’m here, apologizing to you on behalf of my sister for the conversation the two of you had yesterday?” 

I tried to ignore Kylo’s emotional response to the news I’d gone back again without telling him.“I said my piece, and she hers.Just because we find ourselves at odds now doesn’t mean I am unable to appreciate that, for a time, I found a place with them.A final farewell.” 

“Is that what it was?”Luke asked.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you anymore,” I hissed.

“Enough.” Kylo’s voice cut through the exchange.“You’ve said what you came to say.It is my understanding that my grandmother died in childbirth.The past has nothing to do with us.You are but a shadow now.Leave us.” 

“Indeed, her death was quicker.What you are doing is much crueler.Twisting her will, using her love for you as leverage to get what you want.A slow destruction, by a thousand small cuts.”Luke’s eyes were hard, focused above my head, on the mask.“Be careful you do not get what you wish for.”

With that, he was gone.

I exploded out of Kylo’s arms.“Of all the smug, pompous, _ridiculous_ \- nonsense!Is he just going to pop in whenever he wants and provide commentary on everyone’s life choices?”My voice was a screech as I brushed the pile of old texts off my desk in a fit of irritation.“He couldn’t even be helpful!The least he could do is give me some hints on these dense, impossible writings while he’s flinging judgements around!”

“What did my mother say to you yesterday?”He had remained where he was, and his mask was still on.I ground my teeth together, pissed off Master Luke had managed what he’d no doubt come to do.Sowing doubt and asking pesky questions that led to uncomfortable conversations. 

“Nothing much.We argued.Mostly about you, when it came right down to it.I accused her of being over-simplistic in her assumptions about people, she accused me of being manipulative and implied I would now betray them.”I glanced over at him.Sometimes he still intimidated me, a tall, broad column all in black, the reforged lines of his mask winking in the harsh lighting of the ship.“I apologized to Poe for the- uh - incident with the lightning.Said my goodbyes.”

“ _Never_ apologize for your power,” Kylo said, stepping toward me.I instinctively backed away, unsure of his mood.He took off his mask, dark eyes meeting mine.My shoulders slumped in relief.There was no anger glittering in their depths.“Are you still - afraid of me?”A flicker of vulnerability skittered across his face.

“Sometimes,” I replied honestly.“It’s especially hard when I can’t see your face.” 

The corner of his mouth lifted slightly, and he tipped his head to indicate the pile of books haphazardly strewn on the floor.“It wasn’t me tossing things around in frustration this time.”

Laughing quietly, I nodded.“I suppose not.”Bending down, I began to tidy the mess of my small tantrum.“It seems some of your bad habits are rubbing off on me.”I glanced up in time to catch his scowl.

I set the books back on my desk, wincing slightly as I noted some damage to one of the more delicate tomes.My emotions had been harder to control lately.It was a new and unwelcome experience.If I continued down the path I was currently on, I could expect more of these difficulties. 

“You were always too contained.Change isn’t always bad,” Kylo commented, reacting to my thoughts. 

Carefully, I closed him out again.I’d become better at keeping my own council, but I still slipped.“True,” I answered, settling into the chair to continue the work Luke had rudely interrupted.Fatigue settled over me.There never seemed to be a time I wasn’t tired, and the amount of sleep I was getting had nothing to do with it.Recalling his reaction to my weakness the other night, I remained silent on the matter.It would be mine to deal with- I’d get no sympathy from Kylo. 

Unfortunately for me, he was like a shark scenting blood in the water.“We never spoke about the other night.” 

“Mmm.”I made a non-committal noise, hoping to avoid it altogether. 

My name from his lips was a warning.Kylo wasn’t going to be ignored.I swallowed hard and bit down on the inside of my cheek painfully before answering.“It was nothing.In the past now.Leave it there.”I didn’t often try to shut down conversations like this. 

“Not very convincing, sweetheart,” he said, his gloved hand coming beneath my chin to tilt my head upward.In my seated position, he towered above me.Each time he called me ‘sweetheart’ I felt it in my chest, a crack in the glass of my protective facade.I knew what some of these terms meant, where they came from.His father had called his mother sweetheart. 

These little details weren’t escaping my attention.Part of me was concerned at how primed I was to notice these tiny crumbs, gathering them up as proof I was making progress.I held on to them jealously, like a miser. 

He pulled me up from the chair, leading me into his workshop.“I want to show you something.”Grabbing the box I had noted when we’d moved into our new quarters, he opened it, setting it on the table in front of me.

The mangled, melted remains of a mask stared back at me.I frowned.It was different from his mask, and from those of the Knights, but something familiar tugged at me.Had I seen it before?Kylo was silent, patiently watching me puzzle over the strange object.A bolt of recognition sped through my mind, propoganda posters from history class. 

“Darth Vader,” I breathed.“Your grandfather’s mask.”How had he come to possess it?

“Snoke obtained it for me,” he answered.“When I doubted myself, my path, it was helpful.Perhaps it can be the same for you.”

The earlier presence of Master Luke triggered more memories, the story he told of Darth Vader’s redemption.“But- in the end, he-“ I started.

“- sentiment.”Kylo interrupted.“Darth Vader was his true self.His most powerful.I could only hope to achieve that level of influence.”

If the brief vision I’d had on Mustafar was any indication, his grandfather had indeed been incredibly powerful.His anger had been palpable, even in a faded memory.I glanced up at the man standing next to me.Did he think he needed _more_?Was he unable to see who he already was, the fear in people’s eyes when he strode down the halls?I still struggled to fathom how I could stand by him in the way he wanted now, let alone if he somehow amassed more strength. 

Something told me this wasn’t what his grandfather would have wanted for him, but I tucked the thought away for later.This mask had been the only connection to family, the thing he had clung to when he questioned his choices.I knew he’d hated Snoke, trusted barely anyone.It made me want to cry, the thought of this twisted visage being his only comfort for so many years. 

Taking his hand, I pulled the glove off and brought it to my lips, dusting kisses over his knuckles.“Thank you,” I said softly, wanting to respect the offer for what it meant to him. 

However, he wouldn’t be needing an object to comfort him anymore. 

I was here now. 


	98. Chapter 98

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cardo POV

Cardo covertly observed Ren working with his small apprentice from the corner of the training room, half his attention on the care he was giving to the weaponry on the table in front of him. 

He’d been surprised how painful the last several months had been.Watching the two of them was like a tidal disruption in slow motion.A beautiful star passing too close to a black hole, bent out of shape before her light was sucked into the gravitational pull, a halo around a dark pit of endless hunger.They were in the final phase now, her brightness slowly fading before it became victim to the inescapable pull. 

Many years ago the same thing had happened to Kylo Ren.His star may not have burned as brightly, but it was destroyed all the same.Cardo was aware he had little room to judge.He wasn’t a good man.But he could remember a time when he was, and as he’d grown older those memories haunted him at an ever increasing rate. 

His Master was more than fifteen years his junior, and he knew the lad fought those same memories, of a time when he was different.Cardo sensed a part of Ren knew the mistake he was making with her, but he refused to back off.As the oldest of the Knights, he’d never been able to escape the paternal feelings he had toward their young Master.

Ren tweaked her braid like a flirty schoolboy as he sparred with her and a scream of frustration emanated from her lips.There was no doubt her skills had grown.The Knights knew she could easily best each of them in single combat.Perhaps she would even beat them as a group one day.But it was clear she would never beat their Master.She was truly the apprentice. 

Which meant she was trapped.Cardo knew the moment she’d realized it, a resigned expression skipping over her features before she’d schooled them into a fake smile.With no way of fighting herself free, she had two choices.Give in to his demands, or die. 

She’d chosen to live.Ren chipped at her day and after day, eroding her resolve, bending her into the shape he thought he wanted her in.

Cardo sighed.When had he become so morose?The love he had for Kylo had crept up on him, and it was that which held him to the Knights of Ren.He wanted to do one good thing.A last act to try and erase the suffering he’d caused for decades.Perhaps if he could bring Ben Solo back to himself, save the sweet woman who clearly loved him, he wouldn’t be so harshly judged in whatever afterlife waited. 

The problem was Ren’s sheer stubbornness.The boy could never admit when he was wrong.The other problem was his own growing affection for the wee lass.His loyalty had rarely been tested, but he found himself almost physically holding back from jumping to her defense multiple times. 

“Cardo!”Her voice broke through his reverie.“He’s being _unreasonable_.” 

He chuckled.“Aye, he is that.”This had occurred a fair few times in the past few weeks, her running to him and complaining about Ren’s ruthless training methods. It was a carefully choreographed dance between the three of them.She got a break from the intensity of their Master’s pressure for her to fully turn, Ren had a chance to dial back his anger, and he played the beleaguered old knight.But it seemed today Ren was not in the mood to allow it. 

“You’ve avoided me long enough,” Ren said, following her toward the weapons table.

She frowned, thrown off.“I’ve done all you’ve asked.I’m using my emotions, my skills are improving.I don’t know what you want from me!”Her back was to him, but she kept glancing back, as she retreated toward him, seeking an ally. 

“You _know_!” Ren thundered at her.“This feigned innocence is trying my patience.”His dark eyes flashed yellow. 

Cardo hesitated.The trust he’d built with Ren had been hard won.Interference could break it, and he would never get it back.On the other hand, the relationship was strong.Perhaps a test was in order.If Ren wouldn’t allow this, he had no hope of convincing him to take another path.He grabbed Vicrul’s scythe, stepping forward.

“Do ye have some frustration ye need to work out, laddie?”Cardo swung the weapon casually, stepping between the two.

“This doesn’t concern you,” Ren said.

“Aye, bu’ I think it does.”He met his Master’s eyes.“She’s no’ a match fer ye when your in a temper.”

“Neither are you,” Ren snapped.

“True enough,” Cardo said, letting a smile play across his face, “bu’ it’s been a spell since we hadda spar.”It was the only warning he gave his Master before he sprang at him, the blade of the scythe singing in the air. 

The weapon gave him extended reach, the curved blade whipping at Ren, who blocked and leapt back with ease, circling with barely leashed fury.The blood pounded in his ears, the adrenaline of battle an old friend.Cardo kept the momentum of his blade going, twirling and spinning to deflect and shield himself from attacks. 

He’d chosen the scythe due to the difficulty Ren had in defending himself against it, but despite this fact, Ren connected with the metal of the shaft with surprising frequency, blunting the momentum of the weapon and causing Cardo to fatigue quickly. 

As the red glow of the saber clashed with the scythe for the dozenth time, sparks flew from the metal, Cardo spoke.“Dinna be a fool, laddie.As I said before, she’ll hate ye for it.” 

“This is not your concern, Knight.”Ren drove him back into the training area, trying to force him into tighter quarters that would make it more difficult to wield his weapon.

“My hope is ta see ye happy.She’s a sweet temperament.Dinna take her down our road.”Cardo danced away from Ren, footwork quick and sure.He may be on in years, but he had experience on his side, with the scars to prove it. 

“She’ll go down this road, or none at all.” Ren’s face had relaxed marginally, but the line of his mouth was hard.Stubborn.

Cardo went for the jugular, Ren easily deflecting the blow.“Like Rey?”Cardo watched his comment hit home.“I know you regret it, lad.”

They stood, staring at one another, breaths heaving from the effort of their fight.Cardo could feel her in the corner, so still he was sure she held her breath.Perhaps hoping.

The moment balanced on a knife’s edge.For a second, he thought the whole universe was waiting.But then Ren’s face contorted in rage, eyes blazing gold and red once more.He’d miscalculated.Perhaps there was no hope for his Master, for the hurt young man he’d met all those years ago.As Ren advanced, Cardo decided the risk had been worth it.He’d gone out trying. 

Ren let loose, disarming him in a matter of seconds.Sometimes he forgot the deadly power residing inside the boy.How Snoke had twisted him, tortured him. He’d been beaten once. 

By Rey. 

Before death could find him, a cyan blade whipped out, halting Ren in his tracks.Her body moved to shield him. 

“Is this how you reward loyalty? The Knight who seeks only your happiness and my well-being should be struck down in a petulant fit of anger?”Cardo watched as Ren was flung across the room.“It’s a wonder you have anyone left at all.”The voice coming out of her was flat and crisp, almost- disappointed. 

She didn’t try to keep her distance, abandoned her usual tactic.Instead, Cardo watched as she fought Ren in close quarters, their blades within millimeters of each others skin, red and blue flashes in the air, the quickness of the blows shocking.Despite his limited force sensitivity, Cardo could feel the thrum of the Dark around them. 

“This is what you wanted, I presume?” She hissed loudly as they struggled in a blade lock, face to face.His face held a twisted kind of delight. 

“You always run,” Ren replied to her.“Each time you come closer, but you flee from it before I can show you the true -“

“- the true power of the Dark, yes, I _know_.”Cardo could practically see her rolling her eyes. He’d noticed how her demeanor changed as she accessed the shadow within.She became sarcastic, cutting, baiting.She was riding the edge of it now. 

Ren shoved outward, pitching her off balance.She pivoted on her heel, as if to avoid falling to the floor- but as his blade came out to the side, Cardo watched in fascination as she let herself fall backward into his chest.His saber came up to her throat immediately, a glimmer of triumph in his eyes.Now that he could see it for what it was, he watched her pretend to struggle against Ren’s hold before relaxing into him. 

She’d lost on purpose.A tactical surrender.Her eyes flashed gold as Ren brought his blade closer to her throat, whispering something into her ear. 

“I yield,” she said, her lightsaber disengaging.Her captor spun her in his hold, capturing her mouth in a rough kiss before releasing her. 

Turning to face him, her eyes held his, and she winked.Ren had a brutal power, a lack of finesse that he made up for with sheer force.It appeared his apprentice dealt in deception and subtlety. 

She would survive Ren.Cardo just wasn’t sure what would be left of her when it was done.


	99. Chapter 99

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

I strode the corridors of the _Steadfast,_ headed to the Knights quarters.Kylo was absent more frequently, the responsibilities his impending coronation to Emperor taking him away from training me.The feelings of loneliness this caused were unwelcome.I’d spent too much of my life with those emotions and part of me hoped that would no longer be something I would have to stave off since he’d come for me.Ben had never made me feel lonely.

Kylo did. 

Shaking my head, I reminded myself Kylo _was_ Ben.Thinking of them as two separate people was a lie- one I could no longer afford.It was unfair to me, and to him.Even if he continued to experience it as a duality, I knew it wasn’t.The connection we had made on Coruscant had revealed more than he intended.He thought of himself as Ren.An entity that was neither Ben nor Kylo. 

In my attempt to avoid the aching solitude, I had started to spend more and more time with the Knights.Ever since the bombing they were all more welcoming, in their own way.Even Kuruk tolerated me.I couldn’t be myself with any of them, but at least I wasn’t alone.They had their masks, but so did I.Mine never seemed to come off at all anymore. 

As if from thin air, Hux was in front of me, standing rigidly.I brought myself to an abrupt halt, examining his slicked back hair, starched uniform and shining boots, awaiting whatever insult was bound to fall from his thin lips.

“Apprentice,” he nodded his head to the side in greeting.

What was he up to?Nervousness radiated from him, but not his usual twitchiness.This had a different quality to it.I didn’t love his use of the title, but it was better than harlot, witch, or jezebel.An improvement, even, one could argue. 

“General Hux,” I replied.We could play the polite game, if that’s what he wanted.

“Might I speak with you in private?”

My interest piqued, I nodded, and followed him to a small conference room.He shut the door behind us with care, and gestured for me to take a seat.Cautiously, I lowered myself into a chair, half expecting to be poked by something sharp.He stiffly sat across from me, and folded his long, pale fingers in a clasp on the table. 

“What I have to say to you may come as a shock,” he began, “and it is a matter of great delicacy.I am putting my trust in you.”

“Oh?”This was, as Hux might say, highly irregular. 

Taking a deep sigh, he straightened his shoulders.“There isn’t much preamble, so I’m afraid I’ll just have to come out and say it.”His beady eyes locked on mine, deadly serious.“I am the mole.”

I jerked back, blinking rapidly in confusion.This had to be a trick.

“I can understand your distrust.However, the note on your breakfast tray, the droid informing you of Commander Dameron’s whereabouts, the conveniently deserted hangar bay.All of that was my doing.” 

My mind whirled.He knew about the ways the mole contacted me, however that proved nothing.But what could he hope to gain from this?I took a deep breath, and let his emotions wash over me. 

He was sincere.What he told me was the truth.

“Gener-“ I started.

“Armitage, please.”

I frowned, but acquiesced.“Armitage, say I were to believe you.What possible reason could you have for telling me this?You must want something from me.” 

“Indeed.We are allies out of necessity.What I would like to offer you is the safety of the Resistance.Doubtless you are aware of Ren’s renewed vigor in rooting them out, and the Allegiant General’s robust enthusiasm in carrying out those orders.”

“I am.”

“I will not lie, what I seek is power.After the - unfortunate event of Starkiller Base I have fallen out of favor.Ren despises me, and I him.We make no secret of this.However, should I have the, um, opportunity, to take control- I would ensure the safety of your rebel friends.”Hux shifted uncomfortably as he revealed more of his hand to me. 

“You want me to help you overthrow Kylo Ren?” 

“Yes.”

“In exchange for the safety of the Resistance?” 

“Yes.”

How unfortunate he hadn’t gotten to me _before_ the bombing.My allegiance had been split, I may have been tempted to give in and go along with his ridiculous plans.Suspicion rose in me.The bombing. 

“If the wellbeing of the Supreme Leader is causing you hesitation, I can assuage that fear.”He leaned toward me, his eyes flashing. 

I could almost hear the gears turning in his head.Or perhaps I could hear them.I was rooting around in his brain, and found some very interesting information. 

“He could be… exiled.”Hux waved a hand upward in a circle, as if to illustrate his point, completely ignorant of my presence in his mind.

I laughed.“You expect me to believe you would leave him _alive_?”This man must think I was an idiot. 

“Indeed.Part of my gratitude to you for your assistance.I must admit, I was unsure if the relationship was voluntary.”His cheek twitched, as if the thought of any woman with Ren was distasteful. 

Strangely, the assumptions no longer bothered me, and I shrugged, a smirk on my face.Armitage had just made a dire miscalculation.I could draw him out more, play with my food, but my core was burning with rage. _This_ was the person responsible for the bombing.He had pushed the Resistance into the plan.I would protect Kylo from anyone who chose to wish him harm.That it happened to be Armitage Hux was a bonus. 

Pretending to consider his offer, I reached out into the ship, searching.Kylo was back in our quarters again. 

Perfect.

Without even a whisper of guilt, I crushed him into the wall.“This isn’t going to go the way you think.”I snarled, echoing the words Leia had said to me about her son, on day that seemed light years away now. 

Hux was shocked, his mind spinning with confusion. 

“You think you can betray my Master, that _I_ would betray him?For your pathetic coup?”I spun on my heel, his body hitting the floor behind me.I dragged him along behind me easily, anger filling my insides, a bitter taste in my mouth. 

It wasn’t a short journey.I expected some resistance to me invisibly yanking a top First Order general down the corridors, however, no one had the courage to interfere.It seemed my influence was growing. 

I approached our quarters and strode in, the air thick around me with fury.Hux slid in, pinned like a bug to the wall as the doors closed.

Ren was at his desk, and looked up with interest.“Armitage,” he greeted, “what could you have possibly done to incur the wrath of my apprentice?”

“This _pit viper_ ,” I hissed in answer, “has been sending information to the Resistance.Hux is the mole.He approached me today, thinking I’d be happy to support his planned coup, after his plot on Coruscant failed.”

“Because of _you_.”Hux spat hatefully.

I felt Ren’s delight.“How unfortunate for you, General.”He stood from the desk, coming to my side and running a gentle touch down my cheek. 

Pleasure blossomed within me at the approval in his eyes.His lips met mine in a languid, soft kiss. 

“Such a good pet,” he said, his mouth quirking up at the corner. 

“You’re _sick_ ,” Hux spluttered out.

Ren turned his attention to the General.“This is what true loyalty and devotion look like, Hux.Not that you would understand.”He seemed to consider something, several beats passing before he spoke again.“Bring him to the interrogation room, little one.I think it’s time to step up your training.”

The fire that had been raging inside me banked.Torture?Distress rose in me. 

A gloved hand reached out to me.My gaze darted between his outstretched hand and Hux’s terrified face.The General had been helping the Resistance, but only for his own gain- he would have betrayed them, too, in the end.He’d sought power and control, his motivations jealous and selfish.I shouldn’t feel for him.He would have not only hurt Ren, but my other friends as well. 

He deserved this. 

I took the offered hand, Hux pleading behind me as I levitated him through the door and onto the interrogation chair, restraints clicking into place.

Ren stood in the corner, arms crossed.“He’s all yours.” 

I arrowed into Hux’s mind.It was so _easy_.“He’s made contact via an old datapad hidden in his quarters.”

Squirming, Hux managed to spit out.“YOU were the one who warned the Resistance of the impending attack in the Corellian System.”

“Yes.”I didn’t pause in my plunder of his mind.

Ren chuckled.“Old news, Armitage.Old news.” 

“He was planning on using me to….destabilize you.He thought if I left it would distract you, allow him to assassinate Pryde and wrest control of the First Order.By the time you realized, he thought he’d have enough of a hold to destroy you, too.Kill you when you returned from searching for me.”I considered Hux.“Not a terrible plan.Too bad I didn’t want to play along.” 

I rattled off unfamiliar names of his accomplices, Ren moving to a panel behind me to order arrests.Finding nothing else, I stopped. 

Hux was panting, eyes glazed, shaking. 

Ren came up to me, standing beside me.“You’re being terribly gentle for an interrogation.”

I shrugged.“We have what we need.” 

He leaned down to whisper in my ear.“It would please me to see you make him suffer.”

I shivered.“You’ve wanted to get rid of him for years.Don’t you want to do it?”

“You’re stalling.”Energy thrummed between us.I could feel the pressure of his influence like a physical weight on my body. 

I reached for the controls, unsure, as if in a dream.Or nightmare.What should I do?Pressing a few levers, Hux screamed, sparks flying off the metal instruments.I considered my other options, selecting a few protocols that seemed most painful.The sounds he made were hypnotizing, helping me choose what hurt him most.Ren was encouraging, his hands on my body as I worked, dropping light kisses on my neck, complimenting my skill. 

Horrified, I ripped myself away.“No.No.I can’t do this.”

“Would you like to see the plans he had for your Resistance friends?You didn’t look.” 

Before I could argue, Ren was projecting images into my mind, each more upsetting than the next.I had thought Hux would just crush them, end them quickly, but he had a cruel streak as well.I felt hatred for him rise inside me, fueling me to want to continue the torture, hear more of his screams.Make him beg for death. 

The image that sent me over the edge was of Leia, in this very chair, while Hux made Ren watch.It was a fantasy, not in the actual plan, which made it even more abhorrent to me.No matter what Ren’s feelings were toward his mother, it would have been horrific.

Something slithered awake inside me.My hand shot out, and I _pulled._ I felt a buzz as Hux whimpered, my hand fisting.I directed the energy I’d taken back into him, plus more, healing him a fraction of the way as I re-engaged the chair.

Electrocute.

Burn.

Drain.

Heal.

Cut.

Drain.

Burn.

Heal. 

Electrocute.

I was freezing.Ice solidified in my veins.I needed him to suffer.He _deserved_ it.Distantly, I heard his begging, but I ignored it, continuing. 

Finally, I miscalculated, and took too much, the energy filling me up.Hux slumped in the chair, dead.

The haze cleared from my vision, the hit of adrenaline from absorbing his remaining life force jolting me out of my dissociative state. 

_What have I done?_ I stared at my hand. _What was that?How did I know to do this?_

I always pulled energy before I healed someone, just never _from_ them.Horror filled me.Where had the energy come from?It hadn’t all been from me.Poe—I’d needed more than I had, so I’d taken.Taken from _where_?I’d taken it from all around me- from Ajan Kloss. 

Ren was watching me, pleased.“Force drain.You’re full of surprises.”He didn’t hide his pride. 

_Force drain is a Dark Side power.I’ve been using it all along.Every time I’ve healed someone._

“It would seem so.”Ren replied.“Fascinating.” 

I wondered if it was like this for every Jedi.At first a slow slide, then a nauseating fall into the Dark. 

_This isn’t me._ I was kind, helpful, understanding.The effort to take the opposite actions was high, and in my core, I knew it was wrong.I wasn’t bad.Even if I’d accidentally used a Dark Side power, it had been from a place of goodness.No one had realized it, not even Master Luke.I could turn back right now, forgive myself.I could argue the actions had balanced themselves out, and never do it again. 

I looked up at Ren’s face, and I knew he could sense everything inside me, but he didn’t speak or move, patiently letting me consider it all on my own. 

Taking a deep breath, I started to pull back.I could claw my way up- I had a choice.Stay mostly in the Light, or at the very least try to moderate the Dark, stay just along the edges.But a flicker of vulnerability passed over Ren’s face.

**_He needs you.He won’t ever admit it, but he needs you to do this.To be somebody who stays.Accepts him.Joins him._ **

Another voice argued in my head, but it was distant, quiet. _Don’t martyr yourself.No one who really loves you would expect this of you._

 ** _He doesn’t expect it.He’s waiting.You get to choose._** My heart ached.If I turned back now, right at the precipice of this final choice, we would be enemies and we wouldn’t survive it.At best, I’d manage to escape or be rescued, at worst he’d be forced to kill me.Either way, we’d be separated again.I’d thought the training room had been the moment, but it was only the first step.Here was the real plummet.

I gathered up all the parts of me that knew this was wrong, that were wise and good and true.I threw those parts in a deep pit within me, the one that had opened up the first night I’d looked into Ren in the dining room, when his own darkness had torn a hole in me, too.At the time I hadn’t known that was what he’d taken, but that chasm was so much wider now.I’d widened it. 

It was like being slowly poisoned.The shadow swallowed me whole, filled me up inside.A heavy, cold, powerful presence. 

A strangled, low sound of need and suddenly I was lifted against the wall, Ren’s desperate, hot mouth on mine.We devoured each other, no tenderness or softness present.A violent claiming full of teeth and tongue.My legs came around his lean hips, hands locked at the nape of his neck so I could push myself harder against his body. 

He had one hand under my ass, holding me up, but I could feel his other busily undoing the fastening of his pants.I ripped my mouth from his.

“Let me down.”I insisted, and was surprised when he obeyed me.I yanked my boots and bottoms off, and pulled his unfastened trousers down, the fabric pooling at his feet.I reached back up to grasp his shoulders, and he once again hoisted me up against the wall. 

Not bothering to check if I was ready, he thrust into me.I screamed out in pain at the unexpected intrusion inside me.But the pain cut through the cold numbness inside me, irritation boiling up.I cruelly yanked his hair, snapping his face upward to expose the thick column of his neck and bit down hard, the copper taste of blood filling my mouth. 

“Fuck!”He yelled, but I felt him shudder with pleasure inside me.I bit him again.

Ren spun us away from the wall and crashed us down into the glossy floor.I yelped with distress, my back slamming down hard.He’d managed to shield the back of my head with his hand, but the impact on the rest of my body had knocked my teeth together.

“Asshole!”I yelled, slapping him across the face. 

He towered above me, still pumping his cock in and out of me, his pupils blown out so wide his eyes appeared black.“Oh, little one.”Suddenly my arms were out at my sides, pinned on the floor by invisible hands.“That was a mistake.”

Pain exploded in my face as the back of his hand contacted my cheekbone.I whimpered, my hips writhing deeper into his thrusts, my core tightening.

My heart pounded in my chest as he grasped my jaw in his hand, his face coming close to mine, our eyes locked together.I felt heat continue to pool in my belly, my sex slickening, easing his entry in and out of me.He felt somehow bigger than before, and I butterflied my legs, trying to open to him.

His eyes still on mine, he reached down and hooked his arm under one of my knees, pulling my leg up and over his shoulder.The move deepened his angle of penetration and I gasped, overwhelmed by his size and depth so far inside me.I felt vulnerable, and I struggled against his grip on my face, trying to look away from him. 

“No more hiding,” he rumbled.Ren’s thrusts were long and measured, and I could see the strain on his face, feel how close he was to release.But he just kept pace, even and slow, his pelvic bone a consistent friction against my clit as he moved.The pressure was a torturous build. 

Desperate to counter the intensity of his gaze on mine, I closed my eyes.He tightened his grip on my jaw a fraction.

“Open,” he hissed. 

I was so close.His movements stopped.

“Open your eyes,” he demanded.

With a sob, I complied, and he started again.He managed to keep me hovering right at the edge for what seemed like an eternity.I barely noticed he’d allowed my arms free until I had them wrapped around his shoulders, my fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt.When the wave of pleasure finally hit, my vision blurred, body arching up into his, a long moan erupting from my mouth as my entire body shuddered.Ren watched me with dark eyes, the intimacy like a brand on my skin. 

He rested his forehead on mine, releasing my jaw to brace a forearm on the floor, increasing his leverage so he could thrust faster, chasing his own orgasm. His other arm stretched my leg even higher over his shoulder, my muscles protesting at the strain. 

“You are perfect,” Ren breathed into my mouth right before his body quaked above me, his cock jerking inside me. 

He let my leg down and sagged over me, burying his face into my neck. 

As I moved to stroke his hair, I realized where we were.Hux’s cold, empty eyes were staring at us from the corner. 

We had just consumed one another on the floor of the interrogation room, my tortured, dead victim the backdrop of our coupling. 

This is what I’d chosen.As pleasure of my orgasm faded, I had nothing left, just a freezing, howling chasm. 

I laughed. 

I laughed so I wouldn’t cry.


	100. Chapter 100

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Ren flinched at her empty laughter.He’d never heard a sound like that from her before, raising his head to look. 

Her eyes were flat.Dull.Something constricted in his chest.This was what he’d wanted, wasn’t it?The triumph he’d felt only a short time ago when he’d sensed her give in was now a stone in his gut.He was still inside her, but she felt light years away from him. 

“Are you hurt?” 

She scoffed, “No.”Her hips bucked.“You’re heavy.”

 _I like it._ She’d argued with him months ago when he’d rolled off of her, afraid of crushing her.This wasn’t right. 

“Ren,” she insisted, pushing at him.He pulled out of her, stood to straighten himself.She rolled to her side and up to standing, turning her back to him.Striding out of the room, she entered the fresher, the door closing behind her. 

Shaking off the unease from her uncharacteristic behavior, Ren sent a message to Pryde, scheduling an emergency Council meeting regarding Hux’s treachery.Pulling on his leather gloves and clicking his mask in place, he waited for her to emerge, settling in his desk chair andgrabbing his datapad to complete the tasks he’d been in the middle of when she’d dragged the General through the door. 

Her eyes swept over him as she came around the corner.“Do I get a mask?” 

Nausea swept through him at the thought.“No.” 

“I don’t get to join in the terrifying sartorial aesthetics?”Even her voice was altered, cool and sarcastic.“Or, is it a mark of achievement?Slaughter a few villages, you win your gloves.Murder of a close friend- a cape.”He watched as her lips twisted into something that could have been called a smile, but wasn’t.

Ren examined her.She’d tamed her hair, the braid running down her back neater, and her tunic, pants and boots were all black.A leather belt was at her waist, her lightsaber secured on it.She didn’t look particularly intimidating.Then again, that could be useful. 

An image flashed in his mind.He stood, walking into his closet.She watched him with curiosity as he approached, a torn garment in his hands.He placed it over her head, the cowl falling longer on her than it had on him, to her low back.Adjusting the hood around her hair, he stepped back and surveyed her appearance. 

He really did enjoy seeing her in his garments.It soothed something in him, to have his clothing draped on her, marking her as his.The lighter material of the cowl fluttered as she moved, and the hood cast her face in partial shadow.Ren took her hand, smoothing his thumb over her knuckles.“I’ll get you some gloves.” 

Normally, she would have responded to his touch.Now, she merely shrugged, and indicated the weapon at her hip.“I’d like to find my own kyber crystal.” 

“You can make modifications,” he argued.

“No.The person you made this for doesn’t exist now.”She took the lightsaber off of her belt, sighing.“Besides, I don’t want to destroy it.”

“Sentiment,” he cautioned, even as the thought of her cracking the crystal also moved something in him. 

“Perhaps.”A sadness flashed in her eyes.“But it’s our history.A piece of us.”She handed it to him.“We make the rules.Tradition would dictate I bend the crystal to my will, but I’d rather find a new one.” 

He accepted it from her, returning it to the drawer he’d had it hidden in all those years.He tried and failed to ignore the thought they were taking a step backwards somehow.Taking her hand he led her into the side room that held his grandfather’s helmet.Reaching his workbench, he found a weapon he’d built after the Temple burned.“You can use this for now.”

She ignited it, the red glow illuminating her face.It was crude, the blade short; but the length suited her stature.When he’d built it, he’d been toying with the idea of dual wielding, but it hadn’t suited.Ren watched as she experimentally swung and spun it carefully in the small space.“Thank you, Master.”

Ren flinched.She’d never used the honorific outside of the training room except in jest.It had always been Ben, or Kylo.But- now it was Ren.Slowly, without him noticing, she’d distanced from him.He realized then she hadn’t called him Ben since that day in the training room, before she’d asked him to show her the power of the Dark. 

The question was out before he had a chance to stop himself.“Why don’t you call me Ben anymore?”

“Because you aren’t Ben.I was fooling myself in the beginning, trying to lie and justify my own reasons for being here.You made it very clear who you were the moment you stepped into the cell.”The blade turned off.“Ben Solo died when the Temple burned.”Her eyes unfocused.“Just like I died in the interrogation room.”

He was glad for the mask, his face hidden from her.Ren was sure he’d had very little heart left, until this moment.She was compressed.Two-dimensional.Her face had always held lightness, joy, her emotions flickering across it without her conscious control.Always she’d blamed his ability to know her thoughts, but truly it was her face that gave her away most of the time.Ren realized she didn’t need a mask.She’d made her own.What he was looking at was not her. 

She continued, unaware of his distress.“I don’t require a new name.To me, that’s unimportant.Your name had a storied past, weight.It made sense to shed it like a snake skin.”Her hand waved dismissively.“I am no one.Nothing.Unimportant.”

“Not to me.”His hand was cupping her face, his thumb running along her cheekbone gently.

It was like she didn’t even feel him.“I heard you speaking to Pryde.Am I to accompany you to the meeting or do you have another assignment for me?”She shifted her stance, hands behind her back, legs slightly wide, awaiting his orders.

Ren hated it.“I’d like you with me.”His hand dropped from her face.Perhaps this was temporary.She’d need time to adjust.He would give her that space. 

“Yes, Master.” 

Shockingly, he might learn to hate that title from her lips.Inclining his head to the door, they walked out through the bedroom and into the hall.She dropped back and to his left, careful to stay a step behind him, subdued.That had never happened.He loved how she used to almost dance beside him, animated. 

Fear curdled in his veins as they strode toward the lift. 

This felt like a terrible mistake.


	101. Chapter 101

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

_I need to find a way to say goodbye.To warn them they can no longer trust me.They need to see – see the threat he and I pose to them.Before it’s too late._

It was the one thing running around in my brain as I followed Ren to the Council meeting.In order to do it, he would have to be away in another part of the ship, ideally distracted. 

The void yawned inside, leaking blackness into me.I’d need to fill it with something soon before it drove me mad.But I had to hold off, just for a while.Until I could reveal my shame to Poe, my weakness.Ensure they understood I was now beyond saving, just like Ben. 

Gone. 

They’d need to kill us both.Sooner rather than later, because I knew once I let the anger fill the endless hole inside me I would pitch, head-first, screaming into the darkness.Once he’d questioned my survival instincts.Ren had no idea.I would scrape and claw to survive.Do whatever it took.Become whoever he wanted me to be. 

We entered the room, everyone already present.They noted his cowl shrouding my head, thoughts pinging, curious and afraid.The Knights were gone right now, but I caught Parnadee’s anxiety as she envisioned being flanked by the Knights, Ren and I standing at the head of the table, the door locked. 

The image was intimidating.Guards entered a few moments behind us, dragging the corpse of Armitage Hux into the room and sliding him onto the table. 

“We found the mole.”Ren said, vocoder humming. 

No one breathed.Abject horror filled the room.My handiwork had left burns and cuts all over the corpse, rigor setting the pained facial expression permanently on Hux’s face. 

It seemed I had an aptitude for this after all. 

Pryde recovered first.“Supreme Leader, it seems highly unlikely that-“

Ren cut him off.“He approached my apprentice, falsely believing that she would turn on me and assist him with his coup to save her Resistance friends.It was a critical error.She brought him to our quarters and interrogated him herself.Afterward… well, we didn’t feel mercy was the correct choice.” 

“The torture was- after-?”Parnadee choked out.

I smiled.Or at least, my muscles moved.“It was quite simple to extract the information from his mind.”

“I daresay you were gentle.”Ren mused.

“I mistake I will not repeat.”I replied. 

Pryde was staring at me.“What is your role, exactly?”

“She is my apprentice.”Ren answered for me.“She serves at my pleasure.” 

A cruel idea bloomed in my mind.“Would you like a demonstration?”I asked.“Some entertainment?” 

Hux’s dead body floated upward off the table and began a sick, stiff dance in the air, like a macabre puppet. 

Parnadee’s thoughts were loudest again- she thought I’d seemed like such a sweet girl before.I addressed her directly.“I did, didn’t I?”Her skin turned an ashen color.

“We’re getting off topic.”Ren said, turning to me.“That’s enough theater.” 

I dropped Hux’s body, allowing it to crumple back on the table.

He continued.“I’ve ordered the immediate arrest of all accomplices.We will have a formal execution tomorrow.I expect as many staff to attend as possible while maintaining optimal function.”From behind his mask, he still seemed to meet each of their eyes.“It will be a public demonstration of what to expect should anyone cross me again.” 

Each member of the Council nodded stiffly. 

“Dismissed.” 

I’d never seen a group of people try to exit a room so fast while still trying to look casual. 

Ren turned to me.“You have a flair for the dramatic, it seems.” 

“It’s effective,” I replied simply, still staring straight ahead.“I’d like to go to the training room and practice some forms with your lightsaber, if it pleases you.”The training room was well away from our quarters, and I could secure the door.I would be able to contact Poe. 

“Fine.Return to me when you’re done.” 

I turned my head to him and bowed it respectfully, noting how he’d become uncomfortable in our rooms when I’d addressed him as Master.Fighting myself not to break out into a run, I exited.

In a mercy I didn’t deserve, it took me minimal effort to slip into the meditation and find them once I settled myself in the upper scaffolding of the training room. 

Leia and Poe were near the entrance of a large cave, and it was her that noticed me first, face falling into a resigned expression.I watched her take Poe’s arm, as if she didn’t want him to turn around and behold what I’d become. 

“Poe,” I called out.Something sparked weakly within me when he turned, reaching for him.He tried to move toward me, but Leia stopped him short.I waited as she said something to him, and his face transformed, a denial on his lips, extricating from her grasp to move to me.

His hands settled on my shoulders, scanning my face, his eyes full of pain.“Why didn’t you-“

“- it was Hux.The mole.He wanted to use me to destabilize Ren, seize control of the First Order, and wipe you all off the map.”I closed my eyes.“I tortured and killed him myself.You’re safe- safe for now.”

Poe sucked in a breath.“Baby,” he pulled me into his arms, “that must have been terrible.”

This was going to be harder on me than I thought.Despite the cavern of numbness within me, I wanted to cling to him and never let go, beg for rescue, beg forgiveness.“I-“Some part of me didn’t want to say the words aloud.“It’s over.I came to warn you.You cannot trust me.If you see me again, assume your position is compromised and move as fast as you can.The primary objective should be to kill Ren and me as quickly as possible.The longer you wait, the more of a threat we’ll be.You must do it.Fast.” 

Poe’s body had gone rigid at my words.His head starting shaking, and he pulled back.“No.NO. _Come back_.I’ll help you.” 

“It’s too late.”I whispered.“I failed.” 

“I don’t care.”He took my face in his hands and kissed me with such tenderness I almost fell to my knees.I allowed myself this one last moment, returning the kiss with what was left of the person he knew.Would that I could stay, in that moment, forever frozen.But I pulled away. 

Leia had walked up to us, quiet and sad.Poe refused to let go of me, so I turned my face to meet her eyes. 

Her hand gently stroked the edge of the cowl.“Ben’s.” 

I nodded.Poe recoiled, backing away a step.As he did, it felt like my heart was being pulled out with him.“Why?”His eyes were accusatory. 

I stared at the ground.“He needs me.Someone to stay with him.He couldn’t follow me back.” 

“So you followed him.”Leia finished. 

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Such a high price.” 

“Yes.”My voice was ragged, pained.It seemed whatever anger I’d harbored for her was temporary.Hux had been the one to put the plan in front of the Resistance.I could be upset with her on Ren’s behalf, but that was all.

“You can still turn back,”Leia said.I felt a flare of hope from Poe. 

“I’ll keep him away from you as long as I can.Distract him with other things, other conquests.Convince him whatever threat you are can wait.”My breath stuttered in and out of me.

Poe grabbed me again, forcing me to look at him.“You don’t have to do this.”

“I made my choice.”The words clanged like a weight between us.I tried to memorize the lines of his face, the color of his eyes, his energy.Then I pushed him away, harder than I could with only physical strength.I took several steps back into the shadow of the cave entry.

I ignited the lightsaber, the red glow illuminating my eyes and face under the shadow of the cowl. 

“Remember.You can no longer trust me.” 

I came to, lying on the metal grates of the scaffolding, the training room below me. 

The silence of space pressed from outside as the desolate landscape within me howled. 

_No turning back now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew!!!! Guys, I won't lie, this update was over 15,000 words, so it may take me some extra time to get another one up!
> 
> I really hope that you all enjoyed this, and that it helped to distract from a stressful day. 
> 
> If you have the bandwidth, as always I love to read your comments!!!! Thank you all so much for reading this, I have been totally blown away. We're coming up on almost 400 kudos. I never expected so many would enjoy what started out as a way for me to cope with 2020. 
> 
> Thank you a million times!!! xoxox


	102. Chapter 102

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Happy December. :) Just a quick little three chapter update this time.

Poe stood, stunned.He could have sworn his chest was cracking open, the vision of her in darkness, red lightsaber glowing burning into his retinas.

How had it all gone so wrong?Even after the bombing, even when she’d pushed him away, he’d thought - he’d thought she’d never turn.Not really. 

Leia was next to him, her hand on his shoulder.Part of him wanted to shrug it off, blame her for this unimaginable outcome. 

“We have to do something,” he said, his voice too rough to his own ears.Leia had lost hope in her since the incident on the Falcon- why did he think she would help him now?Help her? 

“There is nothing we can do.The choice has been made.”The words were heavy with finality. 

“I- I can’t accept that- she’s too kind for that.Compassionate, smart.She _heals_ people!” He insisted.“I can get her back.I can _fix_ this.” 

Poe felt Leia tense next to him.“You have faith in her.”

“Yes.”This wasn’t her path.Had it not been for Ren, she’d never have chosen this.Whatever jealousy he had toward the relationship, not even that mattered any longer.Poe wasn’t going to take this lying down. 

He sighed.“I honestly believe she did this for someone she cares about.It- the reason feels different.I can’t explain how or why I know.”Poe ran his fingers through his hair for the millionth time.Most likely he looked like an electrocuted porcupine by now. 

“I may have been premature in my judgement of her.I was afraid for you, wanted to warn you away.”Poe turned to look at the General’s face.“That was wrong of me.”Tears pooled in her eyes.“I wanted her to go, wanted another chance for Ben.She is doing this for him- I felt that, too.But we aren’t in any position to take on the entire First Order _and_ both of them.”Before he could protest, the General shook her head, asking for his patience.“I’m not saying she would hurt us, but we’d be a threat to Ben.”

Poe felt his body sag.“It would make her unpredictable.”The General was right.But, Poe was almost certain she couldn’t hurt _him_.If he went…

“Commander, I know precisely what that look means, and the answer is no.Absolutely not, and that is an order.You may not go off to rescue the girl.”The side of her cane thwacked against his calf for emphasis.“She’s offered us more time.Now that he has her, she’ll have more influence over him, even if he doesn’t realize it.Going off of your faith in her, I think she will protect us as long as she can.” 

“He _has her_ ,” Poe echoed, growling the last two words.“And the mole was _Hux._ ”He yanked at his hair.“This is a mess.” 

Leia considered.“She’s moved a piece off the board.Yes, this means they’re consolidated under their Supreme Leader, but fear has a way of motivating more dissension.That was a mistake the Empire made.”Her eyes sharpened.“My son will want more control, not less.The Council will push for the coronation.He tightens his grip when he feels threatened.”

Poe shook his head in exasperation.“We don’t need him tightening the noose.”

“That is precisely what we want, Commander.I think we need to goad them.Especially in systems they think are fully loyal.Make him paranoid.”

“We’re already too at risk with the amount of manpower they’ve dedicated to finding us now.”Poe argued.

Leia grinned.“We won’t be taking credit this time.Connix has some excellent connections.The crime syndicates hate the First Order.Your friends on Kijimi are primed to mobilize.The First Order wants just that- order.Crime hates order of any kind.Chaos is where they make their money.”

Poe scowled.“You want to ask the crime syndicates for help?”

“I want to help them sow chaos in the First Order’s galaxy.Make my son edgy and prone to fits of rage.Rash decisions will come from it.We need to foster the idea no one is safe from his tyranny.Hux had the idea to destabilize him, and I think we should take a sheet from that book.”Poe watched the General’s face light up, a plan clearly forming.“She said she’d distract him.Let’s help your girl.”

Despite the solid reasoning, he found himself hesitating.“He’ll - he might ask her to do things, those situations…”

The General’s face softened.“He’s going to ask that of her no matter what we do.These won’t be our people, Poe.She won’t ever have to look in to the face of someone she knows and make that choice, at least if I have anything to do with it.”Her soft hand cupped his face gently.“I know it’s not ideal.If there was another way… but you have to accept the choice was made.There was no fog in her mind, no sense of someone else forcing her hand. _She_ decided.” 

Poe nodded.Deep down, he knew she’d been the one to choose.Maybe he couldn’t sense it in the same way Finn or the General could, but one thing he was certain of is he would have known if something was off.As much as he had wanted the feeling of wrongness to be present, it hadn’t been.The message was clear. 

“Promise me you won’t jump into an X-wing and start blowing things up,” Leia chided.

He sighed heavily.“General, I’m not sure I can fully promise I won’t do something rash, but I will say I’ll try not to.That will have to be good enough.”

“I suppose that’s honest, Commander.” 

Forcing a smile, Poe walked away.

He could see a lot more drinking in his future.


	103. Chapter 103

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

“What are you reading?”Ren asked. They’d both been quietly working for hours. 

Her eyes met his over the top of the data pad.“A history book.Apparently, a _forbidden_ one.”Eyebrows wiggling suggestively, she continued.“Cardo sent it to me.Something about what I learned being ‘revisionist history’?He said he cleared it with you.”

Ren frowned.“How did you two end up talking about history?”Something close to jealousy was burning in his stomach, remembering how he used to have conversations with her about anything and everything, lying in the grass, or squished together onto his cot.Part of him longed for those types of moments again. 

A delicate hand waved in the air casually.“I was confused about some of the things I was reading in the Jedi texts.”At his increasing scowl, she hurried to add, “I didn’t tell him exactly what, of course, but I was asking him so many questions…”A small chuckle escaped her.“I think I was making him feel _old_.” 

Shifting in the chair, one pale foot peeked from under her leg, toes wiggling.It was a nervous tick of hers.But why would she be nervous?It was only the two of them in their quarters.Ren had been relieved when some of her playfulness had returned over the past three days.The cool, distant mask which had slammed down over her in the aftermath of Hux’s death concerned him, but it still felt as if she were dancing just out of his reach.

Ren took a stab at tempting her into the kind of conversations they used to have.“The revisionist history he referenced was the purge the Empire engaged in after the Clone Wars to distort historical record so that certain events reflected more positively on them.The Jedi actually destroyed much of the cache of holocrons out of concern they would fall into the Chancellor’s hands.The books were mostly destroyed as well.This made it easier for the Empire to paint the Jedi in a less flattering light.”

“Why would the public schools still teach falsehoods, even after the Empire fell?”she asked.

Ren shrugged.“It depended on a lot of elements.The relative wealth of the planet or system, the political leanings of the government, how much the New Republic was involved in assisting with recovery of the economy.Also, the socio-economic status of the school district.” 

“What’s your stance?”Head tilted suspiciously, she had set her datapad on her lap. 

“On?”Ren wasn’t quite sure what she was asking. 

“On an autocratic empire making the decision to change history in their favor.I imagine the First Order feels positive about the idea.They had - have - just as much propaganda as the Empire did.Perhaps more.”The ice was back in her voice.

His mind scrambled.They’d had a conversation related to this once, long ago.Back then, he’d been against it.But he wasn’t that person anymore.The First Order was a military machine, and there were many parts of the machine he didn’t directly oversee. 

“Seems like you haven’t given it much thought.”She spoke into the empty space left by his indecision.“As the future Emperor of the galaxy, you may want to get a handle on that.”The datapad came up to hide part of her face, dismissing him.

The sting of her words bit into him like frozen barbs, and he felt the anger rise in response.What room did she have to question him?She didn’t have even a quarter of his education, wasn’t put in the position of having to meet unrealistic expectations.He had been named after legends, his path chosen for him before he was even born.He’d never even _met_ Obi-Wan Kenobi.Even his last name was a lie.Solo.It had been made-up. 

He snatched the datapad from her hand with invisible force, the thin piece of technology flying across the room and slamming into the wall.No one would ignore him.Little to no reaction greeted him as she folded her hands into her lap slowly, eyes glancing at the datapad on the floor across the room.Ren leapt out of his chair, towering over her. 

“The First Order will bring peace, prosperity and order to the galaxy,” he said.The words sounded hollow to his own ears, but he pressed on, angry.“You don’t even know enough history to have an opinion on any of this.You barely had an education.”

A single brow lifted in response to his judgement.“True.We didn’t all have parents descended from Alderaanean royalty who could pay for private tutors and servants to bow to our every need.Some of us had to simply scrape by in the public system.”

“My parents _paid_ other people to care for me.They were too busy to bother.”Ren paced across the room, his skin itching with resentment. 

“At least they bothered enough to pay someone else, and had the resources to do so.”

Why was she being this way?Always she had listened to him when he’d told her his past, reacted with understanding and reassurance. 

“You don’t have the market cornered on suffering, Ren.Other people have suffered just as much as you, if not more.I understand more than anyone the mistakes your parents made, how it made you feel.But that isn’t a free pass to do whatever you want.”Standing she came closer.“You made choices.Own them.”

“Like you’re owning yours?” he snarled. 

“Yes,” she replied, stunning him a little with her matter of fact tone, her lack of denial or explanation.It took the wind out of his sails, and he felt the anger ebbing away.“You need to decide what kind of leader you want to be.”

Blinking, he stared at her. 

“Has anyone ever asked you?”Head tilted delicately to one side, her eyes pierced into him, the question echoing inside his head. _Had_ anyone ever asked?Things occurred so quickly after Snoke’s death, he’d simply seized power.Everything after had been in the service of holding onto it.The Council made many of the decisions - he simply approved them. 

If he was being completely honest, he’d been so stunned after - after Rey.Then seeing Luke again on Crait, the frustration when he realized he’d been fooled.His worsening migraines, the lack of sleep, hunting the Resistance, tightening the First Order’s control on the galaxy.When he tried to think back, everything felt fuzzy.

The truth was, of course, he never wanted to be a leader.At least not in the way he was about to be.The thought of his upcoming coronation continued to make him nauseous. “You’ll be my Empress.We can figure it out together.”

The datapad floated into her hand from it’s place on the floor, and she set it on the edge of the chair behind her, turning back with a puzzled look.“I’d be more suited to a lower position.My current role as apprentice, or a consort perhaps.You’ll of course need to make a more advantageous and appropriate match for marriage.”There was no malice or hurt in her tone, only pragmatism. 

Ren’s lips parted in shock. 

“As you just said, I’m uneducated.I hardly have the requisite experience to help anyone rule a galaxy.I’ve no lineage of any note.”

Opening his mouth to apologize, she silenced him with a finger to his lips.“It’s simply a fact, Ren.I’m not so easily crushed.You’ll just need to find someone else.”

He didn’t want anyone else.It was her he saw ruling by his side.She deserved more than to be a Consort.The face in front of him was flat, expectant.Almost - obedient.The hairs at his neck prickled in warning.Something wasn’t quite right, but he was unable to place what it was. 

“You would know best, of course,” she deferred.“But, I’m -“

Grabbing her jaw cruelly, he brought his face within an inch of hers.“Don’t you dare say you’re no one.You’re important to _me_.” 

Her eyes were wide, and she nodded a little in his grip, acknowledging the command. 

“I have the power, I make the choices.‘Appropriateness’ be damned.”Crushing his mouth to hers, he dragged her into his arms.Her lips parted, and he took the opening, sweeping his tongue into her mouth, sliding it hotly against her own.She’d felt so untouchable the past few days, but now, with her soft and warm in his arms, something uncoiled inside him. Ren gentled, cradling her tenderly as they kissed. 

As they parted, she seemed to catch sight of something in the display behind him.“Oh- I’m late!”Wiggling from his hold, Ren watched as she gathered up her datapad and shoved her feet into a pair of dark slippers. 

“Late?”He asked dumbly.What could she possible have to do that he didn’t know about?

“Vicrul and Ap’lek invited me to watch some, er,” a blush crept over her soft face, “‘trashy holodramas’ with them.”Flustered, she gathered her hair into a messy knot on the top of her head. She had soft black lounge pants on, and his old worn sweater.Was she going to simply walk down the halls looking like that?Ren never left in anything but full regalia. 

The thought popped out of his mouth.“Are you going to leave in that?” 

She glanced down at herself.“It’s late.Most of the crew have already retired to quarters.It’s only the night shift.”Her eyes were quizzical.“Is that a problem?” 

Ren hesitated.Was it?Possessiveness was burning a trail down his arms, like he wanted to snatch her back to him.No one but him should see her- see her as she was in their private life. 

A flash of her canine peeked from under her top lips as she chewed nervously at the bottom of her mouth.“I can throw on my training clothes.”As she sped toward the closet, he caught her arm. 

“No, it’s - fine.The _Steadfast_ is our home.For now.”Ren wanted her to be comfortable here.If that included scurrying to meet his female knights in pajamas, well, maybe that would need to change when she was officially his Empress, but not now.“But I’ll take you.”

For the first time in too long, her eyes sparkled with mirth.“You’re going to escort me to a girls night?I can take my lightsaber.I hardly think anyone is going to accost me between our quarters and theirs.” 

Ren shrugged.“You’re late.Let’s go.”He clicked his cape into place and lifted the mask over his head, the mouthpiece hissing into position. 

She had been right.The walk was uneventful, few staff out in the corridors.Most ignored them, going about their duties, surprisingly unconcerned. 

“I prefer the night crew,” she mentioned aloud casually, rubbing her arms furiously.“What I don’t love is the simulated night temperature on this giant metal can.You’d think they were trying to freeze us all to death.”Huffing irritatedly, she continued.“And before you start explaining, yes I know decreased temperature at night is supposed to simulate being on a planet, and it’s better for sleep, and energy conservation for a ship this size.I _know_.I just don’t have to like it.” 

Ren stopped her in the middle of a long, empty hall, slipping his cape off.“Here,” he said, draping and securing it on her shoulders.The black material pooled on the floor around her, making her appear even shorter than she was.Pulling up the corners, she adjusted the giant swath of fabric around her, hooking it into her arms so it didn’t drag.A soft, pleased sigh sounded from her as she nestled into it. 

As she looked up at him, the past and present blurred.The cape became his old, worn quilt.The stark hall faded into the warm, rich earth hues of his hut.His nostrils filled with the damp green smell of dirt, crushing the antiseptic tang of a First Order ship.A pang of longing so sharp it took his breath away hit him, piercing his heart.

“Ren?”Her voice floated up to him, and he realized he’d been standing for some time, staring at her, frozen. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled, and started walking, letting her scurry to keep up with his pace.

They entered the common area of the Knights to find Ushar, Trudgen and Kuruk lounging lazily.All three men startled at Ren’s entrance, but appeared to relax when she came in after him.Was everyone always this tense around him?Even his own Knights?The reaction of fear should be valued, should make him feel confident. 

It didn’t. 

“Hey there, sweet thing,” Ushar drawled, winking.“Don’t you just look cute as a button draped in our Master’s clothes.” 

Ren stiffened as she smiled brilliantly in reply, no trace of hesitation at all as she moved past him into the space. 

Kuruk grunted.“So you’re stealing the clothes off of his back now.Typical female shit.”

“Just because you have the complete inability to understand any type of relationship with a woman, let alone any chivalrous action, does not mean you need to demean an entire gender,” she retorted, chin lifting imperiously despite her innocuous appearance.Then she stuck her tongue out, heading toward the doors that led to Vicrul’s room, disappearing.

“Stars only knows what they’ll be plotting in there,” Trudgen mumbled.“Two of them was enough.Now you’ve let _her_ join.” 

“We still outnumber them,” Ushar said, mouth full of nuts he’d grabbed from the bowl on the low table between them. 

“They’re sneaky,”Kuruk argued.“Numbers are irrelevant.”His cool blue eyes shifted over to Trudgen.“Aren’t you and Vicrul still…?”The question drifted off. 

“Off and on,” Trudgen shrugged. 

Ap’lek appeared, her blonde hair artfully braided down the center of her head, the sides slightly fuzzy with growth.“Ren,” she smiled, inclining her head as she tickled her fingers across his chest.“Afraid we’re going to to tell your girlfriend embarrassing stories about you?” 

“He should be worried about the other way around,” Kuruk commented. 

Ap’lek’s eyes lit up.“Oooh.Fantastic idea.Perhaps we can ply her with some Corellian whisky.”She grabbed a dark bottle from the bar in the corner, headed back in the direction she came.Halting, her eyes narrowed on him slightly, as if she could sense his unease.“We’re just going to watch some holovids.Nothing sinister, I promise.”

“Don’t believe a word of her lies!”Ushar roared dramatically.“Before you know it, your little spitfire will be presiding over the galaxy.” 

Ren smiled under his mask.“Hardly a problem.That’s half the plan already.”

Ap’lek smacked Ushar on the cheek, dislodging some of the snacks he’d packed into his mouth.“Stop stuffing your face.” 

He drummed on his stomach.“You love it, baby.Don’t deny the magnetic attraction between us.” 

She hummed noncommittally, but Ren noted the quick perusal her eyes made over Ushar’s body, and the slight, almost unnoticeable flush that crept to her cheeks.The two had been dancing around one another for almost a decade.Perhaps Ushar was finally wearing her down. 

“Some of us have work to attend to,” Ren sniped, turning to exit.“I’m sure there are more useful things you could be doing rather than lounging about eating.” 

“See ya later, boss.” Ushar called to him just as the doors slid shut behind him, completely unfazed. 

___________________________

Five hours later, Ren was restlessly working on the draft of a speech Anya had sent him.It seemed lately he saw more of his SEAC Anya then he did anyone else.Not that she didn’t continue to do an admirable job, but she was constantly messaging him, asking him questions, shoving datapads in his face for signatures… really, he wouldn’t be able to handle any of it without her. 

That didn’t mean he had to like it.Fidgeting, Ren wondered when she would return from the Knights quarters. He was tempted to go back there now, find her and bring her back to their quarters.The nearness of her was always soothing. 

Briefly, his thoughts drifted to her relationships with the Knights.Due to his continued absence, Ren was aware she spent time with them instead.He hadn’t wanted to stop her.It wasn’t her fault his job was ever increasing in it’s demands. 

Sighing, he grabbed his mask and shoved his feet into his boots.They could tease him later about it, he didn’t care.He wanted her here.

Unlocking the common area, he stepped into the darkness.Everyone had long since gone to sleep.Something he probably should have tried to do.Hesitating, he gazed at each of the doors leading to their quarters.For a moment, he thought of heading back.

The door slid open to reveal Vicrul, looking rumpled from sleep.She seemed to shake off her drowsiness, standing up straighter and gathering the sides of her robe together around her chest protectively.“Ren,” she greeted him with no small amount of confusion, “what- what can I do for you?” 

He shifted uncomfortably.The relationship he had to his Knights was best described as professional.They had become about as close as he would let them be, and he never crossed the boundary into their bedrooms on the _Night Buzzard_ or here, on the _Steadfast_.He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen them in casual clothes.Together they’d terrorized the galaxy.To see one of them in pajamas, just woken from sleep; vulnerable- it was disconcerting for them both.

“Is she here?”Ren asked awkwardly.

Vicrul nodded.“Yes.She’s still asleep.”An uneasy silence stretched for a half a minute before she continued.“It seemed she was tired.We didn’t want to wake her.”Stepping out of the doorway, she motioned for him to enter.

He stepped into the space.There was a bed in the corner, the sheets tangled and half on the floor.A pile of blankets and small pillows was near the couch, abandoned, where he assumed Ap’lek had been, probably now back in her own quarters.Stepping over the snarl of fabrics, his apprentice came into view, curled on her side on the couch, hair splayed over the cushions and armrest above her head, his cape draped over her.Ren watched the smooth rise and fall of her breaths.She hadn’t been sleeping well in their quarters, but here… she was deep in slumber, her face smoothed of any lines of worry or pain.Swallowing, he nodded at Vicrul, moving back to the doorway. 

Stopping with his back to his knight, he said, “When she wakes, tell her to find me.”

Not waiting for an answer, Ren strode back out through the common area and into the corridors of the _Steadfast._


	104. Chapter 104

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

Something shook me awake by the shoulder, and I opened my eyes slowly, blinking with confusion at the unfamiliar room.Ren’s scent surrounded me, but I wasn’t in our bed.Vicrul’s smoky eyes peered at me expectantly.“You alive?Ren barely sleeps, and it’s still early, but he came here looking for you.” 

My chest tightened, and I scrambled up.Had he been angry with her?When had I fallen asleep?“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, searching for my shoes. 

“Shit, don’t be sorry,” she laughed. “Everyone needs sleep.”

“No, for- was he upset?”I asked nervously.

Vicrul frowned.“Upset?No, I don’t think so.He just said that you should find him when you woke up.Figured you’d want to get back before first shift started.” 

I nodded.“Thank you.”Grabbing Ren’s cloak, I hurried out of her room, scurrying through the common area.

“Running back to Daddy?”Kuruk called behind me, insolence dripping from every word.

Stopping myself short, I turned to face him.“What kind of sick kinks _do_ you have?” 

A ferocious grin ripped across his face.“Too many to count, darling.Certainly none you could handle.”

“Ugh,” I said, disgusted.Kuruk and I had found an easy truce, but he was my least favorite of all the Knights. 

His laugher followed me partway down the first hall.Sprinting into the lift before it could closebehind one of the sanitation staff, we had an awkward ride together until he stepped off on a lower floor.Bolting out of the enclosure, I skidded down the hall and into our quarters, gasping for air. 

Ren was seated at his desk, looking haggard, deep circles etched under his eyes.Had he stayed up all night?“I fell asleep,” I began in explanation, ready to head off any problems between us.An old pattern.I found myself resenting my reaction, how quick I’d been to rush back to him.

“Yes, I saw that,” he replied dismissively.“Interesting how comfortable you’ve become in the company of my Knights.”He pinned me with a cool stare. “And how fond they all seem to be of you.” 

Irritation flashed hot in my veins.“What is _that_ supposed to mean?”Dropping his cape onto a chair, I advanced toward him.“You’re barely here most of the time, you have Cardo completing most of my training, I have no other responsibilities or duties to attend to— what else do you expect me to be doing?Knitting?!” Steadily my voice had raised in pitch and volume. 

“I was here all night,” he countered.“Yet, you were not.”

My shoulders tensed, and a hot breath huffed out of me.“Are you actually mad because I’ve made some friends?Really?You just want me languishing here waiting for you to have time for me?I’m done with that, Ren.I’m not going to sit around waiting for people to want me.”

“Do not mistake them to be friends,” he warned. 

Pressing my lips together angrily, I stared at him.“They’re just people.I’ve gotten to know them pretty well over the past few weeks.Throw whatever label you want on it, I don’t care.It’s better than being alone all the time.” 

“I hardly expected you to be so needy.” 

Closing my eyes, I tried to find my center.He was lashing out because he was upset.This was familiar.All I needed to do was - was - the voice in my head was gone, the kind and calm narration of how I should fix it. 

I wanted chaos.I wanted to fight.I wanted to lash out, hurt him back.My hand itched for my lightsaber.His lightsaber, rather.I didn’t even have my own. Nothing belonged to me.I’d come to him with the clothes on my back and some Jedi texts.A small trunk of worn possessions. I had no credits to my name, I was totally dependent on him.I hated it.I hated him. 

I couldn’t control the building inferno, my vision darkening at the edges, colors muting. 

The blade was in my hand without me even thinking it, and I was halfway to his position, ready to attack.But he stopped the blade with a wave of his hand, my blow coming up against an invisible barrier.He called the blade to him and disarmed it as he shoved me against the wall, one hand at my neck, the rest of his huge body braced against mine. 

It was so easy for him, he’d barely tried and here I was, helpless.Again. 

“There it is,” he said triumphantly, yellow sparking in the amber of his eyes, “I’ve been wondering when you were going to show me.”

Chills were racing up and down my spine, and I struggled against him, my heart pounding in my chest.“Show you what?”I snarled.

Something crashed behind me in the fresher, and an object sailed into his grip.A hand mirror.He thrust it between us, forcing me to stare at the reflection.My eyes shattered through with gold and red.

Time seemed to stop.I thought, had thought, over the past few days things were better.The numbness and anger had retreated, some warmth had flowed back into my body.I’d questioned if what I’d done, the choice I’d made, had really happened.Logically, I knew it had, felt the power sitting inside me, cold and pure.But everything since had been so uneventful there were times I’d convinced myself it was only a dream.Or, rather, a nightmare. 

The old me would never have rushed into anger this quickly, never would have struck out at him in violence.I would have tried to understand why he was upset, asked to hear the reasons for his hurt.Now, I’d only been consumed by my own emotions.I hadn’t cared how he felt.

 _I hadn’t cared how he felt._ Something released inside me at the realization, like a pair of shackles I hadn’t been aware I’d been wearing. 

**You are the only thing that matters.Other’s needs are negligible.**

Had there ever been more than a few moments in my life where I hadn’t thought of other people’s needs?Sensed injuries, worried over my parents, considered the impact of my actions?Agonized over Master’s Luke’s acceptance, Ben’s approval?Something close to hysteria seized me, and I began to laugh.A full, almost desperate, body shaking laugh.Ren frowned.It only made me cackle harder. 

Gasping in a breath, I said, “I don’t care.”The incredulity of the statement, the absurdity of it.I always cared.It was what I did.Who I was.He let go of me slowly, still confused.This was not the reaction he’d expected. 

“I don’t care,” I repeated out loud, listening to my voice say the words again. 

“You don’t care..”Ren started, trailing off to elicit me to finish my thought. 

“I don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t have to.”A weight lifted from my shoulders.No more burdens.Grabbing him, I kissed him fiercely and quickly, pulling apart to smile at him.“Thank you.”

His arms wrapped around my waist, and he was studying my face with concern and wariness.“For what?” 

I reached up on tiptoe, and he leaned down to meet me partway, my lips brushing against his ear.“I’m free,” I whispered.The power of the words seemed to expand inside my body, thrills chasing along my nerve endings. 

Whatever I wanted, regardless of consequence, was open to me now.The entire galaxy.I already knew I could rule it, he’d said as much.I could sit beside him and we could wield unmatched influence.Or not.Those were his responsibilities.Maybe I would leave, do something else.It no longer mattered. 

Hooking my arms around his neck, I leapt up, wrapping my legs around his waist.“Fuck me,” I said, my eyes level with his.Uncertainty and desire warred in his expression.“Do I need to ask twice?” I taunted.I’d never defeat him outright, or overpower him.But I could get what I wanted in other ways. 

I briefly felt weightless as Ren tossed me onto the bed, growling at me to take my clothes off. 

Laughing, I stripped, no thoughts of self-doubt or self-consciousness plaguing me.He’d shucked his pants off, was already half on top of me as I ripped my bra off, his strong hands pulling my legs apart and sliding under my ass to angle me to him.His dick slid into me, and I gripped his shoulders, arching into him, encouraging him deeper, rougher. 

It was a wild game of lust, an urgent race to finish, hands and mouths desperate on skin, breathing echoing off the walls.We hit the edge together, moans of pleasure muffled, faces buried in each others shoulders. 

Ren’s eyes were feral on mine as he lifted his head from the crook of my neck.“You’re mine.”

“I’m yours,” I replied. 

A lie.It was what he wanted to hear. 

Now, for the first time, I belonged only to myself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) I am shooting for another update in about two weeks. Then maybe a small Christmas update. I really thought I'd have this thing done by the end of the year, but apparently I'm just having too much fun with it.
> 
> As always, comments/kudos are appreciated! Thank you for reading.


	105. Chapter 105

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> General Pryde POV (short)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I'm back with an update for the New Year. My apologies for the lack of a second update in December. The holidays derailed my writing time.

Allegiant General Pryde carefully paced in the executive conference room.The number of attacks on Coruscant over the past two weeks was deeply unsettling.He’d sent the reports to the Supreme Leader, but the man had seemed distracted- not so much in that he was shirking his duties- the Supreme Leader would never do such a thing.The last two years had proven his devotion to the cause.But, something had changed. 

Pryde would blame the girl, but after the display at the Council meeting concerning Hux’s treachery, it appeared she was more of an asset than he’d estimated.The Supreme Leader had been wise to take her under his wing, train her, twist her loyalty. 

The subject of his thoughts strode in, his stature ever imposing, the red lines of his mask glinting in the harsh light.The apprentice followed, diminutive in comparison, but no less deadly.Pryde had adjusted his behavior towards her in response to her growing power and influence with their soon to be Emperor. 

“Your Knights?”Pryde inquired.Typically they were the ones who accompanied him to these sorts of briefings. 

“They won’t be joining us today, General.” 

Pryde took a seat, lowering the lights in the room and activating a holovid feed.“Here are the last four attacks.We have not been able to trace these back to the Resistance.It appears to be the crime families.Unusual, as we have not had issues with them for some time.They tend to stay in the Outer Rim, and we have lightly indulged their activities.” 

“It appears that strategy is no longer working,” the apprentice commented, her eyes carefully tracking the movements projected between them.Her face was illuminated only by the light from the projection, her face soft and pale beneath her cowl.Sweet, even. 

“Indeed,” Pryde acknowledged.“We had thought it to be an isolated incident at first, perhaps aturf war, maybe some new player trying to impress or gain traction.However, as you can see…”

“The attacks are deliberately inflammatory,” Ren said.

Pryde nodded.“They’ve hit areas we’ve expended a great deal of effort re-invigorating.They’ve terrorized sections of the surface where families that have well established ties to us reside.”

“This cannot be permitted to continue,” she said, her gaze turning to rest on Ren.“You’ve designated Coruscant as the First Planet.To have this type of issue reflects badly on your rule.Not to mention the security nightmare for the upcoming coronation.”

Pryde smiled.A loyal, goal-oriented apprentice.Ren had instructed the Council to allow her access to the meeting minutes and other pertinent information.It seemed she paid it mind. 

“Suggestions?”Ren’s question buzzed through the mask. 

Her attention pivoted back.“General, I read you obtained some intel on the possible next point of attack.Has that been verified?”

“Indeed.Our information is confirmed by several trusted sources.”Pryde replied, steepling his fingers together.He appreciated the question, and felt a sense of satisfaction at the massive web of informants they had built.They were rarely wrong.

“The General’s network of spies is admirable,” Ren commented.

She paused to think.“My recommendation is we handle this personally.”The holovid continued on a loop.“It doesn’t appear the attacks will give us much trouble.Perhaps we can get more intel directly from the source.”

“I believe that is an excellent plan.I have seen what your Knights can do, Supreme Leader.I can’t deny the thought of seeing the two of you handle this issue first hand is - invigorating.”Pryde shifted in his chair. “However, should you wish for us to handle it as we have been, I would be more than pleased to continue to assess this issue.”

“No.”Ren’s face turned to look at his apprentice.“This will be an excellent training opportunity.My apprentice will engage the terrorists.I will offer support as needed.”

She couldn’t hide the surprise from her face. 

“Excellent,” Pryde said.“We will head directly for Coruscant.I will send you all pertinent intel on the matter.”

“General,” Ren inclined his head, just a bare fraction of movement. 

Pryde felt his chest swell.Things were going swimmingly.His continued efforts were noted by the Supreme Leader, the Council was focused on coronation and further expansion, and now this new recruit would display her talents for the galaxy to see.To have the Supreme Leader hold such powers was a boon, and his Knights were a force, but the addition of yet another with these terrifying abilities would reflect well on them. 

Indeed, they would continue to be feared.He stood, tapping his heels together and saluting.“Supreme Leader.” 

As he exited, he felt more confident than ever in the supremacy of the First Order.They would succeed where the Empire had failed. 


	106. Chapter 106

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe POV

Poe had lied, of course.At the first opportunity, he’d jumped into an X-wing and done something rash. 

Connix had spoken with the leaders of the Pyke crime syndicate, and they were about to raise hell on Coruscant again. 

There’d been four separate attacks now.Enough to capture the attention of high command.It was rumored that Ren would be coming down to handle the insurrection himself.When Poe had seen the report from Connix, he had no doubt his girl would be with Ren.If the last few encounters with her were any indication, her training had come too far for her to be wasted, especially on a mission like this one.If there was anything the First Order hated, it was waste of talent.It simply wouldn’t be efficient. 

Poe couldn’t help but worry slightly.The group who agreed to attack had Mandalorians- former Death Watch no less - on their payroll.If anyone could put up a fight against a Jedi, or whatever it was the two of them considered themselves now, it was a Mandalorian. 

But it wasn’t the crime syndicates hired guns he’d been tracking- it was Ren.Somewhere, the two of them lay in wait.Poe could hear distant blaster fight, could see smoke from a fire- perhaps a bomb.The action was slowly being herded toward them.Poe hadn’t yet seen her, but he knew she was close.He _felt_ she was close. 

After what seemed like an hour, a scruffy Quarren tripped into the small market square, his glances frantic, looking for a way out. 

She flowed out of the darkened alleyway like smoke, movements smooth and sinuous.This had been the difference he’d noted that day she’d met Lilah.Poe imagined her voice held the odd tone again.The voice he was used to had a lightness, rich with emotion.As she ignited her lightsaber, he knew the red light winked in flat, cold eyes.He also knew, somewhere underneath the black clothes and cool stare, the person he’d known was still there. 

The contingent of Stormtroopers had managed to drive the remaining combatants away from the main area and straight into a trap.There was no escape, troopers behind them, her in front.The odd twist of streets formed a dead end. 

It was mesmerizing the way she fought now.Poe would never have believed it, but here it was right in front of his own eyes.The group posed no threat to her.It appeared effortless.Ren wasn’t even engaging, almost hidden in the shadow of the building- watching his apprentice.The stormtroopers had fanned out to create a perimeter, blocking in the assailants, but they too were still now, waiting for the order to attack again. 

There were gloves on her hands, leather, similar to Ren’s.Thick soled boots laced up the front of her calves, stopping just below the knee, providing traction on the tiled square.Her unarmed hand flew outward, three men flying into the wall across from her, slumping unconscious from the force of the impact. She’d already made quick work of a half a dozen others. 

Just as she turned to finish the few remaining, Poe heard the sound of jet packs.The Mandalorians.Ren stepped out of the buildings shadow, igniting his blade.They all went straight for her, one grabbing her, jets firing harder as they both lifted off the ground.She thrashed and wiggled, attempting to dislodge the hold on her, but they climbed quickly into the sky. 

Crawling up the slippery armor like one of the jungle creatures from Ajan Kloss, she grabbed the helmet.He couldn’t track the battle, both too far away and too fast for his binoculars to follow.Squinting against the sun, he was barely able to make out what was happening.Suddenly, something shifted, the jet pack sputtering, sending them forward, toward his position.Poe dropped the binoculars. 

She’d broken the Mandalorian’s neck, was falling with him toward the ground, jamming her leg on the pack on his back.Was she trying to dislodge it- restart it?Panic seized him, unwarranted as she leapt skillfully off the dead man, landing easily. 

Right on the building across from him.

“What are you doing here?”She snarled at him, panting.“And who the _hell_ are these guys?”Traversing the space between the two buildings with a leap, she eyed him dispassionately. 

She’d told him not to trust her, but Poe ignored it.He’d sought _her_ out, not the other way around.“Mandalorians.Looks like a few of them have a full suit of Beskar.It will repel blaster shots, and I’m almost sure it can take a swing from your lightsaber.”He moved toward her, careful to avoid the red hum of her weapon.Slowly, he settled a hand on her shoulder.“Come away with me.” 

Swearing under her breath, she ignored him and turned her attention back to where Ren was fighting with three assailants.“I was supposed to take care of this on my own.I’ll never hear the end of it now.”Her head whipped back to him, accusatorially.“Did you have anything to do with this?”

“No,” Poe said easily.He hadn’t had anything to do with it, technically.Stepping closer, he let his lips rest next to her temple.“I came to bring you back home.”

Her spine went rigid, but she turned her face slightly into his, and he heard her slow inhale.“I don’t have a home,” she whispered.“I’ve never really had one.”

“You could have a home with me.”He knew it needed to be quick, that Ren would notice her extended absence.They needed to leave. 

She backed away, her eyes meeting his, face in shadow.There was no small amount of pain in them.“He’d find me again.Find you.”Suddenly, his hand held only air.“Don’t come for me again,” she hissed, and took a running start to leap back between buildings, headed back to the site of the initial attack.

Heart sinking, Poe sighed.He’d known it would take more than one try.Yet still a part of him had held out hope she would walk away immediately, without a backward glance. 

Raising his binoculars again, Poe resigned himself to watching the rest of the confrontation.It was difficult.He’d read stories about Mandalorians, but he’d never seen them in action.A clear display of how they had held out for so long against the Jedi was happening right in front of him.

A grappling line took her by surprise, wrapping around her body and trapping her saber, leaving her struggling as she was dragged closer to her attacker by his vambrace.Ren broke away from his own fight to release the line with a flick of his weapon, grabbing the end of it with his free hand and pulling the Mandalorian to him with shocking ease.When the man raised his arm to block the incoming attack from Ren’s lightsaber, he deftly sunk the blade into a weak point- a joint beneath the arm.

Poe grimaced.She had recovered and switched opponents with Ren, but he’d been fighting two Mandalorians to her one, and the odds were not in her favor.He bailed her out a second time, pivoting to distract her second assailant.A repulser beam knocked her down, and she lost the grip she had on her weapon.She threw a hand up, stopping the downward swing of the attack bearing down on her with an invisible wall, teeth gritted from effort.With her free hand she called the saber back to her and stumbled upward, doggedly slashing at the armor with little impact. 

Meanwhile, Ren had made quick work of his battle, a single Force-choke ending the fight.He had disarmed and was watching her struggle from the sidelines.Poe felt his jaw tick with tension. 

The final Mandalorian appeared to notice his brethren’s defeat and shot up from the ground, jet pack roaring.She made to go after her prey, but Ren grabbed her arm, stopping her.Shoving the cowl back from her face she gesturing angrily at the sky, glaring up into the mask the towered over her. 

Ren slipped the helmet off, his face lined with frustration.Suddenly, his arm snaked out, grabbing her to his body.She struggled against him, whipping away when he tried to kiss her.Poe clenched his teeth.Ren’s other hand buried itself at the base of her skull, forcing her to face him.Something shifted between them, and he lifted her.

It was torture, watching Ren’s hands on her body, her mouth on his.The way she touched her forehead to his, closing her eyes.The tenderness of it was shocking.The change that had come over her had been immediate, the tension of her irritation melting away as her focus narrowed only to the monster standing in front of her. 

Poe still couldn’t understand how she cared for Ren.What she possibly saw in him.It had to be an old affection, blinding her to the person he was now.Ben Solo, well- Poe had no doubt he could have been a kind man.One she would have fallen for- but not Kylo Ren.This man was the opposite of everything his parents had ever fought for, what Poe’s parents had fought for.

Without warning, blaster fire erupted.Poe’s heart almost stopped, fearful neither of them would react in time.

That turned out to be a foolish concern.Like he’d seen all those years ago, blaster bolts hung in the air, halfway to their targets.The men who fired them were frozen.Poe remembered that feeling, helpless and unable to move his own body.A shudder ran through him. 

They had done this together.At the sound of the blasters, Ren had pivoted them toward their attackers, and each had a hand outstretched-the movement synchronized.He hadn’t even bothered to put her down.

Her words came back to him then.

_The primary objective should be to kill Ren and me as quickly as possible.The longer you wait, the more of a threat we’ll be._

In this moment, there was no doubt of the twin threat they posed.Ren let her slide down his body, releasing her to walk slowly toward the assailants, her hand still outstretched.Poe wondered how much of the power was hers that held the men and the bolts frozen.She’d almost moved out of his sight, but he could just make out both men dangling slightly above the ground.Choking to death. 

Eventually, she let the bodies slump to the ground, lifeless.Poe had known Ren was ruthless, but seeing what she was capable of first hand was disturbing.How someone as kind as she was could be twisted into cruelty was terrifying.Sauntering back to Ren, she spoke to him for a moment before they both turned to leave. 

Poe rested his head on the hard tiles of the roof, closing his eyes.Getting her back was going to be harder than he’d anticipated.For the first time, Poe pondered if she even wanted to return.Maybe the feelings she’d seemed to have for him were smoke and mirrors.They’d had no time to even entertain the possibility of being together.Not when Ren was still around. 

Maybe that was his answer.She cared more for Ren than him.It seemed an impossible thing, to choose that even over - well, over anyone.Poe knew he wasn’t a great catch, but even he’d thought it would be no contest.Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader, Jedi Killer— or Poe Dameron, Hero Pilot of the Resistance?Clearly she’d felt the former was the better choice.

Sighing, he stretched his shoulders and considered his plan to make it back to the Resistance.At the very least, he had intel to offer.Only one Mandalorian had gotten away from the fight, and who knew if he’d return to those who’d hired him.Poe wouldn’t blame the man if he simply disappeared.It was going to be hard for Connix to convince anyone to go against the First Order for very long.No doubt at least part of the encounter would be splashed across the galaxy as proof of what happened when you tested them. 

Feet feeling heavy with disappointment and worry, Poe headed back to his ship alone. 


	107. Chapter 107

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

“You let the _pilot_ distract you!”Ren roared at me once we’d walked back into our quarters on the _Steadfast_.“You were slow, hesitated multiple times, allowed them to _disarm_ you!”

I froze.He’d been so distracted with the fight, overwhelmed by the mental noise of the planet, I’d been sure he hadn’t noticed Poe.Foolish.He’d been using me to anchor his mind.Of course he’d known about the entire exchange. 

Had he put out an order for capture?My heart skipped a beat. 

**_You don’t care._ **

_I don’t care.I don’t care._ Repeating it again as a mantra, the anxiety faded.It didn’t matter what happened to any of them- I belonged to myself.Worrying would get me nothing but pain. 

“I’ve never encountered a Mandalorian before, Ren.I didn’t even know what the hell they were!It had nothing to do with him.I ascertained he was no threat, had no knowledge of the attacks, and I came back to finish the fucking job.”At least it was the truth. 

“I finished the job.You failed.”

“Fine.Whatever.Drill it into me in training.Now that I know their capabilities, I won’t make the same mistake twice.”Restless energy was rolling through me in waves and I was gasping for air, barely treading water. 

“I would hope not.You should have captured him.”

“I had more pressing matters to attend to- and might I add, since you knew, you could have gone over and taken him.So I think this falls on both our heads.”A fair question- why hadn’t he?

“It was an experiment.” 

Whirling angrily, I poked the center of his chest with my finger.“Stop with the experiments and the tests!I’m _here_!Isn’t that enough for you?”

“Do you still care for him?”This question was softer, a hint of vulnerability lurking in his tone.

Steeling myself, I answered.“No.”Another lie to add to the pile.I was trying to hold on to the feeling of freedom from the other morning, the sweet release of not caring about anyone but myself.I continued to tell myself, logically, it was the best course of action.Keeping my own head attached to my body was going to be difficult enough.My past self needed to stay just where it was - behind me. 

A headache licked at my temples.I pressed my fingers to them, massaging firmly, shutting my eyes against the blue light of the ship.A pair of warm hands slipped over mine, nudging in and taking over the motions against my head.I was dimly aware Ren and I were still connected, that he’d failed to completely sever the link once we’d left Coruscant. 

I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.Hiding things from him in this state was almost impossible.There was only a tiny fraction of my mind which felt private, like a trap door to a small, dark place.Everything I didn’t want him to know lived there.Even the thoughts I had about the link itself occurred in that claustrophobia. 

Slipping back out, I concentrated on the feel of his skin against mine, tried to loosen my jaw and smooth the frown from my face.I let my mind wander back to the fight, a reel of images flashing behind my eyes.Ren was correct, I’d hesitated too often, allowed my weapon to be taken from me- sloppy mistakes.It simply wouldn’t do.If I were to survive, I needed to be a warrior.Dispassionate, merciless. 

Opening my eyes, I stared into his face.He appeared calm now.The way he was looking at me- I squirmed in discomfort.To assume it was tender was dangerous.

“Is it so hard to believe what I feel for you?” 

“Yes,” the answer was past my lips the same time it echoed in my mind.He was unpredictable. There were things between us now.Violent things.Tenderness didn’t seem to match with what we were now. 

“We can be whatever we want,” he countered my thoughts.“Whatever you want,” he added, and I felt the longing to please me as if it were my own.It was overwhelming being tied to him this way for so long.I wanted to leave. 

He frowned.“You want to leave?” 

“No.Yes.No.I’m - I’m just tired,” I answered.Everything felt exhausting, each day an argument with myself.I was at the bottom of a deep well. 

“An argument about what?” 

I pushed him away.“Stop.”My attempt to sever the connection failed, pain whipping through me.“You’re hurting me.” 

Instantly my mind was my own again.The headache faded.Startled at his immediate response to my distress, I paused.His hands lingered at my temples, one falling to trace the curve of my ear, the downward slope of my neck. 

Outrage blazed through me and I shoved his hands away, taking several steps backward.He didn’t get to be kind now.I didn’t want it.Sparks were dancing under my skin, edgy fire racing through my body.

**Fight.**

Ren tried to approach me, his intent to reconnect clear; concern in his gaze.Where had that concern been before?When he was pushing and pushing me to take those last steps over the edge into the dark, uncaring it wasn’t what I truly wanted.But I was stuck here now.I’d killed those Resistance members with his lightsaber, slain dozens of random mercenaries on Coruscant.I hadn’t been someone who killed before. 

Could I even heal anymore?Or had he taken that from me as well?

A feral snarl sounded in the silence, from my lips.“This is all your fault.” 

The years of hiding, of heartbreak, of fear.Never trusting myself to get close to anyone again.Even if I had, the thought of him coming for me was always in my mind.What choices would I have made without the threat of him hanging over me at every second?I’d only joined the Resistance out of necessity, which had only made it worse.I’d gone ever further into myself, couldn’t reveal any of my true past. 

Tears filled my eyes, but not from sadness.They were hot, spilling freely down my flushed cheeks. Caring about Ren had ruined me.The choice had been mine, I owned that.But I was a different person now.I couldn’t go back- just like he couldn’t.He’d trapped me here with him. 

I shoved at his broad chest, hard.It barely moved him.“Do you have anything to say for yourself?”I hissed.

Ren looked gobsmacked, his palms up in surrender as I continued to pummel at him.Easily, he blocked my clumsy, tear-stricken assault.“I-,” he began, “I don’t understand.You have power now, just I promised.We can rule the galaxy, do anything we want— “

“I didn’t need power!”I screamed.“I had it- I had it in my own way!I survived on Nar Shaddaa, I’ve saved people who otherwise would have died.And maybe I could have done other things, but I was too busy hiding from you to explore any of my own potential!!” My voice was a roar, pulled from somewhere in my gut.“It’s all your fault!” 

Rage sparked in his eyes, a wash of yellow-gold.“All _my_ fault?Don’t tell me you didn’t want it, little one.I saw the way you enjoyed the fight with Kuruk.You asked me to show you the power of the Dark.You chose to call me Master.I didn’t force you to do any of that.” 

“There wasn’t really any other choice!”I yelled back.“I saw what happened - “Images of Ren, glancing coldly at my future self, the lack of love for our children cycling in my mind.Numbness slid through my limbs.“I should have let you kill me.I saw the vision.I could have chosen that path.”A flash of red, crackling - it’s all it would have taken. 

He slammed me up against the wall, his hand at my throat.“I never would have killed you- never.” 

“Oh?”I said mockingly eyes flicking to our position.“I can think of several occasions where a different reaction from me would have led to that outcome.”

His chest was heaving, eyes wild and desperate.Something truly sinister bubbled in me as I watched his temper come off it’s leash, and I allowed the words to spill out.“After all, you did kill your own father.”

The room’s temperature went sub-arctic.Time seemed to stop as his gaze drilled into mine, becoming flat; the humanity draining out.“You were nothing before me.”His statement felt like a physical blow, my chest contracting painfully, air whooshing out through my lips.

“I was fine before you,” I spat defiantly. 

“Right.” He laughed dismissively.“Poor, uneducated, working at a hospital on Corellia in a dead-end job.Wasting your talent.You were lucky Luke found you, - but you weren’t enough to hold his attention.I took you on.Trained you.Any small skill you had after belonged to me.”His hand tightened around my throat.“And now, _apprentice_ ,” the word was hissed like an insult, “everything you are is thanks to my training.Thank your stars everyday for my endless patience with your ineptitude.” 

He dropped me suddenly, my legs falling out from under me, knees hitting the floor with a crack. 

“This will be the position I expect to find you I every time I enter a room.” 

“I’d rather be -,” my words were cut off, and I struggled to get up.Furious, I pushed against his power, but no matter how much emotion I poured into it, I couldn’t speak or move.He knelt in front of me, and pushed my face up until my eyes met his. 

“Maybe one day you’ll manage to overpower me.But by the time it happens, you won’t want to.”Ren said in a soft tone, stroking the underside of my chin.A delicate frisson of pleasure raced down my body.“Now, what do we say?” 

“Yes, Master.” The words burned like acid in my mouth.

“Excellent.”He released me.“Remember your place.” 

He left me then, kneeling on the floor of our quarters, impotent rage blossoming in my heart.


	108. Chapter 108

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Their quarters were empty again- no evidence she’d come back at all during the day; only silence greeting him.It reminded him of what his life felt like before he’d sensed her, before the Knights had tracked her down and brought her to him. 

Ren knew where to find her.Where she always was now, since their last fight.They’d each said things - well, at least _he’d_ said things he wished he hadn’t.He couldn’t be sure of her.At first, he argued to himself his reaction was justified.She had baited him. 

Cool perfection was all he picked up from her now.Even in bed, she was somehow absent.The attraction hadn’t faded, the physical pleasure just as intense as ever.But Ren couldn’t escape the sense he wasn’t actually touching _her_ anymore.She was a stranger.In the mornings, she gathered herself efficiently, not a hair out of place, her face no longer giving anything away.Just as he’d asked, she knelt before him. 

Finally, he’d loosened the protocol again.It wasn’t as it had been, and there was no pleasure in her submission. 

When Ren entered, they were all in the common area, conversation ceasing the moment he walked through the doors.He couldn’t help the way his eyes greedily searched her out, was glad his mask was still on so they wouldn’t see the desperation on his face.The need. 

She was lying on the floor, her butt against the base of the couch, legs lazily swinging above her.Still in her black training clothes, her hair was loose, splayed out behind her.Vicrul was absently toying with the strands using one hand, seated upright on the floor and leaning against Trudgen’s leg.Ushar was in his usual chair, Ap’lek behind him, peering over his shoulder to look at something on the datapad in his hand.

Kuruk and Cardo were playing Sabacc in the corner, and Cardo waved in greeting, his eyes remaining intent on the game.Even his relationship with the red-haired knight had suffered in the past two weeks.Ren knew Cardo was disappointed, sometimes worried. 

He felt completely at a loss, but shoved the feeling of unease away, finally lifting his mask off and heading over to her.Leaning over the top of the couch, he peered down at her as he pushed her feet to the side. 

“Master,” she greeted.“What can we do for you?”

He steeled himself. Here again was the cavern between them Ren had no idea how to cross.So far he’d continued to play along with her distant sarcasm.“Is that the royal ‘we’, apprentice?I don’t recall making you a Knight.”

“Of course she’s not one of us,” Vicrul answered with a roll of her eyes.“She’s _Mistress Ren, -_ isn’t that right, Cardo?” 

Cardo wisely pretended not to hear the conversation. 

“Sounds kinda dirty to me,” Ushar commented.“What doth our lady command of us today?”

Ren watched her smile cheekily.“For the two of you,” she waved a hand between Ushar and Ap’lek, “to just get on with it already and put the rest of us out of our misery.”

Kuruk barked out a laugh.

Ushar grabbed at his heart, tilting his head to glance up at Ap’lek.“Our lady sees the unconsummated love that burns between us!” 

“Ugh- you’re _encouraging him_ ,” Ap’lek complained, smacking Ushar’s head and moving away from him to collapse on the sofa.“Just because _you’re_ getting dicked every night doesn’t mean you need to matchmake.” 

Ren tried to hide his reaction.Did she talk about their sex life with his knights?As if she heard his thought, her eyes slid over to his with a wink.The conversation was getting out of hand. 

“I thought it was time we found you a kyber crystal.Although, due to your insolence..” Ren let moment hang, saw her interest was peaked by his offer.Bringing her legs down, she shimmied to sitting and crawled up on the couch beside Ap’lek, her knees on the cushions to bring her face closer to his. 

“My apologies,” she whispered, licking her lips and parting them slightly, gazing up at him sweetly through her eyelashes. 

Emboldened by the casual intimacies he’d walked in on, Ren brought his arms around her and scooped her over the back of the couch, settling her to stand in front of him.He felt the knights watching with interest, but he found he couldn’t stop himself from touching her, softening toward her. 

Lowering his lips to her ear, he whispered, “I want some time alone with you, away from all this.”His hand crawled under the hem of her tunic, resting on the bare skin at the small of her back. 

Her cool facade seemed to crack a little at his words, at the tender way he cradled her, and he had a brief glimpse into her thoughts.She’d been so very careful since the fight.It was only the presence of the knights that stopped him from reeling back in alarm. 

She was a mess.Just like him, her mind was warring with itself, darker impulses whispering against her better nature.Even more concerning was the fact her split was not as even as his own, the shadow much stronger in her mind. 

Too many things seemed to happen at once within him, Ren slamming down his mental shields to avoid anyone sensing the disconcerting seismic shift.Regret, shame, compassion all flooded through him. 

He loved her too much to drag her down this way.He was shocked by this thought, his easy use of the word.But the sentiment rang true.Ever since her return, he’d found it easier, at least internally, to feel those things he’d been avoiding for so long.In his stubbornness and selfishness, he’d pushed her, refused to move toward her.To move toward her meant he had to truly face what he had done, the choices he had made. 

He’d been a coward.She’d paid the price. 

Cardo had been right. _Luke_ had been right.Ren had achieved what he’d wished for, but the outcome was a horror.He may not be able to change who he had become, but it wasn’t to late to fix what he’d broken in her.Somewhere deep inside, he knew he could pull her back.She would never be the same, but at the very least he owed her this. 

Then he needed to send her far away.Away from _him_.The fear threatened to swamp him, the terror of abandonment, of loneliness, the endless time stretching before him.Ruling alone, stuck in a den of vipers, constantly worried about threats to his power. 

Ren knew he could never go back, never face his mother again.But she could.

But first, he would be selfish for just a bit longer.It was part of who he was.He would help her find a kyber crystal and complete her training, coaxing her back to herself in the process.Only then would he send her away.His fate was clear.There would be no forgiveness for him, for all the things he had done.Ren would not allow her to go down with him. 

Although it seemed to him an eternity had passed, only a few short seconds had ticked by.Ren often wondered what it would be like, if he ever managed to wrest control of his own demons and try to right his wrongs. 

There was no huge epiphany, only quiet understanding.What he’d done to her might be the only mistake he could correct. 

Ren was sure he would falter, be tempted to keep her with him, become angry or say things he didn’t mean in the process, but it would not impact the outcome.He would send her back to his mother, to Commander Dameron, to people who would care for her and help her.

Kissing her gently, he entwined one of his hands with hers and led her toward the exit.The knights were silent, their curiosity thick in the air around him.Ren didn’t bother to put the mask back on as he guided her into the corridor.It would no longer be necessary.He gazed down at her and smiled. 

She tripped over seemingly nothing, and he chuckled, catching her before she could plummet face first into the gleaming floors. “We can leave as soon as you’re packed.”

“Where-“ he heard her hard swallow, “where are we going?” 

“The Empire and the First Order have long been strip mining kyber crystals.I know a place where they sell them.For exorbitant prices, of course.If we don’t find one, we’ll move on to another location.”

“Another location?”

“Yes.”Ren didn’t offer more.He hadn’t wanted the First Order to know there was an untouched cave of kyber crystals.It seemed he’d been omitting information for awhile- almost working against himself in the process. 

They stepped into the lift, her hand still grasped firmly in his.“Will we- I mean, are we taking troopers with us?”Her mind was noisily humming about the logistics of the Supreme Leader of the First Order going anywhere without security or fanfare. 

He glanced down at her.“No.We’ll be going as ourselves.”They both needed a reminder of who they’d been.He could have taken her back to Mustafar - he had crystals there; but it was too dangerous a place for her now.The shadow there was strong, would only call her further from herself. 

“Ourselves?”A delicate frown marred her features.“But, you’re -“

“- I’ll be just another person.”He interrupted.“I think we can manage to be just two people traveling the galaxy for a little while.” 

The lift doors slid open, and he started out, but she was firmly planted.Her eyes squinted at him.“Is this a test?A trick?” 

It was fair, her reaction.“No test.No trick.”He leaned against the door, holding the lift on their floor while she bit her lip, examining his face. 

“People will still recognize…” her words drifted off as she raised her own hand to the side of his cheek.Since the aftermath of Starkiller base when he had gone unmasked for a time, his face - which had been widely speculated about - had finally been revealed to the masses.Those loyal to the First Order had called him a dark prince, pleased the mask had hidden an almost imperial handsomeness.Others had used it as proof of the old adage “looks can be deceiving” and spoke of evil disguised beneath a beatific facade.No one seemed bothered by the scar, but it was easily identifiable. 

He’d never understood why anyone thought he was handsome.His face was - odd.

Ren nodded.“I have yet another mask.”She finally stepped out of the lift past him, and he followed her in their quarters. 

She stopped just inside the entrance, turning to face him.“So, who are these two people who wander the galaxy?”

“Ben Amidala is a criminal archeologist with a special interest in ancient weapons and Jedi artifacts,” he answered easily.“It’s how I continued my work after - after I left.”He’d done much of it with the help of the Knights, but some had been on his own. Snoke had surprisingly continued to foster his interest, although he expanded it to include the Sith as well as the Jedi.“Amidala was my grandmother’s name.” 

Something wistful crossed her face.“You always loved history, coming back from a mission with something old and mysterious.”

“I bored you half to death,” he muttered, feeling suddenly embarrassed. 

“No.I was- you were so sad all the time, underneath.You weren’t in those moments.”The reply was quiet, her eyes downcast as she fled from him into the closet to pack. 

It would be difficult to build trust with her again in such a short amount of time, but he wouldn’t fail. 

No matter the cost to himself. 


	109. Chapter 109

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

Everything was off balance.I’d thought I was decided; the embrace of my shadow was complete.It had started to feel normal, almost.But then he’d smiled at me and the bottom dropped out of my world.Ren had caught me, seemed almost amused at my shock. 

**_Don’t be fooled.It’s an act.Your trial is to see past your Master’s trickery._ **

_No.He’s regretful.You can feel it._

**_Deceit.He is the Emperor of Lies.We do not care.We survive.We belong to ourselves._ **

_We love him._

**_Love is a lie, there is only passion._ **

My heart pounded in my ears, and I could feel it’s drumbeat at my throat.High amounts of stress could lead to hypertension.Perhaps I was about to have a stroke; maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible.I could escape from my own thoughts, from the confusing and erratic moods of - whatever he wanted to call himself.The man standing in the room outside was an enigma.

_Focus on something else.What would a rogue archeologist wear?_

A small, hysterical giggle passed from my lips as I examined the long line of clothing which seemed to stare back at me from the racks.Marta sent an endless parade of new outfits each week.I hardly knew what I owned anymore.Grabbing my two ratty satchels from the corner, some of the only objects that made it from the trunk of things I’d been found with on Ajan Kloss, I began grabbing things from the closet, folding as gently as I could.Raiding Ren’s side, I found a few worn leather holsters, and took the smallest one.If we truly were going in secret, I doubted we’d be able to carry our lightsabers.

I didn’t now how long we would be gone, but it couldn’t possibly be more than a few days.Ren had responsibilities here.Scuttling in to the fresher and avoiding those piercing amber eyes, I collected some toiletries.My data pad was the last thing I shoved into the second smaller pack., continuing to look anywhere but at him.Seeing my bulging bags and noting my stillness, he grabbed his own and headed out, not waiting for me to follow.

He led us down the same corridors I had strode through with Poe, my heart rate increasing as we headed for the lateral flight deck.My gaze lingered on the doors as they whooshed open, the hole Ren had cut with his lightsaber gone.As we entered, I felt a blush creep to my cheeks, trying not to let my attention drift to the spot on the wall he’d backed me into, the things he’d done to me while Poe watched from the cockpit of a TIE fighter. 

Now, unlike the first time I’d been in the hangar, it hummed with activity.The _Night Buzzard_ was docked in the corner, but we couldn’t be taking it- the ship was too well known.Another ship came into view, out of place even next to the Knights ship.

“It’s a VCX-100 light freighter,” Ren said.“I’ve had it for some time now.” 

The designation didn’t mean much to me.Something tickled at the edge of my memory; the Resistance had a ship similar to it, perhaps.Or I could have seen one or two on Nar Shaddaa. 

I startled as an assassin droid walked off of the ship, heading toward us.Even I knew to be terrified of an HK-77.My lightsaber was drawn and I’d sunk into the ready position before Ren could even start speaking. 

His backward glance was carefully amused.“HK, this is my apprentice.You will take orders from her as you would from me.”

The droid’s head swiveled sharply toward me.“It seems she wants to engage me in battle, sir.Also your missive was regrettably unclear.Should she give me a contradictory order, to whom should I defer?”

Ren chuckled as he passed the droid and headed into the freighter. “I’m sure you can sort it out.” 

Disarming, I frowned at the HK unit.Little astromechs and fussy protocol droids were more my speed.I’d never liked the larger models.Wistfully, I thought of BB-8 and R2-D2 back on the Resistance base.Poe had been alone on Coruscant, his small robot shadow no where near him.Undoubtedly no one had known the Commander was there.Reckless man. 

None of that mattered, anyway.I was never going to see any of them again.No matter what Poe had said. 

Ren was waiting patiently for me to enter the ship, gazing down at me from the top of a ladder in the modest storage area.I hoisted myself and my bags upward, following him through a lounge that reminded me a little of the Falcon, and down a corridor.He indicated a door, and threw his bag inside.With barely a glance inside, I set mine next to his and entered the cockpit just as he was settling into the pilot’s chair. 

It was strange, being in a ship with him alone. 

Well, almost alone.The HK unit clambered into the cockpit, taking the co-pilot seat without a word to either of us. 

Finding a chair, I let my mind wander.Oddly, I had only been on few ships in my life until recently.There had been the trip with Master Luke to Yavin 4, the smugglers ship to Nar Shaddaa.A few other short but tense jaunts with the Resistance, the terrifying and drawn out journey to Crait, and the last being on the Falcon- all of us cramming together, terrified.Fleeing the man that sat in the seat in front of me.I studied his profile.I’d spent more time running or hiding from him than I had with him. 

Part of me had always wanted to be free, to have enough resources to see the galaxy. 

**Now you can rule it.Your resources are endless.**

_His resources are endless,_ I argued with the oily little voice crouched inside my head.I had nothing, was still nothing.I would probably always be nothing. 

“I thought I told you to stop saying that.” Ren’s voice rang out in the small space, startling me from my memories.

“I didn’t _say_ anything,” I shot back, angry I had let my thoughts run wild, allowed him to listen again.“Mind your own business.”

“Hard when you’re thinking so loudly,” he replied. 

_Can he hear the other voice?_

“What other voice?”

_Fuck._

Folding my arms across my chest, I brought the cowl up around my head and slunk down into my seat, concentrating on blanking my mind.Ren didn’t question me again, which only made me more suspicious. 

**_It’s a test._ **

Ren piloted the craft smoothly from the hangar, First Order chatter loud over the comms.The HK unit seemed to know more than I did about where we were going, reaching over to program the navcomputer for a hyperspace jump. 

“Where are we headed?”I asked nonchalantly.

“Black Spire Outpost.Batuu.”His tone was flat.A part of me wondered if he was upset with me, but I reminded myself I didn’t care.More than likely he was distracted with navigation. 

“We can-“ I paused, glancing at the droid.“We can find what we’re looking for _there_?”I knew little about it.Batuu was in the Outer Rim, pretty close to wild space if I was remembering my astrography correctly. 

“I’ve found many objects of interest in the Outer Rim.Smuggler’s Way has all manner of - oddities.”As the ship jumped, stars lengthening into streams of light in front of my eyes, he turned his chair, pinning me with his eyes. 

Quickly, I looked away.I couldn’t explain why, but since the moment in the corridor when he’d smiled at me I’d wanted to avoid eye contact.I’d seen something unnervingly familiar in the look he’d given me, but it had surely been my imagination. 

“HK, you’re in charge.Try not to get us lost.”

“I believe that was you last time, sir.” 

I frowned at the floor.Cheeky droid.Where the _Steadfast_ had been in space, I was unsure.It could take us awhile to get to the Outer Rim.I didn’t like the idea of being trapped in a ship with an assassin model.A gloved hand clasped my chin, trying to bring my face upward, but I moved smoothly with the touch, gliding out of my seat to keep my face averted.

Seemingly unperturbed, he took my hand in his and guided me to the room we’d left our bags in.The door closing behind me seemed louder than it really was, a thud of doom.I edged away from him, kicking my bags into the far corner, but the room was modest.Ren’s size made it seem minuscule. 

The cowl was swept back from my face, and I was in his arms, his mouth hungry on mine.My hands settled at his ribs before I could think of wiggling away. 

“Finally alone,” he murmured between kisses, “just the two of us.”

“- and the droid,” I muttered with no small amount of anxiety. 

“Harmless,” he assured me as he made quick work of divesting me of my clothing.The lights lining the cabin were dim, and nerves jangled in my stomach.It had been awhile since I’d felt this way with Ren.The last several times had been- intense.Rushed and rough.I’d felt disconnected from the act.Now, he was trying to draw me in, crack me open. 

Only my top half bare as he spun me around to move his attention to my hair, winding it out of the style I’d pinned it in.Goosebumps rose on my skin as it flowed down my back, tickling me.Ren’s touch was light on my skin, tracing some invisible pattern only he could see from my ear to my shoulder, swirling down my back.Cool shivers ran down my flesh in response, the sensation racing upward along my neck and into my head.A pleasant fog settled over my mind as he drew curling lines over my bicep, skating down to my inner forearm and wrists. 

Blinking a few times against the almost sleepy calm falling over me, I felt my muscles unravel, my head lolling back to rest on his chest.Unbidden, I thought of how I would lie on the floor of his hut, wrapped in his old comforter while he -

**This is a trick.**

_Ren, this is Kylo Ren.That memory was almost eight years ago.Ben is gone._

I tensed, shocked back into the present. 

“Shhh.”One arm banded just under my breasts, preventing me from jerking away.His otherhand continued to gently stroke, teasing along my collarbone.Low, soothing rumbles continued to vibrate his chest as he lulled me back into an almost hypnotized state, my focus narrowing to the points of contact between his flesh and mine. 

Just as the tender dance of his fingers wandered to my breasts, the ship jerked unexpectedly, and we tumbled forward, Ren catching me just before I crashed into the edge of a tall locker. 

“Stay here.” The order was almost whispered against my hair as the light from the hall flashed brightly, his tall form slipping away. 

Half naked, I hauled a long breath in, shaking with relief we’d been interrupted.It was too close to how things were - in what seemed like a lifetime ago.Those two people were gone.I turned the lights up and scrambled to get back into my clothes, to have some armor however flimsy when he fixed whatever it was that had caused the disruption in our flight path.

It served him right for leaving a droid to pilot the ship, anyway.I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to shake off the haze of pleasure still humming in my blood.Staying here was a terrible idea.There was no doubt he’d want to pick up right where he left off.I couldn’t handle the way he’d been touching me.It was promising things I knew I couldn’t have.

Grabbing my lightsaber, I headed to the storage area.He couldn’t be mad if I went to practice my forms. 

**It doesn’t matter if he’s mad, anyway.**

_Right.I don’t care.I don’t care._

I repeated the mantra over and over, even after he’d glanced into the storage area, disappointment clear on his features. 

_I don’t care._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all she wrote, for now. 
> 
> I have a few more days off, so I will try to pump out some more chapters and get myself back to having a buffer again so I can actually update on a schedule! 
> 
> As usual, forgive the typos and comments/kudos are always welcome!!!! 
> 
> Thanks to Katt_Frost for commenting recently and giving me the nudge I needed to get back to it!!! It was greatly appreciated!! :)
> 
> Thank you also to Littlecorinthian, CopperTwig, Sof, KMarie, spacegirl, honeybug, Fuzztacular, and Sof for the many comments -- it really has been wonderful to get consistent feedback. 
> 
> And- to those of you who have found this fic along the way and left a comment that you were reading at a breakneck pace. I know I always do that when I love a story, so it means a lot!!


	110. Chapter 110

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Ren had thought it impossible for her to elude him on the small freighter, but she’d become a ghost; finding ways to avoid being alone with him in close quarters, insisting on training every waking minute.She had even uploaded two of the ancient texts to her data pad, providing yet another legitimate excuse to dissolve into a hidden corner of the ship.After redeploying the skill of cutting herself off from the Force, she was practically untraceable. 

Even he hadn’t known how many tiny places there were to conceal a person.He had a hard time folding himself into confined spaces, his body too long and broad.She had no such issues.Like a skittish pet, she curled herself away for hours at a time.It was only at night she twined into him, and even he knew it was mostly for warmth.Ren had tried a few times to coax her into sex, but the distance and reluctance was too much.If he wanted her trust back, coercion wasn’t the way.

It was increasingly frustrating.Ever since they’d reconnected, he’d taken what he wanted.Patience was easier with her, but that wasn’t saying much.At least now they were approaching Batuu, giving him a reason to hunt her down and lure her out. 

Almost twenty minutes later, he was on his third round of the ship.Entering the last of the line of personal quarters, he flipped on the light again.A row of bunks three high lined the opposite wall of the tiny cabin.A tension was in the air.Stepping up on the edge of the very bottom bed, he peered into the back corner of the topmost bunk.There, squished into the back edge, was a lump of dark blankets he hadn’t noticed initially.Ren tugged at them, slowly revealing her wary gaze over the top of her data pad. 

“We’re almost to Batuu,” Ren said, keeping his voice gentle.“We have some preparations to make before we can head to Black Spire.” 

“All right,” she responded, voice husky from disuse.“I’ll be out in a minute.”Her only movement was a series of rapid blinks against the lights. 

Irritation prickled under his skin.She couldn’t avoid him forever.What would he have done before?Ren couldn’t remember if she’d ever really been distant or grumpy with him.He supposed something playful would draw her out.It was worth a shot.Sliding his hand underneath the blankets, he found the slope of her bare foot and tickled.

She squeaked, trying to yank her foot from his grasp, but she had nowhere to go.Ren hoisted himself further up, stepping on the mattress of the second highest bunk to snake his hand up under her pants and attack the back of her knee.Squirming, he watched as she attempted to escape to the second line of bunks, but his long arms trapped her.

“What-,” a gasping giggle, “-what are you _doing_?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious,” Ren replied.The fit was incredibly tight, but he had managed to worm onto the narrow mattress with her, half on top of her, his hands now prodding at her sides.He found himself smiling, watching her trying not to laugh.Her brows twitched back and forth between frustrated indigence and surprise. 

Finally, when he went for her neck, she couldn’t help herself, wiggling and laughing underneath him, batting at his arms.A moment later, she was tickling at his ribs, and they were jostling like children, trying to block and attack at the same time, breathless and grinning. 

Ren couldn’t be sure when it shifted, when it stopped being a game and became a tangle of mouths and limbs, clothes pushed half out of the way in haste.His hands were cupping her face, her body bucking up, rubbing against his.

“Please,” she moaned into his mouth, desperately shoving his pants toward his knees, then moving frantically to her own, kicking them to her ankles.Her small, busy hands guided him inside her.

Ren shuddered and broke the kiss, burying his head in her shoulder as he groaned, wrapping his arms around her to bring her closer to him.His shirt was still on, and he felt her fingers grasp the fabric, clenching.Pressing his forehead to hers,Ren moved in slow, easy strokes. 

“Faster,” she pleaded. 

He shook his head against hers.Not this time.They’d had plenty of rough, intense sex over the time she’d come to the _Steadfast_.It wasn’t what either of them needed.

“Sweetheart,” Ren said, hearing the strain in his own voice, “look at me.”Her eyes popped open immediately, meeting his.The edge of fear in them almost broke his heart.This was his fault.Brushing a hand against her cheek, he smiled.“You’re so lovely.”

A ripple of surprise shivered through her, but Ren kept eye contact, rocking in and out of her with an unhurried rhythm, adjusting the angle of his hips to press his pelvic bone against her clit, each thrust providing friction.He watched her cheeks redden, eyes dilating, low whimpers building to keening cries as he continued the same steady tempo. 

The eye contact broke as she climaxed, her back arching, her head pressed back into the thin mattress.Ren felt the rolling spasms of pleasure around his dick, how the crest was slower, had eased her into release.Her breaths were longer, less frantic, sounds breathier.As it ebbed for her, he pressed his face into her neck and thrust faster, finding his own orgasm.Ren bit into the bunched up fabric of her tunic as he spilled inside her.

Long after their breaths had quieted, he slipped out of her and settled himself beside her, propping up on his elbow to stare down at her face.Her gaze darted around the tiny space, trying not to alight on him.Gently, he kissed her forehead.

“Thank you,” Ren said.Her cheeks reddened further, clearly unsure how to react to an expression of gratitude.“The customary response, would of course be, ‘you’re welcome,’” he teased.He found himself smiling again.

“You’re welcome,” she quipped back.“What are you smiling about?”

“Men aren’t allowed to smile after sex with a beautiful woman?”This caused yet another flush of embarrassment over her delicate features.Something in him withered a little at it.Had she been paid so little compliments?He tried to again think back on their time together at the Academy. 

He’d told her she was beautiful - hadn’t he?Or had it always been manipulative in some way, something to twist her to his agenda, bind her to him?

Ren took a slow breath in, feeling his emotions starting to spin, his head aching.Focus.He needed to focus.The last thing he wanted to do was wildly swing in the other direction, ruin the careful progress he was trying to make, but the darkness clawed at him, a gaping maw of greed that wanted to devour him.And her. 

Planting another quick kiss on her forehead, Ren hitched up his pants and lowered himself to the ground, trying to make his demeanor as light as possible.He heard some rustling, and then she peeked over the edge, her expression shuttered.Ignoring the burst of frustration, he reached up to settle her on the floor next to him. 

As if on cue, the ship shuddered, dropping out of light speed.She was adjusting her garments, looking delightfully rumpled. 

_You could take her again, right now._

He wanted nothing more than to throw her back onto one of the cots and strip her bare, hood and jess her like she was a small, fierce bird-bend her to his will and desires.But the time for that sort of play had passed.Perhaps if he hadn’t been so short-sighted, they could have stayed together, may have been able to figure it out.But he was too dangerous now.Ren had no doubt he was only holding his cruelty at bay temporarily.When it regained control… he wouldn’t think of that now.She would be far away from him by then.

Seeing her watchful eyes on him, he realized he’d been staring for far too long.Taking her hand in his, he guided her back to their room.

They still had time.He still had time.All would be made right.


	111. Chapter 111

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

Sensing my renewed need for space, Ren had left me to shower and ready myself for Batuu alone.I was grateful for the time to think.As much as the voices inside me insisted he was tricking me, doubt had crept in.I’d felt- well, I couldn’t really be sure what I felt from him.The playfulness had been natural, no artifice or deception.He’d meant the words he’d said to me as he had slid slowly in and out of my body. 

I had felt like something treasured.Cherished. I don’t want more memories, but they came anyway.

_“I don’t want to hide it anymore,” Ben says stubbornly.“I thought we’d settled this- there is a history of Jedi having romantic attachments.”_

_“Master Luke won’t allow it,” I reply, calmer than I feel inside.What I don’t say is he won’t allow it with Ben._ Especially _not with Ben.But as usual, it doesn’t matter whether I choose to say it out loud or not, he hears me._

_“What do you mean he won’t allow it with me?”Ben’s tone is accusing, but he’s not a fool.He knows just as well as I do._

_“You struggle with attachments and emotions enough already.”I’m standing in his hut, arms crossed, stuck in the middle of the same argument we have again and again.Ben lounges on the small bed, but the lines of his body are tense._

_“And you don’t?”Proving my point, he’s angry._

_“I’m not the issue here!” I say, exasperated.“I am about as far away from a Jedi Knight as a Padawan can be.We both know I’m never - “_

_“- you’re too hard on yourself.You came to us later… “_

_“- and I’ve learned what I can.I’m not blaming anyone.”Sighing, I start to rock back and forth, our diverging opinions on the matter of my skill level spiking my anxiety.At first, I wasn’t sure how sincere he was about my potential, but now he seems convinced I can be just as proficient as the other students given patience and attention.It’s more than likely a by-product of his feelings for me, but having someone believe in me - whatever the reason - is a novel experience I welcome._

_“You’ve let him talk you out of trying.I know he wants you to leave.Thinks he knows what’s best for me.Everyone always thinks they know what’s best for me.Don’t be like them.”Determination is in his voice._

_He feels the pressure of the Skywalker legacy, even more since the revelations of his mother’s parentage.Darth Vader was his grandfather.Ben wants to make his own decisions._

_Ben is pushing himself up from the bed, headed toward me.He grasps my shoulders, looking down at me seriously.“I want everyone to know,” he says.“You’re mine.You chose me.That means something.”_

_“I hardly think I’m that much of a catch, Ben.Not anyone important enough to sacrifice your-“My words are cut of by his mouth on mine._

_“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”Even if I can’t believe him, deep down, I feel his sincerity._

_He had to make this difficult._

_“Of course.I make everything difficult.It’s a gift.”His dimples wink at me, his broad grin transforming his face.When he truly lets himself smile, it’s one of my favorite things.Kindness radiates from his crinkled eyes.“No more arguing.I’ve made my decision.We tell him tomorrow, no matter the consequences.”_

_Opening my mouth to speak my dissent, he shakes his head.I snap my jaw closed, teeth worrying at my lower lip.There will be an argument.Ben barely has a relationship with his family at all at this point, and now he’s going to alienate his uncle.For me.It doesn’t make any sense._

_“You’ll be my family,” he says quietly._

I never had the chance to find out what the conversation would have been like.Ben had burned the temple down that night, turned and left me.Even though I’d been braced for it eventually, never truly believing anyone could want me, it had sliced me to the core. 

Here he was again, trying to tell me I was important to him.Hope was foolishly flooding me once again.Maybe Ren regretted my fall, didn’t want or need me to change.But I’d done it.No sense in looking back. 

Toweling my wet hair, I twisted it at the base of my neck and secured it with a large gold clip.I stared at the clothes I’d haphazardly grabbed, all hung in the small locker.Ren had moved his to one of the other rooms.I pulled a black jumpsuit from the hangar, unzipping it and stepping into the soft, cool fabric.Moving to the long, narrow mirror I examined the choice.The neckline was a broad, deep v-shape, a long strip of hem giving the illusion of a wrap silhouette.Bell sleeves stopped just at my elbows, and the pants were wide-legged, a crisp line down the front, perfectly pressed by some First Order employee I’d never met.Or perhaps one of Marta’s employees, since I’d never worn it before now. 

The outfit was lovely enough to suggest money and success, but not flashy.The last thing we needed was to draw attention to ourselves.I grabbed one of Ren’s smaller tactical belts and secured it, the leather resting between my natural waist and the widest flare of my hips.I took a few moments to apply some make-up, and then slipped my boots on.They didn’t exactly go, but the wide legs of the trousers hid them well enough. 

Turning instinctively at the whoosh of the door opening, I found myself stunned.So used to seeing Ren in his uniform or loungewear in our quarters, I wasn’t prepared for him to appear - normal.

He looked like Ben Solo.Tight navy trousers and heavy boots with a brown tactical belt at his waist, already kitted out with a blaster and knives.An off white, long sleeve shirt with a standing collar was casually buttoned on the side, the top of the double-breasted flap falling open slightly at the top.Ren had a blue pocketed wool jacket slung over his arm.Even his hair was different, brushed away from his face, the part falling in the middle. 

I hadn’t seen him in anything else but black since the Jedi Academy, and it was messing with my sense of time, along with his abrupt shift in attitude towards me.The only thing anchoring me to the present was the long scar that still sliced down the right side of his face.But even that was soon remedied, as he adjusted a mask over the right upper portion of his face, the same shade of ivory as his shirt. 

“Subtle,” I said drily. 

He made a mock bow.“Ben Amidala, historical archeologist, at your service.”Ren stayed near the exit, leaning against the wall opposite me.“Word is I sustained a nasty burn trying to recover an ancient Sith artifact.” 

“Is that so?”I mirrored his body language.“And who am I?”

“Whoever you want to be.”Ren smirked.“Along with being my newest conquest, of course.”

“Naturally.I thought you said I was your _partner_.”Despite the entire thing being a giant game of pretend, I smarted at being his arm-candy. 

“Partner, lover, conquest, all the same, really,” Ren said.“Besides, we need a reason for purchasing a kyber crystal.What better than buying something shiny for a gorgeous colleague?” 

It was the simplest explanation, and one not many would lift an eyebrow about.“Fine.Simplest explanation is most likely to be true and all that, I suppose.What’s the plan?”

“We’re going to meet up with an old friend of mine, an Ithorian named Dok-Ondar.He’s a bit temperamental, but there’s no one more respected or feared in the black market collecting community.You never want to get on his bad side.”Ren motioned for me to follow him, unlocking the weapons locker.“In fact, if he knew who I really was, I’d be black-listed.”

“That seems odd.I can’t imagine he doesn’t have dealings with the First Order, or their supporters.”Our conversation was pleasant, not rife with unspoken words.It seemed we had both already slipped into our roles for the day. 

Ren barked out a laugh.“No, actually he’d be thrilled to trade with the Supreme Leader.Han Solo pissed him off.He hired him to smuggle a pair of infant sarlaccs and he showed up with only one of them.Dok figured out it was a lie.” 

“Hmmm,” I answered noncommittally, unsettled Ren had brought up his father.I didn’t mention someone would have to be blind not to notice the resemblance, especially in his current garb.Ren looked like a smuggler. 

He handed me a blaster and I holstered it firmly on my belt.Indicating a few other options - a plethora of knives and throwing stars, and I shook my head.I’d never trained with weapons like those.

“Maybe I should broaden your training.You may not always have your lightsaber.” 

“Why?Do you plan on taking us out like this often?”My heart jumped a little at the thought.I’d spent most of the journey hidden, but I couldn’t imagine a life with no breaks at all, only politics and military decisions.Would we live on Coruscant?Mustafar? 

Ren paused on the gangplank, something layered in his expression.“Perhaps.Best to be prepared.” 

My excitement about being on a new planet derailed any suspicions I had regarding his answer.We were on the outskirts of the outpost, behind us a thick jungle with large, dead trees dotting the landscape. 

“The spires,” Ren commented.“They were once massive evergreens, destroyed long ago in some planetary event.” 

Turning my gaze back to the town in front of us, he continued to fill me in.“Oga Garra runs this outpost.She also owns the local watering hole, Oga’s Cantina.Not bad food- for backwater swill.”

There was more green than I’d expected, dotted between squat buildings, the streets teeming with life.Many of the petrified trees were carved out for shops and trading posts, and some buildings were set on top of impossibly thick trunks.I was trying my best not to stare, but it was so refreshing compared to the inside of the Steadfast.There was no life on that ship.All clean lines and reflective floors.Here, there was always something interesting to see.Color, texture, a dazzling lack of uniformity. 

Briefly, I wondered if the crowds were bothering Ren, but he’d made no attempt to connect with me.I supposed the planet was abandoned compared to Coruscant.There were probably more people on the _Steadfast_ than there were in the town.

Ren took my hand, weaving expertly through the streets, his movements more fluid than I’d seen them.He even walked like a criminal here, all swagger; none of the stiffness he embodied as Supreme Leader.Stopping us on the edge of the walkway, he kissed me, long and teasing. 

“What was that for?” I asked.

“I didn’t like the way people were looking at you,” he replied. 

I sent him a withering look.“I can handle myself.”

“Didn’t say you couldn’t, princess.Just making it easier on us both.”As if to illustrate, he took off, and I scrambled after him.

Ren drew people’s eyes without trying. I was starting to realize he couldn’t be inconspicuous if he tried, he was too tall, too broad, - too everything. Following him through a pair of arching double doors, my eyes were filled with treasures lining the walls of a vast circular shop. The light inside was warm, the walls a yellow textured stone. A wrought iron chandelier dangled from the ceiling, which was covered in an intricate geometric circle pattern. I tried not to gape.

An Ithorian was berating an employee behind a tall, semi-circle grate.He had a translation vocoder, but it was turned off, and instead the strangely beautiful Ithorese was echoing in the vast space. I expected Ren to wait patiently until he was done with whatever internal matter caused such a ruckus, but I was mistaken.

“You tell him, Dok,” Ren said, laughingly approaching the grate.

Dok startled, turning his flat face to Ren, using one long finger to flick a switch at his neck. “You’ve been out of the game too long, Amidala. Presumed dead. I can’t imagine what you have to offer me, and it can’t be worth the disrespect of interrupting me in the middle of my business.”

Ren’s easy smile didn’t fade. “I was busy. The First Order had me on a wild chase for any rumor of a Jedi or Sith artifact.” He indicated his mask. “You may have heard of my unfortunate incident.”

I wasn’t sure if an Ithorian could look suspicious, but this one did. “So it would seem. Highly unusual for a man of your repute to go dark for so many years.”

“Well, I’m back now. Nothing to trade, I’m afraid.But I’m unexpectedly flush, and I’m looking for a special gift.” His head tilted back subtly, indicating my presence. “Got any kyber crystals you think she might fancy?”

The Ithorian grumbled and indicated a wall to the right of us, lit up with bright blue light.

“Aw, Dok. You wouldn’t be trying to sell me the touristy shit, now would you? I know better than that. My accident didn’t include memory loss.”

“You’ve been working with the First Order. They’ve been- less than cooperative lately.”

“I go where the credits are, Dok, nothing more. I don’t want anything to do with politics.”

I tried not to let the laugh bubble, only a strangled squeak pushing it’s way out, and I covered it by pretending to be interested in some shiny object. The trader had no idea who he was talking to, the fact Ren knew very well what the First Order was trying to accomplish in the Outer Rim. He’d ordered it, after all. Or at the very least, approved it.

Silence stretched as the Ithorian decided whether or not to trust him, and I came up beside Ren, braced for a possible altercation. Instead, a hidden door slid open. “Don’t make me regret this,” Dok grumbled. 

Ren flashed more than a few credits with a roguish wink I’d never seen from him before, and we were through to the back recesses of the shop.Here lay the real opulence.The rooms were dark, the only light sources carefully pointed to the display cases full of kyber crystals, all set on clear holders or carefully cradled in black velvet fabric.Red beams flashed, indicating a bevy of security measures.Cameras pointed at every corner of the shop, from the upper corners, behind the cases, and the ceilings.Nothing moved in these rooms without a record. 

Ren’s hands slid around my waist.“See anything you like?”His voice was a deep, rich murmur in my ear and I couldn’t stop my responding shiver, the easy movement of my body back into his.I shook my head, overwhelmed.“If you close your eyes,” he said, “you might be able to hear them sing.” 

I didn’t hear anything from the crystals. What I did hear was the click of the door closing behind us. Scanning the room, it appeared we were alone. Carefully observed, of course, but left to browse as we wished.

He released me. “Take your time. We have as long as we need.”

There were so many to choose from.

How would I know the right one?


	112. Chapter 112

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

Ren observed her slow tour of the perimeter, her hands floating above the cases, eyes lighting on each crystal as she passed. He had wedged himself into the corner of the room, trying his best to be unobtrusive. Ideally, she would have picked her crystal from a cave, like he had done, taken the journey alone. But too much had changed about the galaxy at this point.There was a reason he’d taken her here instead. 

Not to mention, he was no Jedi. This would need to be good enough. He’d brought along plenty of other materials, sitting neatly in trunks on the ship. She would hopefully be able to construct a lightsaber before they returned to the _Steadfast_.He would give her as much time as he could; and give himself as much time with her as possible.The coronation was quickly approaching.It was imperative she be gone before then.He didn’t trust himself. 

Even now, as he thought about it, he wanted to grab her and take her back, keep her bound to him forever. Jealousy crawled beneath his skin. He didn’t even have anyone to be jealous of - yet.

 _Dameron._ Ren tried to shove the violent thoughts from his mind at the mere whisper of possibility she would go running back into the pilot’s arms.Part of him, a very tiny part, was selflessly arguing it would be best for her.He had already irrevocably damaged her. Absolutely nothing but his own comfort would come from keeping her.

It posed an issue, however. He would need to actively shield the Resistance from the First Order now. How he was to do that without suspicion, he had no clue.

He’d never truly wanted to destroy the Resistance.Not fully.Which was why he’d never said a word to anyone that they were on Lah’mu.Ren had allowed her to think he didn’t know.He’d actively tried to forget himself that he knew.But now he was thankful for the knowledge.A plan began to form in his mind.There was only one person he could trust with such precious cargo. 

Ren wondered how Cardo would feel about defecting to the Resistance. He’d long suspected his oldest knight had lost his taste for blood, secretly harbored thoughts of a quieter life.

So, painfully, he began the construction of the plan that would take her from him. The only selfless act of his life. She wandered in a circle, passing over the available crystals again and again. Ren didn’t rush her. If it was here, it would call out to her.

After what seemed like forever, she had settled on a circular case in the back corner of the room, rocking back and forth in front of it. Ren doubted she was even aware of what she was doing, a trance-like daze overtaking her motions.

“I found it,” she whispered.

Following the line of her finger, Ren puzzled at it. Unexpected. Holding himself back from arguing, he simply kissed her neck and fetched Dok’s assistant to open the case. The second the twin kyber formation was in her palm, she sighed with relief, tension draining from her body.

Ren examined it closer. It had been used in a lightsaber before, of that he was certain. The twin formation was unusual, two crystals fused together. It would make for a challenging build. What was more troubling were the occlusions on the left side- a crack. Part of the formation had been bled, unsuccessfully. 

The crystals loyalty was split. A shiver ran down his spine, and he resisted the urge to argue with her. It was her choice, and the look on her face was confirmation enough it was the correct one for her. Ren wondered what she would have chosen before he’d pushed her into the darkness. Her nature was not dual.

 _His_ was.Ren recalled reading how sometimes the choice of the student reflected the Master.Their relationship was even more complex.It a way it made sense this would be her choice. 

Credits flowed, the transaction complete. Unusually sedate, she twined her arm into his and let him lead her from the shop, out into the bright busy streets of the market. Ren had planned on spending more time here with her, but it was clear what needed to occur next. She needed quiet, space and time to contemplate her saber design.

He escorted her back to his ship.

___________________________________

The days blended together. She would stand at the workbench, tinkering and soldering, sculpting and staring. Ren would take her exhausted form to the bed, tuck her in, and he would wake to find her gone from bed, back at the bench, focused and calm. He couldn’t remember if it had been this way for any other student, but he let it happen.

Finally, he started joining her, more from his own loneliness than the desire to interfere. Pressing his body against her back, he bent to rest his chin on her shoulder, careful not to get in her way, watching without commentary. Sometimes he would pepper kisses on her face, cheek and neck, massage her lower back, breathe in her scent. The silence was at once strange and soothing, for both of them.

A calm stole over them both, no language necessary.He made sure she ate, wordlessly coaxed into taking breaks and provided her with the tools she needed to continue her build. 

One afternoon, she spoke. “I need help with this part.” Turning to face him, she rested her palms on his chest, peering up into his eyes. “Is that allowed?”

“Yes,” Ren breathed it into her mouth as he kissed her. Who cared what was allowed, what wasn’t? They made their own rules now.

He hadn’t figured out what the design was, there were so many pieces scattered on the work bench, so many different materials.But she gathered only a few, and swept the rest into the trash. It was then he saw. A Shoto construction with a crossguard design. Zillowbeast scales had been filed down, pieces of brylark tree and cool, silver metals were fastened together to make a decorative sleeve. Strange choices.

She had set up two crystal mounts, connected to the diatium power cell in the hilt in order to accommodate the twin formation of her kyber crystal. There was no focusing crystal, only a dual crystal activator. The cycling field energizers were slim, four instead of two to create a channel for two focused beams from the twin points, and additional energy modulation circuits added more stability to the blade. The stream would split naturally into quillions.

“Do you see?” she asked quietly. Ren nodded.

Together, they constructed the saber, parts floating in the air before them, puzzling out the fit, taking pains to bend or refashion when required.When he was satisfied it was sound and there was no risk of destabilization, he nodded at her.

The blade leapt to life in her hands, the sizzle of lightning and smell of ozone. Ren had never seen anything like it, nor read of it in the years he’d collected Jedi history.The quillions were unlike his, not perpendicular but lifted upward, in a v-shape at the base of the primary blade. It was dual-toned. The majority of the glow was a lilac shade, too delicate a color for such a weapon, but one side crackled with a thin outline of red, the flawed nature of the crystal singing out. Two separate crystals would never have worked, but the twin formation was stable enough to allow for the cracks and occlusions. Imperfect but solid. 

The Shoto style meant the blade was short, not unlike the one he had allowed her to borrow. A warrior of his statue would use it as part of a set in his non-dominant hand, but the petite length suited her frame.The grip was elegant, the quillions guarded with Zillowbeast scale, the hilt a mesh of wood and metal. 

“Why the crossguard?” Ren asked.

“It is customary to build a lightsaber similar to your Master’s design as a sign of respect,” she answered, disarming and hooking her new weapon onto her belt.

She shouldn’t want to be anything like him.

“Is it time to return now?” 

Ren wanted to say no, wished they had more time alone.But he’d already been gone for far too long.Instead of answering, he gathered her into his arms.“Before we get back, I wanted to say -“

A soft brush of fingertips against his lips stopped the words.“We don’t have to talk,” she whispered.“I know.” 

Fear tightened his chest.Did she? 

A genuine smile brightened her face.“Turns out we just needed to stop talking altogether.”

In the silence of the past days, Ren realized most of her mind was unguarded, and in response so was his.There had been no needs for words because they already knew what the other was thinking - almost.Not enough trust for full transparency.Her mind was less chaotic, although the spectre of darkness still lingered at the edges.His own mind was a mirror, most of it shrouded in shadows, with the smallest sliver of light.It wasn’t balance, exactly.They were a counterweight to the other. 

A sizzle of concern at the base of his neck.What would happen when he separated them? 

No matter.“I want you to practice your healing skills when we return.I’ve set it up with the medbay staff.They know you have experience in the medical field.This part of your training was…neglected.” 

“I thought, for a short time, I may have lost it altogether,” she admitted.“I was too angry.At you.At myself.I thought I’d shut down before-“Fear expanded the inky black corners in her mind.“I’ve done things.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” he soothed.Ren wanted the responsibility. 

“It was,” she argued.“I made those choices.I don’t need you to make excuses for me.”

“You let me off the hook all the time,” he replied, teasing her.“For far greater sins, I might add.”

“I suppose I do.”Resting her cheek on his chest, she sighed.“A good thing, if I’m going to be sticking around.”

_I wish you could._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone has been hanging in there during these first few weeks of 2021.
> 
> For those, like me, who are in the States, please take extra care of yourselves this week. I know many of us are pretty wound up, with good reason. 
> 
> As per usual, comments and kudos are welcome! I will try to keep the updates flowing. :)
> 
> If you haven't already, and are a Reylo fan, I have another WIP- a Regency Reylo called A Lesson in Love. Check it out if you are so inclined!


	113. Chapter 113

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!
> 
> I am back with update, guaranteed to screw with your emotions. 
> 
> As usual, feedback is welcome.

When we arrived back at the _Steadfast_ , I was a different person from the one who had left.All my suspicions were gone.As I’d worked on my lightsaber, Ren had relaxed, and I could finally feel the intent behind his recent actions. 

Remorse.Guilt. 

Love.

Of course, we didn’t speak of the last one.We never did.It was far too fragile, too precious to ever speak aloud.A secret.Even now, when there was no threat of judgement, we concealed it from one another.Like a child giggling behind a chair during a game of hide and seek, we were both the parent and the child; keenly aware the other knew, but convinced neither could see.

I was spending most of my time in the med bay, practicing my healing abilities on smaller injuries and testing my intuition against medical scanners. All of it voluntary; unless Ren chose to observe. Then it became something of an ethical quagmire.

“You can’t stand in the corner, lurking in your mask, and expect people to refuse me. They’re terrified. The engineer the other day wouldn’t even allow me to administer pain medication before I started, and it was all because _you_ were there!”

“They have no reason to refuse you. He won’t even have a scar, thanks to you.” Ren didn’t seem bothered by the intricacies of medical ethics.

I mumbled something about physical scars being better than emotional trauma, but he pretended he couldn’t hear me.

“Marta is coming tomorrow to finish the fitting for my coronation dress,” I mentioned, hopping on one foot as I yanked one of my training boots off. “Her message said you’ve been avoiding her.”

A wave of emotions capsized me, emanating directly from Ren. It was happening more and more often, Ren seeming to lose his hold, sending a deafening shout of thought or feeling outward. Darkness still crackled around him in the Force, but since we’d come back I’d seen none of it expressed externally - at least not towards me. Not naive enough to think he was truly changed, I had chosen to ignore whatever business he was doing as Supreme Leader of the First Order, and instead focused on things I had control over. A temporary reprieve. Somewhere down the line, there would be a further reckoning with myself. For now, I had my head buried in the sand.

Who was I kidding. I was _underneath_ the sand. Casually accepting the fact I was about to appear at his side while he was crowned Emperor. It would be a tacit stamp of approval from me. _Yes, I am totally fine dating a man who’s destroyed planets and is currently crushing the galaxy under his boot. Not a problem._

He stood as still as a statue. Walking over unevenly, one boot still on, I laid a gentle hand on his arm. “Ren?”

Ren turned to look down on me and I tripped backward in haste. His eyes blazed red and yellow, slightly unfocused. Shocked, I reached out in a different way, feeling for him, but all I sensed was an icy wall. The inferno was there inside his eyes, but I couldn’t feel it any longer. There was simply nothing, as if his body was absent a tenant. Then, as soon as it had come, it was gone.

“I didn’t feel like being poked and prodded,” Ren shrugged.

“What?”The switch had happened instantly. 

He gave me a queer smile, as if I were the one who had been absent. “Marta.”

“Oh. Right.” Carefully, I was expanding my senses. The particles of dust in the air, the shuffle of people on the floors beneath us, the atoms holding everything together - Ren, me, the chairs at the dining table. Nothing seemed out of place, but everything was wrong.It was the first time I wanted to flee to the Knights quarters since Ren and I had returned from Batuu.Even if I did, it wouldn’t be the same.Now that I was focusing more on my healing abilities, there was an internal shift away from the dark.Healing required a different kind of focus - one that Ren had been shockingly adept at teaching me.For someone so much in the shadow he had an intrinsic understanding of the light.He’d even led me through the Jedi Code the first few times, when I’d been sure my healing abilities had been lost to the emotions burning inside me. 

_There is no emotion, there is peace_

_There is no ignorance, there is knowledge_

_There is no passion, there is serenity_

_There is no chaos, there is harmony_

_There is no death, there is the Force_

It was so easy, and the words so sweet, almost naive against the alternative code that spoke of passion, strength and power.His hand rested over my heart, grounding me.In the void of space it was harder to find my center, such vast darkness all around, but he’d acted as my anchor. 

Toeing off my other boot, I positioned myself in front of him and settled my hand over his heart, just as he’d done with me.Dark, intense eyes rested on me.“Long day?”I kept my voice light.

“Tedious.”The slow, even thump of his heart reverberated into my palm.Easing closer, I reached down to twine my fingers with his, the leather of his gloves supple and warm on my skin. 

“Well, perhaps you could break up the tedium by visiting with Marta tomorrow.I’m sure she’ll want your opinion on the dress.Plus there’s still the matter of your own appearance - you know she’ll go on about how you are a reflection of her tastes. A walking advertisement of her abilities.” 

The tiniest of movements, barely noticeable, a mere whisper of a twitch on his face.

“Is that what upset you?” I asked.

Ren pulled my hand up toward his face, burying his nose in my wrist and taking a deep breath in.“I’m not upset.” 

“You were, just a few moments - “His teeth scraped along the sensitive veins under the pale skin, a gentle bite landing on the fleshy mound of my palm, derailing my inquiry.His other hand came up to rest over mine on his chest, and he stepped forward, forcing me to stumble backward. 

“I’m not upset,” he repeated, expertly herding me toward the bed.I felt the edge of the mattress on the backs of my knees.Ren pushed my sleeve down, trailing his lips down my inner forearm, sending tingles of pleasure dancing all the way to my shoulder. 

I frowned.His clear avoidance of the conversation tempted me to push.Something was wrong, but it eluded me.Maybe it was simply stress.After all, I had avoided asking specifically about his meetings, so I had no idea if there’d been any problems. 

He laughed, still preoccupied, his mouth now at the crook of my elbow.“I can hear your scowl.”His head turned slightly, a sidelong gaze peeked through the fall of his thick hair.With a mere nudge from him, I tumbled onto the bed, his grip loosening to let me fall.I lay quietly, watching him undress, primed to react to any hint of the fury I’d seen earlier. 

But I was distracted by the strong, lean lines of his body.My hands clenched and unclenched in the sheets, itching to touch the pale, smooth skin of his torso.Ren paused, pants half undone, and met my gaze.We both stayed where we were, still and quiet, looking at one another.Finally I stood, slowly taking both of his hands and leading him over to the bed.I gently pressed a hand to his chest and exerted a tiny amount of pressure.He followed my lead and lay down on the cool sheets. 

I settled next to him, propped on my side to look down on him, leaving one hand free to roam- starting with his thick, soft hair.I tangled my fingers in it, smoothing it away from his face, admiring the contrast of pale skin and dark locks.Softly I traced the ridge of his brow, followed the edge of his aquiline nose down to his full lips.Drawing the tip of my finger along the edges of his mouth, like I was painting a picture of him, I sighed, calm stealing over me.His dark eyes were on my face the entire time, but he didn’t move away from my exploration. 

Taking advantage of his willingness, I skipped to other parts of his face, finding the high line of his cheekbones, the beginning of his scar, dropping a feather light touche along the raised skin. 

My mouth brushed along the thick tendons of his neck, his pulse whispering against the skin of my lips.I nipped delicately at his flesh, licking the hollows that lay between his shoulder and collarbones - places my eyes had always lingered.I found the scattering of moles around his right pectoral and kissed each one, ran my nails down the corded muscles of his biceps and forearms.When I reached the line of his pants, following the dusting of hair at his navel, he captured my face and pulled me upward for a kiss. 

His mouth locked over mine in a blaze of sensation, the kiss both giving and demanding. Ren’s tongue thrust deep, and I felt a corresponding twinge of pleasure low in my belly, but he pulled away taking my tunic and bra off, laying beside me to mimic what I had done to him, his long, elegant fingers tracing my face, his mouth on my neck, my breasts, my stomach.My body quivered with awareness. Ren kissed me again, his hand having wandered under the fabric of my pants, pressing against my core in a corresponding rhythm. Closer and closer the lapping waves propelled me forward, my body a riot of unspent sensation.

Whatever tentative connection we were establishing, I didn’t want it to stop.There was no awkwardness, no anger, simply a trembling sense of vulnerability, as if I were being sweetly flayed open.I knew I had always been transparent to him, but this was different.For this suspended moment in time, it felt as if I could sink into him, nothing separating us.Memorized, nerves on fire with pleasure, I barely registered the rest of our clothes coming off, the lights dimming, the soft silk of the sheets over us. 

Ren slid inside me, my legs wrapped around his waist, our gazes locked, the rest of the room a fog around me like in a dream.His forearm was braced on the bed, his hips rocking against mine in an easy, even rhythm.One of my hands was trapped in his, pulled between our bodies, and I could feel the pounding of both our hearts.

“Whatever happens,” he said, voice a quiet rasp, “remember this.Us.”His mouth captured mine, and I gave in, my body trembling, a wild burst of pleasure sizzling out from my core, the scream lost in our kiss.His movement became more desperate, and I felt his release, the stutter of his hips, the vibration of his groan against my teeth and tongue.

Silence fell, our breathing slowly evening out as our bodies cooled, and Ren pulled out of me, collapsing on the bed beside me, automatically pulling me into him.

Warm and safe and home at last, we fell asleep in a tangle of each other’s limbs.


	114. Chapter 114

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren POV

He was losing control.The coronation had been weeks away, and then - it wasn’t.Of course he’d ignored Marta’s messages about the fittings.It only meant it was coming at them, faster and faster.The moment he would have to let her go.

When she had mentioned her own fitting, he’d practically blacked out with rage and helplessness.Ren couldn’t stop the march of time, not even he was that powerful.The entire plan was laid out in his mind, but he hadn’t started the wheels in motion. 

He needed to talk to Cardo.The entire thing hinged on his willingness to leave with her.Ren refused to send her away alone.Inevitably she would refuse, and he didn’t want their last encounter to be a fight.He would once again take the cowards way out. 

At the Council meetings, he had tried to subtly shift the agenda to rebuilding some worlds they had destroyed under the guise of gaining loyalty and good faith with the inhabitants.Yet each time he tried to do something good, the plan had twisted itself into the opposite.This thing he had helped to build could not be wielded for the betterment of the galaxy.Too much of it was grounded in absolute power, in greed and control. 

There were several choices laid in front of him, and he would be unable to see clearly until she was gone, safely away from him.Nothing he chose would blow back to her if he could help it.

Calling Cardo to their quarters, Ren paced the length of them, nervous for what he was about to ask.He had no doubt where his knight’s loyalties lay, however, this would not be an order from a master.It would be a request.A favor. 

He was so used to giving orders, to threatening anyone who would refuse him - it was odd to now be so exposed.Ren wouldn’t force his oldest knight to do this for him.He would do it voluntarily or not at all. 

Where this odd sense of morality was coming from, he had no clue.He’d not been hindered by it for some time.It couldn’t be allowed to extend further. 

The door chimed, and Ren waved his hand, opening it. 

“Master,” Cardo said upon entering, bowing respectfully.

“It’s not that kind of meeting, Cardo.” 

Ren felt the confusion in the air, but he simply sat at the table with no other comment.Taking the hint, the other man took his helmet off and settled across from him.

As the silence stretched, Cardo spoke.“Out with it, laddie.”

Ren found himself taking in an uneven breath.In reality, this was harder than he’d imagined.Quite frankly, he didn’t even know how to start.“I need to ask a favor of you.”

Cardo’s bushy red eyebrow quirked up with interest.“A favor?” 

Shifting nervously in his seat, Ren nodded.“A rather big one, concerning my apprentice.”Staring at the fine stitching in his gloves, he clasped his hands together so roughly the leather squeaked in protest.“She needs to go back to the Resistance.”

Warm brown eyes blinked back at him.“Are ye wanting me to help her re-infiltrate?Should’na be to hard, I suspect.”

“No.I -“ yet another shuddering breath, “ - to stay.I want you to take her back to them, stay with the Resistance.Watch over her.Don’t let her come back; I know she’ll try.”Ren cracked his neck.“I am asking, not ordering.This would mean you’d be labeled a defector.You would be unable to return.”The mirror-like surface of the black table reflected his own face back at him.Sometimes he hated how everything was just so _clean_ all the time. 

When he could no longer stand it, Ren lifted his head to see the face of his knight.Tears were glittering in the older man’s eyes.Something twisted painfully inside his chest.Han Solo had looked at him that way.

Right before he’d stabbed him through the heart.

“You would - trust me with this, lad?”Cardo asked, voice thick with emotion.

Ren nodded tersely, his throat tightening. 

“O’course I’ll be doing this thing fer you.I’ll keep the wee lass safe.But there’s the small problem of - well, we dinna know _where_ they are.”A freckled hand ran through glinting red and silver locks. 

“The Resistance is on Lah’mu.”The statement clanged like a gong falling on the table between them.More silence followed, and Ren could barely stand it.He rocketed up from his seat and braced his hands against the wall opposite the table.Restless energy was everywhere in his body.He wanted to break something.

A deep chuckle came from behind him.“Well, now, that does make it a sight easier.”A creak of plasteel, a scrape of metal, and a kind hand rested on his shoulder.“She will’na wanna go.”

“I know.I’m going to - “ Ren hung his head in shame, the next words hoarse, “ - I’m going to drug her.The night before the coronation, she’ll go to sleep here and wake up a few days later on Lah’mu.”The floor beneath him blurred.“It won’t work any other way.”

Surprisingly strong hands whirled him around, and he was looking down at Cardo’s face.“Aye, it will.You can come with us.” 

_Leave here with me.Come home._ Han Solo’s voice. 

“No.They’ll welcome her back, but not me.She can go home.”Turning away and brushing the hands at his shoulders aside, he continued.“I had my chance.This is hers.I won’t let her throw it away because of me.This is my fault.”

“The lass loves ye.”

“NO!”The word came out as a roar, ripped from somewhere deep inside him.“We don’t use that word.She has a misplaced devotion, a - “ he struggled for how to explain what he’d done, “- a false sense of compassion.I manipulated her.From the very start, even when we were young.She doesn’t know what she feels.”

“I dinna think you give her enough credit.”Cardo wasn’t listening.“The girl knows her own mind, Ren.” 

“She _doesn’t,_ that’s the whole problem,” he snarled back.“I’ve been rooting around in there.She’s under the impression she can hide from me, but she can’t.I _let_ her think I didn’t see the location of the Resistance, but I did.I _let_ her think there’s a place in her thoughts I can’t go, but I can.”Shoulders heaving with heavy, angry breaths, he rounded on the knight.“I need to get her away from _me_.Before I do anything else more shameful or deplorable than I already have.”

The older man let out a long sigh.“I know I said this before, but-“

“She will hate me for it.For all of it.I know.”

Cardo’s face was open, revealing his shock at Ren’s acceptance.It was a change.Ren had been so sure he was right, so convinced she would never grow to hate him.But he had been wrong.About all of it.Again, realization had come far too late for redemption.His, at least. 

“I’ll convince her to go to bed early the night before the coronation.If she can’t sleep -“ he swallowed, nausea rising,” - I will trick her.Administer a sedative.Once it’s taken effect, she’ll be transferred into a trunk and I will leave my quarters to attend a meeting.You will enter, and take the trunk, along with several others, to a ship which is slated to leave for the city the next day.As a Knight, you will easily have the authority to make a early departure with the cover of going down to arrange for our arrival.”

Cardo nodded.“Aye.I can disable the tracking device planetside.”

“Yes.You will leave for Lah’mu.No one will even know you are gone, as I will delay my return to quarters.Naturally, I will assume she’s off training.I won’t officially sound the alarm she’s missing until much later.” His chest felt like it may crack open at any moment, thinking of her away from him. Separated - more than likely forever.

“The other lads?Ye know they may sense me, or her.”

“I will cloak your Force signatures.They’ll assume she did it, as I made no secret of how she hid from me all those years.”

“I dinna like the idea of leavin’ ye alone here,” Cardo said, scratching at his chin thoughtfully.

Ren tried to ignore the spark of warmth the old knights concern ignited in him.“She’ll need you more than I will.”

“Tha’s not true.”

He bite down so hard on his cheek the metallic taste of blood flooded his mouth.“It no longer matters what’s true.It is what is necessary.” He stated the older man down. “Will you do it?”

Cardo nodded solemnly.

“Thank you,” Ren said, and he meant it with every atom in his body. She would be safe with his Knight. Cardo would die before he let anything happen to her. Sensing an impending goodbye, he shook his head. “No.”

They had been together for too long. Cardo knew Ren had reached his limit. There would be no more emotional scenes. Those eyes lingered on him for several extra beats before the mask was pulled back over Cardo’s face, and he disappeared into the corridor.

Odds are that was the last time they would see each other.

Ren collapsed on the edge of the bed, relieved to be alone.Elbows resting on his knees, he settled his pounding head on his hands. 

_“You don’t have to do this.I feel the conflict in you.It’s tearing you apart.”She is standing in front of him, her hands in binders, head turned to the side so she can catch him in the periphery of her vision.Ren tries to keep his gaze straight ahead.He fails the second she starts to speak again. “Ben, when we touched hands I saw your future.Just the shape of it, but solid and clear.You will not bow before Snoke.”Rey has turned toward him, steps ever closer to him.His body turns to face hers.“You’ll turn.I’ll help you.I saw it.”_

_She is so close to him now, her warm brown eyes kind, her skin pale and youthful even in the harsh light of the lift.Ren wants to kiss her.She is beautiful.Afraid but still defiant, confident.She wants to save him._

_“I saw something, too.Because of what I saw I know when the moment comes you’ll be the one to turn.You’ll stand with me, Rey.I saw who your parents are.”A low blow, he knows, watches as her eyes flicker, a soft flinch which she tries to hide.The image comes to him again, Rey wielding a double bladed red lightsaber, at his side._

_Then there isn’t time to say more, the feel of the lift sliding to a stop, Rey backing away from him, the red walls expanding behind her as the doors part.He stalks forward, grabbing her arm to take her into the room with him, to Supreme Leader Snoke._

_“Well done, my good and faithful apprentice!”Snoke crows.“My faith in you is restored.”A smile crosses the strange face of his Master.“Young Rey.Welcome.”_

The rest of the memory skipped, hurtling through Rey’s torture, the words of his former Master, the moment Ren had slain him.

Rey’s body on the floor in front of him.A terrible mistake. 

He tried to shake it away, but it stuck.Even the doubts his Master had - Snoke had not believed in him.He had already deemed him lacking.Inadequate.Snoke had been distracted by Rey, and Ren had read the thoughts coursing through his Master’s mind.

Snoke had thought he was unable to resist the pull of the pathetic light, unable to excise the sentimental streak that had been the downfall of his grandfather.His Master had known Ren refused to use his own power to reforge his own destiny.And the worst- Snoke had thought he was an unstable combination of the two aspects - a flawed vessel that could never be filled.Instead of embodying the strength of the light and dark, he would forever be tortured by their weaknesses. 

It had been for those thoughts Ren had slain Snoke.Sometimes he wanted to believe part of it had been for Rey, but that was a lie.As usual, it was only his own selfishness.He had felt betrayal, anger, humiliation. 

The worst was that his former Master was correct.Ren was indeed a flawed vessel that could never be filled.He was and would be forever tortured by the weaknesses of both the light and the dark.Already, he felt it slowly ripping him in two.The migraines, the insomnia, the aches in his body.It was destroying every part of him - mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. 

Even she couldn’t help him with this.He’d used her as a balm, a distraction, but it wouldn’t change his future.

He was doomed.And he refused to take her down with him. 


	115. Chapter 115

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mixed Ren/Reader POVs

“My apologies for the interruption, ladies.”Ren was uncharacteristically charming as he entered our quarters.“I suppose I should have stayed away, allowed myself to be surprised.”

“It isn’t a wedding - yet.”Marta said slyly.“You’re allowed to see this dress.”

My heart fluttered at the thought of a wedding dress, the culmination of all my youthful fantasies of Ben Solo.Certainly it would be different than I’d imagined, more opulent, far more political. 

_And the fact you’d be marrying Kylo Ren._ The thought slithered in, uninvited.Whatever he was now, formerly he’d been my childhood sweetheart.I wanted to allow myself the wish fulfillment without the baggage.Trying not to make it obvious, I watched for his reaction to Marta’s statement, but his faced remained impassive. 

“One state-sanctioned event at a time,” Ren said, pouring himself a glass of Corellian whiskey from the crystal decanter set near the entrance to the dining room.He never drank.My eyebrow quirked up in surprise as he downed the glass and poured another in quick succession.Was he nervous? 

“Luck favors the prepared,” Marta replied from behind me, fussing further with the fabric.

As her assistant tightened the stays, a wheeze of protest came out of me.

“Darling,” she scolded, “a figure such as yours must be displayed to it’s full potential.Anything less would be a disservice to anyone graced with the pleasure of your splendor.”

“Indeed,” Ren said, standing in front of me, sipping from his glass. 

I remained uncomfortable with the cut of the dress.The deep sweetheart neckline of the bodice had my breasts on full display, a velvet ribbon delineating my waist which led to deftly gathered fabric flowing straight down to the floor.The jacket had a mandarin collar, open at the throat, long cape sleeves covering my arms, the cloth extending to the ground.The collar and deep sweetheart neckline created a diamond like opening focused on my decollatage.Exquisite silver appliqué in the shape of sunbursts and flowers started at the sides of the collar and over both shoulders, fading out on the sleeves at a point level to my waist.The entire dress was ink black. 

This was someone else’s gown.I felt like an imposter. 

“Not from where I’m standing,” Ren replied.Ignoring Marta and her assistants, he stepped closer, the platform I was on giving me false height.A single finger traced a line from my neck to the plunge of the bodice, skimming back upward over the curve of my left breast.Goosebumps broke out on my skin.

A tiny, respectful cough snapped us both back into the present moment, and Ren backed away, allowing Marta to scoot in front of him and continue to fuss with the fall of the fabric, pins glinting from the magnetic bracelet on her wrist. 

Ren simply turned away and folded himself into the chair at his desk, dismissing us all in favor of his work.Something wasn’t right. Even if I couldn’t feel it, I could see the tension in his shoulders. Maybe it was just Marta, the attendants. The lack of privacy.

Whatever it was, I would figured it out.

\------------------

He couldn’t do it.

Only meters away from him, she stood in that gown. Marta was a genius. Ren could easily picture how she would look standing next to him in the morning, devastatingly beautiful. His.

Was he really going to give her up?

Ren pretended to work, read the same messages and briefings four times over before he could understand the content. She was laughing with Marta and the attendants.She seemed happy.The room was saturated with her scent, each time she pivoted to allow them to make another adjustment to her gown, a brush of almond and vanilla washed over him.

He wanted to kneel at her feet, beg her forgiveness for all the horrible, twisted things he’d done to her. To them. It was his fault the thing between them was tainted, his fault he could’t trust her enough to know her own desires. After all, he had been the one to manipulate, to peer into her mind and use what he found there to bind her closer to him.

She’d been doomed ever since she’d stepped off the ship on Yavin 4, trailing uncertainly behind his uncle.

_He can’t stay away. He’s tried._

_She doesn’t notice him, although it’s not surprising. He’d been lurking in the dark corner of the library for hours. Master Luke more than likely knew he was there, but his frustration with his newest apprentice eclipsed any biting remark he may have been tempted to send Ben’s way._

_His uncle talked a good game about controlling emotions. Too often, however, Ben felt the waves of them. They were less controlled than the Jedi Master led everyone to believe._

_The flurry of her thoughts pulled him back to the present. Her shoulders in a slump, body bent in defeat over the books Luke had shoved at her._

_Failure. Useless.Can’t keep up. Don’t belong anywhere. Ben bristles at them.She’s barely been at the academy for six months, had no training before this. There is no reason for her to feel this way. His uncle is an asshole. Of course he’s been dismissive of her. The great Luke Skywalker fails at training an apprentice? Ben bet it strung his pride, even if Luke hid it behind his false humility._

_Other things about her distract him. They’ve been distracting him for months, ever since he caught his first glimpse of her. Soft skin. Bright, kind eyes. The movement of her throat when she swallows. The flash of her hair in the light. His body tightens._

_He should walk away. Being anywhere near her is a terrible idea._

_Instead, he’s speaking, walking over to her side, reassuring her. Offering to teach her. Deep down he knows where it comes from. Ben wants power over her. Something dark shifts inside him at the look of fear and awe crossing her face when he holds out his hand._

_He waits. He already knows she’ll accept him._

Ren scrubbed his hand over his face, felt the roughness of stubble against his palm. He could not forget what happened the last time he gave in to the desire to keep her. She had ended up almost burned to death along with everyone else, abandoned by both him and Luke. Hidden from his for years, her life never allowed to start, always looking behind her shoulder.

He’d forced her into a terrible position.He dared not think on what she must have endured on Nar Shaddaa, the things she may have had to do to survive there.All in avoidance of him and his selfish desires.

No. This time he would not fail her.

He would send her away.

He would save her from himself.

——————————

With Marta and her assistants gone from our quarters, I waited for Ren to relax, but he remained tightly strung.I slipped into a long, silky nightgown in a deep indigo and pulled on the matching robe, the fabric fluttering behind me as I eased over to his desk.

“Nervous?” I fished.His SEAC Anya had taken me through the proceedings in excruciating detail, while assuring me there would be staff to guide me where I was required.But Ren and I had no opportunity to talk about our return to the planet.After what happened the last time we’d been down there…maybe he was worried.

“Security is tight,” he responded, still absorbed in his data pad.“There will be no incidents this time.” 

I shuddered to think how he was that assured.An image of battalions of Stormtroopers flashed in my mind.Just how much security was there?How many people in close proximity?He’d needed help the last time, so many buzzing minds. 

“I’ll be fine,” he answered my thoughts again, still refusing to make eye contact. 

“Then what has you in a mood?”I asked directly this time, annoyed he was scanning my thoughts.

Carefully, he set the datapad on the desk in front of him, stippling his fingers together and crossing his legs, one ankle atop the opposite knee.“Are you sure you want to do this?” 

My mouth hung open in shock.Of all the things I thought he was about to say, that was the last of them I’d expected.I wasn’t aware my intentions were still in question.“What kind of question is that?”

“Answer it,” he said. 

Frowning, I grabbed the chair from my own desk, dragging it over to sit near him.“I want to be with you.I thought we’d settled this.”The trip back from Batuu had changed things between us - hadn’t it?

“What about the rest of it?” 

“The rest?”

His eyes, sharp as a hawk’s, snapped to mine.“Don’t play dumb.It doesn’t suit you.Tomorrow I become something altogether different.Everything will change.You cannot separate me from my actions, ignore the decisions I’ll be making.If you walk down this road with me, things will be expected of you.” 

“I know that,” I countered with more defensiveness than I’d intended.What was the alternative?Imprisonment?Why was this coming up now, on the night before the coronation? 

“You could leave,” he answered.“Go back to your friends.”Something dark and foreign sparked in his eyes, but Ren extinguished it.“It’s your choice.I would not stop you.”

The breath froze in my lungs.“What?”The question was a mere exhalation.My mind spun, possibilities unfolding in front of me. _I’m not trapped here?_ I was a little surprised by my own reaction - I wanted to stay with Ren.As we’d already established, he would not leave with me.

But if I left, it would be without him, and I couldn’t do that.His eyes had not left my face, and I knew my reaction was being judged.“Why now?”

His shrug was nonchalant.I nibbled at my lip.Perhaps he needed reassurance.I hiked up the hem of my nightgown, nudged his ankle off of his knee and straddled his lap.Ren didn’t touch me, simply watched me with a careful detachment. 

“Do you want to be rid of me?”I asked.“Or-“ I ran my hands down the sides of his arms, gripping lightly, enjoying the feel of his muscles underneath., “are you worried there’s something I won’t be able to handle?”These difficulties between us were always handled better skin to skin. 

More stony silence.I shimmied my hips closer still, settling my forehead against his.“You know how I feel about you,” I whispered.“I appreciate the sentiment.But there isn’t anywhere else I want to be.”My eyes drifted closed and I brushed my lips over his, feather-light.“I’m ready for tomorrow.”

Finally, slowly, the tension eased from his body, and warm arms wrapped around me.“Then I suppose we should get some rest,” he said, his hands grasping my buttocks as he lifted from the chair.I laughed, clinging to him and letting him take me the short distance to the bed.My robe and nightgown were off almost the second my feet touched the floor. 

“Rest?” I asked.“It’s early yet.Or is this just an excuse to get me naked?”

His wicked grin was back, the one that had showed up only a few times since Batuu, but I loved to see it.It had only been nerves after all.

Easily fixed. 

———

The stunned moment of hesitation from her was what decided it. Ren had seen the way her mind had rifled through other lives, adventures she could have, heard the words - _I’m not trapped here?_

No matter what kind of amends he tried to make to her, a piece of her would always feel trapped, shackled to him, even it was out of compassion or kindness.

_Or love._

Ren pressed that thought far, far back in his mind. It was an indulgence he could not afford. She would leave him tonight. Eventually, he hoped, she would understand why he’d done it.

Now, though, he would take his time. Enjoy her. Touch his fill, if such a thing was even possible. This would be the last time he would see her. Ren couldn’t think of a scenario in which they would be reunited.

He would close the doors to his heart permanently, and do what he must.

___________

We lay together quietly in the dark.

Ren had treated me like a fragile piece of glass, taken me over the edge of pleasure again and again, until I was sure we’d never get any sleep. He’d whispered tender, beautiful things to me, kissing me with hunger.Kissing me until I had surrendered, opening to him completely. Kissing me until I couldn’t stop myself from gripping his shoulders, pulling him to me, my nails pricking at his skin. Until the only thing I could focus on was his mouth on mine, his teeth and lips and tongue.

Despite the drugged aftermath of all of that, I couldn’t let go of the nagging feeling I was missing something. Although I was loathe to lose the languorous, warm buzz, I opened my mouth to ask yet again what was upsetting him.

Before the words were out of my mouth, something sharp and cold poked my skin, and I yelped, immediately scooting away and flipping over to look behind me.I couldn’t see much in the dark.“What was that?”

Ren let out a chuckle, and something silver glinted in the dim light.“A pin.”

“Marta,” I breathed in irritation.My hands roved over the soft bedsheets, feeling for other tiny offenders.He joined me.After a moment, I stopped, feeling oddly tired.“I suppose it was just the one.”All I wanted to do was lay my head back down on the pillow.

Ren made a noncommittal noise in response, reaching out to pull me back into his warm body.“Never mind it then.”

Snuggling deeper into his embrace, I mumbled at him sleepily.“Tomorrow will be fine.We’ll get through it together.” After the coronation, I would talk with him. Now, - for some reason it felt impossible to keep my eyes open.

As a black wave of fatigue took me, I thought I heard him say he was sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel compelled to apologize for all the pain and angst.
> 
> That is all for this update, again, kudos/comments/etc welcome, even if it is all caps yelling at me for messing things up again. I do promise we are getting somewhere, I swear. Everyone will sort out their emotional nonsense. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading!!


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